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Ted's all worried about some article Zoey somehow got into a newspaper about how he wants to destroy The Arcadian, since she calls him and his friends "fat cats." They are so not fat cats, agree tuxedoed-up Marshall and Barney, as they all prepare to go to a big GNB fete at the Natural History Museum. Arthur introduces the gang to his college friend The Captain (not his real name, but he thinks every man should give himself his own name; Ted dubs himself Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville), who also happens to be married to Zoey. She's at this big fancy shindig, too, and Ted thinks it's pretty hypocritical. Then they wind up in the bug room together, where she fake-cries and manipulates him into talking bad about GNB. She was recording the whole thing, and would have used it, too, if she didn't later overhear Ted sticking up for her in a conversation with The Captain (who was willing to erase the tape for Ted, because he thinks his wife's just throwing a temper tantrum). The episode ends with Zoey and Ted dancing in the museum; she tells him she erased the tape because she'll beat him fair and square. They gaze into each other's eyes. Might she actually be the mother?
Barney and Robin spend the whole episode in a contest of who can be the biggest rule-breaker and touch the most objects at the museum -- based on a childhood remembrance Barney has of knocking down the blue whale, which Robin doesn't believe. They get caught by security, and the legendary tale of a six-year-old knocking down the blue whale is confirmed. The security guard looks it up, and it was Barney, whose "father" signed the papers to release him into his custody. Barney then realizes the man he thought was his Uncle Jerry was his dad -- and that was the last day he saw him. He asks Robin not to tell anyone else. And, in another part of the museum, Lily pines for a sandwich-eating, world-saving Marshall who no longer exists, but is stuck with the corporate one (who we learn will also go extinct one day).
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Saget!Ted tells us, his future kids, about one day when he was reading the newspaper in 2010. I find it hopeful that, in this future world, his children understand what a newspaper is without having to have it explained. Anyway, said newspaper contains an op-ed by Zoey, all about what a big mean jerk he is. I paused on it, and it's actually a pretty standard-looking newspaper story (though more boring), but I will type -- for your pleasure -- the one paragraph about Ted (the rest is about general architecture being destroyed by business, blah, blah, blah GNB cakes).
"The unwelcome new addition to midtown of a garish, glass and steel monolith is made all the worse by the unsightly billboard on the front of the egocentric architect of destruction, Ted Mosby. Mosby chose to dress in a wizard's costume for the banner, taunting the entire city, as if the destruction of lives and history is nothing more than a jovial costume party for him. This fat-cat architect has forgotten the whole point of his architectural training is to create, not destroy. But I'm sure it's easy to forget your purpose while you're getting drunk of [sic] champagne and power."
I will also note that Ted says the piece ran on a Saturday, but the folio at the top of the page I paused on says "Sunday, Nov. 6, 2010." Anyway, it's crossword puzzle day (so why not say Sunday? That would be more accurate in New York anyway) for "Dad," as he tells us kids, and this op-ed piece Zoey wrote ran on the same page as his puzzle, totally ruining his day. Ted tells Barney and Marshall how absurd it is that she singled him out and called him and his friends "fat cats." Well, technically, that's not what she wrote, but okay. Barney and Marshall, suited up in tuxes, agree, and get all British about it as they toast their Scotches "to industry!" Saget!Ted admits they weren't the skinniest of felines that night. But that's just because they were going to the Natural History Museum's Autumn Spectacular, attended by some of the most important and powerful people in New York, and now them -- thanks to Goliath National Bank.
They're all stuffed in a cab on their way to the museum, when Marshall marvels about what their college selves would do to them if they saw them like this. Ted: "They'd pelt us with their Phish bootlegs." Marshall agrees they were pretty anti-establishment and recalls a time they mocked their friend Russell (while eating sandwiches, of course) for wearing a suit. Then they found out he was headed to his mom's funeral. Robin wishes she'd known them back then, because you can't kick a story in the nuts. (On a related note, I wish I knew the writers of this scene, because I can't kick my TV in the nuts.) Lily tells Robin they're still those people and Marshall's going to quit his job someday and go to work for the NRDC and start saving the world. "Right, baby?" Marshall: "Absotively!" Then he reminds her he's not the same as in college, since he wears a suit to work every day. She thinks he wears it ironically -- "like Ted's fanny pack." Ted: "time we go to Great Adventure, you're carrying your own sunblock."
