In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
If you're Ted Mosby, isn't bad enough to be standing there in the rain -- holding a bright yellow umbrella -- the first time you run into the person who left you at the altar. Oh no, if you're Ted, your ex- is going to have her baby-daddy, Tony, with her and he's going to pity you. After their chance encounter, Tony comes to Ted to makes amends. His family is influential, and he wants to set Ted up with a job as an architecture professor at Columbia. To Ted, teaching is an admission of defeat, so he passes. Tony comes to Ted again, this time to introduce him to an old classmate who's looking for an architect. The client wants a very special house with a completely tiled laundry room and soundproofed laundry room -- one with chains hanging from the ceiling at a height of nine feet, from which his laundry bags can hang for three days until he's ready to… launder. Dude's totally building a murder house. Ted will pass, thanks. To assuage Tony's guilt over Stella, Ted explains that since she's was able to leave him at the altar for her ex, she's not the kind of woman he wants. Their conversation gives Tony second thoughts about Stella too, and he dumps her.
In the B-plot, Barney gets a speeding ticket and Ted, Robin, and Marshall (and NOBODY) tease him for being unable to talk his way out of it, so he spends the few days racking up tickets in order to prove he can talk (or bribe) his way out of them, but the local law is impervious to his charms. Eventually, he gets arrested in New Jersey. We'll talk about the can Barney drive continuity issue later.
Stella visits Ted and apologizes for hurting him, but what she really wants is for him to talk Tony into taking her back. As you can imagine, Ted's not exactly inclined to help her. Stella goes into this big speech about how Tony's been the love of her life and she loved Ted almost as much, but she never stopped loving Tony. And then there's some b.s. about her age, which we'll also cover in the weecap. She'll do anything Ted wants, if only he'll help her with this one thing. Ted's cell phone rings (his ringtone is Robin's "Let's Go to the Mall" which will never get old). It's Barney; he needs to get bailed out of a New Jersey jail. If Stella will drive Ted to Jersey to get Barney, Ted will talk to Tony. She does, and he does. Oh, Ted. Stella, Tony and their daughter Lucy then leave the Big Apple (or the Big Turnpike) for the bright lights of L.A., where Tony makes a hit movie, The Wedding Bride, which Saget!Ted promises to cover another time. We will hold you to that, Saget!Ted, oh yes we will.
I was going to say I'd cover the end tag in the weecap, but I'm too excited not to say something, so I'll spoil the only real event in it: LILY COMES BACK! Hooray! Catch you on the flip side.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vlogger Sean Crespo thinks HIMYM is just a modern-day Friends in No Prior Knowledge!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We find Ted where we left him last week, standing under the yellow umbrella, waiting for the light to change, waiting for his life to change. But it's more of the same for our boy Teddy, because the leggy woman who approaches him is none other than Stella. Ted turns on the cheer and charm and lies that it's great to see her. And then? She's joined by Tony, her baby daddy and ex -- the very guy who recaptured her heart and inspired her to leave Ted at the altar. Ted keeps smiling. "What a nice surprise!" And we cut to...
MacLaren's: Robin is disgusted that Ted opted for a friendly chat rather than a verbal onslaught, but Barney, Marshall and NOBODY give Ted a standing ovation. Marshall explains to Robin that playing it cool is exactly what Ted should have done, considering the wide range of responses Ted could have had. We flash to the low end of the scale in Marshall's imagination, where Ted sobs as he confesses to Stella that he kept one of her sweaters, and sometimes he just sits in the tub and sniffs it. No. Really. I can't make this stuff up. Back in the real world, Marshall describes the high end of the scale as we flash again to his imagination. Stella and Tony stand under her blue umbrella. Ted stands under the yellow umbrella with his new fiancée (also played by Sarah Chalke, wearing a beret and holding a poodle). Imaginary Ted says, "She's basically Stella, except she's French, and as you can see, she's got enormous cans." Imaginary-French-Stella sticks out her chest and her hand as she says, "Enchantée." Imaginary-American-Rain-Bedraggled-Stella shakes her hand limply and mopes, while Tony lights up like a Christmas tree, kisses French-Stella's hand and returns the greeting. Imaginary Ted and French-Stella giggle and we flash back to...
