House TV Show - The Choice - House Recaps, House Reviews, House Episodes | TWoP

Aired 2010-05-03

It's some woman's wedding day. She looks nervous, and her dad walks in, ready to walk her down the aisle or, he offers, to help her run away from her own wedding. "You sure?" he asks. What a jerk this dad is! Is that really what you want to say to your daughter right before she makes a lifetime commitment? "If I'm not?" the bride-to-be asks when she should be saying, "thanks for the vote of confidence, Father Asshole." "You'll be paying me back for those invitations," he says. She laughs, but I think he's totally serious. "Ted is a wonderful man, Dad," she says; "he's the second-greatest guy I ever met." If she's saying that her father is the first-greatest guy, then clearly she's only met two men in her entire life. And her fiancé must be horrible. Also, one thing that my father can look forward to not hearing on my wedding day? Comparisons between him and my husband. Because if you think about that for more than one second, it's kind of creepy. With that, the wedding begins. The bride and groom take their place at the altar, but when it comes time for groom Ted to say "I do," he remains silent. Bride Nicole thinks he's joking until it becomes obvious that something is seriously wrong. He gasps and collapses. Nothing exciting like that ever happens when I go to weddings.

Wilson wakes up in his bed with Sam beside him. He immediately wakes her up with cuddling, which is annoying. I mean, I guess Sam likes it, but I'd be all "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE. SHOVE OFF." "What time is it?" Sam asks. "Happy time," Wilson says. How has she not dumped him yet? Also, I find it gross when people make out first thing in the morning on TV because if this was real life, they'd have morning breath. "I'm still asleep," Sam says. "Just think of this as a dream," Wilson says, not getting the hint. I'm pretty sure having sex with someone when she's asleep is rape, though. Just saying. Looking for any excuse to get out of this, Sam asks if they should be having sex when House is in the room. Like they've never done that before? Wilson says House is "sound asleep."

As it happens, House is sound asleep, although not so much in his own bed. No, he's snoozing away, fully-clothed, on rocketship sheets. Yes, that's right: he just pulled a Robert Downey, Jr. and fell asleep in a neighbor's bed that he was too wasted to realize was not his own. He wakes up to find that he's in a child's room and the child is staring at him. This is awkward, but I can see how House made that mistake. The kid's bed is like a king size! What four-year-old has a giant-ass bed like that? Do they even make rocketship sheets in anything other than twin size?

By Sara M

Cut to Wilson's apartment, where he must stop his sex session with Sam to answer a knock at the front door. It's House and two police officers. "I met the neighbors," House explains. "Sir, do you know this man?" an officer asks. Wilson tries to decide whether or not he should say yes.

House arrives at work wearing Hangover Sunglasses. Cuddy whines about how she has to find a replacement for a PA who quit in a huff (can't blame her and I don't care) while House says he woke up in the wrong bed. "Any bed you're in is the wrong one," Nurse Jeffrey mutters. STOP TRYING TO BE EVIL NURSE BRENDA. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I can't believe they gave Nurse Jeffrey his own freaking iPhone app series and not Evil Nurse Brenda. It's just wrong. "That's not what your momma said," House says, adding a sassy finger snap and an "OH! Snap." Enh, that was weak. I'm sure if House wasn't so hungover he could've done better. "I'll be going now. To Human Resources," Nurse Jeffrey says. Well, that was a bit awesome. He'll never be Evil Nurse Brenda, but I might be able to accept Nurse Jeffrey after all. Too bad for him that PPTH has no Human Resources department, what with Cuddy being the person calling around desperately for a new PA. Or maybe they do have an HR department, but it's staffed by relatives of the PPTH security team and therefore completely useless. "He started it," House says to Cuddy, which is a good point. More quietly, he says he fell asleep in a neighbor's kid's bed. Fortunately for everyone (most especially the New Jersey Sex Offenders department who would have to deal with House forever after), Esteban spent the night in his mother's bed and not his own. "How drunk were you?" Cuddy asks, horrified. She puts on her Caring and Concerned Look and asks if he's okay. "You shouldn't be drinking at all, much less -- " House cuts her off: "you sound just like Esteban's mom." Why didn't we get to see that scene? It was probably awesome, and had a lot of screaming. Cuddy tries to order House to work in the Clinic, but Chase walks up and House uses him as an excuse to get out of Clinic duty, saying he has a case. As soon as they're out of Cuddy's earshot, House hopefully tells Chase to tell him that there is no real case. But there is.

