Previously: Jill tells Jack that she’s his greatest wish and he’s gonna form a plan to win her, so she better get ready. Jack looks dumbfounded. A nation snores and rents When Harry Met Sally.
Close-up of parquet floor. US3’s "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" plays. Ferretina is in the middle of a pirouette or something. Hops and leaps are made. Dance moves are being funkified. Not. Ferretesta is wearing tight black Lycra pants (of course) and a grey tank top. Her hair is skinned back so severely my eyes water sympathetically. Ferretella continues to get her groove on. Hip gyration, body slaps, and loose arm movements are made. The dance scene continues waaaay past any point of relevance or interest. In a truly bizarre and sick move, Ferretorina opens her legs in a V and bends down to grab her ankles in a deep stretch. For some reason, the camera swivels upside down, too, and then we see Jack’s big woofly head saying, "Got a minute?" Ferretiva says, "Oh my God," and gets up. Camera swivels back up as she says this. I bet the director was high when he thought that would be a cool move for the camera. Ferretia asks what that was all about with Jill since she couldn’t hear through the door. Jack says, "He told me he wanted me and to be ready." Amanda Peet opens her eyes very wide at regular intervals during this sequence to express astonishment. Ferretaria makes "aaand?" gestures and Jack says, "Well, there was more." Jack asks what she should do. Ferretona asks Jack what she feels. For some reason Audrey is allowed to talk to Jack while the rest of the "dance troupe" goes on rehearsing. Jack starts shouting. She shouts that she has a boyfriend, that people shouldn’t walk into your apartment and start saying crazy things, and Audrey quite rightly interjects that she didn’t ask what Jack thought, she asked what she felt. Jack, in her adorable "I am a rip-off of Sally Albright in When Harry Met Sally and Holly Hunter’s character in Broadcast News" mode, takes out a piece of paper on which she’s made a list. It’s a pros and cons list. She lists all of Matt’s good qualities, which include his ambition, his suit-ownage, and that they think alike. She lists Jill’s good qualities, which include good lips and major chemistry, but his cons are that he’s jobless and wears hats. When did my mother get a job writing for third-tier TV shows? Ferretovia points out that not one feeling is on the list. Jack starts to lose it. She says she feels sick, dizzy, and "PSYCHOTIC!" Audrey says they’re getting somewhere. Jack slumps her big, sun-damaged head of hair onto Ferreterra’s sweaty chest. Yuck.
Credits. Did you guys know she didn’t know the truth about Ro-oooOOH-meo?
Cue the Three Stooges on exercise bikes at the gym. From left to right, it’s Barto, Mikey, and Jill. A Lycra-clad torso walks by and they all eye her. This scene, in my opinion, is a total rip-off of the Martin Lawrence, David Alan Grier, and Eddie Murphy gym scene in Boomerang, except that those guys were funny. Barto asks Jill what’s in the plan. Jill says "stay sharp, get in shape, get a job." Mikey says Jill doesn’t have a plan. Jill protests that he does, he’s smoothing out the edges. Barto points out that Jack has a boyfriend. Mikey asks if there’s a name for Jill’s condition and Barto dryly diagnoses him as delusional. Jill walks off. Mikey and Barto continue biking, and Mikey says Jill might have a shot, crazy as he sounds. Yeah. A shot at being a big gym queen. Anyways, Mikey says he knows women. Then he eyes some other torso. Barto tells Mikey he’s "remedial" at knowing what goes on in women’s heads. Mikey says he chooses not to be in a relationship because he doesn’t want one, not because he can’t. Barto says au contraire. Mikey eyes another torso walking by and asks how long it has to be to count as a relationship. Barto says longer than a workout, then informs Mikey that women can tell he’s a playa and that’s all he’s good for. Mikey looks puzzled, then sort of confused and hurt. Barto, for some bizarre reason, starts biking super-fast and hunches over the handle bars. He bares his teeth like a rabid dog. Mikey looks at him.
scene, Jill at the job counselor’s (played by someone who’s a perfect candidate for Fametracker’s "Hey! It’s That Guy!") Jill is looking very ’70s Calvin Klein in a black turtleneck. The counselor asks Jill where he sees himself in five years. Jill goes into his "I’m charming and whimsical and neurotic" shtick and says living with the woman of his dreams, maybe married, maybe with kids. The counselor points out he’s not a dating service. Jill starts rambling that he doesn’t even know how Jack feels about kids, or how she feels about him. The counselor says he’s only known Jill two minutes but he could venture a guess. They go over Jill’s curriculum vitae, which includes a double major in design and engineering.
