By Sara M
Cameron and her community outreach program bring House his latest case: an agoraphobic suffering from seizures who refuses to leave his home for treatment. The Cottages must therefore go to him, but when House's attempt to trigger another seizure results in a stomachache that will need surgery to fix, he sees an opportunity get the patient to PPTH by lying to him that they'll do the surgery in his house, only to put him to sleep and transport him to PPTH instead. But Cameron and her guilty conscience ruin everything, and the patient goes back home and brings his lawyer in to make sure that won't happen again.
The Cottages manage to perform the necessary surgery at the patient's home, but they also set him on fire because that's just how Kumar rolls. The surgery doesn't solve the patient's problems, however, and in the end House realizes that the shooting that killed the patient's girlfriend and exacerbated his agoraphobia is also what's killing him, as he's being poisoned by the lead bullet fragments that were left in his body. House removes them (without bothering to use anesthesia), and gives the patient, Cameron, and himself a life lesson to stop living in fear and pretending you're happy that way. Cameron uses his advice to give Chase his own drawer in her apartment and more of a place in her life. The patient uses his advice to venture outdoors. And House uses his advice to go back to Cuddy's house and see if they can have the relationship Wilson seems so sure they both want and House spent the entire episode trying to avoid … only to turn around and leave before Cuddy sees him, avoiding it yet again.
See what ails the docs at PPTH, and then come back on Monday to read the full detailed episode recap.
You'll have to excuse me if this recap is a bit sloppier than usual; I have a nasty cold and I'm trying my best! I called my local hospital asked them send a team of doctors over to make me feel better since I'm on deadline and can't leave my house, but they hung up on me. Apparently, the real world is nothing like House after all. Anyway, a man lies in his foyer surrounded by flowers. He's having trouble seeing and staying conscious as a team of paramedics break his front door down and rudely step on his flowers in an attempt to save his life. They get him on a stretcher and outside, en route to PPTH, but it seems that our patient has heard stories of the nightmare treatment he can expect there and snaps out of whatever state he was in, punching out one of the paramedics and running back into his house and closing the door. The paramedics beg him to reconsider, saying he could be dying, but the man just wants to be left alone.
Cameron comes to House and the Cottages with the case, saying it's a thirty-five year-old man with a headache and seizures. House wants to know the CT scan results, but Cameron says they "can't" do the CT scan. House says that had better be because the man's head is too large to fit into the CT scanner tube, but only House's head is that big, and that's purely figurative. Cameron explains that the patient also severely agoraphobic and refuses to leave his house. Kumar asks if that's a symptom, too, but Cameron says the man, Stewart, was shot seven years ago, so the agoraphobia is PTSD-related. House doesn't say anything about the fact that he, too, was shot, because we're all supposed to forget that that ever happened.
Taub the needlessly curious asks Cameron how she got this case since the patient obviously didn't come to the ER, and Cameron says she runs PPTH's community outreach program (OF COURSE), which has probably become very popular in the past few years as PPTH's free clinic has apparently closed. At least, that's why I'm assuming we never get to see it anymore. Cameron met Stewart last year when he had the flu. And yet, here I am, sick on the couch surrounded by used tissues and cough drops, and no one has bothered to stop by and talk to me through my front door. What the hell? House, for his part, accuses Cameron of trying to work her way back onto the team, but is quickly snapped out of paying attention when he sees Cuddy outside the meeting room holding a file and looking at him expectantly. House is not pleased, but goes outside anyway.
He takes the file from Cuddy without looking at her. She tells him it's full of take-out menus, as it was just an excuse to get House out in the hall, a great place for the personal and private conversation she now wants to have. "Last night -- " Cuddy starts. "Forget it," House quickly says, still looking anywhere but at her. Ha! Cuddy says they have to talk, no matter how awkward it is. House, on the other hand, finally does look at her to say that awkward feelings are signals that things should be avoided. Cuddy isn't having that, and says that they kissed because she was all emotional about the adoption falling through (and now, in the clear light of the day, she's totally gotten over it -- good for her!) and he was actually acting like a human being. "I just want to say thank you for not ... taking advantage," Cuddy says, being all adult about everything. "Anytime you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you," House says, beating a hasty retreat back to the meeting room.
Cameron is immediately on him, talking about the limits of PPTH's portable scanning equipment. "What did Cuddy want?" Hadley asks. None of your business, Hadley. He's your boss and Cuddy is his boss. Unless they were talking about firing you again (I wish), it's none of your concern. "I kinda hit that last night so now she's all on my jock," House explains. No one believes him, least of all Hadley, who notes that Cuddy doesn't look at all like a day-after roofies victim. And Hadley would know, because she sleeps with roofies victims all the time. Incidentally, when I was searching for "roofies" on the internet to make sure I was spelling it right, the similar searches that popped up were very disturbing indeed. "Where to buy roofies" and "homemade roofies" were the top two. Ladies, protect your drinks!
Cameron has no time for her replacement's merry quips and says they can only use a sonogram and a portable X-ray to diagnose Stewart. Yeah, or they can tell him to just come to PPTH already. If his headache is that bad, he'll get over his fear. Pain > phobia. House lists off some long words. Kumar humors him by trying to figure out what he's talking about, but Cameron knows her stuff from experience and says he's talking about indicator minerals, which people use to look for diamonds. If you can't find the diamond, you look for the minerals that are often found near them. It's the House metaphor that's responsible for so many African deaths! Foreman says they can trigger another seizure in Stewart and see where the increased electrical activity is coming from in his brain. That will tell them where, and hopefully what, the problem is. "The Formster and The Camster, kicking it old school," House says. Hey! I called her Camster just last week! But that's too soon to be a shout-out. I thought I might have called her Camster before, but the TWoP search function is useless so I'll never know. House tells them to get started and search Stewart's home for toxins while they're at it.
