It's finale night. Finale. After this, I will be drinking heavily every night. Oh, wait, that's what I've already been doing. Don't tell. Previouslies tell us what's happened: Thirteen "celebrities" were locked in "competition" for 24 days. Our votes are in, and only one celebrity can be crowned king or queen of the jungle. And it's "live." Opening credits. Myleene and Damien welcome us to the finale, and say it's once again raining in the rain forest. I would hate to be with them in the rain forest, because it would get a little tiring to be told every time it's raining. They remind us that John, Torrie and Lou are in the finale, and tonight one of them will be crowned the king or queen of the jungle. And it's all based on America's votes.
Before we get into any actual forward movement, let's do a little more flashing back. In other words, let's look back at -- as Myleene calls it -- "their incredible journey." Hmmm. I guess I can see that. Torrie's the cat, Lou's the bull terrier, and John's the lab, right? She couldn't have meant "incredible journey" in any other sense than as a comparison to that movie, I'm sure, because calling anything about this show "incredible"? Um... no. Anyway, we flash back to the beginning, when Lou wanted to win, Heidi didn't want to know what she was getting into, and Patti took a float down the river. Drama started immediately as Spencer was a kook, and Heidi cried because everyone removed the labels from her dry shampoo. Spencer was too rich and too famous to be with these people, so they left. Then Speidi came back and Stephen baptized them. Then they really left, because Heidi was sick. And America -- or the five of us watching this -- rejoiced at not having to see their gross faces again.
The camp was divided into men versus women, and men dominated the competitions. They ate gross things a lot. Torrie hated losing. Then Daniel surprised the camp. America sent Angela home first, and then Frances chose to leave, too. Holly joined camp, and Sanjolly was created. Janice and the rest of the camp hated each other. Mostly they hated her, and she freaked out about it. Everything was totally emotional. John cried a lot. Patti cried a lot. Sanjaya cried a lot. After Frangela, Daniel was eliminated, then Janice, then Holly, then Sanjaya, then Patti. We, America, have chosen the final three: John (clip of him saying "I will not lose!"), Torrie ("This... is what it all comes down to.") and Lou ("Quitting was never an option.") Who will be crowned king or queen of the jungle? Back with Myleene and Damien, it's actually raining hard enough for us to hear it. So, yeah, that's rain. And they don't even talk about it. They look at the campers, who are sitting around looking seriously. They talk about each of them, but we don't really need to recap who they are again, do we? Dear God, I hope not.
We go back to when it was still the final five in camp, right before last night's eliminations. Lou says there was a bizarre energy because the Fab Five all care so deeply for each other. We get to see Damien declare Torrie safe again, then Lou. Torrie confessionals she thought she was going home last night. Lou says his heart dropped. We relive Sanjaya's exit. Torrie thought Sanjaya would be in the top three from Day 1. Lou says Sanjaya's departure was a huge stun to him. John says that Sanjaya's a great kid and a hell of a fighter who changed the minds of everyone in camp and all of America about what he can do. Right. Because we now know he can eat gross things and let bugs crawl on him. I am not saying he's not brave or that I don't love him, because I do. I just wish some of the challenges had been less gross and more ... challenging.
Then we relive Patti's departure. Lou didn't know who would be sent home out of John and Patti. John says Patti was cool, but she's his friend who he met 25 days ago. He wanted her around, but he wants to be here more. He cries a little, but says they're tears of joy. I think. He actually says, "Tears of joy really beat tears of sorrow." The three of them leave the bridge after Patti crosses it, and John's all, "Let's beat this girl." Lou's like, "Right?" Then Torrie chants that she's in the finals. Lou confessionals that the three left standing really are the ones who were strongest. Yeah. That's probably true, actually. Good job, America. Though Sanjaya was one of the strongest, too, so maybe it should have been four? Lou's very proud to be here. Now they have to fight for food again. John says this is one of the best days of his life, and he misses this feeling, because it's like the first time he was in the NBA finals. He says you want to scream, you want to cheer, you want to sit back and relax, "but you can't sit back and relax." I love John, but is he really comparing this game to NBA championships? Because I am not even a sports fan, and I think that's ridiculous. Anyway, commercials. Maybe afterward, something will actually happen. But don't hold your breath.
