By Sara M
With Wilson's incriminating testimony in hand, Tritter offers House a deal: he can plead guilty and go to rehab for two months, or keep being stubborn and go to jail and lose his medical license. He gives House three days to decide. To force House's hand, Wilson and Cuddy conspire to cut him off from Vicodin. Seeing as going to rehab will also cut House off from Vicodin, I don't see the point in this. Unsurprisingly, House refuses to go for it, and vows to hold out. And Wilson and Cuddy's plan hits a snag when House refuses to treat his newest patient, a dwarf with a collapsed lung, unless he gets his drugs. Since House is the only hospital employee capable of doing his job, he's the patient's only chance for survival. Cuddy decides that she'd rather risk one patient to save the lives of all the patients House won't be able to save if he's in jail, and House decides to cut himself. Um, it's actually better than it sounds. Thank God. Also, Cameron throws a hissyfit at Wilson for turning House in. That is not better than it sounds, although it is pretty funny. House finally gets his hands on some oxycodone by stealing it from one of Wilson's dead patients, which gives him back his diagnosing superpowers just in time to save the dwarf, who isn't a dwarf at all but a girl with a granuloma squashing her pituitary gland, thereby cutting off growth hormones and causing her small height and the autoimmune disease that made her so sick. Patient cured, House is free to spend his Christmas Eve consuming the rest of his bottle of oxycodone, washing it down with generous amounts of alcohol. Wilson finds him lying in a pool of his own vomit and...leaves him there, which I still don't understand. Shouldn't people get medical assistance when they OD? No worries! House recovers from his overdose and goes to Tritter to accept his deal. But it's too late: Tritter has proof that House took a dead man's medicine, so the deal is off the table. D'oh! You have to love a show that makes its Christmas episode the most depressing one of the year.
Our story begins with a cheesy chalkboard-eraser-wipe from a shot of snow falling outside into PPTH's lobby, which is decked the hell out for the Christmas season. They've even got a giant Nativity scene practically blocking the entrance, which has got to be a fire hazard. And here comes Grinch McScrooge himself to ruin everything: House limps into the hospital and, shockingly, does not hit the Baby Jesus with his cane. The day is still young, though. He heads for his office, where Wilson is waiting for him. And so is Shitter, who wishes House a Merry Christmas that you know he doesn't mean. House responds with "and a happy go to hell." Good. Um...does Shitter really have to sit with his legs spread like that? His knees have exceeded the boundaries of the armrests! That can't be comfortable. Wilson tells House that he and Shitter "worked out a deal." House claims he doesn't care. Wilson goes on to say that he told Shitter he didn't write those prescriptions, and House takes a moment to look shocked, like, what did he think was going to happen? The way he treated Wilson, I would've been shocked if he didn't turn him in. Shitter says that the D.A. will let House keep practicing medicine and stay out of jail in exchange for a guilty plea and two months in rehab. "Get out of my office," House orders them both in a pick-up shot. Wilson can't believe House is turning down this fabulous offer. He says he went to Shitter and got this deal to help House. House tells Wilson to rethink his Christmas gift-giving strategies. Hey, Wilson's Jewish -- Christmas gifts aren't exactly his forte. Wilson starts listing all the things House has done to deserve this, like punching out his employees and almost unnecessarily cutting a girl in half, and I'm sure Shitter is taking notes right now. House yells that he didn't do those things because he was on drugs: he did them because he wasn't on them and was in pain. Wilson only wants to believe that House has a problem to convince himself that he's doing the right thing. Shitter says that House has a choice: he can stand on principle and go to jail, or take the plea bargain and keep practicing medicine. House kicks them both out of his office. Shitter tells House he has three days to take this deal.
Wilson runs after House. He can't believe House turned down Shitter's awesome deal. House says that he doesn't want to spend the rest of life in Vicodin-free pain, insisting that none of the other, non-addictive pain medications works for him. House points to the Baby Jesus and asks Wilson why he hasn't told on him to the Romans yet. Because Wilson's Judas now, you see.
House goes off to find Cuddy and tell on Wilson. He finds her in the Clinic actually treating a patient, albeit a very small one: it's a little person, accompanied by her similarly small mother. House relishes the mocking opportunities this affords him, saying that he just needs Cuddy for a "tiny moment," to do him a "small favor." Even my closed-captioning, which rarely spells words correctly, enjoyed this enough to add the emphasis. Cuddy gives House a shocked stare, like, why be surprised at this point, Cuddy? He made fun of your ability to conceive a child. I hardly think little people are sacred. Li'l Mom asks who "the wit" is. Cuddy says that it doesn't matter, since she'll be firing him momentarily. House, meanwhile, has taken an interest in the Li'l Patient, who's sporting a recent chest tube scar. He also notes a mark on her arm indicating a recent negative tuberculosis test. He asks Li'l Mom what "flavor" of dwarves they are. "Strawberry," she says. Or "cartilage-hair hypoplasia": "Think you can make a pun out of that?" she dares. Don't tempt him. I really think he could. House says that he doesn't want to be mean, and then comments on Mom's "short fuse." Cuddy tells House to wait in her office, and says that L'il Patient, a.k.a. Abigail, just had a "bleb," a word I thought she totally made up until I looked it up and found that it's basically a blister that can form on various tissues in the human body. Cuddy adds that the bleb that caused Abigail's lung to collapse was probably idiopathic, i.e. it randomly appeared for no reason. House doubts this, and explains to the mother, Maddy, that Cuddy has no idea why Abigail's lung "popped like a balloon." But he does. He asks Cuddy for the chart and his dose of pills. If I were Maddy, I wouldn't be so quick to hand my daughter over to a guy who makes fun of dwarves and keeps asking for his pills, but that's just me.
