Previously: crap happened. Then some more crap happened. Then the crap ended. Specifically, Audrey gets a role in a mewvie (tm Tumbleweed). Barto gets some research fellowship at Duke. Barto and Audrey argue about who is going to compromise in their romance. If I'm not mistaken, I thought they were supposed to be secondary characters in this glorious program, but the entire "previously" was about their little interspecies romance.
And now. A completely forgettable episode. Of Jack and Jill.
Jill, sporting a full face of shaving cream and BVDs, stumbles out of Boudoir de Doom, Jack clutching onto him like a barnacle on the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. She tells him he can use her razor. He says he can't, there's something about a pink razor -- kind of takes away the manly aspect of shaving. Jill decides to go back to his place. They kiss, in this totally adorable, uncontrived, and original moment that just makes the toes of America curl with romantic envy. Not. Amanda Peet ends up with this big curl of shaving cream on her face that looks like a desiccated booger.
Cut to scene. Jack hops up to Jill's to fetch her "toothpaste -- the one with the extra baking soda." Jill looks repulsed, as if his Quaalude-and-vodka hangover had worn off and he realized what had happened to his career in the eight months since he went on that bender.
scene. Jill comes over to Jack's to fetch his Gold's Gym sweatshirt. Jack has a toothbrush jammed in her gaping maw. Now I know there is no God because she doesn't fall on it, stabbing the toothbrush through her larynx and rendering her completely incapable of speech.
scene. Jill meets Jack as they hustle down (him) and up (her) the stairs. Jill's left socks at her place. Jack left her favorite bra at his place. Jack looks puzzled. Jill explains the principles of her favorite-sweater bra, "that has rounding qualities that work really well with sweaters," as opposed to her favorite-shirt bra, "that does a low-cut cleavage kind of thing." I'm glad that Jack has taken navel-gazing to another level and instead stares at her girls all day, planning tactical maneuvers that would make Commander Erwin Rommel proud. Jill pretends to get really horny and runs after her up the stairs.
Credits. You know, we might never know the truth about Romeo because this ass-munching show got cancelled. 'Tis a pity, truly. Truly.
Everyone's favorite dancin' rodent stands on the street corner, her hair down for once in her adult life, as Barto runs up and announces he got the Duke fellowship. She leaps nimbly into his arms and wraps her little paws around him as he spins, and they are both ecstatic. Barto announces that Madison told him no one was even close. Ferret says she knew he'd get it. They discuss when he's leaving for North Carolina -- a week from Tuesday. They realize that by that point La Ferreta will be in L.A., but they make empty promises to call one another every day and night. Essentially it's a case of their lips saying "yes, yes," but their big, blank, eyes saying, "no, no." Ferret, looking jaw-juttingly determined, says, "Okay, we have to celebrate tonight, where should we go," in an attempt at tough-as-nails delivery. Barto says, his voice dropping an octave or so, "Anywhere my beautiful movie-star girlfriend wants to take me." He attempts to strike a seductive note but looks like a freaky child molester instead. Ferret attempts a mid-Atlantic accent and says, "We'll have to go somewhere where the paparazzi won't bother us," and then grins widely, throwing her protuberant snout into even further prominence. They walk off arm in arm.
Elispa, hair looking as tired as Liza Minnelli's career, and Jack, looking, well, like an equine man, stand on the fire escape, arranging flowers and discussing Audrey's imminent departure and maybe how Jill should move in since they already spend so much time together anyway. Jack demurs, saying that they're just getting used to the whole "key thing." Elispa lisps, "I can vouch for him as a roommate, although we only lived together for about five minutes, since he was in love with you, which is a plus in your situation." Jack wonders if Jill would want to move in. They giggle girlishly while I fantasize about the fire escape giving way under the combined weight of their terrible acting, which, if it could be quantified in atomic terms, is probably the densest material known to humankind.
scene. @Bar. Audrey and her nasty little rotund fireplug of an agent, Dan, are having a drink. Dan tells the Ferret that the deal is closed, and that they're working out per diem and allowances, and that they're trying to get her carrier sent to Chateau Marmont, which proves that Dan, the nasty little rotund fireplug, reads InStyle just like everyone else. The Ferret opens her maw to express astonishment, since she, like everyone else, thought that the Marmont had a strict no-feral-rodents policy. But you know, "Integration Now, Segregation Never" seems to be the prevailing ethos of the nasty little rotund fireplug's life. Ferret goes on to say how she can't believe all that's happening to her. She thanks Dan the NLRF for having faith in her, and Dan says meaningfully, "It's more than faith, Audrey," and Audrey looks down modestly, a blush apparent on her weaselly little face, but Dan gets interrupted from putting his own little leash of love on our favorite Ferret by the entrance of Rebecca Please Romijn a Model and Not Become a Hyphenate Model-turned-Actress, a.k.a. "Mattress," enters the @Bar, dressed in fetching sports separates and a leather fisherman's hat that looks like a too-tight condom on her big, blonde head.
