The Powers That Be here at Television Without Pity e-mailed me a few weeks ago asking if I would be willing to cover this show, since Lady Lola sensibly arranged to have herself shanghaied by hirsute sailors in order to avoid any further association with it. I agreed -- I mean, heck, I already cover America's Got Talent, so clearly I have something against my brain cells. I had never watched the show, but I had seen Rock of Love, so I was vaguely familiar with the "skank" oeuvre. In order to prepare myself for tonight's episode I needed to catch up on the drama. So I watched three episodes. In a row. I then took a shower, a shot of bourbon, and cried a little. I am now prepared to bring you the weecap of tonight's episode. God help us all.
In last week's episode, as predicted by the episode's title, Heat was sent home by The Entertainer in order to prove his love of Destiney and his gender's inability to think in the presence of Megan's boobs. I wonder if The Entertainer is humbled by the fact that Bret Michaels was man enough to send Megan home. More likely, though, is that Bret Michaels is gay. It's the only plausible explanation for his unique ability to withstand the awesome boobtasticness that is Megan. Or it's his superpower. Or he's gay. Whatever. My point is, Megan stayed and Heat and his patriotic shorts were sent packing. So long, love triangle!
At La Casa de Herpes, 12 Pack is preparing to clean up The Entertainer's mess. What mess? The not-getting-rid-of-Whiteboy mess. His plan? To get the Green Team to throw the challenge in order to get rid of Whiteboy. Brandi C., Megan and Mr. Boston are onboard with the plan because they are actually (and momentarily) self-aware enough to realize that no one likes them. 12 Pack promises that if they go along with him, they'll be safe, so obviously they agree. Destiney agrees to the plot as well, and the groundwork is set. I don't know why these people are listening to a man in a star-spangled spandex singlet with Sun-Inned hair. I guess in the context of everyone else in that house he looks downright Senatorial.
The challenge is announced. Mr. Jackson tells them to choose new captains, suit up, and head out. He gives them a clue involving the word "launched." It was very subtle. Chance is elected captain of the Green Team. Mr. Boston tells us that when they throw the challenge it will look like Chance's fault because he is in charge. The Gold Team elects 12 Pack. 12 Pack announces that The Entertainer is retarded. A clip of said Entertainer giggling rather retardedly is edited in. Nice job, editor! I can't believe you were so callously overlooked for that Emmy nod. 12 Pack tells us some more about how he has to clean up The Entertainer's mess and get Whiteboy out of the house.
This week's team challenge stems from an incident in Flavor of Love when some sad sap contestant served Flav's Mom raw chicken. The raw chicken inspired this week's Raw Chicken Catapult, in which a raw chicken is catapulted through the air to be caught and then placed on a table. The teams are divided into Builders and Catchers. Builders must put the catapults together and launch the poor chickens. Catchers are, well, do you really need that explained? Mr. Boston confesses that despite the complete stupidity of the task, they are still planning on throwing the challenge. Pumkin tells us that she is grossed out by the chicken. Pumkin? I think that's the point. And how do you think the chicken feels? There it was, just strutting around the farmyard, and then wham! It ends up flying buck-naked through the air on a basic cable reality show surrounded by bleachy-haired tools. KFC would be a blessing compared to this.
Chance then jumps in to profess his incredible building skills. He builds stuff, lots of stuff. He's great at it. Megan volunteers to be a Builder with Mr. Boston and Chance, and for some reason Chance lets her. Megan is excited to have the opportunity to really throw the competition. At the sound of the buzzer the teams run to start building the rather complicated catapults. On the Gold Team, Pumpkin, Toastee and 12 Pack make quick work of theirs. The Green Team with its two traitors is having a much more difficult time. Megan is more or less standing in one spot, while Mr. Boston does nothing more than walk in circles and ask to see the plans again. Needless to say Chance is going crazy and screaming a lot. Whiteboy is on the sideline (I guess he's a catcher, hee!) flitting between jumping up and down in his seat and hanging his head in horror. Boston tells the camera that he is thrilled to get back at Chance for all the times he's been mean to him. The Gold Team gets their catapult built and all the catchers run out into the field to catch the first chicken. The sight of a golden chicken flying through the air is pretty amusing. Not so amusing is Rodeo's leathery face. Good God, girl, moisturize! Gold Team has one chicken to Green Team's zero.
Gold Team throws and catches a second chicken and then a third. The Green Team finally finishes their catapult. 12 Pack narrates the action: "We got to keep catching chicken. We got to catch chickens!" Man, if catching chickens is the only thing you're worried about, you haven't been paying enough attention to the health records of your fellow cast members. In rapid succession, the Green Team pitches and catches several chickens. The Gold Team starts to get a bit nervous. Then tragedy strikes: Gold Chicken Number Four arcs gracefully through the air and smacks into Rodeo's face. It probably thought it was his mommy. Rodeo informs us that it felt like three hundred pounds, but her skin is so tough that the 300-pound chicken carcass bounced off of it like a toddler on a moon bounce.
