Previously on Jake 2.0: Dr. Thora explains how nanites are the coolest new thing in technology. Jake's old roommate, Grunge Slacker, is agog at the fact that Jake got the digits of his college crush, Sarah (a.k.a. the one he never scored with). In a laboratory shoot-out, Jake becomes infected with nanites, and they align along his central nervous system. Dr. Thora explains that in some cases, the lab mice reject the nanites and get ill, or even die. Jake looks at her, cocks his scruffy head, and asks what's going to happen to him. She does not take him in her arms and smother his face between her breasts, though she probably should.
We open with the shot of the satellite orbiting earth, then the POV falls through the atmosphere and eventually down to street level -- specifically, a laboratory. A mysterious male voice speaks innocuous phrases in Italian. A door opens to reveal Dr. Thora, repeating the phrases. She's learning Italian! How very cool. And she eats chicken. I'd peg her as a vegetarian, but lots of cool people still eat meat. This recap has been brought to you buy the Sausage Council of America, underwritten by Mmm...Quail! and the Pork Chop Summit West. Dr. Thora, wearing an excellent Asian-y satin jacket, greets her fleet of lab mice, all of whom have Italian names. How very Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle of her. She's really dating herself. Okay. Dr. Thora may eat meat, but I'm betting she had an E.T. lunch box in her lifetime. Anyway, mouse Antonio is not doing too well. He seems to be paralyzed right by his water dropper. The music gets upwards of 120 BPM as Dr. Thora panics, then makes a mad dash for her purse and her PDA that monitors Jake's body functions. It seems stalled, motionless, much like Antonio the mouse. She dials his phone number, and it's busy. She drops everything, moans "Oh, god!" and runs.
We arrive at Jake's apartment, where he's slumped on the couch, motionless. The camera pans outside -- damn, his neighborhood is ghetto. Who knew Vancouver even had shacks? Kudos to the scout who found that trashy-looking lean-to. I virtually smelled D.C., which is a composite of burnt goat meat, stale malt liquor, and that hot wind which wafts off Capitol Hill. Outside, we see a government-issued vehicle screech across a meridian and land just outside Jake's apartment. Like an American-made clown car, Dr. Thora, The Man, and another lackey spill out. Back inside, Jake is still. Too still. Dr. Thora, The Man, and the other lackey burst in, guns drawn, and Jake is startled to consciousness. "What? What are you doing?" Dr. Thora pants as she explains that his vitals looked...oh. Her screen was just frozen. Her bad! Jake collapses back onto his couch, whimpering like a man who has lost all semblance of privacy, including the simple pleasure of an afternoon nap. Poor Jake. Maybe if I rubbed your face between my boobs, it would help?
Credits. Jake's life just got reeeal interesting.
It's a beautiful day in Washington. Nothing but blue skies. Inside the NSA, things are less cheerful. Dr. Thora stares at her almost-dead mouse, Antonio, and asks her tech to run another diagnostic. A very tiny diagnostic. A wafer-thin diagnostic. Leader of the Pack strides in, not amused. Dr. Thora explains that the frozen screen was indeed her bad, but there's a larger problem. See Antonio, motionless? Well, he's exhibiting side effects from beta versions of the nanite tests, but never in these newer versions. In fact, Antonio and Jake are "twins." Leader of the Pack says, "Twins?" She does not go on to say anything at all about football on TV, or shots of Gina Lee. For this, I am grateful. Anyway, since Antonio and Jake "were injected on the same day," Dr. Thora is "concerned." Leader of the Pack asks if Jake is exhibiting any symptoms. Well, no, but...Leader says, "If he is, I need to know about it. I mean it. I don't want him to be a risk out in the field. Keep an eye on him." Dr. Thora says, "That won't be easy." Why not?
Cut to the War Room, where Jake talks on a headset phone to the crush you love to hate, Sarah. He keys in some information, and learns that he and Sarah are on the exact same flight. Oh, goody, now Sarah can reject Jake in the air. I can hear it now: "Coffee, tea, or me? Just kidding, never in a million years. Hey, remember that time we got drunk in college? Oh. ha ha, I'm so boring now. Boring, and I'll never sleep with you! Not ever! Now get up, I need to go to the bathroom again." Oh, and she and Jake are staying at the same lodge! How about they share a ride to the airport? Super. Leader comes up and is all, Jake, a word? She hauls him away like she's clearing lint from a dryer. He flies through the hallway like a paper airplane after her.