While Foreman totally disappears, Cameron and the three Cottages are at Stewart's front door. Or, at least, his second front door. Taub wonders why Stewart has two locked front doors. Duh, Taub. He's agoraphobic. He can't have enough doors locking the outside world away from him. Stewart doesn't want to let anyone in, and Cameron tells him to take his time, "we're not going away." This doesn't sit well with Kumar, who didn't spend all that time in medical school to stand outside some guy's second front door. He tells Cameron to be honest with the guy, since he's probably all PTSD'd out from the shooting that also killed his girlfriend (thanks for shoehorning that fact in there, Kumar) and doesn't trust anyone. Someone should tell Stewart that people can be shot inside their homes, too. Or maybe that would be cruel. Which means it's only a matter of time before House does it! Cameron thinks for a minute before turning back to the second door and telling Stewart that they will not, in fact, wait forever for him to get his shit together and they've got a whole hospital full of patients who actually want to be treated to get back to. Hmm, yeah, speaking of those patients, they'd better be getting this same personalized care with four doctors hovering over each of them. It's not fair that Stewart gets all this attention just because he won't go to the hospital, and that it's taking staff members away from the people who will. Stewart agrees to let only one person in, but Cameron says that's not good enough. She'll examine him in one room and the other three will search the rest of the house for toxins, but won't violate Stewart's inner sanctum. Stewart signals his agreement to these conditions by opening the door.
Now he's got a brain scanning hat on and Cameron gets ready to provoke a seizure. She sits on Stewart's bed, and he's all nervous because he so rarely (a.k.a. never) has guests, let alone a pretty girl in his bed. Cameron stands up so he can collect himself, and Stewart recognizes her voice as the person who helped him through his nasty flu spell last year. He says he was expecting someone older and probably less attractive. "Must have been scary being shot," Cameron says, ready, willing, and able to dredge up what is clearly the worst thing that has ever happened in this guy's life. Stewart is not so eager to do so, and tells her to stop. He claims that he has everything he needs in this house to make him happy. He works from home and makes "good money" writing tech manuals, although I can't see how that's lucrative, and gets everything he needs delivered to him, including medical care. "You don't seem very happy," Cameron says. Stewart reminds her that right now, he's too sick to be very happy.
Wilson stops by House's office, where House is pretending to nap in his chair. Sensing the nearness of Wilson without even opening his eyes, House lets out a "go away." Wilson ignores him and asks if he talked to Cuddy last night. "She's fine," House says, and Wilson is surprised that House spoke to Cuddy at all. I guess he was asking House expecting him to say no so that Wilson could then lecture House about being an uncaring human being. Now his lecturing plans are foiled! "I kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock," House repeats. Unlike the Cottages, though, Wilson instantly knows that House is telling the truth and he is shocked. House is surprised, too -- he was expecting Wilson to think he was kidding like everyone else did. Not so, House! You may be able to fool Wilson when it comes to practical jokes and rigged office chairs, but he knows you too well when it comes to the serious stuff (depending on who is writing that particular episode). Wilson wants the details, and I'm not sure if he's jealous of House or Cuddy ... or both. Wilson's follow-up question is what is House going to do now? House says he intends to ignore her for the rest of his life, and then he turns his attention to a symbolic mosquito bite on his hand. "She's your boss!" Wilson says. "Now I have two reasons to ignore her," House says, as if you need a reason to ignore someone. Wilson stares at him, and House admits that they only kissed, and he's sure it was only because Cuddy has boobs and there's nothing emotional behind it. Wilson begs to differ, and insists that the kiss meant something to House. With that, House goes to his desk to do some self-cutting, pretending it's to break the skin over his mosquito bite and let the poison out. He gets a call, and is more than happy to use it as an excuse to dismiss Wilson and his truth-telling from his office.
The Cottages are calling from the meeting room they've set up in Stewart's house. Taub reports that they found no toxins, and they have yet to induce a seizure. So it's a total failure at Stewart's house, then. House grows bored with this medical job talk and asks Cameron if she and Chase are engaged yet, as if he hasn't been scanning her finger for an engagement ring every day. Also, two doctors who work at PPTH getting engaged would certainly be the talk of the hospital rumor mill, which House seems to be plugged into even though everyone who works there hates him. So he already knows the answer to this question. Hadley sarcastically informs House that they're calling about Stewart and not Cameron's love life, but Cameron just answers that they are not engaged, and tells young Hadley that things move faster when you just answer House's questions. While House cuts his hand open with a pen knife, Cameron reveals that they don't live together, but spend most nights at Chase's place. House diagnoses them with commitment and control issues, although he's not sure who has the issues. "Yeah. Moves much faster this way," Hadley says. Slap her, Cameron. Slap her! Come on ... you know you want to. House asks where Stewart was when he had his first seizure, and Taub says he was in his hallway, near the front door. House thinks the seizure might have been triggered by a rise in his BP due to increased anxiety from approaching the outdoors. He wants the Cottages to repeat this by bringing Stewart outside, but Kumar points out that the last time Stewart went outside, he punched someone. Yes, excellent. I know just who I want Stewart to punch, too. "We're doctors, not bouncers," Kumar Dr. McCoys. House says if they won't bring Stewart outside, he'll bring the outside to Stewart.
