Hunting

Either Fox started House just a little too early, or someone took the term in medias res very seriously as we begin at the House house, where Wilson is mid-word lecturing House for last week's little file-pilfering escapade. Wilson is so appalled at his friend's completely typical behavior that he withdraws his offer to give him a ride to work, not that House wanted to ride in Wilson's grandpa car anyway when he's got that sweet motorcycle. Wilson's anger at House fades slightly when he gets to read some of the juicier therapy notes and join in the busybody fun. House claims that Stacy is obsessed with him, as evidenced by the fact that she calls him an "annoying jerk." That's where I would have returned the files having learned the lesson about not reading things that weren't meant for me to read, but not House! He points out the most important part of the file: Stacy is having problems with Mark, who she believes resents her for being able to walk. They haven't had sex in months. Wilson, who was all up in arms at House's invasion of Stacy's privacy just a few seconds ago, raises his eyebrows in shock and just a little bit of delight at knowing stuff he shouldn't.

House and Wilson move outside, where we see that House's address is 221B, which was, of course, Sherlock Holmes's house number as well. Very clever, writers. It still doesn't make up for all the Cameron storylines, though, so don't go getting all big-headed about it. House complains that Stacy's sexual frustration is the reason she's "doc-blocking" him with all the paperwork and stuff she keeps forcing him to do. Wilson points out that House now has the proof he needs to get rid of Stacy, except that it's in the form of confidential patient records House stole from another employee's locked file cabinet. Somehow, Wilson doubts Cuddy will take kindly to that. Because Wilson isn't saying anything House wants to hear, House ignores him...

...and notes that his newspaper is missing. That's because it's been stolen by a guy House introduces to Wilson as his own personal stalker. Wilson can't believe someone else got to that position first, but this guy's interest in House is purely professional: he wants House to treat him. He seems to think that accusing Wilson of being House's "closet case" will endear him to House. It endears him to many of House's fans, though, I'm sure. But not all, as I'm sure the guy who keeps emailing me and telling me to stop implying that Wilson and House are gay would want you to know. Wilson stammers out a denial of the obvious facts while House just grabs his newspaper back and tries to leave. The guy says he's seen tons of doctors and that no one has been able to help him. House is his last chance. House graciously gives him an instadiagnosis (0% success rate) of full-blown AIDS. The guy says his problem isn't related to that: he's already had his immune system checked out. But House has spoken, and shall speak no more. Desperately, the guy grabs the end of House's cane, thinking that, like those homosexuality allegations, will really inspire House to do him a favor. Seriously, guy, you need to take a class on the proper ways to motivate people. A cane tug-of-war ensues between a man with full-blown AIDS and a cripple that mercifully ends before a mentally retarded man, a victim of severe chemical burns, and the entire cast and crew of 7th Heaven can join in and make this a truly pathetic tableau when House suddenly releases the cane, sending the guy flying backwards into Wilson's parked car. Wilson's car alarm goes off, but it's the guy who's looking the worse for wear here, as he gasps for air and collapses on the ground. In lieu of treatment, House offers excuses that he didn't touch the guy. Wilson actually acts like a medical professional and tends to the guy, who is going into anaphylactic shock. Well, at least House didn't give the guy a stroke this time.

Someone unwisely let House into the hospital pharmacy with only Wilson to supervise him. House isn't looking for the elusive Super Vicodin he's heard tell of, but for some blood thinners to give to Stacy's rat. "Death by anti-coagulation," House says triumphantly. Because that's more humane than, say, a rat trap. And there's no other way to poison a rat except to raid a hospital pharmacy. Wilson doubts that a dead rat will send Stacy running into House's waiting arms, but House says that all he's trying to do is get Stacy to admit her feelings for him so that he can go to Cuddy with it and get Stacy fired or re-assigned and therefore out of his hair. Hey, that would have a been a lot easier if he had just said no to Stacy working there in the first place when it came up last season, wouldn't it? This makes about as much sense as thinking that murdering a rat will make you look sexy enough to get someone fired. Or that there's anything anyone can do to thaw Stacy the Ice Queen. House then calls Stacy's exterminator and pretends to be Mark. He cancels the exterminator, saying they no longer need his services. They can send the bill to James Wilson at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Apparently, you can just randomly assign other people to pay your bills for you! How wonderful! Excuse me while I tell my landlord she can get all my future rent payments from the guy who works at the car wash down the street.

