By Sara M
House finds himself in a strip club with a head wound and no memory of the last four hours. Outside, he finds the bus crash he got the injury from. He heads to PPTH with most of the rest of the crash victims (some go to another hospital across town, but we don't care about them), and the only thing he knows for sure is that someone is going to die if he can't remember what he saw on the bus. He's sure it was a symptom of a disease and demands to examine all of the crash victims to find it again, even trapping them in the ER under a meningitis quarantine to do so. Hypnosis, smelling passengers' clothing, and a lie-down in a sensory deprivation tank help him piece things together somewhat, but they also make his head injury (which ends up being a skull fracture) worse. So while he figures out that the patient he's looking for is the bus driver and the symptom was a shuffling gait indicative of Parkinson's, he also bleeds out of his ear, barfs all over Cuddy's shoes and passes out, only to wake up in his house with a nurse and a guard, both of whom have strict orders from Cuddy to keep House resting. He has no intention of following those orders, especially when he realizes that his diagnosis was wrong and the bus driver is getting worse; his liver is failing and he can't breathe.
Cuddy gives in and brings House back to PPTH, where he notices the driver's dental caps that are indicative of recent dental surgery and locks everyone out of the room except the driver and Biana, who almost got a real name in the episode but didn't. (Cuddy called her "Dr. Hadley" but then House said Cuddy got the name wrong) Biana is faced with a choice; either go along with House's diagnosis that an air bubble from the dental drill has been moving through the driver's body and must be removed by stabbing the guy in the heart with a syringe, or unlock the door so PPTH's other doctors can work their magic. The wrong choice means the driver will die. When the stakes are this high, you have to go with House, even with a head wound. Biana does, and he was right. The driver will be fine and House can go back to his apartment, now guarded by Cuddy (who, by the way, did a striptease in House's fantasy at one point during this episode and got nakeder than the actual stripper in the first scene). Except that he can't sleep, because he keeps seeing a woman on the bus who looks out of place with her expensive clothes and who won't leave him alone. He realizes that the mystery has not been solved after all; the air bubble was released into the driver's body upon the impact of the crash, not before. The symptom he noticed wasn't the shuffling gait, and it didn't come from the driver.
House herds everyone onto a bus with pictures of the passengers around their necks to try to reenact the scene and jog his memory, and he takes some special pills for Alzheimer's patients to rev that jog up to a sprint. And here begins what might have been the best ten minutes I've ever seen on television: he's back on the bus, and the woman in expensive clothing is there. She's wearing a necklace and keeps asking House to tell her what it's made of. And we realize it just before House does -- it's amber. Amber. The mystery woman is CTB! And then all hell breaks loose as the bus crashes and CTB is tossed around along with the rest of the passengers and House. When they land, she's got a spike through her leg, her face is a wreck, and she's cold. House ties off the leg wound and passes out. He wakes up to see them taking CTB away and he follows her out of the bus. And then we realize that House went and died on the reenactment bus, thanks to those pills, and Wilson and Cuddy are doing CPR on him. His heart starts back up and he looks at Wilson and tells him CTB was on the bus. Wilson doesn't believe him until he realizes that CTB hasn't returned his phone calls. And Biana looks at the patient chart of a Jane Doe who was sent to that hospital after the crash and it matches CTB's description perfectly, down to the birthmark on her shoulder. What was she doing on that bus? Why was she with House? And is she even still alive? The Best Show on Television will be back week with another episode to hopefully answer all of these questions.
It's season finale time on House, and that means we're going to get all trippy and format-breaking. The writers had three months of striking to think about for this episode, and it's so jam-packed that they had to make it a two-parter! Here we go ...