Back with Myleene and Damien, who are sitting with all of the eliminated "celebrities," except Frangela. They all look very clean, and Myleene and Damien think they look healthy. Heidi's healthy as long as she's not in the jungle, but Spencer wanted back in. He says he's been calling every day trying to get back in. So ... not suing so much, then? Myleene and Damien flash us back to Speidi antics: He's too rich and famous. He compares himself to Brangelina. He doesn't want to clean up John's shit. The cast is devaluing their fame. Back with the campers, Spencer laughs. Damien asks what was going on, and Spencer says he never lived in the jungle before, and you never know how you'll act until you do live there "with some amazing celebrities." Damien's all, "So they're amazing now?" Spencer says they've actually increased his value of celebrity. Myleene asks what Stephen makes of all that. Stephen thinks Spencer was new in the jungle and is new in his faith, but Speidi has a bright future. Whatever.
Damien tells Janice she's looking beautiful (though she really is not; she is looking heavily coated in makeup, which is not the same). She crazily says, "Oh my God, what got into you?! You totally called me a psychopath before!" My husband: "Because she is." Damien says she was sick when she arrived, and then she got better, but that's not to say it was smooth. He flashes back to a crazy Janice montage, which starts with Sanjaya saying she kept "putting straws on a camel's back, and at one point... she's just going to break it." Granola bar thief, then indignant about it. Lou tries to talk to her. She cries about everything. Back with the other celebrities, she giggles and blames the immunizations for getting her sick. Damien asks Daniel what he thinks, and Daniel's thinking "JFK." Everyone gets it, but Damien quickly moves on from it. If anyone knows what that is about, please fill me in, because I didn't get it at all. Instead of explaining, Damien and Myleene send us back to camp, in the past.
They're in the jungle clearing, at night, and they're all playing for their favorite food for their final meal in the jungle. Myleene says this is their very own "Jungle Spa," since they've been here for so long. There are six stations, and they will visit two each. Each one contains two stars. The more you collect, the more food you eat. First up is the "Scare Wash," which is for Torrie. She lays her head in one of those hair-washing sinks, and has to get stars out of it as cockroaches come out of a hose onto her head. She is shaking as the tub fills up. She gets the second one as cockroaches are crawling on her face, right on her goggles. She says they're biting her, too. She is very brave. She gets up and has cockroaches all over her hair. John wants her to stay over there until she gets them out, but she says she'll bring one to him. We get a final shot of the sink, which also has giant caterpillars or larvae of some type in it.
John's turn to do the "Frightening Facial." Damien says the facial is a fruit facial. He says it's the cheese fruit, also known as "vomit fruit." They open a bin of gross, foamy looking something. John has to find the stars with his mouth. John asks if this is legal in America, and Damien says that's why they're in Costa Rica. Ha. Good answer. Anyway, I would live in a vat of vomit fruit before letting a single cockroach crawl on me, so I think this task is sort of not fair. It does look gross, though. John gets them all. He rubs the fruit into his face, like it's a real facial. He says it's the worst spa he's ever been to in his life, and Lou says it looks like he just came from a frat party.
Lou's up , for a "Menacing Manicure." He has to get one start out of a box of frogs, and one out of a box of spiders. He does both quickly. , Torrie has the "Hot Tub of Trouble." They open up a tub in the ground and it has baby crocodiles in it. She says, "Oh my gosh," and we go to commercial. The suspense is killing me. I can't wait to relive this moment after commercial. And then we're back and we do. She has 30 seconds to find the stars. She goes in the water, saying "Excuse me, guys!" to the crocodiles. She dunks her head and quickly finds her first star. She picks up a crocodile and kisses it. John thinks it's questionable, but Damien and Lou think it's awesome. Torrie says she loves crocodiles now and wants to take one home. She gets both stars.