Chase and Cameron check out their new patient. Their new patient checks out Chase. "He's too pretty to be straight," he pronounces. Now, I know Chase might seem effeminate, Kalvin, but he's actually just Australian. When he doesn't get the reaction he wants out of Chase, Kalvin moves onto Cameron and makes fun of how her busy doctor workload must leave her no time for dating. I assume my "Cameron's talking about her Poor Dead Husband" cringe, but shockingly, Cameron just shrugs it off. That's almost a shame, because it would have been really funny if Cameron had busted out with an "actually, I did used to date -- before I met my husband WHO DIED THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP," and then we got to see Kalvin's resulting "whoops! Foot in mouth!" expression, but Cameron just asks Kalvin for a family history. He says that his mother died from diabetes, and that the last time Kalvin saw him, his father had cirrhosis. But Kalvin would much rather talk about Cameron, and how she's confusing a satisfying job with a satisfying love life. "I have fun," Cameron insists. "Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February," Chase says. Cameron throws Chase a hurt look as Chase asks Kalvin to elaborate on his relationship with his father. Kalvin says that his dad threw him out when he was sixteen, implying that it was because his father couldn't handle having a gay son. "Dads can be real sweethearts," Chase says. "Sensitive and cute!" Kalvin sighs. "He's cute," Cameron says, reserving the sensitive part for people who don't mock Fun February.

Welcome to Stacy's attic. How can House just travel back and forth between Stacy's house and PPTH, anyway? Doesn't she live two hours away? It could just be a temporary home near PPTH for Mark's recovery, but it looks a little too lived-in for that, and House seems to know his way around the place pretty well. Stacy points out the rat's last known location, and House starts talking about how angry Mark probably is at Stacy. "He resents you for being able to walk," House says. "Been there." Yeah, earlier this morning when you read it in Stacy's therapist's files. House says he resented Stacy for a long time. Stacy asks if his use of the past tense was intentional. House's phone rings before he can answer her and they can make a Deep Connection.

The Cottages are on the other line. Stacy leaves the room so that House can talk and because they didn't want to pay Sela Ward extra for her to stick around in this scene when they didn't have to. Via speakerphone, the Cottages report that they couldn't see anything on Kalvin's chest x-rays, due to scarring from cigarettes and whatever else Kalvin has been smoking lately, if his tox screen results are anything to go by. House whispers that they should treat Kalvin for his most recent infections. Because no one else will do it, Foreman asks House why he's whispering all of the sudden. House says he's "in the closet," hiding from Foreman's girlfriend's other boyfriend. Add Rosie the Nosy Neighbor and her spatula and you've got yourself one R. Kelly urban opera! Of course, House isn't actually doing anything with Foreman's girlfriend (since that would indicate that Foreman had a personal life), but is staring at Stacy's rat, who has come out to play. House hangs up the phone for "killin' time," and stares down his opponent as he slowly reaches for his cane, apparently having decided that it's a more effective murder weapon than blood thinners would be. Then the rat tilts his head so that it's about a ninety-degree angle from the rest of his spine and the CGI department almost pulls the effect off. House tilts his head, too, but from intrigue as opposed to a Mysterious Disease.

And it's time for a lecture from Cameron: the anti-drug. She informs Kalvin that using meth and ecstasy isn't the best thing for one's health, but Kalvin doesn't really care. He explains that he's a "PNP boy," a.k.a. Party and Play, a.k.a. Drugs and Sex. I'm only familiar with the term because I accidentally took a very wrong turn on CraigsList once. Cameron asks if the P, (a.k.a. Play, a.k.a. Sex) is safe. Kalvin says it is if his partner is negative, but no one bothers if they're both positive, which is stupid because, as Cameron says, you could get a different strain of HIV or any of the other fun diseases that are sexually transmitted. Kalvin says he doesn't want to have any regrets, because getting hepatitis is apparently something you look back on fondly, and then hacks away. He's been coughing for the last hour, although the blood in his mucus is a brand-new thing, just for Cameron's benefit! Cameron goes to put on some latex gloves, although she probably should have started with something to protect her face, because that's where Kalvin's blood cough lands. Cameron is startled, but not enough to do something silly like move out of the line of fire, so Kalvin cough again and even more blood splatters across Cameron's face. She's still standing there when we go to commercial, apparently waiting for Kalvin just to walk up and inject some of his blood directly into an artery. I mean, honestly, Cameron, I know that fear can sometimes render us immobile, but you're a DOCTOR and should be somewhat accustomed to and well-practiced in avoiding patients' bodily fluids. When I worked in the lab, I sometimes had to handle blood that was known to be infected with HIV, and you can damn well bet I took all the safety precautions, the first one being, of course, trying to get a co-worker to do the job instead of me. I may be selfish, but I'm not stupid!

