By Sara M
A hot young interracial married couple fight off attackers during a diner robbery before the wife, Tracy, collapses and her throat closes up. She's admitted to PPTH, where her doctor cares more about whether or not his best friend is dating the new nurse than he does about curing her. Then the husband, Jeremy, gets sick with the same symptoms. House, meanwhile, mixes things up with a Clinic patient who literally has a stick up his ass. The patient demands that House apologize for being rude to him, but, of course, House won't do it. When the couple's condition worsens, House thinks a biopsy of comatose Tracy's brainstem is the only thing that will tell them what's wrong, but Jeremy refuses to consent to it, because it will probably cause brain damage, and he doesn't want that to happen to Tracy. He tells them to biopsy his brain instead, but he doesn't have the same lesions that she does and they don't have time to wait for him to develop them. Meanwhile, his intestines disintegrate. Things look grim until Foreman tells the group that Jeremy's father was a pill-popping alcoholic racist who attacked Jeremy when he found out about his relationship with the black -door neighbor. That's when House realizes that Jeremy's dad may not be a racist after all -- in fact, he's such a fan of interracial relationships that he had one himself. With Tracy's mother. And then Tracy was born nine months later. The good news is, this enables the team to figure out that Jeremy and Tracy have the same hereditary genetic disease that caused Jeremy's father to pop all those pills. The bad news is, it means that Jeremy and Tracy are half-siblings. Ew. Ew. Ew. Foreman shows us his Cameron side and consoles Jeremy instead of spending the night with his newest girlfriend -- the new nurse who House thought Wilson was dating. House spends his night in jail after being pulled over and arrested for possession by a familiar cop with a stick up his ass.
Sitting in your typical grungy diner, a sick-looking guy coughs to fake us out. Then, with his partner's clever "time to make the donuts" throwback to Dunkin' Donuts commercials circa 1988, the two hold the place up, even though there is a considerable number of patrons and employees there. I would have waited until the wee morning hours when the place was a bit emptier, but that's me. Anyway, my newly favorite patron mutters a surprised "oh!" at this, which I love because it's probably the same reaction I'd have, and everyone is ordered to remove their wallets and jewelry and then sent to the back room -- except for the guy's pretty female dining partner, who is told she can stay to presumably get raped. The guy I liked, named Jeremy, has much more of a reaction to this than he did to the robbery itself, stepping forward to try to stop the robbers, who point their weapons at him, while the girl, his wife, begs Jeremy not to interfere. He agrees not to, but when the fakeout sick guys starts coughing again, he uses the distraction to go all A History of Violence on the robbers, nailing one guy on the head with a napkin holder and then tackling the coughing guy and slamming his head on the floor. The short-order cook stops Jeremy and points to the girl, Tracy, who is having some sort of asthma attack. The Magic Schoolbus Cam zooms down her throat until it closes in our face.
After the credits, House scoffs at the fact that his new patient is married at the tender age of twenty. He's even more upset to see Wilson flirting with Wendy, the new pediatric nurse, out in the hallway, and leaves the meeting room to butt into Wilson and Wendy's conversation. He's quick to tell Wendy that Wilson once sawed his cane in half just to make Wilson look like an asshole, and Wendy says that House is "everything [she] heard." Whoever told Wendy about House gave her a very accurate impression indeed, as she gets out of there as fast as she can. House tells Wilson that he's headed for another bad relationship with a "naughty nurse," who didn't seem all that naughty to me, but Wilson says that he isn't interested in a relationship with Wendy. "You're lying to me. That's interesting," House says. Eh, sometimes yes, sometimes no.
House heads back to the meeting room and talks about Wilson and Wendy some more until Cameron insists on actually talking about their case, which is quite a change for her. Maybe she's jealous that House is jealous. Her co-workers don't have her same zest for work, though, and Foreman says House should just trust that Wilson isn't with Wendy. House says that Wendy has been hanging around their hallway recently and being in a relationship with Wilson is the only explanation. Well, she certainly wouldn't be hanging out in the cancer ward, since Wilson is never there because he never does his job. House says Wilson must be "hitting that," but Cameron says no. "I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot," she deadpans. This gets some wonderful surprised/interested looks from all the guys and I have to say, whoever wants me to like Cameron is certainly doing a good job of it.