Things kick off with House in a strip club. A modestly-clothed stripper is dancing for him, but he's not enjoying himself. Nothing kills the mood like having no idea why you're there and repeatedly getting inexplicable flash-backs of black and white images of bloody, damaged bodies. House smells his breath, and sure enough, it's alcohol, but the stripper says the one drink he ordered since arriving at the club hasn't even gotten there yet. Way to go, strip club bartender. You want your patrons to be as drunk as possible so that they spends lots of money they don't have, and that means getting the drinks out to them ASAP! House checks his watch and realizes that he can't remember the last four hours; last thing he knows, he was at work. He was still at work at 4:50? What's up with that? He's been staying late. The stripper takes no notice of her client, who's obviously having some serious problems and muttering to himself. House realizes that there's more going on than the fact that he's drunk, so he asks the stripper to say five random words so he can see if he's able to remember them, which is a diagnostic test on memory retention. The stripper frustrates him by saying things like "What do you mean?" and "Are you okay?" which are neither random, nor enough words. She finally lists off five animals, and House can only remember two of them, which means he's either ridiculously drunk or ... his head is bleeding. In fact, the stripper sees a sizeable wound on House's head. Shame on the club for not noticing it when they let him in! Don't they have bouncers? This place is terrible. The stripper finally realizes there's something wrong, and House diagnoses himself with a concussion and retrograde amnesia. He thinks he's been mugged because his keys and phone are gone, but the stripper says he still has his wallet, since he gave her a twenty from it just a few minutes ago. "Did you earn it?" he asks. "Not yet," she says. Um, Stripper, the correct answer is "Yeah, and you were actually about to give me a hundred, so let's have it please, thanks!" Not only is she wearing granny panties, but she's also honest? She's the worst stripper ever! Also, why is she still smiling and trying to be sexy when her client has a gaping head wound and is kind of out of his mind? The time for sexy dances is over! House closes his eyes and sees another quick flash of people crying and suffering. "Someone is going to die," he says. Oh, NOW the stripper's alarmed. She calls out for help, but House waves her off with a "not you," and then continues that he saw a "symptom" and "someone is going to die unless I find them." I will pardon his grammatical error because of the head wound. "Who?" the stripper asks. Like, why is she even involving herself in this conversation? And could the music in the strip club be any worse? How can anyone dance to that? "I have no idea," House says. But it's more important to him that he finds that out than get his twenty dollar's worth, so he limps out of the club without his cane, which is also apparently missing.
House makes his way outside to the Fox backlot, where he sees quite the scene: A huge crowd of emergency vehicles, emergency personnel rushing around, nosy onlookers, and helicopter noise overhead. They're all focused on a smoking, overturned bus. House looks legitimately worried here. I can't believe that strip club had a huge accident scene just outside its doors and everyone just went about business as usual, even when a confused and injured victim showed up for a lapdance! Do you think they gave him a discount? Worst strip club ever.
After the theme song, we're back focusing on House's eyes, and on what those eyes are presumably focusing on. PPTH's ER is full of crash victims. But all House can think about is the person he saw before the crash, who had a symptom and a face he can't remember. While Cameron stitches House up, Wilson tells him to stop worrying about the mystery symptom since it's more than likely his injured brain is just getting things confused and there is no symptom and no potential patient. Cameron starts the stitching process, and House whines and moves his head. Cameron unsympathetically threatens to sew his nose under his eye if he doesn't sit still. I'll bet she knows that can happen from experience. The Cottages show up, and House orders Taub to get medical histories from all of the crash victims. Except that he can't remember Taub's name, so now Wilson doubts his mental competency even more. House orders Biana to look for any other victims who may have been taken to other area hospitals, calling her "Lesbian" in the process. "He just forgot my name!" she says. In this case, though, he didn't. He just wanted to call her a lesbian. "I'm not a lesbian," she protests. "I was rounding up," he says. Poor Biana. No wonder she didn't want anyone to know about this. But at least if House is making fun of her sexuality he isn't making fun of her dead mother. Kumar gets the really fun task of tracking down House's cane and motorcycle. "Where'd you go last night?" he asks. Dumbass.
House gestures for Wilson to bring him a cane substitute, and Wilson fetches him one while asking House if he doesn't find it odd that there would be a symptom sighting at the same time as a bus accident. "What if it's not a coincidence?" House says. I don't think that was the point Wilson was trying to make. He wants House to consider that there is no symptom. But now House is just thinking that it was the symptom that caused the crash. He's on the lookout for the driver.
He finds said driver lying on a stretcher covered in blood and immediately starts yanking the guy's head around, looking for symptoms. He also calls him "Lalph Klamden," because the guy is Asian and therefore must not be able to pronounce his R's. House finds markings on the guy's neck and diagnoses Driver (I'm not going to call him Lalph for the rest of the episode, okay? I'm just not) with leukemia. Wilson takes a slightly closer look and discovers that it's just a seatbelt bruise. Driver is worried that he has leukemia, but House tells him they've ruled it out and are now focusing on the seizure Driver must have had that caused the accident. As it happens, Driver says he didn't have a seizure -- the bus was hit by a garbage truck. Wilson questions House's logic (I don't know why he even bothers anymore) but House isn't paying attention to him because he sees a crash victim about to be discharged. And until House solves his mystery that may not even exist, he's going to make damn sure these poor people who have worried families to go home to are stuck at PPTH. Therefore he lies that the man being discharged has a fever and uses his neck injury to call for a meningitis quarantine of the entire ER and all the patients inside it. So for the sake of finding someone with a symptom that might not even exist, House has essentially shut down the ER. Hope no one died because they needed emergency care and couldn't get it because the nearest ER was quarantine! Although this is really PPTH's fault more than House's -- he's the guy with the brain injury and they're the ones going along with every outlandish thing he says and springing to action.
