Previously: How does Ronnie get all that ass? And how is Sammi this dumb? Is it all about to blow up in their faces? Fingers crossed!
Da club. Ronnie dry smushes up on some hoochies at the club, underscored by an interview with The Situation in which he explains that Sammi is getting punk'd and that Ronnie's the President of the IFF, or I'm Fucked Foundation.
Speaking of punks, Snooki makes her nightly call to Emilio. He picks up, also at da club, and slurs a bunch of drunken idiotic grunts at her. She raises her voice because he says he can't hear her in da club. Logically, he gets pissy that she's screaming at him, tells her he's going to find another orange midget to pound out, and hangs up. She screams like a maniac before wishing an STD on him. Which is pretty stupid considering it would be more effective just to invite him down to the house and let the herpes nest do all the work for her. Snooki interviews that men are such jerk-offs that the lesbian rate in America is on the rise. I'm not so sure on the documentation on that one, particularly since I don't think, say, a Meredith Baxter Birney or a Kelly McGillis has had dealings with the likes of Emilio. Tila Tequila maybe...
Snooki takes her shit show to the girls' room, waking up Sammi in the process. Snooki moans what a bad idea it was to come to MIA with a boyfriend. This prompts Sammi to wonder if Ron Ron Douche is really screwing around on her. Snooki and JWOWW, who are fully aware that he is, hem and haw uncomfortably, further setting off Sammi's paranoia. JWOWW tries to skirt the issue by saying Sammi should be single "for [her] own sanity." Sammi turns her attention to Snooki, who wisely points out that it's not a good sign that Ronnie chose to stay at the club rather than go home with his supposed girlfriend. Snooki interviews that she and JWOWW are in a tough position because it's inevitable that Sammi will find out not only about Ronnie's cheating but also that the other girls knew. Sammi warns she'll be upset with the other girls if they're keeping things from her.
Cut back to da club, where all the other roommates watch Ronnie getting double teamed by some wannabe hookers and scamming girls' digits. Angelina interviews that Sammi looks like a fool, but she's in no position to break this kind of news. Never stopped her before!
Back home, JWOWW and Snooki have retreated to the patio, where they are fretting about what to do re: Sammi. They don't want to lose her as a friend and agree that something needs to be done soon. They get their chance when Sammi joins them outside, cursing a blue streak about what a lying liar Ronnie is. She charges them to "find out" whether Ronnie's creeping. Instead of coming out with it, they pass the buck to Angelina. JWOWW does bring up the salient point that maybe Sammi should work harder to find out about Ronnie's extracurricular activities because she doesn't want to get secondhand herp. They head inside, and Sammi writes, "Never fall in love in Miami" on the blackboard.
As if on cue, Emilio calls to apologize for being a drunken prick earlier. Not working for his case is the fact that he doesn't even recognize Snooki's voice when she answers the phone. With that rocky start, he barrels right into the meat of the matter (pun intended): He banged another bitch that night. Snooki switches from denial to anger in a split-second, telling him to eff off. It sounds like he tries to tell her he's just kidding as she hangs up, but it's hard to tell through the stream of expletives and Snooki roaring that crowds my ears. This is the sound of a gorilla juicehead losing its mate. Seriously, that was some Nell shit up in there.
Emilio calls back a second later. JWOWW answers and threatens to fly up to Poughkeepsie to beat his ass. He asks if he's on the voicemail system. Which, albeit a stupid question because how is a voicemail greeting going to answer your question? And yet I wouldn't be surprised if that were the house's outgoing greeting. JWOWW hangs up, so persistent Emilio rings again. This time, she pretends to be a voicemail box, which confuses Emilio, who screams "Hellllloooo?" into the phone for about a minute. After she finishes laughing, The WOWW tells Emilio that there are dozens of sexy guidos outside the girls' door at that very minute and that Snooki doesn't need to waste any time on "a drunk skank with no job." Click. The girls revel in their feminist frenzy as they laugh and cuddle pajama party-style, hit up the confessional to scream "Fuck guys!!!" in a chorus, and, for the thrilling climax, throw plates on the ground. For no good reason at all. We get more confessional ramblings from Snooki, who says she's done crying and ready to chop off some balls. There was probably more, but I couldn't register it because a headless JWOWW walks into the frame, hands on hips and titties a-poppin'. Man those things are like pink spandex-wrapped bowling balls. They head to bed, exhausted from the thrill of hating men, and cattily laugh that it's Angelina's job to pick up all the dishes they broke. And your 15 minutes of feminism ends now.