At some point during the commercial break, Cameron was able to destatuefy herself and get down to the Employee Health Clinic, where some guy is giving her the standard HIV post-exposure prophylaxis and an explanation of their possible side effects, none of which sound fun. Cameron zones out for this, so hopefully she already knows everything the guy is saying to her. Or maybe this is what she did during the part of her employee orientation where they explained proper safety protocols for dealing with known HIV positive patients, which no doubt included safety glasses and keeping one's mouth closed so as to prevent flying blood droplets from entering it. Whoops!

House's reaction to Cameron's recent problems is a typical apparent refusal to care about his employee while finding his patient's newest symptoms very interesting. Foreman and Chase have the manners and general concern for their fellow man to be upset on Cameron's behalf and annoyed at House's blas attitude toward it. (The fact that it could have been either of them who got exposed instead no doubt plays a part in their sensitivity to Cameron's predicament.) Since House doesn't have to worry about being exposed to anything his patients have because he's rarely exposed to the patients themselves, he lacks that kind of emotional investment. All business, House wants to know what caused the blood vessel to rupture in Kalvin's lung, which is what caused the bloody cough. Whatever it is, it proves House was wrong about the autoimmune thing, so they are now without a diagnosis for Kalvin. Foreman is still stuck on Cameron and his personal outrage that House is indifferent toward her, to which House says that his feelings won't change Cameron's situation, so he'd rather focus on something the outcome of which he might be able to affect. Foreman and Chase spit out a few wrong theories as to what's ailing Kalvin...

...and then Cameron walks in, wearing some AIDS-blood-free scrubs that she wasn't wearing during her meeting with that infection-control guy. I hope they cleaned the place up after Cameron smeared her bloodstained clothes all over it! Way to control infection, there, infection control department! It's things like that that cause epidemics in the maternity ward and kill upwards of one baby a season! Why is Cuddy always on House's ass when she's still got these idiots working for her? Ever the compassionate creep, Chase puts a reassuring hand on Cameron's shoulder (he was aiming for her boob, I'm sure) and tells her to go home for the day, but Cameron insists that she's fine. House basks in the awkward interpersonal dynamics. Cameron says that they should focus on Kalvin's admitted crystal meth usage, which annoys House greatly, seeing as Kalvin was concerned enough about his health to stalk the world's foremost infectious-disease diagnostician, but not enough to stop using deadly street drugs. Then House gobbles down a handful of Vicodins and washes them down with a glass of hypocrisy juice. Surprise Meth Lab Expert Cameron says that Kalvin's meth could have been cut with all sorts of awful things, like battery acid or lye. We all know that when it comes to meth cooks, EVERYBODY LYES, so House sends Cameron and Chase off to find Kalvin's stash and have it tested. As for Foreman, House needs him for something else.

Conveniently leaving an important detail like the patient's species out of it, House explains that he's got a patient with a neck tilt. The patient is known to run a lot, but hasn't complained of any pain associated with the neck tilt. House neglects to mention that this is because his patient lacks the power of speech. Because he's a rat. And also that said rat is actually a female, as evidenced by the noticeable lack of balls that we can thank our increasingly Puritan decency standards for. They blurred out a dog's bits on a show about dog grooming I was watching on Animal Planet the other day. The thing about animal genitalia, as opposed to people genitalia, is that we don't mentally associate it with sex. By blurring it, we are either assuming that association is there or creating it where it isn't, which makes me a lot more uncomfortable than just seeing the stupid dog balls in the first place. Anyway, Foreman says that House's patient could have a lung problem or a brain-stem tumor. Well, I don't understand why we have veterinarians when people doctors are apparently just as good in a pinch, or vice versa. And now I shall go to a vet for my yearly physical and save a couple of dollars.

