Oh my, we have another "previously" segment. Jake Foley, IT nerd, crushing out on blonde Sarah, gets infected with nanites (nanotechnology, for you real nerds out there). The nanites enhance his body functions and allow him to interface wirelessly with technology. And every body function is enhanced? Ooh. Agent, boss-lady, creates a special ops team with Jake at the core. So, IT guy to spy, thanks to nanites. Pretty much the same "previously" as last week, but whatever. Thanks for the info.
We open with one of those very cool changing POV shots. First, a satellite orbiting the earth; then we zoom down away from it and through the earth's atmosphere and land on a city street. Jake runs down the yellow line in the middle of the road. He's sweaty and disheveled, mmm. I know he isn't leaving my house, because no man ever runs from there. Usually I have to kick them out; then they walk slowly away. So Jake must be running to somewhere. But where? A yellow Mustang exits a garage, and Jake neatly leapfrogs it a la Wonder Woman. The two punk rockers in the car stare, wide-eyed. See? I knew this show was trying to reach punk rocker types! Except tribal neck tattoos are not the coolest. Jake, after clearing the car, looks at the dumbfounded rockers and nods agreeably. God, he's adorable.
Jake runs and runs, then -- mee mee mee mee mee! -- he uses the nanites to change the crosswalk sign to work in his favor. Very cool. Then more running; then he arrives at the library and casually greets Sarah. What a coincidence! He was just going to study some case law! Whee, isn't it fun to randomly run into a friend! Sarah tells him he won't get anywhere with his work today, since it's Sunday and the library is closing. Aww! What a bummer! Oh, well. Maybe, you wanna grab some coffee? Oh, that rapscallion Jake.
Jake and Sarah cool their heels at an outdoor cafe that looks like an office building's concrete recess area. It's not terribly atmospheric. But then again, they are in fake D.C. For the second time in three episodes, they're talking about how drunk they used to get in college. Pretty cute, for amateurs. My latest "got too drunk" story (circa 2003! Email me if you want to hear it!) involves red peppers, a Grammy party, and too much Belvedere. But that's cool, they're semi-straight now. Someone's got to be. For the kids. Anyway. Jake, drinking My First Tequila by PlaySkool, got smashed and barfed in the Lincoln Memorial. All over Abe's shoes, to be precise. That's pretty classic. Iconic, even. Sarah laughs and says, "We've grown up since then. Especially you. You seem more confident lately...you're just different." Psst. It's the nanites. Jake takes in the compliment, warms a bit, then says he's been working out. Sarah says, straight-faced, "I can't tell." Heh. Not. She's kidding. Jake says, "So you can tell?" Ehh. "Not really." Who doesn't love a ball-busting blonde? Me, for one.
A sleek black Cadillac Escalade pulls up to a bridge, then almost runs head-on into a semi. Cars screech up behind the Caddy, trapping them. A gang of Chinese men, dressed in black, leap out of the car and start working on the Caddy. The driver inside starts calling out via his headset, "We're under attack!" The man in the back seat opens his laptop and begins typing frantically. The driver says the car is completely bulletproof, but the Chinese dudes outside carve through the undercarriage and pipe in some gas. Laptop dude continues to type as he chokes. The driver stupidly opens the door and is shot to death. Then a steely-looking Chinese man opens the back door and says, "Give it to me." More machine gun fire follows.
Credits. Jake Foley has been upgraded. He has these powers. Life just got reeeal interesting.