The conversation finally gets back on track, and the crew wonders what could cause Tracy's throat to swell and give her belly pain. Catching something from the coughing robber is thrown out because he is perfectly healthy except for the fractured skull Jeremy gave him and shall never be heard from again. Chase finds pot on Tracy's tox screen and says that the smoke could explain the throat swelling and salmonella from the weed would explain the stomach pain. No, no, no, Chase -- we've already done the bad weed episode. Foreman calls Chase's theory "a stretch," but since no one has any better ideas, House orders them to start treating Tracy for the salmonella they have absolutely no proof she has.
As for House, he has Clinic duty, much to my delight. David Morse is his latest patient, and he's not a happy chappy. Morse complains that he's been waiting two hours to see a doctor. Obviously, David Morse has never been to a free clinic before or he would know how lucky he is to only have to wait two hours. Of course, House doesn't care. He orders David Morse to drop trou, takes a quick look at his wang, and says that David Morse does not have an infection; the nicotine gum he's been chewing has dried things out a bit, causing some "wear and tear." House tells him to lube it up time or try foreplay. David Morse insists on a test, but House says that he's already "used this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots" and downs a few pills. David Morse is different than House's usual Clinic patient, though, and doesn't simply accept House's diagnosis and simper off. "You're rude," he says. "Wow, you're like a detective or something!" House retorts. Oh, how right you are, House. But we won't know that until the end of the episode. For all we know now, David Morse might as well be a psychiatrist, as he launches into a psychoanalysis of House that would make Wilson proud. Basically, House is alone and bitter and tries to make everyone around him feel the same way, blah blah blah. When House moves to leave, David Morse kicks his cane out from under him. "You treat people like jerks, you get treated like a jerk," he says. House studies him, and then does the swab David Morse requested to test for infection. "Thank you," David Morse says, all proud of himself for getting his way. Not that I think he's being entirely out of line here -- when it comes to penises, men tend to be very cautious about them and demand the best care. Which doesn't explain why he's going to a Free Clinic and not, say, his actual doctor. But House isn't done yet -- "bend over," he orders. As long as he's testing for an infection, he'll need to take David's temperature, but he can't do it orally because the nicotine gum affects the results somehow. So he'll have to do it anally. Oh, fun.
House leaves David with the thermometer in his ass and heads out. He tells Not Evil Nurse Brenda that he'll be leaving early today, tosses David's swab in a trashcan I'm guessing is not used to collect samples for the lab, and says that he has the nagging feeling he's forgetting something. Not as nagging as the feeling David Morse is probably getting. In his ass.
Meanwhile, Foreman tells Tracy and Jeremy about the pot salmonella theory, which Jeremy hotly denies, saying they don't smoke the massive amounts of pot they'd have to for Tracy's throat to swell like that. Foreman wants Jeremy to leave so he can talk to Tracy alone, but Jeremy and Tracy see through this ploy and won't do it. Tracy assures Foreman that they don't smoke weed very often, but if Foreman thinks the antibiotics are a good idea, he can go ahead and administer them. And that is how the Superbug will eventually rise up and kill us all. Three seconds into her antibiotics treatment, Tracy gets a rash on her IV arm.
House is pleased about the rash because it indicates that Tracy has some bad allergies, which might have been what caused her throat to swell up. The salmonella pot theory, he says, was just a stretch that he didn't take very seriously. Poor Chase. House orders Chase and Foreman to test Tracy for exercise-based anaphylaxis by giving her the same food she ate at the diner and then sticking her on a treadmill to see if her throat closes up again. He bets a skeptical Foreman a hundred dollars they'll get a response.
Sure enough, poor Tracy is suffering while she runs on the treadmill. "My stomach really hurts!" she whines. Well, of course it does -- everyone knows you shouldn't run after you eat or you'll get cramps. Jeremy wants them to stop, but Foreman says that they can't until the test is complete. Jeremy works himself into a rage until his stomach hurts, too.
