By Sara M
House gets his medical license back just in time to take the case of Hank Hardwick, a male porn star with photophobia. That case also comes just in time to keep Chase and Cameron at PPTH when they attempt to quit and leave town forever to get away from that whole murder thing. Foreman guilts them into staying on for the case while House looks to see which three of the four Cottages (Chase, Cameron, Taub and Hadley -- yes, that's right. She's back and she's making scrapbooks!) he'll be putting back on his team, even though all four of them claim they don't want the job. House seeks out their differential diagnoses anyway as Hank's condition declines. Chase and Foreman find worms in his liver, but when they give him medicine to kill them, he only gets worse. Hadley and Taub put their heads together and figure out that Hank's too-sterile upbringing caused his immune system to get bored and him to develop an autoimmune disorder: extra intestinal Crohn's disease. The worms were actually helping to keep his immune system from attacking himself, so when they killed the worms, they made him worse. They give him some medicine and more worms, and I guess he'll be fine despite all that stuff they said about his organs being about to fail. Because who cares about the patient when there's drama this week! House is bent out of shape about Lucas and Cuddy dating and takes out his fear of rejection on the Cottages, trying to twist their arms into coming back on the team. In the end, three of them just can't resist the allure of diagnostic medicine. One of them decides that she can't deal with House's disregard of human life and how that ultimately somehow caused her husband to murder someone who was on the verge of killing millions (and who she herself claimed to want to kill until she was actually given the opportunity), so she leaves House, Chase, PPTH and the show. And as much as I've hated on Cameron in the past, she deserved much better than that.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our list of House's Most Ridiculous Patients! And check back later this week for the full recap!
We open on a porn set, which much to my surprise actually has a dressing room area for its male star, Hank Hardwick, who is checking out his eye in the mirror while some other guy (I think it's the director) complains about the quality of the on-set catering. The bagels are too hard, he says. Something being "too hard" is not a complaint you probably hear often on a porn set, I'd guess. Also, pornos have on-set catering? As they make their way through the hallway of the mansion set, which is bustling with crew members (again, this has to be the most high-end porno shoot ever), the director complains about all the budget cuts that are compromising the artistic vision that he apparently has because he is in the wrong field. Hank isn't worried, saying they should look on the bright side: they get paid to do something they enjoy and "touch people's lives." Well, maybe you get to do something you like, Hank. The director guy just gets to watch. [Hey, some people like to watch. - Zach] As they walk onto a set full of scantily-clad women, it turns out that Hank looked a little bit too much at the bright side. For when the director calls action and a ridiculously expensive piece of lighting equipment shines in his face, he sinks to the ground, complaining that his eyes feel like they're exploding.
Over at the Cameron-Chase residence, we join the couple in the middle of one of those tough-but-necessary conversations one often has to have in a marriage when one spouse has murdered a genocidal dictator in order to prevent the murder of millions more and tried to keep it a secret from the other spouse. Married life is hard! Cameron tells Chase that she can "live with" what he did. He's very relieved, and sighs that she has "no idea" what he's been dealing with. Doesn't she, though? Didn't she kill a patient of her very own three years ago? Didn't she talk about wanting to kill Dibala? Is she really that innocent? But all Cameron says is that they need to get away from PPTH and the bad memories. "Turn the page," she Bob Segers.
At PPTH, Foreman and House are fighting over their patient. Foreman wants to take the case of a dying three-month-old baby, while House wants the porn star. Since the porn star appeared in the pre-credits sequence and the baby did not, I think it's pretty safe to say that Hank will win this one. Sorry, three-month-old! I guess you're dead. It's your own fault for not having a more interesting career. Foreman attempts to assert his authority over House, only for Cuddy to enter at exactly the wrong time and seal the baby's fate by handing House his reinstated medical license.
