Another two-hour episode begins with previouslies: Last week, John became the new camp leader. And he was awesome. He granted himself immunity, which pissed Janice off. Lou was immune, too, but he earned his (you could argue John did, too, since he won the leadership position). Everyone was suspicious of the Patti-John alliance. Except for me. I don't care. And then the celebrities went from being teams to playing as individuals. Then we had a double elimination: Holly and Janice. Coming up: Celebrities prove they're idiots by putting their head in a tank with tarantulas. Then they have a competition to see who will go home tonight. Torrie thinks she's the girl who's going to beat all these boys who think they're so tough. But America gets to decide, so it's anybody's guess. Opening credits.
Myleene and Damien walk through the "jungle" of Costa Rica "live." They tell us what happened last week, and that there are a lot of surprises in store for us tonight. And later, our votes will decide who faces off for elimination. Back at camp, we relive the eliminations from last week. Lou pontificates about how the eliminations weighed on everyone's minds, even those who were immune. Sanjaya says losing Holly was like a stab through the heart. Everyone tries to comfort him. John says Sanjaya's heartbreak is real. John's sad to lose Holly, too. Patti was relieved when Janice was sent home instead of her. Sanjaya knows that a lot of people are probably celebrating Janice leaving, but he's lost two friends tonight. John says it took everything for him not to jump up and hug Patti when they announced Janice, but he realized he was supposed to hug Janice. He says she's been like a thorn in his paw, and then walks around camp saying "Free at last." That's right: John Salley -- an African-American -- compares Janice Dickinson leaving the jungle to Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream that blacks would someday be treated equally. She's annoying, but still... might be a bit of a stretch.
Torrie says the consensus is "peace." Lou wants to listen to the silence, so Stephen says she wasn't that bad. John: "She wasn't that good, either." Torrie says the benefits for her of Janice being gone is that she doesn't have to listen to her hocking loogies anymore. Unfortunately, we as viewers cannot say the same because we now get a Janice loogie-hocking montage. Thanks for that, show. Now I will never have an appetite again. John thinks America made the right decision, and knew that only Patti and Torrie could compete with the men. Lou thinks the competition just got kicked up a level or two, and that it's anybody's game at this point. John has no more fear, and tells everyone to bring their game faces, because he's not afraid of any of them. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien remind us what's coming later, and then send us back to camp. Torrie's excited she made it to the last week, because she feels the competition's really on now, and she wants to prove a woman can win. In confessional, Stephen says he just doesn't have the same drive to win as the others. He really hoped he'd get to go home this week, and he's been here longer than he expected, but he really misses his family, and apparently can't wait five days or however many were left when he said this (it seems to be right after the elimination, so I guess six days). I guess that explains why he didn't compete in last week's immunity challenge. Stephen tells the other campers he doesn't want to be here, and that's a problem.
morning, everyone wakes up, and Lou has three bites across his eyelids that made him look like he's been in a boxing fight with Manny Pacquiao. The guys say his name a lot, and then Torrie says how freaky it is that spiders are crawling all over them at night, and even biting them on the eyes. Yeah, that is sort of gross. Can't they get some mosquito netting or something? Patti wakes up and has a bite on her butt. Lou says they spray themselves down before bed, but whatever tiny space they miss gets bitten. Sanjaya's laying in bed, missing Holly. He says it's frustrating because she really wanted to be here. Awww, how sweet. Now move on. You have less than a week left, and then you can go make out with her or whatever. Torrie says there's no one here who doesn't want to be here, and Sanjaya's all, "Remember Stephen?" Stephen woke up feeling tired and fatigued and wants to go home. He hopes his fans will understand, but he has to get out of here. Everyone's shocked he'll leave with only five days left, after all they've gone through. I'm not shocked, though, because it was all over the "news" today. Everyone else is at the river talking shit about Stephen for leaving. But Stephen says the jungle is a mirror that forces you to look at yourself, and it's made him appreciate his life back home. He'll miss the people, but not the insects or rice and beans. Just the people. He's only sad not to be able to spend time with them. He doesn't mention the fact that he's bailing on his charity. [Poor sex slaves. - Zach] Commercials.