Cameron and Chase search through Kalvin's big gay bachelor pad. Chase offers to take Cameron out after work for a drink to take her mind off of that whole AIDS-exposure thing. She turns him down, saying that one drink won't really do much for her considering that she might have HIV. Chase assures her that the chances of that are very small, "like zero." "Big difference between 'like zero' and zero," Cameron says. True, but I find that alcohol always helps to put things in perspective. Or, at least, into a different one where nothing is as scary as it really should be. Cameron says that the infection-control guy assured her that if she did end up testing positive for HIV, the hospital would take care of all her medical bills. Cameron adds that he apparently forgot to mention the part where her case goes to the legal department and then Stacy works her artificially tight little ass off to prove that Cameron is a crack whore who got AIDS her own self. Or maybe he did say that, but Cameron just wasn't paying attention. Chase chuckles that it's not like Cameron has anything remotely scandalous in her past for anyone to find, which is supposed to reassure Cameron but only seems to make her feel worse.

Chase finds one of photographer Kalvin's artsy photos that used some pre-WWII broken light bulbs as props. Sadly, we don't get to see this photo, which must have had all kind of crazy stuff happening in it. As Chase explains to House back at PPTH, old bulbs used to contain beryllium, the dust of which causes berylliosis, an inflammation of the lungs. Chase's possibly-dead dad wrote a paper about it, which is how Chase knows all this. House is relieved that Chase isn't actually smarter than he is after all, and orders Cameron to get a biopsy of Kalvin's lung tissue to test Chase's theory. Chase gallantly offers to do it instead, but House says he'd rather not expose all of his employees to AIDS if he doesn't have to.

Cameron does the biopsy, wearing glasses, gloves, and a smock this time, although not a face shield, which is what I would have come in with. Covered by a welder's mask, if it were available. And a latex bodysuit. I don't play around. Kalvin says he's very sorry about accidentally exposing Cameron to AIDS, but Cameron just wants to concentrate on the biopsy. Kalvin tells her that if she wanted a sample of his fun pills to test, he could have just asked her. They're in his bag over by the chair right now. Cameron is absolutely outraged that Kalvin would bring drugs into the hospital like that, as if he were wheeling himself up to the pediatric ward and selling them off during his free time or something, but Kalvin thinks Cameron is really mad about the AIDS exposure, and says that this understanding nice act she's doing about it is both useless and boring. How is it that Kalvin knows how useless and boring Cameron is, and yet the writers insist on giving her storylines? Kalvin says he was wicked pissed when he got HIV after one stupid night, so he's sure Cameron's feeling some of that, too, especially since she didn't even get to have sex for her exposure. "This wasn't your fault," Cameron says. Huh. It appears that those prophylaxis pills have a side effect of making people much cooler about things.

Stacy finds House, apparently breaking into her house, in her attic. She's shocked -- SHOCKED I tell you! -- that House would do such a thing, even though just last season she anticipated it enough to leave cookies. House explains that he had to get rid of all that poison cheese he laid out for the rat -- which, by the way, he has named Steve McQueen. Steve McQueen spins in his grave at the thought of being named after a ball-less rodent. Or at least he will, once he stops spinning from having a freaking Sheryl Crow song named after him. House needs to keep Steve alive to find out what's making his head tilt: it could be something environmental that will also effect Stacy and Mark, in which case, House will be sure to send Mark up to the attic and lock him in there until he dies and we will all find House's unique approach to romantic competition charmingly refreshing. House waves a sample of rat piss he's collected for testing under Stacy's nose just to be extra-super-flirty, and then gives Stacy some new drugs to put in Steve's cheese. If Steve has an infection, he'll be cured. If he isn't cured, they'll know he's got a tumor. Stacy asks if Steve will be having rat chemo, but House says that Steve McQueen without hair is just not cool. "It's a blessing he died young," he says. Except that Steve McQueen was fifty when he died, putting him more at the Humphrey Bogart end of the Tragic Young Movie Star Death spectrum than the James Dean end. Stacy and House exchange warm, flirty smiles until Stacy's phone rings. It's Mark, and he's coming home soon. House takes off, making sure to lift Stacy's toilet seat up as he goes, either to indicate to Mark that he was there or to piss Stacy off at Mark's inability to be polite about putting the seat down. Or both. House is crafty like that.

Kalvin is having problems. Foreman and Cameron tend to him, thinking that his blood vessel rupture has re-opened and is filling the area around Kalvin's heart with blood. Despite the possibility of having more blood coughed in their faces, Cameron and Foreman still refuse to wear face shields. Cameron's even wearing some rather tiny glasses in lieu of safety goggles. Whatever. Foreman gets ready to jab Kalvin with something that will drain the blood around his heart as Cameron reassures the panicking Kalvin that he's not dying. Kalvin's smart enough to know that a doctor who isn't capable enough to not get AIDS blood coughed all over her face probably isn't capable enough to keep her patients alive, and gives Cameron a final message for his father: he's sorry. Foreman goes to drain Kalvin's heart, only to find that there isn't any blood there. The only thing Foreman can think of that would do this is a tumor. A cancer tumor.