Everyone gapes. Audrey says, "Oh my God," and Dan says, "Paris! Over here!" Audrey says, "You know her?" and Dan says, "I represent her," and I sure hope Dan means that in the hip-hop sense, because this premise is straining the already thin Saran Wrap of credibility this show has. Because, you know, sooo many movie stars are named "Paris" (although more than a few porn stars are), and, of course, a big movie star's agent would be based in New York and would be catering to the needs of an unknown dancer, not, say, in Los Angeles, where every major talent agency is located. Yes. Dan the NLRF says, "You look amazing," and Rebecca Please Romijn HOME With Your Washed-Up Soap Star Wannabe Rocker Husband says, "Dan, you need a new line," and he says, "You look fantastic." She says, "That's a good one," and to give credit where credit is due, RRS manages to deliver her line readings fairly naturally, which is more than any other member of "Dreck and Roadkill" have been able to do. Audrey does a few weird flexes with her torso and gets introduced to "Paris Everett."
Cut to Mikey and his boss standing at the bar. The boss points out that it's Paris Everett. Mikey lists her entire filmography. The boss comments that Mikey sounds like a big fan. Mikey says, "She's perfection. I've been in love with her before I ever saw her." Say what? If anyone can give me a context for that line that makes any sense, please email it to me. The winner with the most plausible explanation wins three stale Krispy Kremes and a Duncan Imperial Butterfly yo-yo.
Back to Dan the NLRF, the Ferret, and "Paris Everett." "Paris" and Dan tell Audrey the story of "Paris's" stratospheric ride to the top, which combines all the elements of every famous actor's "I was living in a dump, twenty bucks to my name" combined with All About Eve and a touch of Lana Turner's sitting-at-the-counter-waiting-to-be-discovered urban legend. It's boring, it's stereotypical, and you can fill in the blanks. Blah blah blah, "you're Audrey" hypecakes. "Paris" requests directions to the ladies' room and of course walks by Mikey, who gazes at her longingly. Mikey tells his boss to "cover him, he's goin' in," which I'm sure is dialogue Simon Rex has used before. Mikey wends his way through the bar so as to run into "Paris" on her way back from the loo. He says, "Wait, don't I know you?" and "Paris" gives him the fishy eyeball and then he says, "You're Paris! I met you at that convention -- people named after European cities. I'm Belgrade." "Paris" gives him an "okay, nice try" look and says, "Well, you do get points for originality," and Mikey says, "Not to mention degree of difficulty," waggling his eyebrows. "Paris" looks amused. I am not. Also, if the Encyclopedia Britannica is anything to go by (and I'm just hazarding a guess that it is), Belgrade is in Yugoslavia, and Yugoslavia is part of the Balkans. "Paris" keeps smiling at him and gives him a look that says "I'm listening," while Mikey borrows page three from Keanu Reeves' five-page repertoire of acting techniques and looks to the left, and then the right. Then he says, "I'm a little stuck, I didn't expect to get this far," and "Paris" says she didn't expect him to get this far, either. They engage in some flirtatious banter. Mikey tells her since she's new to New York she needs some tutoring in getting around the big, bad city. Mikey offers to take "Paris" on a tour of New York. Notable in this scene is that the work "neophyte" was used correctly, although not really in the proper context.
Dan the NLRF asks Audrey to go for a bite to eat. Ferret says she has plan with Barto. Dan looks pensive and pauses, before casually mentioning to her that when she gets to L.A., she should try to appear unattached, since it plays better. Audrey looks offended and tries to raise her eyebrows haughtily, but only succeeds in looking like she's been taser-gunned. Dan then says he's speaking purely as an agent, and that nobody's a bigger fan of true love than he is, but where Audrey's going, Barto won't be able to follow. Audrey says, "You sure are, Dan," and Dan says what, and Audrey says, "Speaking purely as an agent." Audrey looks disgusted and finishes her drink.