Kumar has a security video of House leaving work on his motorcycle, which never made it to House's apartment. The Cottages have all the charts from the twenty-two victims brought to PPTH as well as the eight who were sent to a place called "Princeton General." What, St. Sebastian's gets no love? I guess that's a good thing; their ER is sure to be busy now that PPTH's is full of fake meningitis. The charts don't say much; most of the patients have pretty typical bus crash injuries, such as "Jane Doe #2" at Princeton General, who has internal injuries but no idea what her name is. This is going nowhere, so House decides on a new tactic; the Cottages will go to every bar between PPTH and his house to find the one he was at. The Cottages immediately spring to action, which tips House off that they have no intention of following his orders. Indeed they don't, says Biana; they're going to the ER to "do our jobs." Um, I'm pretty sure your job is to work for House, darling. Taub says House can give them a call when he remembers something. Only Kumar offers up any help, saying that accessing House's prefrontal cortex could be the way to get his memories back. Taub doesn't miss a beat, saying he'll build the submarine while Kumar gets the miniaturization device. They could also try the Magic School Bus Cam, although that doesn't show much except poorly-rendered blood cells and nerves full of electrical shorts. Kumar says he was thinking of "medical hypnosis," which can help in memory retrieval. I am skeptical; from what I've read, his technique has a funny way of "uncovering" memories that never existed. House agrees to this as long as no one makes him do anything embarrassing while he's under, like the chicken dance. Once, a hypnotist came to my high school and put a few kids under and then had one of them run around talking to us in Chinese. Except he didn't know Chinese, of course, so it was what he thought Chinese should sound like. Now that I think about it, it was probably really offensive. "Someone in the surgical department must be trained," Kumar posits. Really? I wasn't aware that hypnosis was part of surgical training.
I'm glad it is, though, because it gives Chase something to do! He speaks to House in low, even tones while Wilson hangs around in the back, protesting that this is not a good idea for someone with an injured brain. "Wilson is done talking now," Chase says in his hypnosis tone, hoping to get a two-for-one hypnosis deal. House pronounces the exercise a "waste of . . . " -- and then, suddenly, he's on the bus. There's not much there, though; it's empty right now, which means there are no symptom-ridden passengers. Oh, and there's Chase, who tells House to focus on recovering some details. All House can focus on is Wilson, who's waving his hand in front of House's face to see if Chase's hypnosis is really working. Well, it was working, idiot! Now Chase and Wilson are on the bus with House, but he's still having trouble getting the details. Chase asks House to go back in time to before he was on the bus, hoping he'll have a clearer memory as he's further away from the point of head injury. Not surprisingly, this puts us in a bar. I loved how they show us that the details are still vague here: All the bottles on the bar are labeled simply "LIQUOR" and generic beer bottles marked "BEER" litter the bar surfaces. House is enjoying a shot and a chaser. Wilson, of course, appears to scold House for getting wasted at five in the evening by himself. "What are you running away from?" he asks. Even under hypnosis, House can be sarcastic, and he asks Wilson what he could possibly be running away from as he drinks in a bar without his only friend. Is it possible to guilt trip someone while under hypnosis?
Chase asks House if he can see anyone in the bar, but House sees just creepy featureless faces. The only people with any facial details are the ones who keep invading his hypnosis session, like CTB, who suddenly pops up, her hair blowing in the wind (I guess it's a drafty bar), to defend her boyfriend from House's sniping, telling him to lay off Wilson, since he's just being a good concerned friend. House angrily accuses Wilson of putting his girlfriend into his head, saying they can't even have a conversation in House's subconscious without her showing up. Wilson just says CTB better have her clothes on. House says she does, "unfortunately." Then: "I didn't mean to say that out loud." Except that he didn't say it out loud, so now Wilson wants to know what House is apologizing for saying out loud. "Nothing!" House says, turning to Chase to order Wilson and CTB out of his head because he can't lie under hypnosis and he apparently has something he wants to lie about concerning them. Also, they're being huge pains in the ass. Chase tells House to stop thinking about Wilson and CTB, and, sure enough, they're gone. House is so happy he proposes a toast, only to see the bartender standing behind the bar, with a face and everything. He's played by Fred Durst, who hasn't been relevant in like eight years. The bartender is not the mystery patient though, as he's only memorable to House as the guy who took his keys away because he was too drunk to drive, thereby forcing him to take the bus.