Back from commercial, Jeremy and Tracy are both patients, and Foreman has to pay House a hundred dollars at Chase the suck-up's urging. After all, the treadmill test did get a response; they never specified from who. Meanwhile, House has borrowed Cameron's stethoscope to open someone's locker. It's Wendy's locker, of course, and the Cottages lamely protest this incredible invasion of her privacy but go along with it anyway while House searches through Wendy's things. Foreman says Wilson and Wendy aren't dating, and even bets him two hundred dollars they aren't. Meanwhile, Cameron is trying to actually take care of their patients, but House keeps interrupting her with locker finds. A pamphlet to some jazz festival in the Poconos is proof enough for Chase that Wendy and Wilson are dating, since Wilson likes jazz and Wendy doesn't appear to have a great enough fondness for music to want to go to the jazz festival unless her boyfriend was going. How does Chase know that Wilson likes jazz, anyway? Maybe they listen to it together when they're in the Plot Basement.
Foreman and Chase are sent to check the couple's apartment for environmental causes for their illness. Chase notes how tiny the place is, as people who grow up with money never have to live in studio apartments and therefore can make such judgments. He also finds some condoms in Jeremy's clothes, which is odd since she's on birth control. Maybe Jeremy is just trying to keep it real and dress like Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez back in the day, but I doubt it. Foreman doesn't want to tell House about this, since he'll just assume that Jeremy is cheating on Tracy and ruin their marriage. But Chase says that Jeremy could have given Tracy an STD, so they'll have to tell House about it.
Foreman, the champion of young love for some reason this week, tries to convince House that some people use both birth control and condoms to be extra safe, which House, like Chase, very much doubts. He says that kids are "idiots," which is why we don't let them drink or vote or work in salt mines. I didn't know you had to be especially intelligent to work in salt mines. And Jeremy and Tracy are twenty, so they actually can vote. Anyway, House orders Foreman and Chase to swab Jeremy and Tracy's privates. Hopefully, they won't follow their bosses example and leave thermometers in their asses. When they go to do the tests, Tracy asks if this is because they found Jeremy's condoms. It turns out that Foreman was right: they were being extra-cautious after Tracy had a late period last month and freaked out. Chase and Foreman still want to test for STDs, though. Jeremy angrily says they're just doing this because he's white and Tracy's black. Other blacks, Jeremy says, glaring at Foreman, are especially judgmental of them. Hey, Jeremy, maybe they're not judging you for being white, but because you're kind of whiny and have an attitude.
The test results come back, and Jeremy and Tracy are STD-free. House is more interested in busting on Foreman for having a problem with interracial couples, which he knows since Chase went and tattled to him about what Jeremy said. Foreman denies this, although he does admit that he tends to date inside his race.
House reports to Cuddy's office. She's absolutely furious with him for leaving a patient with a thermometer up his ass and orders him to apologize to David Morse. Making fun of patients is one thing, Cuddy says; shoving things into their rectum is quite another! House would rather bug her about being pregnant and is sent off.
Tracy sleeps fitfully. She wakes up to see Jeremy's father standing over her, ordering her to stay away from his son. He then grabs Jeremy's arm and twists it, and Tracy screams. This alerts Foreman outside, and he runs in to find Tracy in the middle of a hallucination. Then she goes into a coma. One of those creepy ones with her eyes half-open, too.
Coma Tracy goes into the MRI of DOOOM, which is actually being handled by someone who appears to be qualified (a.k.a. none of the cast members), so it probably won't kill her. This time. Foreman tells Jeremy that Tracy's brain is slowly shutting down. Jeremy's stomach pain is getting worse, so Foreman ups his morphine. Amazingly, he's still not too doped up to talk, and asks Foreman if the content of Tracy's hallucination could help them diagnose her. Foreman says that it probably won't. Then again, it might...so Jeremy tells Foreman that Tracy thought she saw Jeremy's father, a "drunk, pill-popping racist," who caught Jeremy sneaking into Tracy's house when they were thirteen year-old -door neighbors. Jeremy's dad broke Jeremy's arm and threatened Tracy, and then Jeremy and Tracy ran away together when they were sixteen. And yet, they somehow still managed to graduate high school and go to college. This program is doing for teenage runaways what Gilmore Girls did for teenage mothers. Anyway, Jeremy's dad killed himself sometime after that. Foreman says that he thought black people were the ones who hated interracial relationships. Jeremy does not appreciate the callback.
