Honeymoon

Stacy is very convincing indeed: she managed to get Mark to consent to the surgery (unless, of course, House just drugged him again and had Stacy sign the consent forms while her husband was unconscious, which we know for a fact they're both willing to do).

Stacy pretends to be a high-powered lawyer by talking into a small tape recorder about "minority opinions" and other lawyerly things. She's interrupted by a cup of coffee, made just the way she used to like it -- double milk, no sugar. These days, she tells House, she likes sugar. One hopes she also likes air, because it's very obvious that's all the prop cup is filled with as Sela Ward flings it around. House takes a seat beside her and starts tapping his cane on the floor. Stacy says that annoys her, probably because it reminds her of the fact that she's the reason why House has a cane to tap at all. House says that people wait in waiting rooms because they think that the closer they are to the operating room, the more they care. Stacy says she's not moving until everybody sees her. I'm not exactly sure what that means, because I don't know if we're in the waiting room, or just a random hallway. They look exactly the same. Let's move on. House asks Stacy if she's "doing" anybody besides her husband, saying that the question is medical in nature, since it will show that Mark's paranoia is justified and therefore not a symptom. Stacy says that if that were House's only motive for asking the question, he would have sent one of the Cottages to ask it, calling them "Mandingos," and I really hope she's using that term to imply that the Cottages are like slaves to their boss, as opposed to it being her clever name for Foreman. It's pretty racist both ways, but a great deal moreso if it's the latter. It's really too bad those two broke up, because with House's proven prejudice against Asians and Stacy's against black people, they really did make a perfect couple. But anyway, Stacy says that House asked the question personally because he was hoping that if her answer was yes, it would mean that she would sleep with him. Stacy sure does think a lot of herself, doesn't she? I'm surprised that House can even fit on that couch, what with Stacy's giant ego taking up so much space. Hell, I'm surprised anyone else can even fit in the hospital.

Foreman exits the operating room to tell Stacy that the surgery went well, and that she can see Mark in the recovery room now. Stacy leaves to do that. Foreman tells House that the surgeon didn't find anything but a distended bladder, which I believe is what your mother always threatened would happen to you if you held it too often. It doesn't explain any of Mark's symptoms, leading Foreman to agree with Cameron that Mark is fine. House asks for a video of the surgery.

House spends his night eating pizza, drinking, and watching TV. It would be the perfect evening if the TV show wasn't a close-up of Mark's insides. House watches and paces around the office and twirls his cane and watches again. He decides that his TV screen isn't sharp enough to see the finer details, and steals the ob-gyn department's plasma screen in an awesome bit of continuity. The clearer screen shows him what he's looking for, and he calls "Dr. Mandingo" to the "plantation house." Oh, dear.

We cut to Foreman, looking so, so pissed off as he and the other Cottages, having been drug out of bed and into work, stare at the almost-empty bottle of "Gold Medal" fake brand liquor and say they don't see anything wrong on the video. House presses "play" on the computer, and we see Mark's abdominal muscles ripple. While this would normally be considered impressive and attractive if it happened to the muscles visible outside Mark's body, here on the inside, it's abdominal epilepsy, which indicates a big neurological problem. House calls it a "time bomb in [Mark's] brain." Then he makes fun of Cameron for thinking the guy was fine. Hee hee.

Foreman and House enter the meeting room as Foreman says that some scan or other revealed that Mark's axial nerves are dying, which explains the bladder problem. Something is killing his nerves, and when enough die, so does Mark. Foreman says that the two most likely candidates are encephalitis and Alzheimer's. "Early-onset Alzheimer's. The worst," Cameron says. Deciding between the "worst" case of Alzheimer's is kind of like deciding who is more racist between House and Stacy, isn't it? House asks if either of Mark's parents had it, and Cameron says that they both died in a car accident, just like almost all the other patient's parents or loved ones on this show. House orders the Cottages to test various bodily fluids for encephalitis and Alzheimer's, and to break into Stacy and Mark's house. Chase protests that it's two hours away, and Cameron says she thinks House is doing this to spy on Stacy, not to help Mark. House tells the guys to be sure to bring back Stacy's secret diary, and, if they have time, to check the medicine cabinet for toxins or heavy metals. That had better be a big medicine cabinet to fit all the members of Iron Maiden, although maybe not so much once Sharon Osbourne has gotten a hold of them and cut them all up to bits. That is a scary woman.

