Previously: Audrey decides to "be" with Barto; Elispa keeps playing her version of Strangers on a Train, "Pathetic Obsessive on the Crosstown Bus"; Jill gets sued for stealing a man's wife and ends up dating the plaintiff's lawyer; and Jack and Anchormatt go through dating games and end up playin' Scrabble.
Jack and Anchormatt smack lips outside her apartment building. Apparently the WB not only got government funds for putting anti-drug messages in their shows, but they also get a subsidy to put as MANY audible smacking noises on as possible. Murmurs and noises of "calling you later" are made. Jack's hair looks like she had sex with the Greek Navy. Jill walks by. "Top of the morning to you," he says. "Although it's noon." He then tries to be whimsical and charming by saying, "You crazy kids," and shaking his finger at them. Anchormatt and Jack play smacky-smacky some more; Anchormatt walks away. Jill points out that Jack has a massive case of bed-head and really shouldn't be seen in public like that, and I hate to say this of any WB character, but he has a point. Words cannot describe adequately the corrugated-cardboard holocaust of her hair. Jack and Jill indulge in some URST -- unrelieved sexual tension -- disguised as love-life banter. Jack goes googly over Anchormatt and Jill indulges her. Jack asks about Allison and Jill admits he likes her. He says he is "seeing her tonight," and Jack says, "Oooh, Sunday night date. Very telling." What does it tell, Jill inquires. "Well, it's very different from a Saturday night date. Much more personal. Sunday night date is invading like, your school-night space," Jack says, making a disproportionate amount of mouth movements to accompany that line. Jill searches his three facial expressions and finds "displeasure." "That's it, I'm canceling your subscription to Cosmo," he says.
Terrible, terrible complaint-rock (tm Cher and Clueless) wails from Manhattan set -- why, for God's sake, is Barto wearing a wife-beater in the opening credits?
Moonlight-silvered streets. Jill and Allison walk arm in arm while she starts a joke and keeps screwing it up. "You're cute," Jill says. "You're not funny, but you're cute." Actually, Jill, she's neither -- she's a flagrant plot device, but I'll not spoil everyone's fun. Snarling and hissing, the wombats circle each other during the pre-mating ritual -- whoops, I switched to the Discovery Channel for a second -- Allison starts giggling while Jill strokes her face and looks pensive, in a move no doubt he stole from Tom Skerritt in Poison Ivy. Anyhoo, he says, mock-angrily, "I'm trying to build a moment here," and Allison murmurs something about "build away" and then he goes to kiss her and then pulls back, in a move that he obviously intends as tantalizing, but for me only emphasizes his unruly eyebrows and incredibly jutting jaw. Someone could deliver a sermon from that jaw. They kiss, they look googly-eyed, she asks him if he wants to come in. He says time. She asks why. He stammers and stutters around, "I mean, once we, I mean, we've . . . I really like the look on your face. I wanna see it again." Now apparently Allison's sharp lawyerin' skills have deserted her here, because instead of saying, "What the fuck did that have to do with my direct question?" she goes slack-mouthed and cross-eyed, except I think that we viewers are meant to interpret it as seductive and smoky-eyed. Jill goes to really kiss the bejesus out of her (you can tell by that intent look in his eye, or he could've incorrectly washed his lenses out this morning) when he gets distracted by a man yelling, "Taxi!" from across the street.
Jill looks across the street. Camera pans to see his POV. Apparently Allison lives in a warehouse across from a restaurant, yet both these places are situated where they can see the Manhattan skyline spread out in all its twinkling glory. I haven't seen sets with such a sense of verisimilitude since Mac Tonight, the giant moon-headed mascot for McDonald's, sang against a backdrop of stars.
But back to Jill's vantage point, and -- oh no! 'Tis Anchormatt, hailing a cab for himself -- AND A REDHEADED VIXEN! "The hell you say," I hear the gentle audience chorus, but no, 'tis the truth. Jill says, "I can't believe it," and Allison says, "Who is that?" and they both stare while Jill looks at the departing cab and says, "Oh -- no one," and manages to look a teensy bit gleeful.
