We pan up from the steaming hood of a funky old Volvo that's all broken down by the side of the road. Jake stands nearby, in a coat and tie, hollering into his cell phone that he has to miss the important meeting since his car caught on fire. Yes, "flames of fire" were in his car. Oh, poor dear. This reminds me of the time, years ago, before cell phones or Friendster.com, when I met a b.f. for the first time. It was late at night, and a strange man ran toward me. The street was deserted, and I got very nervous. He asked me if I lived nearby, and I asked why. He pointed and said, "Because that car is on fire." I followed the direction his arm pointed toward, and saw that yes, a car was in fact on fire. We called the fire department and made sure they put out the flames. We dated for a little while. I still see him from time to time. It was a great way to meet someone. This concludes this week's installment of Tales From Alex's Harem; back to the show.
Jake can barely get reception on his "crappy phone," and after parroting the line from that damned commercial (we can ALL hear you now, good), finds a better spot for cell-phoning to a screaming red penis-mobile, a.k.a. a Porsche. A Porsche 355 Spider, to be exact. I only know this because Jake tells a woman who walks up to him and says, "Hi, nice car," the name and all the nerd spec details. You know, I watch All Things Rock on MTV every week, to see what "the kids" are "listening" to. I learn a lot from the hosts, Joel and Benji. One thing I've learned via their lyrics (they're in the band Good Charlotte, if you didn't know) is that "girls don't like boys/girls like cars and money." Which I guess those kids from Maryland found out firsthand, since they are huge now and must have loads of both cars and cash. And since Jake has said again and again that he got no play in college, it really surprises me that he lies to the digger and says yes, his red penis-mobile is really phat, and he'd looove to take her for a drive sometime. Of course, he knows how the engine was built and how the leather upholstery was stitched ("by hand!") and she's all, "What's not to like?" And also of course, the tow truck guy shows up and busts Jake's fake game by asking where he wants the battered, smoking Volvo to be towed to. "Straight to the junkyard?" Jake swivels around and sees that the girl has already walked off. She don't want no junker Volvo man! She wants -- nay, needs -- the man with the red penis-mobile. Jake then does a funny little frustrated Tae Bo-style dance, punching the air and grunting. He didn't know some girls were like that? Sigh. Come here, baby. I don't want no penis-mobile.
Establishing shots of D.C. flash by. Inside the grim, gray, blocky Federal Reserve, the usual tedium is shattered by dramatic music and a computer monitor that reveals a "secure transfer in progress." The Federal Reserve is being hacked into and robbed! For $2 million! The guards at the screen are flummoxed. Another suit stammers, "H-how? This is a secure system!" Because hackers are smart and can house you, dude. The four cyber-thugs have never met IRL, or "in real life" to you non-nerds reading along at home. They're going to rendezvous in Berlin, Germany. Leader of the Pack is amazed that the geek brigade would risk a meeting so soon after the robbery. Jake's mouth parts a little bit when she says she plans to send someone undercover to infiltrate the ring. They have all the background info on Hacker -- he got a PhD at fifteen, went to work for a software company, Banatech, then quit six months in after he accused them of stealing his ideas. He's been underground ever since. And probably more bitter, isolated, and paranoid to boot. Leader of the Pack is all, make a list of who is available to go over to Berlin, and Jake is all, "Uhhh...if ever an assignment screamed Agent Foley..." Leader of the Pack doesn't think so. "Agents train for years to do this kind of thing." Jake disagrees. "They aren't drug dealers, they aren't terrorists! They're nerds! They're nerds gone wild! These are my people." God, that's brilliant. It's the same reason I got so excited over a Turbonegro sticker, or why Keckler is obsessed with this show: Finding your people is rare. When it happens, you have to run toward it quickly. The question is, will Jake be lured away to run with the geeks that live outside of the law? We shall see.
The Man peppers Jake with spy technique and tips; don't dig for info, let it come to him, and if they start asking questions, walk away. Jake takes a wad of Euros and is all, "These are COOL!" Jake? Sorry, he's still paying attention. He knows where his safe houses are, and his cell phone that operates as a streaming video camera is for sending back images of the other hackers. And no weapons. Jake will be alone and unarmed. His only defense is knowing Hacker inside out. He has twelve hours to absorb every jot of information and "become him." Jake looks rightfully intimidated.
