Hey, this week there's a new teaser intro re-telling all the faithful fans what we already knew: Jake Foley used to be an ordinary guy, until a nanite-related accident in a secret lab inside the NSA turned him into the "world's first computer-enhanced man." That's a little glib. One could argue that a guy with an artificial heart that's being monitored remotely via the internet is "computer-enhanced" as well. But the guy with the heart transplant probably can't change WALK/DON'T WALK signs to suit his fancy, either. Sooo, "the computers interface with his biochemistry" and turn Jake into "America's secret weapon," and ultimately "the ultimate human upgrade." I'm buying what you're selling, Monsieur Greenwalt. Now can you please get America's secret weapon laid?
We land inside a D.C. Metro tunnel, scary, sepia-toned at first, with crazy-looking lighting. After a few fast cuts of speeded-up rush hour scenes, we see Jake, wearing his walkman and looking ready to catch some wrong-doers. The Man brushes by him, also on the job. Nothing escapes Jake's scrutiny. Not the panhandler with the sign, not the Robert Johnson-esque busker. He misses the girl in the powder-blue Neighborhoodie that says "VICTORIOUS," but I didn't. Awesome hoodie, yo. One guy who "fits the profile" opens his briefcase to reveal...a holistic health care magazine. Not the guy. Then Jake sees another man getting a bag out of a pay locker, and his nanite-sense gets all tingly. I thought pay lockers were extinct, like Woolworth's and the Backstreet Boys. Jake watches as the suspicious man drops a bundle into a trash can, then heads for the escalators. He radios to The Man that the bundle has been dropped, and he's in pursuit. The bundle is two silver gas canisters -- very ominous, very Tokyo commuter tragedy. Suspect takes off running, and there's a fun nanite-enchanced chase up the crowded Metro escalators in which Jake gets a burst of super-speed and tackles Suspect at the very tippy-top. When he flips Suspect over to look him in the face, Jake is shocked --- shocked! -- to see that the bomber is just a kid! A kid, I tells ya! What could have happened to make this kid want to bomb a subway at rush hour? What went wrong? With America?
A few establishing shots of D.C. flash by, and we land in the NSA. Leader of the Pack walks briskly down the hall and asks The Man and Jake for a status report. She gets one: The canisters were full of ricin gas, which "would have liquefied the place in seconds. Hundreds could have died, just like Tokyo all over again." I just said that! Jake is perplexed that the bomber is "just a kid" who "doesn't fit the profile." Why would a kid do that? "Because," says a silver-haired foxy older guy with a commanding presence, "it's all he knows." Hey, who's that guy? The Man looks like he's met the hotter Wilford Brimley before. Jake listens with his mouth slightly parted. What a wonderful way to listen. Silver Fox says that all the intel of the day points to Ethan Fulton's militia. Fulton is a dangerous white guy, the worst kind. And I really hate white guys! Just kidding. But they get away with murder. And Enron. And stealing elections. I'm really just paraphrasing Michael Moore's book, Stupid White Men, which everyone should read. Anyway, Fulton's wife, a former FBI agent, was killed in a Waco-esque hail of bullets, and Fulton wants revenge on the government for her death. Jake is all, "Who's that guy?" Silver Fox is Leader of the Pack's boss. Jake is all, "Lou has a boss?" She does. The Man barely perceptibly rolls his eyes at Jake. Silver Fox continues that the NSA hasn't been able to ID many of Fulton's group (another thing that sucks about white men -- you can't racially profile them!), and they've been responsible for six domestic terrorism attacks, "including the near-miss on the Supreme Court in April." The Metro arrest is a big break. All props go to Jake Foley for the bust. Jake glows and gloats to The Man. The Man hisses that he heard. Silver Fox asks to be kept posted on the interrogation of Kid Suspect, and is on his way, ignoring Jake's little show of toadying ("Nice to meet you...sir?"). Leader of the Pack tells everyone in the War Room to watch their backs. Yes, ma'am.