By Sara M

House and Chase join Taub in the ER with Ted and Nicole. Ted can't speak and he fainted, but they've ruled out the most likely causes for both. House has an idea: Ted has cold feet and was faking. He proves this by asking Ted to roll on his side while House jabs him with a needle. "Ow!" Ted says. Oops! Busted. Ted claims that he couldn't talk until just now and insists that he wasn't faking. Nicole stands by him, but doesn't look very sure. House leaves with Taub in pursuit, saying he doesn't think Ted was faking. House says he doesn't think Taub called off his date with Maya. Oh, no, really? We have to deal with this AGAIN? Does anyone even care? Are there any viewers of this show on the edge of their seats waiting to find out what will happen in Taub's marriage to someone who only occasionally appears as a guest star? I guess it's better than watching Hadley and Foreman, but still. Taub says he's not as easy to read as House seems to think, and invites him out to dinner tonight to show how surprising he can be. Unsurprised, House says a quick "no thanks." Taub asks again, saying that he'd like a night away from his wife, who has been "very grateful" since Taub told her he wouldn't cheat on her. Mrs. Taub has some serious self-esteem issues. She's "very grateful" to her husband for not cheating on her? Really? House agrees to it on the condition that Taub brings Mrs. Taub. Taub says the whole point of this was to get away from her. House doesn't believe him, and says either Mrs. Taub comes to dinner with them or he won't go. Taub agrees to his terms.

Ted and Nicole stand awkwardly outside the PPTH ER. "You believe me, right?" he asks. "Of course I believe you," Nicole says disbelievingly. To remove any doubt, Ted says they should take a cab the nearest marriage place and get married right now. They still have their wedding clothes and everything. Nicole considers it, but takes too long, and Ted starts to cough and then not breathe at all. Cut to House entering the lightbox room, where the Cottages are looking at scans of Ted's lungs. He has a pleural effusion, which means there truly is something wrong with him and he wasn't faking it after all. And House should probably be ashamed of himself for discharging an unhealthy man from PPTH, but I'm sure he isn't. The ER already ruled out infections, but House doesn't trust them (with good reason, I'm sure), and orders the Cottages to test Ted for infections again as well as break into his home to look for toxins. Hadley knows all about Ted despite never having actually met him, and says he only moved in with Nicole three months ago, so they should look at his home before that, too.

By Sara M

Hadley and Taub are sent to Ted's earlier home, and Hadley breaks a window to get in. Wow, that's rude. Someone has to pay for that now, and it won't be Hadley. Ted doesn't even live there anymore, so it's probably someone who has no idea who he even is. Maybe I'm just a little sensitive to this because of the time some repo men came to my apartment late one night because the guy who lived there before me didn't make his car payments. Taub sighs and steps over the broken glass to enter the house. Hadley asks him what he told Maya when he cancelled their date, because everyone cares about this storyline except me. He says he told her he changed his mind, then asks Hadley hurry up so they can get out of there before the owner of the house comes home and calls the police on them. Hadley ignores him and notes a suspended ceiling, above which there could be asbestos tiles, since the house was built back in the days where people made stuff out of carcinogens. At this point, some guy walks in and says "what the hell?" If I came home to find two random people in my house, I would just turn around and run, not get in a conversation with them. "It's okay. We're doctors," Taub says. "I'm calling the police," the guy says. Hadley asks if he knows Ted. "What about him?" the guy asks. Hadley says he's a patient at PPTH right now, and they're wondering if he got asbestosis from the guy's ceiling. Way to ruin doctor-patient confidentiality there, Hadley. Also, breaking and entering. The guy says he had the tiles checked when he moved in and they don't contain asbestos, but now he's concerned about Ted. They used to be roommates and a little bit more: "he was my boyfriend for three years." OOPS! And yet another relationship on this show is full of deceit and lies. What the hell is going on in the writer's room? Are they all in the middle of divorces or something?