Myleene and Damien are still in the rain forest. They recap. Myleene says when she was on the British version of this show, the final week was the hardest. Back at camp, Stephen says he's leaving in about five minutes. He thinks it makes sense to stay if you want to be here (or, you know, if you want to win money for your charity), but he's not in that place. He says he's pretty tough with a pretty joyful spirit, but that's really been beaten down here, so it's time to go. Everyone asks about 100 times if he's really leaving. Patti says she couldn't let her kids see her quit something like this, especially so close to the end. Everyone hugs him and says they love him, but then talks bad about him. He crosses the bridge, and appears to have no regrets about it. Whatever. Stephen's going to miss his friends, and he believes they'll understand. Cut immediately to John, to the bridge, who says, "What a lame thing to do," as soon as Stephen's out of earshot. Yeah, yeah. But that was a lot of unnecessary melodrama.
Back in camp, they can't believe they've lost three people in 24 hours. They talk more crap about him leaving. John's pissed and thinks it tells you a lot about a person. Sanjaya even agrees. John says he "ain't trying to dog the cat," which means nothing to me. Torrie's family and friends wouldn't talk to her if she quit. They're all disappointed, okay? Did you get that? John thinks his chances to win just improved, though, so hey... bright side. Myleene and Damien transition to a scene about the weather. It's rainy and stormy. IN THE RAIN FOREST. Can you believe that?! Torrie says there was a lot of lightning, and they had to sit in the confessional together. They were so bored they made up a story. Apparently the main character (called "the chatterbox") had a lot of similarities to Janice. The chatterbox eats papaya, hoards everyone's things and food, and then sleeps. Then the chatterbox was silenced by a vote from America and was sent over the bridge, not to be heard from again. Man, they really must have been bored, because that was dumb. And now I'm bored. (Note to the show's producers: It is probably possible to show us the celebrities are bored without boring us, too. Work on that.) Commercials.
Damien and Myleene tell us that someone will win on Wednesday, and tonight someone will be eliminated. And then they'll open the phone lines so we can vote again. They remind us Stephen left. Back in camp, John reads a scroll that tells them that because Stephen left, someone else will have an opportunity to come back. Why?! There are way too many people to eliminate in the three days. The former campers will come in and plead their cases, and then the celebrities will choose who gets to stay. They discuss how to decide who gets to come back; Torrie thinks it's not fair that they've all gotten to go eat and then get to come back and argue to come back. Patti thinks they should choose someone who isn't likely to win. John thinks it's fair and will raise their games.
The first one back to plead her case is Janice. She gets on her knees and starts crying. She says she can't act, so she's not acting, but she doesn't want to leave without everyone thinking she's a team player. She's here to ask the five of them to help her help herself to become a better mom. What?! She is truly insane. She tells them they've become her family. John smiles, because he thinks she's totally crazy. Lou believes her. So does Sanjaya. Torrie looks sweet and sad, and then tells us that everyone thought that was the real Janice and she "touched all of us." Ew. Don't let her do that. The one to come in is Holly, who hugs Sanjaya. Torrie says Holly was instant sunlight. Holly explains that they all get to choose between the two of them. She starts crying and says she really wants this. She wants to come back and eat rice and beans and sit around the fire and smell. She says the choice is up to them, but she misses them more than she thought she would. Everyone loves Holly, but she might be a tougher competitor and America might like her more. Who will the camp choose?! Commercials.
Myleene and Damien are back, telling us what's coming up and what happened earlier. They have the easiest jobs ever. Back in camp, everyone's trying to decide who to vote for. They all love Holly, but they know they need to think about who can beat them. Janice is down by the river "crying." In confessional, she says she's not a bitch. Which is so not true. They get a scroll and call Janice to camp. She says she will be 100, no 1 million percent transformed if they vote her back to camp. I'm not sure what a 1 million percent transformation looks like, so this could be interesting. [Is that like completely transforming 100%, but doing it 10,000 times? - Z] The scroll asks them who should return to camp. The voting was unanimous: Holly's coming back to camp. Janice says she knew it, then she cries in the confessional. She says she's proud of who she is, and she gave it her best, but she doesn't know how to play the game and she has no BFFs here. Lou explains the game is tough enough at this point, without someone who's difficult to get along with. She says goodbye again, and leaves. Let's hope it's for good this time. Janice makes no apologies for who she is. She's a celebrity, get her out of here. No, really. Please do it. Now.