Jake arrives home at his apartment door to find it ajar. Oh, shit. The music gets very tense and pulse-y. Mee mee mee mee meee! Jake hears dishes clinking in the kitchen, leaps in and tackles the shadowy figure there. "Dude! Chill!" It's only Jake's little brother. "Jerry? I could have killed you!" Jerry says, "Yeah, right!" Yeah, actually. Little brah. Jerry dropped in unannounced to visit the nation's capital, because he heard that "downtown's stripalicious." Oh yeah, it's titty-tastic. Pastie-rageous. Boobs. He waves a sandwich at Jake and exits, leaving Jake to stand there open-mouthed like a fish. An adorable fish, to be sure.
Credits. Jake's life just got reeeal interesting.
Jake and Jerry make their way through a crowded bar. Some awesome rock music starts up. The riff sounds like "Can't Explain," but the vocals sound like the Ravonettes. The brothers snag a table, and Jerry hollers to the waitress, "Can we get some servicio, por pa-please?" Jake cringes. So, why isn't Jerry in school? And do the p-rents know he's here? Well, school got taxing -- classes every Tuesday and Thursday -- and the 'rents are on a need-to-know basis. Oh, and how did Jake get that cut on his arm? Uh, work-related accident. "Motherboard cut?" Heh, not. The waitress comes over for some "servicio," and totally shoots down Jerry's request for "a pitcher of draft." Jake orders two Red Bulls instead. Jerry suggests they "shotgun" the Red Bulls and head out to Tittytown for a glimpse of the promised land, a.k.a. real live women. Jake can't -- work tomorrow. Jerry can't wait. And oh, Jake won't even know he's there.
Cut to Jake trying to sleep, and being woken up by Jerry's kitchen mishaps. Does Jake know where the fire extinguisher is? Pronto? Jake leaps out of bed, does a winning pratfall, and runs into the kitchen frantically.
Morning in the NSA. Jake pedals really really fast on a stationary bike as Dr. Thora clocks his vitals. Yup, he's still sexy. Okay, he's done. Has he had any headaches since she, um, "rebooted the nanites?" Jake pauses, still panting from the biking, and says languorously, "Since you saved my life?" Um, yeah, that. No, he's been fine. "Any recent glitches, complications, abnormalities?" Besides Jake's little brother coming to town? Nah. Just the little bother of the little brother. Jake says Jerry is "a lot immature," and when he was Jerry's age, he worked two part-time jobs and took sixteen credits at Georgetown. Dr. Thora whistles appreciatively and asks if he "had to walk six miles in the snow, too." Yeah, uphill, too! Both ways! ["And he fought off bears with his loose-leaf notebook!" -- Sars] Jake laments his little brother's general lack of focus. He's a screw-up! Yeah, but who isn't at 19? Jake rushes off, and Dr. Thora says after him, "Stop in anytime."
Leader of the Pack addresses the War Room crew. Fulton's militia is dangerous -- check -- and the capture of Fulton's son Kid Suspect is going to piss him off majorly. Check. A very sexy CK/Gap-esque mug shot of Kid Suspect fills the screen of the War Room. Every bomber in a dark-rinse denim jacket and black hoodie! Or, try Bomber, by Calvin Klein. Available at Macy's in a plain brown wrapper. Jake is all, can I talk to the kid bomber? Because he's all young and therefore I can better relate to him than you, you old dinosaur, ma'am? Leader walks away, and Jake babbles to The Man, "Not that you're old, or anything. You look...great." The Man is all, "Quit while you're ahead," but Leader chimes in, "See what you can do." Jake hurries off, pleased.
Somewhere in a spooky, spooky, blue-toned garage, a man leaves his busted-out engine with an affable mechanic named Jimmy. When the customer leaves, the mechanic takes a huge rifle off a shelf and asks another grease monkey how he let his son walk into an NSA trap. Grease Monkey doesn't know, and gets shot in the head at close range for his ignorance. Yikes!
