By Sara M
House and his new old team take the case of James, a brilliant physicist who left it all behind to marry a woman and embark on a career delivering packages and comes to PPTH because he can't move his hand. They get right to diagnosing him with thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura (TTP) and removing his spleen to treat it, only for his condition to get worse with a stroke. House eventually realizes that James is addicted to cough medicine because it makes him dumb and, therefore, happy and in love with his less intelligent wife. But since it's causing his symptoms, he has to quit it and go back to his brilliant but lonely life. Except then he can't feel his legs, which means it wasn't the cough medicine after all. When James tells House about a past suicide attempt that left him with broken ribs and the realization that drugs made him feel wonderfully stupid, House finally figures out that it was TTP the entire time, and removing James' spleen didn't work because the suicide attempt trauma injured his spleen, causing it to become awesome and split up into 16 mini-spleens! Once they're all removed, James is cleared to go back to his life of cough medicine abuse and stupid-wife-loving. And for our non-patient plots, House and Cuddy play mind games with each other and the audience loses, Chase gets his co-workers to stop being nice and asking him about Cameron by punching House in the face, and Taub uses House's resulting facial trauma to prove to his wife that he can stand up to his boss with violence, which she finds irresistible for some reason.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our guide to House's Craziest Patients
A delivery man enters the dustiest library of all time and chats with the librarian, who sort of brags that he understands "most" of the library's egghead books. He's not lying, though, as he recognizes the delivery man as James Sidas, the youngest person ever to graduate MIT with a reported IQ of 178 and three books and thirty-five academic papers published before he was 18. James is less than thrilled to be recognized, but the librarian doesn't care, asking him to sign one of his books and saying James' presence there is "the most exciting thing that's happened in this place in years." "I'm not that guy anymore," James says. Seriously, librarian -- he's a per diem delivery man. Obviously, something's gone wrong. Leave him alone. But James agrees to sign the book to get the guy off his back, only to find that his hand isn't working.
And even though Cameron is off the show, the credits stay the same!
House brings a bagel to the PPTH cafeteria register and tells the woman behind it to put it on Wilson's tab. The cashier isn't having any of this, saying she doesn't know who Wilson is and they don't have tabs, anyway. House then attempts to steal the bagel, but Cuddy is there to pay for it. This traps her in a conversation with House, who asks about her Thanksgiving plans. She says she's going to her sister's house and gives House James' file, which he takes without question or complaint. "Enjoy your drumstick!" he calls back pleasantly on his way to work. Cuddy responds by cocking her head so far to one side that I thought her neck might be broken.
House limps into the meeting room, where the current team is ready and waiting. Yes, there's Chase, wedding ring-free! He certainly did give up on and get over Cameron quickly, didn't he? House tosses the file on the table and says their latest case is a courier with ataxia, anemia, and a mild cough. He gets the Cottages' brains in gear with a mild jab at Foreman's race and chews on his bagel. Taub comes up with a diagnosis of sickle cell anemia, which Foreman frowns about because James is white, and thus much less likely to have sickle cell. But not completely unlikely, Foreman. Expand your disease horizons. He has a better diagnosis, though -- thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura, or TTP, which Hadley agrees with, much to everyone's surprise. You see, they assumed that Hadley and Foreman would have a hostile working relationship, but it turns out that Hadley and Foreman are committed to acting like professionals and adults unlike everyone else on this show. Chase likes TTP too, but Taub disagrees. House ignores him and tells them to confirm the TTP diagnosis with a blood test.
Hadley and Taub report to the patient to take some blood and also meet his wife Dara, who is so worried about her husband that she gets confused and thinks Hadley and Taub are treating James before they've actually done the test to prove their diagnosis. This is supposed to show us that she isn't very bright, but it seems like an easy mistake to make to me since they usually are treating before proving the diagnosis on this show. Taub wants to know what a brilliant guy like James is doing working as a courier, wondering if the drastic career change is a symptom of drug addiction or mental illness. James says he chooses to work as a courier because he likes the fact that it's easy and he doesn't have to think. He wasn't happy as a super-genius. When he met his wife, who doesn't care how smart he is or what he could accomplish with his intelligence, he was truly happy for the first time and decided he'd rather be happy than smart. He also apparently decided that the two were mutually exclusive.
