Previously: Jill tells Jack that shes his greatest wish and hes gonna form a plan to win her, so she better get ready. Jack looks dumbfounded. A nation snores and rents When Harry Met Sally.
Close-up of parquet floor. US3s "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" plays. Ferretina is in the middle of a pirouette or something. Hops and leaps are made. Dance moves are being funkified. Not. Ferretesta is wearing tight black Lycra pants (of course) and a grey tank top. Her hair is skinned back so severely my eyes water sympathetically. Ferretella continues to get her groove on. Hip gyration, body slaps, and loose arm movements are made. The dance scene continues waaaay past any point of relevance or interest. In a truly bizarre and sick move, Ferretorina opens her legs in a V and bends down to grab her ankles in a deep stretch. For some reason, the camera swivels upside down, too, and then we see Jacks big woofly head saying, "Got a minute?" Ferretiva says, "Oh my God," and gets up. Camera swivels back up as she says this. I bet the director was high when he thought that would be a cool move for the camera. Ferretia asks what that was all about with Jill since she couldnt hear through the door. Jack says, "He told me he wanted me and to be ready." Amanda Peet opens her eyes very wide at regular intervals during this sequence to express astonishment. Ferretaria makes "aaand?" gestures and Jack says, "Well, there was more." Jack asks what she should do. Ferretona asks Jack what she feels. For some reason Audrey is allowed to talk to Jack while the rest of the "dance troupe" goes on rehearsing. Jack starts shouting. She shouts that she has a boyfriend, that people shouldnt walk into your apartment and start saying crazy things, and Audrey quite rightly interjects that she didnt ask what Jack thought, she asked what she felt. Jack, in her adorable "I am a rip-off of Sally Albright in When Harry Met Sally and Holly Hunters character in Broadcast News" mode, takes out a piece of paper on which shes made a list. Its a pros and cons list. She lists all of Matts good qualities, which include his ambition, his suit-ownage, and that they think alike. She lists Jills good qualities, which include good lips and major chemistry, but his cons are that hes jobless and wears hats. When did my mother get a job writing for third-tier TV shows? Ferretovia points out that not one feeling is on the list. Jack starts to lose it. She says she feels sick, dizzy, and "PSYCHOTIC!" Audrey says theyre getting somewhere. Jack slumps her big, sun-damaged head of hair onto Ferreterras sweaty chest. Yuck.
Cue the Three Stooges on exercise bikes at the gym. From left to right, its Barto, Mikey, and Jill. A Lycra-clad torso walks by and they all eye her. This scene, in my opinion, is a total rip-off of the Martin Lawrence, David Alan Grier, and Eddie Murphy gym scene in Boomerang, except that those guys were funny. Barto asks Jill whats in the plan. Jill says "stay sharp, get in shape, get a job." Mikey says Jill doesnt have a plan. Jill protests that he does, hes smoothing out the edges. Barto points out that Jack has a boyfriend. Mikey asks if theres a name for Jills condition and Barto dryly diagnoses him as delusional. Jill walks off. Mikey and Barto continue biking, and Mikey says Jill might have a shot, crazy as he sounds. Yeah. A shot at being a big gym queen. Anyways, Mikey says he knows women. Then he eyes some other torso. Barto tells Mikey hes "remedial" at knowing what goes on in womens heads. Mikey says he chooses not to be in a relationship because he doesnt want one, not because he cant. Barto says au contraire. Mikey eyes another torso walking by and asks how long it has to be to count as a relationship. Barto says longer than a workout, then informs Mikey that women can tell hes a playa and thats all hes good for. Mikey looks puzzled, then sort of confused and hurt. Barto, for some bizarre reason, starts biking super-fast and hunches over the handle bars. He bares his teeth like a rabid dog. Mikey looks at him.
scene, Jill at the job counselors (played by someone whos a perfect candidate for Fametrackers "Hey! Its That Guy!") Jill is looking very 70s Calvin Klein in a black turtleneck. The counselor asks Jill where he sees himself in five years. Jill goes into his "Im charming and whimsical and neurotic" shtick and says living with the woman of his dreams, maybe married, maybe with kids. The counselor points out hes not a dating service. Jill starts rambling that he doesnt even know how Jack feels about kids, or how she feels about him. The counselor says hes only known Jill two minutes but he could venture a guess. They go over Jills curriculum vitae, which includes a double major in design and engineering.
Pardon me.
BWWAAAAAH-HAAA-HAAA as if!
So the counselor says that its an interesting background, very yin and yang. (Um, not really, since having a sense of how things are structured is pretty elemental to design, you meathead WB writers) and Jill says yeah, that opposites attracting is what keeps things interesting. The counselor levels a severe look at him and says, "Im divorced," and I have no IDEA why he would say that unless he thought Jill was coming on to him, and then Jill double-takes and asks if he doesnt mind, but maybe they could concentrate on his rsum and not talk personal stuff. The counselor makes a face. See what they did there? Turning the tables and all with Jill talking about his personal life then getting freaked out when the counselor did the same? Words fail to describe the painful unfunniness and lack of comic timing in that scene.