Pardon me.
BWWAAAAAH-HAAA-HAAA as if!
So the counselor says that it’s an interesting background, very yin and yang. (Um, not really, since having a sense of how things are structured is pretty elemental to design, you meathead WB writers) and Jill says yeah, that opposites attracting is what keeps things interesting. The counselor levels a severe look at him and says, "I’m divorced," and I have no IDEA why he would say that unless he thought Jill was coming on to him, and then Jill double-takes and asks if he doesn’t mind, but maybe they could concentrate on his résumé and not talk personal stuff. The counselor makes a face. See what they did there? Turning the tables and all with Jill talking about his personal life then getting freaked out when the counselor did the same? Words fail to describe the painful unfunniness and lack of comic timing in that scene.
Very extreme close-up of Jack sucking on a straw. Jack and Anchormatt are sitting on a bench. She’s lost in thought. Anchormatt calls her name a few times and tells her he got the job in DC. She expresses joy and says she is proud of him. He says the two of them will "figure it out." They hug as Amanda Peet tries really, really hard to look pensive over his shoulder.
Close up of Ty Nant bottle as Mikey pours a glass for Elispa. Oddly enough, the camera pans up Elispa either doing her monthly breast self-exam or making sure her clavicles are still there. Mikey asks Elispa how she thinks women perceive him. Elispa asks if he means the usual dunderheads he goes out with. Mikey says nay, he means a normal girl like her. I pass on the potential joke here. Elispa protests, but finally says that when girls look at Mikey they see a dumb ex-porn star. Damn! In reality, she says they see Mr. Right Now. Mikey asks why. Elispa just says it’s because he’s that kind of guy, and it seems to be what he wants at this point in his life.
Belinda, the plot device from four or so episodes ago, pops up to collect her last check. She’s wearing a coat and hat ripped off from Molly Ringwald’s wardrobe in Pretty in Pink and looks like a mutated, very un-cute version of Joey Lauren Adams. Mikey and Belinda chit-chat, and she says it was a good thing he fired her, because she’s doing art again. Mikey says, "Who’s Art?" I didn’t make that up. He really said that. Belinda giggles like a chloroformed moron. Elispa laughs, I hope in disbelief. Anyways, Mikey asks if the Poor Man’s Joey Lauren Adams still has a boyfriend, and she opens her big, moronic mouth and bobs and weaves side to side in a way that indicates she’s taken boxing lessons, and essentially we get the idea that Mikey and Belinda are gonna do it and that, post-gym conversation, Mikey is determined to make this one fit the criteria of a relationship. Elispa leaves.
Jonathan brings over a bowl of grapes to the bed and feeds them to Elispa. Elispa inhales at the wrong moment and starts choking. The grape cuts off the air to her trachea, and she dies a horrible convulsive death, causing Jonathan to plunge into unshakeable grief and vow never to pick up the guitar again. Damn. What actually happens is that Elispa asks why they’re not hanging with Jonathan’s friends tonight. Jonathan says he canceled, he wanted her all to himself. Elispa says that his friends haven’t seen him with anyone since Amy. And that she understands. Jonathan smiles wanly and says he still wants her all to himself. Elispa wiffles and waffles and finally asks to see some pictures of Amy. Jonathan asks what all sixty-four TV viewers want to know: "Why?" Elispa says she wants to see Amy since she was a part of who Jonathan is. Jonathan goes get some photos from the nightstand. Elispa says Amy’s pretty and asked where the photo, of Jonathan and Amy in a rowboat, was taken. Jonathan says Amy’s parents’ cabin and tells some charming story about capsizing rowboats, yappy yappy yap yap. Elispa asks if he keeps in touch with Amy’s parents. Jonathan says no, and that it sounds strange, but that sharing a huge loss doesn’t mean they survive it the same way, and that Amy was his wife, but that she was their daughter (really? and what color is the sky today?) and that maybe they can’t possibly survive it. He raises his eyebrows in an ostensibly endearing manner and says, "But, I have to, and I’m going to." Then he kisses Elispa’s hands. Elispa says she wants them to be able to talk about things, and doesn't want anything to be taboo. Jonathan looks gaseous, but then he manages a semi-charming grin and says, "That sounds good to me," and then translates that into foreplay.
