In an episode told through flashbacks-within-flashbacks that make a pretty simple and uninteresting story seem much more exciting and mysterious, House ignores his lung-coughing-up patient because Cuddy is mad at him for being, basically, himself. To prove that he isn't selfish and that he does care about her, House steals Cuddy's laptop and hacks into it to read her private journal, where he finds out that she wants Rachel to get into Brye Park's preschool. He asks the Chairman of the Board to pull some strings to accomplish this, and the Chairman asks House for a favor in return: to speak at the fifth grade's career day. Because House is House, this all goes terribly wrong and House ends up sitting outside the principal's office getting relationship advice from two ridiculously precocious students. In the end, House's efforts may not get Rachel into Brye Park, but it does get him his sucker of a girlfriend back. And we all get to see just how far this show has sunk since Season One's "Three Stories."
We open on a school playground, where tragedy is no doubt about to befall an innocent child. A girl passes a note to a boy, Zack, who must be popular and cool because he's the quarterback of his recess football team and has silly Bieber hair. As the recess bell rings, Zack meets with another girl, Colleen, behind the school. She has a black eye of doom, and so will probably start vomiting blood soon. Zack asks what Colleen wanted to talk to him about. Colleen says she's "ready." If those kids are having sex, I am going to be upset. But no, it's much more innocent: her first kiss! Just as she's about to get it, they both get busted by the playground aide and sent to the principal's office. But they're not alone; there is another naughty little boy waiting on the bench outside the principal's office: House. He greets the children by wondering who put sand in the recess lady's vagina. And Cuddy leaves this man alone with her daughter.
Hey, remember in Season One when "Three Stories" blew our minds? Well, now it's Season Seven and this show doesn't know what it's doing anymore, so we get this episode, which tries so hard to recapture the show's magic but serves only to remind us of how much it has lost. Three days earlier, House and Foreman walk into a dorm room, much to the surprise of the two students who live there. Foreman looks around for toxins, while House asks the nerdier-looking roommate to help him hack into a computer. He explains that they are their sick roommate's doctors, and their roommate's seemingly simple case of bronchitis has caused him to cough up a lung. Literally. House, suddenly sporting an impressive gold watch so you know for sure that we're in fantasy land here, takes a sip of the nerdy guy's soda and then shoots the other roommate when the nerd protests.
He's about to shoot the nerd in the face when, suddenly, it's two hours earlier and House is in a classroom, telling children lies for as Brye Park Elementary School's Career Day speaker. Way to vet your guests there, supposedly exclusive private school. Doesn't House have, like, a criminal record or something? And a history of mental issues? His story has been interrupted by a student who says he knows House is lying because doctors don't carry guns, shoot people, or search people's homes (well... ), plus House just told them the plot of Pulp Fiction, which the child has seen because his parents are clearly idiots.
On the principal's office bench, we see that House is regaling the unfortunate couple with the story of the story, and Zack interrupts to ask if it was Timmy Morgan who called him out, knowing that Timmy is "totally obsessed with old movies." House says Pulp Fiction is not an old movie. Sadly, it was made before these kids were even born. Colleen and Zack demand to know what House did to get sent to the principal's office. House deflects by asking Colleen how she got the black eye. Zack says that's none of House's business, then decides to use House's curiosity against him and make a deal: they'll tell House how Colleen got the black eye if House tells them how a grown man who isn't even a student at their school can get sent to the principal's office.
Back in the classroom, House admits that he didn't shoot anyone; he just wanted to make his Career Day story more exciting. He says the part where they broke into a patient's home was actually true, and that they have to do this so that the patient doesn't try to hide anything from them and keep them from figuring out what's killing him. A little girl, Tiffany, asks why a patient would try to hide something from his doctors, especially if it could kill him. House explains that people are morons. The children are aghast to hear an adult talk this way. House continues that everybody lies, and some smart-mouth kid named Gabe says if everyone lies, then House must be lying right now. House says he didn't say everyone lies all the time and he'd like to sit down and be done with this now. The teacher, who is an idiot and can't quit when she's ahead, asks if "Dr. Hourani" could tell the kids what he actually does for a living first. Perhaps he could walk them through a "routine physical?" Well, this isn't going to go well at all.