House accomplishes this by leading a parade of ER waiting room inhabitants into Stewart's house under the guise that the house is for sale at a deep discount in these troubled economic times. Because that's where I go for the latest in hot real estate tips -- the hospital. Taub and Cameron are the only people left in the house, and Cameron is attending to the patient while Taub is there for shits and giggles, which does not escape House's notice. He leads the ER patients/wannabe real estate moguls through the kitchen, and one guy asks if the moldings are original. "Original? They were there before the house!" House says. See, that right there would make me suspicious and probably end my time with this creepy nighttime house tour, but they keep right on following House into Stewart's bedroom, where they are informed that "the shut-in is also original." Stewart starts moaning in pain, and Cameron gently asks House to get these strangers out of here, as if House accidentally lead a group of random people into Stewart's room. Please. "This is cruel," she adds, actually surprised. She's been away from House for too long. Stewart is doubled over in pain. The ER patients/wannabe real estate moguls look uneasy, but have not yet run screaming from the house, as I would have done. There's a guy on a bed with stuff hooked up to his brain, and he's moaning. The house clearly is not for sale. I would assume I'd been lead to my doom by a mad scientist who wanted to use me as a guinea pig for one of his experiments, but these guys are wondering if they'll have to replace the hardwood floors or a simple refinish will do. As they finally, slowly walk away, House asks Cameron what Stewart's seizure is saying on the monitors, but Cameron says it isn't a seizure at all. Stewart has a tummy ache.
After the break, a portable X-ray has revealed that Stewart has a partial small bowel obstruction. House says that explains the pain, but not necessarily the seizures. Hadley, no doubt fresh from a night of Huntington's-accelerating drugs and sex, has a diagnosis, as does Taub, fresh from a night of explaining to confused ER patients that this house is not for sale. Meanwhile, the camera is shaking all over the place as if it, too, has Huntington's. Why don't they use tripods anymore? Foreman says there's no way to know what's wrong with Stewart without an MRI (of DOOOM!!) and/or exploratory surgery, neither of which they can do in Stewart's home. House is willing to bet that if Stewart is in enough pain, he'll agree to go anywhere to make it stop. With that, he walks determinedly towards Stewart's bedroom and Cameron follows to make sure he doesn't start hitting the guy with his cane.
Cameron tells House he's supposed to stay out of Stewart's room after his little real estate stunt, but he ignores her and informs Stewart that he has "colonFOS," by which he means "colon full of shit." He doesn't say "shit," though, since Cameron's around and he wants to protect her virgin ears. House says the pain will only get worse as things get more and more blocked up, and Stewart will need to go to PPTH if he wants to be helped. Stewart refuses, saying "I made my wishes clear." "And if the Crazy Fairy were here, she'd grant them," House says. Oh, if only there was a Crazy Fairy! Although ever since the Tooth Fairy gypped me (I lost some of my baby teeth late in life, at which point I was deemed "too old" to get cash from the Tooth Fairy) I've had problems with the Fairy kingdom. Stewart says he feels pain when he goes outside, so it's only rational for him to want to stay inside and avoid that pain. Cameron says they can give Stewart drugs for the blockage (Gut Drano!), but House says if they don't work, Stewart's intestines will rupture. He asks Stewart if whatever he's afraid of outside could possibly be scarier than certain painful death. Good point. Stewart says he'd rather die in his house than leave it. Oh. Okay then. Everyone pack up and leave Stewart to his intestine-rupturing death. That's what he wants. But House just says he knows a certain "floppy-haired" surgeon who can do the surgery in Stewart's home.
Outside Stewart's bedroom, Cameron frets about the risk of infection doing a surgery inside a home. House tells her there's no need to worry about that, as he has no intention of doing any surgeries here. They'll put Stewart under in his house, move him to PPTH's OR and do the surgery, and then bring him back home without him ever knowing the difference. "It's unethical," Cameron says. "He'll be asleep," House shrugs. Then he gets angry and meanly accuses Cameron of taking Stewart's "side" because she loves broken people because of her PoorDeadHusband. Hey, PoorDeadHusband is back! After dealing with Huntington's Hadley for half a season, I kind of missed him. Cameron cleverly shoots back that based on House's logic, they should have amputated his leg while he was in that coma. "I was risking my life to avoid becoming a cripple," House says; "he's doing it to avoid sunlight and fresh air." And yet, you became a cripple anyway, and one who's in constant pain. You would've been better off without the leg. Cameron is somehow convinced by House's argument (or maybe just convinced that he's going to do what he wants no matter what, so there's no point in fighting it), and says they'll have to make it convincing.
And so, Stewart's living room is turned into an OR, thanks to plastic sheets draping the walls. Stewart's nervous about Chase being in the room, and holds Cameron's gloved hand for support. Idiot. If this was a real surgery, he would have contaminated Cameron and made her have to re-scrub! He sincerely thanks her for not walking away from him, despite him being a "pain in the ass." "You're a good person," he says. Uh oh! Cameron is now wracked with guilt. Chase tries not to get all jealous at seeing another man holding his woman's hand and sets about putting Stewart to sleep. As soon as he's out, the Cottages rush to dismantle their fake OR and get Stewart into the ambulance. Cameron doesn't help because guilt makes one a poor team player.
