You're Risking a Doctor's Life!

S08E23

The patient of the week is a heroin addict who might have an ulcer or Lou Gehrig's Disease, but really inhaled a branch. He gets very little attention, because (as even House admits) nobody cares about the medical details. More attention is given to House trying to get out of going to jail for flushing those season tickets down the drain, but no one will help him.

But the real drama comes from House, alone in a burning building with a corpse, talking to figments of his imagination that include Kutner, CTB, and Stacy. We never learn just how the building caught on fire, but it probably has something to do with House being out of his mind on heroin. Anyway, he burns to death and there are some very touching eulogies.

And then he's not really dead, so he and Wilson go and ride motorcycles for a few months until Wilson presumably dies. The end!

"We start the final episode on House's face, passed out on the floor." I know that's how it starts because they read it out in the wrap-up show just before the finale. Hey, if they're going to describe the episode, I'm entitled to transcribe their description and call it a recap.

Anyway, that's how it starts. He opens his eyes and looks around. He's in a dingy room of some sort. A few feet away from him, someone else is lying on his back. And a third person tells House that the man is dead. House recognizes him as Dr. Lawrence Kutner, whom you may remember killed himself. House says, "You're dead, too." Kutner answers, "The fire isn't." Oh, there's a fire below the floorboards.

After the credits, Kutner suggests that House get up and go for the exit. House figures he's hallucinating anyway, so who knows what's really going on? He would like to figure out why he's hallucinating Kutner instead of someone "more busty." Kutner asks who the dead guy is. And we transition to an unknown period of time earlier.

Mystery Corpse is in House's clinic hours, saying he was in a car accident and needs painkillers. He has a facial injury, but House guesses he didn't have a chest injury. And the fact that he claimed to have a codeine allergy means that he was after extremely heavy drugs. House is about to send him on his way when he spots bruising around his navel.

Outer office. Remember, Chase isn't here anymore. Adams and Park are baffled at the idea of House taking a new case voluntarily. Taub thinks the really weird thing is that House is in a good mood even though Wilson's dying and the parole officer is coming soon. Then everybody starts throwing around diagnoses, but they're literally just saying "blah blah blah."

Cut back to House and Kutner. House, who's telling this story, says no one cares about the medicine. It was an ulcer. Kutner asks why House didn't tell the team his plan. His theory is that he knew the plan wouldn't work.

House wants a meeting with Foreman. Foreman's busy trying to make an end table stop wobbling. House wants Foreman to tell the parole board that House is needed at the hospital so he can save eight patients simultaneously. He encourages Foreman to dock his pay or something. Foreman wants him to go to jail for six months. House asks Foreman to be a friend. Foreman says, "Okay. But whatever cases you have, you have to take them all." House stares.

Now Kutner is in PPTH. What's going on here? I accept that Kutner is a hallucination and that House was telling this story to him, but now the hallucination is inside the story, and it's all getting confusing. I think they just didn't want to keep going back to that dingy room. Anyway, this Kutner is the same one as the one in the dingy room, which means that it's a hallucination that House is talking to. Kutner lightly mocks House for that "Be a friend" routine. Why did he say that? Kutner guesses that he knew he'd need a friend. And he's still wondering why House is sitting on the floor instead of heading for the door.

By Montykins

Back to the dingy room. "I guess we figured out why you're seeing me. Your suicidal friend." House stares.

Wilson in a session with his replacement, telling him how often his patients will contact him. Foreman enters and asks where House is, but Wilson claims he doesn't care. Hey, you can't have a show from House's point of view and then cut away to a scene without House in it. That means this is probably happening at the same time that House is in a burning building, not when House is treating that patient. They agree that House is probably out doing something stupid.

Kutner asks House why he wants to kill himself. House explains that he's going to jail, losing his job and losing his best friend. Kutner asks if that's the sum total of his existence. "Even with your subconscious you're evasive." Kutner tells House that death is the opposite of a cool puzzle. But House doesn't find life interesting anymore. Just then! CTB appears! Hey, I just saw her in a slow-motion bus accident in the wrap-up show! House sullenly asks to have Kutner back, but I guess Kal Penn's done. Thanks for coming in, Kal! CTB asks what happened with the patient. House asks why, and she says that the fact that House and House's subconscious are obsessing about it must mean it's relevant to him sitting in a burning building.