Sure enough, House is examining a woman's nether regions, which she complains feel numb. House figures that after 12 years of marriage and 6 children, she's has to use a very powerful vibrator to get off. Aaaand then we're back in the classroom, as the teacher cuts House off like three minutes too late. House figures he's done for the day at this point, but this teacher is an idiot, so she once again asks House to walk the kids through a typical day at his job and some of the other patients he sees with more family-friendly ailments. House says he usually only sees one patient a day. The teacher finally gets the hint and says they'll hear from someone else, then. But now the kids want to know what House does the rest of the day when he isn't seeing his one patient, and he apparently can't resist telling them.
House invites Cuddy out to lunch. Cuddy claims she's too busy with her administratorly things. House asks if they can just have sex, then, or perhaps a "small tossed salad." Ew. And the way he said it made that even creepier. Cuddy says she's on a diet "as of this morning." Looks like House blew it again! He follows Cuddy into her office and refuses to let her on her conference call until she tells him what her problem is. Cuddy slams the phone down on House's hand and lays into him, calling him "the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the face of the planet." House is shocked and speechless. Cuddy isn't. She says she's sick of him and they are over. In the classroom, the kids wonder when they'll hear about actual doctor stuff. House asks if there are any questions. There is one: the big kid in the back row, Alex, wants to know what a vibrator is. I'm pretty sure the Pulp Fiction kid knows the answer to that.
After the break, we're outside the principal's office again because Colleen wants to know why Cuddy was so mad at House. House says that doesn't matter, but Colleen, speaking like no child ever has or ever will, says that not only does it matter to House's story, but it's also the only thing that does matter. Ugh, really? I thought this show was about medical mysteries. But it looks like that's going to take a backseat to yet another fight between House and Cuddy over the same thing: the fact that he's an asshole and Cuddy somehow didn't know what she was getting into with him despite knowing him for like twenty-five years now. I wanted House and Cuddy to be together. I just didn't want it to take over the whole show.
Colleen thinks House doesn't kiss Cuddy enough. House defensively says he and Cuddy kiss "plenty" and now he'd like to know how she got that black eye. She refuses to say until he tells her what Cuddy's problem is. They glare at each other while Zack sits back and seems used to this kind of thing. House asks the secretary when the "Kommandant" will return from her very important assembly. "Shouldn't be much longer, sir," she replies, clearly hating House's guts under the thin layer of politeness. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the principal will be back to her office in forty minutes. House decides not to speak anymore. Colleen accuses him of being immature, while Zack finally admits that they're here because they got caught kissing behind the school. House says he wanted to know how Colleen got the black eye, not how they got in trouble. Colleen, meanwhile, wants everyone to know that she and Zack didn't actually kiss. House quickly accuses her of being a tease. She denies it, and House's eight-year-old self can't resist demanding that she prove it. The secretary looks up. House remembers where he is and who he's talking to and quickly adds that she can prove it by telling him her story. Because ordering two kids to kiss is wrong, but telling them about vibrators and talking about the recess lady's vagina is fine.
Zack
is playing basketball. Suddenly, Colleen appears right to him yelling that he's a "pathetic loser jerk" and she wouldn't kiss him even if it cured brain cancer. "Ooo-oo-ooh" say the other children. House, too, is surprised by Colleen's words, as well as possibly admiring. Zack quickly says that was like two days ago, so it's ancient history. Colleen says it proves that she's not a tease and now House has to tell them why Cuddy is mad at him. House says she's bossy, and he guesses Zack is "into that." Zack opens his mouth to speak, only to be shut down with a "don't answer that!" from Colleen, which he instantly obeys.Hey look! It's the Cottages! And a sick guy! Why, it's almost like this is a show about a team of doctors who solve medical mysteries! While Martha and Foreman talk to their new patient, who is coughing and complaining of breathing trouble, Taub and Chase flirt with an attractive nurse. She's new at PPTH, even though PPTH has plenty of awesome nurses we never get to see, like Evil Nurse Brenda and whoever Bobbin Bergstrom is, since she always appears in the credits but I have yet to actually see her on the show. Also, does Taub really think he has a chance with the nurse when Chase is right there? Please. The patient starts coughing up lots of blood. Martha gently suggests a chest CT. Foreman says that since he's the senior team member, only he may order scans and tests. Taub asks the nurse if she wants to have an affair. Chase offers her a threesome. Martha is appalled and runs off to tell on them to Cuddy. Foreman orders the chest CT. I still love it when this show does subjective flashbacks.
