After last week's elimination of Mr. Boston, no one at La Casa des Crabs wastes a moment bemoaning his departure. There is no rending of clothes, no pulling hair, no gnashing of teeth, no sackcloth, no ashes. There is, however, a great deal of hatred of Destiney. Which may seem inexplicable, but I will try to explicate. See: Destiney has hooked up with The Entertainer. Who is on another team. This is traitorous behavior. Plus, everyone on this show is mildly retarded. As Craig sends everyone back to the house to talk about how much they hate Destiney, we see a lot of cross team talking, wheeling, and dealing. Hoopz is so chagrined by 12 Pack's decision to spare Destiney and send home Boston that she is fed up with the whole team, despite the fact that the majority of her team agrees with her. Toastee is also mad that 12 Pack chose to eliminate Boston instead of Destiney. In my opinion neither player was particularly strong, but Boston was far, far more annoying. Maybe Toastee secretly loved Mr. Boston and all his skeevy, sleazy, namby-pamby, pandering ways. Those two would have horrifying children. The Stallionaires seem to be wooing the women of the Gold Team to their alliance. Hos before bros, hos!
Ah morning. Destiney and The Entertainer are cuddled up in bed thrilled that their love has survived one more elimination. They kiss a little and stare into each other's eyes. The sweetness of the moment is mitigated by the fact that 12 Pack and Heather are doing the exact same thing in a bed not 10 feet from them. If you're on a reality show, do you just completely give up on any sense of privacy? Or is everyone on a reality show an exhibitionist? Destiney testifies that she would have gone home last night if not for her friendship with 12 Pack. 12 Pack then tells us that he knows everyone will be out to get him now. Destiney knows everyone is out to get her, too. Paranoia, the new Montezuma's revenge. The Entertainer announces that things between him and Destiney are so great, he even holds his farts in for her. I bet Hallmark has a card for that!
Real tells us that he, Pumkin and Toastee have an alliance of some sort. They may have an alliance, but I bet they can't spell it. Chance jumps on the Destiney-hating bandwagon on the grounds that she is a sneaky snake who is making his team weak. As opposed to Megan. Or Brandi C. Whatever. The inner workings of these people's minds are beyond me, and I am a-okay with that.
At the team meeting, the day's challenge is announced. It is promised that someone will go over the edge. I can only hope they mean literally. Brandi wants to captain the Green Team, but she is overruled and Real steps up. The Gold Team lets Toastee take the helm. As the team meeting gets out, 12 Pack tries to get Hoopz to talk about her feelings about the elimination. She is angry that he made an alliance with someone on the Green Team, but wisely opted to keep her emotions bottled up and only let the camera know her pain. So post-modern!
Today's challenge is called "The Crying Game," and although I have great hopes that they will reveal that a member of the Stallionaires and Rodeo are actually women, the challenge is much more literal. The contestants are required to shed a tear. Just one. And they have tools to help, namely: an onion, tweezers, cayenne, a cigar, and hot sauce. One member of each team will be required to produce a tear au natural. Each member has a line drawn on their face and their tear has to pass that line in order to count. The Gold Team has more members than the Green so they choose Hoopz to sit out the competition because they know she won't cry. Bottle up and explode, Hoopz! Bottle up and explode!
As the competition starts, Pumkin fills her eyes with cayenne pepper. She claims not to know what cayenne is, and she truly may not, but holy frijoles that was effective. She busts about 20 tears over her face line in no time flat. I once diced a jalapeno and then rubbed my eye and it watered for half an hour, so I can't even begin to imagine how much a pinch of cayenne in the eye must hurt. I guess I could mace myself if I really wanted to find out. Maybe I'll try that before America's Got Talent! Pumkin spends the rest of the competition dousing her eyes with water and begging for an eye transplant.
