As you may have noticed, for some irritating reason (a.k.a. the Video Music Awards) I Love Money was pre-empted last week and replaced with a giant pink screen directing people to change the channel and watch the aforementioned Video Music Awards. So this herpes-addled yawnfest was dragged out another week and we had to watch Russell Brand for two hours. Life is really not fair sometimes.
Daybreak at La Casa de Crabs. And speaking of Crabs, Hoopz is bedded down with Mr. Body Lice himself, Real. Pimptastic! Hoopz fake sleeps while Real gropes her in hopes of getting some nicey-nice. In the confession cam, Real admits that he has developed some strong feelings for Hoopz and he may have to do something bold and drastic. How bold and drastic? He surprises Hoopz with flowers for Valentine's Day. Aw, pimp has a soft side. Meanwhile, Hoopz confesses that she has a boyfriend back home, but it's cool because Real is respectful and keeps his distance. Um, skank? What's up with sleeping in the same bed with him? That ain't right. Hoopz and Real hug for about twenty minutes over the flowers, while everyone in the room awkwardly watches and/or avoids watching. Whiteboy is concerned by this turn of events and vows to keep his eye on Real. Just one eye. The other will be tastefully averted in the case of any more hugging.
Megan and Pumkin want to win today. Unlike the other players who really want to lose. They secretly strategize for the challenge ahead. Craig calls and announces that today's challenge will involve "hanging on." They have an hour to prep. The Entertainer uses his hour to call his mother because he is feeling a bit lonely after retardedly getting rid of his one and only remaining alliance-mate last week. By the way, courtesy of VH1's crack graphics department, we get to see that The Entertainer's mother has the most amazing head of beehived Jersey hair this side of Hairspray. As The Entertainer and his mother exchange barbs over long distance, we realize that The Entertainer needs to get out of his parents' house, like, bad.
The skanktestants are dropped off at their Challenge destination and Pumkin is glad to see that there are stripper poles and disco balls awaiting them. With Megan, Brandi and Pumkin's experience in this arena, she is confident they are going to win this Challenge. Craig announces that the Challenge is called "The Pole Dance." At the mere mention of a stripper pole we are treated to a few of the classier clips from Rock of Love. God, I can't wait 'til Rock of Love Girls: Charm School starts airing. Craig explains that the person who hangs on the pole the longest will become Paymaster. That said, there is a twist. The first person to fall off the pole is getting their check voided right then and there. No arguments, no alliances, just voided. Awesome. If this sort of thing keeps up this show may actually have an end in sight. Pumkin realizes that her secret alliance may be in trouble, since they are the physically weakest of the remaining cast members. Brandi cries as the cast members are lifted into the air. She is afraid of heights. Every reality show has to have at least one person forced to face their fear of heights. It's in the reality show by-laws. Whiteboy is concerned about facing off against ex-strippers and current strippers and others familiar with the old pole. Craig shouts up to the skanktestants that this competition is as much about strength as technique. Thirty seconds in, and The Entertainer is sliding down the pole. Pumkin shouts that it hurts her vajayjay. Class, thy name is Pumkin. The Entertainer is still sliding. Then, at one minute and twenty-three seconds, the unthinkable happens and The Entertainer crashes down into the water. And just like that, he is out. He looks pale in his confessional interview. He did not want to lose, but he is a loser. He lives at home with his parents and now has to pack up his bags and go back. You almost feel bad for the guy. Then you remember that he is a total loser.
Back to the poles, Whiteboy announces that he has testicles. Which, considering his Neil Diamond tattoo and his predilection to wear camisoles, is informative. He can't deal with juggling the two poles between his legs. He lets go. Pumkin is . Then Real. Five minutes in and Brandi drops. It is up to Toastee, Megan, and Hoopz. Eleven minutes in and Toastee can't take it any more. She announces that she trusts both Hoopz and Megan and lets go of the pole. Hoopz can't take it and starts to give up. She slides down the pole. Whiteboy stops her. He tells her to hold on. Megan is pissed, she wants her fake boyfriend, Whiteboy, to be rooting for her. Due to the encouragement of Real and Whiteboy, Hoopz decides to hold on. At 20 minutes, it's Hoopz and Megan. At 30 minutes it's still Hoopz and Megan. Forty minutes and it's still Hoopz and Megan. Megan is slipping but is determined to hold on. Hoopz tells Megan that she won't eliminate her. She pinky swears without letting go of the pole. After 40 plus minutes Megan decides to trust Hoopz. She splashes down and Hoopz becomes Paymaster. But before we get to all the politicking, strategizing, pimping and whoring, we have to say goodbye to The Entertainer. He takes his dismissal with dignity and class. Even Craig is surprised by this. The Entertainer says that it hasn't sunk in yet, but on the plane home he'll start punching himself in the face. Can you imagine sitting to that on the plane? Cripes.