House is actually telling this story to the kids in that classroom. Tiffany goes all Martha M. Masters on us and asks if Chase and Taub are guilty of sexual harassment. House says it's only sexual harassment if you're ugly. "Excuse me?!" a woman in back speaks up, no doubt one of those humorless bitch lady lawyers who ruin everything. Gabe says House must be lying, since Taub, who House described earlier as being "short with a big nose," cannot possibly be attractive. Apparently, Gabe is only into a certain type of guy. And, once again, the people who write this show hate Peter Jacobson.
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH" House Nicholsons in Gabe's face. Timmy explains to the class that House just ripped off A Few Good Men. The teacher decides they've had enough of House and calls another speaker to the front of the room, some guy who works at an advertising agency. "BORING!" the kids cry. They want to hear more from House. Tiffany begs House to at least tell them what happened to his coughing patient, thus making them slightly more realistic than Colleen, who cares way too much about some boring adult's crappy relationship. House is brief in his response to them: "patient's dead." "Floor is yours, Don," he tells the advertising guy, because this show can make fun of Mad Men when it wins plenty of Emmys and House is lucky to be nominated.
The kids don't believe that House's patient is dead, what with him spending the entire afternoon lying to them already. They want to hear more about lungs being coughed up and laptops being hacked into, as Alex requests. Between vibrators and laptops, this Alex kid is really into technology. Gabe calls Alex a moron for forgetting that House was lying when he told the story about the laptop. Alex looks sad, and the teacher scolds Gabe for using the word "moron." Gabe points out that House calls people morons, so it must be okay. House shoots back that he was talking about people like Gabe. The kids love House even more now, especially Alex. The teacher is the only moron here, as she thinks she can get House to quickly and appropriately finish his story by asking nicely.
The patient is coughing up blood again. The Cottages rush in to help, but before they can do anything, the guy coughs up an entire lung. He just holds it in his hands, groaning and gasping, as the Cottages try to figure out what they're looking at. Chase is the first to figure it out. The classroom children find this to be awesome. House explains to his enthralled audience (including the teacher and the other career day speakers) that he takes on difficult cases no other doctor can solve. Tiffany wonders how it's even possible for someone to cough up an internal organ like that. "That's what she said!" House retorts, but no one gets it or, if they do, they don't find it very amusing.
House explains that "she" actually did say that -- the "she" being Martha. While the Cottages try to diagnose their patient, House is trying to hack into Cuddy's password-protected laptop. He wonders aloud why someone would password-protect her computer when she keeps it in a locked drawer in her locked office. Martha points out that Cuddy knows one of her employees regularly breaks into patients' homes, so she probably just didn't want to take any chances. But when she isn't getting on her high horse, she's actually helpful, as she suggests that the patient's computer science major roommates may well be working with toxic, lung-destroying materials. House only cares about this, of course, because one of those computer science major roommates might be able to help him hack into Cuddy's computer. He takes Foreman with him to search the dorm while the other Cottages stay behind to test the patient for what House thinks he actually has: sarcoidosis.
Back in the classroom, the kids have established that House did, in fact, try to force the college kids to hack into the laptop, albeit not at gunpoint. Alex just wants to know whose laptop it is. Tiffany figures it must be Cuddy's. House quotes from Ghostbusters, which Timmy instantly recognizes, much to House's apparent glee. Tiffany asks if Cuddy was mad at House for hacking into her computer, and he has to explain to a bunch of children who are still old enough to know better that he stole and hacked into the computer after finding out that Cuddy was mad at him to try to "fix things." Now the teacher has something to say, asking House if he really thought he could fix his relationship by stealing his girlfriend's stuff. Humorless Bitch Lady Lawyer has been waiting all day for this: "looks like you're the moron!"