Chase and Cameron also pick this moment to enter, and Foreman tells them that House is back in charge and their new patient is a porn star. Chase and Cameron say they will not be dealing with any of that, as they quit, effective immediately. Wow, way to be professional and give appropriate notice, you two. Cuddy is shocked; Foreman and House are not so much. "We'll miss you," Foreman says, probably not meaning it. The Cameron-Chases go off to clear out their lockers, followed by a distraught-looking Cuddy. I think it's more because she knows House will now have to hire new Cottages and what a headache that will be for her, than the loss of Chase and Cameron, though. Although their leaving does put some giant holes in the ER and surgery departments. Like, the entire departments. House orders Foreman to run a series of tests on Hank all by himself.
Foreman gets ready to do an LP on Hank, who reveals that he's happily married to another porn star. Foreman asks if that causes jealousy between them. Hank claims it doesn't, since porn is "a job" and they don't let their work lives and home lives intersect. Well, except for the fact that they probably met through work in the first place. And their work requires them to do things that society says are only supposed to be done in one's home life. But they managed to do all of that better than Foreman and Hadley could, so ha ha! Hank says that he's not a porn star because he's a drug addict with mental issues -- he's a "nice Jewish boy" who does this because he wants to and because he believes in it. And then his arm muscles suddenly contract painfully.
House shows up in Taub's very modern plastic surgery office to give him a list of symptoms: photophobia, muscle spasms and a giant penis. And also an offer for Taub to re-join the team, saying he has three open spots and four candidates. He does not say that two of those candidates just quit. Taub says his current job is pretty cushy: he leaves at 6 every day and has weekends off. Also, cool lighting in his office. House calls that "dull" and asks for Taub's differential. Taub decides that House is correct that working for him is where he should be and starts for his coat, offering a few diagnoses as he allows House to exit the room first. And then shuts the door behind him and goes back to his boring but cushy job.
House goes to Hadley's apartment (UGH WHY COULDN'T SHE JUST STAY IN THAILAND FOREVER??) and says that Taub thinks the problem is in Hank's brain. "Thailand was wonderful. Thanks for asking," Hadley says obnoxiously, adding that she has an interview for a job at some Community Health Clinic in a few hours. House says if she wants one of the spots on his team, she should really focus her energy on coming up with the right diagnosis. Hadley closes the door in his face.
House heads back to PPTH, where there are fewer doors that can be slammed in his face, and tells Foreman about Taub and Hadley's ideas, even though Hadley didn't have any. Foreman figures out what House is up to and guesses that neither Taub nor Hadley accepted House's invitation to come back to PPTH. House says they will once they get past the non-work-related issues stopping them. Foreman just gets back to the case, saying cerebral vasculitis fits the symptoms. Even though it's never vasculitis, House tells him to treat Hank for it.
While Foreman does that, House has lunch with Wilson. Wilson's treat, of course. I hope he's making House pay rent. But he probably isn't. House asks Wilson which three of the four candidates he should accept. Wilson asks why House is so dead-set on the four people who don't want the job when there are thousands of people out there who do. Yeah, but as we saw in Season 4, those people are crazy about polio, don't actually have a medical license or training, or are secretly suicidal. So he's probably better off sticking with what he knows. House says his four candidates are turning the position down because of external problems and not because of the work itself, to which Wilson says that House has some external problems of his own now that Cuddy is dating that guy we all forgot about from last season who didn't get the spin-off series and so is back. House claims he's fine with it, and Wilson sighs that House throwing himself into his work isn't "the worst thing [he] could do." House asks what that is, then. Don't tell him, Wilson! He doesn't need any more ideas.
Meanwhile, it's been hours, and Chase and Cameron still haven't finished cleaning out their lockers. Foreman wants them to help him out with Hank's case since he doesn't have time to carry out all of the tests House ordered. Which was probably House's intention when he assigned all those tests in the first place. I'm sure Hank will appreciate all the unnecessary and expensive extra tests when he gets his hospital bill, which will probably be quite sizable since I'm pretty sure porn stars don't get health insurance. Chase and Cameron refuse and even urge Foreman to follow them out of PPTH (which he can't, since he's unemployable anywhere else), but Foreman plays his trump card with Chase: "you owe me this."