Stacy wanders into the hospital lab with an open cup of coffee. First of all, she's not allowed anywhere near there. Second of all, I worked in a hospital lab and it was so boring and I would have killed to be allowed to bring a cup of coffee in there to keep myself awake but it was AGAINST EVERY RULE KNOWN TO MAN TO HAVE FOOD IN A LABORATORY. We weren't allowed to touch things without a thin layer of latex between our hands and the item, and we had to wear big long coats all the time. Oddly, this attention to safety did not extend to the handling of dry ice, about which we were instructed "not to touch it for very long" in lieu of getting special protective gloves. It doesn't matter anyway, because Stacy's cup is obviously empty. She asks Cameron what House thinks is wrong with Mark, and Cameron says that Alzheimer's is the "most likely" candidate, and I'm pretty sure that's a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality, although drugging the guy probably wasn't all that legal either. Sela Ward tries really, really hard to convey shock and sadness at the news, but since her face is pretty well frozen from all the plastic surgery and Botox, she ends up looking aggressively bored. She says that Mark has had no memory loss, so the diagnosis must be wrong. Cameron doesn't want to talk about boring old medical stuff anymore, so she asks Stacy about House and his leg deal. Stacy immediately deduces that Cameron is "interested" in House. "We went on one date. It...didn't go very well," Cameron says, forgetting to add that House only went out with her because she practically forced him to, and that it didn't go well because he forced her to deal with some hard truths about herself. Stacy says that her first date with House didn't go very well either, and then, a week later, she moved in with him. Cameron tries to do the math in her head to see if it's been over a week since her date. If so, she'd better get started on calling her moving company and subletting her apartment! Cameron asks what House was like before his leg gave out. "Pretty much the same," Stacy says, and I'm sure she'd love to think that. Some test results shoot out of the printer. Cameron reads them, and says that Mark is "clear" of Alzheimer's. "Yeah. That's what I figured," Stacy snots.

Foreman and Chase root through the Warner household, noting that Mark stopped mountain-biking to pursue yoga, which could be a symptom of the mental confusion. I would agree with that, but I'm not exactly impartial, my sole exposure to the practice being when my mom tried it down at the Y and ended up doing something to her back that left her temporarily unable to move very much, meaning that the rest of the family had to fend for ourselves and make our own school lunches. Life was hard for a while. Foreman goes to the kitchen to get his usual B and E snack, only to find a plate of cookies and a note addressed to the "Houseboys," which is what I would call the Cottages if only that stupid Cameron wasn't there to mess it up. Cameron messes everything up. Chase hands Foreman a bottle of amphetamines he found way, way in the back of Mark's desk drawer.

The Cottages give their findings to House, saying that abuse of amphetamines could cause neurotoxicity, which would explain Mark's symptoms. House notes that while the name on the prescription bottle "W. Brown," (WHY, Warrick?!) looks fake, the prescribing doctor is real, and just had his license revoked for writing illegal prescriptions to high-school students. How stupid do you have to be to do that, anyway? Do you not make enough as a freaking doctor to have to supplement your income from high-schoolers' petty cash? Mark is a high-school guidance counselor, and W. Brown's birthdate is consistent with one of his counselees. House thinks the pills were confiscated, not abused. Not yet, anyway, as he then pockets them. House also pooh-poohs Chase's mountain bike-to-yoga symptom-of-dementia theory, preferring to believe that it's just a symptom that he's getting old. Cameron says that the encephalitis test was negative. House says it must be Alzheimer's, then. Cameron says that the marker was negative, and she already told Stacy that Mark was free and clear. House reminds her that a missing marker doesn't mean there's no Alzheimer's (nice one, Cams!), and orders a PET scan of Mark's brain.

Foreman prepares Mark for the PET scan, which will take place in an MRI-like tube. They'll inject Mark with something that will help them map out his brain, and then Foreman will ask him memory questions so that they can see what's working up there and what isn't. Foreman walks into the booth, where House is hiding because he claims to like "pretty lights."