At the museum, Lily tells a tale of sneaking under the rope to get into her favorite room at the museum while said room was closed for cleaning. Barney thinks that's cool, but one-ups her by saying he knocked down the blue whale when he was a kid. They all laugh at how ridiculous that is, since the blue whale is totally giant (common in blue whales) and hanging from the ceiling (less common). Barney says his Uncle Jerry brought him and told him not to touch anything, which is like telling him now not to look at a nearby partygoer's "perky and impossibly asymmetrical knockers." So, naturally, he goes on, he snapped the rib off a triceratops and knocked down the whale. Barney says he got kicked out, and is surprised security didn't stop him on the way in. Robin's sure they don't remember 30 years back, when "that completely made-up story didn't happen." Barney protests, and adds that the people here don't forget, since this is not the Natural Things That Happened Five Minutes Ago Museum. (It would be like a museum version of Twitter!)
Barney and Marshall's boss Arthur joins them and introduces them to a friend of his from Exeter. It's Kyle MacLachlan in a captain's suit; his name is George Van Smoot, but Van Smoot tells them they "can and should call me 'The Captain.'" Barney nods approvingly as he repeats it, and Marshall says it in the form of a question. Possibly the best scripted moment of the episode. Arthur explains they met in a production of Guys and Dolls in college. The Captain played Nathan Detroit to Arthur's assistant stage manager. He tells The Captain that Barney and Marshall are the future of GNB. The Captain unironically bids them "Ahoy." Barney unironically replies in kind. So does Marshall, but it's ironic, and finished with a "The Captain." Arthur says The Captain practically paid for all of this shindig, and The Captain tells them to enjoy themselves and eat and drink, "but don't touch anything." He walks away as Barney replies, "Challenge accepted!" [If he takes that as a challenge, shouldn't he be trying his darnedest not to touch anything? - Zach]
When everyone leaves Marshall and Lily alone, Lily smirks to Marshall about the absurd possibility of him being the future of GNB. Marshall says he forgot to tell her that Arthur offered him a five-year contract. She tells him not to turn Arthur down here in public, based on her experience breaking up with Scooter at the prom. Marshall tells her he thinks he's going to accept. She's much more shocked than someone who needed him to get a job to pay off her debt has a right to be. In the corner, Robin and Barney stand by a mannequin wearing a costume that is supposed to be an ancient Egyptian outfit, judging by the looks of it. Barney reaches out and touches it, then groans, "Ah! That's the stuff!" And we're finally at the opening (and four minutes in). If it continues at this fast pace, we could be here awhile.
Robin's unimpressed by Barney's quick touch of the thing and rubs it a little. So he picks up a flap on the outfit and bangs it up and down. She gets serious and touches it without letting go. Barney does the same thing, and grabs her ass with his other hand. She's not into that at all. Out in a lobby of the museum, Marshall and Lily fight about him staying at GNB, when Ted rudely interrupts and tells them a fun fact: If you stand right there and whisper, people on the other side of the room can hear you, despite all the other crowds and noise. He says it's one of the most sophisticated pieces of acoustical design in the world. He whispers "diarrhea" and the people across the room hear. Lily and Marshall get back to their argument: She thinks he hates GNB, but he doesn't hate all of it. He says tonight is pretty fun and high-class. Ted, still to them, whispers "poo poo" then "pupu platter." Across the room, a woman turns to see who said that, and it's none other than Zoey. Ted says her name then, but she doesn't seem to hear that. Hmmm. That's convenient.
Ted walks around the giant statue in the middle of the room and approaches Zoey. He asks him what she's protesting here tonight, and she replies with a quip of her own: that he must be here to knock down this beautiful old building. She asks if she can finish her drink first. Then The Captain comes up, calls her "Darling" and kisses her. Zoey introduces Ted to her husband. Ted: "Yeah, old stuff's great." I'm not sure I've ever seen this much continuity in one episode of this show, and we're still only eight minutes in. [And they're nowhere near done! - Zach]
Barney and Robin are still touching the garment, and Barney can't reach his Scotch. Robin has hers, though, and tells him how great it is. Barney says this is ridiculous, and they shouldn't stand here and do this while they're in such an amazing place. She agrees, and they both let go. Then he asks if she wants to go touch a bunch of stuff. She does -- they are so perfect for each other -- so we get a montage of them touching a stuffed moose, a fossilized turtle, and a stuffed lion. That could have been better.
