Is That Your Final Answer?

S04E02

Saget!Ted laments the loss of all the funky, neighborhood hole-in-the-wall joints that fell prey to New York gentrification. He's particularly appalled by the closure of Fez, an awesome lounge at 85th and Broadway, which was replaced by a bank, but not just any bank -- GNB: Goliath National Bank. (Buck up, Ted. I'm pretty sure there'll be lots of dumps in your neighborhood, any minute now. Of course, they'll still be banks.) Barney's madly in love with GNB. He's wearing their baseball cap, and carrying a GNB duffel bag, the kind preferred by most banking industry execs for travel to locales known for their lack of extradition treaties with the U.S. government.

When Ted tells him he looks like the last pick in the draft, Barney explains his company just bought out GNB in a brutal takeover that cost 2,000 jobs and... my word! I watch sitcoms to escape reality, not relive it. Barney tries to tempt Marshall into taking a job in GNB's legal department, but Lily reminds him and us that he quit his last soul-sucking corporate job to be an environmental lawyer. Oh yeah, because when you're a kindergarten teacher, you rake in so much dough that you can afford to encourage your spouse to flip off the man, as long as the two of you are willing to continue living with his college roommate in a weird, overly involved relationship, where the roomie is only one who knows how to buy toilet paper or owns bath towels.

Marshall faces himself in the bathroom mirror. He's dressing for an interview and giving himself the old Stuart Smalley, which Al Franken wore out on SNL years ago. Before each interview, the pep talk gets a little more pathetic. He starts with: "You are confident. You are energetic. You are focused." After several interviews, that changes to, "You are flexible on salary. You're willing to compromise. You're not going to cry this time." After too many interviews, he says, "You are sad. You are beaten down. You will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants, and take a nap." Hey Marshall, I'll try to hook you up at TWoP. It's all underpants, all the time, baby.

At MacLaren's, Wendy informs the gang that there's a new cook on staff and he makes amazing burgers. Without asking her tablemates, Robin says they'll take five of those. Ted questions whether or not they want to eat there, which seems a little rude in front of Wendy. Robin's freaking starving because she just finished a seven-day cleanse. Marshall, who by now has had enough experience with women to know better, notes that she just started it yesterday. Robin sneers, "I finished early, okay?" and goes on to again order burgers for everyone, still unconcerned about what the others want, because she's more important. Hey Robin, nobody is trying to get you into bed in this episode, so the princess routine may wear out quickly. Ted, complicating things because that's his gift, ignores Robin and suggests they go out for sushi. That gets shot down, as does the Italian that Barney suggests, and the Chinese, Indian, and Mexican that Ted suggest, which Barney dismisses in an ethno-centric way. (They're all spicy, with a side of rice.) Apparently, that's okay, because he's Barney and he's supposed to be obnoxious. Robin is pissed because they always spend an hour arguing about where to eat and then they end up eating right there. She hasn't eaten in two days. She takes a knife, stabs them all, and downs their livers with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Marshall would have been atop the menu when she was doing Atkins, but he's a little too fatty for her new regimen. Barney's too chewy. There's not enough meat on Lily. It turns out Ted was just right for her after all.

After the intro, everyone's got their food but poor, starving Robin. Hers will be right out. They love the burgers and seem to be taunting Robin with their enjoyment -- everyone but Marshall, that is. "When you've had the best burger in New York City, every other burger tastes like my grandpa's feet. But you guys eat up. Enjoy...my grandpa's feet." Sushi's sounding better and better. Robin is not familiar with the burger story, so Marshall fills her in. Eight years ago, he and Ted had just moved to the city, and he was afraid to leave the apartment. Ted finally forced him out, and to his wonder and surprise, he loved New York and didn't find it scary at all. Just as he started to get hungry, he found the tiniest burger joint, tucked between a taxidermist and a triple X bookstore. At that, Barney does his best Carnac the Magnificent, holds his napkin to his head like a hermetically sealed envelope and says, "Named two places where things get stuffed." Marshall continues his story, but Barney upstages him by ripping the edge off the napkin and blowing into it, just like Carson used to do with the envelope. In a sub-par episode like this one, it would probably serve them well not to remind us of someone as funny as Carson.

Flashback to the year 2000 and Marshall is served the burger. We get extremely gross close ups of Jason Segal chewing. If Stella were in this episode, I'd get her to check out those moles, stat. We see him gaze up in appreciation and he catches site of celebrity photos on the wall, including one of Regis Philbin. Okay, "celebrity" photos. Marshall runs back to his apartment and startles a sleeping Ted who whacks him over the head with the baseball bat Marshall had been using for protection when he was afraid to be in New York. After he recovers, he proselytizes to Ted about the burger joint and they rush back out into the night, but never find it. They're so unfamiliar with the city that it takes three hours and assistance from a very helpful drag queen to find their apartment. Marshall says, "Wait, Bette Noire was a drag queen?" Bête noire. Get it? Had she only dumped them at a joke store, where they could have picked up something funny to distract the audience. Robin says, "Where do you think it was?" and Lily replies, "Probably tucked between her legs." You can almost hear the writers. "This episode isn't funny enough. I think it should be funnier. Where's the emergency joke list? 'Drag Queens'? Check. 'Penis jokes'. Quick, make a penis joke. Have one of the girls make it. That will be shocking." Ugh. Barney reminds the crew that getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank is not a drag. Lily looks at him funny and Marshall warns him off with his eyes as if to say, "Don't give away the surprise ending where you find me a job at Goliath National Bank." It's sad when I'm laughing the hardest at the coincidence of this episode airing the day the world ran out of money. Wait 'til tomorrow, Barney.

