All's well in Cuddy and House's relationship until Cuddy pees blood and scans show that she may very well have a cancerous tumor in her kidney that metastasized to her lungs. Then, House is nowhere to be found except in her dreams, which are instantly recognizable to us because Cuddy dreams in sitcoms, classic movies, and insane Busby Berkeley-esque musical numbers. House, on the other hand, dreams in zombie movies. Much cooler. Cuddy turns out to have a benign tumor in her kidney and an allergic reaction in her lungs to antibiotics that Cuddy somehow lived for over 40 years without realizing she was allergic to. And House manages to get over himself and be at her side when she goes into surgery and finds out the good news, leaving only to tell the other patient of the week, a teenager with some serious emotional disturbances, that he has a staph infection, thanks to shrapnel from one of his homemade pipe bombs getting into his bloodstream via his self-inflicted cuts. Just when things are looking good on the Cuddy/House front, Cuddy realizes that House was only able to finally show up at her bedside because he took Vicodin to numb himself from feeling any pain. After lecturing him on not being able to be there for her when she needed him, she turns her back on House and dumps him when he needs her. I think they might both be better off, although House certainly doesn't seem to see it that way.
We open on Cuddy in bed, since this show is no longer about patients. Seriously, isn't this, like, the tenth episode this season to open in Cuddy's bed? What happened between last season and this one that made the writers decide that we wanted to be in Cuddy's bed all the time? Are they just really tired lately? Cuddy wakes up to her 6:30 alarm, only to find House has already left for work. Oh, no, wait -- he's just hiding under her bed waiting for her to walk past so he can grab her leg and scare the crap out of her. It's the only thing he'll ever get up early for. Cuddy remarks that she's dating a ten year-old, like that's news. They make out on the floor for a while with their stinky morning breath (every time I see people kissing first thing in a morning on TV all I can think about it is how they have morning breath) until Cuddy runs off to pee. She's in the bathroom all of two seconds before letting out a panicked "House?" House ignores her, as he's too busy making comments about all the cool stuff he found under Cuddy's bed. "House, shut up," Cuddy says. He does, and Cuddy follows that up by informing him that she's peeing blood. Which, on this show, can only mean two things: her kidneys are shutting down, and she should be happy she's not shitting blood, like most patients.
After the abbreviated opening credits, Cuddy is at PPTH being prepared to have a cystoscope shoved up her urethra. House is by her side, which she appreciates. The Cottages are there, too, which she is not as thrilled with. House says they have to be here for a differential diagnosis session on House's actual patient of the week, a sixteen-year-old boy named Ryan who spit up blood during a pick-up basketball game. Lung and gastrointestinal causes have already been ruled out, so Martha M. Masters and Taub suggest a few other possibilities. Cuddy's doctor says he's ready to get to work on Cuddy now, and Cuddy orders House to remove the Cottages, as her urethra is not here to entertain them. House comments that it is "good time adjacent" and sends them off to send a camera through Ryan's digestive system to check for Taub's suggestion of angiodysplasia.
They leave, and House asks Cuddy's doctor to be on the lookout for a watch he lost while he's poking around in Cuddy's private area. This gets him removed from the room as well. Meanwhile, really, Cuddy? A little blood in your urine and you're having a scope stuck up your peehole? You know, one time, I peed blood and not only did I finish out the rest of my shift at work, but I also didn't run around the ER I went to afterwards demanding all these extensive medical tests. They just gave me a bunch of antibiotics for a UTI and sent me on my way.
As Ryan's parents look on, Taub shows them the tiny little camera pill Ryan is going to swallow and asks why his medical records show some weight loss over the past year. Ryan's dad says it's probably because Ryan's been eating less after quitting the swim team, which is obviously a sore spot for the entire family, as Ryan defensively says he wasn't having fun because he had to wake up early. Taub then sends the parents out of the room so he can talk to their son about sex, only to ask Ryan how long he's been cutting himself, noting the suspiciously even and straight scars on his stomach. Ryan claims he fell off his skateboard into a fence. Taub asks another question. Noting Ryan's loss of appetite and quitting an activity he used to enjoy, he asks Ryan how long he's been depressed.
