Previously: Angelina is a "hypocritical whore" (TM Situation 2010) that everyone hates. In other breaking news, the sky is blue. And in a bit of business, shout out to superfan Marlise Giesen for crafting a pouftastic .gif of Snooki shoving the Ron Ron Juice right out of Ronnie. Now these images of David versus Go-roid-ath are mine to treasure forever!
It's nighttime in MIA when we return to the scene of Vinny's inglorious standup by some go-go girl or cocktail waitress or whatever. She coulda been the one! Now the sad flowers of rejection lie on the Communal Smush Bed, dying little by little like Vinny's dignity. Of course, that would have happened regardless of whether some trick stood him up.
While Pauly takes out his date -- the one who didn't stand him up -- Angelina, Jose, and SamRo 2.0 go out to celebrate Jose's birthday over dinner. You see, they're all besties now because they have no other damn friends. Angelina says her (forced) confession about hooking up with Vinny put a kink in their vibing, and she insists she shouldn't have had to tell him anything. Kind of like how Ronnie didn't need to tell Sammi that stuff that was in that note you swear not to know anything about (but for which you supplied all the information)? Oh, okay. Pffffft. The girls go to the bathroom, and Jose tells Ronnie about his disappointment that Angelina stepped out on him, even though they're not officially together. Turns out the hypocritical whore told Jose not to get with any other chicks, but didn't feel the need to follow the same rules for herself. Ronnie says Jose is getting played like a piano. As everyone walks home, Ronnie and Sammi talk shit about Angelina from about five paces behind her. They both judge Angelina for being a cheater (who's the hypocrite now, Ronnie?), and Sammi says that just because Angelina's her "friend" (term used very loosely) doesn't mean she trusts her. What a solid foundation for friendship: Distrust and semi-tolerance!
Pauly and his date return home to find Vinny pouting as he chugs from a Solo cup. The fearsome foursome return shortly thereafter. Ronnie decides to salvage the situation and a bit of Vinny's dignity by leaving money for the flowers Vinny bought and giving them to Sammi. In front of Vinny. Yeah, that's totally not embarrassing. Then Ronnie comments that his and Mike's "children" and "Snooki juice" are probably on the flowers now that they've been sitting on the Communal Smush Bed for several hours. Ugh. To make matters worse, Sammi takes offense that Ronnie didn't pick out the flowers (which are quite lovely, btw) himself. Ronnie eventually admits that he was just being an a-hole. Isn't that a given? Like him saying, "And then I took a breath."
A bit later, Angelina tries to fend off Jose's advances for birthday sex. What follows is some bumbling attempts at making the bed and Angelina interviewing that she was on the rag, so it wasn't going to happen anyway. Of course, she lies to Jose that she just "needs a minute," so he dutifully assumes the outside spoon position, waiting for Angelina to come around. Man, it's gotta be sad to look back and realize hoping to get some from Angelina was just a bridge too far.
The day, Jose leaves. Angelina interviews that she is definitely not in love with him. Once he's gone, she goes back inside to brag to The Situation that she and Jose smashed the night before. What is wrong with her? Of course, Sitch turns it back on her for smashing Vinny one night, then Jose the . Backfire! Word travels of the supposed smashing, and everyone talks shit about what a slut Angelina is to her face. This girl can't do anything right. They both bring up the double standard, though the boys say it sort of victoriously, while Angelina whines -- only because she's not getting the positive attention she'd like, of course. To her complaint, Sitch is all, "It is what it is. Ho." Angelina says, "I'm a single girl, what do you want me to do?" Richest of all, Ronnie spits back, "If that's what helps you sleep at night." Don't even get me started on that pig. As always, Snooki can be counted on to turn a nice phrase: "Angelina got it in with Ronnie because she's a loosey-goose." The point remains the same, though. Angelina's a whore. JWOWW also acknowledges the double standard, but claims Angelina is giving the guys a reason to humiliate her. Oh, honey, they don't need one.
Pauly's date Rocio visits him at the gelato shop. He's happy because "she's cool." In Pauly's world, that translates to "definitely not a ho, not a stalker." They shoot the breeze. Pauly interviews that he wants to take things slow because he has a tendency of turning girls into stalkers. By which I'm guessing he means banging them and then being shocked that they actually want to hang out again and/or pursue a possible relationship. Bitches be psycho, y'all.
