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After Robin gets into a bar fight, her attorney tells her to become a U.S. citizen, or risk deportation. Barney helps her bone up (and yes, he makes that joke and many like it) for her citizenship test, and then he teaches her how to be a real American. This involves about as many Canadian jokes and Ugly Americanisms as you'd expect. By the time they've finished cramming (yes, he goes there, too), Robin is as boorish as the rest of us. But when she passes the Hoser Hut (a local Canadian-style pub), she can't resist going in for a beer. Soon she's singing along drunkenly to the Canadian National Anthem, and taking off for Toronto with a women's Curling team, in order to catch a Bryan Adams/Rich Little show. Barney tracks her down in her trashed hotel room, but when they stop at Tim Horton's for coffee, the cashier treats Robin like an American. She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere, so Barney stands on a chair and tells "Canada" (the customers at that particular Tim's) how and why they're so ass-backwards as to let a great woman like Robin Scherbatsky slip south of the border. So? The locals beat the stuffing out of him. When he and Robin return to NYC, Barney bitches about the wonderful healthcare he got in Canada -- because it was free. Soon, Robin has an epiphany -- she'll apply for dual citizenship, instead.
Meanwhile, Marshall and Ted learn the Chicago pizzeria they used to travel to during their college years is closing for good, so they plan one last old-school bros' road trip to the place. They load up on beef jerky and extra-caffeinated soda (Tantrum), but Marshall packs something he never used to bring on these trips -- Lily, who has to pee every five minutes. And instead of driving straight through, they stop at a couples-oriented Bed & Breakfast. Ted is disappointed in the trip, so while Lily sleeps, he tricks Marshall into thinking they're going out to buy beer. Once Marshall (who didn't bother to change out of his shorty robe) is in the car, Ted kidnaps him -- driving straight on through to Chicago. The pizza is as wonderfully bad as they remember it, but Marshall can't enjoy himself. The guys fight and drive back to get Lily, in relative silence, until Kenny Rogers teaches them the value of friendship. Not a typo.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Over a shot of Ted, Marshall, Lily and Barney bundling up to go ice skating, Saget!Ted reminds his (unseen in this episode) children that Aunt Robin grew up in Canada so sometimes, she did things a little differently. For example, she dressed a little differently. Robin, wearing a short sleeved shirt and miniskirt, comes out carrying her skates and yelling, "Let's DO this!" She takes off without even a jacket. Cut to MacLaren's, where Robin meets up with the gang. Saget!Ted says she sometimes talked a little differently. Robin holds up a bill in front of Ted. "Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps. What? You leave the garburator on all night, eh?" If I'm recapping a show, I watch with the closed-captioning on, so I don't miss anything. My husband, who, unlike me, doesn't speak Canadian, had to shut it off so he could read the Canadian to English subtitles. "This electric bill is larger than a Quebec strong man's arms. Did you leave the disposal on all night, moron?" Over an exterior shot of the Hoser Hut, Saget!Ted says, "She hung out at different bars." Inside, there's a rip-roaring bar brawl, and Robin (wearing her Canucks jersey) is right in the middle of it, throwing a chair at someone. Saget!Ted notes, "And she enjoyed leisure time a little differently." Robin screams at her unseen victim: "Oh, you wanna go? You wanna go?!" Smash.
MacLaren's: Robin is sitting with Marshall and Barney, telling them to make fun of "The Great White North" all they want. She still says Canada is still the best country in the world. Barney proposes a social experiment. He stands up and chants, "U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A." The crowd joins right in. Robin says people will chant anything and rises to make her case. "Can-a-DUH. Can-a-DUH. Can-a-DUH!" Crickets. She allows that maybe they won't chant anything. Barney holds up his index finger as he grins. "Shrimp fried rice. Shrimp fried rice. Shrimp fried rice!" The bar joins right in, again. Ted, just entering, chants along, all the way from the door to the booth. Now I want shrimp fried rice, but not in Canada. I've never once had good Chinese food there.