In another fun Plexiglas hamster habitat/NSA holding pen (hey, where's Jake's nemesis, the Death Owl, a.k.a. Hacker?), Jake tries to break the ice with Kid Suspect. Jake compliments him on his speed and says he "thought he was chasing Emmitt Smith" in the Metro tunnel. He rattles off Kid Suspect's high school football stats and still gets no reaction, except that KS suggests he try the rookie setting on PlayStation, since "it's easier." Jake shows KS graphic photos of kids who were killed by ricin gas. KS seems a little disturbed. Jake says, "It's not too late, you can change your life. I can help." KS wants to know how. Jake says, "Tell us where your father is." KS would "rather die" than betray his father. Well, then.
Jake comes home to the sounds of very loud rock and roll. Hooray! But he isn't thrilled to see the walls shaking, and Jerry rocking out whilst gabbing on the phone and inviting some chica over for "pasta a la Jerry." Jake turns down the stereo and asks a little bitterly, "You met a girl already?" Not really. She's one of Jake's -- Sarah. She's coming over. Whaaat? And this leads us to this week's installment of Tales From Alex's Harem. For those of you just joining us in the story, I'm dating around a lot. This Halloween, I went dressed as a late '70s-early '80s-era Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, along with two other girlfriends, Camille and Honey. It was pretty out of hand, I was having a blast. Our cheers included "Get the ball, y'all, get the ball!" and the ever popular "Be! Aggressive! B-E aggressive!" One guy dressed as Fire answered my phone when I was away from the couch. When I returned, Fire said, "Some guy called, I told him you were here." Um, thanks, and who might that have been? Fire couldn't say. This is where having a harem gets a little tricky. So, one dude showed up in a massive sombrero and spangle-y jacket, and another dude showed up in tails and white tie. Fortunately, they met and shook hands and retreated to separate corners of the party -- nothing got all eye of the tiger or anything. I was stressed, but everyone involved was cool and gentlemanly, and for that I'm grateful. Having two dashing-looking dudes there for me was incredibly flattering, but having to choose between them? Not easy. The big question for me this week is, do I add a third guy to the mix? Or do I choose just one? Only time will tell. Tune in week for more Tales From Alex's Harem.
Anyway, Jake loses his shit a little bit when he learns Jerry was pimping for him. Jerry sees Jake's scaredy cat reaction to the news that a g-g-g-girl is coming over to his place for dinner, and asks, "Bowser? Fat?" Sarah is BEYOOTIFUL, you little punk! And intelligent! Jake actually wags his finger at Jerry, who just asks, "So?" Jake is all, "So? It's complicated!" Jake has no game, and that's "complicated." No, complicated is juggling two guys at a party while making sure each one has fun, without pissing the other one off. With a smile on your face. Wearing a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outfit. In white vinyl high-heeled boots. Try that trick, Jake. Jerry, his work done, asks Jake to be quiet so he can "catch a nap before Smackdown!." Ha ha. You are watching UPN.
Back in the creepy militia garage, Fulton wants Jake captured and brought to him, so he can kill him himself. Yes, sir, militia guy, sir!
Jerry brings out three plates, piled high with suspicious-looking pasta. Jake hisses to Sarah, "Do not. Eat. The food." Sarah eyes the stuff and asks, "What's in it?" Jerry says, "Pasta, Vietnamese hot sauce, and select spices. It's a dorm room classic." Hey, I put Sriracha in lots of stuff -- it's very good. But Jerry's pasta looks like dog food. After a round of embarrassing nicknames -- "Wedgie" for Jake, "Humper" for Jerry -- the dinner party is underway.
We follow the satellite down to the busy War Room. They've picked up some chatter --something's going down. The Man says to get the best code-breakers on it to figure out the Militia's plan. Got it.
It's still Pasta a la Jerry time. We see three plates -- one is clean, and two are still full of disgusting-looking pasta. Jerry is telling tales about Jake. First there was the time he dressed up in full Gene Simmons regalia because he thought there was a costume party, then there's the totally made-up story about Jake taking the fall for Jerry's lost bike and getting grounded for three weeks. Sarah loves that story, then excuses herself. Jake is all, "That never happened!" Jerry doesn't care. And he excuses himself to leave the apartment. Jake is all, what are you doing? In Jerry's vernacular, he's "clearing the runway...you can't land a plane when your little brother is sleeping on the airstrip." He takes Jake's wallet, complete with cash and ID, and is out of there. When Sarah returns, Jake holds up the still-full plates and asks her, "Pizza?" She says yeah.