Chase and Cameron take the elevator all suited up in their lab coats. Chase thanks Cameron for tagging along for what should be their last task at PPTH, while Cameron has problems with House's diagnosis, the brain angiogram he wants them to do to test for it (which could set off a spasm in the guy's brain) and the steroids he wants to use to treat Hank for it (which could spread infection all over his body if the diagnosis is wrong). Chase thinks that sounds like House to him, but Cameron says Hank's problems could just be a Vitamin D deficiency, and perhaps they should treat him for that first. Chase agrees to shine some ultraviolet light on Hank and give him vitamins.
Hank gets to hang out in PPTH's on-site vertical tanning booth with Chase, Cameron, and his porn star wife, who has finally arrived to be by his side. By the way, are there really a lot of porn stars and big-budget pornos being shot in New Jersey? Because I kind of thought they were all in LA. Anyway, Chase is full of questions for the supposedly happy couple, asking if they work together (they used to, but not anymore), or if they watch each other's work (no). Hank senses judgment from the married doctors and says they're proud of what they do, so he doesn't care what people think. Cameron thinks she can be the exception to the rule, and so offers up her opinion on her patient's choice of career. And guess what? It's a negative one. She doesn't like the idea of sex without an emotional connection. The wife says sex is "mechanical," and so doesn't necessary need an emotional component. Did a man write this episode? I'll bet a man wrote this episode. "Certainly not in your world," Cameron sniffs at them with a disgusted look on her face as she runs away from them before she can catch something. Hank speaks up and says their work "helps" couples. Oh, come on now, Hank. You aren't making a sensual how-to video here. It's hardcore pornography. And it's okay. Not everyone's work has to be noble, and not everyone with a noble profession is a good person. Like these asshole doctors who are judging you right now. Actually, Chase isn't judging them so much as he's using their situation to talk about his own: "you think you can escape the consequences, but you can't. You don't get to make your own rules and morals." At this point, Hank's wife is like "shut up and do your job." Hank would have told them the same, but he's too busy with his sudden nosebleed that his doctors didn't notice because they were probably getting their own nosebleeds from lifting their noses so high up in the air in disapproval. "It's just a nosebleed," Chase says. Uh, no, it's not. It's never "just a nosebleed" on this show. Sure enough, Cameron notices he's bleeding inside his leg, too. That rules out Vitamin D and vasculitis.
House is not surprised when Chase and Cameron enter the meeting room with Foreman. They tell him that Hank is now having blood clotting issues. House is a bit distracted, however, by what he's watching on his laptop. The telltale music lets Cameron know it's one of Hank's movies. "He's not without talent," House says. While Cameron goes off and thinks about how much better than that she is, Foreman says the UV rays they exposed Hank to made his capillaries fragile and thus caused his bleeding problems. Nice job, Chase and Cameron! Once Cameron gets over herself, she comes up with a diagnosis for Hank: meningococcemia. I am shocked to tell you that my spellcheck knew that word. House sends Foreman and Chase off to treat Hank for that, but has Cameron stay behind so he can confirm his suspicions that Chase told Cameron about the murder thing. He'd better hope he's right, or else she just found out in a rather nasty way. He asks if that means Chase is allowed to break other Commandments, too. Cameron says she forgave Chase, but House won't believe it, saying that no matter how bad of a person Dibala was, Cameron has a stick up her ass when it comes to doing the right thing. Um, except when she herself also wanted Dibala to die and also HAS KILLED A PATIENT HERSELF. Why is no one bringing this up? I don't get it. Cameron accuses House of trying to ruin her marriage. House says it's already ruined -- as soon as Cameron gets over the shock of what Chase did, she'll get on her high horse and ride it to the nearest divorce court. Which is fine with House, because by his convoluted logic, the only reason why Cameron quit being a Cottage in the first place was because he fired Chase, so when she's not with Chase she'll have no reason not to come back. Has he not considered the fact that working for him really sucks?