A few quick cuts and we land in the NSA. Jake is playing a video game...with his mind, man. Those nanites are cool, heh heh. It's "Grand Theft Auto," I think. The last recent video game I played was "Parappa the Rappa," so I'm out of that part of the nerd loop. Dr. Thora surveys his vitals and suggests Jake take a break, but he's almost at the Eiffel Tower and too into it to stop. And hey, special guest Bai Ling? Cool. Dr. Thora reminds Jake that winning is not the point of the exercise, but Jake is almost there...there it is! The car on screen whizzes toward La Tour Eiffel, and Jake is beside himself with glee. Then, the X Box blows up. Dr. Thora sternly reminds Jake that exploding X Boxes means that he's not controlling the nanites, and that he blew the exercise. Awww. Jake says he'll buy the NSA a new one. Then they talk about their weekends: Jake had a date. Kinda. Sort of. "It felt like a date!" Dude? You ambushed her outside the place where you knew she'd be, and asked her out for coffee. That isn't a date. That's a fortuitous coincidence, but since it wasn't a coincidence on your part, it's borderline stalking. But Jake is an IT nerd, so he has to take what he can get. Sarah listens to Jake's rapturous recollection of coffee with Sarah, then reminds him tersely "not to push too hard." Also, don't stalk the ladies (they don't like it!), and don't call non-dates dates. Plus, open your eyes and see the hot scientist right in front of you. She wants you, ya nerd.
Agent and The Man go over the ambush in the Escalade we witnessed earlier. Killed was a senior engineer who was putting together a seventy-percent lighter, stronger tank made of new plastics. Agent says there was "possible Chinese involvement." Make that definite. Agent cocks her head and asks softly, "How long has it been since you've had contact with Mei Ling?" The Man looks at her, away, says two and a half years, then strides away and says he can't help Agent. Agent follows and says she's the most senior double agent and would be best to help crack this case. The Man says, "There should be someone else that can handle her." Heh. Oh, he means spy-wise. Agent says the schematics have to be taken out of an encrypted laptop. "It could be smuggled at any moment, Kyle." She says he'll meet her, with an agent in the room to watch covertly. The Man doesn't like that idea. "She can read a room better than any agent I know. She can sniff out any agent in moments." Agent doesn't think so.
Cut to a museum. Jake, in a blue jacket and striped shirt, sees a cute blonde looking at a painting, and strolls over. His opening gambit? "They call this art?" She gives him a look of death and walks away. Of course. It's a horrible line. Oh Jake, will you never have game? Poor, dear nerd. Come here, honey. Mmmm. Jake looks at The Man sitting on a banquette, then slides away in another direction. Bai Ling, in a slinky black dress and with bangs so sharp they could cut glass, makes a grand entrance. She sits with her back to The Man on the same banquette. What a vixen. She looks like Louise Brooks, but much darker and edgier. They speak briefly in Chinese without looking at each other, and then she says, "You must be in trouble." He asks why. "You called." He says she must have heard about the Chinese stealing the schematics for the new plastic tank. Wouldn't it be funny if she yelled at him? You know, like, what, because I'm Chinese I know what all of the other billion of us are doing? I suppose you think I know where the best Chinese restaurant is within five blocks of this museum, and can name every mysterious ingredient in their goddamn egg foo yung, too! Bai Ling says she doesn't know anything about it. The Man asks when she became so patriotic. She says, "Two years ago." There's the sound of "mee mee mee mee mee!" as Jake listens in on their conversation. The Man says he can give her full asylum if she snitches, plus five years' expenses. She asks why she should trust him. He says, "Because it's work." She asks for full asylum and two million dollars. He says that's a lot of money. It doesn't seem like much to me. Kenneth Lay got more, and people around him lost everything. He says he'll have to get authorization for that much dough, and she tells what she knows: the schematics are in the embassy, and will be taken out and delivered via diplomatic pouch later tonight. Luckily for everyone involved, there's a cocktail party there at eight o'clock. Bai Ling will take The Man as her guest. How convenient! Everyone can get dressed up in evening wear -- the better to display the sexual tension with, my dear. They stand up and face each other. He looks a little dazed as he takes her in. He says, "You haven't changed." She says, "Neither have you."
