Previously: Jack jumps the "I love you," gun, Mikey and Elispa move in together. Jill tells Jack he feels pointless, and Jack and her enormous choppers tell him there's "nothing he can't do." Then they say I love you for real.
The Bachelor Shack. Jack and Jill are making out. Jack turns out the lights. Jill asks her to leave them on. Jack says why. I start to whistle the theme song from The Crying Game plays softly in the background. They argue for a while. The point is, Jill wants to see everything in the full operating room glare of his bedside lamp, while Jack is a big prude. Jill tries telling her she's beautiful but she's having none of it, so then he asks what is the problem she has with nakedness. Jack says she has a problem with nakedness and a hundred-watt bulb "working together, against me." Jack goes on to say she doesn't see the point of having the light on, since they know where everything is. She clicks off the light and then says, "Proceed. As usual." Then she sniffs real loud. Jill says, "I love it when you talk dirty."
Credits.
Some pretentious photography weenie wearing a billowing shirt and jeans worn in the European fashion with an earring and a beard is asking Jill's photography class what's interesting about a photograph of a man smoking to a large leaf. Jill, the big suck-ass, raises his hand and says that the part of the composition that's in the shadow is just as important as the part that's in the light. Pretentious Photography Teacher tells him exactamundo. Jill looks more enthralled than I've seen him all season. PPT tells them their assignments are due week.
Camera pans over some Ansel-Adams rip-off shots of cumulus and cirrus clouds. Jack tells Jill that the photos are "incredible," and that Jill has an eye, and this is what he is "meant to do." Now, it's very nice that Jack is being combination cheerleader/stage mom, but could she shut up for just one minute, since Jill's taken a few rolls of film, not exactly a whole portfolio? Jill says that it's been a hobby, and that he's lucky to get into this class, since the instructor has photos hanging in the Whitney. He then tells her they're doing nudes , and does she want to pose for him? Jack goes through some rhetorical bullshit, combined with Jill's wheedling, that adds up to a big "No." But of course she can't just say no, she has to spew out some bilious line about how she'd rather eat a large lunch and try on bikinis to Elle MacPherson under fluorescent lights. Now that's comedy, right there, kids. Remember it for later. Jack tells Jill to ask someone else. He asks, "Is Audrey home?" She oh-so-playfully pushes him. He walks away, muttering that maybe Mikey knows some models. Jack throws a pillow at him.
Elispa opens the door, wearing a bathrobe stolen from Yul Brenner's The King and I wardrobe. Jonathan enters. Mikey, revealing his frighteningly fleshless torso, six-pack in full evidence like some living, mentally-handicapped Gray's Anatomy diagram, swathes himself in a towel and greets Jonathan, who is clearly not pleased with a naked porn star wandering around his girlfriend's apartment. Mikey asks Jonathan if he wants some of Elispa's lasagna. Jonathan, filled to the rim with brimming Ike-Turner-ness, says no, they're about to go eat, while Mikey sings Elispa's praises some more: "She's a great cook. And she gets groceries. Don't know what I'd do without her." Well, Mikey, you could just move the hell back in with your parents, at a guess. Jonathan mutters something about Mikey putting on some clothes. Elispa sashays out, wearing the very latest in satin muu-muus, complete with bizarre white satin cover-up. Mikey tells her she's looking good. Elispa smacks one on Jonathan while Mikey hoovers up lasagna like it was his first meal since being released from a POW camp.
Outside, Jonathan asks, "Does he always eat dinner in a towel?" and Elispa quisps-a, "At least he's finally wearing one," and walks away. Jonathan stands there, looking rather amused, until Elispa, not realizing there is closed-captioning, shouts, "I'm kidding!" and grabs Jonathan so he can follow her, in case her blindingly shiny dress isn't enough of a beacon.
Ferretestarossa, wearing a large chenille bathmat, stands under an umbrella as Barto kisses her and babbles something about knowing that "Bernie didn't die of blah blah blah lungcakes" he died of something else and Barto knew it all along. By the way, Bernie is his cadaver. How whimsical and charming of him.