Marshall's still mourning the fact that he never again found his burger joint. Another MacLaren's customer pops over the back of his booth and tells him that the place he's looking for is The Corner Bistro. Marshall is almost as annoyed by him as the audience is by this episode. "Oh, oh, The Corner Bistro. Ha! It's amazing. I spent a quarter of my life searching for the best burger in New York City, but silly me, it never occurred to me to check the highest rated burger in the Zagat Guide. Wow. Thanks a lot, guy. Let me return the favor. For a great cup of coffee? Starbucks. Shhhh." That was... bracing. Marshall's generally adorable even when he's angry, but not this time. Marshall's tried every burger place in the whole city. We see snippets of him and Lily at different restaurants, with a picture of Regis prominently displayed over each table, but they're never the one. It's just like Ted's search for a wife.

Ted reminds him that there was the one time they thought they had a break in the case. Regis and Barney worked out at the same gym, so the guys all went down to ask him if he remembered the burger joint. Flashback to the gym: Regis stops lifting to wax rhapsodic about the burger, but he can't remember the name of the place either, and he's angry about it. I wouldn't think he'd have much of an appetite left after chewing all that scenery. Regis gets rough with Barney, saying, "Daddy needs his meat!" Ew. Mommy just lost her appetite. Great. Now the outline of Regis's man-boobs through that too-tight t-shirt is becoming clear. Quick, someone tell Robin I just found a five-second cleanse. Reeeeeg gives Barney his cell phone number and strict orders to contact him if they ever find the restaurant, and the guys run off, because, clearly, the cleanse is working on them, too. Since the writers ran out of jokes this week, let's try some knock-knocks.

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada hamburger. Yum yum. You want one?

Back at MacLaren's, Robin responds to Marshall's description of the restaurant. "Green door? Red neon sign that says 'Burger'?" She knows the place. She's walked by it more times than the financial industry has outsourced jobs and then come looking to the American public for a handout. It's on West 12th, right off of 7th. Marshall proclaims he knew it was on a numbered street (don't worry, I have kids, so I have more knock-knocks coming soon) just as Wendy delivers Robin's burger. Marshall grabs it from her, throws it to the ground and declares they're going to have the best burger in New York and that they're going downtown. Robin lets out a little cry, but fails to take a bite out of any of the burgers the gang is abandoning at MacLaren's, or Marshall's hand. It's called survival instinct, Robin. Look it up if you're not too weak. I hope Wendy will put this on their tab, because nobody bothers to pay the bill.

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup, who?
Catch up before you get left behind!

In a Ranjit-less cab, Marshall declares he's going to have this burger. Lily is excited for him, because after all the disappointing interviews, he deserves a triumphant mouthful of meat. Hey writers, are the cute-girl-makes-a-penis-joke bit and the cute-girl-makes-an-oral-sex-joke bit two separate items on your checklist? Should they be? Barney picks up on the word mouthful, but not to make a penis joke, because that's so not the new, improved Barney. No, instead, he continues to pimp Goliath National Bank. Lily says working for a bank is kind of lame. She must be tapping into some of Willow's major mojo and reading the auguries, or you know, watching the news.

Ted reminds Barney to call Regis. Really? Really. Okay. Barney's scared of Regis, so he just sends him a text, instead. On the set of Million Dollar Heads or Tails, heh, Regis interviews a contestant. He's about to ask the $258,000 question when the text arrives and he dashes off -- like Regis Philbin ever ran away from a camera in his life. Outside the restaurant on West 12th (right off of 7th) we see the green door and red neon 'Burger' sign. Marshall tries to make a speech, but Robin threatens to eat his hand. Atta girl. Inside, everyone has their burgers except for Robin. Hers will be right out. At this point, wouldn't you give Robin your burger, if not out of empathy, than just to shut her up? She begrudgingly insists they start eating without her. Everyone is impressed by the burgers, except Marshall, who says this isn't it, and causes an uproar. Ted asks if it could be the same burger, but just can't live up to his ridiculously high expectations, you know, like Ted used to have for a wife, before he decided to marry a woman he doesn't even know. Robin reminds Marshall that it's just a burger, and Marshall turns into a poet, or as the people in the forums noted, Salieri from Amadeus, as he describes the spiritual ecstasy brought on by that burger. He tries to play it off that this isn't the right place with a red neon sign and a green door. He's clearly cracking up now though as leaves the group to go outside.