House enters the meeting room, where the Cottages are sitting around waiting for him. The meeting room is decidedly un-decorated for the holidays, save a couple of poinsettias and a tiny Christmas tree in the center of the table. Gone are the personalized stockings of yesterseason. Also, Chase is sporting a bruise and some swelling where House decked him. "Did you get that looked at?" House asks. That's as close as he'll come to apologizing, so I guess Chase will have to be satisfied with it. "I'm fine," Chase sulks. Meanwhile, Cameron and Foreman seem to have no problem with the fact that their boss PUNCHED one of their co-workers. I'd at least have come to work wearing a knight's helmet for face protection.
House starts talking about their new patient, but Cameron frantically interrupts to ask what he's going to do. "I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own -- the usual," says House. I wonder if I can just cut and paste that line into every interaction House has with his employees. It would certainly save me some time. Foreman says that they all know Wilson "ratted" on House, and that Foreman considers what Wilson did to be a betrayal. And yet, Foreman doesn't seem to consider House's punching Chase in the face to be anything out of the ordinary. Foreman also thinks House should take the deal. House ignores him and tries to talk about the patient. He says that Cuddy thinks the lung collapse was idiopathic, and reminds them that you can't spell "idiopathic" without "idiot." Nor can you spell "take the deal so you don't go to jail. I." Chase tries to talk over his gigantic jaw bruise, saying that he would guess TB, but it's been ruled out. House says that Chase is as much of an idiot as Cuddy is. Chase leaves the room to press charges for assault. Okay, he doesn't. But he could, and House might want to keep that in mind. Then again, Chase might also want to look into working for someone who doesn't attack him. House tells the kids to focus their efforts on the specific type of dwarfism their patient has. Cameron's the first to figure it out, using her Mad Immunologist Skillz to say that CHH dwarves often have compromised immune systems. House awards her a gold star, and she leaves to pin it up to all the other gold stars she's earned since nursery school that you know she still has. Cameron explains that a compromised immune system could have given Abigail a false negative on her TB test. House leaves to do some other TB test on the girl. Cameron runs after him. Foreman and Chase sit around thinking about how much they hate their lives.
While Cameron explains to Abigail how a gallium scan works, House tries to measure Maddy's height with his cane. With a roll of the eyes, she tells him that she's 4'1", which is 1.5 canes in metric. Maddy is officially awesome. House asks Maddy about Abigail's dad and how his average-sized self went about having sex with her. Cameron gawks. I love how House continues to shock people with his off-color inappropriate comments. Three seasons on, and they're still like "what what WHAT?!" at the stuff he says. It's refreshing. House keeps right on going, asking Maddy whether she stood on a table to have sex. "House!" says Cameron. "He'd lay [sic] flat and spin me," Maddy retorts with a sassy flip of her hair. "Mom!" Abigail cries. Oh, dude, if that were my mom, I really think I would have tried to dig a hole in the ground I could disappear into. House just stares at Maddy admiringly. Is this a love connection I see?
The test is all ready, and Cameron tells Abigail to hop up on the table. She comments that that won't be easy, since the table is almost as tall as she is. Cameron gets all upset at her faux pas and offers to lift Abigail up onto the table. "Stop treating her like she's five!" barks Maddy. "Just bring over a stool and let her climb up herself." Ha! After all of House's comments, this is the thing that pisses Mom off? And, I mean, is it really that bad for Cameron to lift Abigail onto the table? Is Cameron supposed to run around the hospital looking for a stool just to make a little person feel self-sufficient? Please. For his part, House says that Cameron also hates Jews. Mom says that she's used to people's "idiocy," shooting a pointed glance back at Cameron, who tries not to burst into tears. It's better than actually being an idiot, Mom adds, looking at House. He looks back at her, and if this were a cartoon, he'd have little hearts for eyeballs. "Care to go for a spin?" he asks. Cameron and Abigail make hilarious faces. Maddy looks like she wouldn't mind trying out House's cane.
Cuddy's not so understanding of what Wilson did as he assumed she'd be. In fact, she's downright pissed, and says that Wilson is getting her hospital's "best doctor" (oooh, slap in the face for our oncologist right there!) in trouble and for not telling her first. Wilson says that he got House an awesome deal and did everyone a favor. Cuddy says that there's no way House is going to take the deal, and that she's surprised Wilson would think House would. Wilson gets panicky, saying that what's done is done, and that he needs Cuddy's help to "avoid a complete disaster." Cuddy gets up from behind her desk and yells that she can't help him; House is a stubborn child and will not take the deal. Liz Friedman's name pops up as the writer of this episode, and rumor has it that she's a very nice woman with a great sense of humor. Wilson has a brilliant idea: Cuddy should stop giving House Vicodin and say that the only way he can get it back is to agree to the deal. And then he will! Except that the deal he'd be agreeing to will separate House from his Vicodin for two months. I don't see why he'd rather have two months without Vicodin than three days, but good luck with that, Wilson. Cuddy doesn't want to do this; without Vicodin, House won't be able to function, and he has a patient to treat. Wilson doesn't think they have a choice. But...if House cuts the dwarf in half, she'll only be a quarter of a person!
