By Sara M
We open at one of those fancy private jetports, where a trio of businesspeople are arguing because one of them didn't get some slides done for the Big Boss Executive, who is on his way to a meeting empty-handed. A woman in an evil red powersuit defends herself, saying she sent the other guy, who is clearly a schmuck, an email telling him to do the slides. She shows it to the executive and then the schmuck, named Russ, who has trouble seeing it on her Blackberry because he's having Ominous Vision Problems. "I never got this," he slurs. The executive asks if he's drunk. "I'm not drunk!" he says drunkenly, then barfs. "I'm not drunk!" he slurs one more time as he run/staggers away. Here's a tip: if you ever are drunk at work and someone calls you out on it, don't defend yourself while sounding and looking really, really drunk. Also, nice try at the Patient of the Week fake-out, writers, but I already saw in the previews that the patient is a woman and therefore not Russ, so I was not fooled. The woman volunteers to whip up some slides for her boss ASAP while also getting paper towels for the barf on his shoes, but screams and clutches her ears in pain before she can make it inside the airport. Where do those people work? Drama, Inc.?
The Cottages meet in Wilson's office (which we know immediately by the presence of the Ordinary People movie poster on the wall, because who doesn't want to display a poster for a movie about a family that falls apart in the wake of a son's death and the other's suicide attempt at work? Maybe Wilson is just a huge Mary Tyler Moore fan) to discuss their newest patient, Valerie, who's been to six doctors about her severe intermittent ear pain thus far with no luck. House finds her case boring, but the only other choice is a 14-year-old boy with joint pain and excess hair growth, and no one wants that. He takes Valerie's case once Foreman mentions that she's "really hot" with a husband who is "really not." And since he works as a social worker (apparently they put your spouse's job in your medical history now?), he isn't rich, either. Hadley says she might just be one of those people who can love someone based on something besides his appearance and personal wealth, such as his personality, but since her co-workers are both shallow and men, they refuse to believe this is possible. Chase suggests Valerie's recent diet change to raw foods might have something to do with her earaches, because that fact will be important later, but House thinks Valerie's real problem is her heart, and an arrhythmia is presenting as ear pain. He sends the Cottages off to deal with that as his phone rings with an uncharacteristic normal ring and not, say, a Salt-N-Pepa classic hit or the theme to Super Mario Brothers. That, and the fact that he avoids answering it, makes the Cottages suspicious. All we find out is that it's from someone called "Wibberly."
By Sara M
The three male Cottages are charmed and pleased to meet Valerie, while Hadley is clearly jealous and resentful. Oh, waaah, Hadley. You can't always be the most beautiful woman in room. 99% of the time will just have to do. Also, I see they decided to cast the part of her ugly husband, as he's sitting at her bedside. Poor guy. I was sort of hoping we wouldn't see him at all, thus sparing the actor the embarrassment of getting this role. But at least he'll get paid, unlike all the other ugly guys who tried out for it and didn't get the part.
Wilson comes to work to find House napping in his office. House explains that he's avoiding his actual office because "some idiot" who had the misfortune of going to med school at the same time as House wants to stop by have lunch with him. And that idiot would be the mysterious Wibberly. And he is an idiot. Not even Cuddy is stupid enough to want to be House's friend (anymore). Only Wilson, who doesn't understand why House can't just tell the guy to leave him alone. House explains that, as part of his therapy (that I thought we were all supposed to forget about by now) he wrote an apology letter to Wibberly for switching their final papers in a class on flatworm genetics. I think they both should get a letter from their professor apologizing for making them suffer through a class about flatworm genetics. Apparently, the professor hated House (can't imagine why!) and House thought he was being graded unfairly because of it, so he submitted his paper under Wibberly's name and Wibberly's paper under his to try to prove it, unbeknownst to Wibberly. But then House got an A for Wibberly's paper, so he figured he must have been wrong about his theory and his papers really were just not very good. Which means poor Wibberly got House's bad grade. Yes, these schemes do have a way of backfiring on us even when they go exactly as planned. One time, in tenth grade, we had this grade-wide social studies project (yes, we still took "social studies" at the backasswards high school I attended. I had to wait until college to actually study history) and my friend, who was in a different class, did hers in an earlier quarter of the year and got an A+ on it. I handed her paper in to my teacher just to see if I'd get the same grade because I wanted to prove that he hated me and was grading me unfairly. Sure enough, he gave me a C. I was right! Except then I couldn't actually do anything about it, because that would mean admitting that I had used someone else's paper and then I probably would have gotten an F. So all I did was prove something I knew anyway: my teacher was a dick. Anyway, Wilson wants to know why, out of all the people House hurt over the years, he chose some guy he mildly screwed over all the way back in medical school to apologize to and not, say, Cuddy. Or Wilson. House doesn't really have an answer, so Wilson leaves the room disgustedly.