Foreman and Chase, meanwhile, are not doing any work. Instead, Chase is lying on the doctors lounge couch and Foreman is asking how he's doing without Cameron. Chase exposits that Cameron has already moved back to Chicago and there is no chance of reconciliation. I don't know how I feel about this. I guess I don't really care. The reason for their split is so ridiculous and contrived and we know they aren't getting back together because Cameron's off the show, so whatever. I just don't understand why they had them get married in the first place. What a waste, but then, this show wastes a lot of things. Foreman kindly offers to take Chase out for a drink to talk about it, but Chase refuses rather rudely, saying he's got things under control and doesn't need anyone's help.
Meanwhile, Taub and Hadley work in the lab. Hadley asks him why he came back to work for House, especially since the new job came with a big pay cut. Taub claims that he doesn't care about money. Hadley asks if his wife feels the same way, which is none of her business. For this, she gets too much information, as Taub says his wife won't have sex with him. He asks Hadley why she came back, and Hadley says she had no reason not to since she and Foreman worked out their problems and are committed to a smooth working relationship. And with that, she finds some schistocytes in James' blood that confirm the TTP diagnosis. Taub points out that that was way too easy and we're only eight minutes into the episode, which means House just wants them to think it's TTP and then see who can figure out what the real diagnosis is.
Hadley and Taub have a bit of trouble keeping up with House as he quick-limps around the oncology wing in search of Wilson. They update him on the TTP diagnosis and say the usual treatment for the disease is not possible due to some allergy James has, so they have to take his spleen out instead. House says that sounds fine and ducks into the men's bathroom. Taub and Hadley exchange a look and follow him in. I think I like Hadley best when she's with Taub and nowhere near Foreman or House. And in small doses. Inside the bathroom, they find House not silent peeing, but checking the stalls for Wilson. He finds someone, but it's not Wilson. And he doesn't seem to appreciate House and his team walking in on his pooping session. Taub says that if House actually thinks it's TTP, then this case is way too simple for him and asks why he took it. "I'm fishing for a dinner invite," House replies, leaving the bathroom. At the sound of a flushing toilet, Taub and especially Hadley quickly follow.
House is sitting in the lobby when Wilson finally walks in. He says he's late because of a "dentist appointment." That lasted half the day? But House isn't really curious as to where Wilson was -- he just wants to know if Wilson knows Cuddy's sister's address so he can crash her Thanksgiving party as part of his new plan to break up Cuddy and Lucas. He thinks he's doing them a favor because if he can break them up then they wouldn't have worked out anyway and it's best that they find that out sooner rather than later. And if he doesn't split them up, then they must be meant to be together and their bond will be even stronger. He gives himself way too much credit for other people's relationships. Then again, he did kind of manage to destroy Chase and Cameron's marriage, so I guess he has momentum. The only part of House's plan that Wilson seems put out by is crashing Cuddy's sister's Thanksgiving dinner, and he refuses to find out her address for House's sake, even when House threatens to use "more nefarious methods" to obtain it if Wilson won't bite.
James' splenectomy is healing well, which is remarkable considering that he could only have had the operation less than an hour ago. Chase says James will be on medication for the rest of his life, but otherwise he won't miss the spleen and the TTP will be under control. Except that James starts talking nonsense about boxes delivering colors like green, orange, and ceiling. Chase takes a look into James' eyes as his monitors start beeping and the left half of James' mouth droops. Stroke!