The gallium scan shows no problem in Abigail's lungs, although House notes that her liver looks dark compared to the rest of her organs. The Cottages refuse to believe that there's a problem with Abigail's liver, but House persists. Foreman thinks House is just trying to avoid the step, which would be checking Abigail for lung cancer and having to deal with Wilson. Cuddy marches in and tells House that they need to talk. He says he won't take the deal, and orders the Cottages to do an ultrasound of Abigail's liver. They stand. "Sit down!" Cuddy barks at them. Cameron makes the absolute best "whoa, power struggle going on right here!" face as she follows the order. House tries to see how long he and Cuddy can order the Cottages around, but Cuddy is never fun and says that he's off the case, and that his treatment privileges have been suspended until he takes the deal. Can she do that? House asks what else Cuddy's holding over his head, and she says that she's cutting off his Vicodin. With a rather rude sweep of her hand, she orders the Cottages off to get an MRI of the Abigail's lungs. I'm sure Abigail will be thrilled to be back in the hands of the doctor who didn't think she had anything wrong with her in the first place. As Cuddy turns to leave, House says she'll be begging him to save their patient before he begs her for Vicodin. Cuddy says she hopes House is wrong about that. She should know by now that House is never wrong. Except for that time he tried to saw the girl's arm and leg off.
While Abigail suffers in the MRI of DOOOM!, the Cottages discuss what's happening to their boss. Cameron, of course, is indignant on his behalf. Foreman thinks the ends (getting House off Vicodin) will justify the means (the past six episodes). I hope he's right. Chase is actually doing his job, and says that Abigail's MRI looks clean so far. Abigail starts fidgeting in the MRI and begs to be let out. They ignore her in favor of discussing House: Chase says he's happy with whatever lets them keep their jobs, and says the MRI is clean. No lung cancer. Abigail starts coughing as the MRI of DOOOM! gives her an early Christmas present: bloody barf. Makes for a great stocking stuffer!
The Cottages report to Cuddy that House was totally right about Abigail's liver, which is shutting down, causing the bloody vomit. They're sure to really rub it in that House was right and Cuddy was wrong until she tells them to move on. What causes liver disease and a collapsed lung? Cameron guesses cirrhosis, while Wilson, who's in the room for no reason, suggests a hepatoma. "She's fifteen. It's not liver cancer," Cameron snaps at Wilson. Right, like cirrhosis is any more likely? Isn't that something old alcoholics get? Cameron says that her diagnosis is much better than Wilson's, and Foreman rushes off to do a liver biopsy while Chase goes off to search the dwarf house for drugs and alcohol that might have caused the condition. Wilson asks Cameron if they can have a little chat. She obliges, but is sure to show lots of attitude about it.
Cameron and Wilson enter an empty exam room, and Wilson asks Cameron what her problem is with him. Cameron denies having any problem with him, saying that his hepatoma idea just sucked. Wilson thinks she's mad at him for making that deal with Shitter, and she says that the deal certainly did benefit Wilson, who got his car and practice back. Wilson's patients must have been so confused when he shipped them all off to different doctors only to call them back, like, three days later and ask them to come back. Don't cancer patients have enough to deal with? Wilson says that he was happy to give up his stuff, and only made the deal because House was attacking employees and stuff. Cameron narrows her eyes at Wilson and says the fact remains that talking to Shitter improved Wilson's life and caused House's to take a turn for the worse. Um, why is everyone acting like House did nothing wrong here? Shitter would have nothing on him if he hadn't forged those prescriptions. Wilson was facing all kinds of trouble for something he had nothing to do with. No one should be mad at him simply for telling the truth. Plus, he did it in a way that allowed his friend to keep his job. House shouldn't necessarily be pleased with Wilson right now, but why would the Cottages be so pissed? Wilson maintains that he did the right thing. "Your pretending your motives are pure is why I have a problem," says Cameron, her voice in an angry whisper. Oh PUH-LEEZE, Cameron! Like she's never done something under the auspices of pure motives? Why does Wilson feel like he has to explain anything to her or put up with her little self-righteous "don't be self-righteous" rant?
Meanwhile, the totally innocent House who did nothing wrong is TRYING TO PICK THE LOCK ON CUDDY'S DESK DRAWER to steal some Vicodin. Foreman walks in and spots House, who says that Cuddy is stuck in the little drawer and he's trying to rescue her. But Foreman knows that dwarfism isn't contagious and doesn't believe House. He says that House was right about Abigail's liver, but House won't give up any more information, since this isn't his case anymore. Then House proposes a deal: he'll give Foreman information about the case if Foreman helps him to break into Cuddy's desk. Foreman agrees to this, much to House's surprise. He thought Foreman would love watching him suffer. While Foreman fashions some lock-picking tools out of paper clips , House says that they're looking at a problem involving Abigail's entire body, not just select organs. They need to get ahead of the disease, which House thinks will strike Abigail's pancreas . Foreman unlocks the drawer and gives House some advice: "Only an idiot goes to prison for being stubborn." As opposed to all those really smart people who go to prison for armed robbery. House rips the drawer open, but there's no Vicodin inside. Foreman sincerely apologizes to House, who's starting to look desperate.