Elsewhere, the guys return home to a yard full of broken plates. Snooki briefs them on her "worst night ever." While Angelina takes it upon herself to be Snooki's pepper upper, Ronnie makes a beeline for his own bedroom. Sammi immediately starts bitching about how he couldn't be bothered to say goodnight after hitting up the club without her until six in the morning. She takes her traveling rage show to his bedroom to passive-aggressively prod him in hopes of an argument. He doesn't respond, so she says she was testing him and that he failed. He couldn't care less. She asks why he's even with her. All she gets is a surly non-response, so she tells him she's over it and not to talk to her again for the rest of the time they're in Miami.
The day, the girls head out for sushi. Sammi hopes to be distracted from Ronnie, but Angelina starts talking about the guys' club shenanigans the night before. Sammi questions that all the other guys were picking up girls and Ronnie was just sitting there. Instead of taking her cue, Angelina lies that Ronnie didn't do anything. JWOWW can't believe Angelina is holding back. Because she's totally upfront. And so the lunch passes with nary a truth told. They belch uncomfortable on their way home. I prefer to think it's from the pang of deception rather than the spicy mayo on the tuna roll.
Later that evening, Sitch hopes to cook a successful Sunday dinner for the whole gang. He says he needs to make this one happen because Snooki spoiled the last one when she dropped the chicken on the floor. So what does our beloved Situation do? He drops a big ol' bucket of marinara sauce on the floor. They forge bravely on, heating up a bottle of pre-made sauce. Snooki focuses her energies on opening a magnum of champagne, nearly taking Ronnie's eye out (so close!) when the cork explodes out of the bottle. Everyone who thinks the hijinks are over, step forward. Not so fast, dear reader! To top it all off, the refrigerator shelves then collapse in front of Sitch's own eyes! Making life function on even a mundane level really is a fool's errand for these people.
They finally sit down to eat, and Sitch off-handedly mentions how fun da club was the night before. Angelina tries to act like she's a member of the in crowd by laughing about some skeeze that Ronnie was macking. Of course, in doing this she blows Ronnie's game and reveals her lies to Sammi. Sammi slaps on a sour mug as they guys quickly change the subject.
After dinner, la famiglia plays a game of truth or truth, featuring a big bowl of questions that everyone must answer. Snooki adds that they decided to "put sexy clothes on and act like dumbasses," as if this is unusual behavior. Angelina's sexy dumbass outfit is nothing more than a camisole, which Pauly D quickly points out has an uncanny resemblance to a garbage bag. Man, I hope they never let that one go. Angelina needs these reminders. The game starts with the question "Who is the President of the IFF?" If you refer back to your meticulous notes, you'll realize that the IFF is the I'm Fucked Foundation, and Sitch appointed Ronnie the Prez. The guys fail at stifling their laughter, and it pretty much goes without saying that Sammi does not get the joke. The question goes to Snooki: "Which two guys/girls would you have a threesome with?" Snickers taps JWOWW and Vinny. JWOWW opts for Snooki and Pauly. Ronnie says chooses Sammi and Vinny, then jokes that he'd be okay with just Vinny, too. And then it's time for the classier tier of questions. For Sammi: "Which guy in the house could take a dump on my chest?" Laughter all around.
The tone of the evening shifts when Angelina gets the question "Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend or boyfriend?" Ronnie admits that he has and that everyone's cheated in the past. Says the cheater. The Situation says that even Sammi's not dumb enough to let Ronnie's roaming ways escape her notice. He says the same to Ronnie's face when the guys all go outside. Ronnie laughs it off. Sitch says Ronnie has changed since meeting Sammi. He used to be young and in love, now he wants his freedom and his "cookie" (Sammi). Then he adds, grossly, "I'm eatin' chocolate cookies every night, dawg!"