Night time. Taub backs his Hyundai (I guess he really is struggling for money these days) up to the doors of the parking garage, where Chase and House are waiting for him along with the Piano of Covert Activity. They unload some kind of massive weaponry from the trunk of the car and set it up aimed at Cuddy's office door. Timmy Morgan interrupts to say House stole this from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. The kid really does know his classics -- that movie is from well before I was born. House says Timmy is right, and the true story is that he is suddenly leaning in the elevator, wearing a jogging suit, and smoking a cigar. "The Thomas Crown Affair," Timmy says immediately; "the Steve McQueen version." Tiffany demands to know the real story. The advertising guy wants a chance to tell the kids about his exciting job, too. Just to make him feel like shit, House says he can go right ahead, then smiles as the children cry out "no!" in horror and in unison.
The true story, then, is that the Clinic was abuzz with activity when a terrible smell permeated the air. So terrible, in fact, that a few people pass out. A nurse who I totally thought was Carla from Scrubs in some kind of awesome subjective memory cameo (it's not. I just can't tell non-white people apart, I guess) freaks out. Behind the corner with his nostrils blocked, House shouts that it smells like a gas leak. The Clinic patients and personnel get the hell out of there, except for the ones who are unconscious. In the classroom, all look to Timmy, but he can't think of a movie House is ripping off here. The humorless bitch lawyer disgustedly asks if House is really saying that he poisoned a bunch of sick people and their caregivers just to steal a laptop. House claims he actually just poured some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor to make it smell bad and clear the place out, but one guy held his breath and passed out like a moron, causing "a perfect storm of mass hysteria." I'm sorry, but that guy was holding his breath for all of three seconds before he passed out from lack of oxygen, and he was quickly followed by two other people that House didn't even mention. Also, Wikipedia tells me that hydrogen sulfide is "very poisonous." But no matter! House says the panic made it easy for him to sneak into Cuddy's office and get the laptop unnoticed.
Back in the principal's office, Colleen doesn't understand why all those other kids cared how House stole the laptop -- what's really important, she believes, is why he stole it. House says Colleen reminds him of someone, and while we're all expecting that someone to be Cuddy, it's actually Wilson, who says basically the same thing when House reports to his office for Wilson's three seconds of screen time. House says he didn't steal the laptop to find out why Cuddy is mad at him, because he apparently knows the answer to this. What he doesn't know is how to make her "un-mad." He hopes that reading Cuddy's secret journal, which she stupidly keeps on her computer like she's Doogie Howser or something, will give him a few clues. Wilson wants to know why Cuddy is mad at House. House won't tell him any specifics, simply saying that he was just being himself, which he thought Cuddy was supposed to be in love with. Because, you know, she said she was. And that he shouldn't change. Remember that? Apparently, Cuddy doesn't.
Wilson tries to help House out by suggesting that Cuddy may have used one of her childhood pets' names as her password. That doesn't help House, though, as he has no idea what any of Cuddy's pets were named because he never listens when Cuddy talks about that stuff. Because I honestly can't figure out why House is even with Cuddy other than the sex. He really doesn't seem that interested in doing anything with her beyond that. Of course, Wilson does pay attention to other people, so he tells House that Cuddy had a dog named Ronaldo. As House types that into the computer, Foreman enters and says they have a new case: a college student with bronchitis that isn't bronchitis. House snaps at him to take care of the patient himself because he's busy. Foreman's feelings are totally hurt. Tiffany interrupts to accuse House of lying, saying no doctor would turn his back on a dying patient for such a selfish reason. House shrugs that he doesn't really care about a dying patient who isn't "interesting."
In the principal's office, Colleen is losing her patience. We're more than halfway into the show and House still hasn't answered any of her questions. House says Cuddy is mad at him because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of little things, i.e. because she's female. And now that he said that, he expects Colleen to be mad at him for the same reason. Zack speaks up and says she isn't like that. House is delighted to take the attention off himself and cause trouble at the same time, and says Zack shouldn't stick up for someone who called him a pathetic jerk. Zack shrugs that that was a long time ago and Colleen didn't mean it anyway. Colleen says it was only two days ago and he doesn't know if she meant it or not. Zack says he does, because he knows how she thinks. Colleen and House scoff at this. Clearly, the only person who knows how Colleen thinks is House, because he just played her and Zack like violins.