Taub reports to House that the camera pill didn't find anything, but he was able to find out that Ryan is depressed and smoking pot to feel better. If the pot was laced with toxic chemicals, that could cause Ryan's spitting blood problem. Some other PPTH employee walks up and hands House a chart in exchange for some cash. House tells Taub to check Ryan's blood for toxins and takes off without, much to Taub's annoyance, giving Taub any money. Sorry, Taub, but that's only for the PPTH employees with no morals or sense of patient confidentiality. Which, come to think of it, accurately describes Taub.
House reports to Cuddy's office and reads off the results of her cystoscopy, which show that there are no problems in her bladder. Cuddy isn't too upset about the fact that someone besides her was able to get his hands on her confidential information, thus showing some serious issues with the staff of the hospital she runs, and says the clean cystoscopy isn't proof that her kidneys aren't the problem. House dismisses this, saying Cuddy is just worrying about this more than she should or normally would because of her mother's health scare last month. He warns her that if she's not careful, she'll become a hypochondriac just like her mother. Except for the part where it was suggested that Murphy wasn't a hypochondriac after all, but really did have all those symptoms she complained about and her stupid doctor daughter ignored them instead of checking to make sure her mother's artificial hip wasn't leaking cobalt all over the place. Cuddy says House is right and she's probably making a big deal out of nothing. House nods and tells her to meet him in the cafeteria, where a corn dog that he no doubt stole or paid for with Wilson's credit card will be waiting for her. Wow, a corn dog? She really is dating a ten-year-old. An easily-fooled ten-year-old, for as soon as House is out the door, Cuddy is on the phone scheduling a kidney ultrasound.
Back with the patient we don't care about, Taub hooks Ryan up to an IV treatment for his possible toxin exposure and Ryan thanks him for not telling his father how Taub suspects Ryan was exposed. Taub says he was sixteen once, too. Ryan says Taub must also have been depressed, since he realized what was going on with Ryan in just a few minutes when Ryan's family and friends have been clueless for months. I'm sure if Ryan's family and friends got a look at the obvious self-harm scars on Ryan's belly, they would have figured it out, too. Taub suggests that Ryan talk to his parents instead of waiting for them to notice something. Ryan says he's tried, but it always ends with them taking his unhappiness personally and him having to make them feel better instead of the other way around. It must suck to have selfish pricks for parents. Ryan says they don't "get" him. No one does. So, Taub decides to open up to Ryan, saying that when he was in medical school, he couldn't handle the pressure as well as everyone else seemed to be able to and ended up "hurting [him]self." So I guess he lied to Kumar after all. Too bad; maybe if he had told Kumar the truth, Kumar would have come to him to talk instead of killing himself and going to work for Obama before signing on for another Harold and Kumar movie. Taub says hurting himself was "the stupidest thing [he's] ever done" (not cheating on Mrs. Taub? Okay... ) before noticing red spots in Ryan's eyeballs.
For some reason, Wilson is doing Cuddy's ultrasound. He tries to ease the tension by commenting on Cuddy's nice skin. Cuddy thanks him for the compliment, then tells him to "talk to [her] like any other patient." Um, Cuddy? He is. Lest we forget that Wilson sleeps with his patients from time to time. Wilson talks to Cuddy like any other patient by asking her if she's sucking in her stomach. Cuddy claims that she isn't, then admits that she is. It's all fun and games until Wilson finds a mass in Cuddy's kidney.
You guys!! Who IS that handsome man playing a dolphin guitar in the Dairy Queen commercial? Such talent! Such salesmanship! He makes me want to buy Dairy Queen cheeseburgers ALL THE TIME! Where can we see more of this man??? My opinion is totally unbiased.
After the break, House and the Cottages are in the meeting room discussing Ryan's newest symptom. Well, the Cottages are. House's nose is stuck in a laptop. Martha is clueless as to what could possibly be distracting House, while Chase finally asks him if everything is okay with Cuddy. House slams the laptop shut and says she's fine but "too stupid" to accept it. Cuddy is too stupid to do a lot of things. Like be the Dean of Medicine. Also, Chase got a haircut and I don't like it. Just wanted to throw that out there. House tells the Cottages to start Ryan on antibiotics for the staph infection he doesn't have and heads out.
