Oh, teaser. Do you really think we've been ignoring you? Must you be so repetitive? I don't care if the VO is done by a man or a woman, and switching up the gender isn't endearing, either. Ooh, look! Here's a note I wrote earlier. It reads like this: Dear teaser. Shut up, already. Sincerely, Alex Richmond. P.S. I know you know you're only filler.
Ooh, a previously. We go back to Episode Ten, the "not a trial" episode. Jake introduces himself as "the agent with million of tiny robots inside." Aww, he speaks in the third person. Alex Richmond finds that so cute! Silver Fox looks meaningfully at Jake's new nemesis, whom I nicknamed The Woman, but since she's so ruthless, I'm changing her name to Witchay Woman. I may introduce a Meaningful Look count too, since meaningful looks are quite important in the J2 oeuvre. In fact, if someone were to develop a J2 drinking game, I would suggest that meaningful looks get one sip. More and you'll get super-tanked. Jake hollers that the tribunal is about the NSA "finding a scapegoat," and Silver Fox booms, "You're outta line!" Hey, from where I'm sitting, it seems like the whole SYSTEM is outta line. I mean, Jack Nicholson is still considered a sex symbol? Robert Evans has an animated show? What is everyone smoking? Wax lips? Then Witchay Woman says, "A man like that bent to your will could accomplish anything." Then we see Jake in his WolfPak garb, then punching a punching bag to tiny bits. Silver Fox says he doesn't think Jake is bent to anyone's will just yet, and The Man barks at Jake, "You follow orders!" Witchay Woman says, "That's the problem. One I intend to rectify." Oooh! Witchay Woman is going to bend Jake to her wiiiiill!
Hey there, satellite! Let's fall through the atmosphere together. Whee! Oh, look, there's the NSA campus coming up at us fast, like Christmas. We arrive at Dr. Thora's laboratory, where she's double-checking everyone's lunch orders. For some reason, this task seems incredibly weighted, like a conversation in a Bergman film. Everyone is staring off into middle distance and has faces on like Mount Rushmore. No one even seems hungry. Leader of the Pack intones as solemnly as a nun that she ordered vegetable soup, green salad, brown rice. Jake cracks, "Now we know how she keeps her girlish figure," and Dr. Thora howls like it's the funniest thing she ever heard. Okay, something is clearly up. And, Leader is a vegetarian? Awesome. Is that rare for a former enlisted woman? Maybe just medium-rare. Dr. Thora rattles her pages and finds her order: pepperoni pizza with anchovies and artichokes. "It's the two As that make a meal worth having. Dig in, guys! Mmm!" Except there's no food, and Dr. Thora is just crinkling paper. The hell? Jake wheels around and focuses on a spot on the wall. Then, we zoom inside and see a tiny microchip blow up. This is where Funhouse asks, "So he has the power to blow stuff up?" Not exactly, dear. He "interfaced" with it. And made it blow up. But it has to be "technology" for him to do that. You'd think that Witchay Woman would know better than to plant bugs around Jake. May I suggest a mole? After all, my fabulous peer Gustave has already made the point that moles are to 24 what vampires are to Buffy. Let's get some moles on J2. And what happened to Hacker? Is he languishing in a Plexiglas cage somewhere? Oh, forget it.
