Love Hurts

Today's pre-credits disaster appears to be taking place already in the Clinic, since that is where we begin. An anxious-looking guy asks Evil Nurse Brenda how much longer he'll have to wait to see a doctor, and she tells him to sit down and be patient for his turn to be a patient. What could be causing things to run so slowly today? Well, House is on duty today, and he's spending his mandatory time watching his portable TV with Wilson and his patient. They watch sports like very manly men indeed, and Wilson keeps asking House how he got Cameron to agree to come back, all atwitter with the prospect of some juicy gossip, like a not-so-very manly man. House would rather focus on the game, since portable TVs don't have Tivos. But what a wonderful world it would be if they did. The patient also wants to know the details of Cameron's rehire, prompting Wilson to ask him who he is and what he's doing there. And it had better not be waiting for a threesome, because Wilson doesn't like to share. House says that both he and his patient have to go back to work when the examination is complete, something neither of them is in much of a hurry to do. So they're just going to watch TV for as long as possible in order to put off the inevitable. Wilson suddenly jumps around, all excited, because he figured out that Cameron came back because she's in love with House. The patient commends House on this achievement, earning him the threat of a prostate exam. House finally tells Wilson that he has to take Cameron out on a date, per the terms of their rehire agreement. The patient tells House to "do [Cameron]," or else House is gay, and Wilson laughs nervously...and hopefully. House takes his portable TV and leaves Wilson and the patient singing the "Sittin' in a Tree" song they both learned in second grade and never forgot.

The impatient patient from earlier walks into House and spills the contents of his open container all over him. House is pissed, in all senses of the word, since he believes the container held pee. He yells at the guy, who meekly apologizes and runs away. Wilson comes out, somehow immediately figures out that House is covered in apple juice and not pee, and tells House to go apologize to the guy before he files a complaint, another one of which would put House on automatic suspension. They don't tell us what the magic automatic suspension complaint number is, but since it's taken House six years to accumulate them all, I'd put it somewhere in the low seven digits.

House finds the impatient patient pressed up against a wall, sobbing, and generously "forgives" him for ruining his jacket. House puts on his nice voice and says he seems like a "regular guy" (a regular guy who cries over spilt apple juice), and offers him twenty dollars not to file a complaint against House. The guy keeps sobbing, so House turns him around, only to find that he's not crying, but having a stroke. Wilson walks up and asks if everything worked out, and House orders a wheelchair to bring the guy to the ER. "You gave the guy a stroke?!" Wilson yells. If one more patient complaint will get House suspended, I can't imagine what this will do.

Foreman and Chase pretend to be thrilled at the return of Cameron, who says that House "begged" her to come back, although she didn't get any more money. House and Wilson come in to tell everyone about their newest patient, the twenty-year-old House scared into having a stroke. Foreman finds this hilarious. House shows them the CT scans, and Cameron is the only Cottage to notice a metal plate in the patient's jaw. I find it hard to believe that Foreman and Chase would miss a big honking thing like that, especially since it wasn't too long ago that they almost gave that woman an MRI that would have ripped the steel pin out of her arm, but I guess this is supposed to show us what a valuable and important member of the team Cameron is despite that fact that the only thing I noticed about her absence was the lack of stupid lines and forced sexual tension, so whatever. They can't do an MRI on the guy's head, meaning they'll have to find other ways to get the information they need. House orders an angiogram to rule out vasculitis, like that even needs to be ruled out; a tox screen to rule out drugs; and an echocardiogram to rule out a heart condition. The newly-reunited Cottages disperse to embark on their missions, and House tells Cameron not to discuss the "terms" of her re-hire, lest her co-workers ask for the same perks.

And of course, as soon as they're out of the office, Chase and Foreman demand to know what those perks are, and Cameron immediately tells them about her date with House. Foreman asks if it will be a "naked and sweaty" date, and Chase cringes and points out that House is "so old." Cameron assigns them all to the tasks House gave them, because she has authority now that she's dating the boss, and walks off with her head held high as if she has something to be proud of. Foreman tells Chase that this is an "accident about to happen." Chase is still confused as to why Cameron would date House over Chase himself.