House bursts into a meeting Cuddy is having with her lawyer, in which she goes over what should happen to her finances and her daughter in the event of her death. House accuses her of overreacting to the results of an ultrasound that was probably performed by an idiot. He's right about that last part, that's for sure. Cuddy claims that she's just calmly going about her daily business, but House knows that she's meeting with her personal estate lawyer because he hacked into her online schedule. Cuddy rolls her eyes, although if she really didn't want House to hack into her account, she'd make it slightly more difficult for him to do so. Cuddy says that as a single mother, she has to make sure Rachel is provided for if anything happens to her, and really should have done this a long time ago. True, but House says Cuddy is obviously only doing this now because she thinks she's sick, and she should at least wait until the biopsy results. Cuddy says that won't be until tomorrow, which was the first opening in the schedule. House is outraged that Cuddy would take the first available appointment like everyone else when she's the Dean of Medicine at this hospital. He insists that she use her position to get a biopsy done right now, and Cuddy asks why he's so intent on her getting a biopsy if he doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. "Good point," House admits, and trudges off. Cuddy's lawyer watches the entire scene, no doubt thinking he'd admire Cuddy for winning that argument if he didn't lose all respect for her for dating a guy like House in the first place.
Ryan has a visitor! But he's not sending Ryan any get well soon wishes; rather, he's calling Ryan an "asshat" and demanding his "stuff." Ryan says he doesn't have it to give to him, seeing as how he's in a hospital bed right now and doesn't even have pants, let alone whatever the kid wants. Taub walks in on this, and the kid quickly leaves. Taub asks Ryan what that was about, and Ryan admits that he got his hands on some Klonopin and sold them to his visitor for $80, only to wind up in PPTH before he could give him the pills. He claims selling drugs was a "one-time thing," but I'd be more apt to believe the kid buying the drugs was the newbie, since he stupidly gave his dealer money without getting any drugs in return. Taub decides to help Ryan out and gives him $80 out of his own pocket to give to "the thug." I would think Taub was being naively kind to this kid if I wasn't distracted by how out of character this all is.
Sister Cuddy signs off on being Rachel's legal guardian should anything ever happen to Cuddy. She asks if House is "okay" with this, as if the guy Cuddy's been dating for a few months would or should have any say on what happens to Cuddy's child. Cuddy's sister may not have been serious about House becoming Rachel's guardian, though, as she then goes on to say that although Cuddy and House have only been dating for a few months, Cuddy's been complaining about him and what a jerk he is for at least ten years. "People change," Cuddy smiles. Except that she told House she didn't want or expect him to change when they first started dating. And then she changed.
Suddenly, we're watching a sitcom. It's like a combination of My Two Dads and Two and a Half Men, with an older version of Rachel as The Child and Wilson and House as the two men who could not be more different but are stuck raising her. Also, it is taped before a live studio audience, who say "Ooooo!" when Wilson opens the door to reveal Rachel and a police officer. Wilson, the responsible adult character, lectures Rachel on getting in an hour past curfew. Rachel blames this on the police officer refusing to run any red lights on the way home. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" says the audience. Police Officer says Rachel h
as quite a mouth on her, and asks who she learned it from. Out walks House, dressed like I'm guessing Charlie Sheen's character on Two And A Half Men? That's annoying; I was hoping to get through an entire recap without mentioning Charlie Sheen. The audience screams in delight. The Police Officer says he caught Rachel shoplifting at the mall, and the audience "Ooooo"s disapprovingly. House, the irresponsible adult character, tells the officer that he isn't Rachel's father but enjoys keeping her around as a tax write-off, which causes the audience to scream in delight once more. House informs the officer that this won't happen again because time, Rachel will know better than to get caught. Rachel and House high-five, then hug. Wilson can't help but join them.Well, that was insane. Cuddy wakes up with a start and looks at a bottle of pills on her bedside table. The label says they're sleeping pills prescribed by Wilson. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, and random sitcom dreams out of freaking nowhere because the writers are desperate to find a way to put their cast in new and un-House-like scenarios.
Taub made the mistake of telling Martha that he gave Ryan that money to get him out of a jam. Martha supports Taub's actions, and says it's refreshing to see someone besides her who has "a little faith in humanity" and took Ryan at his word when he said that was the only time he ever sold drugs. Only then does it occur to Taub that Ryan could have been lying to him. But there are more pressing issues with Ryan for the time being, as he emerges from the bathroom saying he's peeing blood. Copycat.