"You're the man!" and "congrats, bro," trip off the tongues of Jill and Mikey as they escort Barto down the street. Barto says thanks and then spouts his lines so they can segue to the plot point, subletting the apartment blah blah blah Jill might as well sublet the whole thing and move in with Jack-cakes. Jill goes silent. He wonders if she would want to. Mikey, the concerned and selfless friend as always, says, "Before we listen to Jill deliberate about whether he should move in with someone again, you guys want to hear about my strategy for Paris Everett?" Barto says, "DEFINITELY," and Jill says, "No panting," like a stern den mother. "No sex," Mikey announces, while the other two, raging libidos taken aback by such blasphemy, stop in their glandular tracks. "That's pretty good, huh?" Mikey says, oblivious to their shock. Mikey continues: "Paris Everett" is probably used to dealing with two kinds of guys, the first type being those that want to get her into bed immediately, and the second who are so terrified they can't even speak to her. Jill points out that Mikey is usually the president and CEO (I think that's what he said, but Ivan Sergei's enunciation in this scene was weird) of the first category, but Mikey says that he wants things to be different with "Paris Everett," and that he wants it to be more than a one-night stand, and that who knows, maybe they'll even become a thing. Barto points out that he'll probably become a stalker, and she'll get a restraining order. Snicker. Mikey says nay. His plan is to show interest, but make no move, so then "Paris" will get intrigued, and get so interested she won't be able to stop thinking about him, but he'll keep saying no, and by that point there'll be so much "pent-up heat" that they'll have to indulge in a "sexual frenzy of legendary proportions." Jill assumes "I've-got-a-snappy-quip-that-will-totally-put-the-capper-on-this-already-wacky-conversation" stance and says, "You've never done this before, have you?" and Mikey says, in his patented "I'm-a-lovable-horny-goof-who-unwittingly-says-funny-stuff" schtick, "Doesn't mean it won't work." Mikey walks off, head bobbing as he contemplates his future as arm candy for Rebecca Romijn Careerless. Barto and Jill stand frozen, in what might actually be Central Park, but it's been a while since I've been in New York.
The Ferret and Jack walk down the stairs while the Ferret warns her how difficult it is to live together. Jack says that they're pretty much living together already, while the Ferret knowingly explains that pretty much living together and actually living together are not the same, and to trust her, she's done both, and it's very difficult, especially during fights, and that living together puts too much pressure on things to be perfect, and that fights are difficult, because the only place to go to get some space is for a walk, but then you get angry that you had to leave your own apartment, and if he goes for a walk, you get angry at him for walking out on the fight, and then everything gets magnified, and fights end up in break-ups or moving out. Jack looks disheartened. Even her Prime Minister Nakasoni eyebrows look disheartened. The Ferret says, "That's my experience anyway." Then she says, "You'll be fine," and slaps Jack on the shoulder. Jack mutters, "Of course we will."
Jill is interviewing two guys who want to sublet his apartment -- and finds out that they're looking for another place since they want to move out of their respective girlfriends' apartments. I would recap this scene in more detail, except basically it's the exact same thing Jack just heard from the Ferret in the scene, and the two weenies outline all the dangers of moving in together. Why don't the writers just set off a goddamn flare in the middle of the script? OKAY WE GET IT, it's foreshadowing, for chrissakes.
Amish Acres. Mikey's big date. Elispa asks why he's not picking up his date if it's such a big deal. Mikey says it was the lady's choice, that she doesn't like people knowing where she lives. "Paris Everett" knocks. Mikey gets the door. Elispa drops a bowl on her foot and goes into her lovable goof mode and tries to act cute and flustered a la Mary Tyler Moore, but instead is annoying and should be crushed like a bothersome insect. She then fawns over "Paris Everett" some more by recounting to her some outfit of hers that Elispa saw in InStyle magazine at a party -- a silver Cynthia Rowley outfit and black Prada wedge heels. "Paris" corrects her and tells her in a self-deprecating manner that they were actually dark green. "Paris Everett" asks Elispa what she's doing, and then invites her along to dinner. Mikey looks horrified, but agrees. Elispa, of course, having NO DISCRETION or sense of decorum, agrees to go and shoots off to change. "Paris" thanks Mikey and says that most guys wouldn't be that cool about letting their roommate tag along on a date, and Mikey says he's not "most guys."