Harvey is the name of our stroke victim, and he has a female visitor when Foreman enters the room. Her name is Annette, and she answers all of Foreman's questions about Harvey's of kin for him. His parents died in a car crash two years ago, and he was an only child, as were his parents. Foreman tells Annette that if she wants to stay in the room, she needs to let Harvey answer his questions. Foreman asks Harvey what brought him to the Clinic, and Harvey explains that, starting six months ago, he started grinding those things you have in your mouth that help you chew your food. "Teeth," Annette clarifies, just in case Foreman thought Harvey meant cats, and says that Harvey is experiencing some minor aphasia, just in case Foreman thought that Harvey's inability to remember the word "teeth" was totally normal. She then tries to explain to Foreman what aphasia is, and Foreman is all like, "I'm a neurologist, okay? Shut it." Harvey says that he went to see someone about the teeth-grinding, but he can't remember what he was called, so Annette is called upon to clarify again. It was an acupuncturist, and now both Foreman and Harvey have given up on getting any information out of Harvey's addled brain, so Annette is free to explain what the acupuncturist did. Basically, he referred Harvey to another alternative medicine specialist, who referred him to someone else, and so on and so forth until Harvey was referred back to the original acupuncturist. A circle with perfect feng shui. Foreman says that they'll need to get whatever records all the alternative places keep and leaves the room, where Chase is hanging out. He asks Foreman who Annette is. Foreman calls her Harvey's "guru." Chase asks whether Annette called herself that, and Foreman says that she sure acted like it. Chase stares at Annette. As soon as she looks toward him, he turns away. Hmm.

Clinic time! House walks into the examining room to find an old woman in stirrups. And not the kind of stirrups you'd find in a saddle or attached to pants at the local thrift store, either. "Hi. I'm having vaginal pain," she says. House considers leaving this place, but settles for taking his pills. The woman explains that her regular ob/gyn recently died. He had warm hands. "Not anymore," House says, wishing that he, too, were dead. I wonder if this is going to play out like that old joke about the old woman who accidentally put body glitter on her bits before seeing a gynecologist for the first time ever. I hope not. House grabs the speculum and checks the area out, noting all kinds of trauma to Old Ramona's junk. House's diagnosis is that either Ramona got a studly young boyfriend, or her old husband got a Viagra prescription. No surprise, it's the latter. Ramona says she misses the days when Myron was more flaccid and they watched Jeopardy! together. And there's no use talking a seventy-three year-old out of sex, because if Ramona doesn't put out, Myron will go to "Connnie in the corner condo" and get what he needs from her. Ramona laments that the pressure is worse than it was in high school, and I hope she doesn't mean that her lover then was also an old man with tremendous staying power. Ramona says that Connie from the corner condo is a "major-league slut," and House and the attending nurse just look at each other. The priceless expression on the nurse's face is equal parts horror, disgust, disbelief, and maybe just a little bit of hope that when she's that age, she'll be getting it that often, too. House writes out a prescription for some vaginal suppositories that should aid lubrication, since apparently, K-Y Jelly isn't for the elderly. Ramona asks House if he can give Myron a new prescription, too. Something that's a little less potent, so to speak. At the very least, something that stops working for the half-hour a day that Jeopardy! is on. Ramona tells House that he can lie and say it's better for Myron's heart, in order to convince him to take it. "Close your legs," House says. And that is why this show has a "parental discretion advised" disclaimer.

Cameron explains the EMG process to Harvey as Annette watches from outside. Cameron will insert a needle into some of Harvey's muscles and have him flex. The machine measures the electrical current that travels from the nerves to the muscles when transmitted the message to flex. Cameron says that the process can be painful, so Harvey should let her know if he needs her to "pull back." "No!" says Harvey. He settles and tells Cameron to just get started. She gives him an odd look and sticks a needle into Harvey's forearm. He gasps, but not so much in pain as pleasure. Cameron inserts the needle into another muscle, and Harvey closes his eyes and sighs happily. Ew. Ew. Ew. Not even Cameron deserves that.

The Cottages report back to House that everything came back fine except for a mitral valve prolapse they found in the echo. It explains Harvey's stroke, so the case seems to be closed. Not for Chase, though, who thinks that Harvey could have a trauma-related aneurysm, possibly caused by the chiropractor, whatever broke his jaw, or maybe Myron got confused one night and wandered into the wrong bedroom. Neither Foreman nor Cameron thinks this is very likely, and would have been caught in the angiogram besides, but Chase won't be swayed. Nor will House, who keeps ranting about how much time and money people waste on alternative medicine when they could just go to a Clinic and be seen by a guy with a record number of patient complaints against him and his students who just love to do lumbar punctures. He decides to consult the Magic Eight Ball for guidance. It goes with Foreman, as the Magic Eight Ball community has been anxious to mend its fences with the African-American community after what happened the last time the two shared camera time. House says they're going with the stroke, and tells the Cottages to start Harvey on blood thinners and antibiotics.