After the break, Chase says they got the clot out of James' brain and restored the blood flow without any permanent damage. So that's good. But this also means that it wasn't TTP and they took his spleen out for no reason. Which is bad. Even stupid Dara must realize that. In the middle of calling every Julia Cuddy in the phonebook to find the correct one, House asks for diagnoses of something that looks, acts, and tests like TTP but isn't. At one point, Hadley mutters to Taub that they should ask House what he's doing, to which Taub just shrugs there's probably a reasonable explanation. Again -- I like those two together. Maybe it's just that Taub makes everything better. Taub, Chase, and Foreman try to work while Hadley is more focused on House's phone calls, saying that he might not be able to find the correct Julia Cuddy in the phonebook because she got married and changed her name. Duh. Why didn't House think of that? Meanwhile, Foreman suggests a mnemonic device that somehow leads to Taub and Chase being assigned to searching James' home for toxins.
While Chase looks around, Taub passes judgment on the meager living quarters of the smartest man in the world. He has a bit of a point, though -- they don't even have a real fridge. Just a mini fridge full of processed food. While Chase finds nothing remarkable in the bathroom aside from the usual over the counter cold and cough medicines, Taub invites him over for Thanksgiving. That is so nice of Taub, but Chase, of course, gets all bent out of shape at him for it, pointing out that Taub never invited him over before his wife left him. Yeah, how dare Taub be compassionate! What a dick! Shut up, Chase. Chase says he doesn't need any more friends. Mean. Taub finds some mouse droppings and collects them while asking Chase if he has "someone to talk to." Chase says he's fine and won't kill himself like Kumar did. "Kumar never used to come over for dinner," Taub says. Aw, he feels bad for not being a better friend to his dead co-worker. But Chase is not the person to make it up to. "I'm gonna pretend there's something interesting over here so you'll shut up," Chase says. He searches the closet and finds journals filled with genius-y type things like sketches of atomic structures and math proofs. But the journals -- and, it would seem, James' passion for keeping them -- stopped in 1996. "Marriage destroyed his soul?" Chase guesses. Oh, but he's just fine and how dare you try to suggest otherwise, Taub. And then Chase spots a loose grate and removes it to investigate. He finds a half-empty handle of vodka in the vent.
Back at PPTH, House is voluntarily seeing Clinic patients, one of whom, Diane, leaves the exam room smiling and thanking House for his wonderful service. House warmly thanks her for being a wonderful patient. Cuddy sees all of this and doesn't know if she should be happy, horrified, worried, or just pass out from shock. I feel the same way because they actually gave a nurse some lines but it's some effeminate man instead of Evil Nurse Brenda. RIP Evil Nurse Brenda. "He's done six [patients] already!" the man nurse gasps, apparently aware of House's reputation despite there being no reason for him to have met House before since House hasn't set foot in the Clinic since like Season 4. House says he thought the Clinic could use the help, what with the holiday (and cold) season approaching. Cuddy asks if she slipped through the wormhole into an alternate dimension or House did. I'd say it's Cuddy, since, again, there's suddenly some male nurse there we've never seen before who is very much the opposite of Evil Nurse Brenda. Or maybe Evil Nurse Brenda slipped through the wormhole and that's why we haven't seen her in three seasons. Or maybe Evil Nurse Brenda was from the other dimension all along, which would make sense since Star Trek tells us that people from the mirror dimension are just like us but mean. And have facial hair. And overact. Anyway, Cuddy isn't a moron like James' wife so she sees right through House's plan, figuring that he must have some ulterior motive to be doing this for her. "Sexy and smart -- Lucas is a lucky guy!" House says. "Is this a bad agenda or a good one?" Cuddy wonders, ignoring him. Um, really, Cuddy? Is there such a thing as House with a good agenda? Maybe she's from the mirror universe, too. She says House is either trying to screw with her or prove he's really changed. Apparently, she thinks it's the latter, and invites him over for Thanksgiving.
House reports directly to Wilson's office to show off the scrap of paper upon which Cuddy wrote her sister's address. Wilson studies it and says it's three hours away. He's just trying to discourage House from going to Cuddy's sister's so that House will spend Thanksgiving with him instead, I think. House does invite Wilson to come as his date, promising a fun time, and I really don't think Cuddy's sister will appreciate her sister inviting not one, but two strangers to her house for the holidays.