Holly's super-excited to be back. Everyone else is happy too, but especially Sanjaya. They're laying in their hammocks talking. Holly feels like her leaving was a bad dream, and now it's like nothing ever happened. She missed Sanjaya the most, in case you couldn't have guessed that. They hold hands and he welcomes her back. They're both all happy and cute about her being back. He says Holly brings out the best in him. Lou says all is right with the world now that Sanjolly's back together. Everyone is happy for Sanjaya now that he's not sad anymore. Holly says she didn't know how much she'd miss Sanjaya, but now that she's back, she's not going to leave with any regrets this time. And that's all she's going to say about that. In other words: She's totally going to make out with him this time, possibly because the producers told her to go back and do so. That's how much faith I have in the "reality" of this show.
Holly and Sanjaya are by the river, and he says he'll do a cannonball into it, but what's she going to give him for it? She whispers in his ear, then he's sitting in the river and she strips down to her bra and underwear and goes in with him. They both talk about each other in confessional: He'd totally hook up, and make her feel like a queen. She finds him attractive, "mostly for the person that he is." They leave the river without a kiss or anything, and then Sanjaya says in confessional that "Sanjolly's back!" Commercials.
Myleene and Damien recap. They tell us it's been 22 days, and all of the celebrities will be back for the finale on Wednesday. Even Speidi. Damien promises drama. At the end of this episode, we can vote for our final three. Oh, and this is for charity. Torrie's here for Disabled American Veterans. John's playing for Cedar Sinai Sports Spectacular. Patti's here for the Children's Cancer Center (again: her second choice since her first charity refused to be affiliated with her). Holly's charity is the Adaptive Sports Center in Colorado. Sanjaya's playing for the Shriners Hospital for Children. Lou's charity is the Art Has Heart Foundation. Everyone encourages us to donate.
Then it's time for a food trial. John's latest scroll says this one is called "Head of Horror." John thinks something goes around your head, and they drop things in it. Holly has a new motivation to win, so that she can be the comeback kid. They walk out their food trial. They find Myleene and Damien in the jungle. Damien asks Holly if she missed camp, and she did. But we already knew that. Maybe Damien should pay closer attention. Damien reminds them the food trial is individual and only one of them will win. They're playing for a double cheeseburger with fries. Here's how Head of Horror works: They stick their heads, two at a time, into plastic square things and race to dislodge the stars with only their teeth. The catch, of course, is that they will not be alone in there. And this is the moment where I must say: EAT THE RICE AND BEANS. I would eat rice and beans my entire life before playing this game. I hope someone is smart enough to just pass. Sanjaya looks freaked. The three finalists will go head to head (head to head to head, I believe, if it's three; there are three heads) to establish the one winner. You can forfeit as always, but your opponent still has to complete the task to win.
Up first, Holly and Patti. Holly sticks her head in with the stick bugs, cockroaches, and giant beetle-looking things, but Patti's out. No cheeseburger and fries are worth it. Smart lady. (I cannot believe I just said that.) Holly keeps trying. She gets one star and then the other, then pulls her head out and shakes. up: John and Sanjaya. John says he can't go against jungle boy, and Sanjaya's like, "I hope it's not tarantulas." Damien likes Sanjaya giving John a taste of his own medicine. John says, "This is so stupid, this game!" Yes, it is, John. Don't do it. Even if you win this round, you only have a one in three chance. They reveal the boxes are full of spiders, and John says to Damien and Myleene, "You've gotta be out of your rabid-ass mind." I love him. Commercials. Including the Bruno trailer. I want to see it because I love the show, but the trailer does not make me laugh.