BEEP BEEP BEEP! The team is gathered around the patient! House blandly injects the patient with something, and he counts down five seconds until the patient freaks out at them. CTB laughs at this story because House is lying to her, even though she's his unconscious. We see that House actually sat by the patient's bedside. The patient wakes and tells him he's not going to stop doing drugs. He says he's not miserable ever since he got some heroin, which is better than painkillers. House looks quite affected by the description of how awesome it is to take heroin. (KIDS: Don't take heroin!)

CTB tells House he wasn't really worried, because his plan didn't matter. His backup plan didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the puzzle.

House tells the patient that he's dying because his thumb is shaky. He's got Lou Gehrig's disease! The patient seems to accept that. Then House says he's not symmetrical, and CTB pounces on a continuity error where House teleported to the other side of the room. House says he just skipped some boring stuff (man, I know the feeling!) but CTB thinks he's avoiding something. House returns to his story. He spots that the patient's veins aren't symmetrical, so he drags a machine over to his bed. I believe it's an ultrasound. The new thing is that the patient inhaled a small branch, which a non-junkie would have coughed up. And it caused an autoimmune problem.

Dingy room. CTB catches House smiling. She recommends he let Wilson die, grieve for a bit, then get back to having fun solving puzzles. He thinks it's a waste of time since everybody dies. She tells him to go home. House gets up and picks up his cane. He walks down the hallway to the exit. Unfortunately, the room on the other side of the exit door is on fire.

Wilson and Foreman in House's room. Wilson says that House would never leave Chinese food rotting in his living room. Foreman says the suitcases are still there. A call comes in on House's cell, reporting that House no-showed a hooker two nights ago. They check the outgoing calls. They include hooker, Chinese food, Wilson and Mystery Number!

House hobbles around, and the floor makes noises like it's close to collapse. Then it collapses! House falls about twenty feet to the lower floor, which cannot be good for his leg. He looks around with what looks like Epiphany Face.

Foreman and Wilson bust into Andre Braugher's office to tell him that House is missing. He doesn't want to tell them where he is, but they think he's a danger to himself. He admits that there are other ways to reach oblivion. Foreman and Wilson dismiss the idea of Vicodin overdose because that should be impossible by this point. But then they remember that House's last patient was a heroin addict. Andre Braugher figures they're done here. I've just looked it up, and Andre Braugher was playing Dr. Nolan. Anyway, Wilson says they need to get to the patient's home.

Now a woman on a chair is looking at House, asking him about God. I don't recognize her at all, but after some research, I can report that this is Stacy, who was House's girlfriend back in the first two seasons. House dismisses the idea that falling through the floor was a sign. He denies having even thought of that, although he admits that part of his brain is currently talking about it. Stacy says, "I lived with you for years, I know you believed in love."

House and Wilson in the cafe. House wants Wilson to take the fall for flushing the season tickets. Because he's got cancer and he'll get off. Wilson would prefer not to spend his final months in jail. Or in endless hearings. House tells him he doesn't want to lose this time with him. Wilson nods. I think House might be a little disappointed as he says thanks. As House walks away, Wilson changes his mind and says he won't take the fall. House asks him not to do this to him. Man, what a jerk. Wilson says House needs to learn to live without Wilson to bail him out. House doesn't want to learn the lesson that he'll always be alone. Wilson says he needs to do this for House. House looks sad.

Stacy says that Wilson was right because he's always been House's good side. House parries with a lame pun about being photographed poorly. She says that House has never developed a conscience. And that he'll be better off without Wilson. She stands and offers him her hand. He stands up. The camera swoops around and we move from the fiery building to a pleasant house where, um, House and Stacy live together with a baby. House says this could never happen because Stacy is married and Cuddy is gone. He says it's just a fantasy and lies back down. Stacy tells him to get up because he doesn't have to die in here.

Back to the inferno, House wonders if Hell is just an endless succession of people trying to convince him to live. Dr. Cameron (you remember her) shows up and asks who said she was trying to convince him to live.

House is surprised that Cameron hates him. She says she loves him. But she still wants him to die as a reward for all that suffering. Weird. She thinks he deserves a chance to give up. House says, "Like Wilson did." Cameron says he accepted Wilson's decision to die.

Foreman and Wilson get to a vacant lot that the patient gave as his address. Then they smell smoke. They see a burning building and run toward it because obviously House is going to be inside. Just look around for the worst possible place, and that's clearly where House is.