After the break, the Cottages inform House that their patient is probably an alcoholic. Hadley, now 100% in the role of Cameron, cares only about the ties House keeps testing out in front a mirror. House has two to choose from, and both, he claims, will make him look "adorably non-threatening" at Thanksgiving. One of them has cartoon turkeys on it. That one is awesome. And yet, the Cottages choose the ugly brown tie with red Xs (or are they supposed to be turkey feathers? God damn my non-HDTV) on it. Chase thinks James has liver failure from the alcohol, but House says alcoholism is a "pedestrian" addiction for a super-genius. The Cottages disagree, to the point where they're ready to hold off on the liver biopsy until after Thanksgiving because they're that sure of the results. House doesn't think so -- he assigns Taub and Hadley to do the liver biopsy on the holiday just in case the results that come back are not what they expect them to be. That sucks for Taub and Hadley, but it's not unwise, since the results are never what they expect on this show. As for Chase and Foreman who have no one to spend time with on Thanksgiving, they get the day off. So that should be fun for them.
Taub and Hadly prepare to biopsy James' liver. His wife gets to hang out in the room with them, which means she can hear what James is saying. So, of course, he denies being an alcoholic. He does say that he drinks, but "not a lot." The fact that he drinks at all is a surprise to Dara, who is not thrilled to hear that he drinks a shot of vodka after work every night. Hadley says the fact that James does this in secret shows that he has something to hide. "My liver is fine!" James says. Well it won't be if he keeps squirming around while Taub is in there with the biopsy needle.
Ew, harmonica music. While Cuddy, Lucas, and various others sit around a table with food and fun, House pulls up outside Cuddy's sister's house, which is a pretty bleak place since they digitally removed some of the color from the shot. He walks up to the house (which is huge -- Cuddy's sister is LOADED!) and knocks on the door. Inside, Cuddy looks back. But not at the front door -- at a clock. The door is answered by some woman who is not Cuddy's sister but a house-sitter. She explains that Cuddy's sister is in Hawaii this week. The nice Thanksgiving feast Cuddy and Lucas are attending is actually at Cuddy's house, and she sent House on a three-hour-long wild goose chase to her sister's to make sure he wouldn't stop by. While she and Lucas and their guests toast to a happy Thanksgiving, House is in the cold, bleak house of Julia with just the house-sitter and her offer of a turkey sandwich to keep him company. That's mean, Cuddy. I guess she figured it was the only way to prevent him from doing something to ruin her Thanksgiving, but still. At least she has the decency to sort of look guilty about it.
Back at PPTH, Hadley swings by the lab with tuna sandwiches for her and Taub's Thanksgiving feast. Because there's nowhere better to enjoy one's dinner than a medical lab full of bodily fluids from sick people. Yum! Taub is still hoping he'll get home in time to celebrate the holiday with his wife, but it's not looking good -- James' biopsy and blood tests look perfectly fine except for some elevated albumin levels, which means they were wrong about the liver failure. And Taub can't help but make the connection that if James' liver is fine, it's kidney failure that is causing the albumin levels to rise. Which means they'll have to biopsy James' kidney. And that means missing Thanksgiving dinner for sure.
Lucas comes home to find House sitting there in his dark apartment, waiting for him. But he isn't alone -- he has a nearly-empty bottle of something alcoholic to keep him company. "You're not right for her," House slurs. "And you are?" Lucas asks. "Less wrong," House says. Well, those are the ingredients to a perfect relationship. Lucas hints that House might want to get going now, but House rambles on pitifully about how Cuddy used to give him a chance to prove himself in the past, but this time she didn't. And she made him drive like six hours. That blows. Lucas realizes that House isn't going anywhere anytime soon plus the sad piano music is playing and the soundtrack, so he offers to make House some coffee. House drops the bottle and stands. "I'm pathetic. I don't deserve her," he says, then slumps forward onto Lucas's couch and rolls onto the floor. I can't blame him too much. If someone invited me to Thanksgiving and I drove three hours only to find it was a cruel trick, I'd probably drink a lot, too. Lucas tries to help House up and they wind up in a cuddling position on Lucas's couch. Lucas offers up his sofa bed for House to crash at tonight. "I love her," House slurs. I am beyond caring.