Chase puts House back on the bus, and now we can see his fellow passengers. There's a hot girl smiling at House, which he likes. Then an "emo Guitar Hero wannabe" coughs and spits. And picks his nose. Chase asks House why he's focusing on this guy. House says the nose picking could be a sign of nasal pruritis. "He's dying," House says. And with that, he finds the emo guy in the ER. Emo guy won't be doing much nose picking with the sling his arm is in. "You a nose picker?" he asks, then demands to inspect the inside of the Emo's nose before the guy can answer. Unfortunately for House, Emo is being treated by Cuddy, who is kind of pissed at him for quarantining her ER with fake meningitis and will have no part in his shenanigans. House thwarts her by telling Emo that he has a brain tumor. "You're fine," Cuddy says. For whatever reason, Emo decides to believe House, the frantic man with a head wound, over Cuddy, the cool, calm, professional, uninjured doctor. She really doesn't get any respect, huh? House examines the inside of Emo's nose and is disappointed to report that it's nasal pruritis-free. Cuddy orders House to get some rest. I'm sure he'll go right ahead and do that. As it happens, he doesn't get a chance to undermine Cuddy, as Driver suddenly starts groaning from his wheelchair that he can't feel -- or move -- his legs. House reassures the guy that his legs aren't his biggest problem, which is that House doesn't know what that is -- yet. You have to feel sorry for Driver. Not only did his bus get in a terrible accident, but he's also lost control of his legs. And his only hope is a guy with a concussion who has no idea what's going on.
The Cottages report to the conference room for differential diagnosing. Instead of, like, apologizing to House for doubting his accident victim symptom theory, they continue to crap all over it, saying sudden onset paralysis isn't a specific enough symptom to make a diagnosis. House reminds them that there's another symptom, but he can't remember it yet. And, of course, none of their tests have come back with anything helpful. Biana at least tries to make a diagnosis: Guillain-Barré syndrome, which House rejects since it doesn't have any external symptoms, so therefore there's nothing for him to see and then forget about. Foreman points out that everything has some kind of external manifestation, no matter how small. I mean, just look at House almost diagnosing a brain tumor because a guy was picking his nose. And, Foreman continues, since House can see and identify just about anything, they can't rule anything out on that basis. So they're still screwed on the diagnosis, but at least someone is giving House respect.
Taub is thoroughly annoyed with this exercise (honestly, I'm not sure how they even managed to get him in the conference room) and takes a sip of coffee. House has a flashback to someone on the bus drinking coffee and grabs Taub's mug. He sniffs it loudly, and then leaves the room. Biana has the nerve to ask him where he's off to, and he answers, "To smell a bus. Obviously." Taub and Biana are curious enough about this to follow him out, while Foreman decides to start Driver on antibiotics just in case they're looking at transverse myelitis. Biana and Taub dutifully follow House to the ER, where he whips out a cardboard box full of the passengers' clothing and starts smelling. Biana humors him by asking why he's doing this, and he answers that "smell is the most powerful evokuator of memory." As far my spell-check and I can tell, "evokuator" is not a word, but OK. Apparently, when House smelled Taub's coffee, it gave him the flashback to the smell of that passenger's coffee. He's hoping that by smelling the passengers' clothing, he'll get some more memories. I doubt this; a passenger would have to be pretty pungent to leave any kind of impression, and if that's the case, it's probably not a memory you want to bring back. Like when I get a whiff of BO and am transported back to that seven-hour plane ride from hell sitting behind a man who had some kind of problem using deodorant. He smelled as soon as he sat down, and things never improved. But I digress. Would those clothes really smell like they did before the accident? I would think they'd now have the fresh new odors of blood, smoke, and whatever bodily fluids the wearers may have expelled in a moment of panic. So I'm not sure what sense memories House is hoping to get, but I guess every little bit helps. And because of this, he's chowing down on the Vicodins. Biana expresses concern, saying House should rest as she hands him some more clothes because she knows telling House to rest is an exercise in futility so she might as well be of some real help. House says he's only smelling "exploded bus" so far, and pops a few more Vicodins. Taub has been keeping track of House's Vicodin count and reports that he's at four pills in forty seconds. I can't tell if he's concerned or jealous. House ignores Taub in favor of dumping the clothes on the counter and sticking his face in them.