Mark slides into the tube, and Foreman asks questions over a speaker. They're boring, so House takes over and asks Mark about his wedding, claiming to want to find out about Mark's long-term memory and emotions. Mark's emotions are definitely working okay, as he tells House that Stacy wasn't wearing any underwear under her wedding dress, which he knows because she ripped the dress off as soon as they got in the car. For the sake of the innocent young flower girl, I hope those windows were tinted. A lot. Foreman tells House to stop it, and Mark asks House if he wants the details about their honeymoon in Paris. House says that Mark seems very defensive. Foreman says it doesn't count as paranoia when someone actually is out to get you.

House tries to get some alone time on the hospital roof, but Stacy finds him and yells at him about what he said to her husband. House says that the questions were medical in nature. Stacy says she knew House would go running up to roof like a little twelve-year-old afterward. "I haven't been up here in five years," House says, which I took to mean that he hasn't been on the roof since his leg made it difficult to take the stairs to get there. It shuts Stacy up, wonderfully, and House admits that he doesn't know what's wrong with Mark. Every test for every possible diagnosis has been negative. Stacy says she never thought House wouldn't be able to figure it out. He steps up and hugs her and she cries tearlessly. He says he hasn't given up. She pulls away and asks what they do now. House says they'll wait for something to change.

House and Stacy don't have to wait long! Mark can't feel his toes. He frantically calls for a nurse. Stacy runs in, followed by House. Mark tells her that he's really scared and asks her to hold his hand. But she already is. The Magic School Bus Cam goes flying into his eye and through the nerves connecting his brain to his hand, which are all shorting out. "Time marches on," House says. "He's paralyzed."

House's latest theory is that Mark's mystery illness is not in his brain, but somewhere peripheral. His guess is Guillian-Barr syndrome, which requires a halfway decent knowledge of French to figure out how to spell. As my knowledge is considerably less than that, I spent quite a lot of time googling "Guilamba-Ray" and "Geelambaray" before I figured it out. Foreman says he already tested for it and there were no antibodies. House says that Mark could still have it and just not be producing the antibodies, which Foreman says is very unlikely. House says that the treatment for Guillian-Barr isn't "all that" dangerous, whereas doing nothing if Mark really had the disease would prove fatal. So he'd rather go with the treatment route and see what happens.

Mark is all hooked up to plasmapheresis machines as Cameron tells him the she doesn't know if his paralysis is permanent or not since "the brain is tricky." How reassuring. From the doorway, House gives Stacy a silent head-nod. Mark gets all suspicious that House wants to talk to Stacy for reasons that aren't medical, and says she might as well go, since she'll be leaving him if his paralysis is permanent anyway, just like she left House when he got the limp. Mark starts to cry, and Stacy says she's not going anywhere. Cameron tells him that his emotions are all out of whack because of his virus, and then Mark's throat closes up and he can't breathe. Cameron calls a code, saying it must be an allergic reaction to the drugs. She tries to intubate him, but House enters and says this isn't an allergic reaction, and that if Cameron just took a second to look at his vitals, she'd see that he isn't crashing at all. The code blue team file out and talk about how this is the seventh time today that Cameron called an unnecessary code and made them all have to run around. House asks Stacy if Mark has sweaty palms. She nods that he does. House orders Cameron to inject Mark with two milligrams of Ativan for his panic attack. She does, and Mark's throat immediately loosens up again. House checks out one of Mark's "Get Well Soon" cards and asks Stacy if they can talk now that her husband is too out of it to get all worked up again.

"DELUSIONS," House writes on the whiteboard in big letters. He thinks Mark has Acute Intermittent Porphyria, which can only be diagnosed when the patient is in the middle of an attack. Chase says that there are other symptoms, like light sensitivity, and House points out that Mark recently gave up the outdoor activity of mountain biking for indoor yoga. He tells them to start Mark on glucose and hematin. Cameron points out that if House is wrong, the hematin will kill Mark immediately, meaning that this time, the guess treatment is more dangerous than doing nothing. They'll need to confirm the diagnosis, but the only way to do that is to get a urine sample during an attack, and there's no way to predict when the attack will happen. "Sure, there is!" says House. Uh oh.

The gang gathers around Mark's bed. House explains that AIP has some very specific triggers that set off an attack. They don't know which of those exactly caused Mark's attacks, so House proposes a "combo plate": an injection of all known triggers that is bound to cause an attack. Stacy points out that triggering an attack will make her husband worse, and House says that's true, but that it will also confirm the diagnosis so that they can treat him. Mark asks what will happen if he doesn't have AIP and they give him the combo plate. "I have no idea," House says. Probably nothing good, though, especially with Mark's brain being so addled. Stacy says she needs a minute with her husband.