For some reason, the guy who was about to marry a woman doesn't want to admit that he's gay. House says that would explain his cold feet on his wedding day, as well as the ex-boyfriend whose house they broke into. Ted says he's not even bisexual -- he's straight as an arrow. The other guy, named "Cotter" (um ... okay) is gay and had a crush on Ted, Ted claims. So he moved out. "After three years?" Hadley asks. Ted denies it again, then asks why it's relevant. Taub says he tested positive for mono in his lungs, which explains the pleural effusion. But House suspects that the only reason why a 27-year-old man would get mono in the first place is because of a compromised immune system. By which he means AIDS. Because AIDS still equals "the gay disease" apparently? Ted insists that he has not had sex with Cotter. House threatens to go test Nicole for HIV, then, like, why does Ted have to say he's gay in order for AIDS to be a viable theory? "There may have been some... contact. But I'm not gay!" Ted says. "Sodomy. One of the top ten most common household accidents," House says, rolling his eyes. Wouldn't it be a bummer if you did have some kind of household accident that resulted in sodomy, though? There would have to be a whole set of circumstances for that to happen. Ted says he's done things he regrets, but now he's "turned [his] life around" and is "as straight as any of you." Cut to Hadley behind House making an excellent "aahhh ... not so much" face. Ted agrees to let them test him as long as Nicole doesn't find out. He's asking the wrong people to keep this under wraps, since Hadley has no concept of doctor-patient confidentiality.

By Sara M

In the lab, Chase gives us his opinion on Ted marrying Nicole: he think it's fine. Hadley says both parties will end up miserable, and Chase asks how that's different than any other marriage, then gives Taub a pointed look. Or maybe he's looking past Taub and at the writers standing just off the set, who are all apparently on the phone with their divorce lawyers right now and/or dreading going home to their significant others tonight. Chase says it's Ted's choice if he wants to pretend to be straight and marry a woman. Hadley says it should be Nicole's choice too, but she's being kept in the dark. "We have no right to tell her," Chase says, knowing where this is leading. "Like you've never bent the rules," Hadley says. Chase asks how Ted is different than her bisexual self. "I don't lie about who I am," she says. Well, except to her father, who she apparently hasn't told about her bisexuality because, as she said a few weeks ago, "he's been through enough." Chase asks why Hadley is getting all up in her patient's business when she usually couldn't care less, and Taub points out that this is about sexuality. "So you're only judgmental when it gets personal?" Chase asks. Yes. Just like everyone else. For instance, Chase didn't want to kill Dibala until after he personally met one of his victims. We can't all be like Cameron and get judgmental about everything. With that, Taub gets a printout of Ted's test results. Why did they need three Cottages in there for that? Also, he's negative for HIV. "Being gay didn't make him sick," Taub says, once again basically saying that gay = AIDS. "Maybe being straight did," Hadley says, and wanders away.

By Sara M

Hadley goes to see Ted on her own. She tells him that his HIV test was negative, then asks him what he did to make himself straight. Ted is reluctant with details until Hadley says she's just trying to help him, not to out him. Except that she was just saying in the lab that she wanted to out Ted. "I had therapy," he admits.

Hadley explains the process of Ted's conversion therapy to the rest of the class in the meeting room. He was injected with stuff to make him throw-up while watching gay porn. That can be effective. I couldn't eat Taco Bell for years after I got sick from it, although the effects were, sadly, temporary and I have gone back to eating too much Taco Bell and getting fat. They also shot him up with male hormones and gave him electroconvulsive therapy. Foreman says all those chemicals could explain the pleural effusion (I thought the mono already explained that?). The ECT explains the rest of the symptoms. How are you even allowed to do something like that at a "conversion therapy" center? Don't you have to have, like, a medical degree or qualifications? Or can just anyone buy and run his own ECT machine? Because if so, I am totally starting a fundraiser to buy my own. It would make for a great conversation piece, and a fun party trick! House orders the Cottages to give Ted an EEG to see if the ECT damaged his brain.