He's back on the bus, although he's not sure if the smelling plan worked or if he's just stoned. He settles for both. Driver is there, and he disagrees, saying the fact that he's interacting with House means that this is not a memory, but a hallucination. Also, House isn't limping. House actually admits that he might have taken too much Vicodin, as if he ever thought there was such a thing. He's hoping it is too much Vicodin and not something worse. Driver says if it isn't all the Vicodins, then House's brain is bleeding, and recommends that House get a CT scan. But just then the passengers appear on the bus, including the beautiful woman from before, who says that House is using his hallucination to try to figure out the answer to his mystery. So he can't stop to get a CT scan. House would much rather talk to this woman, noting that she's wearing clothes that are way too nice and too expensive for her to be riding a bus. Only poor people who dress like hobos ride buses, I guess. The woman doesn't deny it; she just says there must be a reason why she's on this bus. Before House can get an answer, a hand clamps down on his shoulder. House whirls around to find himself back at PPTH with Wilson's hand on his shoulder. "I was talking to the passengers on the bus!" House exclaims. I love how frustrated he is here, like it's the most normal thing in the world to be hallucinating a conversation and why would anyone in the world have a problem with that? Wilson says hallucinations mean it's MRI (of DOOOM!) time.
Now House is trapped in the MRI of DOOOM! Wilson reports several bleeding and swollen spots in House's brain, but he's more concerned with what House thought he'd said out loud about CTB during the hypnosis session. You know, Wilson just might be a crappy friend. Like, I'd be much more concerned about my friend's brain injury than what she might have thought about my boyfriend while under hypnosis. House thinks for a second, then truthfully answers that he wanted to see her naked. But Wilson doesn't believe him because he doesn't see why House would hide that fact from Wilson when it's a perfectly normal thing for House to want. Unless, Wilson reasons out, House's desire to see CTB naked goes deeper. House gets a guilty look on his face here, so we know something is up. "You have feelings for her," Wilson says. "This is bad." Ah, but he's not talking about House wanting CTB anymore; he's talking the fracture in House's skull he just found. Way to treat that head wound, Cameron. The guy had a freaking skull fracture and you didn't even bother to check.
Cuddy spells it out for us: "It's a longitudinal fracture of the temporal bone." "I banged my head," House says stupidly. There are all kind of images of the skull fracture on the wall and everyone's looking at them, so it's pointless to play this down now. House promises to rest as soon as he figures out what's wrong with Driver. Wilson doesn't understand what's so special about this one case, pointing out that House has plenty of files sitting on his desk full of patients with mysterious symptoms that he hasn't even touched. Yes, well, that's the point; if he had touched the file, he'd be involved and then he'd have to solve it. But he hasn't opened those cases, so he's not. He's already involved here, so he can't stop until it's done. "Why is this guy so special?" Wilson asks. "I don't know," House says. Cuddy thinks it's because House's brain injury has made him "not [him]self." Solving a medical mystery at all costs is not like House? Really, Cuddy? She tells House to go home and get some sleep, which is probably not a good idea when you have a concussion and brain bleeding. Cuddy's making a very poor showing today so far.
This may shock you, but House has no intention of following Cuddy's advice. Instead, he hangs out in the cafeteria, scribbling down symptoms and diagnoses on a pad of paper. He's momentarily interrupted by an incredible headache, then goes back to work. Dun dun dunnnn!
Foreman's antibiotics appear to be working, as Biana and Foreman are helping Driver to his feet when House stops by his room. Foreman tells House to go home and rest, but House says the antibiotics wouldn't have worked this fast, so Driver's recovery cannot be due to them. Sure enough, Driver suddenly groans in pain and crawls back into bad with severe stomach pain. House starts diagnosing away, saying the stomach pain rules out the transverse myelitis. He's thinking Addison's. Frustrated, Foreman turns to House and tells him that they've scanned Driver's brain for tumors five times already. That's when he notices the blood on House's collar, and it's source: House's ear. You don't have to be a doctor to know that that's not a good thing, but House ignores his own problems and keeps diagnosing. Then he decides to take a bath.
For whatever reason, Foreman doesn't follow House out of the room, insisting that he get his bleeding brain checked out. I think Foreman secretly wants him to die. As for Biana, she at least follows House to his crazy scheme, although she doesn't do anything for his head wound either. Instead, she just watches as House fills PPTH's sensory deprivation tank with Epsom salts, water, and himself. He says he's hoping the sensory deprivation will put his brain in an alpha-theta phase, which might help him recover some memories. He cites the movie Altered States as an example of this, but Biana never saw that movie since she wasn't born yet when it came out in 1980. "You're too young to be a doctor," House scoffs. "That was twenty-eight years ago," Biana says. "No it wasn't, shut up!" House says, clearly kidding. But Biana thinks he's serious and has forgotten what year it is, because she has no sense of humor. By the way, House has taken his shirt off for this experiment, although the camera won't let us see much of his bare chest. Which is probably disappointing for some, but I'm cool with it. As House prepares to live it up in his alpha-theta state, he warns Biana not to "do anything" while he's in there, making references to the movie to stress this point. Biana actually gets a good line in when she says "'I wasn't born yet' means I won't be entertained by further reference." Ha ha to you, Biana! But you're letting a man with his brain bleeding out of his ear hang out in a bathtub instead of getting him medical attention, and therefore you still suck as a doctor.