Chase gives Hank some medicine and warns him that he probably got meningococcemia from sexual activity. Hank tells him to drop the anti-porno stance since Cameron isn't around to approve of it. Chase says that he might "look around once in a while," but he loves his wife and the fact that she's the only person he's intimate with. Hank accuses Chase of following society's rulebook or whatever and I don't really care. Go ahead and make a case that porn stars can have awesome stable lifelong marriages to each other and sex plays no role in marriage whatsoever. Way to defy our expectations and Make Us Think, House! Hank says his marriage isn't perfect, but he and his wife are committed "in every way that matters." Chase doesn't think that works "if you have a conscience." Whatever, Chase. I'm pretty sure that cheating on your spouse > murder. Hank says conscience is just a social construct before his monitors start beeping. His sudden fever means the antibiotics Chase just shot him up with aren't working and it isn't meningococcemia.
Taub is a doctor at a swanky plastic surgery office, and yet he has to call in the patients from the waiting room himself? That's lame. He calls for a "Mr. Takiyama," who ends up being House, who makes a crack about Asian blepharoplasty before updating Taub on Hank's condition. Taub tries to ignore him and see a real patient, only to find the name on the list is "Mr. Hitler." Okay, what moron receptionist took that appointment? I mean, come on. I can't tell if House's fellow waiting room patients are annoyed or find the diversion from their lives of nosejobs and lovehandles humorous. Taub finally asks for a patient to volunteer to go . Unfortunately, a large man stands and is told that he is trying to get "two decades' worth of corn chips Hoovered out of his neck." So whoever wrote this episode is a man and English, I guess? Because I'm pretty sure Americans don't use Hoover as a verb. Or perhaps it's an American history buff who's saying that the patient wants to have two decades' worth of corn chips tragically mishandle the worst financial crisis in American history out of his neck? House says that Taub may be "content" with his current home and work life, but sooner or later he's going to realize that he doesn't like content and start investing money in stock scams while he cheats on his wife just like he did the last time he was content. Taub reminds House that he shut the door in his face last time and that the only job he's interested in are nose jobs. And that gives him an idea in spite of himself. He tells House to try draining Hank's sinuses -- if they're infected and clogged enough, then there could be a pocket of bacteria in there that the antibiotics couldn't get to. Um, I think they'd know if Hank's sinuses were that clogged. Because, you know, he'd have the worst headache ever. And probably a sinus infection. But this satisfies House and he leaves Taub, promising to come back for more tomorrow.
Seriously, Hadley? A scrapbook of your trip to Thailand? And who is it for, exactly? Yourself? Do you really think you'll forget any of the crucial details in the ten years of life you have left? Come on, now. Also, she's working on it in a diner, which I'm sure her waitress appreciates. Way to take up a table, not order any food, and spread your craft supplies all over the place. Foreman sneaks up behind her, takes one look at her project, and says, "Looks like quite a trip." Hadley tells Foreman that if he's here on House's behalf, there's no use. She doesn't want to go back. Foreman says she's a "great doctor." She asks him if he's just saying that because he still has feelings for her and wants her to come back. Way to toot your own horn and doubt your medical skills at the same time there, Hadley! Foreman says his feelings for Hadley are irrelevant, as he has now learned that work life and personal life must remain separate. "I can't work with you," Hadley says. Foreman thinks she can, since he was the one who had the problem and fired her before, and he doesn't have that problem now. But I thought Hadley's point was that he had that problem in the first place, and he selfishly punished her for it. So it doesn't really matter how he feels now.
Sinus-draining surgery is gross. House decides to liven it up by teasing Chase while he tries to work, saying that he thought Chase's admission to Cameron would ruin everything, but instead it seems to have made things better. Chase says Cameron loves him. House says her forgiveness is "completely inconsistent with her character" over the past six years, which in and of itself was completely inconsistent, so it actually makes total sense. While Hank's sinuses drain out of his nose in a most disgusting fashion, House threatens to find out what's going on with Cameron.
But first, Wilson wants to find out what's going on with House, and seeks out Cuddy to ask her for suggestions as to why House is "stalking" his old fellows. Cuddy doesn't really care, so Wilson blames her for House's actions and asks why she's dating Lucas. Yes, why date Lucas, who is sweet and makes you and your baby laugh when you could have a crazy asshole like House who makes everyone cry? Cuddy says she's sorry that she won't date Wilson's friend, but it's her life to live and that what's she doing. And she's sick of having to change or give things up because of how House might feel about it. Good for her, I say.