Taub meets House for dinner, saying that his wife won't be joining them after all because she's taking a pottery class. Taub provides way too many details about it, thus indicating that he's lying. Sure enough, House texted Mrs. Taub with a dinner invite just in case Taub didn't tell her about it and tried to make up a silly reason why she couldn't come. And here she is now! As she makes her way over to the table, House tells Taub that he thinks he's still seeing Maya, based on the back-up suit he saw in Taub's car that he changes into so his wife won't smell Maya's perfume on him. Taub admits that he is seeing Maya, desperately begging House not to tell his wife. Mrs. Taub walks up and is surprised to see House there. Apparently, House sent the text from Taub's phone and did not let on that it was a dinner for three. Probably because he knew Mrs. Taub wouldn't go if she knew he'd be there. House stands and says he's actually on his way out because he has a ceramics class to attend. He says Taub actually gave him the idea, as he also signed up for a ceramics class on Friday nights. "The beginner's class," House hastens to add. Because even in his lies, he must find a way to be superior to people. Mrs. Taub, of course, had no idea about any of this and doesn't seem to think it's odd that her husband, who previously showed no interest in ceramics, would suddenly sign up for a ceramics class without telling her about it. "You should join Chris's," House suggests, then leaves to make a non-existent tea service in his fictional class. Well, Taub, that's what you get for being friendly to House.

By Sara M

While Chase and Foreman hook Ted up to the EEG, Nicole asks Hadley why they're doing it. Hadley says they're looking for neurological damage from a head trauma, but says Nicole should ask Ted herself for the details. Um, you already told Nicole confidential information about Ted's case, Hadley. Might as well reveal everything at this point. Hadley and Nicole head into Ted's room. Foreman says the EEG came back normal. Oh, except for just now, as Ted is having a heart attack.

House uses Ted's heart attack to make Taub feel bad about cheating on his wife. Taub says he was able to find a Friday night ceramics class in Trenton that wasn't taking on any new students, thus preventing Mrs. Taub from joining. House recommends that he buy some crappy pottery as well, since Mrs. Taub will be expecting him to bring home projects. Enh, just say they all blew up in the kiln. That's what happened to every ceramics project I did in school from kindergarten to tenth grade. After a while, you just stop trying because you know that no matter how good your ceramics project is, it's just going to blow up in the kiln and break your heart. Foreman, Chase, and Taub take off to do an angiogram on Ted. Hadley stays behind to inform House that she's going to a new lesbian bar tonight. "Your life is awesome," House says. "You want to come?" Hadley says. Wow. Of all the places you could invite House, a lesbian bar has to be one of the worst. How could this possibly end well?

By Sara M

House storms into Wilson's office and hangs up his phone. Wilson tries to make House feel bad about that, claiming that he was on the phone with a 33-year-old woman to tell her she has breast cancer, but House knows Wilson better than that. Wilson likes to inform patients that they have cancer in person, and then cry with them. I hope that's not true. I feel like cancer diagnoses should be told to the patient ASAP, not have to wait a few days until it's convenient for the patient and the doctor to meet in person. Time is kind of important with these things. House accuses Wilson of setting him up on dates with the Cottages. For some reason, he doesn't think Hadley would invite him out to a new lesbian bar just for fun. Wilson cops to it, saying that he wanted to give House something to do and someone to hang out with now that he's been spending all of his time with Sam. And if House doesn't consider Wilson's efforts to be helpful, Esteban probably does. House says he gave Esteban a dollar for his troubles, then asks how much the Cottages went for. Only one hundred dollars each, Wilson says. Except Foreman, who held out for two hundred. Seriously? That's it? Since when were successful doctors that hard up for money? Wilson says he's sincerely worried about House. House thinks Wilson's just trying to avoid feeling guilty for causing House to drink too much or something. Wilson says he's doing it out of pure self-interest because that's what House wants to hear. House then agrees to go out with his Cottages, but makes no guarantees that he'll have fun.