Wilson sits down with Cuddy in the cafeteria and asks her how she's doing. "Better," Cuddy says. She sure is! It's been, what -- two days since she lost the baby she loved as her very own? And she seems to be just fine. When I was a kid, my pet guinea pig died, and I'm pretty sure I mourned that loss for a much longer time than Cuddy did for her human child. In fact, I'll wager that I'm sadder about Timmy's death to this day than Cuddy is about losing Joy. "Everything else good?" Wilson asks, so obvious. "Everything involving me kissing House is good -- oh god you dragged it out of me. You're a genius," Cuddy says. It would have been pretty funny if this was the first Wilson heard about this, but it's not, as we know. Cuddy says the kiss is "no big deal." She was "feeling vulnerable" and House is "a friend." In what universe is House a friend to Cuddy or anyone? Get a dictionary, Cuddy! Wilson says that he's needed friends, too, and yet never managed to make out with any of them. Not, I think, for lack of trying. "I don't think of House that way. I never have," Cuddy says, the "what me worry?" smile plastered on her face. Wilson asks why not, and Cuddy answers with a deconstruction of how their theoretical relationship would blossom and then wilt and then go down in flames. Wilson points out that Cuddy's done a lot of thinking about how her relationship with House would go for someone who claims to have never thought about it. Cuddy's smile turns into a busted! face. Cuddy says she'll be careful not to make out with House in the future, but Wilson says that's not what he was getting at. In fact, it was the opposite. Since when did Wilson hate Cuddy? He must, to want her to be burdened with a relationship with House.
Speaking of awkward conversations, Chase and Cameron are having one as they wheel Stewart into the OR. Cameron has taken House's words to heart, and asks Chase if they can't spend the night at her place this time, pointing out that they used to share time at each other's places, but now seem to only spend it at Chase's. Chase says his place is closer to work, and Cameron says that her house is only five minutes further away and doesn't look like it was decorated by a "drunk rugby player." And with that one sentence, I know exactly what Chase's apartment looks like. "We can discuss it -- " Chase starts, but Cameron has some kind of point to make, and asks why they have to discuss anything. And with that, their progress is stopped by Cuddy, who appears out of nowhere and leaps in front of the stretcher, telling them that she gets a page when "that much surgical equipment is signed out." Now it's Chase and Cameron's turns to make busted! faces. Meanwhile I really want to see the PPTH equipment sign-out protocol manual where it says that it's okay to sign out enough equipment to set up a convincing home OR, but the hospital administrator will be paged about it, although not in time to actually stop it from happening.
So now Stewart is lying in the center of a room. House is sitting in a chair, Cuddy is pacing, and Cameron is trying to defend PPTH's right to kidnap patients. Chase says Stewart won't even know he was ever at PPTH, but Cuddy says he'll get an infection from his "dirty apartment" (way to judge, Cuddy. You haven't even been there) and that will somehow let him know that the surgery was done elsewhere. Cameron tells House to start defending them, but House just says Cuddy is right. They'll do the surgery here, and the post-op recovery as well. Cameron looks betrayed, but has no choice. Now here's what I want to see: the Cottages making up a PPTH post-op room to look exactly like Stewart's bedroom. He'll never know the difference! They used to do stuff like this all the time on Mission: Impossible. Chase and Cameron wheel Stewart out of the room so that Cuddy can try to talk to House alone. "You okay?" she asks. He says he is, and therefore, no talking is necessary. Cuddy points out the wound on his hand, which is bleeding but in no way large or bloody enough to warrant a concerned "you okay?" House explains that it's just the stigmata and takes off.
Cameron prepares Stewart for his surgery, as is the job of most ER doctors. She sends a random worker out to tell Chase that Stewart is ready for surgery, then injects Stewart with some wake-up drugs. She does this because she's feeling bad and wants to feel better about what she's done. When Stewart opens his eyes, Cameron explains that they had to bring him to PPTH for safety reasons. Stewart becomes agitated, because he doesn't want to be at PPTH and made that pretty freaking clear, so no matter how many times Cameron tells him to "calm down" his vitals start going crazy and so does he. Cameron tries to sedate him again, but isn't able to do it in time before Stewart hits the needle away and starts ripping tubes out of his body, causing blood to spray everywhere. She picks the dirty needle up from the floor and injects it into Stewart's IV line as Chase runs in and holds the patient down. "What'd you do?' he asks Cameron accusingly.
One thing Cameron didn't apparently do was sedate Stewart enough, since he managed to call his lawyer and have the surgery stopped and get sent home. Chase, Cameron, and House are lined up in Cuddy's office for yelling at. House, his attention mostly focused on his symbolic mosquito bite, says it's no big deal -- they only have to wait for Stewart to crash and lose consciousness, at which point they'll be able to bring him right back to PPTH. Cuddy says that Stewart and his lawyer have taken care of that, and now the lawyer has Stewart's health care proxy, so any emergencies need to be called in to him for approval first. That's a big responsibility -- hope he's able to reach at all times! Cameron says that she was only trying to help Stewart, since if he had flipped out like that after the surgery, it could have been worse. Cuddy reminds Cameron that she's the boss, and therefore doesn't have to argue with her underlings. And with that, she removes all three doctors from the case. Chase probably doesn't care one bit, and House just turns and leaves. Cameron can't believe that he isn't fighting for their right to treat a man who doesn't want to be treated and chases after him.