Back in the meeting room, Wilson gets to do his job, and reports that they have found several masses in and around Kalvin's heart. How did it take them this long to find them? Are you telling me that Chase didn't see anything when he went in there to repair that tear in Kalvin's lungs and that none of those masses showed up in that original chest x-ray, despite the scarring? Come on. Wilson asks Cameron how she's doing, but House tells him to stop asking Cameron about her health when they have a real patient to deal with. And so it was. Wilson assumes that Kalvin has Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, but Cameron hates it when people are diagnosed with terminal cancer and suggests that Kalvin might just have sarcoidosis, even though the lung tissue test was negative for it. Sigh. Cameron demands to do some kind of cell spot test for sarcoidosis. House says that will require a ton of signed paperwork. Cameron doesn't seem to care. We don't see Wilson or the rest of the Cottages during this argument, but I think we can assume they're all making a series of unattractive disgusted faces as they remember what happened the last time Cameron refused to believe that someone had terminal cancer. House sends everyone off to do the cell spot paperwork, and asks Cameron whether she managed to get hold of Kalvin's dad yet, since House knows Cameron well enough to know that Kalvin's last request sent Cameron straight to the phone, probably when she was supposed to be treating Kalvin. Even Steve McQueen knows Cameron well enough to know that by now. We don't know Foreman or Chase that well, though. How strange. Cameron admits that she totally did call Kalvin's dad, who said he doesn't want to see his dying son. House tells her to leave the family stuff alone, since it has nothing to do with Kalvin's medical problems and Kalvin didn't mean what he said on his deathbed anyway. If he really wanted his dad to know he was sorry, he wouldn't have to be at death's door to tell him so. Cameron asks House what he said when he thought he was dying, and House changes the subject right back to Kalvin. He wonders what Kalvin has to apologize to his dad for, if his dad was the one who threw Kalvin out. "Everybody has regrets," Cameron says meaningfully, if not answering-the-questioningly.

That cell spot test they had to go through all that paperwork for is a simple injection of something that will react to Kalvin's sarcoidosis and give Kalvin a rash at the injection site. So it's pretty much a glorified TB test. I'm very disappointed. Cameron asks Kalvin about his dad and that apology. Kalvin tells Cameron to try some of his drugs now that the lab is done testing them, apparently hoping that ecstasy will curb some of Cameron's nosiness. "Not really my thing," Cameron says. Kalvin says that if Cameron were to get HIV -- and he really hopes she doesn't except not really seeing as he's saying all this -- it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for her. You see, Kalvin used to be a "good boy" who always "played by the rules." Now he plays AND parties because he knows that life is too short to make other people happy. And, one would think, to waste it with artificial fun instead of creating something that's naturally fulfilling. "Now I'm happy," Kalvin says, smirking as he lies back in the hospital bed he's in because he might be dying of cancer related to his full-blown AIDS. Now that's happiness.

Wilson talks to House about all the time he's been spending with Stacy lately, and how House only shows up at the Stacy residence when he knows Mark is out. Wilson thinks Mark might have a problem with that, but House points out that Stacy obviously isn't telling Mark about House's visits because Mark thinks Stacy still has feelings for House because Stacy does, in fact, still have feelings for House. House figures that if Stacy did tell Mark about House, he won't get through the front door tonight. If she hasn't, however...