Chase sarcastically remarks that he really sees what Cameron see in House now: "I just want to hold him and never let go." The three walk into Harvey's room, where they see Annette taking Chase's words a little too seriously and strangling their patient. Foreman grabs Annette away from him as Cameron rushes over to make sure he's okay. Chase tells them both to settle down because this wasn't the attempted murder it appears to be. You see, Chase reluctantly explains, Annette is a "dominatrix." Cameron makes a confused face, because she always thought you were supposed to torture yourself by falling in love with a cranky old man who hates everyone, not have someone do it for you. Chase just sighs because he knows that he is going to be the butt of a lot of jokes for this.

After the commercial, House has brought Annette to Cuddy's office for a discussion with the hospital's lawyer. Annette explains that Harvey is an "asphyxiophiliac," which I was shocked to learn was not in my spellchecker. It means he likes being strangled. He likes it sexually. "That's just sick!" the lawyer spits, in shocked and horrified disgust. Apparently, he lives in the same Bubble of Innocence Cameron does. House thanks the guy for his legal advice, and Annette says that Harvey was never in mortal danger, since she was watching the monitors the whole time to make sure his oxygen didn't drop to a dangerous level. She did it to calm Harvey down, so he'd "feel in control by being controlled." "Uh..." Cuddy starts, and then realizes she doesn't know what else to say. She takes a minute, and then asks whether Harvey pays Annette for her services. Annette proudly states that Harvey does her taxes and cleans her house. House immediately jumps up, scared to hear his name mixed up with any of this crazy stuff, and leaves. Cuddy attempts to get him to stay until the meeting actually finishes, but that's not going to happen.

And now it's time for Chase: the True Hollywood Story. He says he once dated a woman who liked to be burned, which Cameron thinks is just silly. Foreman points out that Cameron is no stranger to wanting a relationship with someone that could only lead to pain. "Shut up," Cameron orders, almost sounding cool. Chase says it was a "weird scene," and then House runs in and asks Chase if he knew who Annette was and what she was into. Chase says he saw her at some "parties." "I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it," House says, and Chase rolls his eyes at the first of what will no doubt be many jokes of this nature. House tells Chase that he should have told everyone why he was so adamant about the trauma aneurysm instead of keeping it to himself, and then shows us all why Chase wanted to keep it a secret by making another joke about Chase's involvement in the S&M community. Chase tries to protest that he's not that involved with it, but House has moved on to the subject of Harvey and his care. He still wants to treat Harvey for the mitral valve/endocarditis thing, though.

An old man wanders into House's office while this is all going on, and it's...why, it's The Colonel! I'm so glad to see that Peter Graves is able to get work on shows that are actually good. It's probably because he didn't put 7th Heaven on his rsum. Or the '80s remake of Mission: Impossible. The Cottages protest that they want to go with Chase's diagnosis in light of the new evidence and schedule Harvey for brain surgery. House wants to go with Foreman's now-lesser-likely diagnosis first though, because if they go for the aneurysm and it's actually the heart valve, Harvey will die. On the other hand, if they treat the mitral valve and it's actually an aneurysm, he'll live. I love that their game plan is now based on being wrong. Decision made, House enters his office and asks The Colonel what he wants. The Colonel says that Ramona sent him in for a refill, since his "wood" is "beginning to droop." His index finger serves as a visual illustration of this, but I am not able to see it since I have my eyes tightly closed, my fingers in my ears, and am singing loudly, as I am wont to do whenever I have to hear about the state of an old man's penis. Especially when Peter Graves is the old man. This really is the one time where 7th Heaven, in its infinite wisdom not to expose us to this subject matter, compares favorably to House. The Colonel says that Ramona told him that House wanted to talk to him, but House says he doesn't, and gives The Colonel his prescription so that he can be done with this couple. But The Colonel wants to talk to House anyway, because he doesn't know "how much more of this" he can take. It's really messing with his golf swing. I...don't want to know if that's because he doesn't have time to practice, or because having a constant erection has thrown things out of alignment; either way, I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to take those pills around the clock as that statement would indicate he's doing. House tells The Colonel to go talk to his freaking wife already and tell her the truth, but The Colonel says that Ramona has a "big appetite," and he's afraid he'll lose her if he can't satisfy it. House just stares. The Colonel asks for directions to the hospital pharmacy. House volunteers to take him there, since he's got the route memorized.