Ted wakes up to find Nicole at his bedside. She immediately asks him about his head trauma. Ted claims he fell off a stepladder and that it was an accident. Since Hadley just told Nicole that whatever happened to Ted was not an accident, she is doubtful. Taub and Hadley walk in to set Ted up for the angiogram. He sits up to meet them, then passes out. He wakes up and sits up again, then passes back out in mid-sentence.

House diagnoses Ted with POTS, or postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Basically, Ted's blood pressure plummets when he's upright. When he lies down, it's fine. It explains all of Ted's symptoms, as well as why they weren't able to catch this before, since Ted was lying down when they took his blood pressure and did other tests. It also explains how Ted's aphasia went away when House jabbed him with the needle, as he was lying down at the time. And mono can cause POTS. Case solved! Hadley goes off to treat Ted while House informs Taub that he read up on the class Taub isn't taking and saw it has a Fourth of July theme, so Taub will want to be sure that the pottery he brings home is "star spangled." How can a pottery class have a Fourth of July theme anyway?

By Sara M

UH OH. Guess who just came to visit Ted? Cotter with a box of peppermint bark, which both he and Nicole know is Ted's "favorite thing in the whole world." Really? Peppermint bark? What a weirdo. Ted is asleep, the result of the new meds he's on, so Cotter and Nicole get a chance to talk. Nicole updates Cotter on Ted's condition, then asks why he wasn't invited to their wedding. "Ted and I had a falling out," Cotter says, holding back tears. Nicole is suspicious. Cotter says he and Ted were "roommates" for three years. Then he cries and holds Ted's hand. Straight men never cry or hold other men's hands. Cotter lets go of Ted, apologizing and saying he "misses" Ted. "I think you should leave," Nicole says; "NOW. Please." Cotter does. Are we sure that Cotter is gay? He's a sloppy dresser with terrible hair.

Ted wakes up to find Nicole waiting at his bedside. She tells him that Cotter visited him while he was asleep, and asks who he is to Ted. Ted claims he's a former roommate, but Nicole doesn't believe him anymore. Ted says that one night, he got really drunk and Cotter took advantage of him. "The whole thing was a mistake," he says. "Are you saying you had sex with him?" Nicole asks. "I was drunk and confused," Ted says. You'd have to be pretty damn confused to mistake a penis for a vagina, dude. That's not gonna fly. "You're GAY?" Nicole asks. Ted says he isn't, but he thought he was and almost told his family (after a one-night stand with his roommate? Get your stories straight, Ted ... ), but the thought of admitting he was gay disgusted him. He figured that was because he wasn't actually gay, and "went to get help." "So ... you're not gay?" Nicole asks. "They cured me," Ted says. It slowly sinks in to Nicole that she almost married someone in ridiculous amounts of denial. You can see it on her face. "It's all in the past now. It doesn't matter anymore," Ted says. And then he gets a big gay headache.

Taub heads into House's office to inform him that Ted has a new symptom of severe headaches. House is more concerned with his online poker game (do people still even do that?) and whether or not Taub has been practicing safe sex with Maya. He tells Taub to do a spinal tap on Ted.