Cut to House and Stacy in the attic on rat stakeout duty. And just where is Mark supposed to be tonight? At the physio slumber party? House points out that Steve McQueen has cleverly eaten all the cheese around the antibiotics, and Stacy has to admit that Steve McQueen is okay as far as rats go. House says that Steve McQueen is so cool that he even smokes little rat cigarettes, as evidenced by the traces of nasty chemicals House found in Steve's urine. I hope he paid for those tests out of his own pocket, because I'd hate to think of my health insurance rates going up because some doctor was abusing the lab's resources for his own little vanity project. Obviously, Steve isn't the one smoking those cigarettes. House says that Mark should really stop puffing or else risk his AIP coming back. Stacy admits that she's actually the secret smoker, and has been exhaling her fumes in the air vents Steve McQueen frequents in order to hide that fact from Mark. "I always knew," House says. Stacy doesn't believe him until House details exactly when Stacy started smoking (two weeks after House's leg surgery) and what types of cigarettes she preferred. He never told Stacy he knew because the cigarettes allowed him to monitor her "misery level": the more she smoked, the more unhappy she was. You have to resort to things like this when your lover's face is incapable of showing any telling expressions. "I'm sorry you were miserable," he says. "I'm sorry I caused you so much pain," Stacy says. Wow, that scene was almost kind of nice. Their faces get closer and closer and you can almost feel the sexual tension their relationship was supposed to have all along here, and then Steve McQueen gets caught in the humane rat trap and interrupts everything. House glares at Steve and his bad rat timing.

Chase knocks on an apartment door. There's music playing inside that can be heard out in the hall, which must be just great for our mystery person's neighbors. The door opens, and Chase tells the mystery girl he's glad she changed her mind about the drink. "Come on in," Cameron says, sporting some nice crazy lady hair and little else. She immediately throws Chase up against the wall and starts kissing him. Chase is confused, to say the least. He pulls away and asks Cameron if she's high. "Uh huh!" Cameron says. She managed to get her hands on some of Kalvin's supply after all, it seems. Those prophylaxis drugs make you a horny klepto druggie, apparently. Cameron really should have paid more attention when that guy was telling her about those side effects. She removes Chase's coat and gets to work on his shirt. He tells her to slow down, noting that her pupils are all dilated. "Don't turn into a good guy on me now!" Cameron slurs. And there goes Chase's shirt, and he and Cameron make out as Cameron's really crappy dance music from like 1994 plays. Way to totally assassinate Chase's character there, writers. Sure, Cameron initiated everything and invited Chase over and willingly took the drugs, probably with the intention of having sex with him, but if you're sober and you know your partner isn't and is acting very out-of-character, you really shouldn't take advantage of that. Cameron's an irresponsible twit, but Chase is a sleazy asshole. I liked him better when he was kissing children. Conversely, my like for Cameron increases.

The morning, a very tired and haggard-looking Cameron, decked out in the all-black meth hangover uniform, replete with a black turtleneck and black beret, staggers into the elevator. But she won't be riding alone, as House sticks his cane in the door at the last minute and shoves it back open. He has also come to work with accessories, although his is a rat in a cage as opposed to mood clothes. "You're late and hung-over," House points out. He suspects that Cameron might not be sick from too much alcohol, though. "Why do you have a rat?" Cameron says, as if House hadn't just spoken. Awesome.

House and Cameron de-elevator and hear commotion coming from Kalvin's room. Dad of Kalvin is there, and the two are fighting. Kalvin's dad moves to exit the room, but House's cane blocks his egress and asks Kalvin where his big apology to his dad is. Kalvin tells House to stay out of it, but House points out that Kalvin was the one who stalked House, so now House gets to find out every sordid detail of Kalvin's life, starting with why Kalvin would apologize to his dad when his dad was the person who kicked him out of his house. Dad denies this, as well as House's further allegations that he's a child-abusing drunk, which would account for the cirrhosis. But it doesn't explain what Kalvin would have to apologize to his dad for. "Leave it alone," Kalvin says. House calls Kalvin's dad a bigot, assuming that Dad's problems with Kalvin are related to him being gay. Surprise! Dad has no problem with the gay thing, but a big problem with what Kalvin did to his wife, Kalvin's mother. "He steal her signature look?" House asks, proving that there is at least one bigot in the room. No, Dad says, Kalvin KILLED her. He coughed blood in her face and gave her AIDS. Just kidding, Cameron! Put the meth down!