Chase brings in his findings from the dwarf house and I am very disappointed that we didn't get to see Maddy and Abigail's home, which I imagine looks exactly like the Seven Dwarfs' home in Snow White. What a missed opportunity that was! Chase found olive oil in a medicine cabinet, which can be used to treat ear infections. Cameron says that those are common with CHH dwarves, but Chase says that ear infections could be a symptom as well. He also found laxatives, and Cameron chalks those up to being a CHH dwarf as well. Cameron really doesn't want to create any more work for herself than she has to this week, does she?
Cuddy walks in -- followed by her now ever-present companion Wilson -- wondering who ordered some kind of pancreas test. Foreman says he thinks they should concentrate on Abigail's pancreas now, quoting House with no shame. "House, you've tanned," says Wilson. Foreman tries to be indignant that they don't think he's capable of such great diagnosing, but then admits that, yeah, he totally cheated and got the answers from House. Cuddy says that those answers were wrong, since the test was negative. She wants them to test for bile duct cancer. Foreman protests that just because one test came back negative doesn't rule out a pancreas problem. Wilson says that House just offered up an organ to get his fix, and that they shouldn't take his advice seriously. And that's how Abigail died.
Over at PPTH's bitter rival, St. Sebastian's Hospital, House is trying to convince an ER doctor that he broke a face bone in a car accident. He even has a forged discharge slip from PPTH to prove that he was in an accident. The St. Sebastian doctor -- who isn't nearly as attractive as PPTH's employees -- offers to write House a prescription for painkillers. But not for Vicodin. House dismisses all of the doctor's non-Vicodin painkiller options until the doctor says that Vicodin would really help House out, but, unfortunately, St. Sebastian's has rule about giving opiates to new patients. It's kind of sad that a lot of hospitals have to have policies like that these days. Thanks to drug addicts, my brother couldn't get any painkillers stronger than ibuprofen when he broke his foot. House is very upset about this rule, of course, saying that since he's obviously not trying to score drugs, he should get his Vicodins. The doctor maintains that it's against the rules. House gets really pissed and confronts the doctor with his medical knowledge, and the doctor realizes that House is a fellow doctor and starts to call security. I wonder if St. Sebastian's security team is better than PPTH's. I think it would have to be.
A worried Abigail waits for the doctors to stick a tube down her throat to look at her liver. The doctors above her are more concerned with using her condition to make veiled references to House: Wilson says that sticking a tube down a patient's throat can be painful, but is ultimately helpful. Foreman counters that they should respect their patient's wishes and not force things on them. Abigail tires of this and falls asleep. Wilson and Foreman are concerned; they haven't given Abigail the sedative yet. Foreman notes that Abigail's breath smells "fruity," a sign of diabetic ketoacidosis, which means Abigail's pancreas is fucked, y'all!
And here's where the show takes a turn for the melodramatic. Cuddy shows up on House's doorstep. He's going through withdrawal and looking crappy. Cuddy begs him to help her out with Abigail, but House won't do it without his pills. And on one hand, it's shitty of House to care more about his pills than he does about an innocent patient's life. On the other hand, PPTH really needs to hire at least one more competent doctor so that they aren't forced to go begging to House when they're stumped. I mean, really. It's pathetic. I'll bet St. Sebastian's doesn't do this. They probably have, like, five competent doctors over there. House asks whether Cuddy would rather let a patient die than give House his pills. She says she'd rather lose one patient now than however many will die when House is in prison. That's a good point, although I have a feeling Maddy and Abigail wouldn't be so thrilled with it. House slams the door in Cuddy's face. She's shocked.
Cuddy, Wilson, and the Cottages meet in Cuddy's office to figure out what's wrong with Abigail. Cameron takes a second to gloat over the fact that House was totally right and they're killing Abigail by depriving him of his Vicodin, and then everyone gets down to business. Chase suggests Langerhans cell histiocytosis, and is dismissed by Foreman, who says that usually starts in the brain and Abigail has no neurological symptoms. Wilson suggests Hodgkin's lymphoma, much to Cameron's eye-rolling disgust. She knocks the oncologist for only coming up with cancer diagnoses, and then proceeds to make an autoimmune disease diagnosis when she's an immunologist. House's Christmas present to me: Cameron is her Season 1 ridiculous self and I get to have much fun making fun of her. Thanks, guys! Cameron is so desperate to shoot down Wilson's theories that she even suggests lupus, which it never is. They squabble for a while, and then Cuddy finally breaks up the fight and tells Wilson to do an LP for lymphoma, and has the Cottages run an antibody test for lupus, which it never is. As for Cuddy, she'll be sighing sadly and looking tired and torn.
Wilson tells Maddy that they'll be doing an LP a little higher up on Abigail than usual because of her dwarfism. He says that they're testing her for both cancer and lupus, and she starts to figure out that they have no idea what's killing her daughter. "We have several theories," says Wilson, trying to look knowledgeable. Maddy asks for House, and is told by stammering crap liar Wilson that House "had to go home sick." Maddy says that House had better be really freaking sick to go home instead of saving her daughter's life. Wilson says that he is. Yeah, he's sick, all right. Sick of you!