Pumkin has realized that with The Entertainer gone and Hoopz as the Paymaster, her alliance is screwed. Pumkin and Toastee decide to throw Megan under the proverbial bus. During a swim with Hoopz and Real, they talk trash, backstab, and generally enumerate all the reasons Hoopz should get rid of Megan. While Real extols his hatred of Megan, we cut to a shot of her fresh from some wet-making activity picking out a thong. Thanks for that, VH1 editing team! Brandi cries while Pumkin and Toastee try to convince her to vote Megan into the Box. Despite their best effort to convince her that the only way she can stay is if Megan is in the Box, Brandi is having none of it. Megan is her BFF, and it's clear that Toastee and Pumkin have their own alliance. You know who's also in Toastee and Pumkin's alliance? Lily, Megan's treacherous Chihuahua, who is lolling about in Pumkin's traitorous lap during the entire discussion. That little bitch. Brandi immediately goes and tattles to Megan. Megan is appalled. There is room for only one plotting, manipulative, scheming whore in this house. Megan declares war on Pumkin and Toastee. She turns her sights on Whiteboy. She tells him (with Brandi nodding along like a bleachy-haired bobble-head doll) that Toastee told Megan to "get Whiteboy" before dropping off the pole yesterday. Whiteboy is shocked. Shocked! He wants to get to the bottom of this immediately. Megan, Whiteboy, and Brandi storm into Toastee's room. Once again there are no sheets on the bed. Is VH1 too cheap to spring for sheets? Or is Toastee content to roll around on a bare mattress? Anyway. Megan storms up to Toastee and yells, "J'accuse!" Toastee rolls her eyes. They call each other lying skanky bitches for awhile. Pot, kettle, pot, kettle. Whiteboy can't tell who is lying. Hoopz can't either, but she knows the only honest folks are her, Real, and Whiteboy. And that is a sad state of affairs by any measure.
Vault! The skanktestants have 15 minutes to decide which three contestants will be in the Box. Real takes charge. He announces that since he has never gone on a date with Hoopz he wants to take this opportunity to put himself in the Box. This Power Outing will be his first date. Aw shucks. Pimp in love! The voting continues. No one votes for Whiteboy. Megan and Brandi vote for Toastee, but much to Megan's annoyance Whiteboy abstains. Same vote count for Pumkin. When it comes to Brandi, Pumkin and Toastee vote for her to go in the Box and Real joins them, so Brandi is in the Box. Megan's turn. Pumkin, Toastee, and Real vote for her. Megan can't believe Real is siding with the skanky bitches. Real tells her he heard her on the pole when she was strategizing with Toastee and Brandi to put him in the Box. I don't remember whether or not that actually happened, but I don't really care. While I am happy to see her clothed this episode, I'm still glad to see her, her boobs, and her asscrack up for elimination. This does not sit well with Megan. She confronts Whiteboy about not backing her play against Toastee and Pumkin. Whiteboy has nothing to say, but his Neil Diamond tattoo can't keep his big mouth shut, "He's not voting! He's Switzerland!" Megan risks future Botox injections and actually frowns as Craig confirms the majority vote and puts Megan's check in the Box. In the confessional, Toastee laughs at Megan, "Karma's a bitch!" Didn't Karma get kicked off the show during the first episode?
Brandi C. is pissed. She can't believe she was ever in an alliance or a friendship with Pumkin and Toastee, the lying skanks. She opts for passive aggressiveness: "I can't believe you guys are eating again! You're so fat! Hahahahhaha." Man, she should totally head to Afghanistan with that act. Pumkin opts to respond with aggressive aggressiveness and chases after Brandi yelling, "Hit me! Hit me!" like a desperate bottom at a cut-rate S & M club. Brandi and Pumkin are screaming so loudly that they interrupt Megan's interview that is taking place outside. She hears Brandi's screams and like a near-naked Mighty Mouse swoops into save the day. We get a lovely shot of her ass crack as she runs towards the Casa. She rushes in and sprays Pumkin with water like she is a crazed rottweiler (which is actually sort of an apt comparison). Pumkin then turns on Megan screaming, "Hit me! Hit me!" some more. She yells at Megan, "Just because you're taller doesn't mean you're a bigger person." Megan rips a page from Brandi C.'s playbook and laughingly tells Pumkin, "Obviously you're the bigger person." 'Cause, you know, all girls are insecure about their weight. Since they can't actually fight without getting kicked out of the house, instead the girls douse each other with water and insults. None of them seem to be taking it too seriously and there are quite a few shots of Megan walking around looking bored and then cutting to a shot of someone getting doused with a pitcher of orange juice. I would say that it looks a bit staged, but this is a reality show. At any rate, few things are more boring to watch than a catfight where the kittens have been declawed. Sorry, PETA. The most interesting part of the fight is watching the bleachy-haired bitches toss blue drinks and red drinks and yellow drinks at each other and watch it stick in their hair like Kool-Aid hair dye. Cheap fun!
