Marshall got a hair cut ["It's about freakin' time." -- Angel] and the writers tease us some more with the goat! Hooray! Recaplet done. See you tomorrow. I'm missing out on watching A Charlie Brown Christmas with my kids. Really? But what about the Snoopy Dance? Have you no pity? Oh…er…um. Okay.
Doug is an irrational and rather violent MacLaren's bartender, with a wig so bad it almost makes you miss Marshall's recent hair. Okay, but still. Anyhow, Doug gets into a fight with patrons squatting in our gang's booth and then blacks out. Afterwards, he assumes Barney and Ted had his back. Ted's masculinity is still bruised from being abandoned at the altar, so he's not inclined to correct Doug. And Robin thinks fighting is hot, so Barney's got incentive to take credit (and free drinks for life) that he doesn't deserve. Doug makes a big deal over Ted and Barney and gives the whole table free drinks -- except Marshall, whom he says didn't have his back. Marshall tries to take the sane, high, non-violent road, but the gang mocks him when he tries to tell them about his fights with his brothers. To reward his sense and restore his ego, Lily has Marshall visit her class, to teach some of her more brawl-inclined students that violence isn't the answer, but the children laugh and call Marshall a wuss.
Ted and Barney are then sued for assaulting Doug's victims, even though they didn't touch them, so they run to Marshall for legal counsel and fess up that they never threw a punch. Robin comes in -- all hot, bothered and asking Barney to a hockey game, but Marshall, who is still bitter about being mocked for his maturity, spills the beans on his way out the door, and Robin is immediately disenchanted.
Marshall gets Doug's victims to drop the lawsuit against Barney and Ted by explaining his friends are wimps. Of course this means Ted and Barney have thrown angry, irrational, violent Doug under the bus. When Doug confronts them in the MacLaren's alley, Barney flees in terror. Finally, Marshall talks some sense into Doug, who admits he blacks out, but now accepts that Ted and Barney didn't have his back. He spits that he's not surprised Stella left Ted at the altar. Enraged, Ted hauls off and punches Doug in the face, and Doug knocks him out.
The day, Ted, with a beautiful shiner, lectures Lily's kindergarten the day about how fighting is bad and, "You shouldn't do it. Ever." The kids are sure Lily does all her friend-shopping at the wuss market. What Ted and Lily never tell them is that Marshall made mince meat of Doug, and his ugly rug, too. Marshall's fights with his brothers were much more than roughhousing in the rumpus room. Saget!Ted knows he can't prevent his kids from ever fighting -- so he simply tells them to never fight Uncle Marshall. "That guy's freaking crazy." Besides, you don't want to mess up his cute new 'do.
Check out How I Met Your Mother's best catchphrases.
If you remember nothing else from this weecap, remember this: Jason Segel got his haircut! I'm giving the episode an A right off the top, just for that. He looks young, adorable, and like himself, again. I swear it improves his acting, too. This is a fun, funny episode, with lots of continuity-gasms, but nothing in it makes me as happy as Marshall's short, curly hair. Welcome home, hair. We've missed you so. Please don't go away like that, again. M'kay?
You ready? Okay, let's go. Over a montage of fight scenes -- boxers, sumo wrestlers, kangaroo/man boxing matches -- Saget!Ted ponders the human urge to fight. He comments that it's in us from the beginning, and we cut to Lily's classroom. She's breaking up what is supposed to be a fight (but looks more like an awkward Lambada) between two boys in her class. When she tells them fighting is stupid and juvenile, they of course say something like, "We're six. We are stupid and juvenile," as is the precocious child trope.
I am Ted's broken heart.
Cut to MacLaren's. In slow-motion, a beaten and bloodied Barney and Ted return to the bar through the rear door, as Saget!Ted tells his kids that he's only been in one fight in his life, and this is the story of how it happened. Oh, Saget!Ted? The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. He's too busy narrating to listen, so over a shot of current Ted reading Stella's "Dear John" letter, Saget!Ted explains that after getting left at the altar itself, the unrelenting pity of others is the worst thing about being left at the altar. We should invite him to the boards.