Ted has crushing news for Marshall. Gazzola's, "a filthy Mecca of spectacular -- if undercooked -- pizzas" is closing. It's in Chicago. And when they were at Wesleyan (the one in CT, mind you), they'd occasionally take crazy, 22-hour, map-less road trips to this joint. Ted says, "We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. We were like Louis and Clark, if Louis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe." Soda bottles in the Fiero? Surely not. Perhaps Marshall made an exception to the no drinks, no food, not even groceries rule for long trips, though. Or, the writers forgot (more likely) that episode's details. Boo. The guys wax nostalgic about their Gazzola's trips. They ate nothing but jerky and drank nothing but Tantrum. Marshall says that's when they really became bros. From the future, Saget!Ted tells his kids that Tantrum was a super-caffeinated soda. As Saget!Ted narrates that eventually, the FDA took it off the market, we see a lab rat explode through the glass side of its cage. Marshall says they went through a whole case of the stuff on one trip. Ted was color-blind for two weeks after, and Marshall pegs his Tantrum over-consumption as the reason he still passes out at the sound of church bells. As Ted starts to detail how brutal those long road-trips were, Marshall smiles. "What time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow?" Ted was thinking 9:00 or 9:30 AM. Hee.
The Apartment: As he's preparing to leave, Ted is so hopped up on Tantrum that he rips up a throw pillow on purpose, then shouts, "TANTRUM!" He then tells Barney how thrilled he is to have some alone time with Marshall, because Marshall and Lily have started morphing into a "we." Any question he asks Marshall (how are you doing; did you watch the game) gets a we answer -- even when Marshall's just back from the doctor. "We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem." We didn't need to know that there was one. Just then, Robin comes out. She's been talking to her lawyer all morning. The guy who she hit with the chair at Hoser Hut is filing assault charges (she broke his nose). She may end up getting deported. Ted, still wired, says, "Oh my God, that sucks! I'm gonna go do push-ups in the kitchen." He yells, "TANTRUM," while leaving the living room.
Once he's gone, Robin tells Barney that her lawyer suggests she become an American citizen to avoid deportation. Robin's torn, but Barney thinks this is a splendid idea. "Robin, if you want to live here, work here, and throw chairs at people here, you have to do this." Apparently there's a naturalization test that she can take, tomorrow. She says she'll think about taking it, but Barney insists. He'll even help her study. "We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you... and then we're going to study." Robin smiles. "No, seriously, we're going to do some cramming... and then we're going to study." She laughs. "No. I'm serious. We're going to bone up..." She pats his knee and stops him. He apologizes. "It's a rich area." Then he warns her that the test won't be easy, and insults the Canadian test, in doing so. First question: Do you want to be Canadian? Second question: Really? She hits him, but before the chairs start flying, Marshall arrives.
Marshall is wearing one of those drinking hats on his head. You know the ones. They hold a can on either side and have a tube you can drink from. One side is loaded up with Tantrum. The other has a black coffee. He hollers for Ted, brags about his beverages, and then demands a phone book. Ted hands him a huge book, like the Yellow Pages. Marshall tears it in half, throws the pieces to the ground and screams, "TANTRUM!" Ted follows suit. I would so not want to be in a car with these two, right now. But Lily feels differently. She enters the apartment, snuggles up to Marshall and says, "All right, let's hit the road!" Ted looks at Marshall. "You invited Lily?" Marshall says, "We most certainly did." As Ted leaves the apartment behind them, Barney runs up to him to make sure he caught Marshall's use of "we" there. Commercial!
They get in the car, and Lily asks if they want to talk about "bitches." They guys look at her, and she says she's just kidding. "They're called women." Then she has to pee. They haven't even pulled away from the curb yet. She jokes to Ted that she pees a lot, as he'll soon learn, then takes a swig from a gallon bottle of water before leaving the car. When Ted gives Marshall a disappointed look, Marshall tells him not to worry. On the road, it will be just like old times. We flash back to 1999. Ted and Marshall are road-tripping in the Fiero. As they eat beef jerky, they sing along with The Proclaimers "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" plays, because as we learned in "Arrivederci, Fiero" that tape is stuck in the deck. Back in 2009, Lily offers them some sugar snap peas, which remind her that she has to pee. In 1999, Marshall drives even though Ted is covering his eyes and giving him directions, and they're driving past a State Trooper. I suspect they had some, er... cantaloupe right beforehand. In 2009, Ted dozes in the passenger seat, at least until Lily wakes him by punching his arm and shouting, "Ooh, Punch Buggy -- yellow!" As Ted nurses his sore shoulder, Lily adds, "Yellow. That reminds me, I have to pee." In 1999, Ted drives for a while, and it seems he's naked, as he stops at a toll both. Marshall chugs tantrum right from the two-liter bottle. They giggle as they drive off. In 2009, Lily gets back in the car and suggests they listen to something. Ted says he has some Jerky Boys, but Lily has an audio book about a boy and his dog, Goodbye Sparky, narrated by Kenny Rogers. Marshall is delighted. Ted sneers. Kenny Rogers tells the story of Sparky, a semi-toothless mutt who would pee on the boy's mother's rhododendrons (which reminds Lily she has to pee).