Oh, except that back in the privacy of her own home with Lucas, she isn't quite that strong. She says she feels horrible. Lucas would rather that House isn't dragged into their relationship. Cuddy says House will insert himself into it no matter what. Lucas uses his detective skills to figure out that Cuddy never anticipated House finding out about Lucas, which means she never anticipated their relationship lasting this long. Cuddy says he's right about that. But Lucas isn't too hurt, since he points out that while Cuddy acted all cool around Wilson, she felt comfortable enough around Lucas to freak out about House. I'm not sure that means what he thinks it means.
Chase and Cameron work in Hank's darkened room for two seconds before inserting their personal lives into their work lives. Chase asks Cameron why she forgave him so easily, pointing out that she's been harder on Hank than him. Cameron says Hank isn't sorry for his actions, while Chase feels shame and guilt. They hold hands awkwardly until Hank wakes up, complaining about his stomach. Cameron touches it and announces that his liver is failing.
After the break, Chase exposits that Hank's abdomen is filling with fluid along with his failing liver, ruling out meningococcemia. Good thing he got those sinuses drained, then! They go over Hank's history again, with Foreman telling us that Hank's childhood medical history is "spotless," thanks to his parents running him to the doctor if he had even the tiniest of coughs. Cameron suggests a tumor, but Foreman turns that down, since there's no jaundice. How is Hank's liver failing but there's no jaundice? Chase and Cameron put their heads together and come up with a diagnosis that House yells at them for because it's giving them the lead over Hadley and Taub for the job that none of them actually wants. Then he sends Cameron and Foreman off to test their theory, leaving Chase behind for a marriage-ruining chat. I really don't understand why House is so determined to ruin their marriage. I saw the entire episode and I still don't know. Didn't he go to therapy to stop being an asshole? House says that Cameron didn't forgive Chase because he feels guilty -- she doesn't think he has anything to feel guilty about because she's blaming what Chase did on House. "I created the big bad evil climate that allowed it to happen," he says. Chase doesn't accept this explanation, although I don't see why not. I wouldn't want my spouse to blame me for murder. Much better to have her blame our common enemy. Chase asks House why he's trying to destroy his marriage. House says it's already destroyed, and if Chase wants to prove to Cameron that he isn't House's "personal sock puppet" then he'll stay on as a Cottage. Um, wouldn't leaving House and PPTH in the dust show that even better, though?
It looks like Hadley turned her fifty-foot-high ceiling-ed loft into a gym, which is where House finds himself , limping along on a treadmill until Hadley sidles up to him to ask him why he's there. Why do you think, Hadley? And don't pretend you don't love it. You could have just seen House across the room and left before he saw you, you know. Instead you're making conversation with him. House slides off the treadmill, ably landing on both of his legs even though one of them isn't supposed to work right and he's supposed to be off the pain pills for it. Amazing! House notes that Hadley is doing core-strengthening exercises, which he takes to mean that she's doing everything possible to keep herself Huntington's symptom-free for as long as possible, which means she understands the importance of living her life now and doing something important that will outlive her. Like, say, join his team! They do very significant things indeed. Like save porn stars at the expense of three-month-old babies. You can't do something that worthwhile at some Community Health Clinic! Hadley asks House why he can't just ask everyone to come back, then answers her own question that House is afraid of rejection. Or he's just really annoying.
Cameron talks to Hank and his wife about their latest incorrect diagnosis of sclerosing cholangitis. She says it's damaged Hank's liver to the extent that at some point in the future, he'll need a new one. And the Evil Transplant Committee isn't in the business of giving livers out to porn stars. Oh, please. They don't want to give any organs out to anybody. They want them all for themselves. Hank thinks Cameron is just trying to force him into taking a job that's more acceptable in polite society, and after what she said to him before, I don't blame him for thinking this. "Your lifestyle has risks," Cameron says. Except that he's been a happy and busy porn star for years and they just said that his medical history was perfect. Hank points out that Cameron's job exposes her to much worse than his does, and he's not going to live a life of fear like his parents, who wouldn't let him play outside for fear he'd get hurt. Well, they must feel pretty stupid now that despite their best efforts, their son's liver is failing. My parents let me play outside all the time, and my liver is just fine, thanks. The wife promises that she'll talk to Hank once he calms down, but he says he won't let other people dictate how he lives his life. Even if their dictating will help save it.