The morning, the Cottages meet in the cafeteria and go over the case because House won't be coming in today. Taub says James' kidneys are shot. Hadley tries to diagnose him, but Taub is still bitter about missing Thanksgiving, remarking that he's sure Chase enjoyed his night off. "I don't remember. So I guess I did," Chase says. I don't think blacking out is really that much fun after college. Especially not the day. Although Chase seems to be enduring his hangover like a soldier. He keeps trying to think of diagnoses so as to stop Taub from asking him concerned questions, but all of them are rejected for one reason or another by the rest of the team. Taub comes up with something called Goodpasture's syndrome, and Foreman orders them to give James immunosuppressants and start him on dialysis. Hadley refuses to do anything without House's say-so, even though House is non-responsive and absent. Foreman says House has thus left things up to them. "Not you," Hadley says pointedly. Foreman didn't say he was in charge, Hadley. Stop it. Taub tells Hadley to save it since the majority rules and they agree with Foreman. I love Taub.
James gets to experience the wonderful world of dialysis, where he's hooked up to a blood-filtering machine for 4 to 6 hours a day in the hopes that his condition will improve. Dara asks what happens if it doesn't, because her faith in these doctors has whittled down to nothing at this point, as well it should. She points out that so far, James' doctors were sure the problem was in his spleen, then his liver, and now his kidneys. "It's definitely his kidneys," Hadley says, like Dara has any reason to believe her.
On the way out, Hadley tries to make conversation with Chase, even though they barely know each other and it's none of her business. "Any word from Cameron?" she asks. Why doesn't she ask Cameron herself? She worked down in the ER for a while so she probably knows her better than she does Chase. Whatever. She tells Chase that she got great results from a therapist she started seeing after her Huntington's diagnosis and she thinks Chase might benefit from some therapy, too. Chase begs to differ, because he's being a twat about all of this. When people reach out to you and try to be nice (especially when it's a self-absorbed asshole from this show), you should really be more grateful and appreciative.
Cuddy does not go to work but instead stops at Wilson and House's apartment. It turns out that after House's conversation with Lucas, he dumped Cuddy because he didn't want to get caught in between House and Cuddy, even though Cuddy tried to explain to him that there is no House and Cuddy. House says he has no idea what he said to Lucas because he was too drunk, but tries to appear appropriately contrite. Cuddy doesn't care. She says she felt bad about scamming House, only for him to "live down to [her] expectations." Well, what did she expect? Either she'd scam him and he'd be heartbroken because he really had changed or she'd scam him and he'd get back at her tenfold because he hadn't. Frankly I don't feel sorry for either of them. House shuts the door on Cuddy and runs right to Wilson, his hangover suddenly much better, and says his evil plan to fake drunkenness and break up Cuddy and Lucas worked after all. He's so proud of himself and looking forward to a future with Cuddy that he doesn't realize that 1. Cuddy blames him for destroying her happiness yet again and will not want to date him and 2. Lucas knows way too much about human behavior and is way too good at his detective job to fall for the fake drunk act and profession of love, which is "the second oldest trick in the book," as House says. "You're right. It's his fault because he's stupid," Wilson says, rolling his eyes. House's Wilson-inspired epiphany comes early this week, and he takes off for PPTH.
He enters the dialysis room and says "you're stupid." Chase and Hadley wait to see which one of them he's talking to, but it's actually the patient this time. James, House says, is addicted to cough medicine because it makes him stupid. Dara scoffs at this, but House explains: "he's smart compared to you. He's a moron compared to what he was." James was sick of being a super-genius, so he took IQ-lowering cough medicine with a shot of alcohol to prevent brain damage. Not sure how that works, but okay. House wraps it up: they thought he was abusing the alcohol and using the cough medicine for medicinal purposes, but he was actually abusing the cough medicine and using the alcohol for medicinal purposes. James doesn't deny it, so even stupid Dara realizes that House speaks the truth. She asks James why he deliberately made himself less intelligent. James says he was "turning down" his geniusness because he was happier that way and "life was bearable." "I thought that I did that," Dara says, because now is the time to feel sorry for yourself. Come on, Dara. "You do," James says. House has had enough of this nonsense and says long-term cough medicine abuse explains all of James' symptoms. Removing all traces of it from his system should make him healthy again. And miserable. "I don't think I can live without it," James says. "You'd be surprised what you can live without," House says, probably knowing some of James' pain. And not caring.