The gang is ensconced in the semi-round booth in the corner, instead of their usual. Wendy the waitress delivers their drinks and addresses Ted as one might address a newly orphaned child. When he asks for a menu, she assures him she will be back with it. Ted complains he's going to have to find a new bar, because at MacLaren's he'll always be the guy who got left at the altar. In a faraway voice, Barney says, "Good times." Ted notes that they've lost him and when Robin is confused, Lily points out the girl in a tight red sweater across the bar whose mere presence has Barney so distracted, he is not listening to a word they're saying. "Right, Barney?"
"Gimme a Break," says Barney.
Ted explains that Barney figured out he could fake conversation just by responding with titles of Black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Barney cocks his head. "What's Happening?" Robin smiles as Lily invites Barney upstairs to do stuff to her she won't even let Marshall do. Barney laughs and holds out his hands as if he's weighing his options. "Diff'rent Strokes." Hee. You know, as long as I don't mention The Cosby Show, I could totally use this on my kids. They wouldn't know. Theirs is A Different World.
Mad TV's Will Sasso is wearing a bad toupee and a worse attitude as he approaches our gang at the semi-round. "What the hell is this?" Saget!Ted explains that Doug Martin (Sasso) is a bartender at MacLaren's, as we're treated to a series of flashbacks into which the show has cleverly inserted this Doug. During an early "Have you met Ted?" Doug is there. When Barney gets the pencil up his nose, Doug is there. When Barney dresses in drag to pick up a lesbian, Doug is there. Doug is always there, and always in his wig so hideous, I hesitate to call it a Shemp, for fear of offending Shemp. Do you think they put poor Sasso in that toupee, just to make sure we appreciate Marshall looking like Marshall, again? We already do, Show. You didn't have to go to all that trouble. In fact, you're making me feel like you're threatening to bring back the bad hair. I don't respond well to threats.
Saget!Ted explains the three things we need to know about Doug. We learn Doug has a violent streak, as he describes a brutal beating to Barney and Ted. We learn he's weird about his hair (as well he should be) as he confronts the gang for looking at it (how could they not), admits it's a toupee, and dares them to grab it right off his head. We also learn though, that Doug is quite loyal to his regular customers. We see him chase a priest and a nun out of the gang's usual booth. "Okay you two lovebirds, let's take this somewhere else. This booth's reserved." Heh. So, that's Ted's long way of explaining that Doug's earlier "What the hell is this?" was a sign of his concern that the gang was sitting in the semi-round, rather than at their usual table. Leave them be, Doug. It'll be easier for the cameras to get shots of everyone's face's, and nobody will have to pull up a chair.
When Doug (whose name I keep typing Dough) realizes the gang has been displaced, he goes over to the three men sitting at the table, and argues with them -- loudly. Returning to the semi-round, he tells Robin and Lily to take their seats at their usual table, and tells the guys he needs them to come out in the alley and fight the booth squatters. Barney sits up straight -- his eyes wide. "What's Happening, Now?"
I am Barney's cold sweat.
Ted, Marshall and Barney are lovers, not fighters, so when Doug leaves for the alley, expecting they'll follow, they're not sure what to do. Ted seems a little intrigued and wonders if they should go out there. Barney says, "Come on Ted, there's only three things you'll ever see me fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra; sexual harassment charges (he's nine for nine); and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black... suit." He fights back his gorge.
Marshall agrees and reminds them that they're civilized guys. "Civilized guys don't fight, unless it's with lightsabers, but that's like three to five years away, so..." When Robin says that's not true, Marshall gets his dander up. "Robin, I'm on the forums every day. Three to five Thanksgivings from now, I'm going to be carving the turkey with Old Green."
