Saget!Ted starts out by telling his kids what he's told them about 100 times so far: Blah blah blah love story blah. This time, though, he sets up the two big days in any love story: the day you meet and the day you get married. Then we jump to a wedding "a little ways down the road," where Ted's nervous and Marshall gives him a beer. Then we jump back to the present -- which is actually the future, if we're starting out where we ended last season (then again, do we even want to think about last season? I didn't think so) -- with Ted and a different beer at MacLaren's while preparing a lesson plan or somesuch. Barney joins him, quickly finds out he's eyeing a blonde at the bar, and tells him not to be nervous because, well, Barney has dibs. There's an entire episode's worth of bickering and bantering about this, but somehow it's funny and charming like the How I Met Your Mother days of old.
Midway through their bickering, Marshall and Lily come in -- though it's baby-making night, there's a fight and no baby-making so far because Marshall told his dad (and everyone in the world) about the baby-making. Robin also comes in, looking haggard over her recent breakup with Don. (There's some small moment in semi-flashback in which she tries to have sex with Ted, but she looks like such a wreck that even he's not tempted.) Marshall and Lily head to their own table against the wall to argue, while Ted, Barney and Robin debate whether the hot girl is Ted's, Barney's, or waiting for a date. Then her friend shows up, and it's none other than Cindy, Your Mother's roommate. So, of course, this must be the roomie, right? Well, Cindy finally talks to Ted and thanks him for the drama before, because it helped her realize who she was and says it wouldn't even be weird for her to set him up with someone. She asks him to say "bye" before he leaves, and he, Robin and Barney agree he's "so in." Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Robin cleans up her Pig-Pen look and impresses Barney back into basically loving her, it seems. In the end, when Ted moves toward saying goodbye to Cindy and meeting the mother, Cindy kisses her instead, and we learn she's not the mother, but Cindy's future wife. Shocker! Ted helped a girl discover she's a lesbian. Lily and Marshall also make up and go upstairs for some baby-making.
We jump back to the wedding in the future, as Saget!Ted tells us he met the mother at a wedding. Marshall asks him if he's nervous about his toast, and then Lily comes out in a bridesmaid dress and says the best man is needed. Marshall and Ted get up and head inside, as it starts to rain. They talk about an umbrella (let me guess: the yellow one's inside?), and head in to meet the mother and help marry off someone -- presumably Robin and Barney? But why would Cindy's former roommate be at their wedding and Ted hadn't met her before? Someone's date? Or did Cindy bring her to introduce her to Ted? Or are we supposed to forget the mother is her roommate and start over from scratch? At this point, I don't really care. I'm just glad the show's funny again.
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So, first of all, hi, I'm here. Cindy McLennan left us, and went to a better place (that place being one in which she can enjoy this show when it's good and not care when it's bad because she's not stuck with it; oh, and also, that place is Vampire Diaries, duh). Saget!Ted tells his kids (his daughter's now on Nikita, if you didn't notice) there are two big days in any love story: the day you meet the girl of your dreams and the day you marry her (you know, unless you don't dream about girls). Flash "a little ways down the road..." to a wedding, with a marquee out front that says, "To every thing there is a season." Because funeral sayings are always nice greetings at weddings. [They are when they're a sly comment form the showrunners that this season is the one we've been waiting for. - Zach] Anyway, so the assumption here is that we're at Ted's wedding, which is odd since we haven't even seen that first day yet, of his meeting. Ted's sitting in a tux when Marshall joins him and gives him a beer. Ted thanks Marshall for fixing church, and then Marshall asks Ted if he's nervous, since he's peeling his beer label.
A quick side swipe takes us to the present, where Ted's grading papers at MacLaren's and peeling his beer label. Barney joins him with a sad, sad story about New York: He just saw a girl in a sweater! That means the season of exposed skin is over. No more tank tops, cute skirts or sun dresses. Ted tells him he needs to work, but first Barney riddles him about sun dresses -- clearly Barney's favorite women's clothing. Barney notices Ted's getting peely with his beer label and asks what he's nervous about. Ted finally admits there's a hot girl at the bar, saying "DON'T look," but Barney does with a quick, obvious, evil Gollum turn toward her. Then he turns back and tells Ted there's nothing to be nervous about with this one. Why? "Dibs." Oh, that Barney is a rascal. Ted doesn't think it's fair for Barney to call dibs on a girl he's been thinking about all night, because his dibs were implied. Barney scoffs about "Implied dibs?" and starts to make up a story about dib inventor Sir Walter Dibs. But Ted has no time for a fake history lesson, so he'll see Barney in court. But Barney calls dibs on Marshall as his lawyer.
