Ted starts us out this week with a lecture he's giving in class that changed someone's life -- then he flashes back to weeks to Barney explaining his rules for getting the "yes" from a girl. And, folks, he always gets it. Soon enough, he wants Ted to come back to work at Goliath National Bank, on the building project that the company scrapped before Ted became a professor. Ted loves being a professor, though, so he's okay giving up that past dream. So Barney brings out all of his tactics for getting the yes: He ignores Ted, then he pays him a backhanded compliment, then he brags in the form of a complaint. Then he pretends they hired someone else, and gives Ted a gift. Finally, Ted quits and runs back to Barney, but he does get Barney to break a rule: Barney takes Ted to dinner before getting the yes. Marshall helps a little bit, as Barney's wingman, which is pretty much his only role in the episode.
Robin, meanwhile, is up late watching satellite, where she sees Don on the Chicago news. She pretends she was all cool and calm, but Lily asks where the poop is (she's basically accusing Robin of being a dog that pooped somewhere in the house). Robin admits she actually wasn't calm, and then she called Don and told him she's going to kill him and eat his face on a pizza. (I know, right? Ew.) Lily makes her delete the number, which she decidedly does not. And then she calls Don again, once again threatening death. After Lily smells the poop some more, and Marshall barely gets involved, Robin really does delete Don's number. Unfortunately, though, she has it memorized and calls him anyway. Until she eventually forgets it, getting the closure she so badly needed. I guess.
Saget!Ted tells his kids (and us) the "one simple goal" he had as a professor: Give a lecture that changes someone's life. Oh, just that? Not a big deal. He achieved that goal, he says, in 2010. Flash to the present, when Ted's giving an unfunny lecture about an "unfinished" masterpiece of a building. Professor Ted looks down at the toy airplane in his pocket, and classical music picks up. So Saget!Ted flashes us back a few more days, to MacLaren's, where Barney wants Ted to look at the three chicks at the bar: "one hot, one kinda hot, and one who I'm assuming is really funny." Ted's not interested, because he has a burger coming. Marshall wants to be the wingman, but Barney flashes back to last time he took him up on that offer: Barney introduced himself and then Marshall introduced himself -- as Barney's wingman. Anyway, Barney heads over to hit on the ladies.
This gives Robin an opportunity to fill the rest of the gang in on the random satellite channel that picked up Don's Chicago newscast last night. Flash to Robin watching "The 11 o'clock News With Don Frank." She tells the gang she was totally fine, and has moved on. Flash to calm Robin turning off the TV with a "Finished with that." The guys are so happy for Robin, but Lily's like, "Where's the poop, Robin?" (She had a dog as a kid who, whenever it made the face Robin's making, had pooped somewhere in the house.) Robin tries to pretend there is no poop, but finally admits she was not so okay with it, and instead screamed at the TV and drank like a sailor. Now, she says, she really is over him. The guys are happy for her, but Lily asks where the poop is again. She's right, of course, because we flash back to Robin, who tells Don's voicemail that she's going to fly to Chicago, kill him, put his face on a deep-dish pizza, and then eat it. And then maybe catch a Bears game.
Barney rejoins the gang, which Marshall thinks means he failed at picking up the women, but inspirational music plays as Barney says he'll get the yes: "Barney Stinson allllllllways gets the 'yes.' " To Lily's question about why he doesn't take a girl to dinner like a normal person, Barney says that dinner is too intimate, and requires a level of eye contact and intimacy that sex doesn't. Call him old-fashioned, but he has to have sex with a girl at least three times before considering going to dinner with her.
The day, in class, Barney pays a visit to Ted, who assumes Barney's here because he's dating his hot student, Rachel. Ted wants to hear every detail. Barney calls Ted a "pent-up old perv," which ... obviously. But then he says he's here with a present: Ted's old architectural rendering of the Goliath National Bank headquarters he had designed. Ted reminds us how losing that dream job broke his heart, but Barney tells him it's back on: "We're gonna build your building." Opening titles, followed by Neil Patrick Harris asking us to "suit up!" in a breast cancer tie.