In Leader's office, Jake sputters that he put in a request for this weekend off three weeks ago. She says he has half a billion dollars worth of technology inside him that others would love to get their hands on, so he's at risk. He says, "It's a wedding." She snaps, "You're still at risk." He says, "From what, drunken bridesmaids?" Jake? Don't ever joke about the dangers of drunken bridesmaids. The combination of ugly taffeta and excessive alcohol makes for a pack of angry women. You could get hurt! He complains that he "woke up this morning with guns in [his] face." His reading is just like the nice dentist Dr. Sheldon (Alan Arkin, don't you know) from the original The In-Laws, when he says, "There are flames on my car. There are flames on my car!" Jake wonders what's : "Chaperones on dates? Permission to go potty?" Permission granted, poopy-pants. Then he turns on the charm: His friend is getting married. He's the best man. All he wants is two days. Please! Leader of the Pack looks at him stonily, then caves faster than a lawn chair under a fat man on a wet lawn.
Jake, in his ratty brown jacket and orange shirt, paces the sidewalk and practices his opening line to Sarah. Hey, it's great we got to share a ride together! I like you. Hey, Sarah, hey, maybe we could go out sometime! God, he's so cute. If this show were more popular, and it got lampooned on SNL, Jimmy Fallon would have no trouble playing Jake. But in my dreams, the show becomes a hit and Chris Gorham gets to host in 2004. And then, the babies start coming. The car pulls up, and Sarah leaps out and apologizes for being late. Jake throws his bag in the trunk and says his line about how great it is that their friends are getting married, and...well, they have all day to talk. He gets in the backseat, and there's some guy already there. Alex is his name. Hey, that's my name! Shout-out? Maybe. But I'm a woman, man. Jake's all, hey. Sarah introduces them, then asks him to scoot out so she can sit in the middle, then clasps both their knees and says, "This weekend is going to be so much fun!" Sarah sucks, pass it on.
Hey, they're in Seattle! One of my favorite cities in the U.S. I was so deeply bummed when I got a rejection letter from the Seattle Times, one of the few independently owned newspapers in America. Working for corporate-owned media is not as much fun as the alternative -- another reason I thank god for my job here at TWoP. TelevisionWithoutPity.com: Still independently-owned (since 1999, sucka), still cool, and woo hoo, I just got a raise! Whereas the two corporate-owned dailies in Philly I work for keep eliminating content, jobs, and their freelance budget. Yikes. Anyway, Seattle is great. To the strains of some coffee shop rock/fake Dave Matthews (Jason Mraz, maybe? I hate coffee shop rock), Jake strolls out of a massive mansion and surveys the gathering of wedding guests. He smiles -- I bet he feels free to be among strangers, away from work, and his chances of getting laid are better than average. Weddings are great places to score. I should know; my mom's been married four times, and I've attended three of them. But this isn't Tales From My Mom's Harem, oh no, can you see where I'm going? It's Tales From Alex's Harem. This week, I'll tell a recent adventure.
How recent? Last Wednesday. HBO, a little channel on cable you may have heard about, had a party in my hometown of Philadelphia to launch their On Demand service. Thank godfully, they had it at one of the swankier joints in town, Buddakan, and the booze was incredibly free-flowing. I brought one my high-ranking harem members, Funhouse, along. Boy, does he clean up good. It was a party filled with swells. Cynthia Nixon, Lorraine Bracco, members of the Sixers, and Senator Vince Fumo were all there. But Funhouse and I had one goal. Well, maybe two. To look fucking hot, and to drink a lot of free booze. We were nicely dressed; now for the drinks. As Funhouse whispered dirty-sweet somethings into my ear, I plied him with dirty Pravda martinis and guzzled champagne with Pimms. Then, I had a bad idea. Tequila. I mean, it was an all-the-way-open bar. The place is high class. Ourselves, not so much. We chased shots of tequila with Sapporo. By the end of the evening, we were snuggled on a banquette, eating chocolate petit fours Funhouse called "glorified Little Debbie's." It was all we could do to keep our hands off each other. I don't think we succeeded. Then I stupidly gave my card to someone who wanted to audition for my harem, and he called me three times in 48 hours. I'm not calling that guy back -- too Swingers for my tastes. Afterwards, Funhouse and I went to Bob and Barbara's, where I teetered around on my vintage YSL patent leather open-toe stilettos and don't remember much -- just that I was smashed, baby. Smashed with a hot guy on my arm. I love having a harem. I love an open bar. And that night will go down as One of the Drunkest Fun Times Ever, as will my night when I saw Iggy and the Stooges at Roseland and we started and finished at Russian Samovar.