You might wonder where Marshall and Lily are, and if you are Saget!Ted's kids you will be told creepy stories about your aunt and uncle wanting to make a baby. They have the candles and the music to set the mood (soft sounds) and the music for actual baby-making time (banjo music). Lily's readying it all at home and Marshall's getting ready to leave work.
Back at the dibs battle, Barney tells Ted that if he ignores the dibs, Barney will give a speech at his wedding to this girl in which he outs Ted as a dibs ignorer. This leads to a fantasy sequence in which the bride slaps Ted for humiliating her with his implied dibs, apologizes to Barney for not knowing and they decide to do it right there, at her and Ted's reception. Ted tells Barney to have at it, since the hottie has her shields up anyway, reading a book. Barney's like, "At a bar! The book might as well be called, Are You There, Barney? It's me, Horny." He says "shields up" actually looks like... oh, let's just have Robin walk in looking haggard. And so she does. And because her messy hair, dirty and baggy clothes, and makeup to make her look sick aren't enough, she's also carrying bags of junk food. Just so we know she's really in a bad place, hurting from the breakup with Don, that guy we never cared about because the show didn't want us to.
Flash to a few months earlier, just post-breakup. Ted tells Robin he's there for her, and she tells him that when she tries to have sex with him, he has to try to say no. He's all, I'll do more than try; our friendship is too important. She rants about how awesome she is and how he won't be able to resist. Then he walks in two weeks later, and she's gross and shoving food in her face when she tells him she's ready to have sex now. Back in the present, Ted finds a week-old Cheeto in Robin's hair, which she calls dibs on and then eats. Barney tells her she's exquisite, which he means sarcastically, but which I actually believe to be true more here than almost any other time. Because she's just reveling in this. Anyway, Ted asks her if the girl at the bar has her shields up. Robin says she is; she's here on a date and is reading while she waits to impress the guy she's meeting. Robin bites into a burger and gives Barney a "de-rection."
Marshall and Lily show up, but she's not pregnant yet, because when Marshall got home all ready to sex her up (let's keep reminding ourselves Saget!Ted's telling his kids this story), she was unhappy to show him that his father had sent a bassinet that he made himself. (The setup is genius, though, since Lily tells Marshall that "A big package just arrived," and he's like, "Yeah, it did.") Most women would appreciate this handmade gesture, but not in this case, because it means that -- gasp! -- Marshall told his dad they're working on the baby-making. Back at the bar, Marshall says of course he told his dad; he's his best friend. Ted and Barney, in jealous unison: "Woah!" Marshall tells Lily he's been "saving all his love for" her for two weeks as they've planned for this night. Lily says she's read eleven books on conception, cut out caffeine and sugar, and takes her temperature every hour. "But good for you for not playing with yourself." She leaves the table in a huff, and Marshall has to tell Ted not to touch him since that might actually bring the love at this point. Um, ew. Then he looks at Robin and says he's better now.
Ted clearly didn't believe Robin that the hot girl is on a date, because he asks Barney how much buying the dibs will cost. Barney suggests $250,000, but Ted gives him twenty bucks. Just as Ted is heading over to talk to her, Cindy walks in (it's almost like she's our recapper, stalking me in my first episode as your official recapper) and gives the girl a hug. Ted shrinks back to the booth because of how it all ended badly with Cindy. Robin suggests Ted better move on, but he's remembering the roommate whose ankles he fell in love with. He wonders if this is her, but she's wearing hideous boots so he can't recognize the ankles.
Over at a table along the wall, Marshall's reminding Lily of their plan with the candles and banjos, but she's hung up on who he told. She asks if he told anyone at work, which flashes us sideways to his entire office cheering and playing him out with music, and even a sign telling him to get her pregnant. He says he might have mentioned it, but he had to tell his dad. She's not okay with that, since he's too involved anyway and calls constantly. Flash to myriad phone calls between Mr. Eriksen and Lily: changing her last name for her since she didn't do it, giving advice on dealing with a fight, telling her to put pickles on her sandwich. Lily can't procreate under these conditions, and insists Marshall call and tell his dad they're not having a baby. She's wearing her cute, tight, boob shirt, so he can't even think straight, what with the no sex or masturbation for two weeks.