By Sara M

And then we go to the Foxhole, that hot new lesbian bar! Hadley appears to have a line-up of martinis on her table, all purchased for her by interested women. Even though she's in there with a man. House is trying to find a straight woman in the crowd, using Hadley's gaydar. He picks out the bartender, figuring that she might be straight but just work at a lesbian bar. Meanwhile, the bartender has short blonde hair and is the most stereotypically lesbian-looking woman in the entire room except for House. House casts doubt on Hadley's gaydar, saying it failed when it came to Ted. Hadley says Ted came into PPTH with his bride, so, extenuating circumstances. Then she gives her opinion on the matter, saying "it's unbelievable what he's doing to her," and that no matter how much he thinks he loves Nicole, he'll always "need" to have sex with men. House says Taub loves Mrs. Taub but "needs" to have sex with other women. Hadley says Taub sucks, too, but Ted has to "deny his identity" to be faithful to his wife. So does Taub, though, if his "identity" is "cheating scumbag." "It's easier to say no to dessert than to pretend you don't eat," Hadley says. And then House and Hadley psychoanalyze each other and their problems. By the way, how did this lesbian bar become popular? It's all gray and cold and boring. Even the drinks it serves are boring. Is this what all lesbian bars are like? House gets a call from Taub, who says the spinal fluid came back negative for infections, which means it's not POTS somehow. Hadley downs her martini, her hand SHAKING NOTICEABLY. DUN DUN DUNNNN HUNTINGTON'S. House notes that Ted's headaches got worse after they did the spinal tap. He thinks Taub "sprung a leak" in Ted's spine and his spinal fluid is leaking out, causing the headaches. Except ... didn't those headaches start before the spinal tap? That's what Chase asks, and House says something about "low pressure" in Ted's brain that caused the POTS, which is apparently back on the table. House orders them to patch the leak and give Ted some artificial spinal fluid. Another martini arrives in front of Hadley, courtesy of another interested lady. Meanwhile, Hadley has, like four martinis in front of her already, so what is this woman trying to do? If she drinks that sixth martini, she'll be too wasted to do anything with you, and she has five other martini-buyers in line before you. And she's there with A MAN, which would tell me that she probably isn't interested in women, at least not tonight.

By Sara M

Taub and Chase fix Ted's spine, and Nicole tells him that she spoke to her parents, who are "worried." Really? Because I kind of doubt her dad is. I think he's happy about all of this, actually. He's been against this marriage from the start! Ted says they shouldn't be, as "everything's going to be okay." And then the left corner of his mouth droops. Taub assumes it's a stroke, but his pupils are responsive and he can tell them his full name, so we'll go to commercial.

Taub and Chase find House in the cafeteria and tell him that Ted definitely doesn't have POTS and an MRI (OF DOOOM!!) showed no problems with bloodflow to Ted's brain. Once again, House cares more about Taub's personal life than Ted's case, asking if he was able to find any crappy pottery to pass off as his ceramics class project. Taub says he found some "fife and drum napkin rings" on eBay, but he spent a lot on them after a bidding war "with some lunatic." Because you'd have to be crazy to spend money on napkin rings, right? Except that Taub won the auction, so who's the lunatic now? House says Taub is lucky, because he could have gone much higher than $215 in that auction. Well, at least he's spending all of his free time looking for July 4th-related ceramics on eBay and then starting a bidding war with user iamtaub453 for them and not drinking his way into a child's bed. House's eBay username, by the way, is "kissmyasthma99." I'd like to think that there were 98 kissmyasthmas before him. House says they must have missed something in Ted's history and suggests calling Cotter in to question Ted, Nicole, and Cotter in the same room, because he thinks that will lead to the truth. Taub leaves, but Chase stays behind to invite House out for drinks with him and Foreman. So Wilson's way of keeping House from drinking too much alone is for him to go out drinking with other people? Okay. No one wants to do this and everyone knows it, but House accepts the invitation.

And so, Hadley and Taub have Cotter, Nicole, and Ted together in one room. All three agree that there have been no episodes of dizziness or seizures, but when it comes to blackouts, Nicole says none and Ted says "don't you think I would have told you if there were?" HA HA HA! He can't be serious with that, right? He obviously doesn't tell anybody anything, including himself! And then Cotter remembers an incident at his sister's birthday. Ted says he was just drunk (apparently, he was drunk all the time around Cotter), but Cotter says he only had one martini. "On an empty stomach," Ted says. Uh, Ted? I'm five feet tall and a lightweight besides, and even I can drink a martini on an empty stomach and not be anywhere near blacking out. "He was just sitting on the couch and then he fell over," Cotter says. Are we confusing blackouts with passing out? Because I'm pretty sure they're different. Also, how embarrassing for Cotter for his boyfriend to pass out drunk at his sister's birthday party. And Ted thinks he's the one who should be ashamed of Cotter? Ted says he was fine "after [he] slept it off," but Cotter says he was worried enough at the time to stay up all night checking on him every fifteen minutes. Nicole's just like, "Cotter's a really good boyfriend. I'd much rather be his beard than Ted's." Taub asks about sex. "Yes. I have sex with my girlfriend because I'm not gay," Ted insists. "We have sex," Nicole sighs. Hadley asks if there have been any "problems." Ted shakes his head no, but Nicole admits that "there have been some issues." "Every guy has it sometimes," Ted says of his occasion inability to get it up. Hadley and Taub look to Cotter, who says "we never had that problem" without trying to look very pleased with himself. "Gee, that must be because Ted doesn't like girls," Ted says. Um ... well ... yeah, pretty much. I mean, come on, Ted. Taub says it could be indicative of a vascular problem. Hadley has an idea of how they can test for it.

