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If this show gets cancelled, I might have to stop watching television forever. Seriously, this episode left me short of breath -- in a good way! Just when we think all is lost and Mayor Gray is thinking about sending all of Roger's flock to fend for themselves instead of allowing them to be a constant drain on the town's resources, the Marines roll into town. Or do they? They tell Jericho that Iran and North Korea are to blame for the bombs, but all's okay, because the U.S. nuked the hell out of them, and now Columbus, Ohio is the seat of our new federal government. Meanwhile, the Marines are there to electrify Jericho and make everything shiny and happy again. Gray acts like a tool -- kissing up to the Marines and generally being a complete doofus -- until the Marines are suddenly called back to their base camp before they can actually get Jericho back on the grid. Jake gets suspicious when he gets on the Marines' radio and realizes that their "base camp" is one guy on the outskirts of Jericho. Dad gets suspicious when he makes a heartfelt toast at Gray's going-away dinner for the Marines and gets Army responses of "hooah" instead of "oorah." After Stanley nabs the faker on the perimeter, Dad, Jake, Eric, and Gray take down the "Marines," who have been going from town to town, getting supplies, lying about the war, and pretending to be Marines. Because Dad decides that learning of the "Marines"' fakery would purge the town of all hope, they send the "Marines" on their merry way and pretend that all is still fine and dandy. On the outskirts of town, Dad tsk-tsks the "Marines" some more, boots them out, and keeps their tank. Oh, hell, I nearly forgot about the Hawkins family! During all this hullabaloorah, Hawkins suddenly figures Sarah out, lifts her BlackOpsberry, and sees all her past conversations with her contact. Almost instantly, Sarah realizes that Hawkins is on to her, and takes Sam hostage while she proceeds to have a friendly chat with Hawkins. Darcy arrives on the scene and is taken hostage along with Allison, until Hawkins produces the package. He produces it -- and it's definitely a bomb -- but then Hawkins and Sarah tussle and ALLISON SHOOTS SARAH! Shoots! Dead! Sadly, Darcy's had enough of Hawkins's life, and leaves with the kids. Hawkins is left to pick up Sarah's BlackOpsberry and pretend to be Sarah in order to track down Sarah's contact. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The streets of Jericho -- or, the one street we ever see, which, of course, must be Main Street -- are wet with melted snow. Must not be too terribly cold, then. The trees and surfaces we can see are sprayed with snow. Except for one very deciduous-looking tree in the left hand side of the shot, still greenly and happily alive. I guess the EMP weatherproofed it. Lucky tree. Some neighing horses are hitched to a large pony trap -- or is it a stage, high-flier, or barouche? I need to consult my Jane Austen -- while a few good citizens of Jericho pack up their cars. Dad badgers one such citizen that leaving town with what little gas he has is foolhardy. I love recapping a show where "foolhardy" is part of the vernacular. (I can't promise you that Dad said the actual word right at that exact point, but he's said it before and you know he's going to say it again.)
In the town hall -- which keeps reminding me of the one-room church on Little House On The Prairie -- Stanley stands in front of the Blackboard of Doom and talks about how doomed they all are in their dwindling resources. Mimi stands to him, her arms crossed, like some sort of East Coast Vanna White with serious attitude. Gray, with the briefest of shifty eyes, asks what happens to their resources if they don't factor in the refugees. "They're part of this town now," bleats Grand Prophet Roger. to him, Emily shrinks into her fur-lined hood and tries not to leap with happiness at Gray's suggestion. Grand Prophet Roger and Gray argue about the refugees. They use up more resources than they supply. Oh, but what about the quixotic windmills? Yeah, still just a glint in Heather's -- possibly dead -- eye. Dad interrupts the argument to say that they are losing good people of Jericho. Gray doesn't care; it's their choice to leave. Exactly, and they won't be a drain on the town's resources if they go away to die. If year will be (in my dreams) "Season 2: The Blockade," will the following be "Season 3: Eat Thy Neighbor"? I think so. While the two nameless Jerichoians cower out of the camera, Gray stands up and demands, "What am I missing that's not on that board? You find it for me because I don't see it. Without some...X factor, we're not going to make it through the winter, not all of us. We've got to make some hard decisions, and I think the last ones in should be the first to go." Emily looks quietly ecstatic.
We go from town hall to a scarily intense close-up of Jake's face. His eyes bug open as a rumble fills the air. Jake looks over at his couch side table, where a glass of water, a blue Glade candle, and a really ornate stamped gold book with gilt edges rattle together. It's the little touches on this show that tickle me. Like, what do you suppose Jake was reading before he dropped into his post-frostbite sleep? Bulfinch's Mythology? Little Dorrit? The Anniversary Edition of Archie's Comics? Also, I think the blue Glade candle has an orange starfish on it, which probably means it's some sort of beachy, ocean-breeze scent. Because it's relaxing for him and his poor bruised face. Forget nuclear disaster: "Breath of the Sea," take me away! Before the glass can chitter off the table, Jake clamps his hand on it and looks around wildly.