Cut to Zack and Colleen facing off against each other in a game of Double Dutch. They're surrounded by children watching and cheering because apparently there is nothing better to do at recess at this school. Suddenly, Colleen trips up on the rope, giving Zack the win. His prize is that she kisses him on the lips. House says the fact that Zack had to win a bet to get Colleen to kiss him shows that he really doesn't know how she thinks. It also shows that whoever wrote this episode hasn't been a child in a long time -- when it comes to elementary school-aged children and kissing, it's the girl who always has to trick/bet/force the boy to kiss her, as he still believes that girls are gross. Zack explains that by losing the bet, Colleen could kiss him, which she wanted to do, while still acting like she didn't want to do it and thus saving face with her friends. Colleen denies Zack's reasoning, saying she only made the bet with Zack in the first place because she really didn't think she'd lose. And with that, she again nags House to tell them why Cuddy is mad at him. "It's stupid," House mutters. "Talk," Colleen demands. I don't know why he's taking orders from her; she can't even beat a boy at Double Dutch.
Cuddy unrolls a yoga mat. House walks in, putting his shoes on, and says he's leaving for work unless Cuddy wants to have sex with him or something. Again, all House is ever interested in when it comes to Cuddy is sex. He's shown more interest in the day-to-day activities of Cuddy's child than in Cuddy. Speaking of the child, Cuddy uses her as an excuse for why she can't have sex with House, saying she wants to get her yoga in before she wakes up. She asks House to take the garbage out on his way out, but he claims his leg is bothering him. He gives Cuddy a big kiss and leaves. Cuddy rolls her eyes and starts doing some deep breathing, only for the child to wake up and call for her. Cuddy carries Rachel to the bathroom, where she finds the toilet seat has been left up. Um... didn't House live with Stacy Frozenface for like five years? Surely he knows better. And he left the sink a gross, manly mess of toothpaste and beard hair, topped off with Cuddy's toothbrush, which he helped himself to.
The children are appalled, both because using someone else's toothbrush is gross and because House clearly doesn't listen to his girlfriend. House insists that he does listen to Cuddy. A lot. Case in point: she's calmly talking to House about why it bothers her when he uses her toothbrush when he retorts that maybe Cuddy and her four cavities shouldn't judge House's brushing habits, since he doesn't have any cavities. Plus, he's sure she'd rather that he brushed his teeth and flossed before dinner and after, I'm assuming he's hinting at, oral sex. She says he cou
ld just use the toothbrush she bought him. "Would you please just shut up and watch the movie?" he asks. Yeah, I can't imagine why she's so mad at him. Zack asks why House is so insistent on brushing his teeth before dinner. "You don't want to know. Yet," House says. He had no problem talking about sand in people's vaginas in front of these kids, but now he draws the line? Okay. "You're gross and dumb," Colleen says. Colleen is not dumb, though, as she's figured out that House only listens to what Cuddy says so he can use it to tell her she's wrong about something. House says if he doesn't tell her she's wrong, no one else will. She's the boss, so her day is spent surrounded by people who want to make her happy and kiss her ass. Clearly, House did not watch that episode all about Cuddy's day, where everyone from the insurance guy to the pharmacy tech treated her like crap. House says he respects Cuddy "enough" not to be nice to her. Zack says he likes House's line of thinking, as he believes he used it when he gave Colleen her black eye. House is shocked and possibly admiring, asking Zack if he punched her in the face. Zack answers with a flashback.The kids are playing indoor hockey in gym class. Zack gets a shot on goal, tended by Colleen. She smiles flirtatiously at him. He smiles back and then fires the puck right at her face. There's no gym teacher in sight. "You're a moron," House says, ending the flashback. Not, House says, for trying to score a goal on his girlfriend, but for shooting so high when everyone knows the low corners are your best chance to make a goal in indoor hockey. Unlike Zack, Colleen will not be distracted. She says House owes them more details about the laptop.
The real Dr. Hourani enters his office and finds House sitting there on Cuddy's laptop. He is not pleased, as he, like everyone else who works at PPTH except Cuddy, hates House. House says he's hiding from Cuddy and knows she won't look for him here. Hourani's anger subsides slightly when he sees that House is looking at Cuddy's journal on the laptop, but House doesn't let him read it. He takes the laptop away, complimenting Hourani on his beautiful wife on his way out in the creepiest manner possible. Hourani smiles and looks at the nice family photo on his desk before panicking and looking for another, not-so-family-friendly photo of his wife stored in his desk drawer. It isn't there, because House stuck it on the elevator door.