Close-up of keys on a hula-girl keychain. Just as the keys go in a door, the door gets yanked open, and Barto yells in surprise as Jill hops out the door and yaps about how part of the plan is checking in with Jack, and that he doesn’t want to stalk, but he’s gotta keep tabs on where he stands.
The Ferretorium. Jack is chopping vegetables. Jill knocks and enters. Jill asks if Jack’s told Matt yet, and he hovers over her as she moves around the kitchen in the Eternal Mating Dance of invading another’s personal space. Jack says she has no reason to tell Matt, since she’s happy with Matt. Jill says he could make her happier. Jack says he doesn’t know that. Jill says she doesn’t know that. Jack tells Jill that Matt got the job in DC, and Jill says too gladly, "He did?" Jack says not to sound happy, that she’s "vewy sad" and she doesn’t know what’s going to happen. Jill says something in a seductive whisper that I couldn’t hear; then Jack, her voice rising a register, says to stop it, and that he can’t do this to her, and Jill tries to play innocent. Jill says he’s sorry and won’t do it anymore, with a boyishly charming grin, but he just can’t help it. He opens the door as he says the last line, just when Anchormatt walks up. Anchormatt says, "Can’t help what?" and Jack says, "Nothing."
Anchormatt tells Jack he has an "assignment" for her. Jill hovers over his shoulder. Anchormatt looks at him, annoyed. Jill says, "Oh!" and then oh-so-cleverly shuts the door and continues listening. Anchormatt, trying to ignore him says, "Like I said, this is about us," and then tells Jack that the network in DC needs an associate producer and that he told them about Jack, and they want to meet her tomorrow. They hug and Jack makes meaningful eyes at Jill over Anchormatt’s shoulder. "I don’t know what to say," she baby-whispers. Anchormatt says to just go see what the interview is like and then they’ll talk. Jill looks thunderstruck, or as close as he can get to thunderstruck. Jack and Anchormatt grin at each other with their scary, Chiclet-white teeth. They kiss; then slightly smarmily, Anchormatt turns and says, "Oh hey, Jill, I’m sorry, how are you doing?" Jill says good, and looks thoughtful. Jack looks pensive. Okay, not really, they stand there and make their eyes really big and bite their lips, hoping people will read those expressions into their big, blank pusses.
"Sex and Candy" plays as the camera pans over strewn clothes on the floor. Belinda spoons Mikey on terrible, bright-purple sheets. Extreme close-up of Mikey’s horrified face. He eases out from under Belinda’s arm, wearing extremely gross boxers. Belinda wakes up just as he’s about to make his getaway and grabs the waistband, exposing far more of Simon Rex’s butt than anyone would ever want to see. Ever. Also, Simon Rex waxes his chest. Mikey knocks over stuff. Belinda asks if he’s going somewhere. Mikey says he didn’t want to wake her, and that he should go before her roommate gets back. Belinda says she’s out of town. Belinda is wearing an oversize pajama top and has her hair up in histrionic ponytails. Mikey tries to get out of staying by saying he’s gotta meet the guys and Belinda probably has to get to work. Belinda reminds him that he fired her. Mikey tries to cover by saying that their time together was fun, and they should do it again sometime. Belinda says, "How about now?" Belinda says Mikey’s one of those guys who can’t deal with whole morning-after thing and that it’s so cute, while Mikey protests that he can, too; Belinda says no he can’t, and Mikey says of course he can, and that he knows that people get up the morning after and they hang out for like an "hour or something," and Belinda says, even longer, and Mikey’s been officially double-dog-dared into staying, but instead he looks like a hunted animal.