Back at Hacker's phat pad, Jake climbs the stairs and begins taking a look around. Some very cool rock music starts up -- I love the jangly guitars (sounds a little like Elastica), and when the vocals start up I nearly die because it sounds like Iggy Pop, and I just saw Iggy and the Stooges at Roseland. Best show I ever saw in my whole life. Iggy is the one sacred cow of music I get more excited about than anyone, even Lemmy or Ozzy, because he's still so dynamic and amazing today. Like, his duet with Peaches was pretty great. I can't see either Ozzy or Lemmy being that cool. Anyway, with the music playing that I love but can't identify, Jake takes an extended look around Hacker's apartment. There's the pair of Japanese racing bikes over there, the tight-fitting International Male shirts over here, the collection of books on spells and sorcery, a case holding Matrix-y sunglasses. Jake tries it all on, even though he wipes out on the stationary motorcycle. He's ready -- perhaps.
The Iggy-esque music plays on as Jake flies to and lands in Berlin. He strides out of the airport in a leather coat and metallic briefcase in slo-mo, confident, cocky, strutting like Iggy might. He whips off his sunglasses when two men in suits say, "German Intelligence, you're under arrest." Oh no!
Oh yes. Jake sits in a cell, fielding questions from das Germans. Jake sticks to his story -- he has no idea who Hacker is. The Germans stick to theirs; they know he robbed the U.S. Federal Reserve, and they want to know who his other three accomplices are. If he doesn't cooperate, der vill be das consequences. Do you hear me, Hooogannn? Jake notices a sleek-but-chunky modern watch on the arm of one of das Germans, and comments on it. Das German gets faintly rattled, then snaps zat ve are not here to talk about vatches. Jake does his mee mee mee mee mee! thing and super-hears that there's no one else in the building where he's being held. He says it's quiet, and what gives? Then a German aims a gun at him, and though he winces, he says he thought only James Bond used that model gun anymore. Das German says, "You think you're smart. You think you can outsmart a bullet?" Jake pauses, cocks his head, and says, "That's a line from RoboCop." A fun film, but I prefer Starship Troopers. Das Germans stare at him, then cackle and pound each other on the shoulders. "You've aced the loyalty test! I'm Bit, and this is Clue. Quick, who did you believe more?" Jake looks more than a little put off, but says affably, "Clearly you're both evil geniuses." The duo, Das Geeks, collapse into howls of laughter again. One hands him an envelope with fifty thousand Euros in it, from MacP. "The only caveat is, spend it all by dawn." Jake holds the fat envelope with a little fear.
Back at Hacker's Lucite cell, The Man sits on an office chair outside and stares. The reflection of Hacker in his white jumpsuit and ninja/Ked slippers looks cool. It's very Geek Scared Straight, except he's Really Plotting Everyone's Downfall, Starting With Jake, Sucka. Hacker asks if the staring is "some silent Zen torture." The Man asks if he understands that "the only way out is to cut a deal." Hacker wants to know what made The Man think he'd want to cut a deal. "Oh, I get it...you sent little Jakey to pose as me and you're scared he'll be exposed!" The Man takes his hand off his chin and looks at Hacker blankly. Hacker comments on his "terrible poker face." Then he says something in Latin, which means "he who is silent is understood to agree." The Man says, "It's people like you that [are the reason] I love the Patriot Act." Wow, I can't believe he said that! Hacker says that even if Jake fools the other cyber-thieves temporarily, he may not be able to resist the lure of all that cash and glamour. "I know I couldn't." The Man gets up and says something in Latin or Spanish and walks off without translating it for Hacker, or us. Hey, I need closure on that anecdote! Give a state-school grad a break!
Das Geeks and Jake go clubbing in Berlin. Jake is all, "Wow!" He gets online and tries to chat up some blondes, then realizes that Das Geeks have bribed the doormen and are already in the door. He recovers and follows them inside.
Someone on the boards knew the song playing in the club as they go in. It's pretty good, very danceable, naturally. The camera gets all wavy to simulate a drunk's POV. Very wavy, lots of trails. Jake weaves his way through the crowd, then finds the fourth member of their gang, MacP. He's weaselly and blond, a fuglier Seann William Scott. And who's this? A LADY hacker? A hot babe lady cyber-criminal? Who addresses Jake-posing-as-Hacker with a teasing, sexy familiarity? She says he's not what she expected. Jake asks what she did expect. She says, "Less," and walks off. Oof! She's quite a doll.
More drinks go down the gullets of the geek Legion of Doom. More blurry camera work. Jake is soused, and hollers for another round just as a new one arrives at the table, hiding that he's filming everyone with his phone. The geeks take turns going around the table and bitching about past jobs where they were mistreated or underappreciated. News flash: That doesn't happen only to geeks. It's a universal truth. And if everyone who had a piece-of-shit job sought revenge, there'd be no one but robbers around. There's tales of being canned for suspected of stealing Post-Its, sleeping on used futons trumped by a flea-infested couch, until Jake stupidly opens his mouth to reveal that he once had an IT job with two bosses that second-guess him, and getting a quote-unquote promotion which took away his overtime. The Babe is all, "That surprises me -- I can't see you as an IT." He quickly says he's "trying to forget it," then leads a toast to no more ties or cubicles "and to doing it on our own terms!"
