Safe

Our Patient of the Week is an immunocompromised teenage girl whose supposedly overprotective mother won't let her outside, which makes a lot of sense once we find out that, the last time she did, the girl ate a cookie and had an allergic-reaction comedy of errors that ended with her getting a heart transplant. Thus, the immunocompromisedness. It doesn't stop the girl's boyfriend from paying her a visit, though, which leads to a mysterious allergic reaction no one can figure out the cause of. Then her heart starts to fail, and no one can figure that out, either. And then her body slowly becomes paralyzed and she's twenty minutes away from dying and still, no one can figure out what's wrong with her. The parents decide to cut their losses, run away from crazy useless Dr. House, and put their daughter under the care of the even more useless Cuddy and Wilson. Of course, House figures out that his patient is suffering from a now-standard case of Sex Punishmentitis as soon as he doesn't have the power to do anything about it and his credibility with the parents and Cuddy has been shot. That's why he has to trap her dying body in an elevator to be able to freely rifle around in her vagina, looking for the tick he's sure was introduced to it when her boyfriend shoved his pants up there while they were losing their virginity to each other in what must have also been a comedy of errors. Lo and behold, House finds it just in time to save her life. Meanwhile, Cameron sasses everyone, Foreman vainly tries to find someone who will listen to his story about a childhood illness, and Wilson pisses on House's couch.