House and the Cottages watch from outside. Mark shakes his head. Stacy comes out and says that Mark wants to wait for another explanation. She asks House how much time her husband has. House says they have no idea. The attack could be fatal, and it could happen anytime. He could die in five minutes or five months. Some genetic test will give them more certain information, but it takes a month. Stacy tells House to give Mark the injection. House won't do anything against his patient's wishes for the first time in the history of ever. Stacy promises not to sue House. He says that's great, but that it doesn't mean Mark won't. Stacy says that if the combo plate doesn't work, Mark will still be paralyzed, and will therefore in no condition to file lawsuits. Hey, go easy on the sympathy, there, Stacy. House says that this is Mark's call, and that he made it. No injection. "You want him to die," Stacy says. It would seem that she hasn't learned ANYTHING from the last time someone she loved made a possibly fatal health choice she disagreed with. House retorts that if Stacy wants someone to tie Mark down and force him to have the treatment she thinks is best, then she can go ahead and do it herself, since she's much better at it than anyone else. Stacy bares her teeth and says that if this is payback for what she did to House's leg, she knows she saved his life, or at least that's what she chooses to believe because it makes her a Noble Hero. "You're gonna kill my husband to teach me a lesson?" she asks. House says that Mark is going to die because Mark is being stubborn, not because of anything House or Stacy did, and Stacy says that House acted the same way when he had his health crisis. Yes, and look how well that turned out for everyone, Stacy. She certainly has a type, though. House says that he respects his patient's decisions. Stacy says that's not true at all; House browbeats them into getting the treatment he knows they need, and the only reason he isn't doing it this time is because he wants Mark to die. And I really don't see how House is doing anything wrong here, and I think Stacy should be telling all of this to her husband instead of giving shit to the guy trying to save his life. Stacy says that when she decided to chop up House's leg, it was just like what he does to his patients all the time. Except that House has a medical license and Stacy does not. And when House does stuff like that, the patient lives and recovers, while when Stacy does it, they have a limp and a Vicodin addiction. "He'll never forgive you," House says, speaking from experience. "Yeah. He will," Stacy shoots back, and walks away. What a bitch! I think I hate her more than Cameron.

Stacy returns to Mark's room, where the Cottages report that Mark is stable. This is consistent with AIP, where everything is hunky-dory until the attack. Stacy begs Mark to get the combo plate, but he won't do it until they're "sure." Except that they can't be sure without the combo plate, so...just get the combo plate, Mark. Most of it is alcohol and barbiturates anyway, so it'll probably be a fun time. Stacy says that she knows House, and that he is right about this. Mark says he doesn't know House all that well, having met him the night the guy drugged him, so Mark shouldn't be all that surprised when House appears in the doorway, syringe in hand, ready to start "cocktail hour." Mark tells House to get away from him. Stacy says that she would bet Mark's life on House's medical opinion. Mark says that he would not. And since, you know, it's Mark's life, Stacy should really respect that. But no. "It's too bad you're paralyzed," House says, and goes to inject the syringe into the IV tube. Chase and Cameron just watch him, but Foreman steps up and knocks it out of his hand, because Foreman is the only Cottage capable of forming his own opinions and acting on them. "Bing! Paging Dr. Foreman!" House falsettos, but he isn't a very good ventriloquist, so Foreman doesn't buy it. Meanwhile, Cameron wonders why Foreman won't answer his page. "Leave the room," House tells him. Foreman says that House needs the consent. Cameron the Follower steps up to Foreman and says that if he can't get a consent, he has to have a court order. House tells her to go get one, and he'll just stay behind and wait and not inject anyone with anything. Chase is the last to step up, and he's all reluctant to do it because he just got out of dogHouse and doesn't want to go back. Plus, he always agrees with House's medical actions, if not his legal ones. "Give me the syringe," Cameron says, holding her hand out. Come on, House! Inject her! Do it! Doit! DOOOO IT!!!!