After the chicken incident, Rodeo gets a bit gun -- er, make that chicken-shy, and when the chicken is catapulted through the air she gets a bit squirrelly and they lose the bird. Luckily for her teammates, she cowboys up and catches the chicken, runs it to the table, and the Gold Team wins! Five chickens to Green's three. 12 Pack is so thrilled at his team and his plan's success that he throws Heather down on the raw chicken covered table and makes out. So romantic! I thought they broke up last week over Heather's trust issues? Oh well, nothing a little salmonella can't fix. Obviously the Green Team is upset by the loss. Or at least the Stallionaires are. I really hate typing that word. It's not even a word. It's not even an approximation of a word. It's just aggravating, and I can't believe it is now in my vocabulary. Stupid Stallionaires. 12 Pack is now the Paymaster (there's another one) and he can't wait for the chance to kick Whiteboy out. I'm not sure why he's so convinced that Whiteboy will be nominated by his teammates, but he seems pretty sure of it.
After their tough day of tossing chickens, everyone heads back to La Casa to skank, sulk, or drink until they pass out in their own vomit. Everyone, that is, except for Chance and Whiteboy, who decide to go torture Mr. Boston. They barge into Boston's bedroom, whip the blankets off of his naked body, dump water on him, put a used wee pad on him, a sombrero on his head, stilettos on his feet, and kibble to his mouth. Mr. Boston pretends to be asleep or sick and just seems to go to his safe place in order to deal with this assault of juvenile thuggish stupidity. While I agree that Boston is a simpering douche who I would not like to ride the bus with, let alone sleep in the same house as, Whiteboy and Chance are despicable human beings. I have absolutely no doubt that they reached their peak as junior-high goons and never bothered evolving past that. I hate them.
I also hate Megan who is just standing there watching all of this. While I certainly don't expect dead-behind-the-eyes Megan of all people to intercede, I am still awestruck by her willingness to just stand there and watch. She tells the camera that she doesn't know how athletic he is or how many fights he's won, but Boston never stands up for himself. She always thought Boston was stupid, but now she realizes he's stupid andpathetic. She is so endearing. When Whiteboy and Chance toddle off to kick puppies and shotgun beers, Mr. Boston comes out of his happy place and stumbles into the shower to wash off Whiteboy's handiwork. Unfortunately, Brandi C. is already in the shower and she starts screaming for him to get out. He does not. Gah. This show is amazing in that every single character is equally deplorable in unique and different ways. It's a rainbow of awful!
Later, Whiteboy corners Megan to try and figure out whether or not she threw the challenge and is planning on voting him off. Megan says that she trusts Brandi and Boston. Whiteboy points out that Boston is totally weak and that if there are physical challenges, they'll need strong people on their team. Megan sleeps on it and comes to the realization that Whiteboy is right. She switches alliances. She and Whiteboy collude on who should go in The Box. They agree on Boston, Brandi, and Destiney. Megan makes Whiteboy promise that he will not vote her into The Box time. He agrees and then utters the most unlikely phrase ever spoken, "Megan is a soldier. We're going to need her in the long run."
Megan is determined to get Brandi on her side. She tells Boston that the whole team now wants to get rid of Destiney to break up The Entertainer alliance. She somehow convinces Boston that he has to go into The Box in order for them to get rid of Destiney. In the Vault the voting quickly unravels. Five people vote for Brandi C., five vote for Boston, a few vote for Destiney. Destiney bravely votes for Whiteboy and opines that she should never have formed an alliance with Boston because he lets the Stallionaires walk all over him. They walk, they sprinkle him with dog food, dump water on him. It's really sad. Speaking of sad, in order to prevent his check from going in The Box, Boston grabs it and hides it behind his back. He wants time to run out so that 12 Pack will swoop in and put Whiteboy in The Box. Chance and Whiteboy try to wrestle the check out of his hand, but the host steps in to remind them that there is "no physicality" on this show. Bed hopping, spit swapping, psychological abuse, and generally grossing out the audience? Fine. But don't cross the line into "physicality". VH1 has standards after all.
Brandi puts her check in. Destiney tries to put her check in, but Boston tells her that she shouldn't because everyone wants her out. She looks confused, but resigned. After a little more yelling by Boston she gives up and put her check in The Box. Boston is then cornered, his check ripped from his hand, and all three of the Stallionaires gang up and force his check into The Box. What happened to the no physicality rule? Boston then completely loses it and starts screaming and cursing and releasing what is undoubtedly a lifetime of repressed anger. He screams, spittle flies, profanity is used. He is particularly mad at Megan for her betrayal. Her nipples are extremely frightened by his outburst and try to make a run for it through her shirt. When The Box is finally opened in front of the Gold Team, Mr. Boston is not present. As the checks are revealed, 12 Pack is pissed when he realizes that Whiteboy is not in The Box and someone betrayed the alliance. He is determined to find out who done it. That will make a splendid return for Sherlock Holmes.