Trying so very hard to be butch, Eric leads some outriders into town, bellowing, "Clear the streets! We need to clear the streets!" Do you think anyone ever listens to Eric? I'd be like, "Who's making all that noise? Oh, it's that other Green kid. The one who led Ravenwood to us."
Jake hobbles to his stained-glass window and bugs his eyes some more as he takes in the view. Not sure what can be seen from the Green house, but it's Jake, so he can see all.
We get a street shot from behind an old pickup truck. The light is pale blue, and the snow is stark and white, and suddenly, a long protuberance forces its way into view. It's the gun of a steadily moving tank. I know this first look was supposed to be all heraldic and comforting -- that is, if you didn't see the previews -- but it's really quite ominous. It's not exactly "I remember every detail -- the Germans wore grey, you wore blue," but it's also not Hershey bars and hot GIs. Marines march authoritatively to the tank. The townspeople gather. The tank halts at City Hall. After a Marine bellows, "Who's in charge here?," Gray stutteringly pushes his way to the front of the crowd assembled at City Hall; his baldhead was cowering in the back. He introduces himself as the mayor. The Marine in Charge rattles off a string of official-sounding identifiers, and when Gray and the rest of the audience is all, "Uh, so that makes you...?," the camera closes in on the face of the Marine in Charge, who announces, "We're the United States Marines, and we're here to help!" It's so convincing that I almost got recruited right off my couch.
Tonight's Morse code message is, "If you teach a teen to shoot a gun in the sixth episode, she will go off by the fifteenth."
The good folks of Jericho gather 'round, whispering, "Marines! Marines? Marines!" MIC announces that they've set up a base in Kansas to ready the entire state for the Army Corps of Engineers: "Now that we've won the war, it's time to start rebuilding." They could use some of that thinking in Iraq. The good folks of Jericho whisper, "War! War? War!" After understanding that Jericho has been in the dark -- literally and intellectually -- for a good long time, MIC proudly bellows, "We nuked the hell out of North Korea and Iran!" The good folks of Jericho whisper, "Rutabaga! Rutabaga? Rutabaga!" "So they were behind it?" Gray wonders loudly. No, we just nuke the hell out of countries for no reason, Gray. Oh, wait. MIC says that, from what he's heard, Iran financed it and North Korea supplied the bombs, and now "we've" got troops "all over" looking for the terrorists who snuck in the bombs. See, this is what happens when you're so worried about five ounces of toothpaste: you miss the huge barrels of bombs. Eric wonders what happens . "Largest reconstruction effort in the history of the country," MIC explains. I don't know, Boston's Big Dig was pretty major. Gray -- needing to know how big a butt he will be kissing -- asks who's in charge. It's the former Health and Human Services Secretary, and he's set up the new Federal Government in Columbus, OH. "How did they decide on COLUMBUS?!" Gray demands, like he's all aghast that Jericho wasn't considered. MIC doesn't know or care, because his orders are to restore LIGHTS! And POWER! And INFRASTRUCTURE to Kansas, ONE TOWN AT A TIME! Dancing in the streets. Cheering. Gray, being a bit of a downer, asks for a solid timeframe. "Should have your shelves full of Oreos and Hot Pockets by the end of the year," smiles MIC. That's nice; tempt them with stuff they still can't eat. Some of them are like, "Man, and I had just managed to stop craving Double-Stuffs. Thanks, Marines." Gray finally cheers. "Welcome back to the grid, Jericho!" bellows MIC. "Thank god for the U.S. Marines!" says Gray, grabbing MIC's hand. "Ooh-rah," responds MIC. That will be important later. In the midst of all this happiness, Eric tilts back his head and puts on one happy orgasm face that makes me very uncomfortable. How does Mary bear it? People jump and cheer and hug. Bonnie and that punk Sean she picked up several episodes ago pull an Eisenstadt moment. Stanley glares like a farmer brother until Mimi forces him to kiss her and be happy. Even Jake looks happy as his white teeth split through his battered face, and he tells Stanley to get a room. In response, Stanley grips Jake into a threesome.
Hawkins House. I'm sad that Hawkins and Jake haven't been interacting of late. They are the team of awesomeness that made me call this show Jake And The Black Man. Instead of hearing the tanks or being aware of any such nonsense, such as street dancing, Hawkins packs. Sarah walks in from wherever she was -- taking a pee? Snapping more necks? Not seeing the tanks? -- and asks how the packing is going. "We'll be ready when we're ready," Darcy snaps. Sarah turns incredulously amused eyes at Hawkins and tells him that she'll get the rest of her things from downstairs. Allison sighingly asks how many more times they're going to have to move. Hawkins thinks this is the last time. "Really?" Allison snits deliciously, like the Hawkins-spawned teenager she is. "You're going to stay in one place from now on?" Hawkins doesn't have an answer to that.