So, the lunch date was a ruse, and now that Jake has defused the bug (and The Man gets a crack in at Dr. Thora -- "The two As that make a meal worth having?"), he says irritably, "I thought the war was with our enemies out there, not with our superiors in here." Hey, Jake, lose the black-and-white vision. Things get cloudy sometimes. Don't forget about the unknown unknowns, man! Leader says, "Get used to it. There are factions up there that don't want to see us succeed. And they aren't used to things they can't control. And they can't control you." Duh. They can't even keep tabs on him. They can't even properly intimidate him. All reasons why Jake is the sheezy. So, The Man, Leader, and Dr. Thora had a talk. Jake cracks, "You're voting me off the island?" No, you've been Philiminated. Or America didn't vote for you. Or you aren't Paris Hilton, and no one wants to see your ass crack. The Man says, "We can all have lives after the program. We can move on. You, on the other hand, are the program. If it shuts down, Jake..." There's a pause, and a meaningful look from The Man (sip!). Jake laughs and says, "What, they'll put me in a cage five miles beneath the earth?" Probably. Or, you know. The other kind of being beneath the earth. The cageless, lifeless kind. The Man says he knows a guy that can make people disappear. And said guy owes The Man a favor. Dr. Thora says that, if Jake wants it, "there is a way out of this war." Jake creases up his forehead big-time. Wow, with moves like that, it's almost like I'm watching The O.C.!
Now we're watching grainy footage of combat in South Kembu, Africa. A chopper circles, fatigued men with guns, and finally, a blow-dried newscaster from "NWN" weighs in with the details: General Baako has broken a cease-fire and is attempting to overthrow the parliamentary democracy established by King Namir. The graphics are hilarious; the King is on the hard left, and his country is in crosshairs, over on the sympathetic right. Baako is on the right, with a flag behind him and an outline of Africa to the left. If I can infer anything from these graphics -- and years of reading The Onion provides me with confidence that I can -- I think the King is not long for this world, and Baako is going to be wearing his red beret at a jaunty angle someday soon. Witchay Woman and Silver Fox watch the broadcast from a balcony high above the War Room floor. How Shakespearean! Now the King, played by the poor man's Morgan Freeman, gets to address the viewers of NWN. He says that South Kembu has always been run by the people and that they're going to stand up to that "tyrant," Baako, and their "allies from around the world will stand" with him. I don't think any African coup has gotten this much coverage on TV, except maybe on BBC World News. When the King is finished, Witchay Woman drones, "His allies are us and the French." You mean the "Freedom"? Please. They're not fighters! They're lovers! Baguette-sucking, Dijon-eating, stripy-shirt-wearing, bicycle-riding lovers! And everyone knows it. They're just too afraid to say it! Witchay Woman goes on to say that as long as the oil fields are producing, the U.S. will remain allies with South Kembu. So, what does the King want? Protection for his son, Prince Malik, who's at a private university in the Washington area (info provided by NWN! And it surely seems like a violation of protocol to provide paparazzi footage of the handsome Prince dashing into his classroom like Paris Hilton ducking into a nightclub. Like, Vogue won't even print that Natalie Portman is at Harvard, for the stalkers. Don't diplomats and royalty get the same perks?). Silver Fox says he thinks there'll be an attempt on the Prince's life, since Baako is such a bloody murderer who kills people's families and stuff. So, they should get one of their agents on it, ASAP. Witchay Woman says dryly, "What's Agent Foley up to?" Ruh roh.
Credits. Jake's life just got reeeeal interesting.
NSA campus. Witchay Woman hails Jake in the hallway, then adds with a brittle, chipper note, "Please. Call me Valerie." Jake looks away from her with that expression of "ew" and "oh, shit -- Witchay is trying to cozy up to me." He slides into The Leader's office and says Witchay was "pleasant," and that he's "reeeally scared." Leader says there's a reason for her bright new attitude: Jake's new assignment, to guard Prince Malik. Jake's close to his age, after all, and The Man adds, "You are the ultimate surveillance equipment." The Man will keep an eye out for sleeper cells. And hey, what about the whole talk about making Jake disappear? Any new thoughts on that? Jake doesn't have any new thoughts on that, and for the time being, he's cool on watching the Prince. "I've never seen a moat!" Really? I see a dork, and it's you, Jake.
Lights up on a generic college campus. Jake stalks the green in a brown jacket and backpack, and is promptly beaned by a Frisbee. A woman across the green radios in: "Are you okay?" Jake's fine, and "there's no need to put that in the report." Sure there is. It's hilarious! Jake tosses the Frisbee back so hard it breaks a window. Sigh. He don't know his own nanite-enhanced strength yet. I mean, "again."