A busy Manhattan street. Cut to Jack at her desk typing away. Anchormatt pops up and hands her a B&B brochure. They engage in ostensibly cute-'n'-clever banter, including a lame "get out of town!" joke, and then Anchormatt announces that they are going away for the weekend. Jack communicates astonishment and pleasure at this news by waggling her Prime Minister Nakasoni eyebrows and making mouth motions. Anchormatt then exhibits further signs of Imminent Boyfriend-ness by inquiring if he left his toothbrush at Jack's; she says yes and offers to return it. He says nah, he'll just leave it there unless it's too presumptuous. Jack looks delighted, as if to say, "Ah-ha -- I've got him in my tractor beams now."
Elispa wanders up and says, "Hey, glowy girl," while Jack simpers. "Look. Look at his walk," Jack says in delight. "Yeah, he's pretty much mastered that one foot in front of the other thing," Elispa agrees. Jack updates her on the Toothbrush Incident. Elispa sarcastically quips that maybe it could break onto the 6'o'clock news; Jack complains whinily that she's listened to Elispa talk unceasingly about some goonball she's seen randomly. Snicker.
Cut to Barto, Mikey, and Jill playing b-ball on a court presumably in the building's back alley. How very Boys' Club of them. Any minute I expect to see Denzel Washington ask us to volunteer our time to keep boys like these off the streets. Jill says he should tell Jack that he saw Anchormatt with Redheaded Vixen. Barto implies he is paranoid. Mikey, with the cunning of a 21st-century Napoleon, says he should tell Jack, and then she'll break it off and go out with Jill instead. Jill protests that he wouldn't do it for that reason, and besides, he's really into Allison. Mikey calls her "Ally McNightmare." It takes me a minute to process that remark until I remember that the last new episode, Allison went after Mikey in Jill's court case with all the finesse of a slavering lion tearing into a wounded gazelle. Amazing how my brain was cauterized smooth of any recollection of the episode. Jill promises that Barto will like her. Barto smiles agreeably, then smugly tells the guys he has to cut out early: "Lunch date with Audrey." I interpret this to mean, "Bonin' down with Audrey," and howls of terror ensue.
OH SWEET JESUS, someone yank my eyes out! Overhead view of Audrey and Barto sprawled on a snow-white bed, sheets pulled over their strategic bits a la Queen Margot, telling us that the WB writers have been busy in the foreign-film section of Blockbuster lately, or having their assistants watch the films and tell them about it later. "Wow," says Audrey dreamily. Barto, his knockwurst-white chest blinding in the afternoon light, says, "Thanks,' and takes a big, self-congratulatory stretch. He rolls over and -- gak -- spoons Audrey. "Big wow to you, too," he says. I wouldn't relax, big fella -- Audrey falls into the Rebecca Gayheart/preying mantis genre, or, as my roommate puts it, "She looks like the kind of woman who'd eat the heads of men after she's had sex with them." Unfortunately nothing like that happens; instead, we're subjected to more pillow talk. "And you're a good spooner, too," Audrey says. "Isn't everybody?" Barto says. "Mmm...no," says Audrey. Medium-close shot as Audrey rolls to lie in Barto's armpit. Oy. "So...how many people are you comparing me to?" Barto asks faux-nonchalantly. "In the spooning department?" Audrey says. Barto says, "Not exactly." "Well, what exactly are you asking me?" "Nothing," Barto replies. Audrey asks if Barto is asking her "the big question." Barto says yeah. Audrey says, "Well, how many people have you slept with?" Barto interprets that to mean she's not going to answer. She says she won't if he won't. They both agree that it's "not important." They smack. Just as they start gettin' jiggy AGAIN, the alarm goes off. Barto shoots off the bed and says, "Study break's over." Audrey and her pool-raft lips rise off the bed. Barto gets dressed and Audrey gazes at him consideringly. "So what is your test on tomorrow?" "Bio-chem," Barto answers. "What is that exactly?" "Well, right now, we're learning all the pathways for glycolosis, so it's pretty complicated." Audrey looks hurt by this answer, then pensive. Barto finishes dressing and kisses her. Oddly enough, they both make "mmmmm" noises of appreciation which are more appropriate at the prospect of a New York porterhouse than, say, a kiss. Barto tells her he's going to the library and will see her later. "Yeah," says Audrey in that whispery, passive-aggressive voice that the women on this show have mistaken for acting.