Outside, Mr. Boston is done. His bags are packed and he is crying in the driveway. He weepily tells 12 Pack's frosted tips that he doesn't want to be here anymore. 12 Pack's tips tell him that they are going on their power outing, they are going to figure out what happened, and someone is going home. Boston perks up when 12 Pack tells him there will be taquitos. At the power outing, Destiney plans on telling 12 Pack that she stuck to the plan and no one else did. 12 Pack starts the discussion by asking Destiney, Brandi, and Boston to explain how he ended up at a power outing with three people he promised wouldn't go home. At that, Boston gets up from the table and goes to sit on a rock by himself. Which is visually better than the puking he did last week, but slightly less productive.
Brandi tries to explain how she didn't go against the plan but then totally admits that the only person she voted into The Box was Boston. She tries to justify this on the grounds that she was trying to save Megan and Destiney, but 12 Pack (who is unexpectedly sage) isn't buying it. When time comes for him to have his 15 minutes of heaven with one of the contestants, 12 Pack chooses Boston who spent the entire time crying alone and playing the world's smallest violin. 12 Pack wants to get to the bottom of this. He is also wearing a shirt that matches his tattoo. Boston explains his side. He claims that in the Vault he just got scared of Whiteboy. That confession is hard for him and he starts to cry more. If he was anyone else it would be heartbreaking. But he's Mr. Boston so it's just raindrops from his eyes. 12 Pack tells the audience that he trusts Mr. Boston and he trusts Destiney, but Brandi C. is a big question mark.
Back at La Casa, the Gold Team listens to 12 Pack's findings. They are shocked that he promised Destiney immunity. According to Pumkin he told them that whoever was in that Box, he would eliminate the strongest player. I suppose if your other options are Boston or Brandi, it is easy see Destiney as a threat. The meeting disintegrates into a screaming match with The Entertainer popping up from his perch to laugh moronically whenever anyone points out that he may have screwed up last week's elimination. Pumkin tells the camera that she hates The Entertainer, but since her team keeps winning she can't get rid of him so she wants to get rid of his girlfriend. Which sort of explains all the Destiney hate, but really, Destiney seems rather innocuous compared to the syphilitic stupidity that is Megan. Pumkin screams some more, slams the door a bunch, and shouts that she was pretending it was The Entertainer's teeny, tiny penis. That's so weird -- so was I!
12 Pack is in a pickle. His whole team wants him to vote Destiney off, but he has a long-standing alliance with her. Two whole weeks at least! He doesn't want to go back on it, but doesn't want to piss off his team (more). Destiney tells the camera that if she gets sent home tonight then she'll know that 12 Pack was just playing her. But who cares, 'cause you'll be at home. What will you do, sit around the campfire at Burning Man telling tales of how 12 Pack played you? Regaling cashiers at the 7-11 of your big set up? Boring your kids with the saga? Good grief. At the dismissal ceremony, our intrepid host asks 12 Pack if these were the three people he expected to see on the chopping block. 12 Pack plays it cool and bullshits some theory about voting out the weakest link. Brandi calls him out and announces that there was a conspiracy to oust Whiteboy. Boston won't back her up for some reason. Megan denies all knowledge. Brandi finally berates Mr. Boston until he confirms that he, Megan, Brandi, and Destiney all threw the challenge in the hopes of getting rid of Whiteboy.
Chance is shocked (shocked!) his whole team hates him. Whiteboy grabs a soapbox and starts preaching about how the Gold Team bamboozled the weaker members of the Green Team in an attempt to get rid of their strongest players. He doesn't blame the Gold Team for their strategery, but he is pissed at the suckers on his team. Boston and Brandi then get in a verbal bitch match wherein he calls her a porn star a bunch and she calls him a liar with a wittle dick. Much to the delight of Heather, Boston points out that he wasn't erect while in the shower with her so she can't judge. Oh the horror.
12 Pack gives the first check to Destiney explaining that he doesn't think she is the strongest member of the team at all. He says it a few times so everyone knows he is serious. He does not think she is the strongest member of the team, got it? Brandi is convinced she is going home, but the one thing she is pinning her hopes to is that 12 Pack will realize that Mr. Boston is a total dillweed. 12 Pack can tell by the state of Mr. Boston's check that he went into the Vault fighting. 12 Pack then gives the check to Brandi because he considers her the weakest link. He tells the camera that Brandi C. is an idiot and the only reason he kept her around is because she is useless. Big win for Brandi C! Boston Just. Can't. Believe. It. He feels betrayed by 12 Pack, and he's going back to L.A. to hang out with his real friends. At the thought of his real friends, he tears up and walks off into the sunset. So long, Mr. Boston. May this be the end of your reality show hijinx.
And there we have it. Four episodes of I Love Money in one day. I have done irreparable damage to my brain cells. No amount of Omega 3s, soybeans or B-12 shots will reverse this. And I'll do it all over again week... Sigh.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what Sean Crespo has to say about the show when he has No Prior Knowledge!