Previously: Angelina carried on with her typically brazen tomfoolery, only with more Vinny spit-swapping. And we learned of the Communal Smush Room. Never forget!
Morning in Miami. Or maybe it's afternoon, considering these kids' average wake-up time. They're like clubs kids of the '90s, only with less costumery. Angelina hops out of Vinny's bed and straight onto the phone with his mom. Angelina and mamma Paula have a truly awkward conversation before she puts the phone down to get him. Angelina confesses she was drunk and regrets it. I suspect Vinny will hit up the computer immediately after he hangs up with his mother to Google tips on DIY memory erasure. As Angelina flits around the house, so does news of their one-night smush. Snooki deems Angelina a whore for stringing along her man Jose, who buys her presents, then hooking up with Vinny. Actually, Snickers, hooking up with the guy who buys her presents would be more of a whore thing to do. Semantics... The point remains the same: Angelina sucks.
While Vinny talks to his mother, the guys give Angelina Hell for being a two-faced hag who talks shit about Vinny, then hits that at the first chance. But Angelina is the Bobby Brown of the house -- it's her prerogative, and she do what she wanna do. Meanwhile, Vinny talks about how excited he is about his mother's arrival. Given the Italian banquet she prepared for the gang last season, I would be, too. Vinny says they don't make women like his mom anymore. Cut to a shot of Angelina, listening to The Situation philosophizing about "The Hot Equation," which is when women only like men who treat them like crap. As if on cue, Vinny enters the room. Pauly asks, "We heard you like to visit the Staten Island Dump [Vinny's nickname for Angelina] this time of year. Is that true?" Vinny says it is, and Angelina laughs along with them... at herself. For the love, she is worthless. The guys keep riding her about what a hypocritical whore she is for her indiscretion with Vinny, which Sitch notes was right before Jose's birthday. It's kind of ironic how intense their vitriol has become once she's screwed over someone outside the family given the shenanigans she's pulled to members of their very own house. And I could talk for days about the double standard at work here and what jackholes they are all being, but I kind of don't care, because Angelina deserves all the dressing-down she can get. I just wish it were for something more legitimate than this.
The guys advise Angelina to come clean to Jose immediately -- or as Pauly puts it, "before he buys you another Fossil watch." God forbid he spend another $40 on her! Sitch even offers to call Jose himself. Man, they really want to screw her. Just like Vinny did. Maybe that's the root of it all: Jealousy. Even though she admittedly hooked up with Sitch and Pauly D, maybe they feel like Vinny is encroaching on their territory? Or that Vinny has tainted the honor of Sitch's sister by debasing himself by hooking up with Angelina? All I know is that this is not about Jose. He is nothing to them, so clearly it's coming from somewhere else. Vinny and Angelina are just pawns in their whack little chess game. I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know.
Gelato shop. Pauly scoops and creeps, scoops and creeps. Eventually Vinny's mom, his uncle Nino and a veritable sideshow of other relatives arrive. Vinny reiterates how much Italian mothers take care of their sons. You know, since boys are more valuable and all...
Elsewhere, Snooki and JWOWW hit up the News Cafe, that infamous spot of treachery where letters are penned and relationships are ruined. Snooki says that she, having been there first, felt like vomiting when she heard about Vinny pounding out Angelina. Snooki and The WOWW talk shit about what a tramp Angelina is (for doing pretty much exactly what they do). And, because they've done all the damage they can with SamRo 2.0, they start budding plans to fuck up Angelina's life by exposing her to Jose.
Before we return to the house, can I just mention how I do not give enough due to the old-school film reel-style interstitials the editors put in between scenes. I mainly ignore them because I think it's a distraction, but there are some seriously golden ones. Like now, Vinny's mom is in town with her stockpile of food, and they have simply titled the reel "SAUSAGE." And last episode when Snooki's trick brought over his fugly friend, the reel said "MALE GRENADE." I think you could probably get a pretty solid feel for this entire show by just looking at these markers. It would certainly be more concise than all of Angelina, Sammi, and Ronnie's verbal fuckery. One day I hope to see a marker that says, "MOTORCYCLE-PROOF." If any of you editors are listening, make.it.happen.