Jack enters the foyer of the Pheremone Phlats. A bob-haired vixen, wearing a midriff shirt -- of course, since the rainy season in New York is exactly the time when you want to expose your midriff to the elements -- is scanning the mailboxes. She asks Jack is she knows where David Jillefski lives. Amanda Peet, obviously fighting her way through the Nembutal fog that allows her to go to work on this show, takes a thousand years and several bizarre head movements to say that yes, she does, that he's her boyfriend. She leads the way to Jill's apartment, only to be confronted by dozens of nubile young things, obviously there for Jill's quest for a nude model. Jack busts in on their action and sits through the interview, with a woman who is about ten times more attractive than Amanda Peet. Jill and Mikey ogle "Natasha's" portfolio until Jack, unable to stand it any longer, goes out into the hell and tells all the prospectees that the tryouts are over, and to "eat something!" She then says she'll model for Jill. Mikey is heartbroken and yelps, "But can't we still interview?" and of course no one pays him any attention. Jack simpers and grins with no purpose.
In these scenes, Barto and the Ferretessa are standing outside a movie theater when some guy named Samuel has a heart attack and Barto tries to save him, and even the dying man asks Barto to save him, but the poor guy dies in Barto's arms. It's all very heart-rending and touching and very St. Elsewhere, and, as far as I can tell, a complete throwaway plot line that has no bearing on, continuity from, or relation to anything else in this piss-poor excuse of a television show.
Bachelors Arms. Jill asks Barto if he wants to talk about "Samuel's" death and tells him that there's nothing Barto could've done. Barto, being brusque and manly, mutters, "I'm sure there wasn't," and slams out. What a big MediDiva!
Jonathan hobbles out of Elispa's bedroom and Mikey, who is reading the paper, asks him if he wants the Sports or Arts section. Jonathan asks how far back Mikey and Elispa go. Mikey says, since sophomore year of college, when she started dating Jill. Jonathan then goes on to demonstrate the subtle and devious workings of his powers of manipulation when he asks Mikey if he's ever wanted to sleep with Elispa, since he [Jonathan] knows how these things go. Mikey, almost as disgusted by that question as I, sputters that Elispa is completely loyal, the most trustworthy person he knows, and that they are good friends. Jonathan replies that he just wants to make sure Mikey understands where he's coming from. Mikey replies that he does. Elispa comes out and exchanges fluids with Jonathan and they all pretend there's no seething hostility brewing under the crust of this Potpie of Trouble. Elispa, sensing something is wrong, asks Mikey, "Isn't he the best?" after Jonathan leaves. Mikey replies in the affirmative. I am pleased with the fact that Mikey handled himself in a fairly classy manner. I am also in shock at the fact that he can read.
Shot of rowboats in Central Park. The Three Stoogettes jog in place while the Ferret mutters, "I can't believe you burn more calories jogging this way." Two beats after that oh-so-seamless segue, Jack says she can't believe she's posing for Jill nude. They stop jogging in place and now jog with exaggerated motions down a path. Instead of having them jog in this moronic fashion, couldn't the women just have done some cool-down stretches, or, heck, even walking? More banal dialogue ensues about how scary it is to let someone see all of her that way; Elispa tells her she's brave, and our limber Ferret chirps, "I'd do it!" while the other two say, "Duh," meaning, "Of course you would, you tramp." By the way, if anyone didn't get it, Jack's the lovable, anal-retentive perfectionist, Elispa's the idealistic dreamer, and Audrey's the free-spirited slut. Everyone got that? Good. So Jack projects way, way, way into an alternate-universe future where she's "the Diane Sawyer," and Jill, hungry for cash, sells the photos to Chicks With Dicks -- oops, I mean, Penthouse. Elispa reminds her about what happened to Madonna, and tells Jack to shave her armpits. If I remember correctly, Madonna went on to become an international recording star, the most famous woman in the world, and now officially has more money than God. "Jack" should be so lucky. The Ferret looks grossed out by them. Someone with big lips and overly capped teeth asks Elispa how it is living with Mikey. It was probably Jack. Elispa says it's okay, that it's like sneaking into the base camp of the male psyche, and "I get to see all their secrets whether I want to or not." Elispa tells the gals that The Boyfriend and Mikey aren't getting along as well as she'd hoped.