Robin's point though, is that in certain situations, fighting is necessary. Ted tattles that she thinks fighting is sexy. A good ex is a discreet ex. Have you met Ted? Barney snaps to attention as Robin's denial turns into a confession. "No, I do not... a lot. Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot." The guys smirk at her as she continues. "And scars? Hello? If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin. And if he's missing teeth -- I'm missing my pants." I'm pretty sure that's Brit usage, right there.
Lily cringes for her friend while Barney says, "I'm missing my wisdom teeth. Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia. Whatever. It ain't a thing." Ted thinks they should go out in the alley with Doug. Lily tries to talk sense into him, reminding him that he's thirty.
Saget!Ted narrates a series of flashbacks to show us the extent of his experience in physical altercations. He was punched once at a club, when there'd been a big misunderstanding. (I can't identify the clip -- is it continuity, like from Okay Awesome or something, or simply retcon?) As a college-aged Camp Counselor, Ted was punched in the nuts by a little kid. Saget!Ted adds, "In college, I studied some kung fu." We flash back to Ted and Marshall's dorm room. They're sharing a really big sandwich and watching a terrible martial arts flick. Saget!Ted tells us there was some other stuff, and we see Ted dueling with Marshall, reuniting with Punchy, and teasing us big time, by which I mean we see a shot of The GOAT! while Saget Ted says, "The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months." Mean. For all that, though, Ted has never been in a fight, but that's about to change. Current day Ted announces to the gang that he's going "out there."
Lily and Marshall try to talk him out of it. Marshall confesses he's been in plenty of fights; he's not proud of it. Ted doesn't buy it. When Marshall says he fought with his brothers, Robin and Ted laugh. Barney joins them. "Yes, I'm sure there was quite a rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room." We're treated to a scene of the mental picture this gives the gang, with one of Marshall's brothers praising brotherly horseplay as Marshall takes the role of the Tickle Monster, and another Eriksen boy gives Marshall noogies. This continues until Marshall calls "Timesies" and they stop for a cocoa break. Back at the bar, Marshall and Barney slurp their drinks as if it's hot chocolate, and Marshall shrugs them off.
Ted declares it's clobbering time. When he starts to leave the table, Lily tries to stop him by pointing out that being a nice guy is his best quality. Ted's tone grows serious. "Is it? Because I seem to remember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancée for a Taekwondo instructor. Look, this may sound crazy... but I think this is an experience I need to have."
The look on Robin's face is priceless. Suffice it to say she is turned on by this new side of Ted, and this does not escape Barney's notice. He decides to go, too. He hesitates, though -- both nervous and wanting to drill into Robin's brain that he's ready to rumble. "Guys, take a good look at this face." Taps plays in the background. "The time you see it, it will be disfigured in the hottest possible way -- because that's who I am. I'm a man." Robin looks even more turned on, while Barney doffs his suit coat. "I like to fight, mix it up, get all dirty." He hands the jacket to Robin. "Would you find a wood hanger for this?" She takes the garment and clutches it to her bosom.
I am Cindy's complete lack of surprise.
Ted rushes out with Barney right behind him, to find Doug panting in the alleyway while the three booth squatters lie unconscious near overturned rubbish barrels. Barney asked what happened. Doug (still typing Dough) says, "I know, right?" He turns toward his victims. "Who's not looking at my toupee now, HUH?" Facing Ted and Barney he says, "Look at what we did to these guys!" Ted questions Doug's use of we. Doug says, "Yeah, we, come on man, we're a good team." Doug starts to make his way back inside. "Nice work boys, we did it." When Ted insists that Doug did it, Doug snorts. "Okay, yeah, sure. I just beat up three guys by myself." He points at Ted and Barney. "You and you? Free drinks for life," then goes back into the bar. Okay, so there are four things we need to know about Doug, Saget!Ted. He has a violent streak. He's weird about his hair. He is loyal to his regular customers. And? He's batshit insane. It takes Barney about three seconds to realize he can milk Dough's delusions, oh that frigging typo, I'm calling him Dough from here on out. So, anyhow, Barney realizes he can milk Dough's delusions in order to get credit for a fight he didn't have to have. He gives Ted their marching orders. "We are going to in there and tell everyone the legendary tale," (he's so excited he couldn't wait for it) "of how we beat up some guys, and everyone is going to think it's great, and everyone is going to sleep with me again."