By Sara M

Oh, no. We have to watch Chase, Foreman, and House doing karaoke to "Midnight Train to Georgia," with Chase as Gladys Knight and Foreman and House as the Pips. They even have coordinated dance moves, one of which involves House having to kick out his leg which is supposed to be so very sore. I mean, really? REALLY? Just because Fox wants to cash in on Glee by having every show this week have some musical element to it, I have to be subjected to this? Guess what? HOUSE IS NOT GLEE. So this makes absolutely no sense based on what we know of Chase, Foreman, and House and their relationship to each other. I'm sure they didn't make Jack Bauer do this; why should House? It's like I'm watching a bad fanfic. Which, actually, is how I felt in the first episode of this season, so, I guess it is consistent after all. CONSISTENT WITH TERRIBLENESS. But I will give a few points to Chase for really committing to his song.

After the horribleness, the guys clink glasses of beer and note that no one else is doing karaoke, most likely because their performance could not be topped. Oh, it wasn't that good, guys. Even with the coordinated dance moves. Clearly, they've never seen Pamie do "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Or "Sweet Child O'Mine." Or any song, really. House admits that he's having a good time, and they toast to Wilson for making this happen.

The penis test results are back, and Ted's blood flow to that area is just fine. Hadley notices that the front of Ted's shirt is wet. She and Taub remove it to find that Ted is lactating. WHAT! I didn't even know that was possible for men. Neither, it appears, did Ted.

After the commercial, House and the Cottages have a small cup of Ted's milk (ewewew) and pass it around the meeting room. House wonders how Ted will be able to tell Nicole that he's pregnant when he can't even tell her he's gay. Then he pours the milk into his coffee, like, is he insane?!?! That's not even pasteurized! Does he WANT to get diphtheria? While the Cottages stare at House's coffee in horror, they also think up a diagnosis of a pituitary tumor. It fits all the symptoms (including the lactating), so House tells them to check Ted's prolactin hormone levels and do an MRI (OF DOOOM!!) on his brain to look for the tumor. The Cottages remain seated, waiting to see if House will actually drink the coffee. He orders them out without drinking it. Obviously. He was just doing that to get a rise out of them. And they all fell for it even though they know he's always trying to fuck with them.

By Sara M

Wilson stops by House's office to bask in the glow of being right about House having a fun night out with Chase and Foreman. Apparently, they reported back to Wilson that not only did House have fun with them, but they also had fun with him. "What happened?" Wilson asks, befuddled. "I realized that they could be my friends," House says; "and then I sobered up." Wilson doesn't believe it, saying that House couldn't have been that drunk since he fell asleep in his own bed this time. Yes, but it only takes one martini to pass out at your boyfriend's sister's birthday. By the way, how is it a good idea for House to become friends with his subordinates? Wilson isn't doing anyone any favors here. House suddenly gets his Epiphany Face and takes off, just as Wilson is getting into some seriously annoying and unwatchable psychoanalysis. Win-win!