Chase and Foreman run a camera through Hank's bile ducts to look for evidence of sclerosing cholangitis. Instead of doing their jobs, though, they take a minute off to talk about House's influence over Chase and how Foreman fears it'll cost Chase his marriage. Aw, look at Foreman trying to actually be human and help two people who are sort of his friends. Chase bristles at the suggestion that House has control over him, and then they find a mass in Hank's bile duct. Foreman thinks it's a gallstone until they notice it's moving. It's worms! Gross!
Chase lets Hank and the wife know the (sort-of) good news: he has worms, not sclerosing cholangitis! The worms spread throughout his body and caused all of his symptoms, and were "most likely" introduced to him through sexual activity. So, look out, Mrs. Hank! And also all of Hank's co-stars! And their co-stars! Worms all over the New Jersey porn community! Chase hands him two pills that should make everything -- including his liver -- fine once more.
Chase heads for the doctors lounge to find Lucas sitting on the couch reading over Chase's notes. Chase grabs the charts away and asks him what his problem is. Lucas is worried about Cuddy, who he tells Chase is his girlfriend. "Seriously?" Chase says, not without a hint of admiration. Lucas says that if House doesn't get his team back then he'll make Cuddy miserable, and that will make Lucas miserable. So he's looking through the Cottages' charts for any information that could help the process. That's a ridiculous stretch, but whatever. He noticed that Chase is an extremely detailed note-taker -- at least, he was until about a month ago, when he almost stopped writing notes entirely. Chase blames it on getting backed up, but Lucas isn't buying it, especially since Chase is now leaving PPTH for mysterious reasons. He thinks Chase and Cameron are running away from something, and suggests that the best thing they can do is confront their problems, not run away from them, comparing it to when he finds himself face-to-face with a pitbull after sneaking into someone's backyard without, obviously, doing the proper research first. I think the best thing to do in that situation is not to let yourself be face-to-face with a pit bull in the first place. "Face the problem. That way it can't bite you in the ass," he says. No, it'll go right for the jugular instead. Shut up, Lucas. Why are you even here, anyway?
Oops! Hank's condition has not improved after all. In fact, it's the opposite, as he is now puking up fluid build-up in his lungs. And his liver is still failing. Cameron says the worms might have just been a coincidence, and that really, you have to expect a porn star to have worms. Foreman comes up with lymphoma, saying it explains the liver failure, and the great catch-all paraneoplastic syndrome explains the rest. That's good enough for House, who tells them to get Hank prepped for chemotherapy. Based on conjecture. Okay. He also asks them to fax Taub and Hadley the latest updates on the case, because that's not a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality or anything. "Seriously?" Cameron asks, so annoyed. She says if House isn't sure enough about the diagnosis that he needs a second opinion from Taub and Hadley then they should keep talking and not treat Hank. And if he is sure, then he should shut up, as Cameron puts it.
In the hall, Chase wants to know why Cameron is mad at House and not him. "You blame House -- not me," he says. Way to totally buy into what House was selling there, Chase. Don't you know better after six years? Cameron says she's mad at both House and Chase. Chase stops and exposits his murderous act just in case someone just happened to tune in for the first time, saw this yawn of an episode, and kept watching for some reason and thus needed to be caught up, then says that Cameron needs to accept that he killed Dibala and he'd do it again, "even if it destroys" him. Okay, but -- if he's that sure that he did the right thing, then why would it destroy him? Where are his feelings of whatever they are (I don't know what he's supposed to be feeling anymore, to be honest) coming from? I guess I don't know how I'd react if it were me in Chase's shoes, since I've never murdered a genocidal dictator. But then again... neither have this show's writers. [Presumably. - Z] So their guess is as good as mine, really. "You don't mean that," Cameron says. He interrupts her to say that he doesn't want to pretend that what he did never happened. Even though he's kind of been trying to do just that for the past few episodes. "If that's how you feel... okay," Cameron says. Again, I have no idea what she's supposed to be feeling right now. And this show has gone so far into the realm of the soapishly absurd lately that I don't think the writers do, either. And Jennifer Morrison is way too done with this show to emote, anyway.