Jake hops up some beautiful red wood stairs in search of the Prince. At the top of the stairs is a formidable package -- a strapping, unsmiling African man. Jake introduces himself smurfily, and when the man doesn't respond, he says, "Jambo?" Ree? Jamboree?" The man barely perceptibly cocks an eyebrow, then we hear a chuckle. It's a slightly smaller, slightly hipper African-American sounding man, who says he doesn't think his large-size friend speaks Swahili. The big guy, Tracy, says he "grew up in Vermont." So, syrup me, then. The smaller guy is Prince Mailk, and he warns Jake that if he ever bows or calls Malik "Your Highness," he's fired. And what's with Jake, anyway? "Are they downsizing at the NSA?" He means 'cause Jake is skinny, see. Jake jokes, "Didn't you hear? Scrawny is the new big." And honesty is the new irony, and Jake, in bodyguard terms, scrawny will never be "it." The Prince starts with the ground rules: he doesn't like bodyguards. "That's not suave! So you keep your distance and nobody gets hurt." Jake is afraid that Malik will. Malik takes a pause and says, "You're not hanging with me, man. At least not in those clothes." Ooh, makeover time! It's African Prince Eye for the Geeky Guy! I love this show!
Malik offers Jake a '70s-era blue polyester track suit. It's so thrift-store-looking! Even with really fly Adidas, Jake is going to look like a dork. Jake is less than thrilled with the track suit, but Malik goads him into it ("The crown prince of Tajir didn't think it was so bad! He wore it with pride!"). Malik tells Jake to take his time changing into it and that he'll be waiting. Oh, and then they can discuss the property in Florida he has for sale, too.
A few moments later, Jake announces that he's coming out and that he "looks like a Muppet reject." Maybe...a Fraggle? Of course, the Prince has high-tailed it, and the female agent working with Jake says she sees the Prince heading off-campus. Jake says he's on it, but Tracy doesn't want to remove himself from the doorway. Jake, so looking like the Six Million Dollar Geek, heads off to the fire escape and runs down one flight before leaping down to the ground, several stories below. He lands roughly, then takes off running. Good thing he's in a track suit!
Prince Malik is surprised to see Jake in front of his car, and stops with a screech. "How'd you do that?" Jake just says he's good at his job. So, what will it cost to buy his privacy? Jake can't be bribed. "Well, that's disappointing." Know what else, Prince? You're stuck with Jake. And I think we're going to have some wacky hijinks coming up soon. Like, what a mismatched pair! Not since Aykroyd and Murphy have I been so zzzz. Malik takes off fast, screeching through traffic and turning corners on two wheels. He starts trying to put the fear of God in Jake. Like, his last bodyguard took two shots to the head. "You ever seen brain?" It's Malik's driving that's scaring Jake most, though. "Aren't you scared of getting a ticket?" Malik deadpans, "Two words: Diplomatic immunity." As he runs a red light, he insists he's going to enjoy life to the fullest. Cars screech around him and he says, "What, it was yellow."
The NWN shows more footage of South Kembu, and says Baako has control of two of the country's three power plants. The Man mutters to Dr. Thora, "How does the news know that before we do?" Hey, tell it to the 2000 presidential election, mack. Then Leader comes in and says Baako has control of all the plants, even though the King just said an hour ago that he had control. Dr. Thora is all, "He's our ally, why would he lie?" Leader cocks her head at her, like, don't you have beakers to polish, scientist? Dr. Thora says she's concerned about Jake. Leader says that she "needs better intel," like someone close to the King. Dr. Thora is all, Jake's close to the King! He's guarding his only son!
