The whole gang spends the episode debating why it's okay for guys to like girls who act like little babies, but how the opposite is never true: A girl isn't attracted to a guy who talks like a little boy. Barney, of course, takes this a challenge and spends the episode talking like a five-year-old to women at MacLaren's. He gives up after asking a girl to change his diaper (ew!), but then Robin finds him at his place with a girl who wants to be his mommy. It's very creepy, but not a bad sociological point about the whole "Who's Your Daddy?" thing, if you want to consider it that deeply. (I beg you not to want that.) The whole episode follows this theme, as Ted dates Robin's immature and perky new co-anchor Becky (only to realize in the end, as he's tying her shoe and she's eating an ice cream cone, that he's essentially her "daddy" -- sending him running in the other direction). We learn Robin's the only girl without a "daddy," because she's her own daddy and mommy and weird survivalist uncle. I think there's something about feminism in there, but it may have gotten lost amid all the talk of daddies and, you know, Barney.
Marshall, who doesn't want to be any girl's daddy, follows his own father's advice to try to ensure his Eriksen is, in fact, a son: He eats pickled herring and then dips his man parts in ice. But, little does he know, Lily's eating a lemon and heating her lady parts to make a girl. In the end, they forgive and forget and try to decide on a name that doesn't make Lily think of a bratty kid in her classroom. (Hint: There is no such name.)
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Saget!Ted tells his kids that their friends, Stuart and Claudia, had a baby in fall 2010, and Lily and Marshall were the first to visit. They haven't named the baby yet, which leads to a giant argument in front of Lily and Marshall, in which they insult each other back and forth over the names. Lily and Marshall hope that won't be them, then look at the baby and each calls out her name: "Emily" and "Lisa." They're horrified at each other's choices -- as if Lisa and Emily are really that different. La-dee-da credits. Then they're at MacLaren's, still talking baby names. Marshall has a list of awesome ones. But Ted stops him before he chooses LeBron, Shaquille or any other basketball names; those just won't work on a chubby white kid. So Marshall suggests Rob, but Lily hates it because of a Rob who put paint on her at school. She doesn't like Brian because one stabbed her with a pencil. She doesn't like Johnny because one ate a goldfish, which is also why she doesn't like Gill. Jeremy splattered her with red paint.
Robin somehow showed up during this conversation, and tells them not to name their baby Becky, right? They're all confused, and she wonders if they even watch her show, with her new terribly perky co-anchor Becky. They haven't watched it, but Ted did, because Robin insisted he see how awful Becky is. Cut to the newscast, where Becky gets all cute and whiney about sad news stories, trying to talk about something happy. Back at MacLaren's, Robin asks what Ted thought, and he squeaks that she was charming. Robin would like to know why the little-girl act works on men. Barney, who's also somehow arrived at the table, wonders if Robin would like the long or short version. Everyone: "Short!" Barney: "Who's your daddy?" Lily says that phrase is really creepy, but Marshall thinks it's fun. He says it to her, and Robin asks if Lily is now his daughter, since they make such sweet love. Marshall's logic is that she is not his daughter, but he is her daddy. Ted agrees it's disgusting. Robin says the opposite would never work: A guy could never pick up a girl talking like a little boy. Barney: "Challenge accepted!" He dashes off.
Lily pulls out her list of baby names. Marshall hates Tara because of how obsessed he was with a girl by that name, the hottest girl in school. They even wrote songs about her. Flash horrifyingly to that. Marshall hates the name Esther because of a stripper he and Barney saw who did some disturbing things while naked. Marshall beckons Ted to the bar for a drink, where Ted points out Marshall's list is all boy names, and there is that possibility he could have a girl. Marshall can't even think about that, since he can't imagine being a girl's dad with the way guys treat them. Flash to his fantasy, in which dorks make up a song for his daughter; then one where she's stripping and he's trying to cover her with his coat. Marshall wonders what if she makes bad choices, and flashes to her dating a very old, plastic version of Barney, who asks her "Who's your daddy?" Marshall fantasy vomits. Back at MacLaren's, Marshall just wants a little boy! Ted tells the people around them that's not what it sounds like.
Marshall's Skyping or something with his mom and dad, seeking their sage counsel about his fears of having a girl. Marshall's dad sends his mom away and then explains to Marshall that having all boys wasn't a coincidence, since the Eriksen men have secrets to avoid having girls: Don't eat lemons (baby girl fertilizer). At work, Robin's reading reporting about a climate-change summit in Vienna, presumably on the air, when Becky scoots over and says she went on a tour of the city with a sweet man the day. She goes on that this "cutie patootie" took her to a bar called MacLaren's right underneath his apartment. Robin asks if it's Ted, and Becky laughs that it totally is. Robin reports that a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat "later today."