"Michael Mann" movie premiere. The Ferret is wearing a fetching cantaloupe-colored dress and is rubbernecking. "Ohmigod it's Al Pacino!" she squeals. What the hell is wrong with her? Hasn't she been a dancer/actress for a while? And Manhattan is not exactly Nibnick, Arkansas -- presumably she's seen celebrities before. Someone get this crazy bitch a Nembutal suppository. Dan introduces Audrey to "executives from Fox," and tells them that she's going to be in "Svengali for Warner Bros." The Fox execs ask questions and Dan answers them all, and the sad attempts at name dropping (Gwyneth Paltrow and Matt Damon and some other Caucasian flavors of the month) fly fast and furious. Then they schedule a meeting for Audrey and simultaneously whip out their Palm Pilots to schedule it in. Hah! What a pointed satire on fast-talking, obsessive entertainment-industry professionals, as well as a biting indictment of the ubiquity of pretentiously used technologies! Since those two topics have never been addressed before, I'm so glad the WB took the time to mine these two satirical motherlodes. Anyway, the gist of this scene is that the Ferret is getting sucked into the fetid maw of the Industry, Barto's feeling left out, and that Dan is a nasty little rotund fireplug who feels up Audrey's knee in front of Barto. Oh, and someone takes an interest in Barto, and he introduces himself as a med student at "Lamay," which sounds more like a trailer-trash beauty parlor than a med school, and the woman, also an Industry exec, says, "Oh right, the new pilot for the WB." Barto corrects her with, "No. At Lamay. In Manhattan. In real life," and she promptly loses interest and turns away. Oh, will those wacky, post-modernist WB writers never stop? How can I finish my recap when I am blindsided by the howling laughter brought on by these hilarious in-jokes? Also, if the Ferret flashes that scythe-like, obnoxious grin again, I am going to stab myself in the eye with a pen.
Jill is moving into Jack's, and Jack talks about how great and convenient the move is. Jill starts setting up his stuff, and Jack demonstrates her anal, yet lovable, need for everything in its proper place by questioning his every move and hovering over him anxiously, and it's SO BORING I could die.
scene. "Paris," Mikey, and Elispa ride around in the limo while "Paris" tells a childhood anecdote so she can flash some thigh while showing some scar from her escapades as a scamp. Elispa finally does something polite and leaves them alone in the limo to head up to the apartment. "Paris" tells Mikey she had a great time. He says me too. She goes to kiss him, but he squeezes her hand. She asks if he wants to drive around the city for a while and Mikey says, "No, but I want to call you tomorrow," as the Horns of Horniness play in the background.
scene. Jack and Jill sorting CDs. Weirdness arises when Jill wonders if he should label his, and Jack looks insulted. Then Jack says they're not really moving in together, they're just pretending, and that it's a rehearsal. Jill says for "the big play," although they're not going to be doing The Big Play anytime soon. I'm assuming they're talking about Living Together or Marriage, but frankly the metaphor is hackneyed and boring and I choose to ignore it and not recap it. Any of you need to know EXACTLY what was said can get a transcript by sending three dollars and a can of hearts of palm to me, manimal, c/o MBTV.
Fancy party. Dan the NLRF is talking up Audrey and how gorgeous and fabulous she is. Barto comes up behind her and asks that they talk. Barto wants to leave. Audrey says five more minutes. Barto said she said that an hour ago. Audrey says that this party is important to her, and she thought he would understand that. Barto says that they only have a few nights left together and it's important to him that they actually spend it in each other's presence. Then the Ferret says that's exactly why she asked him along. Barto repeats her statement incredulously. The Ferret tells him he should be a little more supportive, and that if things take off for her, this is how things are going to be and he should learn to handle it. Barto tells her she's been acting self-absorbed like everyone else at the party, and she says maybe he should go, and he does. Now she looks incredulous. Barto walks out, and Dan the NLRF says goodbye. Barto turns to see the Ferret eyeing him nastily, and then the NLRF comes up and puts his arms around her and leads her to another john -- oops, I mean, "Industry exec" and Audrey pastes on her big Valley of the Dolls grin.