The MRI shows problems all over Tracy's brain stem. The doctors aren't sure whetehr they're looking at tumors, plaques, edemas or what, though. Why do they even do MRIs on this show? They never, ever give them enough information to be of any use. At least they've ruled out both an infection and environmental causes -- or have they? House says that sarcoidosis has at least two environmental causes. Maybe there's a third one they don't know about yet, and that's what's killing Jeremy and Tracy. He offers up the slightly enlarged lymph nodes in Jeremy's chest and the fact that Tracy got worse when they took her off the steroids as proof of this, but Cameron points out that it doesn't explain Tracy's throat swelling, nor is there any of the tell-tale lung scarring. House says that he'll have to consult a specialist.
House takes his X-rays and MRIs and balconies over to Wilson's office. Wilson doesn't have much to say about the films, but there's a third object in the pile House gave him -- Wendy's personnel file. House says the file shows that Wendy is all wrong for Wilson, because House only sees what he wants to see. Wilson accuses House of meddling in his affairs because he doesn't want Wilson to have a good relationship that would take him away from House. And that does seem to be true, though why House would want to hang out with Wilson -- who only a few episodes ago was plotting to conceal information from him -- is beyond me. House brings up the Poconos to see if Wilson has any reaction to that, but Wilson doesn't seem to know what House is talking about. He says Tracy doesn't have sarcoidosis, according to the films. So House, of course, tells the Cottages that Wilson said it was sarcoidosis and orders a biopsy on Tracy's brain stem to be sure, because House only does tests to be sure of things when those tests are incredibly dangerous, like this one is. "Brain damage is not only possible -- it's likely!" Chase protests. Cameron the Good points out that Jeremy has to sign the consent form and he has a conflict of interest, as a biopsy on Tracy would also benefit him. "I can't let you do this," Cameron says. "How are you gonna stop me?" House asks. "Call Cuddy?"
Well, yeah. Cameron's done it before and she does it again. Cuddy says that Jeremy does indeed have a conflict of interest, and she won't let House do the brain biopsy until they get Tracy a guardian ad litem. House protests that that could take days, which they don't have. Cuddy tries to take the stairs to escape House, but he calls her back and says that Tracy will die without the biopsy. Cuddy says that she has to protect the hospital from being sued, but she does agree to let Wilson talk to Jeremy, since he's apparently better at it and less likely to get the hospital sued. If, that is, House apologizes to David Morse. House says he will, but you know he won't.
Wilson talks to Jeremy. It turns out that Jeremy's conflict of interest is different than expected -- he loves Tracy more than himself and won't let them do something to her that could give her brain damage. Instead, he tells them to do the biopsy on him. Wilson points out that the disease isn't in Jeremy's brain yet, so the biopsy would be pointless. Jeremy says that it will reach his brain eventually, and if they stop treating him it will progress even faster. House is majorly pissed about this turn of events, which he thinks will doom both of his patients.
House tells the Cottages to stop giving Jeremy morphine, because drugs cloud people's judgment and because House is mad at him and wants him to be punished. "Uh...no," Foreman says. House takes off and the Cottages exchange looks. They find him looking through drawers full of medical things. He tosses an opiate blocker to Cameron and tells her to shoot Jeremy up with it. The Cottages protest that this would be torture, and Foreman and Cameron are too ethical to do it while Chase says he's too scared of being sued. Ha! Even Chase knows he's a scaredy-cat suck-up. Foreman makes House give him the opiate blocker before he leaves the room. A few moments later, Foreman actually reads the canister and realizes that it's not the opiate blocker after all -- House figured they'd try to stop him so he stuck both an opiate blocker and atrophine in his pocket. He gave Foreman the atropine and kept the opiate blocker. Foreman runs off to stop him, while Chase praises House's cleverness. It must be hard for him to speak with his lips so firmly attached to House's ass like that.