Heather and her onion are the to cry, followed quickly by The Entertainer and his tweezers. Despite their best efforts, the Green Team can't get a tear out. Chance finally sticks a smoking cigar in his eye in order to produce a lone droplet. He then announces he is gangster, which is probably the only time crying has been equated with gangsterness. If only Tupac were alive to bust a rhyme about that. Destiney then gets out a tear, giving the Green Team two tears to the Gold Team's three. 12 Pack shoves hot sauce in his eye to cry, but Toastee can't get a tear from her cigar, so she asks 12 Pack to smack her. He does, she cries. The only one left on the Gold Team is Rodeo who must cry without any implements. Heather tries to talk her off that ledge by pointing out what a crap mom she is. Um, thank you?
Megan and Whiteboy each manage to get out a tear. Brandi C. tries everything to cry. Megan slaps her to no avail (but fun!) and then Whiteboy suggests she gag herself. So we get to watch Brandi C. stick her fingers down her throat and gag until she cries. Real is doing nothing. He wasn't even trying to cry. He did a little manscaping with his tweezers and gave up. Not much of a team player. But it doesn't matter, because Rodeo has managed to wrassle a tear down the arroyos on her face and as it heads to the corral the Gold Team wins for the third week in a row!
Destiney knows she is going home. Her only hope of survival is if Toastee remembers that during the first episode Destiney let her stay if she promised to have her back if the tables were turned. Destiney is aware that everyone on her team and on the Gold Team hates her. She is sad. It hurts her feelings. She is purportedly human. She packs her bags and complains to The Entertainer, who attempts to console her by saying that this mental duress is nothing compared to what she would suffer after six years with him. I'm not sure why he thinks that is a good thing to say, but he said it. While Destiney cries on The Entertainer's big broad shoulder, downstairs the party is raging. Brandi C. is determined to suck up to Toastee since she is Paymaster this week. Sucking up to Toastee involves slurping whipped topping off of her forearms and vacuuming strawberries out of her mouth. That would have the opposite effect on me, but whatever floats Toastee's boat. Toastee tells the confessional that everyone was kissing her ass except Destiney.
The Entertainer has a plan to save Destiney. He is going to get fake drunk and stage a fake fight with Destiney (obviously something involving a threesome that has gone awry) that will send Destiney into the arms of the other girls who will fake console her over her fake breakup. Sounds like an Acme Brand Surefire Plan to me. The only way it won't work is if everyone is too drunk to notice. Drunkenness in this house? No way! Amid the topless bar shots (Heather), pizza tossing (Chance), and debauchery (everyone else), The Entertainer's plan never has a chance. Wow, those people can drink. And where do you get pizza delivery in Mexico?
As the Green Team heads into the vault, Craig announces the fallout from the Mr. Boston freakout. He explains that because things got physical and out of control last week, Craig is now going to be locked into the vault with the team. Lucky Craig! He will be the only person to touch the checks and the only one to put them into The Box. Look at Vh1 getting all in loco parentis on us. Brandi C. volunteers to go in The Box because she was second to last, but feels like she is safe, what with all that whipped topping she licked off of Toastee. Unsurprisingly the team then votes Destiney into The Box. The third name in The Box is Real's. In the words of Chance, he soldiered up. If Toastee was smart, she would definitely get rid of Real, but I guess that is the question: Is Toastee smart? The Gold Team is called in and the results are announced. The Entertainer tells us that he is going to blow up the house if Destiney is sent home. Maybe Craig will move into the house week because of that threat? He looks like a guy who knows how to party Joe Francis style.
On the Power Outing, the minivan drops Brandi, Destiney, Toastee, and Real out in the woods with only a matchstick, a Bowie knife, and each other. Or that's what it seems like from their reaction to being dropped at a trailhead 50 feet from the beach. Fifty feet people, think your livers can make it? They are going snorkeling, which does not lend itself to talking out the issues, but sure looks like fun! Except for Destiney who is too sad. They don their masks, snorkels, and life preservers and gawkily walk to the water. Real spots a shark, soldiers up, and dog paddles back to shore in doubletime. Entertainingly, he doesn't tell the girls about the sharks. I guess soldiers know good strategy when it bites their little toes. He then gets a splinter and complains about it a lot, which does not seem very soldiery at all. Seriously, Real, if Brandi C. is mocking your splinter you know you should shut it.