There's another knock at House's door. This time, it's Cameron. I'm disappointed; I wanted it to be Maddy. Oh well. "Unless you've got Vicodin, go away," House calls through the door. I'll bet a few delivery people were very confused by that greeting today. "House, it's me!" says Cameron, expecting that to change his mind. But he opens the door slightly, revealing a very sick-looking House indeed. Dude, that's a lot of detoxing in just one day. "Oh, God," says Cameron when she sees him. Well, that will make him feel ever so much better, I'm sure. Also, why is Cameron in soft focus in this shot? Is it even Cameron? All I see is a fuzzy peach-colored blob, which only tells me that it isn't Foreman. Cameron notices that House has a bandaged, still-bleeding arm. "I cut myself," he says. Cameron forces herself inside, much to House's dismay, although he doesn't stop her, either. I really hope he cut himself by accident. I don't think I'll be able to take this show seriously if House turns into a teenage girl who cuts herself.
Cameron takes care of House's arm wound, and says that they know Abigail doesn't have lymphoma. And she isn't here on Cuddy's request; she says that Cuddy doesn't trust her not to give House pills. "Is she right?" House asks ever-so-hopefully. Cameron notices that the cuts on House's arm are straight lines. "You did this on purpose!" she says. Oh...oh. Oh, no. My show has turned into a Lifetime movie. Tori Spelling is going to get raped by the captain of the football team and a normal, well-to-do housewife has a secret gambling addiction that threatens to tear her family apart! Is that Meredith Baxter-Birney I see lurking around the corner? Someone is going to SLEEP WITH DANGER! But there's still hope, as House simply states that cutting releases endorphins, which relieve pain. When presented all straightforward and scientific like that, it's not so bad. Whew! Show: saved. Although...aren't there other things that release endorphins? Like laughter? Why not try that instead, House? Sigh. Cameron presses House to talk about Abigail, but he says that once the girl is cured, Cuddy will have no reason to give him Vicodin. Cameron doubts that Cuddy will fold regardless of what happens to Abigail. House sighs and says that Cameron's autoimmune diagnosis fits better than Wilson's, although lupus usually attacks the kidneys first, and Abigail's kidneys are fine. That, and the fact that it's never lupus. Cameron urges House to take the deal, saying that he'll be fine without Vicodin. She points out that, after he got shot, he stayed "clean" for months. And how did he go about that, exactly? Maybe his ketamine coma outlasted the withdrawal symptoms? House says that staying off Vicodin was easy then because he wasn't in pain.
But even in pain, House can have a Brilliant Idea. He asks Cameron if Abigail's been sick lately. Besides the collapsed lung and the failing liver and pancreas, I'm assuming he means. Cameron says that Abigail has a "history of ear infections," omitting the detail that Chase figured that one out and she totally pooh-poohed it. House tries to think of a clever metaphor, but without Vicodin, he can't. So he just says that the ear infection might have triggered a non-lupus auto-immune disease. He thinks it's Still's disease, and recommends a course of treatment for it; Cameron begs him again to stop his misery even though you know she's enjoying this.
Cameron returns to the hospital, where Cuddy is waiting for her. It's not clear whether Cuddy sent Cameron out to see House after all, or if she just knew Cameron would do it anyway, but Cameron tells her about the Still's disease. Cuddy whines that the disease is almost impossible to confirm, and the treatment is it very dangerous to someone in Abigail's condition if they're wrong. So it's just like every other illness this show has ever featured. I say, go for it! Oh, hold up -- we're only thirty-four minutes into the episode. Better not. Cuddy asks Cameron how House is doing, and Cameron snottily asks whether Cuddy wants to know because she cares about House or because she wants to know if she can trust his medical opinion. "Both," Cuddy says, forgetting to add, "you're fired." Cameron says that House isn't looking good and has even started cutting himself. Cuddy shakes her head sadly: "That's so clichéd!" she moans. "But he's still House," Cameron finishes. That's enough for Cuddy: she orders the treatment.
House is in so much pain that he didn't even bother to button up his shirt before coming in to work. He announces to Wilson that his clever little plan to force House to take Shitter's deal isn't working; there's only one day left on Shitter's deal, and House is totally awesome without his Vicodin: "My pride far surpasses my instinct for self-preservation." Oh, if only his pride surpassed his instinct to cut himself! House urges Wilson to give up. Wilson says that will send House to jail. "I've done nothing wrong," says House. Wilson repeats that House will go to jail. Probably directly to jail, too. He will not pass Go; he will not collect two hundred dollars. House begs Wilson to give him something that will relieve his nausea. He says that he's been puking non-stop, which I'm sure Cameron and anyone else House close-talked to really appreciated. House points out that the anti-nausea stuff is something rehab would give him anyway. But the whole point of this is that House isn't in rehab and Wilson won't do anything to alleviate House's suffering. He goes off to see a patient.