Back in the shop, JWOWW calls the house and asks Angelina to wake up Snooki for a nail appointment. When JWOWW returns home, surprise surprise, Angelina hasn't lived up to her end of the bargain. So Pauly heads in to literally drag Snooki out of bed before carrying her around the house and dropping her on the bean bag chair -- all while sing-songing, "Wake up! Wake up! You have a nail appointment!" It's kind of adorable.
The girls hit up the nail salon so JWOWW can get herself prettified for her boyfriend Tom's visit. A few hours later, he arrives. They are really excited to see each other and super-cute together. Clearly this is JWOWW's soft underbelly. She shows Tom around the house and into her bedroom, where Snooki is lying in bed in sunglasses and those stank slippers that she wears all over kingdom come. Tom laughs at the housemate's collective lack of hygiene.
While JWOWW gets ready to go out, Tom unpacks and riffles through her things. As you do. He finds a guy's phone number he didn't want her to have and threatens to leave. She follows after him to talk it out, swearing she didn't do anything with the other guy. Sammi totally smirks as they fight. Tom comes back inside, but he's still sulking. They slowly reconcile, perhaps lulled by the sound of Snooki snoring in the background.
Meanwhile, Angelina's friend Gina turns up with some seriously hoochie dresses that Angelina's mom sent down. A few minutes later, Angelina's mom calls. Seconds into the conversation, Angelina breaks down into tears inexplicably. She says she misses home. Gina picks up the phone and says Angelina's crying for no reason. Mom asks, "Do you think the dress is too tight, maybe?" Way to plumb the depths of your daughter's emotional welfare, Mrs. Pivarnick. Then again, it confirms what a pain-in-the-ass drama queen Angelina is if her mom thinks she'd cry at something so stupid.
That night, the girls get ready for da club and compare their cooter injury war stories. As you do. For their part, the boys launch into a rousing round of "It's T-shirt tiiiiiiiime!" Eventually, they head out for the night. Angelina immediately sets her sights on Dennis, a guy that Snooki smushed. Homegirl is really making a name for herself in sloppy seconds. She's like the Brooke Shields of smushing. Snooki, unfortunately, finds herself trapped by some suit-wearing asshat who thinks asking questions about wanting to kill people is a good pick-up tactic. She awesomely says she's feeling like killing someone (him) right now. She breaks free of that one and is immediately flanked on all sides by a bevy of grenade grundle chodes.
The boys fare far better. Sitch finds himself a DTF Canadian model, and they're literally licking each other's faces within minutes. Soon enough, he takes her to the bathroom for a quickie. Her parents must be so proud. Tragically, his herpes club tour 2010 is cancelled when the bouncer bangs on the door and announces that only one person is allowed in the bathroom at a time. Sitch decides it's time to head home, but he has somehow managed to lose this upstanding young lady. He heads home carrying his blue balls and punishing himself for not getting her number.
Back home, Sammi and Ronnie pat themselves on the back for being such an amazing couple. They reaffirm their love for one another and say they're rediscovering the love they had in Jersey. What wastes of oxygen. Inside, everyone gangs up on Angelina for lying about dancing with Snooki's guy Dennis, even though everyone saw her. How does she not get caught out like this more often? She's inept at even the lowest level of social function.
Over in the girls' room, Snooki is wasted as she lies in bed awake because she slept all the livelong day. She makes use of her time by tugging on Tom's feet and pulling down the covers as he and JWOWW smush. Try reading a book, honey. Only when JWOWW starts laughing like "WTF?" does Snooki realize she's crossed the border to Inappropriatetown. She runs off sheepishly and takes refuge in Vinny's bed. These two are my favorite. I kind of hope they find everlasting love.
The morning, Angelina bitches about how dirty her roommates are. She stops making a big show of not cleaning when her friend Gina calls. Elsewhere, the guys get their GTL on. The Situation lays it out simply: "If you don't go to the gym, you don't look good. If you don't tan, you're pale. If you don't do laundry, you ain't got no clothes." Only there's a slight hiccup when the Cuban dry cleaner can't find the clothes and keeps saying, "¡No ropa por Situation!" Turns out he picked up his clothes yesterday. Whew! Crisis averted. The guys return home and find a note on the door: "Samantha (we met at the club last night) -- my number..." They instinctively delight at the possibility that Sammi was vibing with someone else and there's another potential gossip bomb about to explode in the house, but it's no dice. The note is from Sitch's super-classy Canadian model. Sitch explains the meaning of the note in typical elegant parlance. According to him, it means, "Here's my number. Please call me so we can bang real quick." Which, true.