House and Cameron are lying on the floor. She tells him to go to sleep. He says he had a chance to avoid this. She says he had many chances and blew them all up. Then she starts telling him how he's arrogant and self-destructive. House goes back to the chunk of conversation he skipped over with the patient. It starts with House telling the patient he'll be dead very soon. The patient offers to take the fall for House's prank. He wants to thank House for trying to save him. Just fake the records and show him coming into the clinic the week and he'll say he got treated like crap and flushed the tickets. House thanks him and walks around him. He says the patient is doing this because he's dying. He's a better person dying that he ever was living, which means that House did the world a favor by not saving him. But then House tells him he's not symmetrical. Cameron cuts in and accuses House of taking the coward's way out by lying there and letting the fire kill him. And he's too cowardly to admit that he's taking the coward's way out.

Fire-filled room. House says, "You're right. But I can change." He gets to his feet. There are flames everywhere. He starts to walk toward the door. Outside, Wilson and Foreman arrive. They see him through the window. He sees them. A giant roof beam falls in front of him. Wilson starts to run toward the building, but Foreman stops him. There's a big explosion of fire. House is no longer visible in the building. Wilson swallows.

The day, the building is all burnt up. Adams says House could have gotten out. Park says people are found sometimes. Taub says they're bringing a body out. They are indeed. Wilson and Foreman are also there. The body is in a body bag, so we don't see who's in it.

Foreman and Wilson in the hallway outside the morgue. Foreman says, "The coroner confirms it's him."

Urn. Funeral. Eulogies. Park says House hired her when no one else would. Adams says he got her fired. Masters says he gave her the courage to quit. House's mother says he was a good son. Cuddy says she never stopped loving him. Russian Wife says she couldn't help but love him. Foreman says he was House's boss and employee. Taub says House made him a better parent. Thirteen says he was willing to kill her. Chase says he wasn't always easy to deal with. Cameron says he knew how to love.

Wilson: "He was my friend. The thing you have to remember. The thing you can't forget is that Gregory House saved lives. He was a healer. And in the end... House was an ass. He mocked anyone. Patients, coworkers, his dwindling friends, anyone who didn't measure up to his insane ideals of integrity. He claimed to be on some heroic quest for truth. But the truth is he was a bitter jerk who liked making people miserable. And he proved that by dying selfishly, numbed by narcotics, without a thought of anyone. A betrayal of everyone who cared about him." A phone starts ringing. "Phone. A million times he needed me and the one time I needed him --" The phone keeps ringing. "Oh, come on. This is a funeral. Just get it!" The phone continues. It's Wilson's. "This is embarrassing. Could have sworn I turned this off." He takes out his phone and looks at it. "This isn't my phone."

It says "INCOMING TEXT: SHUT UP YOU IDIOT".

Wilson's face goes through some changes.

Wilson pulls up to La Scala. He looks across the street in shock to see House sitting on the stairs. House says "Hi." Wilson is baffled. House explains that he got out the back of the building and switched his dental records. Wilson says House is destroying his entire life and can't go back. He can never be a doctor again! "I'm dead, Wilson. How do you wanna spend your last five months?"

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Foreman and Wilson in the hallway outside the morgue. Foreman says, "The coroner confirms it's him."

By Montykins

It says "INCOMING TEXT: SHUT UP YOU IDIOT".

Wilson's face goes through some changes.

Wilson smiles and nods.

Chase, Park and Adams are in the outer office. Park and Adams go off to do work while Chase goes into House's inner office, now labeled "Robert Chase, M.D." He's still got House's ball in there.

Taub has a complicated meal with his two daughters and their mothers. He looks pensive.

Cameron is at work and looks at a picture of her, Chase, House and Foreman from the early days. She looks up and goes over to play with her baby and husband.

Foreman sits in his office. His end table is still wobbly. One of the legs was stuck on House's ID card, which he seems to find interesting. He smiles and sits back.

House is outside in the sun. He gets on his motorcycle. Wilson has one too! Wilson wants to talk about what to do when the cancer gets really bad, and House tells him that cancer is boring. They start their motorcycles and drive off. The music is "Enjoy Yourself (It's Later Than You Think)."

...So that's it, then. Hugh Laurie can now go off and shave. I bet he kept the motorcycle.

Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.