@Bar. Barto's getting trashed. Kevin the bartender cuts him off after one more drink. Little Orphan Annie greets Barto. Barto is morose. She asks if she's interrupting. Barto says she's only interrupting his depression, and that's a good thing. She grins, pleased as punch, and pulls up a bar stool.
Back to the fancy party. The place is almost empty. Dan the NLRF pulls Audrey into the bedroom. Audrey says that she's exhausted and the NLRF says she could spend the night there, and Audrey says that he has to remember that Barto's in her life, and so does she. He sleazily asks her if they can be friends and partners, and the nasty Ferret says, "Business partners. Only." Outside the bedroom, the Ferret's cell phone (Motorola Star Tac, for those who care) rings and one of the last guests picks it up -- which happens ALL THE TIME - and it's Barto, asking after Audrey. The extra tells him that she's in the bedroom with Dan the NLRF.
Barto in his apartment, getting drunker by the minute. He complains to Annie, who's even drunker, and then confesses to Barto that if "I were her, I'd never . . ." Barto wisely says that she should go, and she agrees. At the door Barto gives her a farewell kiss -- on the lips -- and then they go at each other in a drunk, revenge- and/or unrequited love-fueled sexual frenzy. Some serious makin' out goes on, and they head for the bedroom. DA DA DUM. Didn't I see this plot device already on Friends? And who exactly thought it was a good idea to steal it, plot point for plot point?
Morning light -- or is that just the reflection off of Justin Kirk's blindingly white chest? Little Orphan Annie puts on her sweater and sees that he's awake. She goes to kiss him and he rebuffs her with, "It's . . . umm . . . I need to start packing . . ." and Annie politely takes the hint and says, "Oh. I should get going." She looks crestfallen to the second power. Barto says, "You know, what happened last night --" and Annie says, "I know." Barto says, "I'm really sorry," and Annie says, "Hey, I'm a big girl." Annie opens the door to go, only to reveal the Ferret, wearing something she dug out of Fiona Apple's closet. Everyone is horrified. The Ferret says, "Oo-kay," and Barto says, "Audrey, wait!" and the Ferret keeps walking. Barto says, "Please," and Audrey screeches, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" in her best Exorcist imitation.
Ferret Flats. The Ferret reclines her little weaselly head on Jack's lap, and Jack listlessly plays with the Ferret's hair, perhaps checking her for ticks as she comforts her. "I can't believe it," Jack says. The Ferret mutters something about how Barto's just like all her other boyfriends. Jack tells her they should talk. The phone rings and the answering machine picks up. Barto says he needs to talk to her, but Audrey immediately picks up the phone and hangs up on him.
Bachelor arms. Barto keeps saying that he's an idiot, he's scum. Jill and Mikey tell him he's neither of those things, that he just made an enormous mistake, the "kahuna of big mistakes." At this point I can barely distinguish the three men from one another. They just all look like slightly different variations on big Ken dolls to me, so forgive me if I scramble the dialogue and attribute it to the wrong Ken doll. Jill says the Ferret might forgive Barto. Barto says he's going up. The minute he leaves, Mikey asks where's the Nintendo. Jill says it's at Jack's. Mikey asks desperately where the controller is. Jill asks him why he wants the controller if there's no Nintendo. Mikey confesses that sometimes he just likes to hold it. Jesus, are the writers just stealing lines straight from Young, Hard and Solo or what?
Amish Acres. Elispa is wearing some lovely chinoiserie-inspired schmatte and yapping about herself, as usual, and telling one of her wacky childhood anecdotes about how she gave herself a lobotomy -- I mean, a Cleopatra haircut. "Paris" comments that she probably looked adorable and Mikey agrees through clenched teeth, and then shoots Elispa the evil eye. Elispa, with some alacrity, gets the hell out of Dodge. Mikey turns to "Paris." "Paris" says, of Elispa, "She's great." Mikey agrees. "Paris" starts rolling her head around on her neck, saying how the training for her new action flick leaves her wanting a massage. Mikey says he could suggest a licensed therapist. "Paris" all but spits in disgust and says it's time for her to go. Mikey, sensing he is losing momentum, offers to make her dinner tomorrow night, and moves in close to her to open the door, but then coyly pulls away. After she leaves he bangs his head on the door, either in frustration, or maybe to get at the meat, like the way you'd crack a coconut open with a blunt object.