Elispa, striding down the newsroom stairs. She asks if Eddie's in his office because she thinks she left her copy of the ratings on his desk. Curly-haired extra tells her she thinks he left to go jogging. Elispa strides over to the office door that reads, "Eddie Naiman News Director" and opens it unthinkingly, catches Eddie Naiman buck-nekkid from behind, and instead of closing the door and running away as far as she can, says, "Whoa," causing Eddie Naiman to turn around. Hold onto your seats, kids, I think we have some Merry Mishaps and Madcap Misconceptions comin' up! Elispa continues to make these bizarre, burbling "whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa" noises, leaving ample time for Eddie to turn around. Eddie, understandably, yells, "HEY!" yet Elispa REFUSES to leave and continues to gaze at his crotch region. He grabs an award of some kind and places it over his groin, so that it juts priapically upward in replacement of his actual member, demonstrating once again that the writers have a keenly honed sense of theater that they must've gleaned from Aristophanes. Elispa continues to babble, yelling, "Oh my God," until Eddie yells at her to close the door. She does so, and then stands there like a total dunderhead, yelling, "I'm sorry!" until, with an unconvincing shudder, she turns and walks away. Kids, if you have any faith in the conventions of network TV, you kin just betcher boots that there'll be some office hijinks 'coz o' this!
Allison arrives to get Jill for their date. Jill struggles to get his shoe on and hops over to where Barto and Mikey sit as he makes introductions. Mikey says, "Yeah, we met in court, you attacked my principles." "Yeah, yeah, sorry about that," Allison says, very awkwardly. How tired am I of women being depicted as these gung-ho super-professionals who are incapable of managing their personal lives? David E. Kelley, your pernicious influence is EVERYWHERE. Allison attempts to make small talk. "So, you met in college?" Barto and Mikey both say yes. "You too, Mikey?" she says in astonishment. Now, don't get me wrong -- I have no sympathy for any of these meat puppets, but the clear astonishment on her face makes me hate Allison immediately. Simon Rex, yes, you do look stupid, but that's still mighty rude of her. Mikey says, "Yeah, I told you that in court, remember?" "Oh yeah, right, I forgot. It's just that Barto's in medical school and you're a bartender, " she stumbles as she realizes what an elitist dipshit she must sound like and says, "Oh, I mean, what did you study in college?" Mikey says, "Philosophy," with a hint of a challenge. Okay, I'm not going to say ANYTHING mean. Not. A. Word. "In Mikey's defense, the philosopher job market is glutted right now," says Barto. Mikey gives Allison a fake hearty smile that outwardly says, "Ha-ha!" while inwardly says, "I hate you, you tactless bitch." "Well, it's nice you guys live together," Allison continues, slipping into soccer-mom mode. "Well, it's actually just me and Jill," Barto says. Allison asks where Mikey lives. Mikey unashamedly says, "At home with my parents." Allison says, "You've got to be kidding me," which, in fact, could be the slogan for THIS ENTIRE SERIES. Well, actually, she says, "You're kidding," and Mikey does his big fake laugh again and says, "No." Jill, doing his best Jack Tripper, walks out at that moment and says, "So you guys all acquainted?" Barto says, "Oh yeah," and Jill and Allison walk out the door. Mikey rubs his head in frustration and Barto lolls on his Barcalounger in a way that is meant, I believe, to communicate various degrees of bemusement and understanding.
The gang is sitting in a red banquette in the @Bar. "If only he didn't turn around -- why did he have to turn around?" Elispa whines. Jack, her hair looking more woofly than normal, says, "It's okay. You'll forget. [beat] One day." Rim shot! This little lady's ready for the Catskills. "No. I won't. Ever," Elispa whines. Audrey imparts wise advice from her dad. "My dad says if you're ever intimidated by somebody you should imagine them naked." "But I wasn't intimidated by him. Until now," Elispa says bitterly, and swills her drink. Jack asks if he was intimidating, saying she is curious, since she works with him, too. But before the girls can indulge in any serious dick trivia, Mikey sits down and cheerfully informs the group that he once saw his mom naked. "Can we not talk about this, please?" Elispa whines. Sure, why not, considering that YOU'RE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT IT UP. Barto graciously interrupts with, "Yeah, isn't Jill coming by with Allison?" "You mean Allison Blunderland?" Mikey says. Barto says they agreed to stop calling her that. Mikey says Barto agreed, he didn't. (Barto is looking very Velvet Underground with the large bags under his eyes in this scene.) "Is that his new girlfriend?" Elispa asks. "No, don't say that," Mikey protests. "She's NOT his new girlfriend. She's more of a casual, let's-hope-she-goes-away-soon type of gal." Am I sensing homoerotic rumblings here or is that just my inner Advocate speaking? Barto says she's not bad. Mikey interjects that she's opinionated, judgmental, and irritating. Barto says she's unimpressed by Mikey Russo. Jack says that maybe Mikey is just intimidated by her, since she's obviously very intelligent and successful. Mikey interrupts with, "BLAH BLAH BLAH she's evil." The girls giggle appreciatively at Mikey's rapier wit. God, there must be a lot of heavy drinking on this set for the actors to get through their dialogue, dontcha think?