Cut to Mikey and Jill walking up to Jill's apartment. Mikey asks if it's true that Jill's gonna photograph Jack naked. Jill corrects him: "Nude." Mikey says, in a burst of oratorical fluency that would do Cicero proud, "Nude, schmood, naked, schmaked." Jill asks Mikey how it is living with Elispa, and Mikey repeats Elispa's dialogue from the scene but in reverse, and then states that he doesn't care how women think; he just gets a headache trying. He then confides in Jill about Jonathan's venture out from Ike Turner land. Mikey asks if he should say something to The Lisp. Jill says he doesn't know. Mikey asks about Barto.
Cut to a bunch of med students and Barto gathered around Bernie, the cadaver, who is Tom Bosley, who was Mr. Cunningham in a TV incarnation. Small digression: wouldn't it have made more sense for the ghost of the guy that died in Barto's arms to haunt him, since it's actually "Samuel's" death that preys on him? And couldn't Tom Bosley just as easily have played that role, and thus this storyline would have made a teeny bit more sense? Just asking. Anyways, the voice of Tom Bosley says, "Wouldja look at that? A bunch of kids playing tiddlywinks with my internal organs." Barto freaks out. Tom Bosley points out that it's easy to play doctor on a dead guy, and that's it's much more challenging on a living, bleeding person. Barto runs to the bathroom. His fellow students look at him askance. Tom Bosley, festooned in requisite haunt-wear of pasty white makeup and hospital gown, says, "I'm still here!" and Barto freaks out some more. Barto says he knows Tom Bosley is a product of his stressed-out brain and would he please go away. Tom Bosley calls him "Doc" and says that's not a very nice way to talk to someone who donated his body to science. Barto points out he's not a doctor yet. TB says goody, there's still time to convince Barto to find a different profession, one that he can "hack." Geddit? Poor Tom Bosley. Apparently those Father Dowling Mysteries residuals aren't enough to cut it anymore. Barto mutters that he needs to find a good shrink. Some extra exits the john and says, "I'll say." Barto heads back to the surgery room. His fellow students ask if he's okay, giving each other the Rolling Eye of Doubt during Barto's affirmative reply.
"Jill Hefner" is readying his studio. He asks if Jack has her clothes off. She comes out in a bathrobe wrapped to her chin. Jack tries to get out of posing nude by offering to pose in swimsuits, or to let Jill do his abstract photography on her knee, or back, or both. Jill accurately ascertains that Jack doesn't want to do this. Jack says she does, and that she's been practicing in the shower. She then gives that endearing, goony grin of hers, the one that makes me want to smash my TV in with a brick. Jack decides to "work with the couch." She tries to drape herself seductively across the back of it, only to display that comic bombshell-ness of hers by falling off with a shriek. She stands up, defeated, and decides to disrobe, but keeps her arms firmly crossed over her breasts. Jill is frustrated. He asks if she could be a little more natural. Jack, Jill, and myself decide a glass of wine would help the proceedings along.
Later on, Jack reclines on the back of the sofa. Oh, will that wacky Jack never learn? She tells Jill that it's okay to show the photos, but only to his teacher and the other students, and that they can either see her, or the photos, but never both. "Kind of like Batman and Bruce Wayne," Jill says. "Egg-zackly," says Jack triumphantly. She falls off the sofa again. Jill goes to rescue her.
Elispa's and Mikey's flat. Mikey asks what Elispa's doing that night. She tells him she's going out with Jonathan. Mikey bobs his head. "You bobbed," Elispa shrieks, ascertaining something's bothering him. Mikey tells her he gets a weird vibe off of Jonathan, that Mikey thinks Jonathan's jealous. Elispa tells Mikey he's projecting, that it's obvious he sees the world through "Mikey-colored glasses" and that just because he couldn't hack it if HIS girlfriend was living with a guy is no reason to say Jonathan can't. Mikey says he doesn't want to interfere, especially after all the trouble he's given Elispa for doing the same, and then proceeds to do so anyway by telling Elispa he's her friend, and he DOES get a weird vibe off of Jonathan, so he wanted to let her know.