Jake and The Man walk down the street together. Jake is way too chipper when he points out that The Man and Bai Ling "may have this Casablanca thing going on." And look how well that turned out for the hetero lovers -- of course, it did look good for Claude Rains and Bogie. If there had been Ho!Yay in those golden days of Hollywood like there is on TWoP circa 2003, well, let's just say there would have been a lot of fanfic involving trench coats and the French Foreign Legion. In fact, there may be fan fiction written about Casablanca, but I don't have the stomach to call it up and read it with my own two eyes. Because my own two eyes would no doubt explode. I just don't want to believe it exists, though it's almost a certain fact it does. It's like the snuff film of fanfic. Jake says it's none of his business, but he can relate, because of Sarah, and...The Man really doesn't respond, or care.
Agent is not down with Bai Ling's terms. "That embassy is sovereign territory, if you get caught in there, there's nothing we can do." Ooh, a cocktail party from which there can be no return -- spooky. The Man counters sternly with, "Once those schematics leave the country, then there's nothing we can do." Agent is firm; if The Man gets caught, he'd be too valuable to the Chinese. Another agent should "do the job." Ba dum bum. Then Jake steps up and says he overheard their conversation; The Man is "the only one Ling wants." Heh, gulp, pardon my entendre -- wants for the job, not for hot hot sex or anything. Oh, the tension! Agent looks at The Man and asks if he trusts Bai Ling. For sex. No, she didn't, but he says he trusts her "enough." Then there's this rueful smile. What a weird conversation. Top government agents dancing around the "do you still like her enough to be comfortable working with her" issue. Plus, if China gets super-light powerful tanks, should we really be worried? Are they waterproof, too? Is this another "ripped from the headlines" actual espionage plot that I'm pooh-poohing, much like I pooh-poohed the planes flying into the World Trade Tower scenarios that was the pilot for The Lone Gunmen? Oh, whatever. If being ignorant of the ways of evil until it's too late is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
War Room. Dr. Thora hops around Jake like a little puppy, warning him of the dangers of his still-volatile nanites. "Do you know how dangerous this is?" Jake tells her he's nervous enough, this being his first real time in the field and all, and couldn't she just chill out? The Man runs through the plan: Bai Ling has an invitation for him at the door under an assumed name ("Felix," hee hee hee), she'll open the restricted area, he'll be undetectable to heat sensors there, this guy over there is driving the catering truck that will get the schematics out of there, security cameras over here, guards change shifts at ten-thirty blah blah blah filler-y details-cakes. Jake's nanite-fueled bod will scramble the cameras so the hallway appears empty. Jake is ebullient. "Great. Great! So, what's my cover! I speak a little Spanish, maybe I can be an oil man. No. Royalty? No, too obvious. Okay. Billionaire software developer!" Agent looks at him and says they pick the cover. Of course, of course.
Jake dons a white dinner jacket, complete with black studs and cufflinks. Very nice, elegant. He strolls into the party, a sea of black tuxes, and looks over a railing. I'm almost positive this room was used in a scene for Now and Again. Jake smiles, until there's a tap on his shoulder. Another white-dinner-jacketed man hands him a tray and says snidely, "Hors d'oeuvres. They don't serve themselves." Jake takes the tray, his buzz clearly killed, and moves off.
Jake is no better at handling trays laden with champagne than he is at controlling his nanites. Now, he's an IT nerd -- didn't anyone ever teach him how to move quickly down a hallway with a full cup of coffee or two? You can't stare at the thing holding the liquid. You have to be fluid yourself. Holding a tray full of glasses isn't easy -- in fact, it may not be the job you give to the guy who's just starting out as a cater waiter, which is Jake's first-ever cover in the espionage biz, but that's what's on his plate today, ha ha, oh my sides. Jake is way too terrified to be giving anyone champagne. A party guest places a napkin on his tray, and Jake almost faints from the stress. Another guest brushes by, and he almost overturns the tray entirely. The Man slides up and helps him stabilize the chattering mass of glass, and Jake thanks him. The Man hisses, "Don't mention it," and is off. Jake's white-jacketed manager sidles up and says, "Stop and go, stop and go!" Jake goes. Then Bai Ling makes a spectacular entrance via the railing far above the party action. What, is the entrance to this building on the roof? The Man sees her and can't move. She smiles and heads down to see him. Her red gown is not so subtle. The lascivious looks she shoots The Man, even less so. The Man stares and stares. He's stupefied by her smoldering smolderosity. If the Emmys had a category for "Best Smoldering," they'd win. They smolder at each other for what seems like forever. We're only twenty-four minutes into the episode, people. Let's move it along.