After the break, James is cough medicine-free, feeling better, and sketching a toroidal helicon plasma device, because he's a genius again and that's what geniuses do. Dara tries to be interested and he tries to explain it to her, but there is clearly a disconnect so James sends her away to get him some juice. He immediately turns to Foreman and says the difference between his IQ and Dara's is now greater than that of Dara's and a gibbon's. "Having sex with her would be an act of bestiality," James says. So he's unhappy and an asshole as a genius? But at least he knows it, saying he's a jerk but he owes her "everything" and wants to want her -- but without the cough medicine to stupidify him, he can't. You're telling me that geniuses can't be happy unless they're with other geniuses? What about Marilyn vos Savant? She has the highest IQ in the world (as she's so fond of telling us) and she isn't married to a super-genius man. Of course, it is her third marriage and it's the guy who invented the artificial heart and she uses her world-record intelligence to solve word puzzles submitted by Parade magazine readers and maintain the most boring Twitter account ever, but still. There's hope for you yet, James!
Mystery solved, House heads down to the Clinic to suck up to Cuddy. His latest patient is a woman with vague symptoms who's more interested in asking him questions about the Clinic than getting her medical problem taken care of. House immediately identifies her as a sort of insurance company mystery shopper, sent to check on the quality of medical care whilst undercover as a patient. His proof is her fake medical records that are too legible to be written by a doctor, her line of questioning, and the list of questions he found in her purse when she was off giving a urine sample and he was looking around for gum. "You're an ass," she says. But that could mean profit for her, because House offers her $20 to act like he's an awesome guy on the way out of the exam room.
Cut to House and the woman leaving the exam room with twin smiles on their faces. "Remember: first ice, then heat!" House says. "Thank you, Dr. House," the woman says, very convincing. House would rather pay people $20 each to pretend he's nice than actually be nice. But I'm sure that therapy has been very helpful for him. Unfortunately, he wasted his money this time around, as Cuddy isn't there to witness it. Male nurse says she's gone for the day. House is unable to get his money back from the fake patient, so he has to make do with insulting the male nurse for being a male nurse.
Foreman finds Dara sitting in the hall, sad that her husband isn't the same as the man she married. Well, that man was high on cough syrup, so there you go. She may be stupid, but she realizes that James hates her now and wonders if he ever loved her and if their relationship was real. It was not, because it was based on him having to be high to be able to stand her. Wise up, Dara! Pull a Cameron and dump the chump! Foreman tries to reassure her that things will be fine once James is out of withdrawal and adjusted to being his smart self again, but then James cries out for help because he can't feel his legs.
Taub finally gets to go home, only to have to face his angry wife. She doesn't want to deal with him, saying it's late and she's too tired to talk. Taub forges ahead anyway, saying he knows he took a paycut to go back to House's team, but he figures he'll "always" have the opportunity to make money as a plastic surgeon but he'll never have the chance to work for someone like House ever again. But now Mrs. Taub is even more annoyed with him, since he thinks she was annoyed in the first place over money. Taub asks what it is, then. She says she liked Taub when he was "the boss" of his private practice. Now he's back to doing the grunt work he did when they met and he was an intern. Except this time he's 40 years old and it isn't about paying dues for a better future. She thinks her husband is a wuss who can't stand up to a boss who forces him to miss Thanksgiving. And is paging him right now. I'm confused: Mrs. Taub was fine with Taub not being the boss when he quit his job the first time, lying to her that it was because he wanted to do more satisfying things with his medical license. But now that she knows he actually quit because of an affair and it was the second time he quit that it was because he wanted to do more satisfying things with his medical license, she thinks he's a wuss? Also, if you want a husband who's around on holidays, DON'T MARRY A DOCTOR. But I guess Taub deserves this for going back to House without talking to her first.