Myleene and Damien. Blah, blah, blah, repeating themselves. Back in the jungle. More repeating what just happened. John and Sanjaya both try, but Sanjaya gets it first. John says he had to face his fear, because his daughters can't see him not do something. You know, I think you could make an exception for something like this. Torrie and Lou are last. Torrie was nervous because Lou always wins. They have reptiles and snakes in theirs. And since there was a preview earlier in which Lou had tarantulas crawling all over his head, I think we know what happens. That's some really stupid previewing, show. Not that I'd expect anything else with this idiocy. And not that I'd be on the edge of my seat anyway. Torrie has a lizard on her face, which is nowhere near as scary as bugs or spiders. Lou gets his stars done first. Torrie's frustrated that he keeps winning.
Final round: Holly, Sanjaya and Lou face off for a cheeseburger. They have to stick their head in with tarantulas. Holly doesn't even start. Sanjaya gives up pretty quickly after Lou gets his first star, but Lou still has to get the second one through. It doesn't look easy and two tarantulas are crawling all over his face and head as he does it, but he manages to finish. Someone calls Lou a champion, and John says, "No, he's not a champion; he's a psycho. There's a difference." I'm totally with John. Lou says his daughters were inspiring him. Lou says his only fear was that his tongue might look appetizing to the tarantulas. Everyone tells us how much they want to win, but someone's leaving later. "For good." Forgive me for being skeptical. Commercials.
Myleene and Damien welcome us back to finale week. Back in camp, the campers receive a scale to find out how much they weigh now that they've been eating so much rice and beans. John went from 256 pounds to 235. He's lost 21 pounds in 22 days. Sort of insane. Patti went from 132 to 122 pounds. Sanjaya went from 132 to 124. Torrie went from 132 to 139. She doesn't understand it, but everyone says it's all muscle, because she works out three times a day. Holly went from 132 to 123. Lou went from 176 to 161. Am I the only one who thinks it's odd that Patti, Holly, Sanjaya, and Torrie all started out at the same weight? I would never have guessed that. John says he guesses he's the biggest loser. Hardly.
Food shows up that night: It's just one burger, with fries and onion rings for Lou, and everyone else eats watches and salivates. They say it's "huge" and "big" and "dangerous" a lot. That's what she said. Lou thinks he might not be able to finish it, but just like the challenges, he doesn't give up. Even though Sanjaya and Torrie covet it and drool over it the whole time, he eats the whole thing. No penalties for Lou. Back with Myleene and Damien, who say the camera (and that burger) adds ten pounds. They tell us that each celebrity got to bring a personal luxury item to the jungle, and John was smart enough to bring a camera to the jungle full of cameras.
Back in camp, they all look through his digital photos. There's Frangela, Speidi, Stephen. They all look back at the pictures and the moments he's captured. There's a picture of John and Patti on the first day, which he says was the start of a great friendship. There are a bunch of pictures of Speidi asleep. John: "That's what they did a lot. After arguing with people." They all think John's captured some amazing moments. Lou thinks it's sobering to look back at the journey they've taken and the weight they've lost. They miss Stephen. John says the pictures make them all realize how beautiful this place is. John says he knew this experience would be amazing and he wanted to be able to share it with everyone. Lou asks if he really looked that flabby when they came in. John, totally matter-of-fact, "Yeah." Lou: "Damn!" Hee. How is it possible I like most of these people now? I think this is proof that this show has killed brain cells. Commercials.
Damien and Myleene welcome us back again. They remind us yesterday was Father's Day, even in the jungle. Back in camp, Lou gives Holly the hug he would have given his daughters on Father's Day. He says it was the first one he missed in eleven years. No one else remembered until he said it. Lou says being away from his kids is the hardest thing about being here. Everyone tells John and Lou "Happy Father's Day." John misses his girls at home. Torrie reads a scroll telling John and Lou they'll get to use Skype to connect with their families back home. Sanjaya's happy for them, but disappointed he doesn't get to talk to his dad. Patti says it's the first Father's Day she missed, but being away from Rod is the best thing that's ever happened to her. Or something like that.