Ve haff das Berlin clubbing dance montage. Das Geeks dance. MacP dances. The Babe dances. Jake dances with a blonde, then busts a funky move and drops his cell phone/camera. A Das Geek grabs it and notices the real-time data stream function. All the geeks gather round to check it out, and Jake panics. Then the geeks holler, "COOL!" and dance some more. Whew.
Back in the War Room, Dr. Thora, The Man, and Leader of the Pack watch the clubbing with a little distaste. As an answer to Leader's weary sigh of "What is he doing?" Dr.Thora guesses, "The slide? It's a popular dance, more of a grind really, in that district...not helping, I know." Wow, Dr. Thora knows the hot club dances in Berlin? Dr. Thora is the bomb. They examine the images sent via Jake's camera/phone and notice that Jake is in all of the photos. Why? They don't know. Oh, and how fast can German Intelligence raid the joint to bust the geeks for robbing the Federal Reserve? The Man thinks thirty minutes would be enough time. Leader of the Pack isn't so sure. She looks at the images of Jake downing shots and having way too good a time and says, "Alert the Germans. We're going in."
More drinks, more Berlin clubbing. Jake dances with a tall blonde, then notices The Babe hanging by herself over in a corner. He smiles. She walks up and whispers something to the blonde, who turns and leaves without a second look at Jake. The Babe and Jake dance, staring at each other until she hollers, "What?" Jake yells, "You're beautiful!" She stares at him like he said she had a booger showing. MacP weasels up and hollers, "This is it, he's here!" A beefy guy has arrived and sits at the bar by himself. MacP gives Jake thirty thousand Euros to deliver to the beefy guy. "And don't try to jack us!" Beefy Guy is all, "What?" Jake asks if he has something for him. Yeah, he does. "It took off from Heathrow six minutes ago." Oh no. I have a bad feeling about this.
Jake relays Beefy's message to MacP. The Geek Legion of Doom is elated by the news. "It's on? Oh boy! Woo hoo!" Jake excuses himself to the bathroom.
He calls The Man and explains that something big is in motion. German Intelligence can bust in, but the wheels, they are already turning. Then Babe busts in, and Jake drops his phone in the toilet. She says bluntly, "Who are you?" Jake is all, flagam? She say expositionally that they've been "doing it online for six months." She doesn't need Jake to tell her she's beautiful. "Save your compliments for someone who needs it." Jake follows her and says lamely, "We're not online anymore." She pushes him against the wall and says huskily, "You're breaking all the rules. No real names, no eye contact." He says, "We're breaking the rules." They kiss, and it's hot. Oh, to make out in a Berlin nightclub bathroom. In my fantasy, MacP wouldn't bust in and tell Jake and me to get a move on, since they have work to do.
In a geek parody of the Mean Streets/Reservoir Dogs thug strut, the five criminals and Jake move through the club and head down a guarded corridor. MacP leads them onto a heavily armored elevator and takes them down, "way down." Back in the War Room, there's a beeping. Dr. Thora says that "all of Jake's numbers have disappeared! He's just gone."
The Man steps up and says that German Intelligence raided the place and came up empty. Dr. Thora guesses that they went underground. Leader of the Pack asks for a map of all tunnels and sewers in the area, and all flights coming into Berlin and going out of Heathrow.
Deep underground, MacP explains that the Geek Legion of Doom is in a lead-lined nuclear bunker "that hasn't seen the light of day since the Berlin Wall came down." It's also safe from the prying eyes of satellite surveillance, thermal imaging, and sonar and radio interference. Ooh, paranoid. He leads them into a room and blows his wad: multi-TOEFL machines. Jake starts to drool a little. "Sixty billion calculations per second?" The target is named: Banatech Software. Jake says hollowly, "My old stomping grounds." All the geeks have a connection to Banatech, and all hate them. Some for charging for their crappy downloads and buggy software; the babe even temped there and tried to lift the code off a beta version of some software, but they had "a firewall of death." Ooh, I hate those too! MacP says, "It's impossible to crack their firewall, but not their executive jet." When the jet loaded with CEOs and high-ranking official reaches German airspace, the geeks will break into the airplane's fly-by wire, "forcing it to circle, and circle, until it's out of fuel." MacP will then force the execs to transfer big funds into their off-shore Cayman accounts. One geek hollers, "We're talking B as in BILLIONS!" MacP urges the geeks to "start their software," after he has a word with Jake.
War Room. Leader says straight-faced that German Intelligence should start looking at all those miles of bunkers and tunnels. Now.