Ted seems to have no clue that Robin is everyone, and just points out that the story isn't believable, because they don't look like they were in a fight, so Barney hauls off and punches himself in the eye, and then (although I don't know why Ted didn't expect it) he sucker punches Ted right in the nose, bloodies it, and makes Ted cry (no, really). Barney comforts him as only Barney can. "Oh, that's going to swell up real good. You'll look like Owen Wilson." Barney wants to get back inside to everyone. Ted says they should play the whole incident down. He doesn't want it to turn into a big thing, so of course they return to a big thing -- including an announcement by Dough that they had his back, and cheers and applause from the entire bar. And Robin, who possibly mouths, "Hot!"
I am Marshall's raging bile duct.
Back inside MacLaren's Marshall doesn't believe Barney and Ted were involved in a fight. Ted says, "Um, no, Barney punched me and himself and me in the face, to make it look like we got in a fight. Come on, Marshall!" Oh, nice truthy lie there, Ted.
Robin's sitting to Barney and practically drooling on him and his blackened eye, which she says makes him look like a badass. "I'm surprised to see you had it in me... you. Had it in you." While this causes Lily to look a bit surprised, Marshall looks appalled and revolted. Barney offers to let her touch it, which she does. He winces, so she takes her hand away with a big smile. "Oh my God, it's warm." We're still talking about the eye, people. They're at the booth. Doug comes over to the table and makes a big deal over Ted and Barney -- giving the whole table free victory drinks -- except Marshall, who didn't have his back. Marshall tries to take the sane high road -- and gets soundly mocked when he tries to tell the guys about his fights with his brothers.
Later, at home, in bed, Marshall rants to Lily. "I hate those guys. Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe -- like they're Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff." The Hoff? Really? When he argues that he's the real hero for not fighting, Lily tries to get sexy with him. Marshall's too mad for sex. "I'm serious, woman. Put it back in your pants." And you're as adorable as they come, Marshall, but I think you need to study the list and some basic anatomy and physiology, so you'll be more receptive to your cute wife.
To reward his inclination toward non-violence, Lily has Marshall visit her class, to teach some of her more brawl-inclined students that violence isn't the answer. And of course the children think Marshall is a wuss. He and his puppets -- Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala (hee!) -- are disappointed that the children are so naturally bellicose. One little kid accuses Marshall of being too scared to fight. Another kid adds, "You're huge. You must weigh, like, a thousand pounds," completely missing Lily's gesturing for him to cut. Marshall gets defensive about his weight, blaming his sweater, and salty lunch, but he's so damned cute with his haircut I can't see anything wrong with him now, even when he hollers at the kid to shut up. They all start chanting, "Wuss wuss wuss," and the two little Lambada guys from the top of the episode tumble to the ground, wrestling each other as the children cheer them on.
Meanwhile, at the bar, Ted and Barney are making great headway with women, milking the fight they never had. When Robin walks in, Barney decides to put their money where his mouth is, because two guys are sitting at their booth. Of course he thinks Doug will have their back, and of course, Doug's off that night. One of the guys recognizes Ted and then Barney, because they aren't just booth squatters; they're process servers. We never learn their names, so I'll call the first one Jason Dohring the Lesser and the other one -- this generation's Jason "Ears" Behr.
I am Marshall's smirking revenge.