MacLaren's. Marshall thinks Ted nailed it. And Barney says he probably got Stella thinking. "Give it a week. You'll get her back... and her front!" He then trembles in his seat as if from the "What-Up Quake" he's caused, and Marshall gives him a high-five. Although Ted laughs at Barney's antics, he wants neither side of Stella. He just wants to move on. He raises his glass to that idea. The gang toasts, and we cut to...
Ted's apartment: Even though he meant what he said about moving on, Ted imagines Stella knocking on his door and begging for him to take her back, with promises that they'll have way more sex than ever before. His fantasy is interrupted by an actual knock on the door, which pulls Ted out of his daydream. Could it be? Nah. He opens the door to find... Tony.
Tony -- wearing his gi, of course -- lets out a big sigh and walks right in Ted's apartment. Ted deadpans, "No, come in. It's not weird at all." Apparently Tony doesn't think so, either, because he plops himself down (I mean full recline: head back, feet up) on Ted's couch. If I didn't know Ted and/or Robin had been sitting there each day since, I'd hope that there were Naked Man remnants there, but that's too icky to contemplate, and Ted isn't gross or anything. Tony feels guilty for his part in breaking up Ted and Stella's wedding. It's kept him up on those nights that seven months of mad reunion sex with Stella hasn't. Ted feels for you, Tony. I'm sure of it. Tony says that he, Stella and Lucy were set to move to L.A., where Tony was going to become a screenwriter, but because of the direction he's facing, he can't see Ted roll his eyes. Regardless, Tony's point is: once he saw Ted standing in the rain, looking so sad, he had to talk to him.
Ted denies being sad, but Tony doesn't believe him, and blathers on in that way that people do, when they're trying to make you feel better, but every word only makes you feel worse. Anyhow, Tony believes he's an agent of "fate," put on that street corner to make things right. He knows Ted lost his job. Ted says he "transitioned into small business ownership. It's the backbone of the economy." Tony says, "No it's not." Hah. At any rate, Tony's family is rich and he wants to use their money to make things right with Ted. And we jump to...
MacLaren's: Marshall so hopes Tony wrote Ted a big fat check -- one so big, "It doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming." Barney says, "That is a big, fat check. A check so big, if you had sex with it, you wouldn't tell your buddies." Marshall says, "That is a big, fat check." Robin finishes: "A check so big, that when you sit to it on an airplane, you find yourself wondering whether the check should have bought two seats." Marshall and Barney take turns spitting out that that's a big fat check. Ted laughs, but no, Tony didn't offer him a check. We flash back to...
Ted's apartment: Tony wants to use his wealthy and influential family's pull to get Ted a job as a professor of architecture at Columbia. Ted laughs bitterly, and says, "No thanks," and we flash forward to...
MacLaren's: Marshall can't believe Ted didn't accept. He'd be a great professor. He's knowledgeable, a "good talker" and when he needs to, he can grow a "handsome neck beard." Heh. Ted's all those who can do, do; those who can't, teach, only not in so many words, so he doesn't have a bunch of righteously angry teachers come at him with torches and pitchforks. The gang grumbles, but Ted's not going to take the job and demands a change of topic.
Barney obliges. He just got a $200 speeding ticket. Marshall rags on him because he couldn't talk his way out of it. When Barney claims you can't talk your way out of a ticket, we flash back to 1998. Marshall's getting a ticket from a Minnesota State Trooper. When the cop asks Marshall where the fire is, Marshall spots the guy's gut, and says the fire's at the barbecue to which he's headed, and there'll be burgers, ribs and brats (pronounced braahts, short for bratwurst), including one with Trooper Jorgesen's name on it. That changes everything. The trooper puts his ticket book away and tells Marshall to follow him and lean on the horn, "We're going to be running some reds." We flash forward to...