In the town square where the ticker tape must be gearing up, MIC addresses Dad as "Sergeant Green -- Marine Corps?" Dad ducks his head, aw-shucksingly, and says, "Aw, hell no, Army Ranger." MIC jokes, "Well, I'll try not to hold that against you." MIC tells them that it could be weeks before the Army Corps of Engineers arrives, but in the meantime, they should be making wish lists of their needs. Gray stumbles over himself asking what he can do to help. Well, the Marines need a command post, so Gray gives them the Sheriff's office. Mary Bailey trips her way over, beaming like it's Fleet Week and her birthday rolled into one, and offers to take MIC's men over to her tavern. Where Miss Kitty will set them up with some nice hookers, I'm sure. MIC calls one of his men over and tells him to gather the troops and follow Mary back to her bar, where they can get drunk, as long as they conduct themselves like Marines. "Aye, sir!" says the kid. Dad sort of squints at this in the background. "Don't you 'sir' me, PFC! I work for a living -- DISMISSED!" "Aye-aye, Gunnery Sergeant!" says the kid, and leaves. By way of explanation, MIC explains to Dad that normally he would have had the PFC doing push-ups until he puked but, you know, nuclear holocaust and all. Dad understands. He asks if there's anything else they can do, and MIC summons a corporal to his side. She explains that they need parts for their radio. Jake offers to help. After he introduces himself as "Jake," the lance corporal returns with "Maggie." Maggie asks, "So you're the town's electronics expert?" "Naw, I'm not an expert at anything," says Jake, ducking his hooded head and huddling into his limp. "But I can improvise." Not an expert -- that Jake is such a cut-up!
Hawkins House. As Hawkins joins Sarah in the basement, she quickly stashes her BlackOpsBerry out of sight. Don't be so dramatic; it's not like Hawkins doesn't know you have it. Freak. Hawkins has been thinking that maybe it's not such a good idea for him to leave his family. Sarah is annoyed, because they've been over this already. Hawkins thinks he can protect them. Sarah points out that his family never mattered before. Well, bitch, now they do, just like they did when he left D.C. "What's it going to take?" Sarah sneers. "Someone slitting your wife's throat before you get it?" Hawkins grabs Sarah, stares at her, and decides, "You're right. We will drop them at the safe house and then we'll keep moving." Sarah agrees that it's the right thing to do. Hawkins knows now. He's no longer being Mohinder; he finally gets it. Now, for a nice, hot cup of curare tea. Carefully, Hawkins touches Sarah's cheek and betrays her with a kiss.
Bailey's Bar. Mimi is jazzed about being an accountant again. "Does that mean I'm back in debt?" Stanley wonders. You know how D.C. blew up? Yeah, well, I think all those papers got exploded, Stan. Mimi burbles at him not to be so negative, because New York made it, and come year, she'll be walking through Central Park. Stanley just shakes his head at her and makes a sour face. Mimi's all, "What?" Sean, Bonnie's punk, comes bounding into the bar -- are underagers allowed? -- and announces, "Dude, this is awesome! I could totally be a Marine!" Class, meet Sean -- he just moved to Jericho from California. "Duuuude!" Stanley surf-talks back, "I could TOTALLY see that happenin'!" Sean actually believes Stanley for a moment, and nods back happily. "Except for everything ABOUT you," Stanley adds. I can't read sign language, but I'm pretty sure Bonnie just told her brother to "piss off." Stanley and his chin return the compliment, and then, as Bonnie and Sean leave, Stanley points at Sean. I...think it's a threat? Mimi tells him to chill, because it's just a phase and soon the kid will be gone. "Yeah, and maybe you can give him a ride out of town," Stanley snaps. Mimi tries to explain the impossible -- that thinking about leaving town isn't the same as thinking about leaving Stanley. Stanley's not convinced. Mimi suggests that he come with her, but Stanley gets up from the bar, announcing that New York is not his life. He leaves. "Well, this isn't MINE!" Mimi half-whispers.
Hawkins House. Ewwww, Hawkins and Sarah are still making out! Finally, they come up for air, and Hawkins thinks that they need to get back to loading the truck. Sarah gives him one more lingering kiss and leaves, checking him out as she goes up the stairs. Hawkins smiles at her until she's out of sight, and then immediately drops his smile and pulls her BlackOpsBerry from his back pocket. NICE! He flips it open and reads through the messages. We see the name she's been corresponding with: "Farabee."
Bailey's Bar. Emily throws herself into a hug with Jake, who looks warily up at Grand Prophet Roger. "I heard what happened to you, are you okay?" Emily natters, blondely. "Yeah, I'm better than the truck!" snorts Jake. Emily caws like it's the funniest thing she's ever heard and says -- way too breathily for having her FIANCÉ STANDING RIGHT TO HER -- "I've gotta quit worrying about you one of these days, right?" When did we see Emily worrying about Jake recently? She was so wrapped up in Grand Prophet Roger giving away his ugly sheets, I don't think she cared where Jake was. Jake doesn't really have an answer to that. Grand Prophet Roger shakes his head slightly, and then sticks his hand out to Jake, saying, "Hey Jake, amazing, huh?" Jake agrees that it is indeed great news, and shakes the happy couple off to turn back to his Marinette. Jake asks what other towns are like. Maggie says that she hasn't seen anything like this since they entered the CZ, which is the Contamination Zone. Jericho is in CZ-12. Why am I detailing this when it's all lies? I have no clue. One thing that is probably true is that Lawrence, Kansas's buildings are all destroyed, and the neighbors are fighting each other for food.