The Apartment: Barney quizzes Robin on the flag, the Bill of rights and other points of American Civics. She's got it all down cold, so Barney decides to get the Canadian out of her, and make her a real American. He shows her a picture. When she (correctly) identifies the subject as Queen Elizabeth II, Barney tells her she's wrong. "It's Elton John." When she correctly identifies a sports photo as a shot of Curling, Barney says the correct answer is, "I don't care. It's dumb. Let's go buy something that's bad for us, and then sue the people who made it. That's American, Robin."
Road Trip: Kenny Rogers narrates that Sparky loved chasing a ball and it didn't much matter what kind: baseball, Wiffle ball, golf ball, basketball, beach ball, gumball. He keeps going. "A grapefruit, which isn't actually a ball, but it is round like a ball. A football, which isn't actually round, but it's still technically a ball. An India Rubber ball..." As Ted's eyes roll straight out of the car and all the way back to Manhattan, a woman's voice cuts in telling them it's time to switch CDs. Yep, time for disc #8. Disc 8? Oh man, Ted's way more patient that he needs to be, here. The disc starts up and Rogers continues: "Lacrosse balls, volley balls..." Okay, now Ted and I are on the same page, that is to say he freaks out a little. "Oh my God, Lily." He lowers his voice. "Please tell me you have to go pee." She thinks about it. "Yep! I do." Saget!Ted says, "It was the worst trip ever, but then it got worse." Marshall tells Lily they're almost at the hotel. She can pee there. Ted, who was counting on reliving their college days, with the hellish, non-stop 22 hour road trip, just looks at Marshall. "Hotel?"
Crumpet Manor: Marshall didn't just book a hotel; he booked rooms at a Bed & Breakfast that caters to couples. All that the hostess can offer singleton Ted in way of recreation is sitting on a bench. Between getting left out of "couples night" last time, and now this insensitive booking, I can't help but feel like we're seeing Ted set up for really feeling excluded at some point. Who knows? Maybe he'll meet the mother while he's on a break from his friends.
Apartment: Robin's thinking over an answer to a question we don't hear. "I want to say... Jefferson." Barney says, "Correct! Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson." But to prove she's as "American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to," she's got one last photo to identify. Robin's pretty cocky when she takes the picture from him. "That, Barney, is the America actor beloved by millions -- the "Hey Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films, and his name is... Jeff Foxworthy." Barney laughs. He can't believe she doesn't know it's Jim Varney. Robin points at him. "Uh, that's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. End of story. Now shut your stupid face!" Barney says, "Not only are you wrong, but you are belligerently sticking to your guns, and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky..." He clicks his heels together and salutes her. "You are an American." Not only that, Barney. She's a New Yorker! They hug in celebration.
Crumpet Manor: Ted's back from the wishing well, which must be defective because he's still stuck there. He tells Marshall they should be on the road. Marshall says they're not in college any more. Lily asks the hostess about spa treatments. The hostess says they're all for couples. So... what? Ted can't even get a massage? Are you kidding me? She turns to Marshall and Lily and asks if they're interested in a cornmeal body scrub. Saget!Ted says, "And then finally it happened. Marshall and Lily globbed into one, big married glob." On screen, we see their images morph into a one distorted globby body with two (also distorted) heads. "We'd love a cornmeal body scrub." Ted looks sort of woozy. "Oh. I've got to dial back on the Tantrum."
Manhattan; Nighttime: Robin walks the city streets alone, with a bit of a swagger. Her inner monologue has a Southern accent, and she celebrates the idea of becoming an American. Then she imagines herself holding up a liquor store. When a cab drives by, she shouts, "Learn English!' Then suddenly -- it's before her -- the Hoser Hut. She argues with herself about whether that life is behind her, or whether or not she can go in for just one beer. Beer wins. Beer always wins. As she crosses the street, Robin thinks, "What's the harm in that? It's a free country." We jump to some time later, in the bar. A tearful Robin drunkenly croons "O! Canada" with her fellow expatriates.
Crumpet Manor: Lily is sleeping and Marshall is reading in bed, wearing a cute shorty robe, when there's a knock at the door. It's Ted. He apologizes for being crabby earlier and asks him if wants to go with him to the store to get some beer. In the car, Marshall asks why they're pulling on the highway. Ted doesn't answer, so Marshall asks, "Where exactly are we going to get this beer?" Ted says, "Chicago." That's my kind of town.