Back in the classroom, Alex stops House's story to ask why he's talking about breaking into Dr. Hourani's office and finding sexy photos of his wife when they all thought House was Dr. Hourani. House has the entire commercial break to try to think of an explanation.
In the principal's office, House gets a call from Foreman. Hey, remember that patient? Well, he's still dying and the tests for sarcoidosis came back negative. The patient's only remaining lung is collapsing. House orders Foreman to start him on treatment for sarcoidosis anyway and hangs up. He turns to the kids and explains that sarcoidosis is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that most of the time, it takes doctors a long time to get to it and by then the patient is usually dead or about to be. The kids don't care about that, of course. Zack wants to know why House lied about his last name while Colleen wants to know what House found in Cuddy's journal. I don't buy that ten-year-olds would really give a shit about any of this, but whatever. House says they've proven his point: not all cases are interesting, even if the patient is dying. Perhaps, but I'm much more curious about what's wrong with the patient than I am about any of the other stuff. Zack insists that House must have done something worse than use Cuddy's toothbrush or refuse to take out the garbage for her to be so mad at him, but House claims that's exactly what it was.
House is on Cuddy's doorstep, but she won't let him in. She says she needs "some time alone." House says it's "insane" of her to act like this because of a toothbrush and the garbage, but Cuddy says it's not just that, of course -- it's the fact that House does whatever he wants all the time and he's always right. House doesn't understand the problem. "Do you want me to be wrong?" he asks. Cuddy says she wants him to care about more than just what he wants and what he thinks. Well, if she wanted that, she shouldn't have dated House. This is Cuddy's fault, really. She says House may love her, but he doesn't care about her. "And I deserve someone who does," she concludes. Yeah, well, you were engaged to him like a year ago and you dumped him for House.
Colleen feels triumphant. "That's what I said! You don't listen to her!" she says. "You didn't say that," House says. "Yes, I did," she says. House says he must not have been listening. Zack hopefully asks if House fixed everything with Cuddy after hacking into her laptop. House says he thought he did. Flashback to House talking to the Chairman of the Board, who gets more screen time and lines than Wilson these days, about what he read in Cuddy's journal -- Waldenwood wasn't her first choice pre-school for Rachel after all. She just didn't have any hope of getting Rachel into her actual first choice, so she never mentioned it except in her journal. Cuddy's number one fantasy dream school for Rachel? Brye Park, where, Zack helpfully reminds us, they are right now. The Chairman of the Board is on Brye Park's school board, since that's apparently all the Chairman does with his time: serve on boards. House hopes that the Chairman's connection to Brye Park will get Rachel in. The Chairman asks why Cuddy hasn't come to him and asked herself. House says Cuddy doesn't think it's right to use connections like that. House obviously doesn't have these same reservations. Neither does the Chairman. But House must do him a favor first.
And so, House is driving to Brye Park's career day to speak to some kids and traumatize them for life when Foreman and Martha call about their patient. House insists that they treat him for sarcoidosis even though all the signs point to the patient not having sarcoidosis. And, as we already know, a few hours later, they still hadn't done what House asked. Even worse, their insistence on arguing with House distracts him from his driving and he promptly rear-ends someone. The guy who gets out of his crumpled car is familiar to us: it's Don Dryden, the advertising guy. As he approaches House's car, House tosses his wallet under the seat. So, House told Don he didn't have his wallet and his name was Dr. Hourani to get out of paying for the damage to Don's car because as far as House is concerned, the accident was Don's fault for stopping at a yellow light. Unfortunately for House, this came back to bite him in the ass when he showed up for the career day and saw Don already there, thus forcing him to keep lying about his name.
So now he has to try to explain to the classroom, Don, and that humorless bitch lawyer how his name really is Hourani and it just so happens that there's another doctor at PPTH with the same last name. Don isn't buying it. He demands to see House's ID. House says he already told him he doesn't have it. Don doesn't believe him anymore and tries to search House's pockets, which quickly leads to a physical altercation. The teacher weakly tries to stop them while the bitch lawyer and the paramedic and/or fireman who didn't get any lines sit back and do nothing. Finally, they're stopped by the office secretary, who appears in the doorway and stops everyone with an icy "is there a problem?"