Back to work, back to the action on screen. Jake's surveying the collection of cleanly-dressed wedding guests. And there's the groom! He and Jake hug, and Groom busts on Jake's "ratty jacket." Jake says he "can't believe [Groom] is still losing [his] hair." Hey! No hitting below the belt at a wedding! Groom can't believe his time has come, he thought he'd be the last to go. Jake says no, that would be him. He asks if he's the only single person there. Groom says, "Didn't you come with Sarah?" Yeah, but then there's that cock-block, Alex. God, I hate that guy!
At the lab, Dr. Thora asks her cute tech to come to her immediately if there are any questions about Antonio the mouse or Jake, the hot super-spy. Mmmkay? Cool.
Jake tales another look around at the wedding guests and says to himself, "Yup! Having fun!" Then he sees some guy lurking by the food table, and the music turns faintly ominous. Oh, leave your work at home, Jake. This is a party! Jen, the bride, comes up and says hi to Jake. Jake says she looks "way too beautiful" for Groom, and she says, "Geeks turn me on." Me too. I'm hot for nerds. I have a nerd-shaped punch I use to make holes in my belt. The happy couple asks about Jake's toast, and he taps his chest and says that "it's all in here." Let it out, baby. Jake asks who that guy is lurking by the food table, and Groom says it's probably his cousin Phil. "He's a really weird guy. He's single!" Jake is all, "Jerk."
Jake takes his seat at the table, and the name card reveals that he'll be sitting to a "Sam." Jake moans, "Ah, great," but Sam is actually a hot chick! They meet cute and chat, and then Sam's girlfriend approaches. Yes, Jake is the meat in the two-hot-lesbians sandwich.
Jake goes up to his room, then overhears Sarah and Alex having a laugh in the hall. He rolls his eyes, then goes into his room and uses his super-hearing to eavesdrop some more. He hears Sarah giggling and saying, "Alex! Oh, that tickles! Oh, ah, that's perfect." Jake beats himself up. Well, you snooze, you lose, honey. Did you ever mail that letter we saw you writing? Is it really that hard to tell someone how you feel? Go knock on her door and tell her right now! This is your Dating Tip of the Day from me, a Fierce Woman. It's a two-parter: A) don't wait too long, and B) say what you feel. As Jake slumps on his hotel bed, the phone rings. It's Dr. Thora. She saw some nanite activity on her PDA. He whines like a little kid who sees his mom at the mall when he's hanging out with all his frieeends. Then he tells her he's "frustrated" because all his friends are moving on with their lives and getting married and he's "going nowhere." Dr. Thora knows his symptoms, and has a diagnosis. "Single syndrome." He asks if it's "fatal." No, just "mildly depressing. Just try and get some sleep, okay?" Jake thanks her. She says no problem, but when she puts down the phone we see Antonio in a plastic bag, complete with biohazard stickers. Oh, Antonio! He's dead! What does this mean for Jake?
It means that when he wakes up in the morning in Seattle, Dr. Thora is there, knocking at his hotel door. Uh, hi! Jake is surprised to see her. She says she's volunteering to be his date --well, "as a friend posing as a date." She "had all these frequent flier miles, and always wanted to see Seattle. You're buying breakfast!"
Over coffee, Dr. Thora explains the humiliating wedding ritual that is the bouquet toss. It highlights the desperation single women sometimes feel, she says, and for a short girl like her? Do you think she even has a chance? Jake chuckles gallantly. Their breakfast arrives, and Jake says he doesn't think he can eat. Dr. Thora gets upset and whips out her PDA. He hisses, "Put that away! It's the wedding toast." Jake gets butterflies every time he has to speak in public. "They want a train wreck, and I'll give it to them." Then Groom comes up and whisks Jake away to one last bachelor-themed version of...paintball?
Yup. Paintball. In my mind, nothing can top the gay paintball games that happened on Six Feet Under last season. Now that was great. Jake gets picked last, overlooked for some gruff, scruffy teenage kid named "Spider," even. Groom makes a little speech highlighting safety. Jake shoots himself in the foot and asks, "Does that count?" Everyone laughs. Jake and the Mysterious Food Table Guy make eyes at each other, lower their helmets, and are off.
Dr. Thora calls the office. No news on Antonio. And Jake is fine; she feels "silly" for having worried. Her Cute Tech says it's good that Dr. Thora went -- until a buxom woman in an aqua top corrals her for the "day of beauty" activity on the Lido Deck. Dr. Thora insists that this "is not [her] thing," but Busty says that "looking glamorous is every woman's thing." Don't forget the metrosexuals! Dr. Thora "oohs!" as her kanji-tattooed feet are dunked into a whirlpool bath. Sip the Cristall, Dr. Thora. Life just got reeeeal interesting for you.