MacLaren's: Barney says he would have done likewise if he'd been on his way to a barbecue, but then d'oh he remembers he was. Marshall schools him on sizing up his opponent. In addition to the trooper being out of breath just from walking to Marshall's car, the mustard on his holster was a dead giveaway. Robin says, "Marshall Eriksen! Manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage? That is very hot." Marshall clicks his tongue and winks at her, and I think that it's a good thing NOBODY is there to get mad at them for flirting like that. Of course nobody flirts like NOBODY does, so maybe nobody would be in trouble here and now. Anyways, Barney jumps in with some bitch, please talk, and you know I adore Neil Patrick Harris, but this part was too over-the-top to recap. Suffice it to say, Barney (or the Sister-Friend pretending to be him) assures his friends he can talk his way out of a ticket, too. Ah, thank goodness, he's back to normal now. "If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, I think I can talk my way out of a ticket." He looks at his friends. "Challenge accep-- wait for it..." They do, and he points at Ted, which makes everyone but Ted laugh. I guess he didn't wait long enough for it. When Ted says he doesn't get it, Barney gestures to his brain. Ted waits a little longer, and then says, "Oh! Ted. Accept-ted. I get it now." And we cut to...
Ted's apartment: Tony knocks on the door with another grand idea to further Ted's career. A friend of his from "private school" needs an architect to design his house. Ted's not at all interested until he sees the magic numbers scrawled on the note Tony hands him.
Meanwhile, Barney's doing at least 110 m.p.h. down the highway. When a diligent cop pulls him over, Barney tries to bribe him with a gift certificate for a custom-tailored Italian suit. We flash forward to...
MacLaren's: Barney announces the latest ticket (out of which he could not talk himself). Three hundred and seventy-five dollars. "And? He kept the gift certificate." While Marshall laughs at him, Robin tells Barney that he's "bad at this, dude." Barney doubts Robin has ever talked her way out of a ticket, and we flash back to...
Robin crying on the side of the highway: The cop who has stopped her calls her honey and tells her it's okay. "No ticket for you. Just go a little slower time." When he walks off, Robin looks in her rearview mirror as she wipes away her tears and says, "Thank you." We sideways slide to...
MacLaren's: Marshall gives Robin a high five for her ticket-talking-out-of-ways, as Barney sits and stews. As Ted enters, Barney leaves in a snit, announcing that he believes he left something in New Jersey. Robin asks Ted how his lunch went with "rich guy." And we flash back to...
Client's Mansion: Ted blathers about the landscaping and Frank Lloyd Wright, but the client is only interested in the design of his laundry room -- because sometimes, "It gets messy." The client wants a completely tiled laundry room -- one with chains hanging from the ceiling at a height of nine feet, from which his laundry bags can hang for three days and nights, before he cleans them. Dude's totally building a murder house. We flash forward to MacLaren's, where Robin has already caught onto the murder house issue, but then we flash back to the client's mansion, where Tony's telling Ted that his "instincts" indicate this is a good architect/client match. The client demonstrates his need for sound-proofing by going to his "laundry" room, to test whether or not Ted can hear him "doing laundry." Since client's "laundry" involves him running a chain saw, that's a big 10-4, buddy. Back at MacLaren's, Marshall and Robin scream that Ted cannot design a "murder house." And we cut to...
The highway: Barney speeds along, telling the cop in his rearview mirror to "bring it." Once he's pulled over, Barney spews this big story about his wife going into labor. When the cop asks where Barney's wife is, Barney tries to dissemble about another car, and seats made of Italian leather. He fails, and racks up another ticket. We cut to...
MacLaren's: Tony apologizes for the "murder house thing," and tries to set Ted up to build a husband for the Statue of Liberty. [...Because he knows people at City Hall? Man, it's like they're not even trying this episode. - Zach] When Ted insists that Tony stop trying to fix his life, Tony says that he can't, because he can only imagine how much Ted misses Stella. Ted insists he doesn't want Stella back. "She lied to me and left me at the altar. What kind of person does that? I'm better off without her. She's all yours, buddy." Tony chews on Ted's words, and we cut to...