It's a beautiful day in this hungry town,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?It's a neighborly day in this beauty food,
A starvingly day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?I've always wanted to eat a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to chow on a neighborhood with you.So, let's make the most of this feasting day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my dinner?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my dinner? Hey, neigh-burp!Maggie goes to brood over the bar's jukebox. Jake tells Mary that they need a transistor for the Marine's radio. Can they take the jukebox apart? Unbelievably, Mary whines, "You're going to take my music -- isn't there anything else you can take apart?" Bitch! Yeah, by all means, whinge about losing your music in the face of nuclear holocaust. What a freaking tool. Mary and Eric deserve each other. Maggie makes an unfunny that, since Mary's got three Spin Doctors albums on there, they'd be performing a public service. Mary's not willing to budge, so Jake figures that they can use an old ham radio. Because that wouldn't be useful to the post-EMP town at all. Yeah, keep your damn jukebox, Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, and see what happens when the town gives their ham radio to these Semper Faux (tm awesomely ThatPoshGirl).
Hawkins House. Sarah helps Sam with boxes, and the music gets dangerous. Putting down her pack, Sarah sees the top pouch unzipped and her BlackOpsBerry gone. Making sure Sam is engrossed in a coloring book about math, Sarah pulls her gun from her back waistband -- does she have a holster back there, or does she just stick it down her pants? Because, uncomfortable! -- and walks through the room.
Meanwhile, Hawkins gets up to speed on what Sarah's been saying to her contact about Hawkins, his family, and his huge package.
Instead of going downstairs, Sarah, gun hanging by her side, sidles over to Sam.
Once Hawkins reads that Sarah was going to use his family against him, he slides the BlackOpsBerry shut and pulls out his gun.
Upstairs, Sarah is standing uncomfortably close to Sam. Hawkins forces a smile for Sam and glares at Sarah, who tells him that he has something of hers. Glaring. Staring. Gun on thigh. Glaring. Sam's big eyes. Staring. Drums. Commercial.
After the commercial, there's still glaring and staring. Sarah invites Sam to sit on the couch with her while she and Hawkins talk. "You go ahead, Sam," Hawkins says in an unnaturally loud voice. "Just play with your coloring books." As soon as Sam turns around, Hawkins raises his arms to show he isn't threatening anything, and uncocks his gun. Sam looks around at the noise. Hawkins whips the gun out of sight. Then we get a really weird view of Hawkins. From Sam and Sarah's vantage point, Hawkins looks really short. Bizarrely so. He's wearing this long sweatshirt and jeans that bag at the ankles. Plus, his knees look sort of knocked together -- it's really odd. I blame Wardrobe for making him look like a munchkin. Sarah and Hawkins continue to glare and stare. Turning to look over the back of the couch, Sarah raises her gun and levels it at Hawkins. Hawkins puts his gun in a drawer. Someone is going to die tonight, and it's not going to be Hawkins, tra la la! Hawkins shows Sarah the BlackOpsBerry and says, "This is what you want, right?" It's not the only thing. Sarah gestures at Hawkins to sit down, and tells him he's been lying to her: "When did you fall back in love with your wife?" Hawkins chuckles. Sam looks around. "It's okay," Hawkins tells him in a very not-okay voice, "You go back to your book." Hawkins sits down and ponders.
MIC takes a look at Jericho's Blackboard of Doom, and notes that they did better than most towns the Marines have seen. If he were a cartoon character, he'd have dollar signs aah-oogahing and popping out of his head. "Town's lucky to have a military man in charge," says MIC. I assume that he means Dad, even though he's looking at Gray, because Gray looks slightly crestfallen. "Well, I guess we've done all right," says Dad quietly. Gray steps in loudly: "With the salt from my mines, we've been able to do some trading with some nearby towns." His mines? Really? I don't remember that at all. MIC notes that Jericho seems to have been blessed, and then says that, because of that, it won't be top priority on the aid list. Gray stutters and stammers over his greediness, and gets mad that because Jericho planned better than other towns, its residents won't get served in a quick manner. Kicking about at the ground with his feet, Dad mutters to Gray that they can get along a while longer if they have to. Gray's not having it, especially since he's the one who will be blamed. Ignoring Gray, MIC asks Dad for their wish list, and says he'll see what they can do. MIC and Dad leave Gray to shift and stare at his Blackboard of Doom.
Jake and Maggie bond over cannibalizing the ham radio, and Jake's injuries. Jake admits that someone ran them off the road, and that he was just trying to stay alive, "you know?" Maggie gives him eyes over the smoke of her soldering iron: "I do." Aw, the smell of melting metal is so romantical. Jake pries a little bit into Maggie's Marinehood. She got bored with an office job and wanted to see the world, but so far, she's seen Omaha. Jake's seen the world -- just all the wrong places. "Man, you have got this brooding, bad-boy thing down to an art!" Maggie laughs. Jake grins, embarrassed to be discovered.