Meanwhile, Real is on the phone with his "bro." He is not interested in scheming or conniving today, he has something up his sleeve and he does not want to be distracted from it. Today's Power Outing is a horse ride on the beach. Brandi is taken aback by the beauty. She is feeling sentimental because this could be her last ride with Megan. I'm sure there is a dirty joke in there somewhere, but I am too bored to bother making it. Feel free to insert your own. Hoopz and her hot pink cowboy hat take the opportunity to get to know Megan and Brandi better. Brandi and Megan out Pumkin and Toastee as being part of their alliance. They don't admit that there was an actual alliance, though, or that Megan was the ringleader. Hoopz stupidly thought that Pumkin and Toastee were on their team, and she and Real are shocked (shocked!) to learn that their trust has been betrayed. It's a game, people. Everyone is competing against everyone! Accept it! Hoopz and Real can't believe that Pumkin and Toastee betrayed them. They know the wrong people are in the Box this time. Unfortunately for Hoopz, she is Paymaster and must void one of the loser's checks. Hoopz doesn't want to go back on her promise to Megan to keep her safe, but since Brandi isn't a threat, she may have to get rid of Megan.
Brandi and Megan leave Hoopz and Real alone for their ten-minute date. A waitress hands Real a suspiciously-shaped package. Real confesses that he has butterflies. I know what we're supposed to think is happening, but, really, whatever. A big whatever. Hoopz is fretting about her upcoming decision. Real tells her to focus on him. As his pimp mane blows in the breeze, he tells her that he loves her. She laughs. He brings it back to the serious. He gets down on one knee. Hoopz is horrified and laughing and horrified some more. He has a ring. Brandi spots what's going on and screams, "Are you down on one knee?" He laughs, "Yeah." Brandi screams in glee. Hoopz looks at him like he's crazy as he shoves a ring in her face. She can't believe this. She says something about why didn't he wait, and he yells, "Carpe Diem!" Except not in Latin. She doesn't say anything. Real wants an answer by the end of the day. He says that if she doesn't give him an answer the ring is going back in the box. Hoopz giggles. I gag. And giggle. I am a girl, after all.
Back at the Casa de Creepy, Hoopz finds Whiteboy. She says she found out a lot on the power outing. He shoves some food in his mouth and nods. She adds, "Real proposed to me." Whiteboy chokes. They both double over laughing, but stop short when Real walks in. In the confessional, Hoopz tells us that she likes him, but she can't take it to that level, so she kind of wishes he had never proposed. I kind of wish that this whole thing will be so awkward that Hoopz will send Real home to soak his head in reality for awhile. In another room of the house, Brandi is not dealing with the stress very well. She collapses on the bed in tears. She and Megan canoodle on the bed and talk about their hopes, dreams, and undying hatred for Pumkin and Toastee.
Elimination Time. Craig and Hoopz are wearing matching outfits. Seriously, it's like they got dressed together, her in a black dress with silver swirly decals and him in a black t-shirt with silver swirly decals. They'd be a cute couple -- I mean, if she wasn't twice taken. Craig announces that it started with 17 contestants and now there are seven. More than half are gone and another is leaving now. Bikini-clad Megan and Brandi hold each other while Real looks distant. Hoopz has not answered his proposal yet. Before they start the elimination process, Brandi asks if she can say something. Craig looks at her askance, but says yes. Brandi steps up to the podium and sobs. She looks confused. Real tells her he doesn't understand. I don't understand, either. Brandi steps up and asks Hoopz to void her check. She is quitting. She doesn't know who Hoopz is going to choose, but she wants Hoopz to know that Pumkin and Toastee are lying-ass bitches. The lying-ass bitches smirk on the sideline, safe. Megan smirks, too, because now she's not going home. Brandi says she doesn't want to quit, but she doesn't want to stay with the fatty fatsons over on the bench. Toastee interviews that she's sick of Brandi's tears and wants them to hurry up and void her check already. Craig stops Brandi's concession speech. He won't do anything until he is totally sure that this departure is real. Brandi affirms her decision and Craig voids her check. Everyone is smirking as she dramatically (not really) leaves the show.
In her post-departure interview, her face is stained with mascara runoff as she tearfully says that she did it for Megan. She thinks Megan could win this competition and she knows they will be BFF forever. Megan probably made her do it. You know she has Brandi's family held captive in Utah and will kill them with her laser robot eyes if Brandi doesn't sacrifice herself on the altar of I Love Money. Hoopz laughs at the drama. Craig calls everyone to order. Even though Brandi left the show, the Paymaster must have three people to choose from for elimination. Holy hockey. Are we really going to get rid of three people during this one episode? I freaking love this show! Pumkin and Toastee look really nervous as Craig hauls everyone back to the Vault. Megan laughingly interviews that by quitting, Brandi actually managed to totally screw Toastee and Pumkin. Hahahahaha! Unfortunately, the revenge of Brandi C. will have to wait for week, when someone else will be eliminated, and we'll be one step closer to the end of this interminable show. Finally, something to look forward to!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why I Love Money makes vloggers Val & Beth think TV is the Answer!