On Skype, John's wife and girls tell him they love him. He says it was "off the chain," because his girls looked so wonderful. "And how pretty was my dog?" So cute that he's as excited about the dog as the family. Everyone watches him talk to his family. Someone on the phone tells him he's lost a lot of weight, and he says, "I've lost 21 pounds. Bean diet. You should try it with me when I get home." Um, did he just call one of his daughters fat? Because that might be the kind of thing that makes them miss you less, you know. John says it was a great Father's Day gift. Lou's turn. His wife and little daughter are there. He asks his wife to call his other three daughters to tell them they're the best things he's ever done and that the best thing he'll ever be is their daddy. He continues about how much he loves them all. It's very sweet, and everyone's weepy watching it. John and Lou are sort of sad after, because they miss their families so much. Back with Myleene and Damien, who remind us the celebrities are here for charity and we can donate.
Back in camp, Myleene and Damien show up in the pouring rain. Lou says they thought it was a day of rest until the hosts showed up to throw curves at them. The celebrities find out it's time for one of them to leave the jungle, but they'll have a chance to fight to stay. They tell Holly she'll have to fight to stay since she was voted out last time. She's glad to at least get to fight this time. John's the one facing Holly in the head-to-head vote. He's disappointed and guesses he doesn't have the audience he thought. I am also puzzled, because he got all the votes in that one leadership quiz competition, and also: He's awesome. What is wrong with America? He says it doesn't feel good to him. Myleene explains it's Holly versus John at the Last Chance Saloon, and only one of them will come back to camp. John says losing isn't an option. He says if he's voted out, that's one thing, but he will not lose by being beaten. Everyone wishes them well. Patti obviously wants John to win. She asks him if he knows what wives used to say to their spouses before sending them off to war. John's guess: "I'm pregnant." She says, no, it was "Come back with your shield, or on it." I like his answer better. Sanjaya wants Holly to win. Lou will be proud of whoever wins. They head off into the jungle.
At the Last Chance Saloon, it's miraculously not raining. They must be under a big tent. Damien asks them what it might mean if it's their last day in the jungle. They want to win, yadda, yadda. This could have been an hour. Easily. They're both in it to win it. Myleene explains the rules: They will be served five rounds of drinks. The winner of each round will be the first to down all the contents of their glasses. We see a glass with a tarantula in it, and one with a beetle. I really hope it's not smashed bugs in those glasses, but I wouldn't put it past this show. The first person to win three rounds goes back to camp. The loser leaves the jungle forever, "never to return." You know, unless someone else decides to leave tomorrow. John says there are things he won't do and things he doesn't do, but nothing he can't do. Let's hope.
First drink: Grasshopper cocktail, which is blended grasshopper and crickets. Holly gets her glass to the table first, and John thinks he's at a disadvantage because of his height. Which is sort of true, because it was a matter of seconds. drink: tarantula teaser, which is blended tarantula. John's bending over this time, to be closer to the drink. John wins that round, easily. Damien asks him what is was like to drink his worst fear. He says it tastes like pistachios, because in his mind that's what he likes so that's what it all tastes like. But then he tells us in confessional that it was hairy and gross and they spit out whatever wasn't caught in their teeth. Ew. drink: Dung beetle daiquiri. Which is somehow bright blue. John looks horrified, and we go to commercial. Right, because he drank tarantula, but won't drink that. Whatever.
We're back with the dung beetle daiquiri. It's in a martini glass. John barely gets it down first. Neither of them liked it, and she says it scratches your throat. He's not looking so hot, either. Damien tells us that if John gets one more, he wins. In case you can't count to three yourself. drink: scorpion sunrise, which has a dead scorpion floating in it. Damien says it's an "extra element," which I guess means they have to eat it. The drink is RED, by the way, so I don't actually know what's in it, but I don't think scorpions would be red. Also, who is paid to blend up creatures for this show? And where is PETA when we need them? (I'm kidding. Don't email me.) Holly gets that one first. They both swallow their scorpions whole, but Damien and Myleene make a big deal about her doing it, and she says it's stingy. Last drink: Chili coladas, which are hot pepper chilies blended into a glass. Um, really? John gets his glass down first, but Damien pretends it's too close to call and we have to "review the tape." We get to see it again, and it's still obvious. Damien says that after reviewing the tape, we will declare the winner... John. Wow, that fake drama was awesome.