Pretentious photography teacher pulls Jill aside to tell him that his nude series of Jack was very good, and to ask what he titled it. "Ninety seconds of nudity," Jill blurts. The PPT flips through some standard Vogue-esque shots of Jack seated from behind and a close-up side profile, and tells Jill he's going to exhibit his piss-poor derivative photos in some weenie gallery owned by Jerry Filbert, although he expresses that in a more positive way than I am doing now. His good friend Jerry Filbert apparently agrees to exhibit some of the PPT's star students' photos in the a little room in the back. Where I come from, we call that little back room the adult-video section, but I'm quibbling. PPT tells Jill he'll "see him tonight." PPT walks off, and Jill has a huge moment of conscience and chases him down, only to see the PPT drive off in the back of a taxi.
Barto hustles down the apartment stairs only to run right past the Ferret of his dreams. She hollers his name and after he stops, she asks if he's okay. Barto whispers, "I think I'm losin' it," and runs out the door. The Ferret is stunned. Her eyes move from side to side to indicate this. She follows Barto and asks if he wants to talk about it. Barto says nay, he wants to forget all about it. The Ferret then offers a solution: to take a break from the city for a few days in the Berkshires. Then Tom Bosley appears behind Barto and says, "If only I were young and single and living." Barto whirls behind him, and then back to the Ferret. Caught between Scylla and Charybdis, he tells the Ferret they should get away from city. The Ferret is taken aback and says, "This is a first." Why yes it is, possibly because it's the first time you two have talked about going away together, but whatever. I'm not in the mood to nitpick. The Ferret tells Barto there's nothing he could've done. TB says, "Well, we don't know that, do we?" Barto says he needs a few moments alone. The Ferret says okay, and then, culling from her Big Book of Bob Marley Quotes Appropriate for Every Occasion says, "Everything's gonna be all right."
TB starts grilling Barto about why he wants to be a doctor, and Barto mutters something about his dad. TB sneers and says of course, but you never saw Daddy come home with blood on his hands, did you? TB then asks Barto if he thinks Samuel would've made it if Barto weren't so anxious to play doctor. I don't know about the sadistic side of Tom Bosley; I prefer my memories of him as the slightly irascible Mr. Cunningham. Barto says he doesn't know. TB says that's not the kind of confidence he looks for in a doctor. Barto turns around to reply, but TB is gone.
Jack is anally chopping vegetables. Jill tells her she won't believe what happened to him today. Jack starts to get excited. Jill tells her that Reiner took some of his photos over to Filbert's gallery. Jack realizes he means the nude photos. Anger-faces appear on her face. She gets very angry at the violation of her privacy. Jill protests that this is a big deal for him, and it's not like he's displaying her on the side of a bus. Jack gets angrier and Puts Her Foot Down, and says the thought of her nude self on display makes her uncomfortable, and she can't. Jill then confesses that they're already on display.
Camera pans down Toulouse-Lautrec print. Elispa and Jonathan are drinking wine. He tells her the wine is actually from some tiny vineyard in New Jersey. Elispa says, "I thought the only thing they planted in New Jersey was mob guys." My God, what a completely original joke, which manages to combine the heretofore uncombined elements of New Jersey and mob hits. Not. ["Yeah, in all of Jersey, not one green thing grows. Which is why they call it 'the Garden State.' Also, shut up, Elispa." -- Sars] Jonathan asks Elispa exactly how she ended up rooming with Mikey. Elispa explains the situation, and asks if Jonathan has a problem with it. Jonathan says he does, and that it's not ELISPA he doesn't trust, it's Mikey, and that Elispa has said that Mikey's the kind of guy who would do anything to get in a girl's pants, even if she's someone else's girlfriend. Elispa protests that Mikey is her friend. Jonathan tells her maybe she shouldn't walk around the apartment in her robe. (Because chenille is actually a potent aphrodisiac, sure to inspire sexual fantasies in anyone. That's REALLY Victoria's Secret.) Elispa is shocked. Jonathan says maybe they should drop it. Elispa says maybe they should.