After the break, the guys bicker. Marshall can't just leave Lily like that. "How am I supposed to have fun?" Four minutes later, he and Ted are singing along with The Proclaimers at the top of their lungs. Ted asks if Marshall really thinks Lily will be pissed. Marshall growls playfully. "If she's pissed -- she's pissed!" Heh. We cut to...
A Ransacked Hotel Room: Oh man, Lily must be pissed. Wait, no. Saget!Ted is telling us that this is Robin's room. Barney has finally tracked her down. The room is in shambles. Robin is sleeping on the floor, cuddling with a Curling stone. She's surprised to see him and asks what happened last night. Barney stammers. "You... went Canadian." Robin wants to know how Canadian. Barney approaches the hotel window and says, "This Canadian," while ripping back the curtains to reveal...a brick building. When he realizes what they're looking at, he adds, "Oh that was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto sky... You're in Toronto." It's all coming back to Robin. She met up with a women's Curling Team. "We started drinking, and the thing I know, they're inviting me to a Brian Adams-Rich Little double bill, in Toronto." Is Rich Little still alive? She asks Barney how he found her. He says, "You called me -- said you were never coming back, so I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic..." Robin interrupts. "Canada isn't across the Atlantic." Barney tells her she's talking nonsense. He tells her to forget her slip-up. There are still a few hours 'til the naturalization test, but Robin says she's not taking it. Barney sighs. "God, you're still drunk." Robin appreciates his help, but says she's Canadian and always will be. Barney tells her they'll get her some coffee and sober her up and get her back to New York in time. "But, before any of that, we're gonna do it -- on this bed, 'cause? Hotel room!" Robin rolls her eyes and turns away. Barney says, "Okay, let's get some coffee!"
Chicago; Gazzola's: The pizza is rubbery, cold and kind of gross, and making them wonder if it was worth the 22 hour drive. Ted smiles. "Just like old times." Marshall says, "I feel so young again, except for the chest pains." They both agree the crust is fantastic, though and want to know the secret. The man behind the counter tells them it's a cornmeal crust. Marshall flashes back to Lily saying, "We'd love a cornmeal body scrub." Ted tells the counter man he can't believe the shop is going to close. The employee says, "I can't believe we're still open." He then kills a bug and wipes it on his filthy uniform. "These are getting bigger."
Toronto; Tim Horton's: Robin orders two coffees and the cashier asks her what she thought of the game last night. Robin doesn't even know what game she's talking about. It was the Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Edmonton Oilers. When Robin says she missed it, the cashier apologizes. "Oh, sore-y, you're American." Robin says that she isn't American. The cashier says, "American money; didn't watch the Leafs' game; no please or thank you for the coffee? You sure don't seem like a Canadian." While Barney makes fun of the color of the Canadian five dollar bill and the kids playing hockey featured on back of it, Robin is devastated as she decides that although she's not American, she's no longer Canadian, either.
Chicago; Gazzola's: Marshall stares down at his pizza, then up at Ted. "I don't want this any more." Ted says, "Don't look at it. That's a rookie mistake." But the pizza isn't bothering Marshall, leaving Lily is. Ted tells him to call her, but Marshall has left her about 20 messages, including one saying it was all Ted's fault. She's not picking up. Ted wants to know how this is his fault. Marshall reminds Ted that he kidnapped him, and didn't even let him put on underwear. As counter man comes over to their table with more water, Ted says, "We never used to put on underwear." The counter man does a double take and scoots off. Ted says the fun of a Bros' trip to Gazzola's was that they'd just drop everything and go. He thinks Marshall isn't upset because he thinks Lily's mad. He says Marshall would just rather be at the Bed & Breakfast with her, eating muffins. Me, too. "Instead of with me, eating this delicious..." he gestures down at his pizza then stops. "I think one of my mushrooms just crawled away." I rest my case. Marshall's out of there. He demands the car keys. Ted throws them so that they land on the floor. Marshall, still wearing his shorty robe, bends over to get them, giving the counter man a view he never wanted.
Toronto; Tim Horton's: Barney continues to laugh at Canadian money until Robin gets serious. She doesn't belong in the States. She doesn't belong in Canada. It's like she doesn't have a country. Barney's had it. He stands up on his chair. "Attention Canada. I am Barney -- from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number 1: get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a zjhoke. Number 2: and this is the biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away, because guess what? You don't want her? I'm planting my flag in her -- if you know what I mean (which you probably don't) and am getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless." He sits back down and praises the coffee. As he drinks it, three burly guys come up behind him. When Barney notices them, he grabs onto his tie and turns to face them. "Oh hey, fellas. It's called a... tie." The men give the high sign to a little kid wearing a hockey uniform. He slides his hockey stick through the door handles, to keep anyone from getting in or out. He looks right at Barney as he punches his fist into his palm.