Cameron follows House out and asks him what's going on between him and Cuddy. "Bad lovin' gone bad," he answers. Cameron is no Wilson, so she doesn't believe him and asks for the real reason. House says ignoring Cuddy is easier than arguing, and orders Cameron to go back to Stewart's house, earn back his trust, and administer the drug that might clear his blockage without surgery. With that, he enters the well-timed elevator and closes the door in her face. But Cameron's not done yet, as she turns to find Chase, who asks her why she's continuing to work on a case that she's been taken off of. Cameron gets on her high horse about wanting to treat incredibly sick people (such as the people in the ER who have been down one physician since Stewart's ordeal began? Guess not!), and Chase interrupts her to ask what her problem is, saying they left House "as a team" to get away from this "craziness." Cameron reminds Chase that she quit House's team -- Chase was fired. It's always great when your girlfriend is supportive about your career. I guess Chase wouldn't know anything about that.
Cameron heads back to Stewart's house and talks to his metal-plated second front door. She apologizes for letting Stewart down, saying she also let down "everyone who's important to" her. Does she mean just now, or in the course of her life? Oh, she means just now, as she lists off "my boss, my old boss, my boyfriend." Way to put Chase last, Cameron. "I did that for you," Cameron adds. Sigh. All she knows is guilt. Both feeling it and giving it to others. She promises not to let Stewart down again, and he opens the door, if only because it will shut her up.
Meanwhile, House is foraging in the Clinic exam room for a bigger bandage. Wilson finds him there, and immediately spots the tiny red mark on House's hand and calls it a "red badge of idiocy." House says that if the Confederacy had mosquitoes, they would have won the Civil War. Does he mean if the mosquitoes were fighting for the Confederacy? Because I'm pretty sure they've got mosquitoes down there. A lot of them. And what a ridiculous idea that is, to have the mosquitoes fighting the Civil War. First of all, who is going to make their tiny uniforms? Second of all, the only mosquitoes that suck blood are females, and females weren't allowed to fight back then. And third of all, mosquitoes are known proponents of equal rights, so I really doubt they'd take up the Southern cause. Wilson only wants to talk about the fact that Cuddy kicked House off of his case, and how that's because they kissed and neither will talk about it. Now they're both acting differently. "You're scared. You are scared to get involved," Wilson accuses. House says he's not scared -- he's being rational. They work together, they'd break up, and then there would be "ugliness." Yeah, because House is all about avoiding ugliness. Please. Wilson says even the relationships that don't end in break ups end in death, so everything falls apart sooner or later. That's why, Wilson says, you're supposed to grab any chance you can for happiness. Or not bother at all, since it will only end in pain. I guess that's House's way of looking at things. House decides to flip things around on Wilson, asking him why this matters to him so much. Wilson says he wants House to be happy, and he thinks he would be if he dated Cuddy. House accuses Wilson of trying to live vicariously through him because he's the one with feelings for Cuddy. Meanwhile, I think that Wilson secretly hates both Cuddy and House and wants them to get together because they'll make each other miserable. House points out that Wilson did try to date Cuddy once, but CTB came along and got him first. Now he's single again but can't date because it's too soon, so he's trying to get House to date instead. House leaves Wilson standing there with no idea what to think anymore.
Cameron calls House with an update on Stewart's condition. The drugs aren't helping, and she wants to try to do the surgery in his house, saying that it's probably ten times more sterile than a battlefield operating room. Yes, and those surgeries always work out so well, too. The only problem is they don't have a surgeon, since Chase is out and he's the only surgeon PPTH has. Cameron asks House to try to talk Chase back into it, but House just says he can't understand a word that comes out of Chase's Australian mouth. And he doesn't have to, because there's Taub, who used to be a plastic surgeon. Good enough!
And so, Stewart is too afraid to leave his house, but he's perfectly fine with an inexperienced surgeon performing an operation in his not-so-sterile home. Okay. This doesn't make any sense anymore. House was right -- pain overrules fear, and if this were real life, the pain of an obstructed bowel would have driven Stewart willingly to PPTH a long time ago. Also, if this were real life, no one would take all this time and money to treat the guy who refused to leave his house and assaulted fellow health care workers in an effort to stay in there. But this isn't real life, so I'll go with it. But I can only suspend my disbelief so far, and I'm having trouble with this episode. Taub is doing the surgery and Kumar is assisting, much to his annoyance. He grouses at being told to do some suctioning, saying he went to "med school, not nurse school." But I thought that nurses on this show were only good for cleaning up bodily fluids on the floor and bringing the doctors peppermint tea. Since when did they get to suction, too? And since when did doctors not suction? I'm pretty sure they do it on other hospital shows. There's plenty of sucking over at Grey's Anatomy, for example. House and Stewart's lawyer are observing, although neither is wearing a surgical mask, because why not make an already questionably sterile room even less so?
House checks out a piece of Stewart's intestine under a microscope, and notes that the villi are flattened, which means intestinal atrophy. Cameron diagnoses this as Whipple's disease, which is what you get when you squeeze the Charmin. Well, he did warn you. House says that explains all of Stewart's symptoms, and then Taub sees a bleeder that needs to be cauterized. This gets House's attention, and he turns and yells at Taub about all that gas trapped behind the bowel obstruction, but it's too late and Taub has set Stewart's farts on fire. How embarrassing! House puts the fire out and tells them to treat Stewart for his burns and his Whipple's and he'll be just fine. Meanwhile, has Kumar ever been a part of a medical procedure that didn't end in fire and tears? Maybe he should spend some time in fire-fighting school.