Now that we finally know the story up until now, Zack thinks House's best bet is to run away; Cuddy's going to find out what happened and how House just ruined any chance she had for Rachel to get into Brye Park anyway. Why bother getting yelled at by the principal, too? Zack says if he were House, he'd be out of here. Colleen doesn't think so. I guess we aren't done with the flashbacks after all. It turns out that Zack and Colleen met behind the school another time. Zack was ready to collect his bet winnings and kiss Colleen, but ultimately, he couldn't. He says he doesn't want it to happen "like this." He apologizes for hitting her in the face with the puck and then cheating to win the bet, explaining that he paid one of the jump-rope-turners off with video game cheat codes (that she couldn't have just looked up herself online? Please) to hit Colleen's foot with the jump rope so she'd lose the bet. Colleen is just happy to learn that she really is better at Double Dutch than Zack is after all. Zack says he really likes Colleen and thinks she likes him, too, but he doesn't want to play "any more games." So, he says, if and when Colleen is ready to kiss Zack, she just has to let him know. And, as we know, she did, but the recess lady caught them and sent them to the principal's office.
"Well done," House says to Zack. Colleen says Zack "isn't always" a jerk, and neither is House. What makes her think that? All she knows about House is that he hits people with his car and tries to get out of paying for the damage, that he would rather hack into his girlfriend's computer -- that he poisoned patients to steal in the first place -- than treat his dying, but boring, patient, and that he uses his girlfriend's toothbrush and leaves her bathroom a mess. Where would Colleen ever get the idea that House isn't one of the most horrible people on the planet? She thinks he just has to stop playing games with Cuddy. Zack agrees. And then the principal finally shows up.
In her office, which is really dark like every other office on this show, the principal checks out House's ID, sees that it does not give his name as Hourani, and then asks if he's insane or stupid. House wisely decides not to go on the attack, but to instead say he was only thinking about himself and that he's sorry. It turns out that the principal already knows why House is here, as she spoke to the Chairman earlier. House sort of begs her to look past what House did and let Rachel into the school, calling her a "great kid" and Cuddy a "great mom." The principal asks how admitting Rachel would prove to Cuddy that House is unselfish, especially since he's only doing all of this so Cuddy won't be mad at him so he can have sex with her again. House says he had to do something because he "needs" Cuddy in his life. The principal says she knows how that feels, but she also knows that you have to act like an adult if you want to be in an adult relationship. Wise words, but House isn't paying attention to her anymore because the poster on her wall for an upcoming school performance of "The Princess and the Pea" just gave him his Epiphany Face. He quickly excuses himself and takes off. I guess Rachel won't be going to Brye Park after all.
House finally returns to PPTH and his patient, who does not, it turns out, have sarcoidosis. House's final diagnosis is that he accidentally and unknowingly inhaled a tiny piece of food that didn't show up on any of their scans even though House thinks the piece of food is a pea, which I'm pretty sure you can see on a basic X-ray, let alone a CT scan or an MRI (OF DOOOM!!). Also, a teeny tiny piece of food can cause you to cough up an entire lung? Really?
House's stop is Cuddy's office. She says she's busy, but he walks in anyway. He starts in with the apology, but Cuddy says he may want to say that to the Chairman of the Board first. "A fifth grade career day? You really thought you could pull that off?" she asks. House says he seriously underestimated how hard it would be for him to control himself in a room of children and that he was just trying to show her that he does care about her needs, as well as Rachel's. Cuddy points out that he stole her computer. And put it in the trash. House says he did that because he knew the janitor would know it was Cuddy's and give it back to her. Yeah, because the janitor doesn't need a brand new Macbook Pro or anything. Okay. House admits that he's a moron, but he's a moron who cares and thinks about Cuddy and wants her to be happy. "I was wrong, you were right. I can do better," he promises, asking for another chance. Cuddy asks House what career he claimed to have at career day, figuring he went for either an astronaut or a bullfighter. "I was myself. For the most part," he says. Cuddy is still frowning, so House figures he must have really blown it this time. But then, because the true moron is Cuddy, she invites him over for dinner. He immediately accepts, and shows her the toothbrush he'll be bringing and using while he's there. He doesn't take the trash out on his way out of Cuddy's office, though.
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