Back in the meeting room, Cameron's still got her crazy sex hair going on. It seems that the meth has also prevented her from putting on makeup this morning, and girl looks bad. She's full of moral outrage that Kalvin lied to them about his father. House, Foreman, and Chase just sit back and watch Cameron pace around and twitch and talk too fast as she exposits that Kalvin's mom needed a kidney transplant. Kalvin was a match, but the fact that he had HIV prevented him from being a donor. Kalvin's mom never got another match, and died. Oh, that's great. I'm sure she would have rather gotten an HIV kidney than, you know, DIED. Stupid transplant committees. House takes note of Cameron's oddly-meth-hangover-like symptoms. Chase says that Kalvin's dad has no right to be angry at Kalvin for what happened to his mother. Foreman disagrees, saying that Kalvin knew the consequences of having unprotected sex. If he hadn't been so irresponsible, his mother would still be alive. Kalvin's dad should be pissed about that. "Do you always use a condom?" Cameron asks Foreman. "Uh...yeah," Foreman says. "Brothas on the down-low got to," House racists. Cameron asks House if he uses a condom, since she's apparently doing an informal poll. "Working girls are sticklers," House says. Cameron does not ask Chase about his condom usage, which House finds interesting. "I'm not an idiot," Chase says. House says that must be true -- after all, "who doesn't sleep with a drugged-up colleague when they have a chance?" Cameron is speechless for the first time this scene. Foreman, too, doesn't say anything, although the expression on his face as he realizes that House's assumption is correct is better than any words could be. Foreman turns to Chase (who shakes his head but looks really uncomfortable), and reclines in his chair, grinning while also looking slightly unnerved either at what a dick Chase is or how awkward this is going to make the work environment and how many Cameronspeeches he's going to have to endure about it. Cameron inquires as to the whereabouts of Wilson. House says they got the result of that sarcoidosis test. He shakes his head sadly to indicate that Kalvin's got some death cancer.

Wilson is telling Kalvin the news right now. Kalvin takes it well enough, having some experience with getting really bad health news. Wilson says that they need to biopsy the tumor in Kalvin's heart. The procedure could be dangerous, Wilson explains. Kalvin's dad sits outside and looks sad about stuff.

Chase gives Cameron some Ativan for her meth hangover. Awww, he's like the guy who makes you breakfast in the morning, except that he's a total slimeball. Chase doesn't think they should have sex again. Cameron doesn't think Chase should presume that she'd want to. Chase explains that when two people have sex and it's a fun time, they usually do it again. "And that's when things get complicated," Chase adds, as if the fact that he had sex with her while she was high on meth and probably ecstasy and all their co-workers know about it didn't already complicate things. As a consolation prize, Chase tells Cameron that she "didn't suck" in bed. I guess Cameron's not a downtown girl.

The rat problem solved, Wilson tells House that he'll have to figure out another way to insinuate himself into Stacy's life. Wilson's suggestion is to hit another patient, but House turns that down, saying that it would be repeating himself and therefore "formulaic." And yet...House exposits that Steve has a lung infection from Stacy's cigarette smoke and will need two weeks of antibiotics and a cigarette smoke-free environment. Wilson is appalled that House brought a sick rat into a hospital full of people with compromised immune systems. House says that this particular rat infection doesn't spread to people. Wilson points out that it did during the black plague, and that rats are known to carry all kinds of other diseases and parasites that could spread to humans. House makes his "brilliant idea" face, and asks Wilson whether he noticed that Kalvin's dad was sweating. Wilson doesn't answer, but House tells him to cancel Kalvin's biopsy, since it will surely kill him.

House taps on the weird glass encasement Kalvin's dad is currently sitting in in the middle of the hallway, and orders him to come to Kalvin's room with him. Dad is reluctant until House says that Kalvin needs to talk to him. They get into the room, and House tells Kalvin that his dad wanted to talk to him. Dad senses a trap and tries to leave the room, but it's too late. House asks Dad if they used to hunt foxes back in Montana. "It's Montana," Dad says. It's not like the higher echelons of the British societal hierarchy or something, where fox-hunting would be standard, is it? But it's enough for House, who tells Kalvin that he doesn't have cancer after all: he has echinococcosis, which causes parasitic cysts they confused for cancerous tumors. Echinococcosis is transferred from foxes to people and can remain dormant for years. Kalvin says he's been tested for parasites and was negative. House says that the cysts isolate the parasite from the rest of the body, and thereby cause it not to show up in any tests, just like every other parasite on this show. I really don't know why they do tests at all. Dad tries to leave the room, but House stops him, saying he's got echinococcosis too, but in his liver. It presents just like cirrhosis except for an additional fever, which would explain Dad's frequent sweating. Testing for the parasite in Kalvin will kill him, but they can test it in Dad and his diagnosis would be enough to confirm Kalvin's. So Dad can either take a simple, painless blood test that will save his son's life (why can't Kalvin take this simple, painless blood test? I'm so confused), or refuse to do it and condemn his son to death. House thinks it's only fair that Dad tell his son his decision to his face. That's actually no problem for Dad, who strolls up and tells his son that he never seemed sorry for killing his mom and himself by not wearing a condom that one time when he was a freaking teenager. Kalvin says that he's living his life the way he wants and won't apologize for anything. Dad refuses to have the blood test.