Jill and Allison approacheth. Jill makes introductions. Allison meets Jill; how-dee-dos ensue. Allison meets Elispa and says, "You're the ex!" in a bizarre, chirpy tone of voice. "And you're the current," Elispa says. Allison meets Audrey. "You're the dancer! You're so tiny!" she exclaims. "Thank you. I think," Audrey says. "Well, it is really great to finally meet all of you," Allison says. They all make noises of assent.
Cut to exterior of @Bar. "They hate me," Allison says glumly. Jill says they don't. They play this yes-they-do no-they-don't game for a little while longer. Allison says, "Sometimes I think I say too much -- of the wrong thing. It's this problem I have." And all that lawyer-training which involves negotiation sure wouldn't cure ya of that, sweetie! ["Or the therapy sessions at the Tourette's clinic." -- Sars] Jill says they just need to get to know her better. I think Audrey could donate a few units of collagen to Allison's chicken lips. Allison decides the way to win Jill's friends over is to throw an enormous dinner party and invite them. Jill is obviously enchanted by her can-do spirit, if his grin is any indication. He kisses her and puts her in the cab.
Just as the cab zooms off, Jack walks up and makes polite mouth-noises about how nice Allison seems. Jill agrees. He then asks where Anchormatt is. Jack says he had to cancel, which is actually good, since she has a lot of packing to do -- they're going away to the Berkshires for a long weekend. Jill asks if he cancels a lot. Jack says just the normal amount; he's very busy. Jill says that Anchormatt has a reputation and Jack should be careful. Jack says he HAD a reputation, but he's with her now, and she trusts him. Jill continues to plants seeds of mistrust in Jack's head (barren soil if there ever was any) and points out that she trusted Danny, her former fiancé, only to catch him with another woman. ["Speaking of barren soil -- she didn't even catch him. He and the other woman, Jack's maid of honor, fessed up to her mid-ceremony." -- Sars] Jack accuses Jill of hitting on her and says she and Matt are "fine," whilst Jill doth protest that he is simply looking out for her best interests. Jack flounces off in a huff.
Jack folds lingerie into a duffel bag. She spritzes perfume into the bag, then on herself. Phone rings. She frantically searches for it. Jack says, "Hello," then immediately slips into baby-whispery mode. One-sided conversation occurs during which Jack says it's no problem, and she understands. Music oh-so-subtly swells: "I don't make promises I can't break," whilst your faithful recapper senses FORESHADOWING.
Newsroom. Elispa wanders through the office and encounters Jack. She hands Jack a pasteboard card. "Did you get one of these?" she says, putting a particular stress on these that makes me think Elispa had to learn her lines phonetically. "Yeah," says Jack. "Do you think she did the calligraphy herself?" "Definitely," they chorus, going for that Mentos feel all TV shows want to achieve. "So, should be one of the weirdest nights of my life," Elispa says. "You gonna invite Matt?" Jack says she will unless Matt cancels; Elispa asks why he would do that. Jack hems and haws and asks if Elispa thinks Matt is trustworthy; in a fine use of classic rhetoric techniques, Elispa asks if JACK thinks he's trustworthy; then Elispa asks if something happened. Jack says no. Elispa says there's no problem. Eddie hits his mark and hands Elispa a piece of paper as a pretext for being in this scene. As soon as he walks away, Elispa says, "Doesn't matter where I look, all I see is naked." Jack says something to the effect of relax, I'm sure it was much harder on him. Jack then giggles like a naughty schoolgirl at the clever double entendre she delivered. Tee-hee! Elispa looks unhappy as Jack laughs and walks away. "I might have to get a new job," she says to Jack's retreating back.