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By Sara M
Valerie's heart test has concluded and while they did find an arrhythmia, the source of it wasn't what they were expecting, so they're still at a loss. As they wheel Valerie into her room, they see she has a surprise guest -- it's Russ! He's sitting in a chair in the corner looking very creepy. Ugly Husband goes to shake his hand and thank him for stopping by, but Russ keeps his right hand shoved in his trench coat pocket and says he has a lot of free time for hospital visits, as he has apparently been fired. Valerie immediately says that wasn't her fault, since Russ is the one who got drunk in front of their boss. Russ says he's drunk now, but he wasn't before -- then, he got the distinct impression someone poisoned him. Oooh, too bad he didn't say something instead of acting really drunk. Hadley gives Taub an obvious "go get security!" nod, not like they're going to do anything. They let a drunk guy with a suspicious trench coat and something in his right pocket into a patient's room, didn't they? And then just let him wait there for her to show up for a confrontation. PPTH Security strikes again! Russ staggers up to Valerie and says he just wants to say good-bye, and bends over to kiss her, at which point both Ugly Husband and Hadley intervene. It could have been worse, though -- he didn't have anything in his pocket after all, and I really thought there would be a gun in there. He certainly was acting like it. Russ says Valerie doesn't love Ugly Husband any more than she loved Russ, which apparently Russ still doesn't mind since he tried to make out with her anyway. Ugly (and kind of dim) Husband slowly asks if Russ is "pretending" he had an affair with Valerie. Russ says he isn't pretending. Valerie defends herself by telling everyone that Russ's "paranoid tendencies" got him committed to a mental hospital just six months ago. Probably the same one House was in, since he clearly hasn't gotten any better. Twenty minutes later, PPTH security arrives to take Russ away. He goes willingly, but points a finger-gun at Valerie and fires on his way out. And after all that, we'll never see him again.
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By Sara M
Valerie sniffles and gasps an "oh my god!" as Ugly Husband tends to her. Taub promises that Russ won't be allowed back into PPTH (unless he takes the well-marked "secret" un-guarded entrance that all the other crazy PPTH shooters seem to take), but Valerie's only concern is that Ugly Husband doesn't believe that she had an affair with Russ. He trusts her, but Hadley seems to have her doubts. At least, I think that's her "doubtful" face. It could be her worried face. Or her happy face. It's hard to tell with the inscrutable Ms. Remy B. Hadley.
The Cottages head for the meeting room to update House on the latest developments. He isn't there, as he's holed up in Cuddy's office still trying to avoid Wibberly, and so must communicate with them via speaker phone. He says Wilson's office is no longer a viable escape option, since Wilson will surely work against him to make sure Wibberly gets his lunch date. But he's sure Wilson has no idea where House is now, even though PPTH only has like eight sets so there really aren't many places House could be hiding. If it isn't Cuddy's office, then it's the bathroom, the morgue, or the Clinic. Pretty easy game of hide-and-seek. While Foreman updates House on Valerie's condition and their latest theory -- that Russ is crazy and by accusing Valerie of poisoning him, he might have been projecting and he actually poisoned her -- House checks out the framed pictures on Cuddy's table: one of her and Lucas, and another of her looking slightly younger in baggy overalls holding a monkey. With a chimpanzee totally photoshopped into the corner of the frame smiling at the camera. Even though the monkey Cuddy is holding appears to be a New World monkey and the chimp is definitely an Old World ape. I'm sorry, there was once a time when I considered going into the field of primatology so I know these things. House looks for craft supplies as he instadiagnoses Russ with hyperthyroidism, saying he slipped her some of his meds to cause her heart problem. Case closed! OR IS IT?!?! Because Hadley finally speaks up to state her opinion on the case and their patient: she thinks Russ has credibility. Foreman points out that he's drunk, unemployed, and has a history of mental illness. Valerie, on the other hand, is good at life and stuff. "And she's hot!" House makes sure to add to Valerie's list of accomplishments. Hadley insists there's something "off" about Valerie. House chalks this all up to Hadley and Foreman disagreeing with each other due to their own personal issues and tells them to give Valerie beta blockers for the heart-poisoning. He hangs up and starts cutting into Cuddy's photos. Back in the meeting room, Foreman orders Hadley to give Valerie the beta blockers just because he can. Meanwhile, House admires his handiwork: Overalls Cuddy is now holding Lucas's face on the monkey's body and modern Cuddy has her arm around a photoshopped chimp face on Lucas's body. His moment of triumph is short-lived, however, when a man enters the room and introduces himself as one Lorenzo Wibberly, here thanks to Wilson's impeccable directions. What's weird is that Wibberly feels the need to introduce himself to House and make sure the guy he's talking to is actually House, as if med school was that long ago and their appearances have changed that much.