House moves on to option B: insulting Kalvin's dead mom for being fat and stupid enough to let her diabetes kill her kidneys. He then implies that Poor Dead Susan was probably nibbling on "every Devil Dog in the county," and he doesn't mean the "delicious snack." (I think he means "penis.") Kalvin and Dad bond over their anger at House, but only Dad is healthy enough to punch House in the face for it. House recovers and thanks Dad for that, because it means he gets to do "this," which is hit the guy's midsection with his cane. Oh, charming. Dad collapses with the same anaphylactic shock Kalvin had earlier. For his part, Kalvin lies there and asks House what the hell is wrong with him. House presses his cane against poor Dad's neck and tells him that he just ruptured one of his liver cysts, just like Kalvin did when he "accidentally tripped" into Wilson's car. If House releases his cane's stranglehold on Dad's neck and Dad still can't breathe, it means he's got anaphylactic shock and therefore proves House's diagnosis. Sure enough, Dad's still gasping for air when House lets him go. Man, I don't know who's hotter this episode, House or Chase!

Kalvin and Dad have their nasty-looking fox parasite cysts surgically removed.

House believes that he's been called into Cuddy's office for congratulations on saving both Kalvin's and Kalvin's father's lives. Cuddy is very angry that House managed to cane-attack both a father and his son in one episode. "Go see Stacy," Cuddy Cuddys. This time, House is more than pleased to oblige. Cuddy finds that very odd, but doesn't get to say anything about it.

Basic Black Cameron is finally angry at Kalvin. He lied to her -- not about his mom, but about the fun of his party-boy lifestyle. It's not as fulfilling as Kalvin claims it is, judging by the fact that Kalvin hasn't had a single visitor the whole time he's been in the hospital except for his father, who hates him. Cameron: "You blame yourself for your mom's death. You're not trying to have fun, you're trying to self-destruct. You wanna kill yourself? Fine. But STOP recruiting." Kalvin tries not to cry because he just got TOLD. Not bad, Cameron. Meth, sex, and antivirals have combined to make you a slightly more enjoyable character. I'd like to point out, though, that there's a difference between being recruited and being drafted. Your choices are your own, hon.

House sees Stacy. He explains that the patient he assaulted actually hit him first, and Stacy's all concern, examining House's jaw for injuries. Aside from the usual stubble-related ingrown hairs, House's jaw seems fine. Stacy dabs some ice on it as House starts asking about Mark. Either Mark knows that Stacy is smoking and hasn't said anything about it, or Mark and Stacy haven't been close enough for Mark to smell the cigarette smoke on her in a very long time. "We're fine," Stacy says. But House presses on. He insists that Stacy is lying about the sex. He knows her well enough to know when Stacy isn't getting any. "You can smell that on me, too?" Stacy asks. Ew. Ew. Ew. Stacy says that the only people who know what's going on with her and Mark are her and Mark...and her therapist. Who works at PPTH. "You could easily get into her office. You read my file," Stacy realizes. Hey, Stacy -- if you knew about that first part, why the hell didn't you realize the possibility of the second part? Come on! House knows he's busted, and doesn't say anything. Stacy tearfully realizes that House's recent kindness to her was all a result of the stuff he read in her file, and his trying to use it to manipulate her. House points out that Stacy didn't have to keep spending all that time with House, but she did because she wants to be with him. "I don't anymore," Stacy says. And then she kicks him out of her office. And House can't really say much to that.

A guitar plays the beginning to our episode-ending music montage. Kalvin sits at his father's bedside and apologizes. Cameron watches them. Dude, Cameron, MYOB.

Stacy and Mark cuddle on a couch. Mark wonders why Stacy smells like cigarettes and rat piss, and makes a mental note to buy a washing machine along with the dishwasher.

Chase washes his face and notices something on his lip. It looks like a Cameron-shaped bite mark. Rowrr, Cameron! Have fun hoping you don't have AIDS, Chase! Try not to do some illegal drugs during your own personal struggle dealing with your mortality, which will take place off-camera.

Cameron takes her pills and crosses out the days on her calendar until her AIDS test. Maybe when that's negative she'll start wearing makeup again.

House hangs out at home, all alone except for his new pet rat.