Close up of Barto. Mikey and Jill enter. Mikey asks how long the dinner party will last. Jill says the usual. Mikey says maybe he should bring a magazine or something. Jill walks over to Barto and says, "And you, my friend, are going to have to tear yourself away from the fascinating world of -- tantric sex," he says in astonishment, or at least tries to communicate astonishment by beetling his brows. Barto says it's for school. Mikey says that he could totally do medical school. Oh, that lovable, wacky Mikey! "Tantra yoga can take the form of a sexual ritual featuring slow, non-orgasmic sex," Jill reads aloud, crinkling his brow and moving his lips very slowly. "Non-orgasmic?" he says questioningly. Barto explains that you're supposed to hold off on orgasm. Mikey asks why. Barto says he doesn't know why; Jill stole his book. Why would you want to hold it, Mikey asks. Oh, I don't know, Mikey -- maybe because on Planet Earth premature ejaculation is not considered a desirable quality. Just a guess. Barto says, Audrey. Jill says disbelievingly, "Audrey's into this stuff?" and Barto explains that Audrey's circle of experience is probably wider than his and he doesn't want to disappoint her. Jill says, "So, you're gonna -- 'celebrate her womanhood,'" glancing at the text. "Yeah. I'm gonna throw a big parade," Barto says angrily (oh, all right -- snerk). "You got a problem with that?" Mikey says yes. Mikey then sums up the Battle of the Sexes oh-so eloquently by stating that he has "no problem with girls being bendy, but not guys." Jill asks if Barto's learned anything good. Barto says that so far there's been a lot of stuff about deep breathing. At this point the gurgling noises from my throat mercifully drown out the rest of this unbelievably crappy and superficial dialogue. Barto says he's only been skimming the text. Jill, with that Wildean wit, says as he examines the text, "Just make sure you stretch before you try this one. Don't want you to cramp up."
Jack and Audrey's apartment. Audrey is watching a surgical procedure on TLC. Jack stops balancing her checkbook and walks over. "God, that's her skin!" she exclaims. "He's pulling the skin off her earflap! Bleagh!" Jack asks Audrey why she's watching this and taking notes. Audrey says it's just in case it ever comes up in daily conversation. No slouch on the uptake is Jack, and immediately ascertains Barto's the reason behind this. Audrey says he thinks she's stupid. Jack protests. Audrey says Barto never talks about med school stuff with her. Jack asks if Audrey really wants to talk to him about it. Audrey says no, but she wants HIM to want to talk to her about it, and she wants to be able to respond intelligently, just once, and then they never have to talk about it again. I hate to say it, but that pretty much summed up my feelings when I was dating a radiologist. There's only so many times you can feign interest in how barium works with X-rays. Jack says that it's weird that for the first time Audrey's with a good guy, while she's with a questionable guy. Audrey expresses disbelief that Matt is questionable because he "owns, like, thirty ties." OKAY, you know what, I know this dialogue is supposed to be whimsical and endearing, but the idiotic superficiality of that statement makes me want to spear Ferret Face's eyeballs like overripe grapes on my pen as I take notes. Jack says poignantly, doing her best Meg Ryan, "And yet I still have this horrible vision . . . that those ties are all over town." She aims for "wistful and poignant" with her facial expression, but succeeds in communicating only "I have a hard time reading without moving my lips." I throw my notebook at the TV.
Allison's industrial loft. Barto is chowing down on some hors d'oeuvres. "These are good," he says. "Do you think she made them herself?" "Definitely," choruses the gang. You know, I really think it's a sign of the downfall of Western Culture As We Know It when the leitmotifs of St. Elmo's Fire are being ripped off. Allison stumbles out. "Sorry to abandon you mid-tour -- minor disaster in the kitchen." She focuses in on Matt -- who, I'd like to point out, could use with MORE eyebrow pencil just as Jack and Jill could both stand less -- "Where have I seen you before?" Matt says, "Aw shucks, ma'am, tweren't nothin!" Kidding. He acts modest, Jack brags that he's a well-known reporter, he says not very well-known. They're interrupted by Mikey as he joins the group and tells the crowd that the bathroom soaps are shaped like little turtles. Allison says how glad she is to see him and that she got him a present. Everyone looks on in delight, anticipating another enormous social blunder. They are not disappointed. Allison hands Mikey a package, declaring that she saw it and thought of him. Mikey says thanks and rips open the package. It's a book: Awaken the Goliath Within. Very ouch, baby. Everyone winces and grins in discomfort. Allison then focuses her laser-like ability to insult on Barto and Audrey. Barto is unfalteringly Hoovering up what looks like rumaki, or perhaps a brownie. "You two are such a cute couple! How do you do it?" Audrey asks, "Do what?" Allison proceeds to explain that when she was in law school she never would've had time for a relationship because she really wanted to do well. "So do we," Audrey says, doing a pretty good Heathers imitation and dripping disdain. Allison stutters her apologies. "I -- I -- I didn't mean that dancing isn't just as demanding -- it's just that, it's more taxing on the body than the brain." Everyone winces.