While the Cottages add Ryan's newest symptom to the pile and start trying to diagnose him, House is distracted by thoughts of someone else who is peeing blood. He mutters about kidneys and masses, which confuses the Cottages, since as far as they knew, Ryan's kidneys were mass-free. Martha asks if House is saying that Ryan has cancer, and he quickly snaps that just because you have a mass in your kidney doesn't mean you have cancer, okay? So stop making wills and hanging out with cancer doctors! The more socially well-adjusted Cottages realize that House is talking about Cuddy and not Ryan, and Foreman tells him to forget Cuddy for now and concentrate on their patient. Taub suggests that they look into drugs being the cause of Ryan's problems, since they know he smokes pot and that is, after all, the gateway drug. Maybe heroin use is causing his symptoms. Martha is shocked to hear that Taub is no longer giving Ryan the benefit of the doubt. Taub thanks her for inadvertently opening his eyes to his naïveté. House decides that Chase's antiphospholipid syndrome theory works better than Taub's heroin thing and tells them to start treating Ryan for that, but allows Taub to search Ryan's house for drugs.
With that nuisance taken care of, House can find Wilson and yell at him for being in his office working instead of at Cuddy's side for her biopsy. Wilson says House had better be sending other people to do his boyfriendly job for him because he can't afford to be distracted from his current case. Otherwise, he says, House is an ass. Well, duh, Wilson. The answer is always that House is an ass. House says he's just trying to spare Cuddy the horror of her boyfriend's attempts to be supportive and compassionate. Wilson points out that House might be better at that kind of thing if he actually tried to do it rather than avoided it like the plague. House says there's no sense in preparing for the worst when they don't know if that is what will happen, and the chances are very small that it will. Wilson says Cuddy most likely doesn't have cancer, but that doesn't matter; Cuddy is obviously afraid of the possibility and it's House's job, as her boyfriend, to be there for her. House's facial expression and the background music indicate that the message has Gotten Through to House, who says Wilson is right.
But then it's Chase who reports to the biopsy waiting room, telling Cuddy House sent him here to keep her company and give her some antibiotics, as he's apparently assuming that whatever is on Cuddy's kidney can be cured with them. Chase grabs a magazine and notes how old and out-of-date the celebrity news is inside it. I guess nearly all of PPTH's budget is allocated to building new glass walls and paying an army of window cleaners to keep them looking so nice rather than on magazine subscriptions. Chase offers to quote some Bible passages for Cuddy, who reminds him that she's Jewish and, therefore, not interested in any New Testament. Out of conversation material, Chase says he's sure House will show up for Cuddy "eventually." Cuddy doubts that Chase actually believes that, but says she truly does. Or does she? Because the thing out of her mouth is that House has spent years annoying her and being a pain in her ass all day long, only to avoid her at all costs now when she actually wants and needs him around. "Love hopes all things," Chase says, apparently unable to stop himself from quoting the Bible even when he was specifically asked not to
Foreman accompanies Taub on the search of Ryan's bedroom. He asks Taub why he has such a strong personal connection to Ryan, and Taub says he knows what it's like to be miserable. Foreman guesses that Taub's misery is pretty fresh, since Taub has been known to watch TV at three in the morning in their living room and apparently wake Foreman up. Well, that's one way to get kicked out of your friend's apartment and back to a crappy hotel. Taub claims he's only awake at that hour because that's when classic episodes of Doctor Who are on "the BBC." I'm guessing he means BBC America, and that's a flat-out lie, because that channel hasn't shown classic Doctor Who in years and years. Also, as Foreman points out, he has this thing called a DVR that allows Taub to record his favorite TV shows and watch them at a more convenient time. Thirdly, Taub is a giant nerd.
While Taub flips through Ryan's yearbook, Foreman gets a report that Ryan lost all feeling in his right arm, so that's bad news. Taub isn't thrilled with what he's seeing in Ryan's yearbook, either; page after page of marker alterations to Ryan's classmates pictures that indicate a violent hatred of all of them. Just in case the pictures didn't convince you, though, he's also helpfully written things like "should have been aborted" and "waste of oxygen" with arrows pointing at the girls he's addressing those comments to.