John heads into the sauna, which he says is a lot of steam with some snakes. He has to move his stars along some pipes that snakes are coiling around. He talks to them, telling them he has food to get. He gets out of the sauna, and they ask how it was. He says he likes snakes, "except that big one that kept licking its tongue at me." Lou gets to get a jungle spray tan. Which is some sort of goo and meal worms. He says it's not what he expected, and he will never get an actual spray tan. That's not one of the concessions he'll make to Hollywood. They all got their stars, so they all get to eat. Lou tries to hug Damien and Myleene, but they're not having any of it.
Damien and Myleene are now in camp "live" with, as Damien says, "three of our finalists." Wait, what am I watching? I thought there were only three finalists? Is there a twist I don't know about, or is Damien just not good "live"? It's actually pouring rain, which is sort of awesome. Everyone's ready to leave and not attached to the place. Damien tells Torrie she's the only one who survived every public vote. She's happy that happened. Myleene asks Lou how this experience compares to movies, and he says this is "far to the left" of anything else. Whatever that means. [Damn liberals. - Zach] Damien says John really wants to win, so what if he leaves a loser. John says he'll never be a loser, because he's gotten more out of this jungle than the jungle got out of him. Good way to look at it, actually. See why I love him? They all talk about thinking about quitting. Torrie never did. John did for that one hour, but then not. Lou doesn't talk about that, but just how much he loves his family. He's proud that he can still be his own stuntman and has proven himself.
Myleene tells them that they've all been clear about how strong the competition is, but even more clear about how strong the friendship is. They all nod agreeably, and she shows what they all have said about each other: Slow-motion Lou as John tells him how great it was living with him in the jungle; he made it ten times easier. "Mad love, fam." Torrie tells Lou how inspiring his inner strength is and how sweet it is that he loves his family so much. , Torrie. Lou says she's unique, with her determination, discipline, and femininity. He thinks she's a fine example to women. Especially women who would like to be bleach-blonde with implants. John calls himself her big brother, and tells her to take his kitchen lessons home and cook. He loves her. Torrie tells John how sincere and honest he is. She knows all of his advice is from the heart. Lou tells John he's looked up to him in more ways than one, because of his integrity. He's proud to have him as a close friend. They're all emotional when we come back, and Damien thanks them all for being such great campmates. They promise that all campers will reunite in camp later, and we'll declare a winner. Commercials.
Damien and Myleene are back with the ex-campmates in camp. Damien asks if it feels good to see them all again, and Lou's the only one who seems to sincerely, enthusiastically feel that it is good. He says they look beautiful. Our campers wonder what it's like to be clean again? Everyone laughs. Speidi is impressed at all the lost weight, but Spencer says he's been eating for all of them. Damien asks Daniel about his memories, and Daniel says trying to catch a fish and not succeeding was frustrating and he thinks he and Lou will stay for another week after this (yeah, I don't think Lou's on board). Myleene asks Heidi and Holly if they would have liked to be in camp together. Heidi thought they were going to be, and so did Holly. They are both disappointed and say "Maybe season." As if there will be a season. Patti says being back in the real world is wonderful. Myleene reminds us that Sanjaya won 9 out of 12 competitions. He smiles his big Sanjaya smile. He says his favorite trial was the Torture Tank, which he says was an unfair match because he loved it and no one else did.
Damien says they were all competitive when it was men versus women, and we flash back to a bunch of competitions: By the way, men won ten trials, women won three. Speaking of trials, we are back in camp last night to see the finalists eat their gourmet dinner. They have a little jungle table with stools and flowers. John welcomes them all to his crib. Lou says they're like civilized people. Torrie thinks this meal was a great reward for all the time they've spent here. John prays and they get their food. Torrie gets a large vegetarian pizza, Lou gets fried chicken with mashed potatoes, and John gets a tofu burger. They're all so happy. John says it was the perfect burger. But I have to disagree because it was lacking the best part of a burger: MEAT. They all talk about how happy they are. Torrie feels like she's an inspiration to women. John's glad they were great competitors, but he's fattened them all up for the kill. More commercials.