Jill drafting at his table. He watches Jack below frantically hailing a cab, and then the writers, cribbing from Broadcast News again, have Jack giving detailed, anal-retentive directions to the cab driver. Guess what? I saw Holly Hunter do this role, and she was pretty damn good in it. So let’s trying something else, folks. Jill looks hangdog and smiles. Barto appears and asks where Jack’s going. Jill says, "Washington," then gets his coat. Barto asks where he’s going. Jill says that desperate times call for desperate measures. Barto remembers what the writers cannot, that the show is supposed to be set in Manhattan in the winter, and belatedly shuts the wide-open window and shivers.
Anchormatt crumples a large piece of paper marked with what looks like Rorschach ink blots. Jill appears and says howdy. Anchormatt says howdy and that Jack’s not there. Jill says huskily that he knows and that he actually wants to speak to Anchormatt because he’s been watching him from afar and has a terrible case of the screaming thigh sweats for him. Damn. What actually happens is that Jill says he has to talk to Anchormatt, and that he thought he should let him know, in case Anchormatt found out through other channels, that he, Jill, intends to be with Jack, and that they were meant to be, since they’ve been on a collision course since day one, and that the gentlemanly thing to do is to let Anchormatt know his intentions. Anchormatt asks if Jill is staking a claim, and wants to duel or joust for her affections. Jill says it’s nothing against Anchormatt. Anchormatt asks if Jill’s told Jack. Jill says yes, but that it hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Anchormatt then says, "Listen pal, I don’t know what’s going through your head right now, but I can assure you it’s not going on in Jack’s big, empty skull." I mean, he says, "It’s sure not going on in hers." Jill says, "We’ll see," and purses his lips. Then they stare at each other challengingly. Then he and Anchormatt make out. Damn. No, Jill just leaves as Anchormatt stares at him in disbelief.
Jonathan and Elispa are at Max’s, talking to a woman and a guy who looks scarily like a young Jack Nicholson/Joker from Batman only sans Kabuki makeup. They’re telling Elispa how they’ve known Jonathan since eighth grade and how they had a terrible garage band together. They gossip about their old lead singer Juliette who never got past her "Like a Virgin" stage, and Joker-boy asks Jonathan if he doesn’t remember that they bumped into her boyfriend, and the woman chimes in that it was when Amy got them lost, then they all fall silent, obviously very uncomfortable. The woman whispers, "Sorry." Jonathan smiles understandingly. Then Elispa opens her big, dumb, idiot mouth and says, "It’s okay, you guys can talk about Amy in front of me," although the woman was probably saying "sorry" TO JONATHAN since it was HIS wife that died, but that detail doesn’t halt Elispa’s runaway train of narcissism, and she continues to shove her foot so far in her mouth that it ends up in her large intestine by saying, "Really. Jonathan and I are totally okay with it. Right?" then touches Jonathan’s face. Jonathan looks grim but stoic. The friends look horrified and offended. Elispa tries to start a conversation by saying, "So, Amy was really bad with directions, huh?" and the awkward silence thickens to the point where you could add flour and make it into a stew.
Big, amber waves of grain appear -- oh wait, that’s Amanda Peet’s hair -- it’s Jack, walking towards a crowded elevator. She and Anchormatt have a hurried conversation and he tells her they loved her in DC, and Jack says she hopes so. Jack asks how Anchormatt’s day went. He lists a bunch of stuff about meetings and canceled appointments and that Jill came to see him. Jack says, "Kind of buried the lead there," demonstrating the incredible verisimilitude and workplace know-how the WB writers have grown so clever at weaving into the taut, aerodynamic storyline of this show. Anchormatt then fills Jack in on what Jill told him. Jack says she can’t believe it. Anchormatt says he couldn’t either, and asks her if he has anything to worry about. Jack says, "No -- not at all," super-emphatically, and backs it up by grinning so widely she might unzip the top of her head. The elevator closes.