By the time Foreman reaches House, he's already shot Jeremy up. While Jeremy suffers, House accuses him of either poisoning his wife or being a moron, the only two reasons not to let them do the brain biopsy. Foreman gets a tranquilizer to put Jeremy out until his morphine starts to work again. Jeremy says that he doesn't care about the pain, since it means that he's getting worse and therefore closer to the brain biopsy that will save his wife. "I'd die for her!" he says.
House goes to see Cuddy about a court ordered brain stem biopsy, but she has something to show him in her office first. It's a trick! David Morse, now introduced properly as Michael Tritter, is there, waiting for his apology. Cuddy leaves them to talk things out. Tritter says that he'd rather beat the crap out of House than sue him, and House doesn't really care. I don't really, either, and I'm starting to have Vogler flashbacks. Tritter continues that House is a bully, and making him apologize would be humiliating for him and make him think twice before treating future patients like crap. Oh, give it a freaking rest, Michael Tritter! So he made you sit around for a while with a thermometer in your ass. Who cares? Is it really worth all this time and aggravation? It certainly isn't to House, who refuses to apologize and says that he only wishes he had left a bigger thermometer in Tritter's ass. I don't think he'd be able to fit it -- there's a sizable stick up Tritter's ass already.
Foreman and Chase tell House that Jeremy's brain is fine, but his intestines are rotting. Which means it's not sarcoidosis after all.
How could The Rich List be "the most anticipated game show of the year" if I've never heard of it until this commercial?
Tracy's brain is getting worse and Jeremy's intestines are falling apart. Chase says Jeremy's high levels of lactic acid point to ischemic bowels, which will have to be removed. Cameron guesses vasculitis was the cause of the ischemic bowels. Foreman says that they might be looking at two different diseases and an amazing coincidence. He guesses that Tracy has some disease I can't find on the internet and isn't important anyway since she doesn't have it. House agrees to treat Tracy for that and remove Jeremy's bowel, but doesn't seem very happy about it or convinced that they're right. It's always good to do major surgery on an already-sick patient when you aren't sure if it's necessary but have run out of options.
Foreman removes the dead bowel and biopsies it, only to find that the bowel isn't dead after all. They only assumed it was because of the high amounts of lactic acid in Jeremy's bloodwork. So they removed it for no reason. Oops! Guess the hospital will be getting sued after all. Sorry, Cuddy!
Foreman has the decency to look ashamed of this while House tells them to start over again and differentially diagnose Tracy and Jeremy anew. Chase wants to test for more STDs, but Foreman won't believe it. He's a super-romantic in this episode, and exposits that Tracy is Jeremy's only girlfriend ever and they grew up door to each other. This gets House's attention. He asks why Jeremy and Tracy ran away when they were sixteen. Foreman says they were trying to escape Jeremy's evil pill-popping racist dad, only to end up in a hospital with one for a doctor. House wonders whether Jeremy's dad didn't want him to date black girls in general, or if it was this one black girl in particular. A black girl with beautiful green eyes. He thinks Tracy and Jeremy have hereditary angioedema, which causes edemas to form in various parts of the body, like Tracy's brainstem and throat and Jeremy's bowels. Chase points out that the disease is extremely rare, and the chances of two non-related people who have it growing up to each other are very, very slim. House says those chances get much better if the two people are related, and points out that Tracy and Jeremy both have the same green eyes. Oh, no. Tracy and Jeremy are half-siblings, Tracy being the product of an affair her mother had with Jeremy's father. And Jeremy's father has hereditary angioedema and apparently decided not to tell anyone else about it. That's why he was always popping those pills. He also didn't want to tell anyone that Tracy was his daughter and chose to break Jeremy's arm for seeing her instead and letting everyone chalk that up to racism. But he wasn't a racist -- on the contrary, he loved black people. Unfortunately for Jeremy. And then he killed himself because he couldn't live with the guilt and didn't see fit to leave a revealing suicide note. House says they don't have time to test for this, so they should start treating Tracy and Jeremy and see what happens. No one seems too happy about House's diagnostic miracle, not even House. Wow. I'll tell you, I did not see the incest thing coming. Damn.