Hawkins House. Hawkins realizes that the recordings Sarah sent of her capture were just her playing him. "Me playing you?" Sarah scoffs, "We were living together. I showed up here, and you have a family again!" Sam looks around again. Hawkins tells him it's okay: "It's just a story, you know? It's just a story we're telling." Yeah, Richard Scarry's Guns, And Bombs, And Things That Go Boom. Sarah's pissed about promises Hawkins made her and broke. Hawkins asks whether she was working for the people in the video. "I was, but now I'm working for myself," Sarah replies. She's a freelancer. Better save those receipts, Sarah. I think you might be able to write off your ammo.
Jake and Maggie continue to bond about their hopes and dreams. Maggie hopes one day to settle in a down like Jericho "for the duration." What does that mean, exactly? Usually when people say that, it's in the context of "For the duration of my long, painful, and exceedingly drawn-out illness," or "for the duration of my confinement." Meaning, pregnancy, and we're back in a Jane Austen novel again. Jake confesses to thinking about flying again -- maybe even for the military, because it's safer than being on the ground. "Not if you're a radio operator," Maggie points out, grinning. "I'm the safest of all. I get to ride in the tank." Except that your radio -- THE RADIO THAT YOU ARE FIXING RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW -- got hit. Jake points that out, because he's Jake. Maggie has a quick answer: "What, you think a girl can't get out and kick some ass every once in awhile?" Not when you're supposed to be maintaining radio contact. Maggie finishes the radio and gets up. She's going to call division HQ in Dodge City. "That's about two hundred miles away," Jake points out. Well, their trusty radio has made it farther. Maggie gets all military speak on the radio and calls their division head. She gets a response telling them to get the hell back to Dodge. Roger and out. (I wish he was, actually.) Maggie packs up. Jake bugs his swollen face and asks what's going on. He's told that the Marines have been called back to the base.
Hawkins House. Hawkins wants to know what Sarah intends to do with the package. "Sell it, and get as far away from here as possible," Sarah responds. Now, who is going to buy it? And with what? And where will she go? 'Cause I don't think any planes are flying to Bermuda these days. This makes Hawkins laugh, for some reason. Sarah also represses a smile. Hawkins quickly drops his smile and asks what happened to her. "In the last two months, I've learned two things: everybody has a price, and everybody lies," says Sarah. I guess we're supposed to believe that she was once good, but that the nuclear holocaust soured her on the beauty and wonder that is life? Darcy walks in right about...now. And where has she been? Has she learned of the tanks? How has she NOT learned of the tanks? There's a flurry as Sam tries to jump up, Darcy sees the gun, Sarah slams Sam back into the couch, Hawkins tells Darcy to stay where she is, and Sarah waves her gun around some more.
In the dark town square, Gray does a pee-pee dance around the Semper Faux as he realizes that they are bugging out. They've been called back to base, and MIC isn't at liberty to discuss it. Then there's a little skit all for Mayor Gray's benefit. The Semper Faux don't have enough fuel to get the tank back to base. They might have to leave it behind with two guards on post. But without the tank, the Semper Faux are sitting ducks! They're Marines, they'll make do. Cue Mayor Gray: "I can get you fuel. Not much, but enough to get you back to Dodge." MIC is listening. Gray sees how this is going to go: "Plus whatever supplies you need, but I just need assurances that Jericho's going to be taken care of." MIC talks about some Red Cross supplies that are supposed to be arriving in Kansas. He can promise that Jericho will be at the top of the list. "That's all I ask," says Mayor Gray. It's very important to be at the top of an imaginary list. MIC tells his troops that they are going to stand down for one hour while the mayor sells the town out from under it.
Jake strolls with Maggie and asks if she'll be back to Jericho. She won't, and she tells him he'll have a whole new set of "grunts" to flirt with: "And the Corps of Engineers are nowhere cute as I am." Jake tells her she should think about coming back when she gets out. Dude, Heather's abducted body is barely warm and...this? Jake's trying to fill a hole in his bad-boy heart, is that it? Maggie asks what Jake thinks she would do in Jericho. Bake pies? Jake doesn't know, but thinks she's a good fit. Maggie waxes self-pityingly: "You know, before all of this started, I might have agreed with you...I won't make it back here." Jake steps closer, because if Maggie won't make it back, there's no commitment in stealing a kiss. Perfunctorily, Maggie turns around and awkwardly steps toward Jake to kiss him. It's barely a kiss. It's more of a bump. I'm not satisfied. Jake leans in with half-closed eyes for more, but before we even get to the "bam" in bamp-chicka-chicka," the door flies open and MIC yells, "Corporal MULLIN!" Maggie responds. "Why is your gear not loaded up?" MIC demands, as Jake grins in embarrassment. "Uh," Maggie grasps. MIC rolls his eyes and tells her not to answer that. Jake pulls his hoodie over his head to hide. He's grinning. He's cute. MIC tells Maggie that everyone is heading over to Town Hall, where the Mayor wants to express his appreciation to the Semper Faux, but that someone needs to stay with the gear, and guess what? Maggie just drew the short straw. MIC leaves, and for some reason, the kissing doesn't continue. Jake and Maggie just giggle a bit, and Jake goes to get more supplies.