Back home, House talks to Wilson about his stupid plan to get his Cottages back and how they want to work for him but have external reasons why they can't. He admits he's not having much luck so far and asks Wilson for advice. Wilson will be doing some psychoanalysis instead, accusing House of dealing with his disappointment about Cuddy and feelings of abandonment by reaching out to others the only way he knows how: by ruining their lives. Doesn't House have a real therapist to talk to about this stuff? Or did he stop seeing Nolan when we were all supposed to forget the whole insanity thing ever happened and the reset button got pushed on the show once again?
Foreman, Chase, and a really shaky camera hang out in Hank's room. Foreman can tell Chase is bummed out and tells him things will be much easier for him and Cameron once they're away from PPTH and House. "Yeah," Chase says, not sounding convinced. Hank suddenly groans and starts peeing blood, followed by a cardiac arrest.
Back in the meeting room, Cameron says they managed to stabilize Hank, but he is now missing red and white cells as well as most of his platelets. Um... then what's flowing through his veins right now? How is he getting any oxygen with NO red blood cells? Are his veins full of air? Anyway, it seems that the latest diagnosis was wrong, so House asks for more. He rejects a few before going with Foreman's aleukemic leukemia, ordering them to nuke Hank's bone marrow while he looks for a transplant match. Um... you might want to find the match before you get rid of the marrow, hmm? Also, why would the Evil Transplant Committee say yes to giving porn star Hank bone marrow but not a new liver? Cameron and Chase have other issues, however -- most importantly, that Foreman's diagnosis isn't consistent with Hank's earlier results and destroying his bone marrow on such slim evidence is insane. Foreman agrees with them, but House just tells them that if they don't like it, they can suggest something else. No one has any more ideas, so House tells them to proceed with killing Hank while he updates Taub and Hadley on the case via fax.
Taub gets the fax from the amazing whisper-quiet fax machine in his office and throws it away without even looking at it. I'm sure his patient really appreciates seeing that his doctor pays such close attention to detail.
Hadley's fax machine is set up on a thin shelf so that when she gets a fax, it drops to the floor. How stupid.
Cuddy finds House outside the Clinic getting ready to leave work at the early hour of 11 am. Foreman already tattled to her about House's marrow destruction order, and she wants to know what his problem is, and if he's killing his patient because she's dating Lucas. WOW, Cuddy sure is self-absorbed! Having two men after her has really gone to her head. House just leaves, totally undermining Cuddy's authority on his way out the door.
Guess who else isn't at work? Chase, who's sitting on House's front steps waiting for him to say he wants back on the team. After all that, he isn't guaranteed a spot. House says he has four candidates and three openings.
We have some time to fill, so let's show Hank being wheeled to the marrow-zapping chamber in dramatic slow-motion with added bonus upside-down camera trickery!
Okay, that's enough. Hadley gets a call from the Community Health Clinic that shows the people working there are either desperate, poor judges of character, or both, because they "loved meeting" Hadley and want to offer her the job. Instead of calling them back to accept, however, Hadley's eyes drift over to her fax machine and the fax from PPTH that fell on the floor but then somehow floated back up on the shelf where it can be seen clearly. Something else that can be seen clearly is a book called Disease Free at 60 Plus. Way to be optimistic, Hadley! I think if I had a terminal disease that pretty much ensured I'd never see my sixties I'd buy books like Old Age Sucks! Why Dying Young is Awesome or Oh No, Osteoperosis! or perhaps I Drive Slowly and Badly, Can't Hear Anything, Have to Buy Adult Diapers, and Don't Understand Current Technology: There is No Such Thing as Aging Gracefully. But that's just me. And I won't have to deal with any of those age-related problems because I totally bought Disease Free At 60 Plus so I'm going to be in tip-top condition when the time comes. I'll have to, since retirement won't be an option what with Social Security being as non-existent as my retirement savings. Anyway, Hadley reads over the fax.