In the meeting room, the Cottages are trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with James now. Taub walks in, slightly late, but shoots House a warning "don't," when he tries to make fun of him for it. Taub tries to contribute a diagnosis of lupus, which only makes House angrier because it's never lupus, so suggesting it is just being cheeky. Chase, on the other hand, is the only Cottage who hasn't contributed a diagnosis yet, so House singles him out for one. Chase says the other three are doing a fine job coming up with bad diagnoses without his help. House loses his patience and becomes even more of an asshole than usual: "give me something or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her." Foreman and Hadley make "oh no he didn't!" faces but Chase stays calm as he stands, walks up to House, and then punches him in the face. The Cottages look on somewhat enviously and Chase runs away, as usual. On the floor, House's left eye is already looking black and blue.
It's no good having a black eye and nose cut requiring a small Band-Aid on the bridge if you can't get some sympathy for it, so House goes right to Cuddy's office and waits for her to arrive. She does, of course, and asks if he'll press charges against Chase for assault, but House denies that Chase had anything to do with the current condition of his face and blames it on an ottoman he tripped over. Oh, please. Everyone knows that tripping over an ottoman isn't harmful. It just causes a delightful musical flourish as you tumble harmlessly onto the living room floor and then Mary Tyler Moore, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam and that stupid kid help you up while staring at you adoringly. So Cuddy doesn't buy it, nor does she respond to House's request for dinner this weekend. She just keeps going, saying that there are three witnesses to Chase punching House plus whoever might have seen it through the glass walls from the hallway. Ew, Foreman, Hadley, and Taub told on Chase? Jerks. Although I guess Chase had it coming for being so mean to them when they tried to be nice. Cuddy says she "can't have doctors punching each other out," not like she minded it to much when House was the one punching other doctors. She's also worried that Chase is headed for a major breakdown and thus needs help. Because Cuddy is so good at identifying and helping her employees with their serious mental issues. Like when she let House practice medicine for three weeks while hallucinating. House is only there to ask Cuddy out, and once she realizes that she puts on her sad and resigned sighing voice and says she's "not doing this" because "it's not fun anymore." And ... she's right. They found a way to make House and Cuddy not fun anymore. CONGRATULATIONS, writers! You've ruined Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein's great chemistry and made yet another pairing unpleasant to watch onscreen. Pat yourselves on the back.
With no diagnoses from the underlings and no dinner plans from Cuddy, House heads for James' room in the hopes that his computer-like mind will help him come up with the correct diagnosis. "I don't have anyone else to ask," House says a bit sadly. James knows how he feels, being a lonely super-genius himself. He asks if House ever tried to kill himself. "Not quickly," House says, which is about right. James, on the other hand, did try to kill himself quickly by jumping off an eight story building 12 years ago. Despite being a super-genius, he landed in the dumpster the day before trash pickup, and so did not die. He wound up in the hospital with broken bones galore and a special reward for all of his hard work: painkillers! James realized that he was much happier when he on mind-dulling drugs, and it's also where he met Dara, who he fell in love with because she was "so happy. And dumb." He decided that the only way to be happy was to be dumb, and that meant taking cough medicine for the past 12 years. Um, okay. That's kind of out there but the patient and his dilemma interested me enough to accept it. It also makes me think that whoever wrote this saw that episode of Intervention with the guy who was a genius but got addicted to cough medicine and lived in his mom's basement. With that, House decides to perform his one kind deed of the episode and hand James a bottle of cough medicine so he can be a happy and stupid drug addict again. He turns to leave the room, only to get a second epiphany in one episode. He spins around and asks James which ribs he broke in his suicide attempt. James says it was the bottom three on his left side, but House already knew that.