(I must digress for a moment to say that every episode they've told us campers would "leave the jungle forever," so having them all back right in camp tonight is annoying me. I am too literal, or this show is too dumb. I'm going to choose to believe it's the show, not me.)
Back with eliminated campers talking about the finalists: John's an amazing athlete. He's super competitive. He's helped Patti through rough spots. Daniel thinks John's competitive nature is an advantage. Um, yeah, except that America has the entire say in everything, so none of that matters ultimately. It helped him get this far, but cannot help him now. Holly was surprised by Lou, who she said is fearless. Daniel says Lou's exactly who you see in the show: caring, sharing. Sanjaya says he's totally fearless. They all think Torrie's in great shape, and smart. Stephen thinks her looks are probably helping her get a lot of votes. Janice says she's a competitor. Sanjaya says she has perseverance and drive. Daniel wants John to win. Holly wants Lou to win. Patti wants Torrie. Holly wants Lou. Stephen wants Torrie. Sanjaya wants Lou. Speidi want Spencer back in the jungle, so he can win. We don't get a Janice answer, apparently. [I'm sure it was long and pointless. - Z]
Myleene and Damien are still in camp with the finalists and former campmates. Damien says it's time to start revealing votes. Myleene first congratulates all of them for enduring this grueling 24 days in the jungle. She tells them that America "has enjoyed every single minute." I don't think she's been reading my weecaps. She tells them they're all winners. Damien tells them the celebrity to "leave the jungle forever" (see how they do that?") is... John. Of course. Sad music plays as he hugs Lou and Torrie. Then Myleene shows John his "jungle journey." He says the jungle's transformed his life and we get to see him overcome his fear of spiders, fall in the water the first day, fight with Janice and then hope for forgiveness. Lou thinks he's fabulous. John finds the silver lining in everything. His friendship with Patti. He thinks being in camp is making him a better father, husband and human. He says it's the biggest life-changing experience he's ever had. So only two remain as we got to another commercial.
We're back with inspirational clips of Lou talking about how great this is because of the emotional bonds and foundation of relationships that will go on. John calls Lou his "brother from another mother." Lou thinks he'll come back from the jungle strengthened. His experience has been complete. Then Torrie, who says she wouldn't have believed she would do this a few years ago. It's been harder than she thought, but she's surprised herself. She realized she's sort of fearless. Patti, Lou and John talk about how competitive she is. She feels like she can do anything after this. And now we're actually back, where Damien calls the show I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here 2009. Let's all pray to Stephen Baldwin that doesn't mean there will be a 2010 version. Damien says it's all about to end. And more build up. Then Damien says: "Lou... You nervous?" He asks Stephen if he's nervous, and he says he is. Damien wishes them both luck.
Myleene tells them that America has been voting for them and watching their every move for the past 24 days. She says there can only be one winner, and it's time to reveal America's decision. Damien says the public has voted, and it was incredibly close. The winner is... Lou Diamond Phillips. I think everyone's happy about that. Janice is jumping up and down. John picks him up and hugs him. Sanjaya gives him big hugs. But Myleene pulls him over to give him his crown and throne. His crown is made of leaves. Damien thanks us for watching and hopes we've enjoyed it as much as they have. Well, that depends, Damien: Did you hate it? If so, we're in sort of the same boat.
We close with more inspirational music and clips: John's going to miss the nature around him; he loves this jungle. Torrie says words can't even describe how wonderful this experience was. Lou's had a great time, and hopes he's brought a lot of people along on the trip with him. I'm so happy for him, really, but why no mention of his charity here at the end, since they are now the winners of this competition? Anyway, Art Has Heart Foundation should be pretty happy about this. And I am also happy. Mostly because it's over. Hope everyone finds something to do with all the time they'll have without this brain cell-killing show. I guess I'll end appropriately, with that game-forfeiting title: I'm the weecaper, get me out of here!
Discuss this episode in our forums, and watch episodes here. Then see who vlogger Sean Crespo thinks should have won via natural selection in No Prior Knowledge!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.