House doesn't do it. And the Great Wall of Cottages is not enough to prevent House from seeing Stacy who, devoid of the helplessness and desperation Sela Ward was probably supposed to infuse her character with, says that the injection could be Mark's only hope of survival, so House should totally risk his medical license and whatever else to do it. If this is so freaking important to Stacy, why doesn't SHE just grab the syringe away from House (I'm sure he'd give it up easily enough) and inject Mark herself? It's really unfair to expect someone to risk so much for your own selfish needs, which is exactly what this is about because Stacy is the person who wants the combo plate, not Mark. House asks Stacy how she thinks he can do the injection, short of winning a physical altercation against three people. He proposes that Stacy take "the little girl," he'll take the "dark one," and the "Aussie" will run away like a "scared wombat." At first, this seemed equally offensive to everyone until I realized that Cameron actually does act like a little girl and Chase really is Australian, so it's really only offensive to Foreman. I'm surprised House didn't call him a Mandingo. That would have been so adorably snarky!

House listens to some old-timey blues on his office record player. Stacy enters, and thanks House for "fixing" her husband. She says that House was right, both about Mark's condition and about her. She's not over House. He was "the one," and he always will be. House stares, wondering if she'll passionately make out with him now and they'll all live happily ever after. Silly House! It's only the first season! And indeed, Stacy adds that she can't be with him. She's married to someone else. Oh well! Also, I think House still kind of hates her for the leg thing. I think he'd be with her again if he could, but he'd still be bitter about it, and it still wouldn't work out. "You are brilliant, funny, surprising, sexy," Stacy says. But she was "lonely" when she was with House, and with Mark there's "room" for her. You see, that's why she wanted to cut off House's leg: she figured that if he took up less physical space, there would be more space for her. But, no. House looks like he's going to cry. Cold plastic Sela Ward attempts to make her eyes well with tears, and is half-successful. She kisses House on the cheek. And leaves.

House exits the elevator (drink!) and heads for the exit. Cuddy runs downstairs and catches up with him. She needs to "run something" by him. "I will not have sex with you!" House shouts. "Not again!" He says there was too much "desperate administrative need" the first time they did it. Cuddy just makes a "yes, yes, please finish your merry quip so that I may continue speaking about the issue at hand" face and why why why did they focus on House and Cameron and House and Stacy when we could have seen more of House and Cuddy? I don't even want them to hook up, I just want to see them hanging out at a bar making fun of each other. Cuddy says that Mark will need "close monitoring" at the hospital for a while, and she figured that since Stacy was around, they might as well hire her to be the hospital's lawyer. Uh...WHAT?! You know what, forget everything I said about Cuddy being cool in this recap and all that came before it, because that sucks. It sucks so bad. It sucks for House, but even more than that, it sucks for me, because I don't want to see Stacy again and now I have to endure at least seven more episodes of her season. Maybe her skin will settle a bit over the summer hiatus and she won't re-Botox, though. There's always hope for Sela Ward. Probably more for her than Jennifer Morrison, whose portrayal of Cameron is part of the reason why I can't stand the character. If Hugh Laurie can make an unlikable character likable, then Jennifer Morrison should really be able to do the same with a character who has the advantage of not being a drug-addicted semi-racist people-hater. Also, what is preventing Mark from being transferred to a hospital closer to his home? I doubt PPTH is THE destination hospital for AIP patients. Cuddy says Stacy said she'd take the job if it was okay with House. House walks away. "Yes or no?" Cuddy calls after him as the lobby crowd who heard House's earlier comment to her completely misinterpret the question. "Fine. Good," House says, not looking like it's fine or good with him. And the You Can't Always Get What You Want Choir, it sang. And the season, it was bookended by the music of The Rolling Stones.

The music continues as House, back home, pours himself a huge glass of Not Maker's Mark whiskey. He drinks all of his liquid courage and tosses his cane away so he can try to walk unassisted. He takes about a half-step with his bad leg before collapsing into a nearby chair.

Stacy and Mark make out in his hospital bed. Things always work out for Stacy!

House takes out that bottle of amphetamines he swiped from Mark. He tosses a pill in the air and catches it in his mouth. The effect is kind of ruined by the fact that the flying pill was obviously created on a computer afterward and the whole thing looks fake. It's a good party trick, though. House shuffles the pill around in his mouth and then looks directly at the camera as we fade to black. If he swallows it, he'll be as excited about the new season as I am! See you then!