Episode Report Card Tumbleweed: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bad Timing And Dirty Laundry
By Tumbleweed | Season 1 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.15.2000
After a blistering bout of tantric sex that thankfully occurred off-camera, Barto puts his pants on -- but not before we get another gratuitous, uncalled-for shot of his boxers. Evidently Justin Kirk's career is sponsored by Jockey -- and it shows. Ferret-Face lies dormant in her burrow. Sensing movement, she asks Barto what time it is. "Noon," he says, slipping under the cedar shavings for another sick-making snuggle-fest, though he claims he has "anatomy lab in twenty-five minutes." Isn't that a little redundant at this point, Dr. Deepak Grope-ra? And don't you need a veterinary degree to study that kind of anatomy? I'm just asking. Ferret-Face coos that she "only [needs] half that," proving that she is approximately 1/35th the woman Trudie Styler is. "Where did you come from?" Barto asks, though he could just as easily check her tag. "Downstairs," she responds, going at him like a dental drill. Barto disentangles himself for class and Audrey asks if they still have plans for the next night. "I got [sic] study group," Barto says, somewhat furtively. Just after he leaves, the phone rings and the answering machine picks up, revealing that Barto's parents have invited him to dinner plus one, "but Constance is still waiting to see how many people to set for." Ferret-Face scurries to the phone in the patented sex-kitten uniform of a man's unbuttoned oxford, her pointy little features contorted with astonishment. Back at the Habitrail Hideout, Ferret-Face is grousing about Barto's non-invitation while Jack folds laundry and Elispa tries on clothes for her Mystery Date. "He obviously doesn't want me to meet his parents," she says. Our ferret friend had better wake up and smell the bitter brew that it's the rare man who's eager to confront his parents with news of his interspecies love connection. Jack feebly defends Barto before admitting that it "doesn't look good." Elispa flounces into the room holding a black strapless something-or-other and asks, "Can I pull this off? I mean, what kind of pants would you wear with this?" Ferret says, "Okay, it's a dress," in a double-duh tone of voice. Shocked, Elispa goes back to the drawing board. Seeing as her current costume includes a scoop-necked leotard, orange crocheted sweater and military fatigues, we can safely assume that sartorial success will not be hers tonight. Jack suggests that Ferret-Face just ask Barto about the dinner, but FF objects that "that would just put him on the spot, and he obviously doesn't think we're at the point yet where we should meet each other's parents." Elispa returns in her turbo-frump get-up and asks with manic intensity, "Should I look like I tried, or like I didn't try?" FF emerges from behind the breakfast bar and says, "You're getting ready to meet a man who places personal ads -- I think it's a sure thing." They all chuckle at her witticism and proceed to the living room for a Folger's moment. Except they're drinking tea, which annoys me, because if I'm going to vicariously enjoy televised beverage consumption, I'd like it to be heavily caffeinated or toxically alcoholic. At least for the purpose at hand. Ferret-Face, resplendent in a lycra top depicting a sand sculpture of Vishnu, stares moodily into her mug of herbal whatever. "Why aren't we at that point yet? I mean, why shouldn't I meet his parents?" Okay, addendum to the first part: because you're a ferret and their building has a no-pet policy. Don't make me tell you again.
Cut to Barto in the Bachelor Barn. His choppily applied shaving lotion makes him look like a cut-rate department store Santa. "Because I feel like I should spare her," he explains to Mikey, who is pumping iron, and Jill, who is gathering his laundry. "He's right," Mikey says. "I've experienced the Zane disapproval factor." "But you were seven," Jill protests, and Mikey says, "I was the financial aid kid at the fancy private school." While I list all the fancy private schools in New York that would give financial aid to a dullard like Mikey -- on the fingers of no hands -- Barto says, "Aw, they didn't even know that then, they just thought you were weird." "Oh yeah -- the poodle thing," Mikey responds, cryptically. Jill looks momentarily disturbed. "In the eyes of Dr. and Mrs. Zane," Mikey pronounces, "Some things just don't mix: religion and politics, martinis and hot dogs, precious sons in med school and blonde shiksa-dancers . . ." This seems to be a clever expository ruse to inform us that Barto's family is Jewish, though when they later appear they are the WASPiest TV WASPs since Mr. and Mrs. Howell on Gilligan's Island. Perhaps the producers thought mentioning Judaism in passing might defray the affirmative-action suits they're facing for having the honkiest show on television. Barto concludes that bringing FF home would be comparable to "leading a lamb to slaughter." Jill reminds Barto that "Audrey is pretty damn tough," and suggests that he let her make her own decision. I'd like to add that if slaughter is a viable concern, Barto could just keep Audrey in her carrier. But I guess they could still jab her through the breathing holes with a variety of small sticks. Barto runs out just as Mikey moves on to The Pectoralizer. Jill asks about "the poodle thing," but Mikey isn't telling. The clear implication is that Mikey had a yen for bestiality in his youth -- isn't that a gas? That irrepressible scamp! He's not just a dolt, he's a perv too! Barto and Audrey collide on the stairs and she blurts out that she heard his mother's message. "If you don't want me to meet your parents, that's fine. Just don't lie to me about it," she says. Barto spins a Gordian knot, saying she'd have to meet them in order to understand why he doesn't want her to meet them. "They're your parents. Of course I want to meet them," the ferret volleys. Barto buckles and invites her to the dinner, causing her to bear her pointy teeth and bark, "Pick me up in thirty!"