Jack's bathroom. Jack and Jill perform their ablutions. Jill asks how Audrey is. Accusingly, Jack says, "How do you think?" After a pause she asks how Barto is. Jill replies not good. Jack says maybe they shouldn't talk about it. Jill agrees. Two seconds later, using that contradictory-yet-lovable schtick that has worked oh-so-well for her, thus far ingraining her in the hearts and minds of TV viewing audiences in Blatwell, Illinois (pop. 542), she screams, "What the hell was he thinking?" and Jill tries to defend Barto by saying, "He made a mistake." They start fighting, defending their respective friends. Jack whispers kittenishly, "I told you we shouldn't have talked about it." Can I describe to you how annoying Amanda Peet is? I think there are fungi out there who are better actors. I think you could throw a rock out a window and hit someone with more talent and comedic timing than she has. Okay, I'm fine now. Really. So Jack tells Jill maybe he should go back to his place. Jill says, "I thought this was my place." Jack stutters out that maybe he could go down there since no one's living there yet. Jill asks what they're gonna do when someone is living there and they have a fight.
Showdown at the hoedown. Cab pulls up to Ferret Flats and the Ferret herself gets out. Barto jumps out of the lurking shadows and tells her everything, the whole Friends rip-off plot, using, as far as I can tell, even the Friends dialogue, except with a few name changes. The Ferret tells him it's a lame excuse, and that's the kind of behavior she used to indulge in, and that the ironic thing is he's the one who called her on her behavior. Barto says there must be a way they can work it out. The Ferret says, "NEIN, Sie ekelhaftes whore!" or words to that effect. The Ferret tells him it's over. The Piano of Discord starts to play its lonely tune, soon joined by the Clarinet of Hackneyed Relationships.
Mikey and Elispa at a roach coach, getting coffee. Mikey tells disbelieving Elispa that he and "Paris" are going to get it on that night. Mikey also tells Elispa it was part of his new strategy, soon to be his old strategy, because he can't take it. Elispa tells him he doesn't need a strategy, that "Paris" is really into him. Mikey says really? And Elispa says, of course, who wouldn't be. Then Mikey takes a sip of his coffee and says, "I burned my larynx." Elispa repeats disbelievingly, "You burned your larynx? Who says that?" Yes. And I believe Elispa's question could be rightfully applied to every piece of dialogue ever uttered on this show.
Ferret Flats. Jack says, "I probably wouldn't have forgiven him either. I can't believe it's over." The Ferret keeps packing. "It's over. And I leave tomorrow." A knock at the door. It's Annie. Jack makes a hasty exit. Annie tells Audrey that she knows she's the last person Audrey wants to see right now. Audrey says cryptically, "Takes two." Annie says, "True. But I think it was more me. I think I wanted it to happen. Because I'm totally in love with him." Audrey whirls around and says, "Oh, thank you, that makes me feel so much better." Annie says, "But he's totally in love with you, and he's scared to death of losing you." The Ferret asks when they discussed this -- before, during, or after. Little Orphan Annie looks frumpy and upset. I liked her much better when she played bitchy Amber in Clueless. Elisa Donovan, get in touch with your inner Amber!
Barto walks aimlessly around the city. He's upset, or stoned, or both.
Some whiny fool sings something about lost love and "I weeeeell luuuuu-uuuuhve you" over and over and over again and the Ferret, obviously hearkening back to her days in the woods, starts to do a -- I kid you not -- melancholy performance dance in her totally empty dance studio while wearing a teeny black bra and pants from the J. Jill catalogue. These shots of her dancing are interspersed with shots of Barto sitting around looking melancholy. Okay, at this point I feel utter horror and embarrassment for Jaime Pressly, physical embarrassment at this utterly ridiculous, bizarre, and pretentious performance. The last scene of the Ferret dancing shows her feeling up her own armpit, and then bursting into tears. You draw your own conclusions. Perhaps she felt a swollen gland. Barto looks disconsolate. Cut to the Ferret as she sits in the middle of the floor, weeping.
Jack walking in the park. Jill comes running up. Jack says, "Quit following me, dude." Jill says that it's actually his park, and she's trespassing. They talk about the tenseness of days past. Jill says he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. Jack says neither does she, but she doesn't want to do the wrong thing just because she's afraid of saying the wrong thing. Jill admits he's not ready to move in together. Jack admits that she isn't, either, and they both say they've already rushed into similar events in the past that turned out to be mistakes. Jack says they have the rest of their lives. Jill says that when they decide they're ready, he doesn't want it to be a rehearsal, he wants it to be the real thing. Jack asks if she can keep the Nintendo, then they giggle and wrestle playfully, because we all know that painful emotional discussions about the status of a relationship can always be easily resolved by a well-placed quip, since all of life is conducted just like a fucking Noel Coward play. Jesus.