Angry Jack, breathing through nostrils the size of the Half Dome, shows up at Jill’s, her hair almost as agitated as her acting. "What were you thinking?" she says as she storms in. Jill asks if she wants coffee, she screeches no, and then Jill says caffeine probably isn’t the best idea for her right now. Jack asks where Jill gets off telling Anchormatt that she belongs with him, as if he were laying claim to a piece of property. Jill says that wasn’t what he was doing. Jack says he shouldn’t have done that, that it’s her decision and her life, and that he has to stop. Jill, voice cracking, says that he can’t stop, that he can’t risk not doing the one thing that will keep her there, and that he doesn’t know what the one thing is, and that he’s gotta keep doing everything. Three words for you: No. Body. Cares.
Jack says, "Well, I’m just --" Jill interrupts her and says, "Scared. I know. I’m scared you’re going to leave New York, I’m scared that I’m never going to see you again, I’m scared that for the rest of my life I’m going to be comparing every woman I meet to you [and realizing that, indeed, you did have a Y chromosome]." Jack says, "God, you’ve gotten so dramatic lately." They stare at each other intently. Jill double-dog-dares Jack to tell him, to his face, that she doesn’t feel it, too, and if she can tell him that to his face he’ll never bother her again, but that if she doesn’t say anything, he’s going to kiss her. All across America, young women swoon. Not. Jack says nothing and breathes really heavily. Jill kisses her. Thankfully, the smacking is not audible. MBTV shout-out? Hmmm . . . So they keep kissing. Jill breaks away and says that it’s wrong, that he wants her "so bad," but that they can’t start like that. Jill leaves the apartment. Jack looks confused. Her hair looks like someone taped big dried corn husks to her head.
In the hall, Jill stands and stares at the door. Jack peers through the peephole, clutching her belongings. Jill remembers that he is supposed to be attracted to girls and breathes heavily as if he was excited by that make-out session, wipes his mouth, and walks down the hall. Tinkling, charming piano plays in the background.
Jill and Barto, eating breakfast. Jill says walking out the door on Jack is the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. Barto says it’s probably the dumbest. Jill says it’s not about sex, although he hopes one day that it will include sex. Mikey comes sidling up and announces that he slept over and did the whole morning-after-sex thing with Belinda, and that he made a second date even before the first one was over, and that he might even call her before that, just to say hi, without waiting four days. Then he crams some of Barto’s bagel in his gaping maw. Jill looks confused. Barto explains, "Mikey’s trying to prove to me that he’s capable of lasting commitment." Mikey says he’s not trying to prove anything. Barto asks if he’s really into her. Mikey's says, after a big pause, "Yeah." Jill wonders aloud if Matt will take everything okay.
Ferretopia and Jack wander the streets of So Not New York (tm Tumbleweed) as Jack says she’s a horrible person, because for one indescribable moment she totally forgot about Matt. Ferretellerina says she didn’t. Jack goes on to say she did forget, but Jill didn’t, and how many guys are like that. Ferretamania says, "One," and Jack says, "I know," but that Matt is doing everything to make this work, and that he got her an interview in DC, and how many guys would do that, and why is everyone being so nice to her. God knows I have idea why. Ferretatta says dryly, "One of life’s little mysteries," and I hate to say this, but Ferretatta is sort of starting to grow on me, in that I despise her less than any other person on this show. Ferretiva asks, "So now what are you feeling?" as Jack pauses and digs change out of her pocket. Ferretarantella says, "You’ve got to be kidding me," as Jack says determinedly, her jaw jutting out so far that it could shelter small children from rain, "Heads Matt, tails Jill." Ferretastic asks if she’s really going to flip for it, and Jack says, over-enunciating every syllable, that she’s just curious to see what the coin thinks. She flips the coin and grabs it. She mutters, "Speak to me," to the coin. Ferretiepelo makes "I can’t believe you" faces, and Jack agrees that it was a dumb idea, and that when she sees Matt she’ll know. Ferretana asks if she can see the coin, and Jack opens her hand so only Ferreterra can see it. Ferretiminia says, "Huh!" and look surprised, and grins devilishly at Jack, who is obviously dying to know which it was.