But back to the show! Vinny's mom hits the house with her famous sausages, olives, stuffed peppers, and -- the clincher -- Entenmann's chocolate cake! Talk about some homemade goodness! She also brings Vinny about a dozen pairs of underwear, at which point I begin to wonder how Vinny got into law school with this kind of babying. Really, underwear? She's obviously never heard of GTL.
While Mamma Paula cooks, Angelina brings in birthday boy Jose to introduce him. Cue intense wrath and yelps of "Whore" from the chorus. How dare she bring a boy that she's dating over to her own house! Sitch maintains that Angelina should "man up" and tell Jose about her dalliance from Vinny. From the way he's talking about it, you'd think she'd been with Jose for years, not a week or two. Is a watch on the upper end of inexpensive really that indicative of commitment? Or that worth a game of stuff the salami?
Sammi helps Mamma Paula with her cooking while the guys shoot the bull with Vinny's "OG" (Original Guido) Uncle Nino. The Situation tells Uncle Nino about his rakish behavior, saying one girl he's pursuing is "hot enough to take on a date." Then we're treated to a montage of Uncle Nino's red wine-fueled, half-intelligible Italenglish ramblings, with many impressions from the housemates, including how he has nicknamed Pauly "Spike" and Mike "Sanitation." Awesome. The evening carries on with Mamma Paula's three-course meal occupying about five hours. Ronnie literally wipes away his flop sweat while eating the mounds of pasta, olives, and sausage, then nearly vomits at the thought of it in a later interview. This is the lifestyle that brought us Tony Soprano and Dom DeLuise, guys. For dessert, Uncle Nino joins everyone in the hot tub. Things turn sour when Snooki believes Angelina intentionally pegged her with a volleyball. They hurl the ball back and forth, screaming and taking out their pent-up frustrations with each other. Unfortunately, no one gets maimed.
Sadly, all good things must come to an end. The family leaves, and the kids get ready for a farty, burpy night out at da club. Angelina stages a preemptive strike and calls Jose to cancel their night out because she fears that Sitch will rat on her. Of course that doesn't stop her from grinding on a Cuban guy all night. Sitch and Pauly don't seem to care, though, because they're lining up their DTF tricks and back-ups for the night. One of whom Vinny nearly scoops up from under Sitch until Sitch returns and practically date-rapes the girl to mark his territory, then wag his finger in Vinny's face. Ah, brotherhood! Ah, romance!
Everyone heads home, with Sitch making sweet, sweet promises to massage his chick's ass -- while holding a box of what looks like chicken wings, I might add -- when they get to the pad. At home, Snooki stumbles around judging Angelina's choice to hook up with the Cuban behind Jose's back, and the boys head into their (shared) bedroom. They get the ladies outfitted in their sweat pants and assume that they're about to get their smush on. As it turns out, there are several factors working against this evening's orgy. The main problem, though, is that The Situation is an obnoxious pervert. And even though it seems that his trick is, too (witness her bouncing her sweat pant-clad ass literally on his face), she gets spooked after about five minutes and claims she has a boyfriend. This triggers the other girl to announce that she has a boyfriend, too. Personally, I think they realized they didn't want to be in a porno without getting paid for that shit. They flee with much haste, leaving the boys with sweat pants full o' blue balls. Awesomely, the chick Vinny almost pulled says goodbye to him on her way out then makes fun of Sitch and Pauly's cheeseball lines as she walks away. I think that she and her friend spotted the guys at the club that night and made a plan. At least I hope they did. I'm certainly going to remember them better, and more fondly, after putting on that show.
By this point, it's six in the morning. Pauly's still DTF, so he and Sitch pile up all the numbers they've ever gotten from girls and booty call them. Amazingly, they get a girl who claims she's ready to cuddle and offers to be there with a non-grenade friend in 45 minutes. Seriously, it's like they ordered a pizza. While they wait, they primp, flex lovingly at themselves in the mirror, and get their protein on with some scrambled eggs. The girl finally arrives, but she doesn't bring a friend for Sitch. She tells him that all her friends are grenades. As of tomorrow, I have a feeling none of her friends will be grenades because she won't have any. So she and Pauly head inside while The Situation bitterly says he'll just have to "smash" himself. Oh, but it doesn't end there. Instead of self-smashing, he actually makes a ham and egg sandwich and brings that shit back into the room like it's popcorn. He watches as Pauly hooks up, occasionally throwing a fist pump Pauly's way. That is gross on levels that I cannot articulate.