Barney's so relieved they don't actually have to fight, that it takes a bit for him to realize he and Ted are being sued for assaulting Doug's victims. Back at Ted's apartment, they consult Marshall as their legal counsel. Marshall knows the guys are just looking at a small fine or the like, but he's still pissed at them out-Hasselhoffing him, so he lets them think they could be facing prison time. Ted starts to romanticize it. Hey, he hasn't hooked up with a potential mother this episode. He needs to romanticize something. Anyhow, in prison, he could read, write and work out all the time. Barney's less sanguine. "Ted, we can't go to prison. People get shivved in the joint." Ted fesses up that they never threw a punch -- Dough did the whole thing. Marshall slams the table as he rises and shouts that he knew it, and could not be more fey as he wags his finger, and I think his ass -- while asking who the wusses are now. Ted begs for help, but Marshall's still bitter that they mocked him and don't believe he had legitimate fights with his brothers. They must not be too afraid of prison, because this sends both Barney and Ted into fits of giggles.
They realize they're shooting themselves in the foot, which I hope the show will one day re-Christen as >the Plaxico, so they try to work on Marshall from a more friendly angle, but are interrupted when Robin returns home (she lives there now, remember). She's all hot, bothered and as simpering as she was when Fivehead was on the show. She asks Barney to a hockey game and out for drinks. Marshall's just on his way out the door, so he interrupts. "Hey Robin, get this. You know that fight? These guys faked the whole thing." He slams the door shut on his own smiling face.
Robin stiffens as the spell breaks. "Uh. Oh. I forgot. Tonight is no good. I can't go to that hockey game tonight. I've got that, uh..." She backs away from Barney while repeating that uh five more times until she walks into her bedroom (formerly Lily and Marshall's). Ted and Barney look at each other, and it's tough to tell if Ted's figured out Barney's angle, and if he does -- whether or not he cares.
At MacLaren's, Marshall announces he got Doug's victims to drop the lawsuit against Barney and Ted. "Boom. Lawyered!" That will never get old. When the guys want to know how, Marshall says he explained they're wusses. He gestures toward Barney. "I explain how you get a mani/pedi once a month." Barney corrects him -- it's once a week -- and calls him Wolverine. Marshall then gestures toward Ted. "And how you played the hammered dulcimer at the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan." [Go Wes! - Zach] Ted is miffed. "Did you at least tell them we were one of the premier medieval chamber groups in the Little Ivies?" And true to form, Ted pronounces medieval as med-AY-val. Marshall did, and you can tell he did and he's still relishing the fact that he did. He makes sure to add that they all agreed it was much more likely that one guy beat up the three of them than that Ted and Barney had anything to do with it. Ted says, "So wait, now they're only suing Doug?" Marshall and Barney are both pleased by this, so Ted adds, "Angry, irrational, violent Doug who now knows we're the ones who threw him under the bus...?"
Okay writers, I love this episode, but please get rid of "under the bus." I mean it. Note I didn't do that cutesie -- throw 'under the bus' under the bus thing, either. Just stop it. It's dead. It's over. Banish it from your tongues, pens and keyboards. I know you brought awesome back, and I applaud you for that, but I'd like to encourage you to keep creating new terms of speech, rather than resurrecting old ones, or helping current ones remain in past their expiration date. Please. I'm begging you. Let me put it in language you might better understand...
"Under the bus" has jumped the shark. It's time to think outside the box, don't you think? Irregardless of your love for the phrase, you must realize that from your seat at ground zero of our popular culture. You have a responsibility -- if not to us -- your Joe and Jo Sixpack audience, then to the children. These trite clichés are a Sasquatchian-sized carbon footprint on the turf that is our common tongue. I could care less if you have my back on most issues, but hearing and reading "under the bus" and the like makes me want to go nu-cu-lerrr. This concludes my talking points. Thank you for your consideration.
Back to the story -- angry, irrational, violent Doug is just getting word on the phone that he's been... left to hang by his favored patrons. Out in the alley, Barney asks to explain. Dough says, "Explain what? Explain how you stabbed me in the back, right to my face?" Oh, Dough. Oh, no.
Robin, poor pathetic Robin, is now turned on by Dough. In an aside to Lily, she says, "Is Doug seeing anyone?" Lily speaks for all of us. "Are you seeing anyone. You really should."