Ronnie heads back inside and asks Sammi to come to bed with him. She doesn't give a firm answer, meaning she totally will. Dear God, Have I died and gone to purgatory? Is Hell a continuous loop of Jersey Shore with only scenes featuring Sammi, Ronnie, and Angelina? Some days I feel that way.
The day, the guys get their GTL on. Quoth Sitch: "So you need to be on your tip-top game, with your GTL, to stay FTD, to get the girls to DTF in MIA. Say that five times." Quoth Lady Lola: "WTF?"
That night, JWOWW, Snooki, and Angelina talk about Sammi as they walk to dinner. JWOWW brings it home, asking Snooki if she'd be mad were the tables turned and Sammi kept quiet about Emilio cheating. Snooki waffles, so JWOWW spells out the laundry list of Ronnie's triple-make outs, motor boating, and number scamming exploits. She suggests that the three of them go to an internet cafe and write an anonymous letter. She proclaims the idea (that she came up with) genius and warns the other girls that they must take the knowledge of this secret epistle to their grave -- no matter how drunk they get. I love how that's an immediate condition that she doesn't need any time to add onto the plan. Snooki predicts that the shit is going to hit the fan, but the ladies think they're justified since Ronnie is lying about being in love with Sammi. Angelina secretly admits she thinks Sammi will take Ronnie back even after she knows the truth. Then the old gas bag farts. Seriously. I just spent 15 seconds of my life watching Snooki and JWOWW react to Angelina's stank fart.
Despite their fierce reserve, the ladies put off the letter writing for the night. Instead, they go back to the house and have a particularly strong batch of Ron Ron Juice. Pauly wonders who's going to be on Ronnie Watch that night. Ironically, suspicious Sammi is the first to be all, "Not it!" The two of them exchange barbs about Ronnie picking up grenades, which seems like a strange conversation to be having with your boyfriend. "Honey, it's so funny when you bang fat, ugly chicks!" "I know, sweetie, but sometimes it's slim pickin's at the club. Hahahahahaha!" Vom. Witness: Even Snooki is shaking her head. When an Oompa Loompa is looking at you askance, you need to check it.
The nonsense fight carries over to da club. They have the "It's not working" conversation with bass beats thumping behind them. Ronnie insists he's not an asshole or a dick, then practically in the breath says that Sammi is the only reason the relationship isn't working. Not all the cheating and lying, huh? Sammi tries to threaten him with how special and wonderful she is by saying he'll never find someone like her. The only flaw in that argument is that he does find someone like her just about every night of the week. Only most of the tricks he bags at the club probably have higher self-esteem.
After Ronnie walks away, Snooki and JWOWW head over to check on Sammi. Sammi is all, "I don't want to be with that. I'm done." At this point she might as well be saying, "Saucer bouffant violin banana" because that's how meaningless and irrelevant her words are. He already made the decision, honey. You have no power and haven't for longer than you'll ever realize. Witness: A little later everyone leaves Ronnie behind to check out the place. And who is the only person to wonder where Ronnie is? Sammi. She insists she has to make an effort, you know, since he's been so good at that. JWOWW gets pretty adamant that Sammi should stop making an ass of herself. Instead of listening, she follows Ronnie to a cab, where he locks her out and leaves her in his tracks. For the one-millionth time she declares she's done. Or should I say, "Airplane lemonade cardigan flatiron bleep bloop"? Meaningless!
The girls rally and join the boys, sans Ronnie, at B.E.D. Oh, but then Ronnie shows up. Instead of showing him how much better and hotter she is than him by hitting it with as many other guys as possible, Sammi gets all bothered and basically waits for Ronnie to approach her to be a prick some more. Well, Sweetheart, ask and ye shall receive! Ronnie comes up to her with these sweet nothings: "I hate you so much because I love you, you realize that?" She realizes that maybe he's not playing with a full deck and still tries to engage him in thoughtful conversation. In da club. She doesn't even get a sentence out before he screams at her, "I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you!" And falls on her lap. All while shaking his hips. And then says, "I love you, baby." Eventually Sammi convinces Ronnie to go home. She interviews that she's never seen someone so wasted, then -- in real time -- sets a bucket to his bed. He's snoring before it hits the ground.