Hawkins House. Sarah orders Hawkins to get the package. She's just dying for his package, isn't she? Hawkins tries to stall. Doesn't work. "You're losing something tonight, I promise you that," says Sarah. Yep, he's losing a package. Leaping up and pressing her gun to the back of Sam's head, Sarah says, "The only question is, is it going to be something with a heartbeat?" Darcy is horrified. Hawkins waves at her to stand down, and goes to get the package. Sarah orders Darcy to bring Allison down.
Jake hears a call coming in from "Dodge City." The dude on the other line says, "Lima Charlie, it's cold as hell out here!" Jake answers it and identifies himself. "Jake Green, this is an official Marine channel get off of--" There's an explosion. Jake pulls the radio phone away from his ear and boggles. He asks if the dude on the other end is taking fire. Jake then realizes that the dumb-ass town of Jericho is setting off fireworks. The better for other murderous scavengers to find them, of course. Jake bursts outside and stares at his dumb-ass town before slapping his forehead and screaming, "THAT'S why I left home!" Jake, very slooowly and theatrically, pulls up his hoodie and joins the crowd. He hears Gray dribble all over MIC that they're just giving the Semper Faux something to remember them by. MIC thanks Gray, but says that they need to move on. Jake looks around at all the happily duped good folks of Jericho. Gray won't hear of the Semper Faux leaving on an empty stomach, and says that he has one more token of gratitude to bestow upon them. ("Bestow" is my word; Gray couldn't find that vocab with fog lights and a microscope.) Jake finds Stanley and tells him to find their guys from patrol and do a sweep of the area, with guns. Stanley protests that they couldn't be safer with the Semper Faux in town, but Jake insists that he knows something's not right. And do you know why Jake knows? Because he's Jake. Jake sends Stanley looking for a guy with a radio just as Mimi bounds up, needing something. "I can't talk," Stanley tells her, bugging out. Jake also leaves. "Well, it's GOOD talking to ya!" Mimi bitches, alone.
to a roaring Town Hall fire, Semper Faux and civilians eat. So, who was important enough to get invited to this little shindig? Because they aren't all Semper Faux and Gray. Dad and Mom, sure, but who are these other yahoos? Important townfolk? The country doctor, the country parson, the country crock? Gray bangs a glass and gets up to not make a speech. Instead, he wants "former Sergeant Green" to make a speech. Because Gray knows who wears the fatigues in this here town. Blindsided, but still a class act, Dad -- screw it, he's Mayor Dad even if he isn't in the elected office! -- stands up and rumbles, "The Marine Corps has a motto, 'Semper Fidelis.' 'Always faithful.' And I think it's very fitting that, in our darkest hour, it was Marines who came to our rescue. Never before in our nation's history has a motto been so tried and so necessary. So, uh, Gunny, Marines, Semper Fi." I would just like to note that when Mayor Dad really was Major Dad -- and yes, I watched that show -- he had a Gunnery Sergeant secretary, who was only known as "Gunny." And it just sounds so familiar coming out of McRaney's mouth that I could almost picture Beverly Archer at the table, scowling up at him. As Mayor Dad says "Semper Fi," he raises his glass. Some Semper Faux shout the proper "ooh-rah," and others shout "hoo-ah," which is Army and therefore wrong. Mayor Dad pauses, concerned. Then he sits down. He looks around at the Semper Faux, happily eating and drinking, and is troubled. Tossing conversation lightly enough for a snare trap at MIC, he asks whether the Fighting Fourth has seen much action. "From Iwo to Iraq -- if there's a war, there's the Fourth," responds MIC. "Semper Fi," Mayor Dad responds, immediately and shibbolethly. "Ooh-rah," MIC returns. "Hooh-wah!" some dumb-ass Semper Fax yells, a little too happily. I think he's the same one who addressed MIC as "sir." Not at all slyly, Mayor Dad drops his silverware with a loud clatter on his plate. He just so shaken by the "hooh-wah," he can't hide it any longer! Mom looks at him with interest, wondering if this is the day the cyanide toothpaste finally works. MIC also gives Mayor Dad a gimlet eye. Mayor Dad excuses himself and drags Mom off. MIC watches them leave.
In the hall, Mom wonders what the hell is up with Mayor Dad's motor skills. Jake arrives and locks eyes with Mayor Dad. Knowing that they both have news, Mayor Dad motions and whispers at him to get downstairs. Jake complies without batting his pretty eyes.
Downstairs, the three Greens assemble in a room and shut the door. Jake limps around and reports that he heard the fireworks on the Semper Faux radio: "And Dodge City's two hundred miles away." Mom doesn't get it. Jake explains that the Semper Faux have someone on the outskirts of town, pretending to be Dodge City. Sort of makes them Dodgy City, doesn't it? "Tell me I'm crazy," says Jake. Mayor Dad shakes his head: "If you are, so am I. Nobody calls an NCO 'sir,' and a Marine would never say 'Hoo-ah' -- that's an Army thing. These guys did both. Marines are all about detail." Mom, who is getting over her disappointment of another failed poisoning attempt, shudders, "Well, if these guys aren't Marines, who are they?" ZOMBIES! "People with enough firepower to wipe the town out," Major Dad decides. "And we gave them half the town's supplies," Jake adds. They need to tell Gray, but it's hard to separate Gray's lips from Semper Faux ass. Mom mentions the idea of the tank turning Main Street into a bloodbath, and having a roomful of hostages. Jake recommends that they get back to the dinner before anyone gets suspicious; he'll wait for Stanley and "see what [he] can do about the tank." And do you know why he'll take care of the tank? Because he's Jake.