Sometime later, Chase stops by Stewart's house with some coffee for Cameron. He kindly offers to stay at her place tonight, but she says she'll be staying at Stewart's, since there's no one else to supervise his post-op healing. Also because Cameron is totally in love with Stewart. If that biopsy had shown terminal cancer and not Whipple's, they'd already be married. Sorry, Chase. He tries to argue, but Stewart calls out for Cameron, and she comes running. He says he can't feel his legs. Cameron's eyeballs turn into little hearts.
Cameron and the Cottages are back in Stewart's living room, talking to House over the phone. The leg numbness is a new symptom that rules Whipple's out, but Foreman says the flattened villi could mean celiac's disease, which also explains the rest of Stewart's symptoms. Cameron says they should do a blood test to confirm it. They could also do a stool test, as I saw someone do when I worked in a hospital lab. It involved the collection of 72 hour's worth of a patient's shit, which then came to us in a tub. We were told to handle this tub carefully, as the gasses trapped inside it were volatile and could cause a shit explosion if mishandled. I wouldn't put it past this show to feature that (in fact, it already has done similar things this season ... and this episode), but this time House wants to test Stewart's sensitivity to wheat products by making him eat as much of it as possible and then doing an endoscopy to see if there's a reaction. Taub doesn't like this, pointing out that making a patient eat while his guts are still recovering from surgery and third-degree burns will be painful. Cameron says that's exactly why House is doing it. Somehow, the decision lies with Foreman, and since he can't make any decisions, he orders both the blood test and the painful wheat feeding test.
Wilson enters Cuddy's office, first stating that he's "not here to play matchmaker." If you feel the need to say it, then you probably are. Wilson then says that House accused him of being interested in Cuddy ... and Wilson thinks he's right. "I do have ... I've always had ... some feelings for you," he admits. Um, if that is true, this is neither the time nor the place for it! You're at work, idiot! Come on! But, Wilson adds, he would never date Cuddy since it "wouldn't be fair to House" and CTB just died and all. Cuddy, who finished mourning the loss of her would-be baby after about six hours, doesn't understand what Wilson's talking about with the needing time after CTB's death, nor does she get why Wilson felt the need to tell her this when he isn't planning on doing anything about it. Why be mad, Cuddy? You're the belle of the ball this week! No doubt Hadley will be professing her feelings for you shortly. But whatever you do, don't drink from the open bottle she offers you! "I thought you should know," Wilson says. "Let's have dinner tomorrow night," Cuddy offers. Wilson accepts her invitation. So much for needing time to get over CTB! Wilson turns to leave, but Cuddy's not done. "Maybe it'd be better if we just had sex," she says; "in front of House's office." Wilson is rendered speechless, so Cuddy continues that she's assuming Wilson is doing this to make House jealous and spur him into Cuddy-dating action. "You think it'll work?" Wilson asks. "You're an idiot," Cuddy says. For real. How can Wilson possibly think this is a good idea? Cuddy tells him everyone is better off if she and House don't date, and kisses him on the cheek. Wilson looks disappointed, although I'm not sure if it's because his plan didn't work, or because he really does have feelings for Cuddy.
Cameron's all bitchy today as Stewart suffers over his oatmeal and asks her if this is the best test. "No, but you've kind of tied our hands," she says. And then she goes into mental fix-it mode and starts trying to talk to Stewart about being shot, and how his PTSD-related agoraphobia is nothing to be ashamed of and can be helped with therapy. Stewart says it's not PTSD, explaining that his girlfriend was with him when he was shot. She was shot, too, and she died. "I'm sorry," Cameron whispers. But she isn't sorry. Her heart just skipped a beat. A dead girlfriend means one less person in Stewart's life. If he has no friends or family, then she's going wedding dress shopping! Stewart continues that he's always been agoraphobic, ever since he was a child. He'd feel physical pain and have panic attacks when he went outside. Somehow, he managed to get a girlfriend, and she was the only reason why he ever wanted to go outside. When she died, so did his life in the outside world. Hey -- just how did those paramedics know to come to his house in the first place?
House enters the lab, where Taub is doing Stewart's blood test. House ensures that it will never be completed by dumping the blood all over the floor. One of these days, the cleaning staff is going to kill him in his sleep. Just you wait. House says he wants Taub to slow down his blood test progress and take Stewart off the morphine, all in an effort to force him to go to PPTH. Because at this point, it's a power struggle. Taub stupidly asks what motive he has to do this, and House says Taub's marriage is falling apart, which is why he's spending more time than necessary at work and willing jump at the chance to spend even more time away from his home. Because it takes such a long time to put morphine labels on bags of saline. Taub says his wife asked him to sleep on the couch "for a few nights," and he's not working extra to stay away from her. House doesn't believe him and neither do I.