House is back on the bus. It's empty except for Cuddy. She says she didn't know House took the bus. House says he used to drive himself home after he got drunk, but then "some mothers got MADD," being sure to emphasize the double Ds at the end of the statement. I love that line. House wonders why Cuddy is even there if this is supposed to be a memory. "It's a fantasy," Cuddy answers. House takes full advantage of this and suddenly, Cuddy's sensible business suit has been replaced by a schoolgirl outfit, complete with short skirt, bare midriff, and a stupid tie around her neck. Also, pigtails. Even in House's fantasy, Cuddy is disgusted with him for wasting time on a sex fantasy when he should be coming up with a diagnosis. House asks why he can't get both at the same time. With that, we're in a strip club. And Cuddy is dancing on a pole. She says Driver was sitting and facing forward, so any symptoms House might have seen from him he would have had to see with the driver in that position. I'm having a hard time paying attention. Not because I'm attracted to what's on the screen, but because I'm both in awe of Lisa Edelstein's body and wondering how far they're going to take this scene. Pretty far, it turns out, as Cuddy loses her shirt and her skirt and is now wearing less clothing that the real stripper at the beginning of the show was. Anyway, I think they're talking about earlobes and how they could be diagnostically important. And then Cuddy takes off her bra! No way! Parental discretion is advised! Much to House's disappointment, it is then that Cuddy realizes she's distracting House instead of helping him, and we're back on the bus and she's back in her proper attire. And I like her much better that way. House does not. "Nooo!" he cries. But it's too late. As Cuddy points out, even House's subconscious would rather diagnose patients than have sex.
And since he can't think about sex, Cuddy is apparently no longer necessary. She disappears as Driver appears. He suggests a bloody ear as a symptom, but House says he knows that Driver's ear never bled as there was no blood stain on his collar. House is the one with the bleeding ear. But Driver sticks to his bloody ear story, saying it could be a symptom of Huntington's. House says that doesn't jive with Driver's stomach problems and he's only thinking of it because he's thinking of Biana. Ew, why is he thinking of Biana? Stop thinking about Biana! Driver is a fountain of diagnoses, though, and suggests a shuffling gait that's a sign of early Parkinson's. And House's hallucinations have now officially come up with more diagnoses this season than Kumar. House doesn't see how he'd notice a shuffling gait on someone who was sitting down and driving, and that's when Driver disappears and that nicely-clothed woman appears behind House to tell him that the driver actually got up at one point to help an old woman onto the bus. By the way, "I'm the answer," she says. "Look." But House doesn't have time to do much of anything before he's thrown into an actual memory, and there's the driver shuffling along as he helps an old woman to her seat. Driver is, like, the nicest bus driver I've ever seen so now I hope he ends up being okay. With that, House smiles and turns back to the woman, only to see a bright light.
The light is coming from the ceiling, as someone blew House's cover and now we've got Cuddy, Foreman, Wilson, and Biana all standing over the open tank. Before they can help him up, he jumps up and proudly announces that he's figured out that Driver has Parkinson's and orders them to start him on some good old leva-dopa. They're more concerned with House's ear, as it's still bleeding. Biana points this out as if she's never seen it happen before. As for House, he barfs all over Cuddy and then collapses. I'd like to say I'm sympathetic, but it really is his own fault.
When House comes to, he's on his couch at home. That's what PPTH does to people with skull fractures and severe concussions? Sends them home? Honestly, Cuddy. I mean, there is a nurse there, but what can she do in a real emergency? Plus it's not even Evil Nurse Brenda. You guys, I've ... I've officially given up hope that we'll ever see her again. Because if we were going to see her, it'd be here. Sadness! Anyway, the Nurse Who Isn't Brenda says Cuddy ordered her to keep watch over House. Also on the list of Cuddy's orders: Tegulate House's Vicodin usage and post a PPTH security guard at House's door. Okay, I'm scoffing at this. We all know those security guards suck, as seen in the season finale two seasons ago when some guy shot House twice and then got away scot-free. He's STILL out there, by the way. House immediately figures out that Cuddy's going through all this trouble to make sure he can't go back to PPTH because his diagnosis must be wrong. The nurse just tells House to lie back because his injury is getting worse. Will no one put so much as a bandage on the poor guy's head?