House follows him into his patient's room, where we see that Wilson's patient has died. Shocking, I know. Wilson consoles the guy's new widow while the guy is still lying in his hospital bed, decomposing away. Ew! House tries to cheer the widow up by saying that she won't have to go by "Mrs. Zebalusky" anymore. Is "Zebalusky" really the worst Polish name the writers could come up with? From my experience, "Zebalusky" is actually one of the more easy-to-pronounce Polish names. There's no more than two consonants together at one time and a total lack of W's. Anyway, Mrs. Zebalusky's response to this is the standard stare of horrified disbelief House usually gets. Wilson starts to apologize for his friend, who then starts telling Mrs. Zebalusky what a crappy doctor Wilson is, wondering if he even got Mr. Zebalusky's death correct. I guess that's why they're hanging out in his room -- to see if he starts rotting to confirm it. Wilson doesn't force House of the room, like I would have at this point, but actually tries to reason with him. House laughs in his face and says that, even in his condition, he managed to out-diagnose Wilson with the Still's thing. The Widow Zebalusky asks House to leave, and he actually has enough humanity left to apologize to her and leave the room. Oh, no, wait -- he's only leaving because he snuck some of Mr. Zebalusky's pain meds into his pocket and was trying to make a quick getaway. Wilson stops him and takes the dead man's oxycodone out of House's pocket. "Curses!" says House, "foiled again!"
Wilson is hanging out in Cuddy's office when she returns. She says that Abigail is doing much better on the Still's meds, and Wilson sighs that it never occurred to him. Maybe that's because Still's disease is usually marked by joint pain, high fevers, and a rash, symptoms Abigail doesn't have. Cuddy tells Wilson not to beat himself up over missing the diagnosis: "I didn't get it either." That's...not much consolation. Cuddy never gets it. She's the only doctor at PPTH who's worse than Wilson.
Wilson then has a ridiculous secret car meeting with Shitter. He tells Shitter that he's changed his mind and will not testify against House. Addicts, says Wilson, hurt people with their habits. House's addiction allows him to do the opposite: "Statistically, House is a positive force in the universe." Yeah, and Hitler helped Germany out of its post-WWI depression and made it strong again. And he loved dogs! It doesn't mean we should have let him go about his business. Not that House is Hitler or anything close to that, but you know what I mean. Shitter points out that Vicodin doesn't make House a genius. He can save lives and be a positive force in the universe without it. Hey, Shitter's actually making sense! I'm starting to warm up to him -- oh, and then he tells Wilson that if he refuses to testify against House, Shitter will just use Wilson's statements against House and charge Wilson with interfering with an investigation. And then Wilson can join House in jail. It's really too bad that the Princeton PD is putting all this effort into sending House and friends to jail while the crazed gunman who shot a doctor in his own hospital runs around free as a bird.
House washes his face and notices that his hands are shaking. Life sucks when you're House.
Maddy calls for Cameron. Abigail is bleeding out of her mouth again.
House stops by the pharmacy to ask recurring character Marco the Pharmacist for Mr. Zebalusky's meds. The long-suffering Marco says that Zebalusky is Wilson's patient, and House says that Wilson is busy and asked House to get the meds for him. He also points out that Mr. Zebalusky is currently in agony without his pain medicine, in an effort to light a fire under the increasingly suspicious Marco's ass. Marco tells House to sign the book and gives House the meds. Uh oh.
While some random guy dressed like a chauffeur walks by with a huge-ass Christmas present, House huddles in the stairwell and takes his sweet, sweet meds. The ones that belong to a dead guy. I think the line has been crossed. Again.
Chase brings the crew up to speed on Abigail's condition. The news isn't good. She doesn't have Still's after all, and she'll go into multi-system failure if they don't figure out what's wrong with her soon. Foreman says that Abigail's head CT was clear, so the problem isn't neurological, and therefore his level of expertise has been reached. Cameron and Wilson's departments are still in the running, so they fight over whether Abigail has cancer or an autoimmune disease again. Actually, it's more like Wilson is trying to throw out some suggestions and Cameron is shooting them all down with an eyeroll that suggests that Wilson is a total retard. Foreman shuts them up, saying that they keep bouncing back and forth between cancer and autoimmune and not getting anywhere. Everyone looks to Cuddy for a decision. "Give me half an hour," she says. You hear that, Abigail's kidneys? Cuddy needs a half an hour. Don't go shutting down now.
House rides the Oxy wave and enjoys the first meal he's been able to keep down in two days: four hot dogs and a plate of fries. His fun time is soon ruined, however, when an adorable girl in a wheelchair approaches the table and asks for some of his fries. "Get your own!" he says. Seriously; what kind of awful manners does that girl have, asking a random guy to give her his fries like that? I blame the parents. She says that House took the last ones. Well, that's another thing PPTH sucks at: having enough fries in stock to feed the sick kids. House asks the girl what's wrong with her. "I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy," she says. Little kids should never have to know words that big. Since SMA isn't contagious, House hands the plate of fries to the girl. He even compliments her stuffed animal. I think he should make this switch from Vicodin to Oxycontin permanent; it's doing wonders for his mood so far. Now that the little girl has what she wants, she's not so nice. When House says "Nice bear," she coldly replies, "It's a dog." Cuddy walks up and informs House that his Still's diagnosis was wrong and Abigail is now bleeding from her nose and mouth. Geez, Cuddy, not in front of the kids. Girl's trying to enjoy her fries and childhood innocence. House decides to enter an argument he can win, and insists that the girl's stuffed animal is a bear. "His name's Bill. He's a dog," the girl says, as if having the name "Bill" excludes one from being a bear. Cuddy pulls some Vicodin out of her pocket and waves it in front of House. But he is not tempted. He tells the girl that Bill is a bear. "Are you on something?" Cuddy asks. This gets her an adorable "Don't you know me by now?" look from House. Cuddy can't believe it. House still can't believe Bill is a dog, even though the girl points out that he has fur, four legs, and a collar. Those first two things don't really differentiate a bear from a dog, but she does have a point with the last one. House tells her that is a "faulty syllogism": "Just because you call a bear a dog doesn't mean that he is..." and here House trails off because he's just had another Brilliant Realization. "We've gotta x-ray our patient's leg," he tells Cuddy, and they're off.