Leader of the Pack walks toward the Plexiglas habitat that holds Kid Suspect. This a very visually stylish moment; there's a split four-screen, first of Kid Suspect huddled in his see-through cell, then Leader with a blanket in her arms coming his way. Finally she walks inside his cell and tosses the blanket at his feet and says she thought he might be cold. He doesn't take the blanket and parrots again that he's "prepared to die for [his] cause." She asks if his "Daddy taught him that. How many people have to die before you realize that your mother is never coming back?" A single tear rolls down Kid Suspect's face, and he looks at Leader's left hand. He says, "I take it you're not married. Got any kids?" She says it's none of his business. He says in her world, her job comes first. In his, it's family and loyalty to his blood. He says he feels sorry for her, and she says, "The feeling is mutual, kid."
Jerry walks into a Georgetown bar with his brother's wallet and orders a scotch, neat. "The brown kind!" A cute girlie with a teeny nose stud peeks at his wallet and sees Jake's NSA ID card. She asks if he's a secret agent. One bar tab later, and Jerry has the whole bar enthralled with his totally made-up stories about catching his homies from the Academy in lies ("I looked into his dark, scared eyes and asked, 'Are you? A double! AGENT!'"). What an idiot, shooting his mouth off like that. Oh look, a round of tequila shots on Agent Foley! Fo-ley! Fo-ley!
The militia tracks Jake's credit card use and tracks him to the bar. Get him. NOW.
Sarah and Jake chow down on pizza and listen to some coffee shop rock ("Make this little dream come true-ooo-hoooo!"). Jake says Jerry made up that bicycle story because he was "just trying to help." Sarah is all, "Help with what?" With getting Jake laid, duh. Sarah says, "I don't need any more reasons to like you, Jake." Jake munches his pizza and looks at her.
Jerry, still playing to a wide audience, holds the soda gun and demonstrates his favorite gun-holding position -- sideways, "made popular by rappers and drug dealers. It's just plain cooler-looking, am I right, people?" Militia thugs are in the bar with him.
Sarah says Jake has a little dab of pizza right...there. She'll get it, and leans in for a kiss. Woo hoo! Jake's getting some! But it's Sarah, so there's a touch of meh to that woo hoo. For me, anyway. I like Dr. Thora. The phone rings. It's Jerry. He's in big trouble. And he's a cock-block.
When we come back from commercial, we see D.C. cops writing up a ticket for Jake and for Jerry. Jerry rammed a police car with Jake's car, and tried to use his ID, and told the cops he was NSA and should be let off for professional courtesy. Jake is furious, and thinks it's time for Jerry to go back to school. Jerry can't. He dropped out. A friend of his is "making 10K a month with a webcam and a girls' volleyball team!" Jake is beside himself. Jerry doesn't get it. "Because I want to do something with my life?" Internet porn may be a moneymaker, but is it really "doing something with your life"? All those trips to the bank must be fulfilling. Jake yells that Jerry wants to "avoid doing anything with [his] life." Jerry says he doesn't need "some nerd who sits at a computer all day" coming down on him like this. Jake says he doesn't need Jerry ruining his apartment and stealing his stuff. Jerry stalks off down the sidewalk, and Jake rips the handle off his car door in a nanite-fueled hissyfit. Halfway down the sidewalk, the militia guys see Jerry. Uh oh. Are you guys gonna kidnap him or something? Because we're forty minutes in already.
Jake cleans up Jerry's mess, alone, alone. He sweeps up nasty floor pasta with a look of regret. He picks up CDs with a look of melancholy, until he sees a melted popsicle fusing a few together in a sticky mess. Then he looks outraged again. P.S.: You didn't get laid, Jake.