Amish Acres. Elispa is watching The Way We Were as "Paris" and Mikey burst in, laughing. Instead of greeting them with "hello," Elispa says, "I always think if I watch it again, Hubbell and Katie will stay together." Instead of asking Elispa if she's upped her lithium dosage, "Paris" laughs, as if Elispa were cute. "Paris" asks what time it is. Mikey says 2:15. "Paris" says the night's still young. Elispa, looking down at the mouth, says she's going to go to bed. "Paris" says that sounds like a good idea, looking at Mikey. Mikey, eyebrows waggling lasciviously, says, "I agree." Elispa says goodnight. Mikey says goodnight. "Paris" says goodnight, slaps Mikey on the shoulder, and follows Elispa. Mikey, stunned, follows "Paris" so now the threesome -- haw! -- looks like a small conga line. Elispa sees "Paris" following her and halts. She says, "Paris, I'm going to my bedroom." "Paris" says, "Yeah." Elispa says, "Are you going to my bedroom, too?" "Paris" says, "Yeah." Elispa says, "Paris, I don't want you going to my bedroom." "Neither do I," chirps Mikey. "Oh," says "Paris." "Oh. My mistake." Elispa stutters that she didn't know that "Paris" was . . . "Paris" says, "Bisexual?" and Elispa says, "Oooh, that's a big word!" and Mikey says, "Not a bad word." "Paris" tells Mikey that he's sweet and the first guy she's met who hasn't tried to make a move on her, but her interests have moved elsewhere. She turns to Elispa with a vampy look. Elispa says nervously that she's enjoyed getting to know "Paris." "Paris" says vice-versa and ditto for her. Mikey says he's willing to watch them get to know each other. All six viewers shout, "Shut up, you Neanderthal moron," at Mikey. Elispa says "I'm sorry. Can't we just be friends?" "Paris" says, "I think the evening's over." Elispa says, "No, really, we can be friends!" and "Paris" gets a pensive look on her face and says, "Hmmmm. No. I'll see you around." They kiss each other on the cheek, "Paris" shakes Mikey's hand, and then she's out the door, wiping the dust of this sad little cameo off her size-eleven supermodel feet. Defeated, Mikey decides to watch Sportscenter. Elispa is amazed he's not that bummed. Mikey says he was more into the idea of "Paris" than the actual person. Elispa says she can't believe "Paris" wanted her and not Mikey (way to be sensitive, Elispa). Mikey says he's not, that if he were a lesbian he'd want Elispa, or even if he weren't a lesbian, he'd want her. Elispa points out he's not a lesbian. Mikey says, "That's true." They turn and give each other "hmmm" looks.
Barto packs up and watches as the Ferret and her Furry Friends put her stuff in a cab and head for the airport.
All the gang, sans Barto, are in the airport. Gifts are handed around to the Ferret and hugs are exchanged. Elispa tells the Ferret to call them with any Leo sightings. Jill hugs her and tells her he's sorry about Barto, and the Ferret says, "Hey. Just don't." The Ferret heads for the plane when suddenly Barto comes running through the airport. He yells, "Audrey, wait!" and as he comes to a halt in front of her says, "I'm not letting you get on the plane until I tell you that I love you." "You told me. Thanks," snipes Audrey. Barto apologizes some more and explains that the way they've been dealing with their recent problems is by not dealing with it, and that it has to be all or nothing, because when it's not, he messes up. He says he loves her, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and that he wants to marry her, and that while he knows he can't expect an answer now, he wants her to know that every day he's going to be thinking about her and praying that she says yes. She gives him a little wordless Ferret glare and walks down the hallway to the plane. The Gang exchanges astonished looks. Somehow the attendant lets Barto by without a ticket and he follows Audrey for a few steps, as she walks away, crying. Fade out on Barto as he stands there, looking ineffectual. Back in the airport, the rest of the cast members are undoubtedly calling their agents as fast as they can, seeing if they can line up cameos on Roswell before that show gets cancelled too.