The x-ray shows a perfectly normal leg. That, House says, is the problem. He takes a few pills, and Wilson just goes "wha-what...?" like it never occurred to him that House would find a way to get his pain meds. His shock and disbelief are pretty funny, though. House adds that their "dwarf" has normal growth plates. This, Cuddy points out, is impossible. Wilson asks House how many pills he's taken. "Not as many as I'm gonna take. Forgotten how delicious they were," House smiles. He tells Wilson and Cuddy to forget his vices and concentrate on his virtues -- namely, that he's brilliant. The only way a dwarf can have normal growth plates is if she's not a dwarf. Everyone assumed that she was one because of her mother, and House says that there's no test for CHH. Although you'd think someone would have, like, taken an x-ray or something somewhere along the line and noticed the growth-plate thing, wouldn't you? Maddy should have taken her kid to St. Sebastian's. So now they have one more symptom to add to Abigail's list: stunted growth. That means she has a long-term pituitary gland problem, the pituitary gland being the thing that secretes the growth hormone. Cuddy and Wilson, of course, are totally lost as to what this could be, so House helps them along. It's not cancer, and it's not an autoimmune thing; it's both! Cameron and Wilson will have to share the trophy. Although it should really go to Chase, who figured out what this was a long time ago. Not that anyone cares or will acknowledge this. And if Chase tries to take credit for it, he'll probably get punched in the face again. House explains that Abigail has Langerhans cell histiocytosis. The autoimmune component to the disease improved when they treated her for Still's disease. But the cancer part didn't respond to that, so she got worse again. Cuddy says that they dismissed Langerhans because Abigail didn't have any neurological symptoms. "It's not your fault. The only neurological symptom was her height. Who could've noticed?" House rubs it in. Ah, but he is brilliant. They should play the music that used to play when Popeye ate spinach whenever House takes his pills. Opiates give House super-diagnosis powers!
House explains Langerhans to Abigail and Maddy. He shows them an image of Abigail's brain, pointing out her pituitary gland and the tumor that's been crushing it. Uh, yeah...way to catch that tumor in those CT scans and MRIs of Abigial's head, guys. Maddy can't believe what she's hearing: her daughter isn't a dwarf after all. Abigail asks about her mother, and House says that she is the "real deal." A small victory for Maddy. Abigail's ear infections caused a cascade of the same cells that created that tumor. Those cells attacked her internal organs, causing all her problems. Now, all they have to do is nuke the cells with chemotherapy and then surgically remove the tumor. Mom asks what will happen then, and House provides a visual demonstration. His oxycodone pill represents growth hormone and he kneels down to represent short Abigail. He dry-swallows the pill and stands upright to represent a taller Abigail. She will never be a giant, but she'll definitely be more average height than her mother. Abigail thinks, and then asks what happens if she doesn't take the growth hormone. "Your body needs growth hormone for lots of things. Like, to grow," House says, not having any of this. Abigail says that she doesn't want to grow: "I like who I am now." Her mother smiles proudly. House asks Abigail if she really wants to go through life not being able to reach things and being at eye-level with everyone else's ass. Growth hormone, House says, is Abigail's "ticket out of the freak show." Yeah, call her mother a freak. That'll win Abigail over.
House limps out of the room. Maddy follows him. In the hall, she confronts House about why he has to make Abigail feel like life as a dwarf isn't worth living every time he talks to her. House says he just wants Abigail to be "tall enough to wipe her own butt," and then laughs at his quip. "Are you high?" Maddy asks. "Higher than you!" House replies immediately. Oxycodone has not dulled his insult reflexes, I see. Excellent. Maddy says that she won't force Abigail to chose "the easy path," and House calls her a bad mother for wanting her daughter's life to be needlessly difficult so that she can become stronger by overcoming adversity: "You and I have found out that being normal sucks. 'Cause we're freaks. The advantage of being a freak is it makes you stronger. Now, how strong do you really want her to have to be?" He's actually getting kind of serious here, and adds, "You told her what you had to tell her. Now you tell her you lied. Even if you didn't." He leaves Maddy with that. It's a nice little insight into why House is being so stubborn about not taking the deal; I think he sees his leg and the Vicodin as being things that make him different than everyone else, and, not liking other people, he likes that. He's afraid that if he has to give up what he sees as an integral part of his personality, he'll be more normal and lose something of himself that he enjoys. It's a similar decision to what he faced when he was shot last season and ended up deciding that ketamine was worth the possible mental side effects. So why doesn't he want to make the same kind of choice this time?