Car: Marshall and Ted do not speak a word as they drive back to retrieve Lily. That's okay though; they have Kenny Rogers on the CD. Kenny continues the story of Sparky, who got jealous when the main character married "Helen." When Kenny says that Sparky felt like Helen had taken his place, Ted looks pointedly at Marshall. When Kenny says that Sparky didn't realize that although he loved Helen, he still loved Sparky, too, Marshall looks back at Ted. Kenny says, "Maybe I should have put some special ball-tossing time aside for the two of us." Ted nods. Kenny says he wishes he had. "'Cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac and got splattered like a watermelon in one of them Gallagher shows." Ted and Marshall spew apologies at each other, and finally decide they're still best bros. Ted asks Marshall if he wants to crank some Van Halen -- like old times (ignore that stuck Proclaimers' tape; the writers did). Marshall says, "Hells yeah." Ted pauses. "Or... listen to the Sparky book, again?" Marshall bounces up and down. "Let's listen to the Sparky book again."
The Apartment: Robin returns with Barney. He's got a black eye; a now-relocated dislocated shoulder; is wearing a cervical collar and a foot/ankle brace; is using crutches; and is ragging on the Canadian doctors for providing excellent healthcare free of charge. "Idiots." A beat. "All right, I guess they're not idiots. The coffee was extraordinary." He figures Canada isn't all that bad. "If they play their cards right, maybe they could even become a state, someday." Robin puts a pillow beneath Barney's injured foot and tells him that when he stood up and told off "Canada," she thought America was cool. "And then when those guys pounded the stuffing out of you, I thought, 'Yeah, Canada's pretty cool, too'. In fact, after you passed out, I may have taken a few pokes, myself." Barney looks at her out of his good eye. Robin continues: "So, I've decided -- dual citizenship. I'm going to be American and Canadian." Barney says, "Wait. You can do that?" Robin says, "Yeah, dummy. Instead of being a woman with no country, I'm going to be a woman with two." Barney smiles. "I see." Robin says, "You understand?" Barney says, "No, I can see out of my left eye, again."
Crumpet Manor: Marshall and Ted sneak back into Marshall and Lily's room. She's still in bed. It turns out she didn't even know that he'd been gone. Saget!Ted says, "Crumpet Manor had pampered Lily into a nearly comatose state of relaxation. She didn't even notice we were gone." We flash back to see Lily getting a massage, facial, etc. When her phone buzzes, she incorporates the noise into her hums and moans of pleasure. She had a great time, too, and is fine with missing the pizza. Saget!Ted says, "If she didn't mean it then, she certainly meant it 19 minutes later." We flash forward to Marshall and Ted writhing in pain. Marshall cries, "Oh, my stomach! Damn you, Gazzola's." Ted's in the wingchair. "It's like a hot ball of lead." Marshall rips open his robe and pleads with Lily. "Baby, cut it out of me. CUT IT OUT!"
End tag: Marshall and Ted are chugging TANTRUM and talking LIKE THEY'RE CHUGGING TANTRUM. Marshall exclaims it was a wild trip. Ted agrees and says how great it is to be drinking Tantrum again. Marshall gestures to the empty backseat (oh-oh) and says, "You know who had fun -- was Lily. Lily drank like four cans of the stuff. Right Lil?" Silence. He looks in the backseat. Where's Lily? The camera pulls back to reveal Lily lying atop the moving car. She screams, "TANTRUM!" And then quietly adds, "I have to pee."
I'm sorry I don't have much time for commentary this week, but honestly, the episode felt a little flat to me, especially when I watched it the second (and subsequent) time(s). I liked seeing how Barney and Robin act as a couple when their friends aren't around. I enjoyed seeing Ted and Marshall together. I wasn't crazy about either story, though, and was disappointed that the writers ignored the "no eating in the Fiero" rule, particularly since it was such a big part of "Arrivederci, Fiero." I suspect they bungled some immigration and naturalization policy, but this is only a weecap of a sitcom, so I'm not getting that deep into research. It looks like we're getting a rerun of "The Stinsons" week, so come join us on the forums.
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CindyMcLennan's tantrums are caffeine-free. E-mail her calmly and quietly at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or Twit at her. But don't rip up the phonebook. Not everything's on the internet.