The Bachelor Barn. Darts are being played, suckily. Jill whines to Mikey about how selfish Jack is being to deny him the big opportunity of displaying his photos in a gallery. Mikey says, "Dude, it's [sic] her nipples." Jill protests that they're not those kinds of photos. Mikey says, "It doesn't matter, it's her nipples. She doesn't want 'em up on a wall for the whole world to see." He pauses, then exhibits that lovable-rogue side to him that is merely one of many facets of his well-drawn and three-dimensional character, and says, "What gallery did you say they were at?" Jill gives him a disgusted look. Mikey smirks knowingly and says, "See? You don't even want me to see 'em! Imagine how she must feel!" Jill's blank facial expression obviously is meant to express total epiphany, because he starts muttering about how he blew it, and how he has to get the photos back. Barto storms into the apartment and passes by the two stooges with nary a word.
Ferret and Jack walk along, and basically they have the exact same conversation that Jill and Mikey had, but in reverse. The Ferret also points out that a) Jack hasn't seen the pictures yet, b) they're taken through the eyes of a man who loves her and who is very talented, and c) Jack is a prude. Jack realizes the error of her ways. Then the Ferret sums up the Barto situation for those of us who haven't been watching: guy dies in Barto's arms, Barto feels simultaneously guilty/shaky/unsure of medical future, Barto is wigging out, Barto has agreed to go to the Berkshires.
Melancholy Piano of Disillusionment plays as Barto wanders the city streets. He pauses outside what I am assuming is a hospital or his college, since several lab-coat-clad folk are about. He turns to see TB standing across the street, waving at him. A moment later TB is gone.
Oh goody, shots of the Ferret in Lycra (tm Tumbleweed) as Barto bangs on the window of her dance studio. She rushes outside to talk to him. Barto tells her he wants to leave for the Berkshires like, pronto, and that he needs a break, for maybe a semester, or a year. The Ferret points out that people die all the time. This is true. I am now pondering the unfairness that none of them are the characters on this show. Barto says that he knows that, but that he might not be able to deal with it on a daily basis. Ferret points her trembling, weaselly chin upward and says, "Barto, if you quit, there'll be a whole list of people you didn't save. Don't make this about you, make this about them." You know, maybe she is a good dancer, I'm no judge, but when it comes to rousing speeches, she's no Louis Ferret-khan. The Ferret points out that Barto is still learning, and that he should help out where he can, and that no one expects him to save that world. Barto, crying, says, "Yeah, but I would've liked to save that guy." The Ferret tells him it wasn't meant to be. Barto starts sobbing in earnest. It is painful to watch, because Justin Kirk is horrifyingly unattractive when he is trying to cry. ["As opposed to the rest of the time." -- Sars] The Ferret hugs him to her bony shoulder.
Jack rushes up to Jill outside the Filbert gallery and they have a very "Gift of the Magi" moment where he tells her he's going to get the photos back and Jack tells him he shouldn't, he says he should've asked her permission, and she says he should've, and she should've said yes, and she wants people to see how talented he is. Sappy banalities are exchanged. They enter the gallery. In yet another one of those hard-hitting exposés of the New York art scene, people are milling about looking at photos while drinking wine and eating hors d'oeuvres. Camera circles Jack and Jill as they wander around, bemused and excited. They wander into the "back room," only to find all the spaces above the "D. Jillefski" name plates blank. Jill introduces himself to Mr. Filbert, the gallery owner, who informs him that his work is "promising," and that the series was sold to a plastic surgeon. Jill starts to sputter an indignant sentence about "didn't talk about selling," when Jack slaps a hand to Jill's chest to shut him up and says, "How much?" to Mr. Filbert. Jack waggles her eyebrows. Jill grins.