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By Sara M
And so, House is stuck having lunch in the cafeteria with Wibberly, who realizes that this is awkward but just wants to thank House for the letter and tell him not to feel bad. "Thanks," House mutters, then attempts to make polite conversation by asking where Wibberly works. He assumes, of course, that Wibberly is also a doctor, but OOPS! it turns out that he works at a supermarket. Because OOPS! OOPS! he never graduated med school. Because OOPS! OOPS! OOPS! he was just one credit short thanks to a failing grade on the switched paper. House hopefully asks if Wibberly is the CEO of that supermarket chain he works at. No way -- he's a bagger. OOPS! OOPS! OOPS! OOPS! I hope House bought him lunch.
While Valerie chatters away in the MRI (OF DOOOM!!), Hadley stares intently at the monitor in the booth. Until Foreman walks in, all pissed off to see that Hadley did not follow his orders to give her beta blockers, but is instead getting PPTH more $$$ with this expensive and seemingly unnecessary scan. Ah, but there is a method to Hadley's madness, as she shows Foreman that while Valerie talked about things she supposedly felt any emotion towards, the emotion center of her brain remained inactive. "She can understand love and pain and empathy but she can't feel them at all. She's a psychopath," Hadley says, looking disturbingly pleased about this development. I think it's just because she likes being right. Anyway, three cheers for Valerie! She'll be the most interesting patient of the week we've had in a while. This also explains why she emerged from the MRI (OF DOOOM!!) unscathed: it recognized one of its own.
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By Sara M
Once House gets the news about Valerie's condition, he rushes as fast as his sometimes-lame leg will take him to meet her. With Hadley and Foreman in tow, House tells Ugly Husband to take a hike so he can speak with Valerie alone. Ugly Husband obliges, because we now know he's not very good at reading people or situations. "How long have you been a psychopath?" House asks Valerie, who claims to have no idea what he's talking about. House explains that Valerie has no normal emotions or a conscience and manipulates everyone and everything around her just for fun. And is also promiscuous, for some reason. I'm not sure how having a lot of sex with different people and being a psychopath go together. House says that Hadley was able to figure Valerie out due to what might be an evolved response to predators that causes us to get the creeps around psychopaths unless they are hot chicks and we are straight male doctors. Then, clearly, other biological responses take over. When House tells Valerie that it's in her own best interest to come clean about her mental issues that could be related to her mystery illness, she drops the confused act immediately and asks what they want to know. The first thing Hadley wants to know is if Russ was telling the truth, even though that's almost definitely not diagnostically relevant. Valerie admits to slipping Russ some Valium and something to make him barf. "I've had 'em both before, why can't he?" she asks. Who drinks emetics? That can't be fun. Valerie says she and Russ had an arrangement: she had sex with him every Thursday night (clearly, neither she nor Russ were Must-See TV fans) and he let her take credit for his best ideas. As for the Ugly Husband, he has very rich parents who made her sign a pre-nup, so she has to stay married in order to stay wealthy. So yes, she married him just for money after all. Valerie says she's not much different from everyone else -- we're all out for ourselves. But she can be honest with herself about it. Hadley pointedly remarks that she reminds her of someone she knows. "TELL ME ABOUT IT!" House says sarcastically, turning back to Valerie and asking how long she's been like this. "Just how I am," she shrugs.
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By Sara M
In the hall, Hadley doesn't think that Valerie's psychopathy is a symptom, especially since she's had it her entire life and the heart stuff only happened recently. She and House argue about it until Foreman suggests tertiary syphilis as a diagnosis that fits both symptoms. Hadley storms off as Foreman gets in the elevator with House and demands that he discipline Hadley for flouting both her actual boss and her fake boss's orders and giving Valerie the MRI that ended up being really important to the case. House says if Foreman feels that strongly about it, he can punish Hadley. Foreman says he can't because of their relationship, but House thinks it's really because Foreman doesn't want to deal with the fact that he ultimately cared more about his job than his girlfriend and fired her. "Your problem, not mine," House says.