Ted's hot girl is talking to a guy now, whom Robin thinks is cheesy, which makes her want something cheesy. Barney tells Robin she's jealous that the hot girl has it and Robin's lost it. Robin disagrees, insisting she could find it. Barney compares her to a carton of milk that's expired, so Robin leaves angrily. But she takes her junk food, of course. Back with Marshall and Lily, she says they can't tell her dad about the baby until there's a baby. Marshall wonders how his dad is going to give his boss notice for three months off work. She's like, "Uh, what?" He informs her that his mom and dad are coming to stay with them for three months when the baby's born. "We talked about this." She says they did NOT, and he says, "Me and my dad talked about this." She tells him to have a baby with his dad, to which he replies, "Why don't you have a baby with your butt?" Lily: "What?" Marshall: "I can't think straight. Why do you have to wear that shirt?! This is not how I thought this night was going to go!" As he storms out and everyone turns, Cindy spots Ted trying to hide in his booth.
She comes over and asks to talk to him in private. He goes against his will as Lily rejoins Barney. She asks if she's right that Marshall talks to his dad too much, but Barney says if he could talk to his dad, he would never not be on the phone with him. Touched by the sentiment, Lily's like, "Wow, that was really..." But Barney spots a girl and goes, "Woah! A hottie with a body! Boing!" Lily finishes: "...brief." Barney points to the hottie, who is Robin. He says she's a saucy little minx, who sun dressed up. Robin gets hit on, then acts like an arrogant idiot. She tells the guy to scram, then sits with Barney, who tells her she's super-hot. It's sweet, then she pulls junk food out of her cute new purse. Cindy tells Ted she's sorry she was such a jerk, since he wasn't what she wanted, either. She wants to make it up to him, so he suggests setting him up with a friend. She says that wouldn't be odd, and tells him to say goodbye before he leaves. Back at the table, Barney and Ted stupidly high six over this. But at least they realize it's stupid.
Marshall and Lily are fighting in the street when his dad calls. He answers it, and his dad asks how the sex went and if it feels like a boy. He's excited and sort of sweet, but Marshall hangs up and tells Lily his dad's insane. He says he's so enthusiastic, it's ridiculous, and who's like that. She says Marshall is, and it's why women fall in love with the Eriksen men, but it's a lot of pressure right now. She says she could let him down if she couldn't have a baby. Hasn't that thought occurred to Marshall? He gets a little cheesy and it's hard for me to recap, since he tells her that's impossible, though I do love when he says "That would be like aliens landing. That is a bad example because that could happen; it probably already has; I saw this..." But she interrupts him with a kiss. As Ted gets up to talk to Cindy and her friend, Lily leads Marshall into their building.
Saget!Ted says that nothing compares to the exhilaration of making your move, putting it all on the line and going for it. Ted walks toward Cindy and friend as Saget!Ted says, "By golly, Cindy went for it." Cindy and her hottie friend kiss. Robin looks shocked, Barney snaps a photo with his phone. Saget!Ted says that girl isn't our mother; in fact, she and Cindy became mothers of their own little girl. Future family photo. Robin's all, "Like I said, she's here on a date." Saget!Ted says that wasn't the day he met our mother. The day he met her was on the day of a wedding. A vague and mysterious wedding, but still a wedding.
Back to the bench, where Ted admits to Marshall he's a little nervous because he wants his toast to be great, and for this whole day to be great. Marshall says it will be. Lily comes out and says the best man is being summoned. Ted wonders what now, and Marshall tells him to relax; everything will be fine. It starts pouring as they get up to head inside, and Ted's all, "You were saying?" Marshall asks if he brought an umbrella, but Ted didn't. Because, DO YOU GET IT? SHE HAS THE YELLOW UMBRELLA! Sorry for the all-caps, but if they're going to keep banging us over the head with it, I'm going to just pass that along to all of you. So, you know, have fun with that.
Final scene is Marshall sitting on his steps, talking about how everyone told them it might take awhile, but they thought they might be the exception to the rule. But they're getting back on the horse and feeling good about the future. Oh, and obviously, "You won't tell Lily I told you about this, right?" Camera turns to who he's talking to: a sidewalk full of people. But at least they all agree not to tell Lily.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, believes in implied dibs. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.