House calls the Cottages in to watch as he performs some kind of scan on James that will show his spleen. Taub grumbles that the late-night page is probably going to cost him his marriage before House grabs him to use as a human shield against Chase, who isn't going to punch him but also isn't pleased to hear that House thinks James has a spleen, considering the fact that Chase was the one who removed it. As it turns out, House isn't doubting Chase's surgical skills -- he's just doubting Chase's powers of observation, as while he did manage to take out a spleen, he missed the fact that there were sixteen more of them in there. What? Yes, it's true: apparently, the spleen is awesome and can split off into splinter spleens if damaged, like it was when James broke those ribs. So James did have TTP after all, and removing the rest of his spleens should make him all better.
Chase follows House into the hall to wrap up their C-plot. He apologizes to House for the various facial wounds he caused, and House says "I guess I deserved it." Well, yes, and also Chase owed it to you from when you punched him three seasons ago. But Chase says that he didn't punch House because of what he said about Cameron -- he did it because he figured a display like that would keep the nosy co-workers off his back. Because even though they are now more worried about him, they won't talk to him anymore. Because they're afraid if they do they'll be punched in the face? That's not exactly setting up a great working environment. This doesn't make much sense. I think they just wanted Chase to punch House because it would look cool in the episode previews. Anyway, House respects Chase's ulterior motives and all is well.
James recovers from his sixteen splenectomies and sincerely thanks House for saving him. House says he won't be so grateful when he sees the hospital bill. Seriously -- guess who doesn't get health insurance? Per diem couriers. Although maybe he got it through his wife's job. James also thanks House for the "stimulating talk" they had. The one that lasted two minutes and didn't say anything that he couldn't have discussed with his wife? Okay. James says he's going back to his life of package delivering and robo-tripping. Taub asks how his wife is going to feel about that. "She doesn't have to know. It's worked for twelve years," James says. Um, except that she does know already. She's stupid, not forgetful. But of course Taub finds this especially inspiring and the lesson -- to keep important things from your life partner and be someone you aren't for her benefit -- to be valuable indeed. "Tell your brain I said good-bye," House says, possibly jealous of James that he gets to turn his brain down and be happily married and high and House doesn't.
Taub chases House down the hall (there's a lot of that going on in this episode) and asks how he can be okay with James willingly making himself stupid. "Ignorance is bliss," House sighs. Taub whips out a camera and tells House to freeze. House does so for an abnormally long amount of time because Taub is one of those people who take forever to take a picture. Why would House oblige Taub like that?
Taub runs home and shows his wife the picture he took of House's face. Mrs. Taub grabs the camera for a closer look and asks what happened. Taub doesn't say anything, allowing her to jump to the conclusion that Taub did this to House. And then let him take his picture like that. Mrs. Taub is stupider than Dara. Taub says he demanded that they lay down some ground rules and "things got heated." But he assures her that he won't be fired or arrested for this and suddenly her husband's lack of impulse control (which, by the way, got them into this mess in the first place, both when he cheated on her and when he took the job with House without asking her) attractive. There is making out. Is it too much to ask that one couple on this show can be normal and happy?
And here's another scene with House and Cuddy. He catches her on her way out of PPTH to give her a peace offering: tickets to the generic "Holiday Carnival" for Cuddy and her daughter. And they don't even have to go with House. Cuddy turns them down, looking stricken.
House returns home and tells Wilson that Lucas and Cuddy didn't split up after all, which he knows because Cuddy wouldn't take the tickets out of what he believes to be guilt. Well, now House and Wilson can use the tickets to go to the Holiday Carnival themselves! It's win-win. Wilson asks what House is going to do to Cuddy and Lucas . "Nothing," House says. He couldn't get them to break up after just one episode of trying, so he figures they'll stay together. "It is what it is," he says. Whatever.
Cuddy arrives home where Lucas is playing with Rachel on the floor in front of a warm cozy fire. It's perfect! Oh, except for the fact that the first words out of her mouth are "House knows I lied." But she also knows that he's going to leave them alone from now on, although she doesn't know why. "Maybe House isn't so bad after all," Lucas says. "That would be nice, wouldn't it?" Cuddy says. Rachel makes an awesome "SHUT UP ABOUT THIS OH MY GOD" face.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.