When we're back, Marshall's so excited Ted's coming back to design Goliath. But Ted says he's not coming back, since the guys at GNB are evil. "No offense, Marshall." Marshall takes none, and agrees those guys are the Empire, but that every architect would still want the Death Star on his resume -- and it's going to get designed anyway -- even if the architect totally failed by giving it a design flaw that made it possible for a single bullet fired into a vent to explode the whole thing. Ted: "For all we know, it was the contractor's fault." America: "Dude, it's a good thing we all love Star Wars." Marshall says that won't happen to Ted Mosby, who will design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan, "with clearly marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level." Ted realizes no one understands this, but he likes his quiet, simple, happy life. He knows what his job has to be.
Cut to Barney's office, where he turns down the job and hopes Barney has no hard feelings. Barney: "Of course not." On Ted's way out of the office, he runs into hot student Rachel for no reason other than to remind us, lest we forget, that Barney's a playa. Saget!Ted says he thought that was the end of the story. But we all knew better since we're less than ten minutes in to the episode. That night at MacLaren's, Ted and Marshall are still debating Death Star architecture, but Barney won't speak to Ted. Barney gets a drink, and Marshall tells Ted that Barney said he'll get the yes from Ted, because "Barney Stinston allllllllways gets the 'yes.'" They realize Barney wants Ted to work at GNB so bad he's putting the moves on him (although Marshall's holding out a little hope that Barney's actually interested in Ted, because he really likes them together). Ted thinks this is crazy even for Barney. Marshall says they can figure it out easily, since they know Barney's moves so well. After he's done ignoring a girl, what does he do? Cut to Barney telling a girl he loves her glasses, which take the focus off that chin thing she has going. Marshall says it's the backhanded compliment to lower self-esteem -- "a proven winner." Barney comes back with his drink and tells Ted he likes his haircut, and admires Ted's commitment to it even though it's been co-opted by the lesbian community.
Lily shows up at Robin's place and tells her she could smell poop from the hallway. Robin barely tries to deny it, and instead recounts her cuckoo phone call to Don: "This just in! ... Is what I'm gonna say when I'm stabbing you." Lily's mad Robin didn't delete Don's number like bossy Lily ordered her to. Robin pretends she tried, but we know she really didn't, and then turns it around on Lily to get her to delete a number. Lily thinks it will be no problem at all, but then won't let Robin delete the number of her dojo for a karate class she took about 100 years ago (and in which we flash back to a kid pinning her to the ground on the first day), but she's, like, totally going to sign up for more lessons. Robin tells her how they keep these numbers in their phones to not let go of memories, and Lily gets it. So Lily deletes the number, and tells Robin it's her turn.
But then Marshall and Ted come in, recounting how difficult it is to be hit on by Barney. Lily really likes Ted and Barney together! But Marshall says it's because of the GNB tower job. Robin asks if Barney did that thing where he brags about himself in the form of a complaint. Cut to Barney complaining about how much women want him because of GNB, and how difficult it is to sit in the front row at games, and how comprehensive the benefits package is. "It sucks!" Ron asks about the intense eye contact thing and we cut to Barney's intense stares at Ted. And then Barney establishing intimacy through physical contact: He touches Ted's arm as Ted eats jalapeno poppers. Robin wonders if Ted told Barney he knows what he's doing, and it's not going to work. Ted didn't, of course, and Lily says that's because he's loving the attention. Ted says it's nice to be noticed, and Robin tells Ted he's going to spread his legs and design that building. Ted says he's not that kind of architect and leaves.
Lily tells Marshall that Robin didn't delete Don's number, and Marshall scoffs, so she threatens to remove one of his numbers. Marshall's not worried, yo. He keeps his phone tight. She wants to delete Edwin, but Marshall won't allow that since that's the booker for the club where his band plays: "You know? My all-lawyer funk band, you remember? The Funk, The Whole Funk, and Nothing But the Funk." Cut to a nearly empty bar (the only people there are our gang) listening to Marshall's "band." Robin says she's deleting it, because they played one gig four years ago. Marshall tries to protest they'll play another gig, but then realizes they won't, and deletes the number. Even though that makes him "just a corporate lawyer working sixty very unfunky hours a week." So now it's finally Robin's turn to delete the number. And this time, she does.