"Allison bakes the best bread," Jill says, leaping into the breach. "Really," everyone choruses, obviously grateful for anything that distracts them from the thought of mass-stoning Allison. Anchormatt makes the mistake of asking what kind of bread. Instead of saying "rye" and jumping out a window, Allison demonstrates her raging case of foot-in-mouth disease by saying she remembers where she saw him, that she actually recognizes him from the other night, when he was getting into a cab with some woman. Jack's face falls. Jill looks distressed. At this point Allison's foot is lodged somewhere in her lower intestine, and I want to strangle the writers, because I can bet Allison's little truth-telling quirk is going to disappear after it's conveniently served its purpose in this episode. "I knew I recognized you from somewhere," Allison says cheerfully. "That would've driven me crazy all night." Silence reigns. Allison says, "Okay! Who's ready for some bisque?" "ME," says Elispa emphatically. Everyone choruses their agreement. Allison shoots a puzzled glance at Jill's distressed face in puzzlement.
"You still don't believe me," Anchormatt says as he walks Jack to her apartment. She says she does and can they just drop it. Anchormatt says he's working on a story about high school gangs. He says that if there'd been something really suspicious about him getting in the taxi with a strange woman, Jill would've told Jack about it, and she trusts Jill, doesn't she? Jack says pensively that indeedy, she does. She tells Anchormatt with much emphasis that she DOES believe him. They go in for the Kiss of Forgiveness, which on their planet apparently involves extending the neck, not actually moving bodies closer to each other.
Christ, more audible smacking.
Okay. "You're insane," Matt says. "I mean, you know that, right?" Okay, I am in no way defending Jack, but at that insinuation, pimp-slapping is not only allowable, but required. Jack says, "It's supposed to be endearing." They walk off arm in arm.
Jill and Allison on the street. She says, "I haven't had lunch away from the office in ages. Thanks for making me meet you," says Allison. "So the dinner party was fun, wasn't it?" Jill sarcastically inquires whose dinner party SHE was at. Allison is confused, and says that although it started out rocky, overall she thought it went well. Jack says, "I just think you go a little overboard once in a while. And because you're going overboard, you don't even realize how overboard you're going..." (and nor do you, Jill, realize how INCREDIBLY ANNOYING YOUR CONSTANT USE OF THE WORD "OVERBOARD" IS, and I bet there's going to be a Titanic reference.) "...and you know, that's probably why you thought the dinner party was a success when clearly it was a bigger disaster than the Titanic, the actual Titanic, not the movie. Right?" He goes for a boyish and endearing smile. Allison looks like she might throw up. "Like you said, you have the habit of saying the wrong thing," Jill says. He goes on to explain how it was indiscreet to discuss Matt and the woman in the taxi. Allison protests that she didn't know. Well, that's true, Allison -- anyone else from the planet Zoongo would've also assumed it was okay to blurt out that you saw someone's boyfriend get into a taxi with another woman when you know NONE of the parties involved. Jill says that maybe taking a second to think about what she says before she says it would be a good idea. Allison says she'll do that and thanks him for lunch and then stalks away in a (pretty justifiable) huff. Jill sits alone, bewildered and be-eyebrowed.
Back at the newsroom. Elispa tells Jack to just ask Eddie if Matt's really on the gang story. Jack refuses, because she doesn't want to be officially "checking up" on him. Eddie walks by and tells Elispa they have to talk and drags her off to a private corner. I bet someone's going to overhear them and mistake their conversation to signify something other than what it really means! Eddie says they can't go on like this. Like what, Elispa asks. Eddie says it's affecting things. She promises she can handle it. Eddie says they have to try to keep it professional and walk away. And whaddya know -- a cameraman standing a few feet away heard the whole conversation! What will those darn writers think of ? I just bet the whole office will think Elispa and Eddie are having an affair!