Hawkins House. Allison, Darcy, Sam, and Sarah wait silently as noise rumbles downstairs. Allison stares Sarah down with the awesomest, bitchiest, teen-girl face EVER! She's almost doing a flutter-roll with her eyes, but she'd rather just stare nasty daggers. In the basement, Hawkins bashes concrete with a sledgehammer. He's pretending it's Sarah's face. So am I. Upstairs, Sarah is intrigued by the lack of fear in Allison's heavy-lidded, hate-filled eyes. As Sarah stares at her, Allison ever-so-slightly lifts her chin even more defiantly. Goaded, Sarah deliberately aims her gun at Allison, and what does Allison do? She SNEERS! Baby girl is SNEERING down the barrel of a gun! Hawkins hacks at more concrete to reveal the package, the big ol' barrel of nuclear death, the bomb.
Maggie packs up boxes of supplies. Jake approaches her warily and glaringly and holds up the radio, asking, "How was Dodge City picking up our fireworks?" He tosses the radio. Maggie tries to make pop and ping excuses, but Jake yells at her not to lie to him. Not now. Not after the bump. Stanley's voice crackles through on the radio, and Jake grabs at it, getting it away from Maggie. Stanley tells Jake that he found a guy on the outskirts of town with a radio, claiming to be with the Semper Faux, and that Stanley's bringing him in. Jake whirls around to demand, "Is any of this real?" Maggie has leveled a gun at him: "The gun's real." Maggie apologizes that this is how it has to be. Jake accuses her of going around conning food and fuel out of people. Maggie protests that Jake doesn't know how bad it is out there. Oh, but he does, Maggie, he does. Jake wants to know how they got all their Semper Faux stuff. There was a food riot in their refugee camp, and a dozen Marines never had a chance against ten thousand starving people. "So you killed them?" Jake asks, repulsed. Maggie shakes her head: "They retreated, and we took what they left. Tried to get some food in the town. It worked so well that we kept doing it." Where are the rest of the ten thousand? Jake steps forward, but Maggie warns him back. She doesn't want to kill him and not be able to sleep at night. Jake, shining a flashlight in her face, doesn't think she has it in her. Jake, when someone has a gun on you, don't piss her off by shining a flashlight in her face. It's rude. MIC gets behind Jake and rifle-butts him into unconsciousness. Ai-yi-yi! Jake's poor head! He's going to have so many issues after this war is over.
Hawkins House. Using a dolly, Hawkins drags and bumps and bangs the bomb up the basement steps. Like, seriously? They were so careful about how they secured it in the truck with the seatbelts and top padding and now he's yanking on it, like it's just boxes of office paper from Scranton? Hawkins planned so far ahead -- what with the African tribal masks and the lacy black underwear -- that you'd think he'd have put in an elevator in there. Or a pulley system. Or one of those ramps that bars slide kegs down. Hawkins bumps the bomb into the middle of the living room. Sarah orders him to open it and then step back. Sarah pulls out a Geiger counter, and it clicks obligingly. Darcy can't believe that Hawkins has had that thing here all this time. "It's not armed and the lead blocks all radiation," Hawkins tells her. Darcy starts to say that she can't believe Hawkins brought it into their house, but he shushes her.
MIC can't believe that Maggie ratted them out to Jake. Maggie protests that he figured it out. They argue about what to do. Maggie insists that they aren't killers, and that they should just leave. MIC says that they can't get half a mile out of town and have the whole town after them; it will be Greenville all over again. "I was a PE teacher who saw too many movies, now I'm a Marine," says MIC. "I'm adapting." "No," Maggie responds. "It's him or us," MIC insists. "I vote for you," says Mayor Dad, cocking out a big ol' rifle. Gray cocks. Eric cocks. Some other dude cocks. They're surrounded. By cocks. "You know, ammunition being in such short supply, I doubt those weapons are even loaded." MIC asks if he wants to take that chance, but Gray has already lowered his gun. "I know damn well this one is," Mayor Dad says. Gray bats the gun out of MIC's hands and rifle-butts him to the floor, saying, "Sonuvabitch!" Mayor Dad yells at everyone to get their hands up, and Eric helps Jake to his feet. Mayor Dad hauls MIC to his feet and how-dares him for wearing a Marine uniform. "It's not a uniform, it's a costume -- half the towns we go through don't even fly the flag," MIC announces. So...that means...what? Eric wants to know if everything the Semper Faux told them about North Korea and Iran was a lie. He's told that some of it they heard, some of it they made up. Can't tell what's true or not. Well, start by telling us what you made up, dicks! Gray rumbles that they still have laws in Jericho -- funny, you weren't about the laws in Jericho when you were going to lynch Jonah Prowse without trial -- and tomorrow, he's going to let the town decide what to do with the Semper Faux. Yeah, mob mentality, good deal. Mayor Dad disagrees greatly and says that they have to give the town something to hope for. The Semper Faux and their tales of war and whatever is their "X factor": "People need faith just as much as they need food." Suddenly he's Adama and he knows the way to Earth. Gray mewls that he doesn't know what they do now. Mayor Dad unloads some cartridges, reloads the empty magazine into the gun, and announces, "Then we give a hero's exit, ooh-rah." That last bit was awesomely sarcastic.