Jake, a little better at handling his tray now, pauses to pick up some plates. Sarah calls out to him. What is she doing there? But she wants to know what he's doing there. And he fills out his dinner jacket so well! Jake is way too happy to see her to properly concentrate on his espionage duties, or even his waiterly duties. He takes the last two glasses of champagne off his tray and gives her one.
Back at the War Room, Dr. Thora freaks out when she sees Jake's adrenals and blood pressure rise. "I don't know who he's talking to...is there any way we can pull him out of there?" Agent says the mission hasn't even begun. If by "mission," she means "action," then yes, she's right.
Jake and Sarah sip champagne and flirt. She reveals that she's at the party to try and make small talk with some congressman, in the hopes that he'll come aboard on the farm bill thing she was working on. "Truth be told, I'd rather be anywhere else." Oh, woe is Sarah, the hardships of having to attend a fancy dress party to network. She apologizes for her admission, then says she's had one too many glasses of Veuve Clicquot. Ooh, I love that stuff. It makes it impossible for me to feel sorry for Sarah, though. That and the fact that her smoky eye makeup looks like a black ring you get from one of those trick spyglass things they sell in the back of comic books. Not a great look. Jake sees his catering boss nearby and enlists Sarah to go dance.
On the dance floor, we have Smolder Part Two: Electric Boogaloo. The Man and Bai Ling are almost ready to catch fire -- but what's the rush? There's still half an hour left of time to fill. They dance with a lot of spinning, and The Man swings her around so they're spooning, upright, on the dance floor. He remembers her dress. "Armani? Hong Kong." She says that's "impressive," since she "wasn't wearing it for very long." Sarah sees them and is all, ew, get a room, why don't the two of them just do it already, The Man and Bai Ling, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, et cetera.
Bai Ling puts The Man's hand on her collarbone, then assists in sliding it down to her breast. Ooh! Nice move. I think I'm going to try that one. Jai on Queer Eye For the Straight Guy may have taught The Man that one. Sarah is agog at their forwardness, but Jake says, "Maybe they're just caught up in the moment." Sarah looks at him, with the hint of a smolder beginning to burn in her eyes, and says, "Yeah, that happens." Smolder smolder!
The Man still has his hand on Bai Ling's breast. Then he pulls a mini-disk out of her décolletage; it's the encrypted info needed to get the schematics. She asks huskily if he could choose right now, her or the mission, which would it be. He doesn't answer, and slips the disk in his pocket. The Man then tells her to go to the catering water over there (not Jake, the driver guy) and that she has to go, now. She looks at him a little sadly, then is off.
Sarah and Jake twirl on the dance floor. He sees that the congressman is free to talk to, but she spins Jake to a quiet corner and says it can wait. She wants to feel like she did in college again, and to take a six-pack to the Lincoln Memorial. Jake loves this idea. But he can't. The Man steps up to cock-block with an empty glass in his hand. Could he have a refill? Sarah finally notices that all of the waiters at the party have on white dinner jackets, like Jake does. "You're a waiter!" And you're not too observant, Sarah. The Man says, "Yes." Jake slinks off to the bar, then says balefully to The Man, "Was that really necessary?" It was. The Man says Jake was getting "distracted." Jake asks if all the boner dance-floor moves The Man was trying out is an indication of lingering feelings for Bai Ling. The Man says that "that's irrelevant," and Jake says, "Is it?" Wow, two dudes talking about their feelings, in tuxedos, with a nanotechnology espionage subtext. This show never ceases to amaze me.