War games. Jake blunders though mud puddles, then takes a break behind a tree to have some water. Kid Spider shoots at him. Jake uses his mee mee mee mee mee! abilities to overhear their strategy, then shoots Spider and his teammate in seconds. Jake hollers, "That was easy!" Then trots off to kill again. You go, honey.
Dr. Thora is loving her first pedicure. Sarah plops down to her and asks if she's enjoying the luxuriousness. Dr. Thora is a "mani-pedi virgin." She "always thought they were a big waste of time, now [she] realizes that that's the point." The women introduce themselves, and Dr. Thora blanches when she realizes that Sarah is the Sarah. She whips her hand out of its water bath, and it spatters all over the blonde you love to hate. Sarah is all, Jake brought a date? He didn't say so when we rode to the airport. Jake's mentioned me before? You're a doctor? A doctor at the NSA? Oh. How impressive. Sarah skitters off to the hairdo table. Dr. Thora can see that Sarah is a little jealous, but is still mortified she met Sarah this way.
The war games are blazing. Jake hides behind a tree, and Mysterious Food Table Guy shows up. "Oh, Jaaa-aaake." Kablam -- he blasts into a tree. Jake says he should turn his pressure down, as he could hurt somebody. MFTG says, "Exactly." And the hunt is on. It's all very The Fugitive, with pounding music and running though the woods. Finally, Jake gets to employ his nanites. They go mee mee mee mee mee as he leaps an orange barrier to safety. Whew. And what's with that Mysterious Food Table Guy? Is he out to kill Jake or what?
Back at the ersatz beauty salon, Dr. Thora is stunned at the transformation Sarah has undergone. One simple updo, and everything's in slo-mo. Coffee shop rock highlights Sarah's Crest Whitestrips smile, and Busty hugs her to congratulate her on such pretty hair. Dr. Thora gulps resolutely, then walks toward the mirror for a look at herself. stop, hairdo table. She says, "I'm all yours." Make her pretty!
As the war games come to a conclusion, Jake complains to Groom that his cousin is out of his mind. Groom is all, "Yeah?" Well, he was trying to hurt Jake out there? Groom is all, "With paint balls?" The other teammates cackle. Then Jake sees that who Groom's cousin isn't who he thought he was -- he's some other guy. So, who was that guy in the woods, shooting at Jake?
Back at the hotel, Jake chases down Mysterious Food Table Guy. "Nothing like a good hunt. How'd you make that jump?" Jake says it was a lot lower than it looked. And he didn't catch Mysterious Food Table Guy's name? MFTG hollers cheerily, "See you at the wedding!" Jake takes note of his room number -- 214 -- and leaves.
It's almost that time to say the vows, and Jake is nowhere to be seen. Groom is freaking out, but Jake's just checking out the scene in 214. There's an obsessive collage of All Things Jake on the walls -- photos, his home address, a photo of him with crosshairs trained on his face. Very fanatic, very Bird on a Wire. Where's the copy of Catcher in the Rye? Leader's words about how people want to get at Jake and his technology echo in his ears. Jake sees his fingerprints on a sheet of paper -- the red lettering screams, "EXTRACT NANITES" and "HOST EXPENDABLE." Leader echoes, "You are still at risk! It's for your own safety!" Jake looks woozy and a little terrified.
Jake tries to call the NSA ("Alpha Charley Tingler 4779!"), then gets sidetracked by the busty mother of the bride. So he runs over to the concierge, who couldn't care less that the guest in Room 214 is trying to kill Jake. Groom dashes up and is all, "Dude? We're all waiting on you. I'm freaking out here, dude. Dude! I really need you." Jake goes off to help his friend and says over his shoulder to call the police, now.
Jake escorts Sarah down the aisle. She whispers to him that she met Dr. Thora, and she's "interesting," and that "Jake is good at keeping a secret." I wouldn't have said that a few weeks ago when Jake blabbed to her that he was an agent for the NSA, but hey, we're on the sixth episode now, and our boy is growing up. Dr. Thora, complete with Audrey Hepburn updo and a lovely one-shoulder black dress, looks GORGEOUS. Jake scans the rest of the guests for Mysterious Food Table Guy, and lo, there he is.
As Groom and Bride exchange vows, Jake looks around nervously. There's Mysterious Food Table Guy, lurking in the bushes! Jake pants and sweats and shuffles in place like Ozzy. Everyone shoots him looks. Dr. Thora takes a call from her tech and stresses that she should not tell Leader where she is. Finally, the minister pronounces Bride and Groom man and wife, and Jake takes off running down the aisle, in search of Mysterious Food Table Guy.