Ted asks The Captain how he got his name, and he says he gave it to himself. "A real man chooses his own name." That's new. Ted introduces himself as "Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville." Zoey says it's actually Ted, and The Captain says, "Capital." Then he tells his "honey" that he may cut out early to check up on the boat. Of course there's a boat. Ted wants to hear more, so The Captain tells him she's an 80-foot sloop; he asks Ted if the sea calls to him like it does to him. Ted says that the sea does, indeed, ask him to hang out. The Captain says he likes Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville, then says he should come on the boat some time. He leaves, and Ted sighs that he wishes he were that close with his dad. Zoey says if he wants to make this personal, she will go back to destroying him. He says if he wanted to make it personal, he'd call her "a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on Fifth Avenue are closed." She says he's going down, and he wonders if she means down to the Yacht Club, because he'd love to, but he's half-Jewish -- will that be a problem?
Marshall and Lily are talking on one side of the magical whispering room. She wonders about their dream to save the world, and he says that was a great dream, but now they have a mortgage and are trying to have kids. They're grown-ups now. She wonders what College Him would say if he could hear him right now, and Marshall says, "Honestly? Probably something pretentious." Marshall says they all change: She no longer spells "women" with a Y, and he's okay with that (I'm guessing he's pretty thrilled about that, honestly, because there is no excuse for poor spelling), and he needs her to be okay with him never becoming an environmental lawyer. She asks how long he's felt this way, and he admits it's been ever since his first day at GNB. Ted whispers from across the room at various inopportune moments of this conversation (so I guess he can't hear them back?): "wieners" then "wieners and gonads" then "boogers" then "Hershey squirts." Lily walks off, upset at Marshall (I think, though it could just as easily be at Ted).
Robin and Barney grab some hors d'oeuvres while she's holding a stuffed penguin. Then Ted finds Zoey again somewhere, and makes fun of the guy she's talking to, who's wearing a monocle. He asks if this is for real, so she drags him away. On his way out, he wishes Monocle good luck killing James Bond. She takes him to a room filled with bugs and spiders on the walls behind them. And even though they're likely fake, and are in my TV, I have an extremely hard time looking at the TV while this scene is on. Luckily, it's more talking than action, so I don't need to see much. He wants her to leave him the hell alone so he can have crossword day back and she can go back to her perfect life. She says her life isn't perfect and he's mean, so she cries. He scoffs: "Like that's going to get my sympathy." Saget!Ted: "It did."
Marshall's followed Lily into a less crowded, less whispery place, where she points out that every time she's asked him if he wanted to work for NRDC since he's worked at GNB, he's lied. He says that's not technically true. She's asked him questions, and he has responded with made-up words. Side flash to her asking him about it, and him saying "Affirmatootly" and then "Yepskerdoodles." He makes up a long word I can in no way write that starts out with "Positi..." when she asks if he likes her scarf. Ha. Back at the museum, he says, "Lawyered." She's annoyed, because that's also a made-up word. He asks what she wants from him, and she says she wants him to be the person she fell in love with. She walks away from him, both looking sad.
Robin, with a spear and a fur draped over her, walks around looking for Barney. He's back with the Egyptian garment, but now he's wearing it, headpiece and all. He walks like an Egyptian and brags: "Niled it!" That's when the security guard finds them, and is all, "Ahem. Excuse me." Barney hilariously points out what Robin's doing, as if he's done nothing wrong himself and the guy won't notice the Egyptian garb. Back in the bug room, Zoey continues to cry about how she got married at 22 to someone who calls himself "The Captain." Ted points out the positive: He seems like a good guy, and he wears those red pants. She hates boats, though, and even gets seasick. She says she wants to save the Arcadian, because she sees something big and solid when she looks at it. (That's what she said.) She says the rest of her life just feels like she's on a boat. As if that's ever a bad thing. She knows that's crazy, but Ted says it's not and admits the Arcadian should be a landmark. He hates that they have to tear it down, and hates working for GNB. "They're a bunch of wieners and gonads." Zoey says that was really easy, and plays the tape she's been recording in her purse back to him. She says it should be useful. Saget!Ted pictures a story about this on his crossword page. She tells him that his ass just got bugged in the bug room. She gets up to leave and tells him that he simply must come out on the boat sometime. Dude, she even lies about seasickness? Is nothing sacred?
Security guard's office. He scolds Robin and Barney for thinking they're so clever as they not-so-discreetly touch everything on this desk. He tells them about all the pranks this museum's seen, so they've got nothing. He ends, "One time a kid knocked down a blue whale." Robin stops him and asks if he said someone knocked down the blue whale. He says it wasn't just someone: it was a six-year-old. "That story is legen--" His phone rings and he asks them to hold on while he silences it. Then: "--dary." I don't have to tell you how much Barney's loving this. Barney asks if he happens to know what the young man's name was. The guard doesn't, but he could check the files.