It's time. The Man positions himself by the hallway and waits for Jake to mess wirelessly with the security cameras. Sarah nano-blocks Jake by walking up and asking what's going on. Jake doesn't know what to say. Sarah is all, it's okay, you're moonlighting as a waiter, that's cool. It's for extra cash. "Jake, you don't have to pretend with me." Jake, in interest of getting laid, says he's working undercover on a huge mission. Sarah laughs in his face. "That's hilarious! Okay, when are you getting off?" He says less than an hour. She says, "Lincoln Memorial, I'll get the beer." Jake is happy, then focuses on the task at hand: scrambling the security cameras. Mee mee mee mee mee! He gets the job done just in time, and The Man slips through a door into the hallway. Jake smiles, and when his cater boss comes over to ask in a horrified tone what he's doing, he says he's quitting and swigs champagne. Sigh. I want to sip champagne. With Jake.
The Man jumps through the first proverbial hoop; a security door. He's in. Dr. Thora and Agent watch the heat-sensor blips in the War Room nervously. Jake leaves the party casually, hands in his pockets. He should be whistling. Then he sees the catering truck that was supposed to take Bai Ling to the safe house. He calls in to inform Agent. When she asks where the driver went, he throws open the back of the truck and sees him there, dead. His white dinner jacket ain't white anymore. Jake says, "Oh no." Oh yes. Things just got a little stabby in here.
Agent strides into the room and picks up the briefcase holding the laptop. Then he sees Bai Ling, flanked by two Chinese men in black tuxedos. God, I love how the good guys are wearing white in this episode! Every week, there's some classic way of telling a story dropped into this very modern show, and it makes me so happy. Bai Ling, still a vision in her red Armani dress, says, "Good job. But you made the wrong choice." Is this proof that relationships are more important than careers? I think so. Thanks, Jake 2.0, for this very important lesson in How Work Isn't Everything. Like, see how happy Jake was when he quit his fake catering job? I need to quit my stupid bartending job. Then I'll be happy. The Chinese penguin twins advance on The Man, and he fights. Until one whips out a gun. Whoops.
The Man is tied up in a chair. The penguin twins walk away, and Bai Ling tells him to talk, and "it would help if you [would] be honest. I know how hard that may be for you." Ooh, burn. The Man sputters that she could have gotten away from all this double-agenting, and had a clean life on the outside. She says she is, and that after she delivers the schematics, she's out of the biz for good. Now, I really like The Man; he's hot and principled and cares about his work enough to do a good job. So why would he want to ask the slinkiest double agent this side of the planet (maybe both) to stop doing what she does best? Can you ask a rainbow to be less radiant? Can you ask a basket of puppies to stop being so damn cute? I don't think so. She says maybe two and a half years ago, they could have had a life together. He pants heavily and says, "Two and a half years ago, you would have been dead." Well, that's awfully vague.
Back in the War Room, Agent and Dr. Thora try to manage the disaster. Dr. Thora is worried sick about Jake, and Agent is just trying to protect her little ones in the field. Jake phones in that the driver is dead. Agent picks up and tells him to get out of there, now. He says he can't, there are guards everywhere. She says his cover hasn't been blown, and he should just stroll off the grounds like he's talking to a friend on the phone. But where's The Man, he wants to know?
Bai Ling is still torturing The Man, and by "torturing," I mean "walking around in couture as the victim lies tied in a chair, panting." The Man explains his earlier comment; Chinese intelligence knew that she was doubling up with the NSA, and that if he had shown up at their appointed meeting two and a half years ago, she would have been shot. Snipers were all over the place. She says he's lying. He says he's telling the truth, and why does she think he's here today? To get her out, so they can have a life together. I knew it! Relationships are more important than careers! Except what is she going to do, sit around the house and play mah jongg when he's out spying it up for the NSA? Rent movies and eat ice cream and dodge snipers that will no doubt be sent after her for deserting? She's a super-slinky double agent, man. She listens to him and trembles violently. Ooh, facial trembling -- that's how you know this show has an edge over The O.C.. On that show, they only eyebrow-act -- they don't do facial trembles. Facial trembling is some second-level shit. Bai Ling regains her composure and says, "It's too late." She says something in Chinese, and in comes the torturer guy. Ruh roh.