MacP and Jake retire to a small room with a bottle of liquor and two glasses. MacP is giddy, elated, fugly. He cackles that "they bought it!" and that everything's going according to plan. They're in it for revenge! Banatech: The software company that drives nerds to kill. MacP is all, "It's all you! You're a genius. The only thing we don't have is infamy. Wanna do the toast?" Jake raises his glass and whispers, "To crashing a plane." MacP is all, "To crashing a plane full of toads. NICE!!" This is a little scary. There's going to be a TWoP writers' convention soon, and the only thing that's keeping a bead of sweat from sliding down my brow is that we're not all flying in together. We will, however, be staying at the same hotel. But which one? I'll never tell. Our enemies are large in numbers. And also in girth. Just kidding. OR AM I? MacP dashes out, and Jake puts his still-full glass down, the shot not taken.
War Room. A security guard comes in and asks The Man to come down to Hacker's cell.
Hacker says he has something to say about the geek Legion of Doom's plans -- but only for The Man's ears. The Man enters the cell, then easily fights off Hacker when he attacks him. He strides out again, only to discover that Hacker has lifted his cell phone and already made a call. The Man goes into the Lucite cage again and bashes Hacker but good in the face. He says to the guards, "He slipped." But Hacker has already sent a message.
In the bunker, the Geek Legion of Doom tap away on their TOEFL machines. Jake stalls for time and uses his nanites to send a message to his people back in the War Room -- "BANATECH PRIVATE CHARTER, NXIN DANGER." That's a Star Trek reference, isn't it? Heh. Leader of the Pack is all, "Find that plane and land them, NOW."
Jake is still stalling in the bunker. MacP is all, "Down that plane!" Jake says, "No." Why? Hold on, there's a message coming in to the TOEFL machines -- Hacker's magic. It reads, "DUMONT OUTHACKED BY NSA IMPOSTOR -- JAKE FOLEY." Everyone looks at Jake. MacP hits him in the head with a gun and knocks him out.
Cockpit. A German voice crackles over the radio that they are requesting an emergency landing. The pilot says he needs a reason to initiate an emergency landing. As soon as he's finished his sentence, he loses control of the plane. The moral is, always listen to Germans. Back in the War Room, The Man says the plane is going to crash in ten minutes.
Jake has some 'splaining to do to the Geek Legion of Doom. He maintains that Hacker was bent on revenge ("You know how he can get you to believe anything he says" -- Babe looks down at that), and not on making them rich. "You're isolated, and his lackey has a gun. Do you really think he wanted you all to get out of this alive?" There's a tense moment, and MacP smiles and licks his weaselly lips. MacP is all, you want to wait? I feel differently. He shoots one of Das Geeks. Everyone screams. MacP levels the gun at Jake and says, "You may be a hacker, but you'll never be a player." Jake does his mee mee mee mee mee! thing, and MacP says, "You better pray."
The plane is about to crash. Mayday, Mayday! They're headed right into the night skyline of Berlin. Then a message flashes on the War Room screen -- send override code to IPO 1.134.136.139. Leader of the Pack gets on the horn to the Germans and tells them vat to do.
Berlin bunker. Jake stares at the screen behind MacP -- finally it reads, "TO ENACT OVERRIDE CODE, PRESS ENTER." MacP screams like a little kid, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY COMPUTER!" He points the gun at Jake, and Babe runs over and presses enter. MacP hits her, then goes flying with the force of Jake's nanite-fueled blow.
After a few tense moments, the plane regains control and does not, I repeat, does not crash into the Berlin skyline. I have a horrible feeling as I type this, because as I think I've mentioned before, I had to recap The Lone Gunmen. The pilot of which featured anti-government terrorists flying a plane into the World Trade Towers. I totally dismissed the idea at the time. Then, you know what happened. The pilot episode never aired internationally, but I got mail from people all over the world asking if it was true, if the same scenario was depicted in this government conspiracy show. Yes, it was true. And yes, it was on the show and it happened in real life. And it makes me sick and sad to think about it -- everything, I mean. Anyway, hooray, fictitious software CEOs are saved.
Jake asks the German Intelligence officers to wait as he says goodbye to Babe, hottest hacker on the 'net. He says, "Sorry for the way things turned out." She says he has nothing to be sorry for. And her real name is Rachel. Off she goes in handcuffs, and not the recreational kind.
Back at home in D.C., Dr. Thora and Jake walk the halls. She's tickled to be hanging out with the "world's first ride-sharing super-spy." Jake gets a message on his phone -- "THE LAST THING YOU WILL SEE IS THE DEATH OWL." He goes right to the Lucite cage for a look. Hacker is there, in his white jumpsuit. "How was Berlin, Jake. Did you miss me?" Ooh, Jake has a nemesis! How great. Something to look forward to.