Snooki and JWOWW head home shortly after. Sammi asks the girls what she should do. They slurrily tell her to take care of Ronnie and insist they won't be in the middle of this mess any more. They sneak away to the confessional where JWOWW trumpets that the anonymous letter is coming soon. Sammi eventually settles into bed, leaving Ronnie to fend for himself and land many late-night pratfalls.
Ronnie wakes up on the floor the morning, then rushes to the bathroom to projectile vomit Ron Ron Juice all up in this joint. With wretch still on his breath, he heads over to the couch to cuddle with Sammi. He is completely ungrateful that she took care of him, and furthermore insists like a real assbag that she started their fight. Then he's all, "But I still love you, baby." Of course she reciprocates. She's happier with Ronnie than without, she says. Real-world translation: "Fiddle dee dee fiddle dee do. Hamstring biology peppercorn!"
Over at the gelato shop, Pauly and Vinny make all sorts of idiotic innuendos while picking up underagers and butterfaces. Elsewhere, the girls are also up to no good. JWOWW drags Snooki by the pouf to the cybercafé so they can draft their damning, misspelled Ronsposé.
All these antics leave Sammi high and dry, so she falls back to her last resort -- hanging out with Angelina. She gets all mafiosa, threatening to cut Angelina off is she doesn't cop to anything and everything she knows about Ronnie's misdeeds. She says the same goes for Snooki and JWOWW. Angelina surprisingly doesn't jump at the chance to sell out the other girls, claiming she doesn't want to be the house's token shit-starter. She plays dumb yet again, lying that she'll be sure to tell Sammi if anything happens "in the future." Sammi desperately asks for confirmation that Angelina will tell narc on Ronnie. Angelina says she will, now that they're "friends." That's rich. Sammi credits Angelina for being so honest and real, saying she is sure to feel betrayed if (when) she finds anything out.
Meanwhile, Snooki and JWOWW smugly leave the Internet cafe, proclaiming their mission has been accomplished. Or at least it will be once they slip the "anonymous" letter into Sammi's drawer. You mean they weren't even smart enough to open a fake e-mail account and send it to her online? They're actually going to put it in the house where it will be painfully obvious that there are only seven possible senders? For the love, you guys! This is like watching penguins playing basketball. The level of ineptitude is astonishing.
While Ronnie, Pauly, and The Situation visit 24-hour laundry services, everyone else reconvenes at home. Sammi wakes Vinny from a peaceful slumber, and JWOWW takes the opportunity to fill Angelina in on the Operation: Lame-Ass Letter. After spending the entire evening lying her tits off, Angelina acts like she's above all this petty drama and complains the others are trying to pull her back in, Godfather-style. Oh get off your high horse, Don Whoreleone. Eventually she gets to the rub of things, admitting she doesn't want to get involved because it'll make her look bad. Snooki tells her that she is involved whether she likes it or not. She interviews that she doesn't trust Angelina. Angelina carries on, saying that everyone in the house is in a tough position, but Snooki and JWOWW especially so since they're Sammi's best friends. As an aside, I think it's a testament to how feeble Angelina's mind games are that Sammi is the only person in the house she can fool. I mean, Sammi has literally heard concrete facts about Ronnie's cheating, not to mention been called every name in the book by the man who supposedly loves her, and yet she keeps going back like a bruised puppy. She's a weak moron is what I'm saying. So I'm not sure why Angelina thinks she's got everyone fooled. No one but Sammi is buying whatever jacked-up brand of snake oil she's selling.
But I digress... JWOWW maintains that Angelina won't sell them out because she's under imminent threat of bodily harm from The WOWW and her Tits of Steel. And yet here's the kicker -- Snooki says that, if she sees one more tear fall from Sammi's eyes, she'll "send" the letter. After all that, they still aren't totally convinced about executing their bird-brained scheme! I think someone could literally fly out the front windshield of a car 48 times, and they'd still say, "If that happens one more time, I'm buckling up my seat belt!" In light of this fuckery, I'm announcing my self-appointment to the post of President of the FFSF, a.k.a. the For Fuck's Sake Foundation.
week: The letter has landed! The letter has landed! Mike and Pauly double-up on chicks. Snooki reads Emilio the riot act.
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