Later, after an afternoon at the beach, Angelina tells Sitch that she's hanging out with Jose tonight and asks him not to fink on her. Sitch derisively likens her to the Staten Island Ferry because everyone gets a ride for free. Once they're at da club, Sitch gets his chance to scuttle Angelina, who is grinding up on Jose. As he maps out his plan of attack, Ronnie comments that Angelina's sneaky ways show what a pimp she is. JWOWW insists she's just manifesting her guilt about hooking up with Vinny. What was that I was saying earlier about double standards? Finally, Sitch pounces, telling Jose that he has something to tell him if Angelina won't. He steps back and watches Angelina squirm. She finally confesses that she hooked up with Vinny. Jose takes it about as well as you can expect. Angelina tries to console him and assure that she's not a slut, all the while saying in an interview that she has no loyalty to Jose and can do whatever she wants. The whole sequence is a farce on about a million levels, one of which is that Vinny is dancing and fist pumping about two feet away from them during this serious conversation. You can't make this shit up.
Angelina shrewdly (whoever knew I'd use those two words together?) removes Jose from the scene and takes him to a restaurant to talk. She insists that she's not into Vinny. He pushes back that she can't confess her sins to him now and then go kiss someone else the night. Instead of thanking her lucky stars, she laughs that Jose naively assumed she only kissed Vinny and continues to coast by with basically no consequences to her stank behavior. I swear on Pauly's flat iron, this bitch is hideous.
Back at da club, it's on to the for Vinny. He sets his sights on a dancer named Ramona that he deems worthy of taking on a date and introducing to his family. He tells her he loves her and talks about wanting to romance her. She falls for it hook, line, and sinker. Likewise Pauly finds a Cuban girl he thinks is more a one-night smash, so he doesn't ask her back to the house. The day they both call their girls and ask them on a double date. As you might imagine, Vinny is super-adorable, asking Ramona to be his "sympathy date" since Pauly has a girl lined up. She eats it up, and Vinny whoops and hollers after they hang up at his victory. On the other hand, Pauly cockily tells his lady friend that Vinny has a date, and she can "come along, too." She laughs and says she'll come. It's a perfect encapsulation of both of their styles.
That afternoon you know it's serious when they head out to get haircuts, new outfits (not T-shirts!) and beautiful bouquets for the date. Unfortunately, once they get home Ramona calls and smashes Vinny's little heart. She stutters out that she doesn't want to come, and he doesn't give her a second to explain further before slamming down the phone. Ronnie heads out to the patio to console him, but Vinny clams up because he feels slighted after treating Ramona as well as he would treat his mother. Pauly even comes out to join them before he has blown out his hair. And with that my most secret dream has come true! I didn't dare utter the words for fear they wouldn't come true, but seeing Pauly D sans fards (or whatever the hair gel equivalent is -- sans spikes?) was one of my goals for this season. But I digress... Pauly's choice to expose his curly underbelly shows how crushed our Vinny is. Ronnie tells Vinny to pick up the pieces and call another girl. Pauly encourages that he might actually ending up liking his back-up. Then Ronnie, like the pig he is, says, "Even if you don't, you'll probably still fuck her." Pauly: "Ooooooh!"
Apropos of that, Angelina and Jose hang out inside while everyone gets ready. She smugly tells Jose how Vinny got rejected. People in glass casas, girl. But the fat lady hasn't sung on this one, because Vinny does Ronnie's advice one better and calls Ramona back. Before you know it, he's convinced her to come out on the date. I'm not going to lie, my heart is swelling a bit. In your face, Angelina!
Pauly's date arrives first, and he admits he's nervous for the first time in a long time. They head on to the restaurant to flirt and eat calamari while Vinny waits for Ramona, who's late. Not a good sign. After a while, Vinny doesn't get an answer when he calls her, and everyone reaches the tragic conclusion that Vinny's been stood up. He sits at home and mopes while everyone heads out for the night. The flowers lie on his bed, slowly dying.
week: It's all trash, all the time. Literally, as "dirty hampster" Angelina (TM Situation 2010) leaves her used feminine products lying on the floor. Figuratively, as JWOWW's boyfriend comes to visit and finds she's been talking to other boys behind his back.
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