So he got rid of one problem, but there's another waiting for him: Cuddy, who is not happy with House's photo manipulations. She says House ruined her only copy of that photo. "That rare daguerreotype," House says. I can never lose faith in this show when it has lines like that. Daguerreotype! Genius. He figures Cuddy can just pop into iPhoto and print out a new copy. But Cuddy says she's not talking about the photo of her with Lucas: she's talking about the photo of her with the photoshopped chimp, which she says is from Ecuador. Which chimps, as Old World apes, are not native to. House says something about Cuddy's "deep emotional attachment to lemurs." If that was a lemur Cuddy was holding in the picture, then it makes even less sense that it would be in Ecuador with a chimp, because lemurs are Old World monkeys and only live in the wild on Madagascar. Did Cuddy break into some Ecuadorian zoo? And then grab a lemur and bring it with her to a chimp enclosure and pose for a picture? Because it's not like you're going to see those two species associating together like that in the wild. Or that you should pick up a wild monkey in the first place. Or go anywhere near a wild chimp. Or even a tame one, honestly. Anyway, she says that her father took the picture of her in Ecuador during the last trip they took together before he died. Which was apparently before the advent of digital cameras. And negatives. So yes, it was the only copy Cuddy has of that photo. OOPS! REMORSE flashes across House's face but he just makes a sarcastic comment and takes off. And while House sucks for destroying Cuddy's possessions, she kind of sucks for assigning that much sentimental value to A PICTURE OF HERSELF. Her dad isn't even in the picture! If only he took pictures like my dad, who is always in the photo no matter what because his thumb is in the frame.
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By Sara M
House finds Wilson doing some Clinic hours and treating the injured hand of a guy who only speaks Spanish. Fortunately, Wilson and House also speak Spanish and so can communicate with him. Well, House (or el doctor Casa) speaks Spanish. Wilson just pretends to, calling House what translates into "a doctor of medical." House complains that Wibberly has an agenda, most likely trying to guilt House into doing something for him. With that, the patient complains that his hand hurts a lot, blaming the injury on "very dangerous working conditions." Wilson ignores his patient and tells House that if he feels guilty (or REMORSE) about Wibberly, then he should do something to make it better and relieve his guilt. House thanks Wilson by telling the patient that Wilson is a very good doctor, which, despite the fact that he said it in Spanish, contains enough English-sounding words for Wilson to understand what he said and be touched by his friend's uncharacteristic kindness. House follows that by saying Wilson has erectile dysfunction, which also contains enough English-sounding words for Wilson to understand what he's saying. He says that despite what House did to Wibberly and however it caused Wibberly to end up in life, chances are good that he's still happier than House, so he can stop feeling guilty. House likes this approach, and heads off to make sure that Wibberly is happier than he is. But first, he leaves the patient with a good tip: if he's going to injure his hand because he's stoned at work, he might want to ease up on the eye drops, as using too much will cause his eyes to tear up like they are right now.
And so, House visits Wibberly at his home, pleased to see it looks nice enough and thus Wibberly is almost definitely happier than he is. But then House just has to ask why there are boxes all over Wibberly's living room. OOPS! He's moving away from his awesome home because OOPS! OOPS! it's being foreclosed on. He just couldn't afford his father's medical bills and the adjustable rate mortgage. "It could be worse, right?" Wibberly shrugs. "How?" House asks. Well, you could be the guy who feels responsible for all this terribleness.
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By Sara M
Ugly Husband is not thrilled to hear that his wife might have syphilis. Taub thinks he's just worried that he got it from her and reassures him that it's at a stage where it is no longer contagious, and hasn't been for a long time. But Ugly Husband, unlike everyone else on this show, is more concerned about someone else than he is himself. Hadley breezily tells him that Valerie could have been born with this syphilis, and so wouldn't have gotten it by cheating on him. Valerie suddenly starts coughing. This is usually leads to blood all over the place, but this time she just waits for Ugly Husband to go off and fetch her a glass of water before stopping and turning to Hadley in a most creepy manner to ask if she feels threatened by her. Hadley's taken aback, but says no. Valerie says she should be, because if Ugly Husband finds out what Valerie told them about Russ, she will make sure that Hadley never practices medicine again and sue the pants off of her and the hospital. Meanwhile, Taub is just standing there all, "I am so glad I wasn't stupid enough to get on the psychopath's bad side." Hadley looks sort of startled, and Valerie tells her to freeze with that expression so she can use it for herself, as she has to imitate other people's emotions since she doesn't have her own. She moves her face imperceptibly and gasps in a perfect imitation of Hadley. I love Valerie! I know she can't love me back, but that's okay. I love her so much that I don't even mind that she's giving Hadley lots of camera time. Ugly Husband returns with a glass of water and Valerie goes right back into fake loving wife mode. Hadley abruptly asks for Valerie's arm to take some blood, but when she turns it around, only the lower half of Valerie's forearm goes with her. The other stays in place. OOPS! Hadley just broke the hell out of Valerie's arm.