I'm starting to understand why it's so important to House that he be at PPTH to do this diagnosis, as now that it's in the hands of his team, we see how much they totally suck. I mean, Kumar isn't even paying attention to the case, focusing instead on the images of House's skull fracture and admiring its length. Foreman supplies that Driver is now exhibiting the first signs of liver failure. With that, the phone rings, and everyone just stares at it because they all know exactly who's calling. It's House, and he wants to know why Parkinson's was eliminated. Foreman says it turned out that the abdominal pain was due to liver failure, which is not a symptom of Parkinson's. House dives back into diagnosing, but Kumar worries about his head injury. Biana says they might as well let House participate, since "brainstorming ... won't explode his brain." House says that if his brain does explode, at least it won't be boring. Plus, he's safely out of the room so he can't barf on anyone. Taub comes up with a diagnosis that House doesn't like, but everyone else thinks it makes sense. He bickers with them, raising his voice and getting the nurse's attention. She runs over and whisks the phone away from House. All he has time to tell his team is not to bother testing Driver with a "too-slow" genetic test and go for the "bagel test" instead.
And here I thought we were going to see some test named after, like, Mark Bagelle, or something, or maybe it was spelled "B.A.G.E.L. test," where the letters all stood for something scientific. Nope! The bagel test involves actual bagels. And speed-walking on a treadmill while eating them. Biana tries to convince us that this is medically relevant by saying that high carbs plus exercise is the fastest way to confirm their diagnosis of Thyrotoxic Periodic Paralysis. Basically, they're trying to set him up for another bout of paralysis. But it's been a half an hour and he's still moving, which is kind of admirable in and of itself when you consider that he has liver failure and that eating while exercising causes the worst stomach cramps. Kumar steps aside to answer his phone, only to hear House on the other end saying that the bagel test isn't working. Kumar looks around suspiciously for the House he's sure is watching them, and then House tells him to stop looking around suspiciously. "You are completely predictable," House says, and Kumar looks both disappointed that House doesn't have awesome psychic abilities and sad that House criticized him. House wants to hear Driver's breathing, but he's interrupted by the nurse, who very much doubts his story that he's just in the bathroom to take a dump. Maybe it's because she can hear him talking. Or because she just noticed her awesome pink cell phone is missing. House tells Kumar he can hear Driver's "labored breathing" and the nurse bangs on the door and yells at him. And then Driver collapses, so Kumar cries out that the test worked. But House hears Driver wheezing and says he can't be paralyzed if his chest muscles are working. As for what's really wrong with the guy, House says, he can't figure it out without being there.
Driver is looking bad and the Cottages have decided that he's suffering from a pulmonary embolism. Cuddy appears with House in tow, to which Kumar says "You let him back in?" "I asked him back in," Cuddy says, sounding really annoyed. Also, she's not as concerned about House's health as she had claimed. Either send him home and keep him out of Driver's case or let him stay and work on it. You can't do both. Maybe she's mad at him for barfing on her shoes. He tells them to give the patient some T.P.A. for the blood clot he suspects is causing this. Biana reports that they already did, but it's not working. House says it must not be a clot; Taub says that's their only option. Foreman wants to operate on the guy and remove the clot, and they start moving the stretcher. House notices Driver's got some brand new caps on his teeth. No one else understands why that would be important, so they ignore House and continue rolling the guy out. They foolishly leave the room before House does, so he closes the door and locks it shut with his temporary cane. Now he, Driver, and Biana (why Biana? Ugh!) are in and the rest of the team are out. "House!" Cuddy says. "House!" Houses mimics in a whiny voice. He's going to make fun of her and take over the hospital at the same time! He orders Biana to get a syringe while Cuddy tells House she does not appreciate him staging a coup.
Biana moves to unlock the door, but House tells her that he thinks Driver got an air bubble in his gums during recent dental surgery. It moved through his system, causing a myoclonic jerk House saw when he was driving, which then caused the crash. It's been attacking his system ever since, from his spine to his liver to where it is now, in his lungs. "Dr. Hadley, open the door!" Cuddy orders. WHAT? SHE HAS A NAME???!!!!!!!!! Finally! House ignores Cuddy and puts some pillows under Driver's legs so that the air bubble will move into his heart, where Hadley (it feels so weird to finally type that!) can suck it out with the syringe. Cuddy doesn't like this plan at all; if House is wrong, Driver is dead. Cuddy bangs on the door and calls Hadley's name again. "See? She doesn't even know your name," House says. I got so mad here because I thought that meant that the name Cuddy was calling Hadley wasn't her name at all, but then some people pointed out that he might have just meant that Cuddy didn't call Hadley by her more familiar name of "Thirteen." So now I don't know what to do. I'd call her Dr. Who, but I like that show and don't want Biana associated with it. I'll just stick with Hadley, I guess. Anyway, this "Hadley" has to choose between House and Cuddy. She tries to play things down the middle by reminding House that the patient is now suffocating and the consequences if he's wrong could be dire. "SHUT UP AND MAKE A DECISION!" he says. Meanwhile, you know Taub and Kumar are soooo glad they're on the other side of the glass. No difficult decisions for them today! Hadley decides to go with House. She plunges the syringe into his heart just as the rest of the team gets inside the room. And, of course, the patient's stats go back up because House was right. Was there ever any doubt?