Back home, House has figured out a way to lure the symbolic mosquito to its doom; a giant "skeeter trapper" that says it's for outdoor use only and uses propane. I looked it up, and such a ridiculous device does exist, and emits carbon dioxide in order to attract mosquitoes. Then it sucks the mosquitoes up and traps them somewhere. That's way too complicated. Also, I disagree with killing bugs when they're outdoors. That's their home. They're supposed to be out there. And you're never going to kill every single mosquito in the world with one of those things, so why bother? Also, the website boasts about how it lures mosquitoes in from all over the neighborhood, which is bound to backfire. No doubt some of them don't go for the trap, but another nearby carbon dioxide source -- you. You probably end up with more mosquitoes in your backyard than you would have had.
Wow, I really hate outdoor propane mosquito traps. Who knew? House turns the machine on, and soon the mosquito is there. House didn't bother to read the part of the directions where the machine traps the mosquito, so when it lands on a spigot, he smacks it with the rolled-up instructions. And misses, knocking the spigot off so that propane is now shooting into the house. House is too busy swatting at the mosquito, now in the kitchen, to care about that. The mosquito lands on an oven switch, and House swats it again. The mosquito flies away unharmed, but one of the burners has been turned on. House looks at the fire, then back to the propane tank. "Huh," he says. "KABOOM!" says his house. But of course, it was just a dream. You could tell because House wasn't limping. And because that explosion would have killed him and we can't have that. At least, not until the season finale, and even then only temporarily. I thought that was really clever, though, to tie the symbolic mosquito into a gas explosion like the one that came out of Stewart's intestines. Kind of like how real dreams work.
House heads to Wilson's place. It's the middle of the night, but Wilson answers the door anyway, asking House if this is really where he wants to be right now. "Ric Ocasek'll kill if I ... oh, you mean Cuddy!" House says. Okay, I think what he meant be that is that if he could be anywhere in the world right now, he'd be having sex with Ric Ocasek's supermodel wife. But that's a guess. If I'm wrong, I'm sure I'll get emails! Undaunted, Wilson lists off all of Cuddy's good qualities, including the most important: that she can stand to be around House. House says he isn't here for lecture, but to get away from the "killer mosquito" in his apartment. Wilson denies the existence of any mosquito, saying he thinks that House is imagining both the mosquito and the bite. House denies this, but Wilson points out that House was "bitten" the night he kissed Cuddy, and his itching only gets worse when he's thinking about or is around her. The only cure for it, Wilson says, is to talk to Cuddy and get things out in the open, but House won't do it because he's afraid if things don't work out with her then there's no one out there for him. "I'm better off alone," House says, getting real for a second before commenting on the size of Cuddy's ass. Wilson refuses to let House sleep over tonight, saying he can either go back to his symbolic mosquito-infested house or go to Cuddy's place and ask her out. At there in the morning. Wilson really is setting them both up for failure, isn't he?
So where does House go? Stewart's place, which was not one of Wilson's options. Cameron asks him why he's here. "I missed you," he says, before ordering her to give Stewart another endoscopy (the first one was inconclusive. So much for the wheat test being accurate). But when Cameron tries to prepare for it, Stewart's vitals crash, much to House's joy. Instead of taking measures to bring Stewart back, House calls the lawyer for permission to admit Stewart to PPTH. He gets it and orders Cameron to do CPR while he calls for an ambulance. Cameron doesn't listen to him, though, and whips out the defibrillator paddles. The shock brings Stewart back, which is exactly what House was trying to avoid. With Stewart out of danger, House is no longer allowed to bring him to PPTH. Which means that Cameron put Stewart through all the pain of wheat force-feeding for no reason. Either commit to making the guy so sick that he has to go to PPTH or commit to saving his life in his home, Cameron. But you can't do both.
After the break, Foreman exposits that Stewart's heart rate is bradycardic, so Taub has put in a temporary pacemaker. House offers Cameron her job back so that he can fire her. Cameron defends herself by saying that her ER skillz say that you resuscitate a dying patient, so she did. I'm pretty sure they do CPR in ERs too, Cameron. House thinks Stewart is being poisoned somehow. Kumar points out that there were rose petals in the hallway when Stewart was found the first time, but Foreman says Stewart would have to eat a lot of roses to suffer from organophosphate poisoning. Hadley points out that the place is kept spic and span, almost to an OCD degree, which House finds interesting.
He barges into Stewart's room and asks him how often he washes his bathtub. "Every couple days," Stewart says. And he uses bleach and ammonia to do it, too, even though I'm pretty sure everyone in the world knows to never, ever, ever combine the two. House returns to the living room and informs the crew that Stewart has been unknowingly exposing himself to chlorine gas, which is fat soluble. That means that as Stewart's stomach pains caused him to lose weight, he became sicker and sicker. Um ... how did he not realize he was exposing himself to chlorine gas in the first place? Doesn't it smell? Doesn't it make you feel sick? Shouldn't Stewart have lung problems, too? House tells the Cottages to put Stewart on steroids and sodium bicarbonate, but Taub points out that the temporary pacemaker is temporary, and won't hold up forever. Taub can't put a real one in, and Stewart won't leave his home to get one from Chase, the only surgeon in the world.
Cameron seeks out Chase for pacemaker advice, but he says a permanent pacemaker requires extreme precision and skill (and yet, it can be done by Chase, wh isn't a specialized heart surgeon. Amazing!), and the portable X-ray and sonogram they've got at Stewart's house aren't precise enough. "He's dying," Cameron says. Chase says that's all the more reason for him to stay far away from this case, and accuses Cameron of looking for a reason to be angry at him. Cameron doesn't want to talk about it, but Chase persists, saying that the reason why they spend nights at his house is because he never felt welcome at hers. She kicked him out in the morning and never bothered to give him a drawer or space in her closet. "I was just a visitor," he says. He's felt like this from the beginning, but decided not to talk to her about it because he's passive-aggressive, and because he wanted to be understanding of Cameron's issues surrounding her PoorDeadHusband. Not anymore, though. "I can't keep chasing you forever," he says. Well, that's the end of that.