After the commercial, the Cottages and House return to the meeting room. House says Valerie called Cuddy, who apparently has free time to take calls from patients, to demand that Hadley be taken off her case for breaking her arm and stuff. House says he backed Hadley up to Cuddy because he has faith in her. This is clearly a load of bullshit, but Hadley is too freaked out by her amazing arm-breaking superpowers to notice and just says "thanks" sincerely. Taub, on the other hand, takes one look at Valerie's latest test results and notes that she's in kidney failure, thus causing her to have brittle bones. So Hadley isn't a superhero after all. But how freaking bad does kidney failure have to be to make someone's bones that brittle? And for how long? And no one noticed this before? Maybe Cuddy should have taken Hadley off the case. And House and the other Cottages. Kidney failure isn't exactly hard to detect.
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By Sara M
House says they can now rule out psychopathy as a symptom, since syphilis was the only possible diagnosis that incorporated it and kidney failure rules it out. Foreman suggests lymphoma, and House tells the Cottages to immediately start Valerie on radiation. Hadley doesn't think they should do that without testing Valerie's urine to prove Foreman's theory, but her failing kidneys mean she has no urine to test, as Foreman makes sure to point out in the most sarcastic way possible. Bickering ensues until House interrupts to send everyone out of the room who hasn't slept with someone else in the room. Chase happily takes off, but Taub stays behind. Upon the questioning stares, he looks at Hadley and says "oh, sorry. That was our secret. Right." I love him. But he leaves the room so we have to suffer through more Hadley/Foreman drama as House tells them to either sleep together, fight, or quit.
Apparently they don't do any of those things, as we then cut to Valerie being wheeled off to radiation as Hadley stays behind with Ugly Husband, who is very worried. For some reason, he thinks they're jumping into this radiation treatment just a little early and asks if they truly ruled out everything else. Hadley nods, then has an idea of a great way to make a psychopath angry at her, which is a really good idea. She says they haven't ruled out environmental causes, and will need to know where Valerie told Ugly Husband she was like oh, say, every Thursday night. While Valerie was actually having sex with Russ, she told her husband she was at a landscaping class at the local Y. Hadley says a landscaping class could certainly expose Valerie to toxins and orders Ugly Husband to go find out everything he can about Valerie's landscaping class. Like how it doesn't exist.
Meanwhile, House is intrigued by his patient and asks her what it's like to be a psychopath as she waits for the radiation to begin. "When you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?" he wonders. Yes, that's got to be up there on the list of life difficulties psychopaths face. "Dr. House, what are you doing?" Valerie asks, not unlike the creepy way HAL did in 2001: A Space Odyssey. She knows of House's hands-off reputation with patients, and yet he's spoken to her twice already. She thinks he's a little too interested in her psychopathy, possibly because he's a psychopath, too. She points out that he's showing how self-interested he is by delaying a sick woman's treatment just to satisfy his own curiosity. House says everyone is self-interested, but most of us also have consciences. Not that he's particularly thrilled to have his. "So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that," Valerie says; "that's why you're talking to me." House decides not to talk to Valerie anymore.
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By Sara M
Ugly Husband returns to Valerie's room, shocked and upset to discover that she never went to that landscaping class. OOPS! Valerie is busted. OOPS! OOPS! So is Hadley, as Ugly Husband makes sure to say that she was the one who encouraged him to look into this. Ugly Husband starts to believe that Valerie really was having an affair after all, but she quickly comes up with the excuse that she was at work preparing for a Friday morning conference call and didn't want to tell him because of a fight they'd had about the time she spent away from him at work. She expertly makes this all Ugly Husband's fault, saying when he yelled at her for working too much, she felt unimportant and sad. Ugly Husband totally buys it, because Valerie is awesome at this stuff. Hadley really should have known better. Now not only is Ugly Husband more in the dark than ever, but also now the psychopath is really, really pissed at her. Why is Hadley so stupid? Does she walk around sticking her fingers in beehives, too?