So we cut to Jake, looking deeply uncomfortable in his blue track suit as he shifts from foot to foot, looking through a chain link fence onto a basketball court. As if to ram down our throats that Jake's out of his element, hip-hop music blares. Adroit African-Americans play basketball with grace and style. Jake's cell phone rings, and he tells The Man that things with the Prince are, on a scale of one to ten, "a two." The Man tells Jake to look for emails or communication from the King to his son, since he thinks the King could only be honest with his heir. Jake sees Malik's palm pilot sticking out of his gym bag, and gets an idea.
Jake takes a seat on the bench and nanite-spies into Malik's PDA. Then a baller yells, "Hey you?" Jake says he was just, uh...oh, they want him to play? He's "not what the doctors call coordinated." Great, more geek-out-of-classroom-but-he's-really-a-great-asset scenes. Jake does miserably at first; then Malik asks for a sidebar. Someone on the other team, in the great tradition of trash-talking street basketball, wonders if "Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner are going to get back into the game." Ooh, what a ridiculous burn. And does everyone know Jake is Malik's bodyguard? Malik tells Jake to sit this game out, and Jake says, "Remember when I said I was doing my best? I lied." Then he makes a three-point shot and Malik is all, not bad! Then we get the requisite scene of Jake housing all the other players with his souped-up nanite-enhanced speed and agility. Who knew nanites gave you game? And if these two were girls, this would so totally be a shopping montage.
Back at the glamorous dorm, Malik asks where Jake learned to play like that. Akron. And Malik? Well, he learned at the hands of one Michael Jordan. "Dad flew him out for a week." Jake goes, "Yeah. Well, I uh, owned a pair of Air Jordans once." Dude. I own a pair now. Black and purple, circa 1990. They're practically mint, baby. I'm going to sell them to help put my unborn children through college. eBay! Malik says Jake is a good guy, and he doesn't often say that, since his father raised him to trust no one. And that dad of his has done a lot of things he's not proud of, either. But that's the way it goes, and that's the way it will be for him when he's king. Jake, a.k.a. Sir Ethics-a-Lot, says, "Why don't you think you can change it?" 'Cause it's Malik's destiny. Wow, just one basketball game and these two are bonding like they've spent a whole semester together. What about hazing? Malik makes Jake wear one dorky track suit, and then he impresses Malik on the court, and kaboom, they're instant confidantes? And then, Jake resumes his spy duties by noting Malik's gym bag. Finally, the inevitable betrayal, now that Malik has Jake's trust. When Malik goes to crash, Jake snags his PDA. Malik says Jake can "keep" or "burn" the track suit (my suggestion? Sell it on eBay), and Jake laughs nervously. Night! I'm just gonna go spy on ya now, Your Highn-- never mind.
In a car, watching the Prince's dorm, is a young African-American man who looks a little like DMX. He watches a video transmission of Baako, who says all members of the royal family must be eliminated. Yeah. I think we all saw that coming.
Jake uploads the data off Malik's PDA; then his ear piece squawks. There's been a breach in dorm security! Someone's entered through the fire escape!
Jake bursts into the Prince's room, and he's in there getting busy with a pretty woman. They glare at Jake, who sputters, "Sorry! As you were." Resume getting-business! At least they aren't getting busy in a Burger King bathroom.
Mooorning. The lady Malik was with the night before, Anna, warns Jake that she's going for the utensils -- he isn't going to "get" her, is he? No, unless she was planning to gut him with her cereal spoon. Anna wonders what makes Jake qualified to be Malik's bodyguard, given his slim stature. Well, they are in college -- tell them about nanotechnology, Jake! And how you're the first human to be, um, "infected" with them. Or, you know, just tap your cranium and say your kung-fu and special knowledge is "all in here." Whatever. Jake says that makes it easier to kill a man with your bare hands. Malik is all, you did what? Jake sips coffee and stares him down like he's in the World Series of Poker, non-celebrity version. Malik cracks up and, offering Jake a pound, says he feels him. Jake says, "For shizzle?" Oh, boy. After the b-ball bonding, he says "for shizzle"? That's a damn shizzame. Oh, my bad. I mean "a dizzamn shizzame." It's sizzo hard to stizzop doing that, once you stizzart. I mean, back in the dizzay -- and you know that back in the dizzay, they never said "-izzay"? It's a fact. Now all those -izzles have just clouded my thinking. No wonder Snoop Dogg quit smoking weed. Anyway, it's Malik's twenty-first birthday this weekend, and they're having a party. Jake expresses some doubt as to whether the party is a good idea. Anna is rather insistent that the party go on. Oh, boy. I can see from a mile away that the DMX-looking assassin is going to be at the party, too. But whatever. Jake says he'll be at Malik's side all night long. Sans track suit, let's hope.