Jack spies on Matt and his pock-marked jawline from behind the video library stacks. Anchormatt says hi. Jack says hey and squints at him, taking his measure. He asks if she’s okay. She says yeah. He says he knows what’s bothering her. She says, surprised, "You do?" Anchormatt says he knows Jack just got settled in New York, that she has friends, and that it’s tough to think of moving again, and that he doesn’t want to pressure her, and that if that means a long-distance relationship, that’s what they’ll do. Jack says he’s amazing and he always makes sense. Anchormatt makes a little "yeah, I’m pretty fly" moue.
Elispa and Jonathan walk down a nighttime street. The Guitar of Discord strums in the background. Elispa asks, "So Nick and Jane aren’t coming to the movie?" Jonathan says they had to cancel. Elispa asks why. Jonathan is wearing a weird brown anorak that is about four sizes too big for him and looks like the shiny carapace of a cockroach. Elispa wears the other Molly Ringwald castoffs that Belinda didn’t get hold of, plus a hat she obviously stole from Paddington Bear (tm the Jack & Jill forum regulars). She asks if it’s because of her. Jonathan turns and says that, well, she wanted them to be honest, and that Elispa made them uncomfortable. Disbelievingly, Elispa says, "I made them uncomfortable?" Jonathan says that they don’t even know her yet, and that she’s telling them that it’s okay to talk about -- he pauses over her name, and Elispa says, "Amy," and that she just wants to get it out in the open, that Amy’s with all of them whatever they do, and that it’s inevitable and understandable, and why can’t they just deal with it? Jonathan rightfully points out that it’s not her thing to deal with, and that it’s not her call to decide when they deal with it. Big close-up of Elispa in her dumb Paddington hat and her unnaturally orange and glossy lips. She says, "I’m sorry -- I guess I overstepped my bounds." Jonathan looks uncomfortable. I for one am glad he finally stepped to it and told the twerp off. Jeez, what some people will put up with for some nookie! Elispa wanders off, and Jonathan calls after her. She continues down the street.
Okay, what happens took me about three tries to recap, because it was one of those scenes that is so horrifically stupid, painful, and embarrassing that you actually feel ashamed on behalf of the actors that had to perform in something so unbelievably idiotic. I’m sorry that it’s written in run-on sentences, but it was like swallowing bad medicine -- a task to be gotten over as quickly as possible.
Okay, so Belinda and Mikey are grinding away on her hideous purple sheets. She’s on top, wearing this bright blue-and-yellow-trimmed tank and bikini-brief set that makes her look about twelve. She sits astride him, then giggling, says, "Wait -- I know," and reaches for a bottle of chocolate syrup and draws a happy face on Mikey’s waxed stomach and chest, and sixty-four viewers across the land cringe in horror. She giggles like she’s snorted a tank of nitrous oxide, while Mikey looks vaguely uncomfortable and like he wishes he was elsewhere. She starts to lick the happy face off of him. My gag reflex kicks in. Mikey looks incredibly uncomfortable and says, "Heh-heh," a few times. Then he says, "Belinda?" and she says, "Hmm?" as she looks up with chocolate syrup all over her chin and blocking out one tooth, and Mikey says he’s feeling a little sticky, and Belinda tells him to relax and starts kissing him again. Mikey looks totally freakified and asks, "Can’t we just do it regular?" and Belinda looks up, coated in chocolate syrup, and tells him, fine, why doesn’t he go into the kitchen and get something he likes, and happily granted a reprieve, Mikey wanders into the kitchen.
Mikey, a half-erased chocolate smiley face on his stomach, opens the fridge and says, "Geez, you eat a lot of health foods," and asks if there’s anything good in the kitchen, and a sultry voice says, "I’d say so," where he encounters La Roommate de Belinda, a.k.a. the actress Angela Featherstone, who was in The Wedding Singer and 200 Cigarettes, and who obviously has some bills to pay. She gives Mikey the ol’ up-and-down with her enormous twitchy blue eyes. He introduces himself, twice. "Lucy" introduces herself and does the Big Eyes, Shoulder Rolls, and Head Bobs of Seduction at him, all which work to their desired effect. Belinda hollers for him. Mikey gives a "what can I do?" shrug as he looks down at the remnants of his Feast of Love on his stomach.