Ted shows up at Barney's office to tell him something. But Barney presents Ted with a gift: It's a little airplane, to represent a spirit of adventure. Barney asks if he likes it, and gives him bedroom eyes. Ted tells him to stop looking at him like he's the only person in the world who matters because he's not designing the GNB tower. Barney says he totally knows that, and they hired someone else. Ted's like, "Oh." Then cut to Marshall and Ted in the bar, where Ted says Barney's move is, like, the oldest move in the book: pretending to be interested in someone else. Marshall says it's not a move, though, and he actually started the paperwork for the new architect. Ted, being Ted, finally realizes he wanted the job, and whines about it. Marshall's like, "I thought you didn't want the job." Ted tries to convince himself he doesn't, but --
Cut to him in Barney's office, all "Okay, I'll do it." He even offers to design it for half of what they're paying the other architect. "And, you know I would do stuff they would never do. Lobby stuff." Barney's about to hire Ted, when World's Worst Wingman Marshall tells Ted the truth: There's no other architect, and he was just helping Barney. Ted says he can't do business with people who lied, but Barney says they only lied so he'd realize how much he wants this job. Ted says he doesn't, and he only thought he did because he fell for the creepy voodoo that countless women before him have fallen for. Barney: "236." Ted: "Wow. Respect." Marshall tells Ted he has to take this job, and can't let fear steal his funk. Then he has to take a moment to write that down, since there must be a song in there. Ted doesn't want all the stress of being an architect, and he loves being a professor. "All that stupid crap they tell you about how fulfilling teaching is? It's all true." He should give inspirational speeches. He says his final answer is no, and he leaves.
Robin walks in to MacLaren's, where Marshall and Lily are waiting. Lily, especially, is waiting to respond to Robin's casual, "Hi guys," with this show's latest really-wants-to-be-a-catchphrase-but-there's-no-way-to-use-it-ever: "Where's the poop, Robin?" Robin says Lily's like a bomb-sniffing dog, but with poop. She's a poop-sniffing dog. Marshall thinks that's actually just a dog. Which, I have two of them and that's completely true. Robin admits that she called Don again. Cut to Robin's call. She's trying to be awesome and cool, all: Sorry. I saw you on the news and it made me crazy. But "I just wanted to say, from the bottom of my heart, I am going to kill you." Nope. Kidding again. "And that Asian slut on your Facebook page. She's dead too." Wow. Who knew Robin was this crazy? Lily thought Robin deleted his number, but Robin has it memorized, because, you know what? Closure doesn't exist and Robin will never have it. She says that no matter how much she tries to forget it happened, it always will have happened. They'll always be a loose end. They'll always be ...
Professor Ted completes her sentence: "... Unfinished." And he keeps teaching over the scenes, making current Ted our narrator, which really demonstrates how much Bob Saget and Josh Radnor sound alike. It's almost eerie. Anyway, he talks all about things being unfinished and how we'll never know if we don't finish things as Robin stares at a picture of Don, Lily does karate with her fridge, and Marshall plays some funk music -- sad and alone.
Professor Ted narrates how hard it is to get things back once they're gone. He stops talking mid-sentence, and then leaves class. He runs across town, nearly getting hit by a bus (that's what killed the architect whose unfinished building he's lecturing about), and shows up at Barney's. Barney greets him and hot student Rachel. But no dwelling on that. He looks at Barney seductively, and Barney says he'll call Marshall to draw up the contract. But Ted says he's not that easy. Saget!Ted says he made Barney break his rule, and take him to dinner before he gave him the thing he allllllllways got. Ted toasts Barney: "Yes." Oh, they are so cute together. And Robin eventually got closure, too, as we learn with a flash forward of her seeing Don on the news, trying to call him, and not remembering the number. She hangs up: "Finished with that." And turns off her TV, which fades us to black.
For the tag scene, Lily goes back to karate, where her nemesis kid now appears to be high school-aged. They talk some shit, and then leap toward each other as the episode ends. Remember when these final scenes were can't-miss episode bonuses instead of boring, forgettable stuff like this?
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, allllllllways gets the "yes." You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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