Jake and Malik stride off to class together. Jake says Anna seems nice, "once you get to know her." Oh, snizzap. Malik says she's great, and that "it's going to be really hard to break up with her." Since he has an arranged marriage and all. With his cousin, Shawanda. Who's fourteen and weighs in at 350 pounds. Jake stares, completely buying it. Malik is shitting him, of course. Wow, Jake is really gullible. And they've been hanging out for like two days, too! We just had our TWoP Staff convention in lovely Las Vegas, Nevada, and AB Chao got me but good. After I busted on the overall quality of writing in airline magazines, she told me she wrote for AirSky magazine, and even interviewed Viggo Mortensen for the December issue. I was all, really? I think I saw that on the cover? Then she was all, PSYCHE. It's not even called AirSky. This much is true, though: The worst coffee in the world is served on Delta Airlines. It is! I read it in AirSky magazine! Anyway, Malik is free to marry whomever he wishes, as long as she's a royal family sympathizer from Kembu. Well, that definitely narrows it down.
The Man calls Jake, and says the info harvested from Malik's PDA was just personal. Can Jake get some more data? They need it, since Kembu is the U.S.'s greatest provider of oil in that region. "We're getting a lot of pressure from above." Huh? How about some pressure to move the plot along; we're like 28 minutes in and this is getting stale. On to calculus class.
Okay, a friend of mine -- a cool, mathy guy who's actually been on the NSA campus (doing what? I'd tell you, but then I'd have to...oh, forget it, he didn't even tell me what he was doing there) -- told me that the whole classroom scene that goes down here was bullshit. Jake, posing as a student auditing the class ("Me? I'm Alan. Uh, Alan Hergott."), thinks he knows the answer, but is called wrong. Who will "atone for his failure"? Malik. He steps up to the blackboard and -- do I really need to recap the math problem? It's all p-one vectors and integers and combining the product to find real numbers. I took calc in college, and the thought of diving in again makes my head wrinkle up like I'm a guest star on The O.C., the biggest wrinkly-head teen show since . Like, "symmetry condition"? Please. So, Malik takes over and solves the problem, and Jake downloads the content of Malik's laptop. Sneaky spy stuff!
In the hallway, Jake not-so-subtly hands off the mini-disk to his female NSA campus spy. Anna sees the move and calls Jake on it. Malik is all, "I was just beginning to trust you. You're fired!" Jake is all, "You can't fire me!" But he just did.
NSA campus. The Man walks in to Leader's office, holding a file containing an email from the king to his son. Something about the autumn winds blowing? Are those like the winds of change? Man, the whistling in that song rules. Oh, wait. Leader thinks the message is what a Japanese king said before he was assassinated, so the King must think he's about to lose the war. Or his life. And that Baako doesn't want an heir. Oh my god. WE KNOW.
Oh, is it that time? It seems to be. Gather 'round for the latest in my Tales From Alex's Harem.
This week, I want to get into how having a harem, while tons of fun, creates conflicts. This week, Funhouse wanted to take me out for his sister's birthday party on Sunday, the designated "Be Bad Night" I usually share with Styles. It sucked having to cancel on Styles, but we're in the party season, and I can be bad anytime, right? Well, I wish it were true, but it isn't. As I get older, I find I have to make time to be bad, just like I make appointments for the dentist. And Be Bad Night is a fine, fine tradition that deserves to be upheld with the most solemnity. But I let it go, for Funhouse's family. What's happening to me? Could I be falling in love? Tune in week to find out.