Hawkins House. Sarah says that the only way she can be sure Hawkins doesn't follow her is to take Sam with her. She'll leave him just outside of town. "No!" Darcy protests, and bangs the gun out of Sarah's hand. Sarah kicks Darcy into a wall. Darcy slumps. Hawkins throws himself on Sarah and they crash into a glass (naturally) table. Hawkins throttles Sarah and yells at Allison to get Sam out of there. Allison goes to check on Darcy, as Sarah manages to do some fancy moves to get away from Hawkins. They fight. Oh, man, it's been so long since I've had the bliss of recapping a fight! There's lots of throwing and crashing. Sarah pulls out a knife and stabs Hawkins in the leg. She jabs and parries and knocks Hawkins on his back onto the table. She raises her arm for a final blow with the knife, but is shot from behind. The bullet comes out the other side, through her heart. Sarah collapses on Hawkins. Hawkins pushes her off onto the ground and gasps as he looks up AND SEES ALLISON HOLDING THE GUN! The wisp of gun smoke rises dramatically. Allison's hands are steady.
After the commercials, Allison holds the gun in both hands and points it at the floor. Hawkins checks to make sure she's okay; she is. "I'm sorry," Hawkins pants. "Dad," Allison teenages, "I'm fine." Darcy -- who is up and about -- stares at Sarah's dead body. Hawkins takes the gun from Allison. Darcy touches Allison's face and says, "You are NOT fine. Robert, we are NOT FINE!" Darcy demands to know how long it will be before more people come after him -- after them. Hawkins tries to say something, but Darcy shakes him off and sobs that they are not safe with him. She pulls the kids out of the house. Sam looks back at Hawkins with big eyes. Allison shakes off her mother's grip and walks back to her father. "I love you, Dad," she tells him. "I love you too, Baby Girl," Hawkins sobs. Allison walks back to her mother. They leave. "Darcy!" Hawkins calls impotently after them. Aw.
The town cheers as the Semper Faux leave town. Everyone's shiny and happy. The Jerichoians escort them out with casual weapons dangling. Jake limps alongside Maggie and tries to convince her to stay with him in Jericho. Maggie tells him that it will never work -- not after the lies they told. Mimi finds Stanley. "Not now, Mimi!" he says, holding up a hand. "Like hell 'not now,' Cornhusker!" Mimi retorts. "Cornhuskers are from Nebraska, I'm a Jayhawk," Stanley retorts. Dude, you're a corn farmer. I really think someone needs to check him for concussion. He seems to be losing track of things. Mimi stares him down and finally says, "You drive me so crazy, and you know I can't stay here forever, but the truth is, I can't live without you either." So serious so soon? Stanley smiles goofily and cocks his head: "Really?" He's a dork. Mimi and Stanley smooch.
All alone, Hawkins ties off his bloody leg. He hears the blooping of the BlackOpsBerry and searches it out. The contact asks what Sarah's status is. Hawkins writes, "Hawkins is dead. I have the package. Where can we meet?" What he gets back is very unsatisfying: "Location TBD. Will contact you. Good work." Hawkins closes the BlackOpsBerry and looks intense.
The tank moves slowly out of town. On the outskirts, Mayor Green and a bunch of men are waiting. Jake tells the Semper Faux that they gave them enough food to get them a few days out. "Hey, how about some water, man?" whines MIC. As a response, Mayor Green rips some sort of Marine insignia off MIC's unworthy chest and orders, "Make do." Mayor Green raises his voice to say that they will all leave their weapons with the tank and get the hell out of their town. The Semper Faux comply and slink away. Maggie gives Jake a backward glance. "Be careful," Jake tells her. She gazes at him as she walks away. Jake asks what they do now. "We soldier on," says Mayor Dad. What about the tank? Mayor Dad asks whether Stanley -- who is already up on the gun, checking it out -- has room in his barn. "Seriously?" Stanley grins, totally tickled. "Why not?" Mayor Dad shrugs, walking off into the falling snow. "You never know when you might need a tank." Here I must share an email from an obliging reader who tells me: "...that tank that mayor dad took from the 'marines' was a M1 tank and it runs on a jet engine. so good luck on having enough gas to get it anywhere, let alone a barn on the outside of town." They all turn and watch Mayor Dad walk away into the night. It's a sort of a "who was that masked man, anyway?" kind of moment. A bit weird when we know the answer.
week: pre-emption. Sad.