House de-elevators on a section of PPTH that seems to be undergoing some construction. He spots Chase at the end of a particularly creepy hallway and asks him how things went with Cuddy. Chase doesn't answer him, though, as his face is covered in prosthetic zombie makeup that makes speech difficult. He attacks House, sending him flying into a few walls, before House is able to grab his cane and fend Chase off. Suddenly, a large axe blade slides out of the cane, which House uses to cut ZombieChase's head off. "Good thing I brought my Ax Cane," House says. He continues down the hall, only to hear Cuddy's voice calling for help. "I'm coming!" he says, and his Ax Cane suddenly turns into a Big-Ass Shotgun Cane. House uses this to take out ZombieTaub and ZombieMartha, who are doing their very best impressions of Michaels Jackson's "Thriller" video. But there's still one zombie left: Foreman. He just stands there and lets House pump bullets into him until Cuddy's voice cries for help again, followed by screams of agony. House slowly makes his way to her, but it's too late. She's already being eaten by the ZombieCottages, who have recovered from their ax and bullet wounds nicely.
House wakes up from his nap to find a non-zombie Chase and Martha staring at him. Ha! House dreams in horror movies and Cuddy dreams in sitcoms. They will never work out.
After the break, the Cottages are once again trying to think of a diagnosis for Ryan while House is, once again, not paying any attention to them because he's more concerned with Cuddy and her problems. He's trying to find the results from her biopsy, but Cuddy cleverly had the tests run under a false name so he wouldn't be able to and then had her file back-dated so he wouldn't be able to track her down by looking up all records of kidney biopsies in the last two days. Martha expresses admiration for Cuddy's cleverness. Foreman suggests that they look for clots in Ryan's brain, which would explain all of his current symptoms. The Cottages seem to agree that this seems like the best course of action, but House doesn't give them the word to go ahead because he isn't paying attention again. Chase snaps him out of it, and House sends him and Taub off to do the angiogram on Ryan's brain while Foreman and Martha go to pathology to look for Cuddy's biopsy slides.
In the hallway, Chase notes that Taub was almost as out of it in the meeting room as House. Taub says he's worried about Ryan's yearbook and thinks the others should be concerned, too, but Chase doesn't think it's a big deal, saying he fantasized about killing his teachers when he was in school, too. And then he grew up and murdered a patient, so... yeah. Martha says she
didn't want to kill anyone, but she did think about torturing people slowly in her basement, "preferably with acid." Chase and Taub just stare at Martha and make mental notes to always always always stay on her good side or, if not, restrict her access to acid and basements. Martha keeps going, though, asking if any of them fantasize about torturing and/or killing House like she clearly does. Despite all of this, the other three get on the elevator with crazy homicidal maniac Martha. Taub says maybe the yearbook isn't such a big deal after all. "Unless it is," Chase says, the wheels in his head turning; "someone shot House." YES. FINALLY. THE WRITERS ACTUALLY REMEMBERED THAT THIS HAPPENED. THANK YOU.Wilson finds House hiding in an exam room and says he considered sending Chase to tell House what to do with Cuddy instead of going himself, but ultimately didn't because he thinks House might be too stupid to get the irony. House says Cuddy doesn't need him at her side being "artificial support for her artificial problem." "She's fine," he decides. Wilson knows House very well, but even he seems shocked by this. Martha enters, and Wilson takes off, warning House not to screw things up because he doesn't want to "clean up the mess." Then maybe he just shouldn't. I don't know why he bothers, honestly. It's not like House was cleaning up any messes with Sam dumped Wilson. In fact, I recall him specifically trying to avoid doing things with Wilson during that time.
Martha tells House that she checked out the recent biopsy results and was able to narrow them down to just one that could be Cuddy. Unfortunately, it's inconclusive because the mass is in the center of Cuddy's kidney and thus a good sample couldn't be taken. House knows this means that they'll have to go in there and cut the mass out, then see if it's cancerous or not.
House manages to find an even better hiding spot, one where he's sure Martha and Wilson won't be able to find him: Foreman's house. He's playing Foreman's videogame (which House also likes to play on his own home system) when Foreman walks in, expecting a nice, long, House-free evening. This will not be happening now, so Foreman just tells House that the angiogram did indeed show a clot in Ryan's brain and they gave Ryan streptokinase, hoping it would break the clot up. Foreman says he could have just gone home and played videogames instead, since, based on House's actions, that's the best way to make someone else feel better. House doesn't want to hear this Wilson-speak from Foreman, so Foreman gives him the abbreviated version: as bad as House might think it will be to be at Cuddy's side during this, not being at her side is going to be a lot worse. With that, he decides to join House in a little videogame fun.