Party time. Jake isn't "on the list" for Malik's birthday bash; Tracy won't let him in. Now, if Malik has hired Tracy for personal bodyguard work, why isn't he going full-on with the protection stuff? It's like Tracy is a vanity bodyguard or something -- all of the show, none of the taking-a-bullet stuff. I can see the ad now: "Bodyguard needed. Light physical intimidation required, along with some guest-list maintenance. Casing the perimeter and taking bullets play no part of this great opportunity! Bulky types encouraged to apply." Jake's phone rings; it's The Man, with images of the potential sleeper cells on campus that might have connections to Baako. The pictures pop up on Jake's phone. There's the DMX-looking guy, another African-American guy, an exotic-looking brunette chica, and...Jake remembers seeing DMX coming into the party. He apologizes, then hurls Tracy into the people lined up outside the party. That move is called the Lizzie Grubman, and is not recommended for amateurs.
Jake maneuvers through the strobe-lit party, gets hit on ("Whassup baby daddy! You're soo good!"), then peers at the strobe light to make it turn on full blast. Everyone at the party "awwws!" at the brightness, then Jake jumps DMX and pounds him but good. He had a gun, see. Malik holds Anna close to him, then re-hires Jake. That skinny kid is good!
As the scene is closed for examination, Anna cries softly ("I can't believe this!"), and The Man waves Jake over. The King is dead. Jake breaks the news to Malik, who licks his lips and fights back tears. So am I, but they're of boredom. MOVE IT ALONG, already.
Now the beautifully-paneled dorm is secured. NWN says that Baako will surely be the new ruler of Kembu, if Malik isn't assassinated or anything anytime soon. Then Jake gets called back to Leader's office. Anna is all, "We want you here!" But Jake has to go.
In Leader's office, Jake gives an oral report of what happened, adding, "But you know all this. What am I doing here?" Leader and The Man look at each other meaningfully (sip!), as if to say, uh-oh, someone's going to get a case of the ethi-wethics! And care like a little bear! Oh, yes he is! Jake's off the case. Because Malik is going to have to make his own security arrangements (feel free to use my ad, prince), since the U.S. is entering diplomatic talks with Baako's new government. Jake is all, "So we're changing sides. Just like that." Yepper. Though we weren't really on anyone's side but the oil's. You know, whoever controls the flow is whom we're down for. Is this news to anyone? Leader says, "You proved yourself, you proved our unit...it's a small victory." Heh, she said "unit." Jake stomps out of the office like Donna Martin.
In the hallway, Jake runs into Witchay Woman. He's mad that he's been taken off guard duty since, I don't know, he cares about protecting a human life or something. What a pussy! Witchay says, "You know something I don't? This agency's job is to uphold our nation's foreign policy. Protecting the enemy of our new ally contradicts that policy." Now, that sounds like us, all right. Plus the self-congratulatory photo ops that have been flooding our nation since we started the whole Iraq invasion thing. And what about the whole capture of Saddam Hussein thing? That photo of him with the beard on, post-capturing, is as crazy as Nick Nolte's mug shot when he was arrested for driving 'n' roofing. Jake is all, "You're okay with that?" Oh, look at the free-thinking citi-witizen! All caring about individuals more than institutions! He's been boning up on his life-protecting lessons, all for nothing! Witchay advises Jake leaves his politics at the door. Yeah, the WIMP door, sucka. He hisses, "And my ethics?" Witchay looks like she smells a fart when she says she doesn't know about those, since she barely knows Jake. Well, not with that attitude, you won't!