Ted's apartment: Stella knocks on the door. When Ted answers, she says, "Tony broke up with me." Commercial! When we return, Stella lays the blame for Tony breaking up with her -- squarely on Ted. Robin, sitting on the couch, says, "You got Tony to dump Stella?" She gestures toward Stella. "I am very sorry, but..." Holding her fist out toward him, Robin turns her attention to Ted. "I am going to have to insist that you bump this." Instead of doing Robin's bidding and pleasing me to no end, Ted suggests that he and Stella talk in the hall. My girl Robin will be waiting, though, fist in the air.
In the hallway, Ted asks Stella why she's there, and Stella first issues her seven-months-too-late apology for leaving him stranded at the altar, and then explains to Ted that she and Tony have been in love since high school, but her pregnancy at age 19 was too much for them to handle and... I CALL BULLSHIT! When Ted meets Stella, she's already gone through college, medical school, her internship and her dermatology residency. Her daughter Lucy is about eight years old. Unless Stella was, herself, a real-life Doogie Howser M.D., she is -- at the very least -- 30 years old. Don't play me for a chump, Show. She's still Sarah Chalke and she's still stunning, whether her character is 25 or 45 years old. Anyhow, for a long time, Stella focused on being a mother -- not on Tony and not on the idea of being in love. Ted reminded her of the possibilities, and she did love him, just not enough to either marry him or throw Tony over for him.
Just then, Ted's neighbor, Mrs. Matsen (played by the lovely, talented and delightful Renée Taylor) opens her door and advises Stella to forgive Ted and take him back, because, "He's sorry." When Ted explains that's not what's going on and asks Mrs. Matsen to go back inside, she rolls her eyes as she acquiesces. Ted then tells Stella that it is "Good seeing [her]," and makes to return to his apartment. He's stopped short only when Stella asks him if he can "talk to Tony." Ted, bless him, says, "What?!" instead of hitting her. After Stella begs some more and acknowledges that "it's an awful thing to ask," he says, "Yeah. It's an awful thing to ask," because, oh, my word. WHAT AN AWFUL THING TO ASK! Where's Lily? We need some smiting. Stat. Stella knows it's awful, but she has no idea what else to do. "I love [Tony]." After Ted takes great pains to explain that she's already disconnected all the romantic strings inside him that she's now trying to pluck, Mrs. Matsen peeks her head outside her door once more, to encourage them to kiss, but Ted and Stella yell at her to go back inside. And we cut to...
Highway: Barney gets pulled over by an attractive female cop. When he turns on the charm, the cop takes off her helmet, shakes her hair free of its bonds, and unzips her uniform top while assuring Barney that while he's not under arrest, he's "about to be under [her]." Porn music plays as Barney gives two thumbs up to the camera and we cut to...
MacLaren's: Robin and Marshall recognize Barney's talked-my-way-out-of-a-ticket story for the porny fairy tale that it is. [I like that Marshall says he's seen that porno, and hell, he's made that porno -- if Lily's knowledge of porn is any indication, that's likely true. - Z] Barney swears up, down, and all around that he's not lying, but Saget!Ted informs us that he is, and we flash back to...
Ted's corridor: Again, Mrs. Marsten encourages Ted and Stella to kiss and make up. Once she's gone, Stella asks if there's anything she can do to make this better. As soon as Ted says, "No," his cell phone rings. His ringtone is Robin Sparkles' "Let's Go To The Mall," which all by its lonesome boosts this episode up into the B range. It's Barney on the phone, begging for Ted's help, because he's in terrible trouble. He's in a New Jersey jail for his 15th moving violation in three days. He's scared to death of the hardened criminals with whom he's sharing a cell, and no wonder. One of the thugs, who must be 13, at least, asks the cops if they're going to get their spray paint back. Hee. Ted tells Stella that if she wants to do something for him, she can drive him to Jersey to bail out Barney. Stella says, "Okay. You'll pay for tolls, right?" When Ted glares at her, Stella smiles and cops that she's just kidding. Oh, Stella -- how could Ted let a wit like you get away? We cut to...