The Colonel stands by while House gets his prescription filled at the pharmacy. The pharmacist tries not to pass out from shock when House doesn't ask for Vicodin, but instead for any blue pill he has that isn't Viagra.

And then Cuddy comes around the corner to discuss the latest hospital gossip she heard. Apparently, House and Cameron are going on a date. "It's purely business," House says. And right here, I was expecting the pharmacist to give House a bottle full of blue pills that would indicate that his statement was a lie, but no. Cuddy says that she thinks House's date will be a good thing, because she apparently likes opening the hospital up to possible sexual harassment lawsuits and all the other complications that are bound to arise when a boss dates his employee. She tells House that he shouldn't wall himself off from the dating scene just because of "what happened" during his last relationship five years ago. "If only I was [sic] as open as you," House says. Cuddy falls right into this trap and starts to tell House about some support group he can join or something, but then House adds that he was talking about her shirt. Cuddy just smiles hugely and says that Cameron might be the only woman on this planet who can tolerate House. "Wear the sky blue shirt. It almost makes you look nice," she advises. If House has to date someone on this show, why can't it be Cuddy? They're great together.

Chase checks on Harvey, who complains that Annette isn't allowed to enter the hospital. Chase tells him that Annette is lucky she wasn't arrested, and asks Harvey to squeeze his hands. Harvey's right side isn't working too well.

Chase tells House and the Cottages that the blood thinners aren't working, and that Harvey is now having mini-strokes. House says that they'll have to take him off the blood thinners, then, and get him ready for the aneurysm surgery. "You could not have been wronger," he tells Foreman, who just laughs and points out that he wanted to go with Chase's idea. House ignores this and tells Chase and Foreman to get things ready for Harvey's surgery. They're off, leaving House and Cameron together. House expresses his annoyance at Cameron's inability to keep a secret, and she says she didn't see "any reason" to keep quiet. Apparently, the appearance of impropriety no longer counts as a reason. Cameron asks House where he's planning on taking her on their date tomorrow so that she can dress appropriately. Should she wear her fancy bustier-vest with the lacy frills, or her more casual one? House says they're going to a paintball tournament. Cameron says that doesn't count as a date, even though she was all about going to the monster truck jam and should have seen this coming. Plus, a paintball tournament sounds like a lot of fun. House admits that he actually made a reservation at Caf Italianfood and suggests spandex as a wardrobe option, which is hilarious, although I'm not quite sure why. Cameron giggles because she knows she can fashion some old bicycle shorts into a nice fitted bustier-vest and might even have time to add a few sequins for a touch of kicky fun!

Chase tells Harvey about the surgery, blaming his current health problems on those multiple strangulations. Harvey starts to whine that his parents were right about him being a loser, and says he needs to talk to Annette. She won't answer his calls, and he starts to cry like a baby. Chase looks around to make sure no one's watching, and walks to the side of Harvey's bed. He makes an adorable stern face and orders Harvey to sign the consent form. It doesn't work.

In the meeting room, Cameron suggests giving Harvey antidepressants, but Chase says he's been sneaking them into Harvey's applesauce and they haven't started working yet. Nor will they for a couple weeks, and even then, they're only supposed to work if there's a chemical imbalance for them to fix. Cameron needs to stop letting those Zoloft commercials with the sad rock form her medical opinions. House's idea is to have someone order Harvey to sign the consent form, so Chase has to admit that he already tried it and it failed. House takes a second to push the thirty million sarcastic responses that just entered his brain back out of it, and says they'll have to get Annette back in the hospital. This task shall be given to Chase, as House says that if he gets caught, he'll have the fun of experiencing Cuddy's punishment hairbrush.

Foreman and Chase sneak Annette in. Harvey's happy to see her, but Annette is all business. She throws her coat down and tells Harvey that he has been bad and he needs to sign the form. But Harvey just laughs at her and calls her names. Foreman asks Chase, the expert, if this is part of "their deal" or something else. Annette says it's something else. Harvey starts screaming and tries to hit Annette, who leaps back. Chase and Foreman restrain Harvey until he has a stroke and crashes.