And now Cuddy's precious time is being wasted with a visit to mediate things between Hadley and Valerie, who demands that she fire Hadley. Cuddy just sighs, because this is one of those episodes where that's all she's going to do. Hell, this has been one of those seasons where that's all she's going to do. Valerie says she's going to have to deal with coming up with lies on top of lies to keep Ugly Husband in the dark and it's a pain in the ass, so Hadley should have to share that pain. Yeah, that's making a great case for why someone should fire a doctor. Come on, Valerie. You can do better than that. Cuddy hates psychopaths almost as much as Hadley apparently does, and refuses to take Valerie's side, saying that Hadley had a "valid medical reason" for asking about the landscaping class. And she knows Valerie's threats to sue PPTH are baseless because that would mean admitting to her husband that she did have an affair and losing out on his trust fund. Even so, she says she's going to bar Hadley from any contact with her patient. "What?" Hadley asks, because it's a good idea to question your boss in front of a patient. Idiot. Cuddy continues that this is for Hadley's sake -- "we have no obligation to inflict you on her," she tells Valerie. Um, excuse me, but what did Valerie do to Hadley, exactly? Yes, she's a psychopath. But she hasn't done anything to anyone at PPTH. It's not really fair of Cuddy or Hadley to treat her like she's evil. Even though she is. Valerie thinks Cuddy's just saying that to make Hadley feel better when the truth is she doesn't appreciate Hadley leaving PPTH open to a possible lawsuit. Cuddy doesn't really care what Hadley or Valerie choose to believe, so she takes off, leaving Hadley behind with the patient she just said Hadley couldn't have contact with. Okay. Hadley sulks, and Valerie asks if she's going to cry or something. Valerie herself can't cry. Enh, neither can Hadley. Olivia Wilde isn't a good enough actress. And why would Hadley cry about this anyway? I'd be thrilled that I didn't have to deal with the psychopath anymore. Now Chase can go and kill her to make everyone else's lives better.
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By Sara M
Hadley's non-contact with Valerie lasts all of five seconds before she gets a phone call that sends her storming back into Valerie's room, where Chase appears to be getting ready to smother her with a pillow. Hadley angrily accuses Valerie of calling the medical board and reporting her for sexual harassment. Ha ha ha! And way to let the psychopath see how her actions affect you, Hadley. That's exactly what she wants. Hadley's yelling and carrying on attracts the attention of Foreman, who angrily orders her to leave Valerie's room immediately, much to Valerie's delight. This is just too easy for her.
Foreman tells Hadley that she's being an "idiot" by screaming at Valerie. True. He points out that an anonymous report to the medical board will ultimately be found baseless and go away, and even if Valerie used her real name when she reported Hadley, her co-workers will back her up and it will still go away. "You're completely overreacting," Foreman says. Hadley says Foreman would be just as angry if this happened to him. "Or maybe not. You're just about as emotional as she is." Foreman shows that he can get angry by firing back that he's trying to help Hadley so there's no need to take it out on him. "Even when you try to do something nice, you sound like a jerk," Hadley says. This is also true. "I'm sorry," Foreman says, his voice sounding slightly emotional although he keeps that same bored expression on his face. But still -- REMORSE. Hadley does not want his apology for firing her right now, though. But he continues that he fired her for himself and not for her. He says he realized it right after he fired her but obviously couldn't admit to her until now. "I screwed everything up. I hope that we can still work together." Hadley had better hope so too, or else she'll probably get fired again. I just don't understand why Foreman's job was so important to him that he had to fire her and yet not more important than Hadley when he switched those trial drugs. With that, Foreman is paged. Not Hadley, though, because she's not allowed anywhere near Valerie.
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By Sara M
Not like Valerie is conscious enough to care right now, though -- she's being wheeled to the OR to take care of a sudden liver problem that has caused her to vomit blood. Foreman says this rules out cancer (good thing they gave her radiation therapy that she didn't need. OOPS!), but now they can only hope her liver lasts long enough to figure out what's really wrong. Foreman needs Ugly Husband's permission to bypass the blood flow to Valerie's liver to stop the bleeding. But that operation comes with its own set of risks, namely that if the blood flow to the liver is bypassed, the liver won't be able to do its job and filter out toxins. If the liver isn't bypassed, the bleeding will "probably" kill Valerie before those toxins will. Ugly Husband frets and doesn't want to make any important decisions, as those were always left to his psycho wife. He begs Foreman to tell him if Valerie was cheating on him or not before he decides. Foreman's silence on the matter tells him everything. Ugly Husband leaves the decision-making up to Foreman with a "do whatever you think is right." Well, at least he didn't tell Chase to do that. Then his wife would surely be dead.