A Police Station in New Jersey: Ted and Stella bail out Barney and drive all the way back to New York. When they drop Barney off, he says, "Oh, by the way, Ted, how's the girl you've been seeing -- that super-hot French chick with the big, enormous boobs?" Ted doesn't miss a beat. "Oh, you mean Claudette? Yeah, she's uh... she's fine." Barney says, "She's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted. EVER." He then looks Stella straight in the eye and tells her goodbye, but to give her her due, Stella plays along, even though she knows better.
Once they're alone, Stella again starts to apologize, but Ted cuts her short and says he'll talk to Tony. He wants her to be happy. We're treated to a montage of a crying Tony listening to Ted and finally hugging him with great enthusiasm. Saget!Ted narrates that he doesn't know what he did, but the day, Tony, Stella and Lucy flew to California, where Stella set up a new dermatology practice, and Tony's movie, The Wedding Bride landed him success as a screenwriter. [I can't wait to learn more about that one, as promised by SagetTed, since the poster makes it look like the story of Ted and Stella's wedding. - Z] We flash back to...
Stella's car: Ted wants to know, "Why Tony?" It's not the money or the "Kung Fu Pajamas." He's just..."the one." Ted admits that since their aborted wedding, he's been keeping his feelings inside, but he still wants what he thinks she and Tony have, and what he knows Marshall and Lily have. He's tired of waiting, though. Stella then tells Ted how she once talked her way out of a speeding ticket. She was doing 90 on a country road, when a cop pulled her over and said, "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." Stella says she apologized to him. "I'm so sorry, officer -- I got here as fast as I could." Ted laughs and says, "Really?" No, you doofus, it was joke, but Stella's point remains, because she gets to say the episode title. Whoever "the one" for Ted is, she's out there, and she's on her way, and she's getting there "as fast as she can." Ted bids her goodbye, and Stella, who looks like she wants to hug and kiss him, (only) says goodbye in return. Holding the yellow umbrella in his left hand, Ted watches as she drives away, runs his hand through his hair, and hastens up the steps to his apartment, as Michelle Featherstone cautions us that this is going to hurt, if it ever starts, and so we must promise to be careful with her heart.
End Tag: As Barney finishes a silly story about the last time he wrote his name in his undergarments, LILY COMES BACK TO MACLAREN'S and immediately boosts the episode to the A range, because my word, I've missed her. Have you? She tells Barney that when he told her the peanut butter and jam joke, she was "completely disgusted." The gang all looks at one another with regret, so she adds, "But, I was in the shower this morning, and it popped into my head and actually made me laugh. Peanut butter." Delighted, Barney smiles and listens as she continues: "So I can see now how I may have overreacted -- Marshall's words, not mine." Barney says it's good to see her, so Lily asks what he's been up to. Barney says he's going to an amnesia ward, "with a bunch of photos of my 'children' and a wedding ring. I'm going to find the hottest patient-slash-my-wife, and we are going to..." Lily cuts him off. "Okay, so that's good enough for tonight. I've got to ease back into this. See you tomorrow." She rises and leaves her friends. Marshall shrugs, turns to Barney and we fade to black.
So, see? Stella's totally not the mom. We'll just ignore how I originally included a spoiler in the recaplet and only took it out once the editorial staff contacted me with a, "?!?!??!?!" Apparently, my brain shuts down after 22 episodes, whether the show "must" go on, or not. To those five of you who read the (original version of the) recaplet and weren't spoiled for the goods I spilled, I am so sorry. And the rest of you? Rest easy. We're almost home. There's just one more week of this season, and there's no need to panic. Everything is going to be okay. How could it not be? Lily is BACK!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vlogger Sean Crespo thinks HIMYM is just a modern-day Friends in No Prior Knowledge!
Cindy McLennan has an unhealthy attachment to Alyson Hannigan, dating back to her days as Willow on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Feel free to e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan, or tweet at her at http://twitter.com/CindyMcLennan to commiserate. She'll see you week, provided the two-hour Lost finale doesn't kill her dead.