Holly thinks John better win now. He talks about why they brought her back instead of "that other person." And as he does that, he pours the rest of Holly's chili drink into his glass and drinks it. He says it's his victory champagne. And he pours some of it on his head. Holly tells him he better win now. He says he better. He heads back to camp and says he came to win. He loves Holly, but if it's between "me and you losing, I'll take you losing." Holly leaves with no regrets. She knows everyone in camp will be a friend for life. Back in camp, Patti and Sanjaya talk about how their two best friends are competing, and only one will come back. Torrie says one of them will be really upset, and they're just hoping it will be the other one. Lou says he is sad no matter who leaves, but it's the first time they've been threatened with losing John. Patti's worried because Holly's fearless and John's a vegan. Yeah, well, not so much anymore, I think. Everyone sits around camp, restless, when John comes whistling back in. Lou greets him, and Patti's totally relieved. He tells them how close it was, and how good Holly was. They're all proud of Holly for fighting hard. Sanjaya will miss her, but the relationship isn't over.
Damien and Myleene are right outside of camp, and they tell us how we can vote. Then they send us back to camp to help us decide who to vote for. Everyone sits around the camp, talking. John says Patti's a competitor, and we flashback to Patti's moments, including eating the tarantula. Lou says in confessional that maybe the guys shouldn't have given her immunity the first week. John tells her he still wants to beat her. Sanjaya talks about how competitive John is, and how he likes to get in the other people's heads. Lou thinks John's his top competition. Torrie says Lou's a threat because he's a fit, physical man. John says Lou's the top competitor, but John will beat his ass on Wednesday. Lou's won every competition he's been in. Torrie says she's yet to see Lou break, but it has to happen. They talk about Torrie: She's strong, determined, hard-working. Her only fault, according to Lou, is that she knows he can beat her. She says these boys think they're tough, but she's going to win. They all thought Sanjaya would be a wimp, but he isn't. Lou says he's not playing the game, though; he's just being Sanjaya. Oh, and he'll eat anything. We get a flashback to that. They all say how badly they want to win. Commercials.
Damien and Myleene are just outside of camp. They're about to go into camp to reveal that two more celebrities will be eliminated tomorrow. They head in and tell the five that no one is going home tonight, but two of them will be leaving tomorrow, so only three will make it to the "grand final" on Wednesday. Damien tells them they're live to America right now, and he gives them one last opportunity to fight for their place in the final by standing up and letting America know why you deserve to be king or queen of the jungle. Sanjaya: He's outlasted everyone lying face down head first in a tank full of creepy crawlies, and drank a cow-intestine smoothie ("delicious, by the way"), and he went shopping on a tight rope. He thinks he's worked hard and deserves it because he's the baby.
John says hi to his family, and then says he should be king because king means you have strength and he has that and has used that to help others, and he's been resourceful, so he deserves it. Patti says she's nearly drowned in a river, been bitten by a tick, had Janice strapped to her back, but she's earned the respect of her campmates. Good speech. Torrie goes all ditzy blonde, all "America! Please vote for me!" She's been giving 110 percent, and isn't going down without a fight. Lou gives much love to his family, and then tells America he loves us, he hopes we've had fun and he's tried to do his best for us, and treated everyone with respect and admiration. He impersonates Elvis and says that's why he deserves to be king, baby. Everyone laughs, and Damien reminds them two will go home tomorrow night. Everyone hollers at their families some more. Sanjaya jumps up and down like always. Outside camp, Damien and Myleene tell us goodbye and they'll see us tomorrow. Why, yes, you will. But only for TWO MORE DAYS!
Discuss this episode in our forums, and watch episodes here. Then see why vloggers Val and Beth think that Sanjaya's presence should have been a warning to others in TV is the Answer!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.