After the operation, Valerie has one or two days to live, according to Chase in the meeting room. Also, her husband is planning on staying with her while she's sick but leaving her when she's better due to her cheating ways. Diagnoses are shot around and shot down until Taub comes up with primary hepatic fibrosis, which House says is their "best guess." Yes, well, so was lymphoma and we all saw how that worked out, didn't we? Meanwhile, Valerie will need a new liver. But the Evil Transplant Committee won't even put her on the list without a confirmed diagnosis and Hadley has decided that no one in her immediate family will give part of his. Just because you figured out she was a psychopath doesn't mean Valerie's family has, Hadley. "Man, one false accusation from a psychopath and you turn out to be a real bummer," House says. He decides to go to one known reliable source of live donation livers: Wilson.
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By Sara M
In the end, it's Wilson who comes to see House, who is busy writing out a check to pay off part of Wibberly's mortgage. Ah yes, the five thousand dollar check that says "I feel REMORSE" and "I'm not a psychopath" at the same time. That may well be what House wrote in the memo space, in fact. Wilson has a hard time believing this, especially since Cuddy is still hanging around sulking about her ruined picture without so much as an apology from House. He thinks it's because House has a harder time dealing with people who actually mean something to him than strangers he fucked over twenty years ago who can simply be bought off. House says he'll apologize to Cuddy if it'll get Wilson off his back, but it won't be that easy, of course. Wilson is in full psychoanalysis mode and says House has more to make up to Cuddy than just a photo -- "she was in love with you and all she got in return was abuse. For years." Well, that's kind of her fault too, isn't it? Cuddy is an adult and she could have pulled herself out of that situation. Instead, she chose to hire House and keep him in her life. Same goes for you, Wilson. You chose to live with the guy. House decides to pretend to work so he won't have to listen to Wilson anymore, and then does some awesome fake typing on his computer keyboard.
Hadley's hanging out outside Valerie's room because she just can't stay away. She sees a tearful woman leaving and just can't help but chase her down to ask who she is. Why, it's Valerie's sister, Sarah! Hadley walks right on up to her to ask why she'd bother to visit her only sister, let alone consider donating part of her liver to her. Um, because she loves her? Jeez. Not all of us can just stop caring about people who can't love us in return like you did when your mom got sick, Hadley. Also, mind your own damn business! How rude. "You know what she's like," Hadley says. Maybe she doesn't. It's certainly not your job to tell her, even though this conversation is necessary to figure out Valerie's true diagnosis. "She's not that bad," Sarah says. "Yes, she is," Hadley says. Um, Sarah's known Valerie for 27 years and you've known her for like 2.7 days, Hadley, so shut up. Sarah says when she and Valerie were kids, Valerie defended her older sister to their mean drunk father. Eventually, she became the cold and unfeeling person Hadley knows today, probably because she bore the brunt of her father's anger. So Sarah feels guilty about the way her sister is now and can't quite let her go. Because of REMORSE. Also, OOPS! Hadley was wrong about Valerie after all.
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By Sara M
She heads into House's office to tell him to put psychopathy back on the list of Valerie's symptoms -- she only became one "right around adolescence." Well, I guess Valerie shouldn't have told them that she'd always been this way, then. Also, they shouldn't have believed her, knowing that psychopaths lie all the time just for fun. House thinks for a second before remembering that Valerie's more obvious symptoms started just after she changed over to that raw food diet (which, why is a psychopath on a raw food diet anyway? Surely she doesn't have ethical concerns about eating meat) which is high in nuts. And nuts are high in copper. "It's Wilson's disease," House says. Hadley balks, saying they ruled that out because of the lack of rings around Valerie's iris that are a hallmark of the disease. They're also what they used to diagnose Wilson's disease last time. House says there's another sign they can check for. Yes, if Valerie starts providing unsolicited psychoanalyses to the people around her, they'll know it's Wilson's disease for sure!