Lest there be one damn episode of this show without some bullshit SamRo 2.0 debacle, Pauly decides to take matters into his own hands. With the mischievous smile of a six-year-old, he takes The Situation's booty call note and puts it on Ronnie's pillow, to his sleeping head. He tiptoes back into the common room and grins ear-to-ear, waiting for the drama to begin. Before shit can go down, Sammi goes into the room and picks up the note with a confused look on her face. Pauly can't resist, so he heads in the room to reveal his little prank. Sammi is more confused than amused. Which is her baseline. She's dumb.
Victorious Pauly and Vinny leave the house in search of the topless beach. Alas, all they get is Angelina and her friend who set their towels down 10 feet from them. The girls are sitting there pretending to be above it all. Pauly jokes that he noticed some "beached whales" but thought nothing of it. That one I believe. Instead of playing into Angelina's bullshit games, they find some chicks and bury Vinny in the sand. All in a day's work!
Back at the house, Sitch calls his chick all, "Hey baby..." It's the post-millennial "How you doin'." Sammi laughs about what a sleaze The Situation is while he gets the girl to agree to come over to the house, hit up da club, then have a sleepover. He hangs up, and Sammi tells him what a creep he is. Again: It is what it is. Oddly, Sitch decides to clean house a little for this girl who he was a mere zipper away from fucking in a club bathroom the night before. Guess he wants to show her some American hospitality. Ironically, it's the bathroom that becomes a subject of contention. It appears Angelina has left an open, used pad on the floor to the garbage can. Sitch is so disgusted that he picks it up, carries it to the room they share, and shoves it under Angelina's pillow. Wow, that's some sleepaway camp circa seventh grade shit.
Back at the beach, Angelina picks up a guy who may or may not be named Mike. Riveting. Elsewhere, MVP, JWOWW, and Tom go out for food and drinks, but mainly to talk shit about Angelina. At the same time, Angelina returns home with her beach himbo and immediately notices that her bed looks different than when she left. As the guy watches, she uncovers the sullied pad. She knows immediately that it was The Situation and tries to act all shocked and better than that in front of this guy she met on the beach five minutes ago and wants to impress for whatever reason.
The guys return home. Instead of calling him out, Angelina waits until he's well out of earshot and calls him a douchebag and an asshole under her breath. Sitch heads into the room and discovers that his judgment has been passed and received. Out in the common room, Gina encourages Angelina not to say anything because that's what Sitch would want. And again I say, it doesn't matter. They will find a reason to hate on her for every minute of the day. Since she didn't take the maxipad bait, Sitch goes into Vinny's room so they can bring up the guy from the beach and call her a whore some more. It's a little disingenuous to judge her so fiercely when you had no problem getting it in less than 48 hours ago, isn't it Vinny?
Sitch heads back outside and asks (really tells) Angelina to do the dishes he left for her. She insists that she cleaned all morning. And by "cleaned," she means "shifted dishes around at arm's length like a damn princess sent to the servants' quarters. And by "all morning," she means "for two minutes until my friend called and I romped off to the beach to pick up this dirty dude." Sitch gets fed up with Angelina's line of bullshit, so he brings up Maxigate 2010. He calls her "the dirtiest girl [he's] ever met." They go back and forth until things really reach their verbal peak when Sitch calls her a "dirty little hamster," and she responds by saying he looks "like Popeye on crack." The floodgates have opened, so Sitch brings up her hooking up with two guys in 24 hours and says the only thing she's good at is being a ho. Angelina shoots back that Sitch's penis should fall off. Both valid points. Angelina then accuses The Situation of embarrassing her in front of her "real friends." Speaking of, poor I-think-his-name's-Mike, is still there and doesn't have the luxury of watching this from the comfort of his own home like I do. I suspect it's much less amusing up close. Especially when Angelina leaps from the couch and starts throwing girly slaps at The Situation. To be continued...
week: The Canadian beaver is a screamer! Angelina somehow thinks Sitch's habit of picking up these trashy tricks somehow makes her less of a whore. And Snooki brings one of Angelina's former bed buddies home. Rings are taken off. Weaves are pulled. It is on, bitches.
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