Jake returns to the dorm, looking for Malik. He isn't around. Jake uses his nano-hearing and catches a snippet of Malik saying, "It's all over." Jake rushes to the roof, where Malik and Anna are holding each other and looking at the Washington Monument. Cue the sad piano! Okay, now work it throughout the scene. Good job. Malik says he isn't going to jump, and if he did, Jake would probably save him, anyway. Jake says he "has some bad news," but Malik already knows that "Baako's your man now." He looks over at some twinkling lights that are supposed to be Embassy Row, and guesses that they're all busy partying because not one of them called him. Anna says, "The ambassador of South Africa said he'd call you in the morning!" Oh, boy. I'd love to hear that call. "Sorry your dad's dead and that the lineage of your family has been cut off at the knees -- hey, can I call you in the AM? Sweet." Malik knows the ambassador is "going to be busy," then thanks Jake for doing all he could. Malik will be okay. It's his "destiny." Go, sad piano, go!
Back at the NSA, Jake and Dr. Thora have a drink in her lab. How awesome to see that keeping booze in the office is a tradition kept alive by Generation X. Now, who do I talk to about the whole not-reading-newspapers thing? Just kidding. I know why young people don't read newspapers anymore -- because there isn't enough cursing. Anyway, the bottle Dr. Thora has looks like Goldschlager (blech!), but the liquid is amber-colored, like whiskey. Good for her. She says Jake "needs to make peace" with the ways of the NSA, since "at the end of the day," there's nothing he can do about it. It's true. Shake it off, Jake. But he can't. He doesn't know if he can do this anymore. Dr. Thora says she would understand if he didn't or couldn't come to work for the NSA anymore, but she would "really, really miss" him. Oh, yeah. This should be the part when they kiss. But they don't! Dammit! They just look at each other meaningfully (sip!), then look back down at their glasses.
The Man and Jake shake hands. The Man says, "Sorry it wasn't enough." It sounds so final!
So, Jake meets the man who knows how to make people disappear. Earl, he's called. "Though everyone who calls me that turns up dead." Jake is all, "What do we do?" Earl says, "We don't do anything. You give me your car, credit cards, and ID, kiss 'em goodbye. Couple days from now, your neighbors discover a horrible stench." And your new identity, also created by Earl, carries you over the border. Jake asks if the new identity is "bullet-proof." Earl says, "It's Kevlar." That is so corny. Is this new identity Superman's cape? Dude, It's Wonder Woman's bracelets.
Morning at the NSA. Dr. Thora nervously hops and skips into the War Room. I wonder if Keegan ever had any dance training. She breathlessly asks if anyone saw Jake this morning. The Man says, "You won't." Sad Piano goes into overdrive as Dr. Thora looks down with a big ole pouty lower lip. Come on, lip. I don't see enough trembling! Tremble for me! Say my name! Up in the War Room box seats, Silver Fox and Witchay Woman look on Dr. Thora's heartbreak and smile their patented evil smiles. Dr. Thora turns to walk away, and the doors to the War Room slide open a la Star Trek, and who walks through the door, fetchingly back-lit and in a cute white shirt? That's right. One Jake Foley. Dr. Thora, becoming the most like a Bond girl as she has in her tenure in this role, gasps, "Jake!" He's all, what? She smiles and says he's late for his morning workout. Then the NWN broadcast comes on, and The Man learns that Malik was killed in a car bombing early that morning. Also killed was "an unknown female companion," probably Anna. Hmmm...could it be? That Jake got Earl to do to Malik what was gonna be arranged for him? But we're only 47 minutes in -- could there be an actual twist to this slowly unfolding flat sheet of a plot? Silver Fox and Witchay look at each other meaningfully. Sip! The Man says to Jake, "Let's go take a walk."
