Previously: Jack and Jill stand in a greenhouse and have sex, which accounts for the WBhouse effect, a previously unexplained scientific phenomenon where terrible TV shows suck all the available oxygen out of a room; Mikey meets "his match" in Lucy, scary-eyed roommate of featherheaded Belinda. Belinda gives up Mikey so he and Lucy can get together.
Jack and Jill stroll down a sunny street in Make-Believe Manhattan, and Jack asks if Jills her boyfriend. He asks if shes his girlfriend. They negotiate terms, which boil down to: toothbrush privileges at the Ferretorium, they get to eat off each others plates at dinner, and be affectionate in public for Jill; standing Saturday-night date (unless the Mets are playing), they speak once a day on the phone, and he has a picture of her in his room for Jack. They continue to "renegotiate" terms in ostensibly cutesy terms, and dicker over whether the picture of her has to be framed (Id argue for soft-focus or up-close here, fella) -- otherwise, no toothbrush. Then, as they cross the street, in mid-traffic, Jill sweeps Jack into his arms and kisses her romantically, in a move that makes my otherwise cynical heart palpitate with romantic frissons. Also, it makes me gag.
Cue credits. Much romantic wailing.
Barto and La Ferretessa, Gack and Land-Fill are having an oh-so-cute-and-romantic dinner atop their roof. Theyre all wearing parkas. Theyre freezing. Audrey snaps, "Whose idea was this again? Im freezing!" Jack, her amazing acting chops and visible star-power making those airwaves shimmer with charisma, coos, "Were not freezing, Were enjoying the night air." Barto sucks a strand of spaghetti while looking malevolently at Jack. In fact, he and the Ferret look like theyre both auditioning for an episode of When Animals Attack Crappy TV Stars! Jack continues, "Were enjoying this, people!" Jill pipes in, "We can go in the greenhouse," while Barto slyly says, in his best deadpan, "Yeah. I heard its pretty hot in there." Ferret snickers behind one paw. Jack and Jill look affronted and shocked. The cleft in Ivan Sergeis chin is big enough to float pool rafts in. Jack gets angry that Jill told Barto, while Jill tries to weasel his way out of it. Audrey wonders why its a big deal, since Jack told her. Jill asks, wounded, "You told Audrey?" and Jack says thats different, since she tells Audrey everything -- not All Everything, but Some Everything, which of course means that they are swapping dick trivia about their erstwhile boyfriends constantly. Audrey spies some available prey on Bartos plate that he pushes aside with a fork and says, "Thats for me," and then takes a shaving of what looks like Parmesan cheese off of it. Jack sees the exchange and says, "Oh, Barto, Im so sorry, I forgot about your rubbery food thing." Barto turns to the Ferret and says, "Jaccuse!" and slaps her across the face with a white glove, demanding satisfaction. Well, not really. What he does is say accusingly to Audrey, "You told her about my rubbery food thing?" Audrey says, "It came up." Barto asks how. Jill confides that its a genuine fear, but not as bad as Bartos fear of escalators. The Ferret is astonished that he never told her, and Barto snipes, "Obviously, I didnt need to."
Jack, having watched many a Friars Club Roast and well-read in Roberts Rules of Order, taps on her wine glass with a fork. She then says they need rules. They all agree they need Intercouple Sharing rules, and Barto declares they need to be more respectful. Ferret and Bartos eyebrows share a littlemoue of whatever. After a moment of silence, Jack asks, "So, Barto, is it scarier going up or going down?" and as someone who has had the same fear, I am now going to mentally slap Jack across the face with a white glove and demand satisfaction. The Ferret involuntarily laughs, and Jack whinnies at her own joke, opening her equine jaw and exposing her T-Rex-esque choppers, so much so that I expect the goddamned Millennium Falcon to fly out.
Close-up of Jills Pottery Barn alarm clock ringing. Jack and Jill are lying in bed. Jack turns off the alarm and hops out in a pair of raspberry-colored pajamas. Jill tells her God invented a snooze button for a reason. He then asks, "Werent you naked the last time I saw you?" but Jack tells him he fell asleep and she put on pajamas, since she doesnt sleep naked, ever. Ever? asks Jill. Jack reconfirms. A nation sighs in relief, forever spared the sight of Jack and Jill doing their own version of The Crying Game. Jack asks what Jill is doing today. He lists all the stuff you never get to do when youre working. Jack, in a fit of anal-retentive glee, lists off stuff shed like to be doing: alphabetizing CDs, bleaching the sink, getting a physical, and getting all new socks. Jill makes a "what the fuck?" face, and Jack makes a "whoops, revealed too much of my neurotic-yet-lovable self too damned soon!" face. Jack accuses Jill of making fun of her in his head; he, with a big Sexomatic Eyebrow Curl, says he was actually doing something entirely different with her in his head. Yes. Probably putting her in a leather daddy outfit and renaming her Bruce. Anyway, Jill mimes reeling her in towards the bed. This show is officially consigned to hell for using a mime reference. Jack sets the timer on the clock, and a brief argument ensues about how dumb that is and how Jack cant be late for work. They start making out.
Someones bare torso with the head cut off appears in the center of the frame. Yep, its Barto, who apparently has a "I must appear shirtless twenty times in each episode" clause in his contract so that his man-breasts can get as much exposure as possible. Barto hollers that he cant find his sweatshirt. Audrey brings him her bathrobe so he wont get cold while looking. Audrey is leaving early for the studio, but tells Barto she will call him later that afternoon. They kiss, she leaves, and Barto, wearing Audreys bathrobe with what I think is a duckie on the breast pocket, apparently is enjoying the softer side of Sears (tm Buffy) as he snuggles into it and says, "Hmm. Fuzzy."
Jill washes dishes in the Ferretoriums kitchen sink. He spies a pair of rubber gloves and puts them on, just as Barto walks in. An awkward moment of "Hey! Were two ultra-masculine straight stud types caught in an awkward moment of enjoying getting in touch with our feminine sides, but only because of our girlfriends" occurs. Then they make out. Juuuust kidding.