Now he's back in bed. Instead of Nurse Dickinson, though, he has Cuddy tucking him in/guarding him. She smiles warmly at him, which is quite the change from the glare she was giving him in the last scene. She turns the light off and House rests his head on some pillows. Incidentally, he's resting the same side of his head that has the skull fracture, which can't feel great. But it's enough, and he falls asleep.
He dreams of that woman in the nice clothing, lying on the weird recliner in his living room. "Who are you? And why are you stalking me?" House asks. "Technically, you're stalking me," she says, fingering her necklace. House grabs the necklace, which has what appears to be a mosquito stuck in a yellow material. "Maybe just a fly," the woman says. "In the ointment," House says, figuring out that this means he's not done yet. He missed something. The woman grabs his hand and rubs it on her face, and House wonders if that's meaningful or if the dream is turning into something a lot more fun. Of course, she won't answer him except to ask him what he's going to do with the red ribbon that just appeared in his other hand. "I have to tie this around you," he says. He ties it around her leg, which isn't very sexy. "I'm cold," she says. That's not sexy, either. I guess this isn't a sex dream after all. "Stay with me," House says. Then he wonders why he would say that. And why there's suddenly blood all over the ribbon.
House wakes up. He walks into his living room, limping this time because it's not a dream. Cuddy's sleeping in the weird chair this time. "Go away," she says. But he says it's not over; "I saved the wrong person."
House gets dressed as he tells Cuddy that he was slightly wrong: Driver's air bubble didn't cause the crash; the crash caused the air bubble to go flying through his body and wreak havoc. That means there was no myoclonic jerk, so they're still looking for that mystery symptom. House classily zips up his fly in front of Cuddy, who won't let him leave. Like Wilson, she asks him what makes this case so important, and again he says he doesn't know. But if she makes him stay here he'll just pace around and elevate his BP and heart rate and get worse. What he wants to do is reenact the bus ride with all of its passengers -- all 31 of them -- to try to regain some contextual memories. Cuddy says she's not going to make all the passengers go back on the bus. House says he's got another idea.
And we cut to extras and cast members wearing photos of passenger faces around their necks. Hooray for the entire cast being in the same scene! That never happens on this show anymore. I just can't believe that there are thirty-one people willing to do a favor for House. Cuddy must have promised them, like, a week's free lunches at the PPTH cafeteria. Even Chase is there, and he always ducks out of these assignments. He's not thrilled about it, though, saying it won't be more effective than his awesome hypnosis skills. House shuts him up with some scientific terms about the areas of his brain that will somehow be stimulated by this exercise. Cameron asks how long they're supposed to do this before House is properly stimulated. Not too long, as it turns out; House gets a flashback to the woman whose picture is around Cameron's neck. It seems that he turned on the charm with her by blatantly staring at her breasts until she told him to stop. And she's apparently watched this show before, as she follows that up with, "And don't say 'or lack thereof.'" But the image slips away before House can ask for differential diagnoses on low self-esteem and small breasts. Frustrated, he downs some pills. But this pill bottle looks different than usual. And indeed, it is different; House has decided to take pills made for Alzheimer's patients, hoping they'll give him a "memory pick-me-up." They don't seem to work too well for people with Alzheimer's, but whatever. Wilson says these drugs will "blow out" House's heart. Uh oh! He's already taken way too many of them. How did he get them, anyway? Marco the Pharmacist needs to be fired.
House opens his eyes and breathes. "Idiot. Your heart stopped!" Cuddy sob/scolds. "Amber. It was Amber," House says. "She was on the bus." Wilson thinks he's hearing another one of House's "drug-induced fantasies," and he's disgusted. And yet ... he hasn't spoken to CTB in a long time. He just figured she was busy at work, but then he remembers that he called her and she never called him back. And Wilson knows what's happened, but he doesn't want to believe it. Jane Doe #2 over at Princeton General matches CTB's description perfectly --down to the birthmark on her right shoulder blade. Wilson is stunned. "She was on the bus with me. She's the one who's dying," House says. Holy crap. I don't want CTB to die! Worse yet, I have to wait a whole week to find out if she does. On the other hand, I think I'll need a week to recover from this episode.
What ails the staff at PPTH? We've got the diagnoses.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.