Jack gets her mail out, as Jill enters the building. He asks what happened with Matt. Jack says nothing. Jill says, "You didn’t break up with him?" especially "after last night." Jack says last night was an impulse, and Jill says it was based on feeling, and Jack says that he has to stop acting like he can ride up on a horse and carriage and sweep her off her feet, that he can’t just do that, and that it’s more complicated than that. Jill says that Anchormatt’s not the one for her. Jack says maybe he is, and maybe he isn’t, but that Anchormatt’s been nothing but amazing to her, and she can’t bail on him just because of Jill. Jill says that he knows all this, but he didn’t think that the choice would be so difficult for her, and that if it is, maybe he’s wrong about everything, and that he’s gonna make it easier. Jack tries to look longing and woeful, but looks like a hound dog instead. Jill runs up the stairs.
Ferretorium. La Regina della Ferretti and Jack sit on the couch and Ferreteria says, "And then there was one," and Jack says she’s relieved, right? Then Ferreterooney makes a therapy crack and says she’d ask Jack about her feelings, but she knows how that stumps Jack, and then they joshingly hit each other with their elbows. Door knocks. It’s Anchormatt, and Ferretola Khomeini says, "Huh," her mouth wide open, wearing so much lip gloss it looks like she ate a pork chop without her hands. Anchormatt tells Jack they need to talk. Jack says okay. Anchormatt says he turned down the job in DC, and although he’s now at the point in his career where he’s choosing assignments rather than taking grunt work, he doesn’t care, and it’s because of Jack, and that there’s plenty of work in New York, and Washington’s not going anywhere, and that Jack should move in with him. He tells her not to answer yet, and to think about it. Jack looks delighted. So do her enormous choppers.
Oh, goody, it’s more Ferret Flashdance! (tm the Jack & Jill forum regulars) Ferretrovia is dancing in a brown turtleneck. Just as she goes into a deep back-bendy thing, Jack’s big head appears and tells her there’s one more problem. Ferretivia puts her foot down and says there will be no more problems. Jack yaps for a bit about the big kiss between her and Jill, and says that she should tell Matt about it. Ferretora tells her there’s no reason to tell Matt and Jack says yes there is, that she cheated on him. Ferretammina points out that kissing is not exactly cheating and Jack says yes it is, that it’s the most intimate thing you can do, and that prostitutes don’t do it for that very reason, and Ferretora points out that Jack is not a prostitute and that she is never to be allowed to watch Pretty Woman again, and I have to admit I laughed at that. Ferretegna tells her, quite rightfully, that there are some things she has to keep to herself, and goes back to the dance floor, and Jack hollers, "You’re right."
Gym. Barto and Jill on matching treadmills. Barto informs Jill that he heard via Audrey that Anchormatt turned down some big job offer to stay in NYC and that he asked Jack to move in with him, at which news Jill slides off his treadmill. Barto keeps running.
Anchormatt and Jack meet in the park and hug, and Jack says they have to wait until Audrey can find another roommate, and that she hates his plates and the apartment’s paint job. Then they kiss. Amanda Peet’s teeth are so enormous in these scene they look like icebergs. Jack then drops the bomb that she and Jill kissed, but prefaces the bomb by saying she "just wanted to clear the air about something," but that nothing happened. Anchormatt gets a little peeved and asks for kiss details, then asks why she’s telling him this now. Jack says, unconvincingly, that they have to start clean. He says that now he has to be honest with her, and stalks away. Jack looks sad.
Ferretopia. La Ferretia des Las Ferretias and Jack sit on the couch; both have their chins on their hands. Ferretorina says, "And then there were none. Dare I ask how you feel?" in a tone as tart as straight lemon juice. There’s a knock at the door. Jack rushes up to get it. Ferretiola says, "Wait wait wait! Who are you hoping it is?" Jack says, "What did the coin say?" Audrey makes a little, "I ain’t telling, ha-ha" gesture, and Jack makes a "screw you" face and goes to open the door. It’s Barto. Audrey laughs and says, "I was hoping it was you," and grabs her stuff and leaps into Barto’s arms. Barto has the most well-manicured eyebrows I’ve seen outside of Joel Gray in Cabaret.