Cut to Ted in pain, explaining that Becky actually came over to the apartment looking for Robin. She had chocolate chip cookies (but with gummy bears instead of chocolate chips, of course; that's just how baby girls make 'em), then saw a spider and freaked out. Robin guesses that she acted helpless and Ted got to be the big, strong man. Which is pretty much exactly what happened. Barney stumbles up to the table and tells Robin and Ted that talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies. Flash to Barney talking to ladies in a baby voice about their "tig ol' bitties" and other immature body comments.
Marshall and Lily are about to get hot and heavy, when Marshall runs to the bathroom and remembers what his dad told him if he wants to avoid a baby girl: right before sex, he must eat pickled herring. He gobbles it down. Back at MacLaren's, Barney asks a girl to play with his imaginary friend, another one to play telephone, and one to change his wet pants. He tells Robin and Ted he can't pick up a girl while talking like a little boy. "Challenge forfeited." They really don't care, but he basically cries himself out the door. Ted tells Robin he's glad that's over, since he was creeped out by Barney talking like a little kid. Robin doesn't get why he likes it when Becky does. Ted says Becky makes him feel needed, which is nice and not a feeling guys get with Robin. Back in Marshall's bathroom, he continues following his dad's advice by grabbing a bowl of ice and dunking his "man sack" in there. He doesn't last long before screaming "Eriksen!" He remembers his dad's final advice to point Lily due north, then heads back in to ravish her.
Robin and Ted discuss how she didn't make him feel needed, because she took care of everything, including being the guy in bed and having a gun by the bed in case of a potential break-in. He admits it bothered him because it's nice to be needed. His BlackBerry beeps, and he says it's Becky, who's trapped in a revolving door. Robin's got the bill, so he takes off. Marshall gets back in bed, and Lily points out the cold and the smelly breath. Then he points her north and she puts it all together: "You're trying to make us have a boy!" He wonders how she knows, and she tries to play dumb before admitting (especially when he notices the lemons by the bed) that she's trying to make them have a girl. But it's only because all of her least favorite students have been boys. She says the internet told her to point south during sex, eat a lemon, and heat up her lady parts, which she did with a blow dryer just before Marshall ran back in. They debate whether boys or girls are better, using horror movies as their examples. When Lily brings up Chucky, Marshall gets scared.
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Robin goes to Barney's and asks if he felt like she needed him when they were dating. He nonchalantly says, "No. I didn't feel like you needed me at all." She's about to leave sad, when he tells her that's a compliment since most girls are so needy. He tells her no guy's going to say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin because she's her own daddy. And mommy. And "weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin in the woods blaming stuff on the government." He says that's what makes her the most amazing, strong, independent woman he's ever banged. She thanks him sincerely, then asks who the hell that crazy woman in the apron is behind him. The woman tells him he left his toys on the floor and needs to be spanked. Barney tells Robin that he managed to complete the challenge. Flash back to the night before, when he gobbled down ice cream after admitting defeat. This lady asked him for some and he acted like a sullen brat, all "It's mine!" She told him someone needs to teach him to share and then asked who his mommy is. Barney high-fives Robin and asks her to get this scary freak out of his place. She's totally got this.
Lily and Marshall are back at Stuart and Claudia's. They've decided on a name. They explain that she had a fever and the emergency room wouldn't admit her without a name. So they looked at each other and just knew: Esther. Marshall almost chokes, given the crazy things stripper Esther can do. Back in bed, Lily and Marshall realize they're idiots and that they have no control whatsoever over any of this. Marshall says he just wants a happy, healthy, 12-pound... But Lily cuts him off with a "Woah!" Marshall: "10 pound?" She shakes her head. "8 pound?" She says okay, but doesn't seem thrilled. He tells her he loves her and will love the crap out of their baby. She agrees. So they decide to choose a name for either a boy or a girl, and they say Jamie in unison. They're all excited about it. Then Lily shows up at MacLaren's with paint handprints on her ass and says, "Not Jamie!"
Tag: Ted ties Becky's shoe in the park as she licks an ice cream cone. He notices a dad doing the same for his ice cream-eating little girl to him. He stands up and says, "Yeah, this is over." The ice cream falls off her cone, and she looks all pouty.
Discuss this episode in our forums, read our HIMYM dictionary, then see why our vlogger thinks HIMYM is the new Friends, below.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, loves that this show is capable of connecting storylines about babies and creepy sex stuff without batting an eye. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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