I guess we're in one of Cuddy's dreams again, because this is another sitcom. A black-and-white Cuddy wears her pearl necklace and walks into her house, telling her dutiful husband that she's home. House, wearing an apron, cheerfully says she's just in time for pot roast. They kiss chastely, and House says all of his patients are cured (it was a lot easier to do this back in the 50s, a bygone era of medicine where they used leeches and trepanning), so he got to come home early and spend time with the older version of Rachel, who sits at the kitchen table doing her homework. She, too, has had a fantastically successful day, reporting that she got a 100 on her spelling test and 170 on her LSATs. Too bad it's the 50s and thus going to be pretty hard for Rachel to get into law school. Cuddy's a little bit creeped out now, wondering why her eight-year-old is taking the LSATs. I'm wondering why Cuddy always dreams of her daughter as an eight-year-old and not, like, the actual age she is. House says he and Rachel have been studying together in secret as a nice surprise for Cuddy, who decides that this is wonderful. House offers Rachel a lollipop reward for her efforts, but Rachel declines, worried it will spoil her appetite. House eats the lollipop instead. At this point, there's a knock at the door. It's Wilson, dressed as a milkman and holding a lit birthday cake. "Happy 29th birthday!" he says. Cuddy is confused, saying she's older than 29. House ignores her and takes the cake from Wilson, and Cuddy notices that he isn't limping. She finally figures out that this is all "impossible," like the fact that she was in black and white and there was a delightful soundtrack playing in the background at all times totally made sense. "A girl can dream," House says.
Cuddy wakes up with a start. She's sleeping on the couch (Rachel is nowhere to be found. I guess Sister Cuddy decided to invoke her guardian duties prematurely? Wise move, Sister) and someone is knocking insistently on the door. It's Wilson, but this time he's dressed like he usually is and holding Cuddy's latest scans instead of a cake. And he isn't smiling.
Still at Foreman's, House gets a phone call. He says very little, but his body language suggests that the news on the other end is not good. "Okay," he says, and hangs up. Foreman asks what's going on, and House says scans showed masses in Cuddy's lungs. "That's what kidney cancer looks like when it metastasizes," Foreman says, like House doesn't know that already. "She's dead," House says. I guess he feels pretty stupid right now for doubting that her bloody pee was anything bad.
Ryan talks to the camera and says people are losers who don't deserve to be alive and will soon be destroyed by the pipe bomb he made. He lights it and launches it at a few trees, then cheers when it explodes. Taub shows the video to Foreman and Chase, saying he found it on a flash drive he stole from Ryan's house and thinks he should turn it into the police. Chase doesn't think they'll be too concerned with tree assault, because Chase is a moron. I think the cops would be very interested in someone making and detonating pipe bombs. Taub says it's not just the trees; Ryan goes on in the video to talk about bombing his school. Foreman, who is also an idiot, thinks the police will care more about the fact that Taub stole the video from Ryan's house than about what Ryan is doing on it. Are Foreman and Chase stuck in Cuddy's 50s dream were bad things don't happen or something? Martha walks in and says the streptokinase isn't working, and if they don't do something soon, the damage will be irreversible. Chase says their only options are more drugs or brain surgery to try to remove the clot, then asks where House is. Foreman says he's probably with Cuddy, but Martha already called her, no doubt to tell on House for being late to work, and she doesn't know where House is, either. Hey, Martha? Don't you think Cuddy has better things to do than take your phone calls asking where House is? Geez. Foreman takes it upon himself to look for his boss.
He goes to Wilson's office first. Wilson says he doesn't know where House is and doesn't have much to say about it, since Cuddy is the one who's dying and House is trying to make it about himself. "I'm not playing," Wilson says. Cuddy is sure House will show up and be with her through this, but Wilson isn't so hopeful. He says either House will be able to get over himself and be with Cuddy, or he'll break a woman with terminal cancer's heart.
Taub tells Ryan's parents about the brain surgery he has planned. They give their consent, but that's not all Taub wants to tell them: their son may also be plotting to blow up his entire school. Ryan's parents aren't thrilled about this, but refuse to believe that Ryan would actually do anything to hurt anyone. Dad thinks Ryan was just messing around. Taub says he thinks it might be more serious than that. Ryan's parents don't; "I really think he'll come out of it," Mom says. Dad just doesn't want anyone else to find out about this, or else their son could be expelled from school and then he'll never blow up a good college. "Focus on keeping him alive," Dad says.