House heads into Ted's room with a big neck collar. Taub follows him, and House asks Ted to "give me your head." Ted's confused, so House says that's the first time he's heard that sentence used with a possessive pronoun, as if gay guys don't use possessive pronouns when referring to parts of their partner's anatomy. I mean, I can't say I know for a fact whether they do or not, but still. House grabs Ted's larger head by the base and lifts it up from his neck. Ted's headache suddenly goes away. House releases his head, and the headache returns. House has fun making Ted's headache go away and come back a few more times before saying Ted has a Chiari malformation, a.k.a. a narrowing at the base of his skull. It caused all of his symptoms and cut off the flow of spinal fluid into his brain, but only after those ECT treatments at Camp Gay Away caused his brain to swell. Just slightly, but with the malformation, it was enough. His brain also pressed up against his pituitary gland, which caused the lactation. Taub fits Ted with a collar to keep his head lifted and relieve his symptoms until they can give him surgery to correct it. Oh, and it turns out that one of Ted's symptoms was not caused by the malformation -- the ED, which House guesses has more to do with Ted being gay. House non-apologizes for making Ted's symptoms worse with the POTS treatment, which once again shows us why House shouldn't treat people before knowing what's wrong with them. That still doesn't explain why Ted's symptoms only started now when he had to have gone to that Gay Away place a long time ago, because it was only after he got out that he started dating Nicole, right? And they must have been together for a long time to be getting married. Except that Ted didn't move out of Cotter's house until three months ago, at which point he moved in with Nicole. So ... did he get out of Camp Gay-Away, dump Cotter, move out, meet Nicole, propose, and get an apartment with her all in one day? Weird. Ted just asks how he got the malformation. "It's congenital. Like so many other things, you were born that way," House says.

By Sara M

Post-surgery, Cotter comes to visit with another box of peppermint bark. Ted thanks him but says he's not going back to him. What makes him think Cotter would want him? Cotter can do better than a closet case, even with his bad hair. Cotter just tells Ted not to make the "mistake" of hurting Nicole. "I love her," Ted says. Cotter just looks at him like, "come on now." "Good luck," he shrugs, and leaves Ted's life, probably forever. Cotter passes Nicole in the hall. She looks in at Ted, who is very sad but probably wants everyone to think he's happy. She enters the room, and Ted says it's her birthday in three weeks, so they should "re-book the church" for a "double-header." Do people celebrate birthdays in church? Nicole's not really feeling it. Ted doesn't understand why, saying that just a few days ago they were at the altar and "perfectly happy." Uh ... does he really not see what's changed between then and now? Ted is just weird. Nicole says she really thinks that Ted still loves Cotter. Ted promises her that he's not gay. And he knows he can promise her that because he believes it's a choice, and he made his to be straight. Nicole says she made her choice, too. She leaves. Ted protests, saying he wants to marry her. More importantly, he "has" to marry her. "Nick!" he calls after her, as she exits his room and leaves. He even called her a guy's name. How could he not realize he's gay?

Taub watches Nicole go with an eBay package in his hand. House appears from behind a wall to remind Taub that tonight is Friday night, which means fake pottery class and apparently real sex with Maya. But no, not this time, Taub says. He broke up with Maya and he's really hoping it'll stick. I do too, so we won't have to watch another Taub cheating storyline. With that, Taub hands his package of napkin rings to House to "thank" him for trying to save his marriage. House thinks he should have gotten a better present than napkin rings, but Taub points out that they are very expensive. House leaves them on the counter. Nurse Jeffrey picks the box up for himself because he knows you don't just throw away a perfectly good set of napkin rings.

By Sara M

Cuddy stops by House's office. He's still playing online poker. She says she solved her D-plot problem by hiring a new PA, who she thinks will be great for PPTH until it's revealed that she's a sociopath in cahoots with the local meth lab. Cuddy then offers to take House out for dinner. He assumes she was paid off by Wilson, but she has no idea what he's talking about. She says Lucas is working late tonight and she's buying. She all smiles, thinking she has House wrapped around her little finger. But House tells her he isn't very hungry. Rejected Cuddy leaves, but turns back around and tells House she just wants them to be friends. "Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be," House says, quite honestly. Cuddy stares at him for a while, then leaves. House rubs his sore leg (no doubt all those karaoke dance moves the night before didn't help it), then takes out a bottle of something alcoholic from his desk and pours it into his mug. He won't drink man milk, but he will drink this.

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

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