The lawyer is back in Cuddy's office (although it's more likely that he never left), and accusing House of now being responsible for two of Harvey's strokes. He isn't particularly eager to let them whisk Harvey into surgery, since he expressly said he did not want it before he went into a coma. House says that they'll just get a court order, then, and the lawyer says that will require an affidavit from Harvey's of kin. Whoops! There is none. The lawyer says they'll need to prove that with a death certificate or a published obituary.

House and the Cottages are having trouble finding Harvey's parents' death certificates. House points out how odd it is that Harvey lives in a bad part of town after having gotten an inheritance from his two accountant parents. "Maybe they were bad accountants," Cameron says, since she knows all about highly-trained professionals who aren't very good at their jobs. House doubts that two people "from the Pacific Rim" could be bad at their jobs, and he really needs to stop with the Asian stereotyping. Even if it's positive, it's still racism. Chase catches onto House's point quickly and says that Harvey's parents could be alive and just cut him off when they found out about his love of strangulation. House orders Chase and Cameron to Harvey's apartment to try to find his parents' address, leaving Foreman to follow him into his office.

Foreman wants to talk. He tells House that Cameron is a friend of his, and that this whole dating thing -- "time's up!" says House. Obviously, that's not going to deter Foreman, who says he knows a lot more about the dating scene and about male-female relationships than House does. House says he has malt liquor in the trunk and some Marvin Gaye in his car, so he's all set for the night. Foreman sits on top of House's TV, blocking his view on General Hospital, and tells House just to be his usual asshole self on this date so that Cameron doesn't fall for him. "Some relationships aren't meant to happen," adds Foreman, who really should have said this to the shows' writers a few weeks ago. It's too little, too late now.

Chase and Cameron check out Harvey's apartment, which isn't the slum I was expecting when they talked about how he lived on the wrong side of town. It's a huge loft with a closet full of S&M gear. Chase checks it all out while Cameron finds Harvey's yearbook. She asks Chase to pry himself away from the leather goodies so that they can check the yearbook out together. Chase does a quick breath check so that he can smell that it's bad and want to take a few packages of Tic-Tacs from a drawer full of them in the middle of Harvey's closet of pain. I was expecting them to be the Cinnamon flavor, which is the most painful of all Tic-Tacs flavors, but they appear to be simple Wintergreen and Spearmint. This, of course, is all beside the point that it is FUCKING INSANE to eat Tic-Tacs found in a drawer in a punishment closet.

The Cottages have set up a call center in the meeting room. They each cold-call random people who might know Harvey, and then Chase hits the motherlode, literally: Harvey's parents. Unfortunately, as soon as they hear whom the call is about, they hang up on him. House grabs the phone and calls back as Chase downs a few Tic-Tacs. House informs Mr. Park that his son is dead and that they need him to come down to identify the body as required by law. The Cottages like this plan, although Cameron points out that Harvey's parents will be showing up at the morgue. "Let me know when Cuddy starts screaming," House says, grabbing the Tics-Tacs out of Chase's hand. Chase takes the second pack out of his pocket, all proud of himself for having predicted that that would happen and prepared for it.

Cuddy is livid. The Parks are in her office, along with that lawyer. House says that Harvey isn't exactly dead yet, but that he will be soon enough, so it won't be a wasted trip. Ma Park threatens to call a lawyer, which House is fine with as long as they sign the surgery consent form. Ma Park responds by whipping out a cell phone and calling her lawyer. Cuddy softens her tone and says that they must care about their own son enough to sign something that will prevent his death. Pa Park says that everyone found out about Harvey's "perversion," and they were humiliated. I really, really want to know what happened that made all of the Parkrents' friends, neighbors, and co-workers find out about Harvey's proclivities, but it isn't explained. House figures that the Parkrents don't get off on embarrassment the way their son does, which does little to make anyone feel better. The lawyer gives up and outright asks the Parkrents how much money it will take for them to forget about this and go away. House interrupts the negotiations to say that he's pretty sure letting your own son die looks a lot worse to outsiders than his love of S&M. And House will make damn sure every Asian knows about it because he'll put a sign broadcasting the fact in "every nail salon and dumpling shop" in the state. Cuddy rolls her eyes, wondering how something that started so well had to end with the race thing. Ma Park hangs up the phone and signs the consent. House says that the surgery will be tomorrow morning, and apologizes for the "dumplings" cheap shot. Yes, well, the nail salon comment wasn't your most shining moment either, House.