Back at the NSA, The Man tells Leader of the Pack that Jake is the militia's target. We know! Finally, Jerry gets beat up and kidnapped by the militia thugs. Leader calls Jake and tells him to come in right away.
Jerry's in the spooky militia garage. Fulton punches him in the gut and says, "You took my son away from me, Foley! And you need to know that that was a mistake!" Jerry gets brutally beaten as Fulton rants about family and how Jake will pay for what he did. Jerry collapses on the floor with blood on his lip and gasps, "I'm...not...Jake."
Fulton takes a militia thug aside and shows him Jerry's real ID. The thug is upset, almost girlishly so. "Oh...god! He was spouting off at the bar!" He takes out his gun and slides it across a desk to Fulton. "I failed you." Fulton looks at the gun, then back at the thug. He passes the gun back across the desk and says Thug didn't fail. "You might have saved my son's life."
War Room. Jake walks in and asks what's going on. Welll...your little brother has been captured. Kidnapped. And the militia wants an exchange -- Kid Suspect for Jerry. They have one hour to release Kid Suspect, or Jerry's dead. Jake starts to stammer at breakneck speed. Leader says grimly, "The NSA does not negotiate with terrorists." Silver Fox says strongly, "We do not. Negotiate. I'm very sorry." Jake says, "We have to help him!" Aww!
Leader walks down the hall with Jake on her like white on Wonder Bread. He has to do something! Jerry needed him and he wasn't there! Leader repeats the party line: The NSA doesn't negotiate with terrorists. Leader says, "I can't go down to Kid Suspect's cell and let him out. I. Can't do that. You've got ten minutes." Jake takes off.
At the militia garage, a thug tells Jerry he's about to find out how much his brother loves him. "He's got twenty-five minutes." But Jake has ten? Oh, whatever. We're fifty minutes into the episode, so WE have ten minutes, give or take a commercial break, an epilogue, and scenes from week.
Using the Mee Mee Mee Mee Mee! power, Jake sends the security guard on a goose chase, overrides the security code on the Plexiglas habitat, and springs Kid Suspect. He makes all the security cameras turn away their lenses and takes the stairs. They make it into his car, and Jake tosses Kid Suspect a cell phone and says if he ever wants to see his father again, he'll call him, NOW. KS dials.
The Silver Fox steps into Leader of the Pack's office and asks what she knows about Kid Suspect's breakout from "our supposedly secure lockdown." Leader says she's aware, and on top of it. Silver Fox is cool with that.
Jake rushes into the militia garage, and swaps Kid Suspect for Jerry. Wow, that was like a four-minute-long kidnapping. The other militia thugs appear to be packing up their cache of weapons and moving on. It's what militias do, says Fulton. Jake asks why Fulton doesn't let his son have a life. Fulton says his life is here, with his family. Jake goes to leave, then overhears (thanks, nanites) the SWAT team outside. A boom-boom-boom shoot-out follows. The smoke hasn't even cleared when The Man comes in asking to see everyone's hands. Leader is there too, looking over The Man's shoulder. Kid Suspect doesn't make it -- he's killed. Fulton cradles him and moans, "No." Yes. Jake holds the beaten and bloody Jerry and gives his team a weary thumbs-up.
Silver Fox makes a nice little exposition speech to Leader of the Pack. "We captured a militia yesterday! However. I have people very high up I have to answer to. What am I supposed to tell them about our policy about never negotiating with terrorists?" Leader stands up and says, "Tell them we didn't." Silver Fox says, "God almighty...you got bigger ones than I do." She says, "Thank you, sir." I love this fucking show!
Jerry packs his things. Jake watches wistfully. Jerry's gonna re-enroll in school ("Me and the chick in the admissions office? We're like this."), and tell the 'rents that he came down to visit Jake so he could look at Georgetown and form a plan post-junior college. The brothers hug, until Jerry says, "Enough of the Gilmore Girls." Heh! Oh, and what does Jake do at the NSA? He'd tell Jerry, but then he'd have to kill him. Jerry makes a whuh? face, and we're out.