So Maddy tells Abigail that by taking the growth hormone, Abigail will just become the person she was supposed to be. Abigail says that her mother hates normal, and that being normal will make her "fade into the background"; she worries that she'll become boring. Oh, please, Abigail. She must know enough by now to know that size doesn't have anything to do with how exciting you are. "We'll get you a funny hat," says Maddy. Now, can someone say that to House? Abigail asks her mother if she wants her to be just like everyone else. "I want you to have what I can't," Maddy replies. Which is what, exactly? A car that doesn't have special platforms on the brake and gas pedals? A kitchen with upper cabinets?
Meanwhile, House sits in his office, listening to music on his headphones and twirling his bottle of pills in his hand, riding the high. Wilson stops by on his way out to inform House that Abigail agreed to take the growth hormone after all. "Who's Abigail?" House pretends not to know. Please, House. He knew her name well enough before; he's not going to convince me that he doesn't care enough about her to know it now. Wilson asks House what he's planning on doing tonight for Christmas Eve, hoping House would rather spend it with him (at the New Jersey Best Western? Fun!) than with Oxy. House laughs in his face. Well, it was a nice try, Wilson, but I can't see how you expected any other response. Gone are the days of laughter and Chinese food.
The pill bottle is looking alarmingly near-empty when House is back at his place. He puts it down for a second while he calls his parents. He leaves a message on their answering machine, since they are apparently out at "Aunt Sara's." SHOUT-OUT?! I doubt it, since Sara tends to be a fairly common name. If this show ever has a Clinic patient dying the most horrible death ever and that patient is named something like "Mara Sorrison," then maybe. Hey, they could even get me to play the part! I'm very good at screaming in pain. I'd even let them show me bleeding out of my ass. And Deran Sarafian could shoot the entire scene up my nose! Call me! Okay, so, House laughs that his hated father is probably drunk and his sainted mother is probably eating a dried-out turkey and trying to act like it tastes great. House pauses for a scary length of time, and then sadly wishes both parents a Merry Christmas and hangs up. Then he finishes off a glass of Maker's Mark and the rest of his pills. Well, at least he's not cutting himself, I guess.
A knock on the door carries us into the scene. It's Wilson, saying that he's checking up on House to make sure he's okay after calling three times and not getting an answer. He enters the apartment and finds House on the floor to a small pool of vomit. And really nasty-looking vomit, too. I know all vomit looks nasty, but this is all white and chunky. The worst kind! Wilson rushes over and turns House over; he's conscious, but not very with it. And gross. Wilson spots an empty pill bottle and picks it up, seeing that it's Mr. Zebalusky's bottle. It also says "not to exceed four per day." House has taken over seven times this amount. And had a lot to drink. He's lucky he's not dead. Or maybe he thinks he's unlucky he's not dead; I can't figure out whether that call home was his sort of suicide note or what. House kind of rolls around on the floor, and sort of seems to acknowledge Wilson's presence in the room. He's not there for long, though, as he stands up, throws the pill bottle on the ground to House, and leaves. He's leaving to call an ambulance, right? Or go get Cameron to do some home nursing? He's not just leaving the ODing guy on the floor, right? Right?
And then we're in Shitter's office. It's after 2 in the morning, and House stops by to visit. He seems remarkably healthy for someone who was passed out on the floor in his own vomit a few hours ago. As for Shitter, well, it's a few hours into Christmas Day, and he's sitting at his desk, charging Princeton an assload of overtime pay. I'm just going to imagine that he's there to follow up on a case involving a rapist-murderer and actually doing some meaningful police work so that my head doesn't explode. Especially when House says that he's finally ready to take Shitter's deal, and Shitter says that it's "off the table." No, the time limit didn't run out -- Shitter got some new evidence and no longer needs Wilson's testimony, making the deal null and void. You see, Shitter got his hands on the pharmacy's log and found House signing out a dead man's drugs. Oh, goddammit, now, how did Shitter get access to pharmacy records? And death records? They'd have to be specific ones, too, stating the time of Mr. Zebalusky's death and not just the day. And all in one day, that day being Christmas Eve?! I guess House shouldn't have been so mean to Marco the Pharmacist. Or to Mrs. Zebalusky. Shitter chuckles to himself. "Jesus walks, huh?" Shitter smirks, getting his coat and heading out. So he was staying at work waiting for House to show up just to throw that in his face? How is that even worth it? It's 2 in the morning! Revenge is never more important than sleep. Especially not work-related revenge. Awful, horrible Shitter! I almost believed that he was doing the right thing until this! What a douchebag! "Merry Christmas," Shitter says as he goes. House just stands there with an "oh...shit" look on his face. I don't think we've ever seen him looking this clueless and panicky. I hope he trashed the hell out of Shitter's desk. At the very least, I hope he took a crap in one of his drawers.
And that's the end of the episode! Oh, well. I never thought a Christmas episode featuring dwarves could be such a downer, but there you go. I hope you all have much merrier holidays than House did. As for me, I'll be in England, where I expect to run into Hugh Laurie. It's a very small country, so this seems assured. I'll tell you all about it in the new year!