The Cottages administer drugs to Tracy and Jeremy. Cameron mutters that it might be better if Tracy just stays in her coma. And I think I'm going to have to agree with her here. Finding out that you're married to your half-brother has got to be worse than being in a coma. Worse than that, of course, would be finding out you were married to your full brother. And you had kids with him. Ew ew ew ew! Sure enough, Tracy and Jeremy wake up at the same time. The treatment has worked. Jeremy is thrilled that his wife is getting better. Everyone else is totally grossed out. Leave it to this show to finally portray a loving couple and then make them related to each other. The writers hate love.
House is positively giddy that he'll get to tell the young lovers that they're related. Foreman is hoping they'll be able to keep it from them forever, saying that there probably won't be any complications if they have inbred children (aside from the hereditary angioedema I'm assuming they'll pass on), but House rightly says that it's Tracy and Jeremy's decision to make.
Foreman tells the couple that they didn't catch the disease from each other. It's a very rare genetic disease, and "there's no good reason two unrelated people would get it," as Foreman clumsily explains. Tracy starts to catch on, but Jeremy's still clueless. Foreman says they'll need to take a DNA test, because he thinks they have the same father. Jeremy won't believe it, but Tracy does. I think she's always had a feeling that her father wasn't her biological one, and says that it explains her green eyes and light skin. Tracy reacts pretty naturally, holding her stomach and being generally horrified. What else can you do, really? Take a lot of showers and get a therapist and an annulment, I suppose. Jeremy just keeps shaking his head. Foreman says they might genetically be siblings, but they aren't really, since they didn't grow up as siblings. It doesn't have to change the way they feel about each other. "You guys just met and fell in love," Foreman says. Yeah, except that they met about the same time siblings would, seeing as they grew up door to each other. But I see what he's saying. Then Foreman realizes that he's being a total Cameron and has to leave the room before he grows some cute bangs.
That night, Foreman is upset both about ruining two people's lives and the fact that that no one else seems to be. When Chase asks him if he can take a few of his on-call hours this weekend, Foreman says he'll be out of town. This gets House's interest, because he realizes that Wilson isn't dating Wendy after all -- Foreman is. He likes jazz, too. House has to pay his bet to Foreman, who goes out in the hall to make out with Wendy and then ask her if she really likes jazz or just wanted to spend time with him in the Poconos. She admits she just wanted to spend time with him, and Foreman's probably happy about since the less they have in common, the less likely it is that they're related to each other.
On his way out, Foreman sees Jeremy sitting alone in his room and goes to say hello. Jeremy says Tracy got her own room. Hopefully there's a phone in that room that she can use to call her mother and give her a huge piece of her mind. Poor Jeremy is really sad. Foreman offers to hang out with Jeremy for a while if he wants the company. He does. Aw. We won't find out what happens to the couple after this, so feel free to imagine that the DNA test came back negative and the green eyes and hereditary angioedema were just a coincidence after all. I will, because I liked that couple and I don't even want to fathom how one would deal with finding out that his spouse was his secret half-sibling. I guess that's why you shouldn't marry young. Give the hereditary diseases time to show themselves.
Wilson goes home to a hotel room. Alone.
Cuddy's not pregnant. She's upset about that. I'm not.
House rides off on his motorcycle. He's pulled over by an unmarked police car. Unmarked because the cop in it is a plainclothes detective. Turns out that Tritter is a detective after all, and House was going 40 in a 25 mph zone. Also there is apparently no other crime going on in Princeton right now. House stupidly has no ID on him. Tritter also noticed that House took a pill when he was examining him. He wonders if House is on something right now. House starts to get worried. Tritter says House's pupils are dilated, which apparently gives him the right to search House's pockets. Sure enough, he finds some pills and wonders if House has a prescription for them. Probably not, seeing as the last time we saw him get a prescription, he had forged it using Wilson's pad. Tritter puts House under arrest for possession of narcotics. You can be as arrogant and bullying as you want to everyone else, but you should never fuck with the ultimate bully: a cop.