Back out in the main room, The Captain's being applauded and says he sang three songs, so now Arthur should do his part from Guys and Dolls. Poor Arthur says "Take your seats, everyone. The show's about to start." Well, hey, it's better than most assistant stage managers get to do. He calls The Captain a "douche" and walks off. The Captain finds Ted moping on a bench and joins him. He says he heard his wife got him pretty good, and Ted says she caught him on tape trashing GNB. The Captain says it's not easy to be married to that recorder, either, since she can prove what he's promised her all the time. The Captain tells Ted: "You're a good guy, Galactic President Superstar McAwesomeville." He says that when Zoey goes to sleep, he'll find the tape and erase it. Ted asks if he'll really do that to his own wife, and The Captain says he's glad she has these little causes to keep her out of trouble, but when she throws a temper tantrum, it gets in the way of someone doing their job. Ted tells him not to worry about erasing the tape, because he doesn't think she's throwing temper tantrums; just standing up for what she believes in. Ted respects that. The Captain changes the subject to his boat, which is breath-taking. Saget!Ted reminds us of that secret whisper spot in that room of the museum as the camera pans back to show a sad-looking Zoey, who apparently heard the whole conversation.
Security guard's office. He's reading from the files: "July 23, 1981, incident report." Robin: "No." Barney: Big smile. The security guard continues, with lots of "No"ing from Robin and smiling from Barney as he details the story Barney told earlier. Then, finally, he gets to the name: Barney Stinson. Barney gloats and Robin's like, "No!" But the guard's not done: "Stinson was reprimanded and returned to the custody of his father, Jerome Whitaker." Barney corrects him that it was his uncle, but the security guy says he signed it and checked the box for "father." Barney scoffs that Jerry's his uncle, but the sappy music tells us he's really not.
It also transitions us to Lily walking around the museum. She sees an exhibit called "College Marshall" with stoner Marshall in it, eating a sandwich. She tells him she wants him back, because he's changed. He asks if he cheated on her or something, but of course he didn't. He asks if he stopped writing poems for her, and she says he did, but she's okay with that. He asks if he's not as good at sex, but she says he's way better now, lasting two or three times as long. She says it's just that the new Corporate Marshall wears suits and doesn't care about saving the world. She wants him back. College Marshall says she can't have him and points out that the sign says "Extinct." He says he's gone the way of Jane's Addiction, and she tells him they got back together. He gets super-excited. Then he tells her that Corporate Marshall might wear a tie and everything, but it sounds like he hasn't changed where it counts. Corporate Marshall comes up behind her then, and College Marshall watches as Corporate Marshall tells her he knows she was okay with him being poor and wanting to save the world, but can she be okay with him making a lot of money and spoiling her and the kids? She says they can make it work and kisses him. They walk away, and College Marshall sarcastically applauds Corporate Marshall's stamina.
Robin and Barney are sitting at a table now, drinking. She asks when was the last time he saw Jerome, and he says it was that day: July 23, 1981. After he got in trouble at the museum, his mom was mad that Jerome let Barney destroy a New York City landmark. Barney thinks he moved away. Robin says that maybe the security guy got it wrong, and they don't know. But Barney interrupts that that's the thing: He does know. "He's my dad." She asks if he wants to... But he says he doesn't want to do anything, and asks her not to tell anyone about this. Cut across the room to Ted, who's telling Monocle what a great look it is, but he wonders if it costs half as much as glasses. Zoey comes up and pulls Ted away, to the lobby area where everyone's dancing now. He grabs her to dance, but she asks him what he's doing. He thought she wanted to dance, so they do. She tells him she erased the tape, because she wants to beat him fair and square, but he shouldn't think it's over. He tells her she looks ugly when she cries, even though some girls look cute. She tells him to laugh it up now, because starting Monday, he's in her crosshairs. They gaze into each other's eyes as they continue to dance to the dinosaur statues. Could she really be the mother? I thought the mother wouldn't be a blonde because of the kids' dark hair. But maybe. Though it would also be odd if she had been previously married to someone named The Captain.
Tag: Arthur finds Marshall in his office at 3 a.m. and tells him he might as well not even go home at this point. Marshall sadly looks at the picture of Lily on his desk. Saget!Ted says Marshall stayed on at GNB, but it wouldn't last forever. The camera pulls out to show this Marshall is sitting in a "Corporate Marshall (Extinct)" exhibit at the museum. Saget!Ted: "But that's another story."
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, hates the little teasers this show drops that it might never come back to. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.