I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.
Ted tells Dough he beat up the booth squatters without help from him and Barney. After Barney flees in terror, while trying to frame Ted, Marshall points out how wimpy Ted is. Dough begins to realize he did it all alone. He admits he blacks out a lot. "Anyways, I always got your back. All I ask in return is that you got mine. But you know what? You don't. Can't be counted on." And here it comes. Wait for it. "No wonder your fiancée left you." Okay, so there are five things we need to know about Doug. He has a violent streak. He's weird about his hair. He is loyal to his regular customers. He's batshit insane. And? Regardless of how tough he is, he's not above hitting below the belt.
Saget!Ted narrates: "And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in." Current-day Ted sets his sights on Dough. The camera zooms in for an extra tight shot of his face. Marshall, Robin and Lily look on -- realizing Doug's pushed Ted one step too far. Saget!Ted continues, "So what can I share about the experience?" In slow motion, Ted winds up and delivers a right hook to Dough's doughy dough-hole. "Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face -- it hurts your hand. A lot." Still in still motion, we see Ted reel back from his punch, his mouth wide open, as if he's screaming in pain. "But you know what hurts even more than that?" We see Dough punching Ted. "This." We hear Doug's blow reach its target. The screen goes black.
The thing Ted remembers is waking up. Barney comes running into the alley, after the danger has passed, claiming he's all warmed up and ready to do this thing. I don't think Robin's going to buy that after he went screaming away like a toddler. Sock aside, she never was one for babies. The day, Ted, with a beautiful shiner, lectures Lily's kindergarten the day about how fighting is bad and, "You shouldn't do it. Ever." The kids, who are less sweet than real-world kindergarteners, are sure Lily does all her friend-shopping at the wuss market and resort, once again, to fisticuffs.
Saget!Ted notes he didn't tell those kids what really happened. The second rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. When Ted woke up and Barney came running back, Dough was lying flat on the ground, unconscious. For a moment, I think he's wearing a halo, but it's just CBS's eye logo. Ha. Barney asks what happens. Marshall holds up Doug's rug. "This happened."
Ted stands. "Holy crap."
Saget!Ted tells the kids, "It turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers did a little more than roughhouse." Flashback to Minnesota. As The Foreskin's "Murder Train" plays in the background, we see the Eriksen rumpus room doubles as Fight Club, and cocoa break doesn't involve little sips of velvety, soothing nectar, but rather getting doused in the face with a steaming cup full of the burning liquid. The house is a wreck, and Marshall pummels the hell out of his brother, until we return to the present day. Robin gets all googly-eyed again and confides in Lily that Marshall looks good. She asks if he's lost weight. Lily bobs her head. "Bitch? Don't even." Ha! And yeah, no shit, Robin. He looks so good because he cut his hair. Thank you, Jason.
When the gang returns to MacLaren's, Doug serves them professionally and easily. Saget!Ted says, "Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, but I know that's pointless. So I'll leave you with this: don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall. That guy's freaking crazy."
End tag: A title card informs us that it's Thanksgiving Day, three to five years in the future. Lily and Marshall at are the Eriksen homestead for the holiday. Marshall stands at the head of the table, and gives the speedy old blessing: "Good food. Good meat. Good God, let's eat." Everyone giggles then he says, "Okay, here we go. Goggles on." The whole family obeys. After donning his own goggles, Marshall reaches down to his chair, and picks up something... it's a lightsaber. It comes to life -- Old Green, indeed. He waves it around and tells the family to pass the plates, then asks Lily if she wants white or dark meat. She tells him she wants dark and asks him to please be careful. He raises his saber high, then chops down at the turkey, and we fade to black.
Awesome!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read up on "lawyered," "legendary" and Slapsgiving in HIMYM: The New Verbiage!
Cindy McLennan would love to have a lightsaber, but she'd probably Plaxico herself with it. You can e-mail her at CindyMcLennan[at]gmail.com, but please don't throw her under a bus. Amen.