OH GOD more smacking noises. Ferret Face and Barto are making out furiously on a couch, with more enthusiasm than actual erotic ambiance. FF asks what Barto's studying in school, and rattles off several medical terms in one breath. Barto pauses and says, "Uh-huh." "Interesting," says Audrey. "I'm fascinated by the concept of resting membrane --" but she's distracted by Barto's attempts to use the three-part breath of life common to Hatha yoga. She points out that he sounds like he is hyperventilating.
Mikey is trying to convince Jill to break up with Allison. He points out he's been accurate about bad girlfriends in the past. Jill points out that in the past he'd asked for Mikey's opinion. Mikey continues to list Allison's bad points. Jill then rhapsodizes about her "amazing honesty -- ability to smile without moving her mouth -- and she tells the worst jokes --" Wow, she does sound like a prize. I wonder if she can make funny noises with her armpits. Jill then bursts out with, "I don't have to explain why I like her!" and storms off. Mikey asks rhetorically, "How do you smile without using your mouth?"
Jack stands over her phone and stares at it. She paces, does a few shoulder shrugs, then does the dirty and calls Eddie to ask if Matt is researching a story on gangs. He tells her no. Her face falls.
Jill walks down the hall and Jack appears behind him, wearing a red coat, and endearingly enough, her pajama pants. Except for the "endearingly" part. She tells Jill he ruined her life and that he's her own personal plague. Jill asks what he did. Jack says that if it hadn't been for Jack she never would've found out Anchormatt was a lying dog. "I'm such an idiot," she says in her whispery-poignant voice, and does her best Winona Ryder "I am a big-eyed sad girl!" imitation. She gets weepy, blah blah, and Jill asks if she knows who the woman is. Jack says, "I just know she isn't who he says she was." She then slinks to the floor in the Wall-Slide of Despair. She says something meant to be touching and profound about it being "too much," but at this point I find what might be a splinter in my foot and am distracted. Jack says that Jill knew. Jill says he wasn't sure and that's why he didn't tell her, and she won't be either, until she talks to Anchormatt. Jack then wanders the city streets in her coat and pajama bottoms. I haven't seen so much dry-ice fog since my grandmother took me to see Cats.
Matt opens the door as Jack bursts through and announces that Matt's not on the Harrison story, that she asked and hates herself for it. "You're checking up on me?" Matt asks disbelievingly. "You looked in my face and lied to me," Jack says. I wonder which body part she would have preferred he look at while lying to her. Matt says that the woman he met was Karen Greene, part of the network affiliate in DC, and that he might be getting a job over there, but didn't want to say anything to Jack because it was all so premature. And that's why he canceled before. Blah, blah, blah. Jack asks if he's leaving. Anchormatt says if he'd known she was going to tail him he'd have saved her the hassle and told her truth from the beginning. (Hmmm -- yes, Anchormatt, why didn't you do that?) Jack says she didn't realize it was a hassle to tell her the truth. Anchormatt says he didn't want to discuss it with her until he was sure there was something to discuss. Anchormatt and Jack do the Angry Couple Song-and-Dance for a few more measures. I discover a chipped nail on my left index finger. Jack says that Anchormatt has a reputation and what was she supposed to think. Anchormatt says that she went behind his back. He then says dramatically, "I think you should go." Jack looks at the floor -- perhaps forgetting that the TelePrompTer is usually located near the cameras -- and walks out, slamming the door in a manner that would make Heather Locklear proud.