Taub is so desperate that he asks for Martha M. Masters' advice in the OR balcony. Martha, who freaking loves to tell on people, says the
odds that Ryan would actually do anything are very low. So I guess she's telling Taub to do nothing? Oh wait; "the fallout could be huge" if Ryan did do something, Martha adds. Then again, she continues, Taub may be over-identifying with the patient and thus "extra-protective." "Or, alternatively -- " Martha starts. "You suck at this!" Taub says. "Hate the statistics. Not the statistician," Martha nerds. Taub looks like he wants to blow the statistician up with a pipe bomb.Foreman and Chase find the clot in Ryan's brain. But as soon as their little tool thing touches it, it disintegrates in a most un-clotlike manner. They wonder what that was.
The entire Bolivian army aim their weapons at an abandoned building with House Cassidy and the Sundance Cuddy inside. As they load their guns, House talks about going to Australia and singing at a karaoke bar that has songs from every successful 80s Australian musician. Also, "their barbecued shrimp is amazing," House claims, although I doubt it. I hear they just throw those shrimp on the barbecue. Very careless. House helps himself to a candy bar, saying all this talk of food made him hungry. Cuddy notes that this is her third dream where House has eaten candy. Really? I don't remember him eating candy in the first dream. He was just finishing eating something when he walked into scene. I guess that was candy? Maybe Cuddy should dream a little more clearly for the rest of us who have to watch. House doesn't think that's important, even though I'm sure it will be. Cuddy says she was hoping House would be able to handle this, but maybe he can't because he really is ten years old after all. "I can do better," House says, like always. Cuddy says it might be too late. With that, they both jump out into the light to face the firing squad. Cuddy shoots a few rounds, then realizes that House isn't actually there. Oh, snap! He totally acted like he was going to run out with her, let her go, and jumped back! I hate it when that happens. So embarrassing. "House!" Cuddy says, looking around until she's stopped by a freeze frame and gunshot sounds, just like how the movie this scene is paying homage to ended.
Cuddy wakes up in her hospital bed. Wait, this was Cuddy's dream? I thought she only dreamed in sitcoms. Way to change it up, Cudster! She's not alone, either. House is in the doorway, watching her. He walks in. "I should've been here. I'm sorry," he says. Not good enough, but it's better than nothing. Cuddy holds his hand and says she knew he'd come eventually.
The Cottages, meanwhile, are trying to figure out what that not-clot in Ryan's brain was. They need to do it soon, too, because Ryan's internal organs are shutting down and he's in a coma. Martha is furious that House isn't here to help them figure this out because he's with Cuddy. Martha snaps that House can't help Cuddy but he can help Ryan, so he should be here. Whoa, when did Martha turn into such a callous bitch? Maybe she's still mad at Cuddy for letting House secretly treat her own mother? The Cottages ignore her. Cuddy is prepped for surgery. House kisses her, and she's wheeled in. House says if she dies, he promises not to sleep with anyone else for at least a month. "Make it two," Cuddy says. "Bitch," House says. That was oddly sweet. The Cottages pace around the room in slow motion and snap at each other over diagnoses. House watches Cuddy's surgery from the OR balcony. The Cottages settle on type 2 citrullinemia, and Foreman orders them off to treat and test Ryan for it. House is the last thing Cuddy sees before she goes to sleep.
Oh, god. I don't know about this. But. We are going to have a musical segment. And it's going to be "Get Happy," best associated with Judy Garland in Summer Stock. But unlike the Butch Cassidy homage, this does not look anything like Summer Stock. For example, House, who is singing, is wearing pants. He's also wearing eyeliner. And a silly caduceus lapel pin on his silly tuxedo. The dancers come out, dressed in medical-ish clothing as they walk/crawl down a set of glowing stairs. Also, one of the dancers is Allison Holker, who has a very good publicist. The set and the choreography are all very Busby Berkeley. House jumps on Cuddy's gurney and sings to her through a giant red megaphone while a bunch of male dancers watch and dance. They aren't wearing shirts, which isn't very hygienic. But I guess Cuddy's subconscious would rather see male torsos than follow hospital safety guidelines. And then they go into crazy Busby Berkeley kaleidoscope mode for a bit until it's Cuddy's turn to sing. She and House duet for a while, with House either playing the piano or holding his giant red-and-white striped cane, until Cuddy decides to run up the red stairs by herself and the dream ends. You guys, I've had my wisdom teeth removed and my tonsils taken out, and I didn't have dreams like this either time. I'm not sure if I'm disappointed about that or relieved.