Meaningful Joe Cocker-esque wailing throughout the following montage of shots: Jack watches out her window. Jill walks in the snow. Barto and Audrey walk down the street in love. Jill looks disconsolate. Elispa looks disconsolate and is wearing more wardrobe items she ripped off of Paddington Bear, and the poor man’s Joe Cocker wails, "Have a little faith in me."
Jill and Elispa run into each other and have awkward "we’re over each other" small talk. They fill each other in on their lives. Or rather, Jill babbles about his life, that he told Jack how he felt about her, and asks Elispa if it’s weird to discuss Jack with her. Then he tells Elispa he asked Jack to make a decision, and Elispa gives him some incredibly dumb homily about how the horse race isn’t over until the last horse crosses the finish line. She goes on to say she knows Jack and Jill both really well and that Jill shouldn’t give up. Jill kisses her on the cheek and mouths, "Thank you." Elispa nods.
@Bar. Barto asks Mikey if he’s still into Belinda. Mikey unconvincingly says yes. Barto says, "I knew it, she’s toast," and goes on about how Belinda was another pit stop on Mikey Russo’s "road to wherever the hell it is you’re going." Firstly, Belinda wasn’t a pit-stop, she was a freaking seven-car pile-up, and secondly, Barto is tripping over his big fat nose as it pokes into Mikey’s business, since so far as I can tell Mikey has never asked for any advice on his life nor expressed any dissatisfaction with it, so really, he should just tell Barto to take his smug self-righteousness and shove it. In my opinion. But Barto then lists all the reasons Mikey might not like her, which are trivial. Right at that moment, Lucy walks up. Mikey says delightedly, "Lucy, hey!" and then spots Belinda and says with false cheer, "Beliiinda, hey," and Belinda hurls herself into his arms and knocks some pretzels into Barto’s lap. If only it had been scalding hot water. It seems Lucy and Belinda are off to adopt a pet. Belinda asks what Mikey prefers, a dog or cat. Lucy mutters that Mikey will say dog, Mikey says why, Lucy and Mikey go into the "dogs are big slobbery dumb messes vs. cats are cold, annoying, and fussy" debate that are demonstrate that these two complete opposites are just destined to attract. Barto watches interestedly. Belinda says that she likes dogs! And Lucy says that they belong together. Awkward glances all around; Barto looks delighted.
Elispa comes up behind Jonathan on a snowy street and says that he was right, it wasn’t her place to talk about Amy, and his history with Amy is complicated and threatening to her, and she just likes everything to be "a huge, pillowback couch" (????), and she just wants everything to be comfortable, even when it doesn’t have to be. Jonathan points out that maybe she was trying to accelerate events faster than they should’ve been accelerated, although he says it in a much more grammatically fucked-up way. Elispa says she’s sorry again, he tells her not to be, that it’s new to both of them, and that he’s not giving up. "Me neither," Elispa says, then they kiss.
A snowy taxi pulls up to Jack’s signal. Just as she opens the door of the cab, Anchormatt gets out. She tells him she was going to go home for a couple of days. She asks the cab to hold on a sec, as Anchormatt pulls her aside and tells her he overreacted, he’s sorry, and he didn’t understand that she and Jill had unfinished business, and because Jack was so understanding about his [Anchormatt’s] unfinished business, the least he can do is trust her, and if she says it’s over, that’s good enough for him. Jack looks delighted. Anchormatt’s gaze looks over her head to Jill, pulling up alongside them in a horse and carriage. Anchormatt looks disbelieving yet amused. Jack looks like a dog just doodied on her shoe. Jill says, "So I said I would make it easier on you. So I lied," and goes on to say that Jack’s choice shouldn’t be easy or necessarily make sense, which is why he’s on a horse. Anchormatt asks if he’s lost his mind. Jill says yes, and that he’s trying to get Jack to do the same, and grins at Jack. Anchormatt looks at her. "Whaddya say, Jack?" says Jill. "Yeah, Jack," says Anchormatt. She looks between the two, trying to look torn and romantic, but instead looking mentally handicapped.
episode: we get to find out who Jack chooses, Scylla or Charybdis.