Newsroom again. Merry mishaps and madcap misconceptions ensue! Jack watches Anchormatt from across the room. Random newsroom person walks up to Elispa and they indulge in a classic bit of Three's Company-caliber repartee where the newsroom person comes up and says some generic line, of course meaning the supposed Eddie-Elispa affair. Elispa says it's not that big a deal, while the guy says, "Are you kidding? it's huge." Elispa says, "Well, actually it was pretty --" and then realizes that the newsroom guy was talking about Elispa and Eddie having office "hanky in their pankies," while Elispa was talking about the size of Eddie dick. Oh, the hilarity! If only I could communicate the complexity! I can't even start!
scene. Jill on the street outside Allison's apartment, holding a huge bunch of pastel-colored balloons. Allison walks out and observes, "You have balloons." Jill yaps about flowers and candy being too predictable, and he went with balloons and he's sticking by his choice. Ha-ha! Jill then goes into a big speech about how he likes Allison's honesty and how she says what's on her mind and he likes her. Allison points out his friends hate her. Jill says, who cares. Allison says, you do. He says, well, yes, but I also care about you. There is kissing. There is sighing. Jill asks if he can come in. Allison says yes.
scene. Barto is studying, Audrey is sitting on the couch. She spies The Joy of Tantric Sex and starts to giggle. "I'm gonna get going and let you finish your studying," she says. "No, don't go," says Barto, and reads aloud some medical gobbledygook which I 'm sure is totally inaccurate, so I won't bother repeating it. "How does that sound?" Barto asks. "Sounds great," Audrey says, then climbs into his lap. Drops of blood form at the corners of my eyes. "Have I ever told you how sexy you are?" Ferret Face says, writhing on his lap. Barto looks down, abashed: "Well, actually, no." FF says, "You are. You're the sexiest guy I've ever known." Barto says he's usually not insecure; FF says ditto for herself. Barto asks what she could possibly be insecure about. FF replies that Barto's just "so damn smart" and she feels like she's "not enough" for him. Barto says she's crazy to even think that, and they're basically both idiots. FF says it's nice to know they have something in common. Oh Christ, there is more kissing. Maybe Ferret Face will just eat Barto's head in a tender post-coital moment soon.
Elispa walks into Eddie's office (this time preceded by a knock) and does HER best Meg Ryan and hems and haws and then announces that people think they're dating. Eddie proposes that they go ahead and start dating. Elispa says, "What?" and then, "We can't," and then, "What?" again. Eddie asks what's the problem. Does she not find him attractive? Elispa says no. She's seeing someone. Eddie says okay. Elispa leaves the office and Eddie shakes his head condescendingly.
Jill and Allison walk into the @Bar. Jill says not to worry, they're just getting a booth. Mikey says for them to wait up, he got Allison a present. He says he's been reading the Goliath book. She opens the present -- it's skimpy lingerie. I am creeped out. Jill spots Jack and excuses himself. Allison says it will give her and Mikey a chance to chat. Total silence ensues. "Or we could not chat," she says. "Good!" says Mikey.
Jill follows Jack onto the street. He asks if the talk with Anchormatt was bad. Jack says it wasn't the bad they thought -- instead it's a whole new kind of bad -- he might move to DC. Jack goes on and on about how gun-shy she is about letting herself trust again. Jill says that everyone's gun-shy and everyone wonders about how much to let on and let go. Jack says that she's afraid. Jill asks if she's afraid that Matt will make her happy, and that as much as he hates to admit it, Matt seems like a pretty good guy. Jack looks touched. Jill makes gestures at the bar and says he has to get back to Allison. Jack goes baby-whispery, sensing that now is an emotional moment, and says, "Thank you."
Anchormatt is sitting on the sofa when Jack enters. He explains Audrey let him in. He then tells Jack he shouldn't have lied to her and there was no good reason, he never should've done it, and he would never hurt her. He asks if she's mad at him. Jack calls the emotional bullpen and comes up with a facial expression that says, "I dwopped my ice cweam!" and says to Anchormatt, AND I QUOTE, "I'm not mad at you, I'm sad at you." An unholy cry of terror rises from my throat. She goes into shallow pop-psychology mode and explains that she freaked herself out by how glad she was that he might be moving away, thus excusing her from having to risk intimacy. She asks how likely it is that he'll move to DC. He says it's not immediate, but it's definitely likely. She says, "Dat makee me sad," or something to that effect. "Don't be," Matt says, as if giving a command to a slow, large-wattled dog. "If I do go to Washington, we'll deal with it." "When it gets here?" says Jack, whispering. "If it gets here," Matt repeats. "When it gets here," Jack says again. Apparently they are playing some sort of relationship version of Rock, Paper, Scissors. "We'll figure it out, okay? I promise," Matt says, trumping Jack's latest verbal riposte. They lean in for the Nose Rub of Reconciliation while meaningful wailing commences and my VCR shorts out.