On the lawn, Jake runs and stalks and looks generally disheveled. The camera gets all tilty and strange. Jake's face is wet with perspiration. We zoom into his ear, where it looks like the nanites are biting him. He winces. His vision blurs. He stumbles behind a tree, and who should appear but Mysterious Food Table Guy. He says there was "poison" in Jake's water bottle, since he looked "thirsty. It starts with the eyes and the ears. Soon there'll be nothing left." Jake is on his knees, panting heavily. Mysterious Food Table Guy leans in and says, "Not even the nanites can help you." Jake takes a desperate swing at him, but he easily ducks Jake's punch. "There's no use in fighting it. You're already dead."
Dr. Thora talks to her cute tech on the phone. Antonio had a massive cluster of nanites on his frontal lobe. Dr. Thora runs off, muttering, "No...no!"
Jake runs hysterically into the hotel. Dr. Thora walks into his room, which is crawling with security. Why? He was seen breaking into another room. Oh my.
Jake drags himself along a corridor using only his arms. His vision cuts in and out. He looks at a door, terrified, as it opens to reveal...Dr. Thora. She grabs his face in her hands and smothers it between her breasts to revive him. Just kidding. She grabs his face in her hands and says no one is after him, but the "nanites are killing him." He stammers, "What?"
Dr. Thora manages to drag/carry Jake to her room. He lies on the bed, a sweating, harried mess. She whips out her laptop and begins to work. He sees over her shoulder that Mysterious Food Table Guy is sitting smugly on a banquette. He tells her to look, but she doesn't see anyone. "It's the nanites, Jake. They're flooding your frontal lobe with electrical impulses and overloading your system, making you see things that are not there." Jake's vision is all crazy and diffused. Mysterious Food Table Guy says, "That's gotta be uncomfortable." Dr. Thora shows him footage from hotel security talking to no one in the hall, and breaking into an empty hotel room. Jake says, "I can't move. There's no more time. You gotta reboot." Dr. Thora says she can't, because the nanites are now fully integrated into his system. "If I shut you down, it will kill you." Jake says, "Maybe just for a second?" Dr. Thora isn't sure. He looks so weak and awful, though, that she caves. Over her shoulder, Jake sees Mysterious Food Table Guy hiss, "She can't save you, Jake." Downstairs, the wedding party rages on, without a best man or an awkward best man toast. Dr. Thora does her laptop reconfiguration thing, and Jake flatlines. The beeeeep is awfully loud, and goes on for a long time. Dr. Thora leaps on top of him and begins to perform CPR. It really looks like they're kissing, or doing it, or something like that. Two sweaty entwined bodies, oh my. She screams, "Jake," and pants and pumps away on top of him. The beeeeep still rings out, and she begins to cry. He's still flatlining. She grabs his hand and says she's sorry. He comes to with a violent jerk, his face white and pasty. She collapses on his neck with happiness. He says, "Who are you? I'm just kidding." Dr. Thora keeps holding his hand, but Jake lets a little smile play along his lips and says, "Please, I'm the best man. I have a toast to give." Mmmm...toast.
Wow, tents with chandeliers! And those teeny white Christmas lights! Classy. The reception is in full swing. Jake and Dr. Thora walk in together and then part ways. Dr. Thora calls Leader and says he's "fine. I overreacted as usual." See ya Monday! Jake takes center stage on the dance floor and clinks a champagne flute with a fork so firmly that the glass shatters. Everyone takes another laugh at good old geeky Jake, ha ha, so inept. Will he ever get laid? He launches into his toast: "Life is, ah, hard. You know?" Everyone chuckles, and a waiter brings him a fresh glass to toast with. Jake goes on about how hearts were won, and "we're lucky if we can find someone who's willing to stand by us, no matter what. It makes life easier." He means Dr. Thora. I'm kvelling! People aww appropriately. Sweet.
Sarah congratulates Jake on his toast. He asks where Alex is. She says he thinks he found someone more his type. A man. "Alex is gay," she says. "I just hate coming to these things alone. The closest Alex gets to me is a facial." Ha ha ha! So, Sarah is dateless. She says, not so subtly, "I think we're supposed to dance now." He says, "Yeah, Sarah, I think I need to dance with my date." And he WALKS AWAY. And DANCES WITH DR. THORA. And says, "I forgot to tell you something. You look beautiful." OH MY GOD!! I love that this is happening. I love this show. We fly back up through the clouds and back to the satellite orbiting above the earth.