By Cindy McLennan

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup, who?
Catch up before you get left behind!

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No. Owls go 'Who?' Cows go 'Moo'.

In the cab, Barney gets a call from an angry -- still -- Regis, wondering where he is. Barney gives him the address of the restaurant uptown. Regis Hulk-Smashes a newspaper vending machine, then gives Barney his burger order. Marshall yells for the driver to stop the cab. Walking down the street, he recognizes his surroundings from eight years ago. He sees the same guy handing out the same hot pink sheets of paper, advertising the same girls taking off their clothes. Rounding the corner, Marshall says, "This is it," and comes face to face with what he's been waiting for... a Goliath Bank ATM. The background music stops and Barney adds, "One of 9,000 convenient locations." Robin doesn't understand, and wants to know where the burger place is. Ted explains that the GNB ATM has replaced Marshall's Meat Mecca. Robin says that's fine, they'll just eat there. Ted tries to explain that they can't eat at an ATM, but Robin's too delusional with hunger to understand. Isn't hunger so funny?

Lily starts wailing the crap out of Barney. She beats on his right arm with both fists. "This is your fault! You and your stupid bank! You did this!" She stomps on his foot with her dangerous-looking boots, causing him pain, but everyone else is too wrapped up in themselves to even notice. As was pointed out in the forums, the characters could have walked out of Seinfeld this week, but not in the funny way. Lily continues her rant. "I will never use a Goliath ATM, ever again!" Easy to say when the banks are all out of money. "Goliath National Bank sucks! It's the worst bank on the face of the earth! ATTENTION NEW YORKERS: This bank sucks! They suck! They suck!"

Barney shouts over her. "Marshall, will you just tell her, already." Marshall says he got a job at Goliath National Bank, which is why Barney was pimping it so hard -- to get Lily excited. Aren't you surprised? When Lily reminds him he wants to be an environmental lawyer, Marshall says, "Yeah, you know, I also want to be a Harlem Globe Trotter and get paid in candy." Not burgers? He says the job is a good one with good pay and benefits, and he's just excited to have to put on pants again. I'm sure the people in his expanded radius agree. Lily and Marshall hug, but nowhere in there is an apology to Barney for beating the crap out of him, or a thank you for getting Marshall a job. Nice. Meanwhile, Robin rescues an unopened bag of barbeque chips from the trash, and wants to eat it, but Ted confiscates it. Good move, Ted. If you two were ever to get back together, it would be hard to kiss her knowing she'd eaten something out of a New York City trash bin.

Marshall takes us all through his psychological journey about associating the burger with his youth and endless possibilities and that he needed one last taste of all of that, before he had to grow up and go off and work for the bank. Yada yada yada. Just then, the porn show promoter comes around the corner and offers to tell the gang where the restaurant has moved to, for just 100 bucks. Kiss my ass and take me to McDonald's. Even Robin, who's now licking the glue off the deposit envelopes, agrees. The gang grumbles that they're out of cash, and Barney points out the obvious as a choir sings the end of the Goliath National bank jingle. Again, Barney adds, "Member FDIC," because the writers decided if it worked once, it ought to work again. Which reminds me...

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the bank will land you in jail.

Twenty minutes later, the gang is sitting down to their burgers in the right place. Even Robin has one this time. Ted tries to prepare Marshall for disappointment, but it's unnecessary. The burger is awesome. Everyone is relieved, particularly Robin, I'd imagine. Saget!Ted tells us that Marshall got up the morning, put on pants and went to work, and he never looked back.

End tag: Everyone's moaning with pleasure over their burgers. Robin says, "Oh my God. I just want you inside of me." The writers say, "Sexual innuendo? No, in you endo. Check!" Barney rips off a joke from 30 Rock about getting his food pregnant, and Marshall calls dibs on the baby burgers. Cut to a disappointed Regis: "This isn't it!" Everyone else is outraged. Regis starts to leave, but he's still chewing and says, "Wait, this is it. Yeah!" Everyone cheers, except the audience, who wonders why nobody on the production staff realized it would have been funnier if Regis had left, disgusted. We're all out of show, and there's a gag vanity tag for "Goliath National Bank," which might be the funniest bit of a less than stellar outing. Let's hope they get their stuff together week. I'm running out of knock-knock jokes. Okay, okay, one more:

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Rufus.
Rufus who?
Rufus falling in on the banking industry. Put your money under your mattress.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then read our celebration of the MacLaren Gang's favorite words in How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage!

By Cindy McLennan

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the bank will land you in jail.

By Cindy McLennan

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Rufus.
Rufus who?
Rufus falling in on the banking industry. Put your money under your mattress.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then read our celebration of the MacLaren Gang's favorite words in How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage!

Cindy McLennan is no more worried about the banking industry than she is tired of typing burger. You can e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. She'll be glad to send you her home address where you can mail her all your cash for safe keeping.