They do. They board the elevator; Jake dismantles the security camera inside and they talk. The Man knows Jake handed Malik over to Earl for the disappearing act thing. "You do know that was a one-time only deal. You gave Malik your ticket to a new life." Hey, that's because Jake cares more about some guy he just met than himself. I mean, if Jake lives, he can save more people than if he had run off to the border as a new person, with all that nanotechnology inside him. No, wait -- Jake can do more good for the world working for the U.S. government than if he assumed a new identity -- no, none of this is ringing true. Let's try this: Jake 2.0 wants to stay on the air, so this plot about ethics and corruption is just kinda weak, but no one really minds since its a fun show. Jake just says, "He needed it more." Um, Jake? How do you know that? You played one freaking basketball game with the guy, and he housed you in calculus class. So his life is worth more? Come on. Oh, right; Jake is forever learning obvious lessons for doofi who haven't fully matured yet. The Man says Jake has "a good heart," but that his "timing" may be off. Look at this other photo of one of Baako's sleepers: Anna. So, Anna works for Baako. And now they're assumed dead, but really together somewhere with new identities. But even though this is obviously going to be a happy ending, the music gets all tense and poundy as Jake realizes he "sent her away" with Malik. The Man intones, "And now she's going to kill him." Go, tense keyboard, go!
The Man and Jake show up at Earl's shop for a little eyebrow-beetling and wrench-rattling intimidation. Like, where are Malik and Anna? The Man, in the tightest close-up of his life, says, "Now listen. You're not the only one who knows how to make people disappear!" Earl folds faster than Martin Sheen at that celebrity poker tournament (for his favorite charity!).
Cut to a glass of wine being poured. Mmmm. Hey, did you know Keckler and I like the same wine? Well, we do. It's from Abruzzo. Also, she drank Romulan Ale when we were in Vegas, and it made her teeth blue. I just wanted to give Keckler a shout-out. The wine goes "nuk nuk nuk nuk nuk" into a glass, and Anna hands it to Malik. He asks why he feels like a coward. She says he's not a coward.
Jake and The Man speed away in a car, saying, "We're going to have to handle this ourselves."
Malik sits on a bed moodily. Anna says she loves him, and he says without looking at her, "Love you too, babe." He seems distracted. She says weepily, "They told me to get close to you. But I got too close. I'm sorry." Then she lifts a huge, fierce knife high into the air. Malik grabs it and shouts, "Anna, stop!"
Screee! The car rushes toward them. Fifty-three minutes in. One totally crazy parking job later, the spy guys have arrived. Jake nano-hears Malik yelling at Anna, and then jumps four stories up, completely vertically, to the fire escape outside their apartment. It's a ridiculous leap, way beyond Wonder Woman leaping over a wall. The Man cocks an eyebrow, then heads for the stairs.
Jake bursts in the apartment and sees Malik and Anna wrestling. She's holding a knife. Jake pulls them apart, then shakes the knife out of her hand. He asks Malik if he's okay, but Malik just screams, "Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! She was trying to kill herself, man! She couldn't kill me, so she tried to kill herself!" Jake looks at Anna, who trembles on the floor below him. He lets her go. Malik tries to hold her, saying, "It's going to be all right." She pushes him away, crying. "It's never going to be all right! It's been going on for three hundred years! We can't escape it!" Malik holds her, and Jake watches on in shock. Then Sir Ethics-a-Lot says, "She's right. You can't escape it. But you may be able to change it." You can chaaaii-yaange the woooo-rld!
Nightfall on our nation's capital. It's time for world news on NWN. Ooh, I wonder what's going on in Kembu? The blow-dried newscaster says that Prince Malik, earlier believed dead in a car bombing, has resurfaced, married to a Baako loyalist, and leading a newly formed coalition army to retake his country back from Baako. Shit, that's a really busy week! I wish I could manage my time as well as Malik. Jake reports to Witchay. She asks if he knew about this story. He says yes, he did. He "heard about it on the radio, it's really quite an amazing story." She says Malik might just be able to "reclaim his throne." He says, "The real question is, who are we going to back?" She says, "The winner, of course. Goodnight, Jake." And she moves off to be swallowed into the hallways of the NSA.