House is snoozing in his office, a mosquito-free zone. Cameron calls to report that Stewart is getting worse, even with the meds. House says they were too late and Stewart's a goner. Oh well! "You're giving up?" Cameron says. He sure is, and tells Cameron to call Taub to bring over some real morphine for Stewart's pain. Cameron says that she cleverly figured out that House took Stewart off the morphine and put him back on it already. Was that before or after they figured out the chlorine gas thing? Because if it was before, then Cameron has yet again sabotaged the case and Stewart's life in the name of helping him. But House admires Cameron for this, and says "I love you. When you reach puberty, give me -- " and then he stops because he's gotten his epiphany. I totally thought it had something to do with reaching puberty and Stewart being afraid to go outside since he was a child and that being some kind of symptom, but it's not -- he asks Cameron if Stewart had abdominal pain while on the morphine. Cameron says yes. House takes another look at Stewart's X-ray.
House returns to Casa Stewart with an X-ray and points Cameron to a spot on Stewart's hip. Cameron doesn't see anything unusual, but House tells her to think again. "You think he's got lead poisoning?" Cameron says. Whoa, where did that come from? Anyway, it explains all of Stewart's symptoms, and House knows how to get rid of it. He whips out a scapel and tells Cameron to hold Stewart down, promising he won't feel anything. Stewart looks at the hand Cameron's thrown over him suspiciously. "Except excruciating pain!" House says, and proceeds to cut into Stewart's hip with so much as anesthetic, just to be mean. I don't feel too sorry for Stewart. If you want anesthesia, you go to a hospital. House shoves forceps into the incision and pulls out some tiny bits of seven-year-old leftover bullet, explaining to Stewart (who I very much doubt is paying attention right now) that the mugger used hollow point bullets, which split into fragments as we see in the Magic Schoolbus Cam. The doctor who removed the bullet missed a few fragments, as they were stuck in Stewart's hipbone and the doctor was clearly a moron. And probably worked at PPTH. Everything was fine until the fragments started to dissolve, at which point Stewart got sick. Cameron asks if the lead poisoning could have caused Stewart's agoraphobia, but House says no. "I don't need to change!" Stewart says. "I know you think that, but you're using poison gas to clean your own bathtub. At the very least, hire an experienced cleaning woman!" Cameron says. Okay, I added to that. Actually, she says that Stewart might think his life is fine now, but it could be much better. "You'd have choices!" she says. Ew, choices. I hate choices. Choices make me take forever in the grocery store. And does Cameron really think that she's going to convince Stewart that the outside world is worth joining by nagging him incessantly? That would make me think that the world is full of people trying to tell me what to do, and want to stay away from them.
"He's lying," House says; "about everything." Stewart knows he's miserable in this house no matter how many times he tells them that he's happy. And House knows this because of those rose petals in Stewart's entryway. He did a little research and found that the day Stewart collapsed was his dead girlfriend's birthday. He was going to put flowers on her grave, which I'm assuming was outside because it's illegal to bury people inside your house. Stewart also has a picture of him with the girlfriend, and in seven years Stewart hasn't aged a day! Maybe all that chlorine gas is a fountain of youth. House says that Stewart is a coward on top of everything else. "You want to change your life? Do something. Don't believe your own rationalizations, or you'll just lock yourself up and pretend you're happy." There's an awkward moment where everyone in the room applies that to his or her own circumstances.
First up is Cameron. She finds Chase in the doctor's lounge and says that he was right that her PoorDeadHusband's poor dead death affects her. I don't understand how she can be traumatized by it, when she married the guy KNOWING that he was terminally ill, and married him ONLY BECAUSE he was terminally ill! His death wasn't a shocking surprise, and didn't she once say she had feelings for the guy's best friend by the end anyway? Come on! Chase thinks he's getting dumped, but no -- "I cleaned out a drawer for you. Like, a big one." Aww. Smiles!
House tries to play his guitar, but it's out of tune and the symbolic mosquito lands on his hand. House moves to kill it, but then blows it away instead. Possibly because he knows that a CGI mosquito can't suck your blood. House grabs his keys and his jacket, leaving his cane behind with impulsiveness.
And then, music montage! House's motorcycle pulls up outside a house. Stewart nervously stands in his entryway. Chase fills his new drawer at Casa Cameron. House and Stewart both reach the front doors of their respective locations. And then we go to Taub, just in case anyone cared what's going on with him. He's sleeping on the couch, and Mrs. Taub the sucker doormat curls up to him. Stewart opens the door. House creepily looks into Cuddy's living room window and sees her sitting on a couch, reading and not being sad about losing her baby at all. Stewart takes a step outside. House takes a step away from Cuddy's door. Did you really think he was going to knock on that door? I'm not sure if I wanted him to or not, but this was what I was expecting to happen. Everyone can change except for House. House and Stewart both make it to a curb at the same time, one having overcome his fear and the other submitting to it. We end the episode before we can see the part where Stewart gets mugged again. What an unfortunate coincidence!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if it's