Cuddy wakes up. House is sitting by her side, amazingly enough, and greets her with "guess who doesn't have cancer? Me. Also, you." She had a tumor in her kidney, but it was benign. As for those lung scans, House had an off-screen epiphany and remembered that Murphy Brown is allergic to antibiotics, so he thought maybe Cuddy was, too. It turns out that those masses in Cuddy's lungs were just an allergic reaction, which means that both Cuddy and her mother have had severe allergic reactions to antibiotics House gave them unnecessarily. Also, way to be like 45 and a doctor and not realize you're allergic to antibiotics, Cuddy. How is that even possible? House then whips something out of his coat pocket. A ring, perhaps? No. It's Cuddy's tumor. Such a romantic! Cuddy tells him to take it away, then changes her mind and takes a good look at it. She says when something like this happens, all of the fears that she tries so hard to put behind closed doors in her mind come back. In sitcom form. Anyway, House isn't listening to Cuddy, because he's having another epiphany. Cuddy sends him away to save Ryan's life.
He tells the Cottages to take Ryan off the meds for type 2 citrullinemia, as Ryan's actual diagnosis is a staph infection. Ryan's mom points out that they eliminated a staph infection as a diagnosis days ago when they treated Ryan for it and he remained sick. House explains that the antibiotics killed the bacteria that was in Ryan's system, but not the stuff hiding behind the closed door of an abscess. The trick now is to figure out where that abscess is. Taub has an idea; he looks at Ryan's cuts and says if some of the pipe bomb shrapnel got into them, the plastic wouldn't show up on their scans and, at the same time, would become a breeding ground for bacteria. AND LOOK!!! It's the Magic Schoolbus Cam!!!! It's BACK! Joy! When the antibiotics attacked Ryan's infection, the plastic broke apart and little pieces wound up all over Ryan's body, from his brain, where they thought it was a clot, to his liver. All they have to do, Taub says, is remove the shrapnel, drain the abscess, and the antibiotics will cure Ryan. Except for all of his mental issues, which someone else can deal with. Or ignore, in the case of Ryan's parents.
Sister Cuddy helps Cuddy out around the house while she's healing from surgery. Wow, way to make an effort there, Murphy. Oh, I guess Sister Cuddy decided it would be best for everyone, especially Cuddy, if Murphy wasn't told about any of this. I think Sister Cuddy keeps both her mother and sister's secrets from each other to feel powerful. Sister Cuddy leaves Cuddy by saying she put her sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet so Rachel wouldn't accidentally take them, since she's always referring to them as "candy." And here comes Cuddy's epiphany face. You'd think her primary concern would be the fact that she's stupid enough to leave sleeping pills around the house where her small child could find them, but no. It's House, of course.
"You took Vicodin," she says when House opens the door. His expression changes from happy to see her to freaked out that she knows the truth. "When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned," Cuddy says. House just asks how she figured it out. Cuddy says she should have known earlier; her subconscious was trying to tell her that House wouldn't be able to handle this without his drugs. House assures her that he only did it once, but Cuddy says that's not the point; House was trying to protect himself from feeling pain, like always. Cuddy says House can't love someone without being open to feeling her pain and taking on her problems, and House doesn't seem to want or be able to do that. House says he does; he was, after all, by her side in the end. Cuddy says he kind of wasn't. "I wanted to be," he says. "That's not enough," Cuddy says. "I can do better," House says. Again. This time, Cuddy isn't going for it. She says House will always choose himself over anyone and everyone else. "That's who you are," she says, giving House's face a pre-dumping stroke. House begs her not to do this. She does.
Taub sends Ryan's flash drive to the police in an envelope with no return address.
Sister Cuddy consoles her sister as she cries in great, having sobs. That cannot be good for her kidney stitches.
And House decides to extend his relapse a little bit longer. He sits on his bathroom floor, just like last time, and waits for Cuddy to appear in the doorway and stop him, just like last time. But she doesn't. So he does.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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