Elispa and Mikey's. Elispa is tossing popcorn into her lips that have uttered only insipid words. Elispa tells Mikey he might be right about Jonathan, but that Jonathan might come to his senses and apologize. Mikey says he hopes so too, and that it's none of his business, but that he -- "Cares about me?" Elispa finishes for him. Mikey says now she'll never know if he was going to say it. Elispa says sure she does, and then tries to make him say it anyways. They start throwing handfuls of popcorn at each other. Awww. I haven't seen such a moving portrayal of human connection since Jack caught Chrissy in the shower in that one episode of Three's Company. Mikey says it's too late. They start chasing each other while throwing popcorn. What will those wacky kids do . There's a knock at the door, and Elispa opens it just as Mikey tosses a handful of popcorn. It's Jonathan. Mikey beats a hasty retreat. Elispa and Jonathan have a Serious Talk. Jonathan says he's sorry, and that his accusations are unwarranted and unfair. Elispa says she forgives him. Jonathan says he can't help it, that he wants Mikey or Elispa to move out, and that the relationship won't work otherwise. Elispa points out that he's making totally inappropriate demands on her. Then she says that at first she thought he wasn't the person she thought he was, but that maybe she never knew who he was, and that she was so desperate for someone that she created him "literally, out of thin air." Jonathan says, "I think you're overreacting." Elispa says, "I think you should leave," and I can't believe I'm saying this, but Word Booty to both those statements. Jonathan says, "I don't want to lose you," and Elispa chokes out, "You just did." Jonathan storms out. Elispa cries. Mikey runs down the stairs, and says, "Want me to beat him up?" He then sits with Elispa.
Barto wanders around the apartment. Jill opens the door, followed by Barto's dad. Barto looks mortified. Jill says, "I had to do something." Barto's dad asks if Barto's really thinking of quitting med school. Barto replies yeah, and that maybe it's not what he should be doing. Barto's dad launches into this long, boring anecdote about how during his internship in the ER, he misdiagnosed some guy's incipient heart attack as heart burn and indigestion, and the day that guy came in DOA. Ooops! Those wacky doctors! Barto's dad then gives him a rousing speech that consists of, "There are two kinds of doctors -- the kind that lose a patient, and the kind that will. What matters is that you learn [sic]." Well, golly gee, doesn't that warm the heart? I would kill, KILL, for a manipulative, saccharine, uplifting speech of the kind seen on ABC after-school specials like "Jimmy Can't Read." Barto's dad points out that part of being a doctor is failing, and that it is a privilege to be there with someone when they die, and that Barto might've helped Samuel more than he knew.
Student Surgery. TB asks Barto what that is in his body. Barto tells him it's his gall bladder. TB asks if he's sure. Barto's sure. His fellow students are sure he's crazy. And I'm SURE BORED OF THIS STORYLINE. Barto pulls TB aside and asks him what it's going to make him go away. TB says you know. Barto says he's not quitting -- not this time. So, we can assume that at the death, Barto would quit. Barto tells TB it's time for him to go. TB asks if he's sure. Barto says, "We're done with my head. Now it's time to move on to yours." What an immortal exit line, right up there with "Make my day," "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," and "Heeeey LAAAAADDDDDDIES!!!"
Tom Jones' version of "You Can Leave Your Hat On" plays as Jack walks into a posh surgeon's waiting room where the walls are lined with the framed photos of Jack's "Ninety Seconds of Nudity." She asks, "Nice artwork, huh?" while the surgeon's patients stare at her blankly.
The SAME SONG plays as the Ferret waits outside under an umbrella. Barto sneaks up on her. They make out after the Ferret admits that she came by to see if Barto was okay. He says he is, but that they can't make it to the Berkshires since he has to catch up on his schoolwork. The Ferret says that's the best possible news she could've heard. Barto, who was babbling something about "getting away after finals" pauses and says, "What did you say?" and the Ferret says, "I missed you," and Barto says, "I missed you, too," and they walk off into the rainy night together.
The episode ends exactly where it began. In HELL. Jack and Jill are making out on his bed, except this time Jill has his shirt off, and Jack lets him leave the lights on. Tom Jones keeps singing. Jill says, "You are so incredibly beautiful." "Oh, Jill," Jack simpers. "I don't care what anybody else says." "Very funny." Ha-ha! How can those crazy kids keep having sex when such witty repartee rolls off their tongues? It seems humanly impossible, almost.