House and Hadley enter the Valerie's room. Ugly Husband weakly mutters something about Hadley not being allowed in the room that House ignores, grabbing a bottle of nail polish remover and rubbing away the polish on Valerie's thumb to reveal a dark blue spot. "Start her on chelation," House orders, and leaves Hadley to explain to Valerie that she has Wilson's disease -- that is, excess copper in her body because she can't get rid of it as well as people without the disease. It started affecting her in her adolescence but intensified when she changed to a diet high in copper. Isn't copper worth a lot these days, by the way? Surely there's a way Valerie can turn her lemons into lemonade. Ugly Husband hopefully asks if this means all of her symptoms -- including the psychopathy -- will go away. Hadley says the recent ones will, but her brain is probably set in its evil ways after such a long time. "But it's possible?" Valerie asks, the wheels already turning in her copper-addled brain. Hadley says yes, then calls Ugly Husband out into the hallway to "sign some forms."
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By Sara M
Of course, what she really wants to do is poke her nose into more of Valerie's business and tell Ugly Husband that Valerie is going to pretend she's been cured of her psychopathy in order to keep him and his money. "It's a lie," she says. It might not be. Hadley doesn't know. And shouldn't care. "Even if it cures her, it's not going to make her love you," Hadley says. Ugly Husband says he was "happy" before. It might not have been real, but it felt real to him. "Maybe that can be enough," he says. He's not even ugly, you guys. Pathetic, yes. Ugly, not really.
House delivers the check to Wibberly personally. Wibberly refuses to accept it, finally admitting that he got an A+ with House's paper and finished med school after all, becoming an orthopedic surgeon at Mercy, the hospital that fired Foreman. Mercy also fired Wibberly when he overbilled a few Medicare patients in order to get some extra money to fuel his gambling problem. Wibberly should have gotten a job at PPTH. They don't fire anyone for anything. Well, except Hadley that one time. And Chase. But it didn't last! Wibberly was hoping to score some money off of House and not feel bad about it, saying he thought House would be "the same bastard" he was in med school. But if he really thought that, why would he think House would be guilt-able for any money? Anyway, now that House has proven to be a Good Person after all, Wibberly can't take his money. "Keep it," House says. And then they get into a fight over who feels more guilty about the $5,000, House or Wibberly. In the end, House leaves with the check. I'm just surprised that this wasn't a big set-up by Wilson.
Back at PPTH, the chelation is working. Not enough to fix Valerie's liver, but now she'll get on the transplant list. Great. I hope if I die and my organs are donated, those organs all go to horrible people. Ugly Husband is thrilled and offers to take Valerie on a nice, long vacation where they can relax on the beach together. "You're pathetic," Valerie says; "how can you be this pitiful?" She has a point, though. Ugly Husband really needs to work on his self-esteem. Ugly Husband tries to give Valerie a way out, saying she doesn't mean what she's saying right now because she's sick. Valerie says this near-death experience has only focused her mind on what's really important to her. And clearly, that isn't Ugly Husband. Or his money. He finally gets the hint and leaves. "Why'd you do that?" Hadley asks. Um, why are in her room, Hadley? Weren't you banned or something? "He hasn't changed. But you have," Hadley continues. Yes, it's true! Valerie is slightly less of a psychopath. Now she hurts people for their own good. "You're feeling something! What is it? What do you feel?" Hadley asks. Apparently, her medical degree extends to psychiatry now. Why can't she just leave the psychopath she doesn't like and isn't allowed near alone already? "I don't know," Valerie says, her eyes full of tears; "but it hurts." Oh come on. It's not like she's never had feelings before. Surely she remembers what they felt like from before Wilson's disease hit. "It will," Hadley says. Yeah, isn't it fun having feelings, Valerie? Now you can feel terrible about all the people you screwed over because no one bothered to diagnose your illness for like 15 years.
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By Sara M
Hadley stops by the meeting room, where Foreman is going over Valerie's charts for the discharge summary. Apparently, Valerie is going to be discharged even though her liver is failing. He gives her a "nice job" for getting the correct diagnosis (even though House got it, but I guess she helped) and complains about Taub's penmanship. Hadley gives him a hand since she's apparently gotten good at deciphering Taub's handwriting after all that time they spent secretly sleeping together.
Meanwhile, House stops by Cuddy's office to continue his quest not to be a psychopath. He's about to open the door when who should appear but Lucas, who snuggles up to her. Lucas needs a life outside of Cuddy. House looks disappointed and decides not to apologize to her after all. Instead, he returns to Wibberly's house and slips the check in his mail slot. Because it's easier and it's better than nothing. But between that and Valerie losing out on her husband's trust fund, it looks to me like REMORSE gets you nothing but debt.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at