During their champagne lunch of mystery items wrapped in foil (Burrito? Sandwich? MRE?), Real tries to justify why he should stay. Destiney points out the obvious fact that if Toastee really wants to do her team a favor, she should get rid of Real. She also reminds Toastee of the fact that she owes her one. Toastee elects to take five minutes in heaven with Real so he can further explain why Toastee should keep him instead of Destiney. His entire argument consists of the fact that she will need him and the girls are scheming. Oh, Toastee, are you really going to fall for that? It doesn't even make sense! And wasn't it just last week that you demanded 12 Pack get rid of the strongest player regardless of personal feeling? That wouldn't be a double standard would it? Oh Toastee, I guess that third "e" you lost stood for "ethics"?
Back at the Skank Ranch, The Entertainer pulls Toastee aside to try and convince her that Real should stay because she will need him and the girls are schemers. Just kidding! He reminds her that Destiney had her back during the first round and she should make a big bold move and actually live up to her word. Toastee tells the confession cam that she could make the biggest move ever and send Real home. She calls a team meeting. She can't figure out why she should send Destiney home when she has no power and Real does. 12 Pack, Heather, and The Entertainer agree with that assessment of the situation and say she should send Real home because it is their first chance to get rid of the Stallionaire alliance.
Hoopz cannot believe Toastee. She grabs Toastee by the ear and pulls her outside to remind her that she has an alliance with Real. She should stick to the plan. Pumkin can't believe Toastee is even considering sending Real home. She wants Destiney gone because she hates The Entertainer. I think that Pumkin's speech revealed a deep lack of understanding of the fundamentals of competition. But on this show I don't think it can hurt her. Anyway, Toastee has some thinking to do. I hope it doesn't hurt! Quick question: Where does Real buy his clothes? Those pants should have never been allowed across the border.
As we head into the Elimination, Real (looking pimptastic in a red turtleneck, black blazer, fedora, and sunglasses at night) is feeling stupid for putting himself in The Box especially since he found out that Toastee and Destiney made an agreement during the first competition. Destiney still feels that Toastee should send Real home since he is the stronger player. She knows that if Toastee sends her home, it was entirely personal. Before Toastee gets to eliminate someone, Craig asks The Entertainer if he will go home if Destiney is eliminated. While The Entertainer thinks about it the viewing audience is treated to a montage of lip locks, smooches, and make-out sessions, as well as clips of his life in his parent's house. He opts to stay. He's going to win, because he needs the money.
The first person to stay is Brandi C. Toastee loves her! Loves! We cut to commercial as Real and Destiney's, um, destiny hangs in the balance. One KY, one AT&T, one Verizon, one eHarmony, and one P. Diddy ad later, we are back to the elimination. Toastee calls Destiney up to The Box. The Entertainer grins like Destiney won. Toastee preaches that she is doing what she thinks is best for her team. While she appreciates that Destiney and The Entertainer invited her into their alliance, she already had an alliance. An alliance with The Stallionaires! No one bothers to look shocked. Destiney's check is voided. Destiney looks sad and as Craig hands off her voided check she sagely points out that it is a dirty game. Craig agrees and Destiney walks away into the arms of The Entertainer. They kiss and promise to write or see each other in church. In Destiney's departure interview she explains that she just doesn't play dirty and that's why she is leaving. She's probably right. Toastee calls Real up to reclaim his check. She knows that he is a strong competitor, but she is glad that he has her back. She knows that he will repay the favor later. Toastee knows this isn't a team competition, right? Right?
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