Jake, trying to act casual, keeps talking to Agent on the phone. He gets almost to the gate, then stops. Agent and Dr. Thora watch his motionless blip on the sensor screen. Mee mee mee mee mee! Jake can hear The Man talking. He has to go back in. Agent realizes that they wanted him all along, that this whole tank schematics thing was a set-up. Jake has to get out of there, now! Jake does the opposite. The music is all, DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA. Very techno-urgency.
Torturer Guy says that all The Man has to do is tell him names. The Man draws his head back and spits in the torturer's face. The torturer then begins twirling a stun gun like it's nunchakus. That's never good.
DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA DUGGA. Jake uses his nanites to open the security door that led The Man to his present torture chamber. In this wing of the embassy, he and The Man are invisible to Dr. Thora and Agent in the War Room, and they bug out.
Torturer Guy jacks The Man up with seventeen thousand volts of electricity. The Man takes it like, well, a man, and says, "You go to hell!" Torturer says he has all night, and steps over to his PlaySkool My First Torture Kit to grab another pain-inflicting device. Jake rushes in to fight the dude. First he punches out a filing cabinet (ouch!), then takes a few kicks and punches to the head. Oh no, Jake's bleeding! He lies in a lump on the ground. Then he gets angry; his anger helps him focus on kicking some torturer ass. We see the nanites angryin' up his blood, then kaboom -- Jake is transformed into a super-strong fighting machine. He kicks torturer ass until TG impaled against steel girders in the wall, and falls down dead. Wow, Jake killed a guy! That's some second-level shit! Then the timer on his watch goes off, and all the security cameras are reactivated. An alarm sounds. Jake rushes over to untie The Man, but The Man stops him from sawing through the ropes and demands that Jake stab him in the neck. "If they make me talk, people die. This is what being an agent is all about. So do your job." The alarm goes MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP, and Jake's holding the knife, and The Man is looking at Jake all intensely, and we go to commercial.
Jake, still holding the knife, says his job is to get The Man out of here. He carries him as The Man says, "There's no way out." Several Chinese guards come out, and Jake makes the overhead lights go out. The guards can't see in the dark, but Jake can, and manages to drag The Man to the door. Jake pokes his head out and sees a new Cadillac. He asks the man if the new Caddies are "completely computerized, right?" The Man says yeah. So are Jaguars, I think, but Jags have Sting pimping for them, and besides, Cadillacs are the shizney. Jake starts up the Caddy and has it acting all crazy. The guards shoot at it wildly. Vroom vroom, it's a crazy ghost car that was built in America! The careening auto is enough of a distraction for Jake and The Man to slip away, but kaboom, there's Bai Ling pointing a gun at The Man's head. Then she drops the gun and stands in front of him, trembling. Then she kisses him. It's wet and slurpy. When they're done, she tells him to go. He asks her to come with them. She says she can't, and he should go. Wow, it is like Casablanca. Jake and The Man drive off in the truck as guards shoot at them. When they drive right through the gate, Jake is smiling and confident again.
Back in the War Room, Agent strides over to a visibly shaken Dr. Thora and says, "That fear thing? It never goes away." Dr. Thora takes her glasses off and wipes her eyes.
Jake and The Man sit on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, spent but still in their white dinner jackets. It's very early daylight -- a beautiful dawn over the Washington Monument. The Man remembers Bai Ling on the beach, in a white dress and no shoes. Jake counters with, "Georgetown, freshman year. I have no idea what she was wearing, I just remember her eyes." The Man says, "You see, she held a gun to my head, then she kissed me." Jake says, "I never kissed her." They swig their beers.