And over at the plastic surgery office, Taub has to listen to some woman with too many years and too much money yammer on about how she should get rid of her crow's feet until he tells her to sit tight and searches through his garbage for the fax.
House is in the marrow-zapping booth with Foreman, Chase, and Cameron as Hank gets ready to die. House says he thinks they're wrong about this just as his phone rings. It's Taub and Hadley conference-calling in with their diagnosis. Yes, they put their heads together and realized that Foreman's diagnosis is wrong, which isn't that impressive considering the fact that everyone including House has already admitted as much. But wait there's more! Hadley and Taub saw that Hank's condition declined rapidly AFTER they treated him for the worms, which makes them think that those worms were actually helping him. Even though he wasn't feeling so hot when he had the worms in the first place. And also, they are worms. Worms inside your garden are helpful. Worms inside your body are HORRIBLE. Taub and Hadley go on to explain that Hank has extraintestinal Crohn's disease, which he developed as a result of being raised in his overprotective parents' sterile environment. Basically, some scientists really liked Chris Rock's standup act where he talked about how starving people in Africa aren't allergic to food like spoiled fat Americans are and came up with a hypothesis based on it: people in the developed world suffer from much higher incidences of autoimmune disorders than people in the developing world because our immune systems get bored and self-destructive. So the worms actually gave Hank's immune system something to do for a while, thus keeping his Crohn's disease at bay. But when they killed the worms, his autoimmune system came back with a vengeance. They'll give him steroids and a glass o'worms and he'll be just fine.
Taub walks into House's office and finds him watching more of Hank's greatest hits. Gosh, I can't imagine why House had such trouble convincing people to work for him. Taub's face tells House to turn the TV off before Taub will speak, so he does. Taub admits that he wants to be back on the team, even though his wife was beyond pissed that he made the decision to go back to working long hours and making no money. That woman has suffered enough, I think. Divorce! House is almost nice as he says that Taub coming back to PPTH actually does prove that he loves his wife because he gets the rush from working for House that he used to get from cheating on her. "Better to cheat with a beaker and an MRI," House says. Um, maybe not. Is it an MRI (of DOOOM!!)? Because that is not a fun time for anyone. "I'll let you know," House says. Taub turns around, and we se that Hadley is at House's door, presumably for the same reason. Sorry, Community Health Clinic! You got Hadley'd!
And what about Cameron? Well, Chase finally tells her that he wants to work for House after all. She's not happy about this, but Chase tells her that she should come back on the team with him since she was always more into the diagnostics thing than he was. Or she could stay off the team and then Chase will somehow know that House was right. Or something. I don't know.
Cameron marches into House's office. "Four for four," he comments to himself, quite smug. Oh, but wait -- Cameron isn't here to beg her way onto his team. She's here to make embarrassing personal confessions about how she was once in love with House and thought she could heal him, but now she knows that that's impossible and he's not worth the effort anyway, since he almost let Hank die just to twist his Cottages' arms into coming back. He knew the extraintestinal Crohn's diagnosis all along (or at least he knew it before ordering that they kill off all of Hank's marrow) but let Hank suffer and almost die just to prove a point. Cameron calls that "playing God" and says that House instilled that idea in Chase, and that's why he thought he had the right to kill Dibala. Um, and also why Cameron thought she had the right to kill Joel Grey, right? House shrugs that he'd rather save lives than concentrate on his patients' humanity. "Lives can't come second," Cameron says. House says they don't -- "the patient is alive. That's what matters," he says. "Not to you," Cameron replies. Hank's survival and diagnosis was secondary to House getting Taub and Hadley to play his games and come back on his team, where he's sure to "poison" them like he did Chase. Way to give House way too much credit, there, Cameron. Although it's not like any of this is really in line with your character or her history, anyway. It's just a clumsy way to write her off the show because they fired Jennifer Morrison for some reason. "You ruined [Chase]," Cameron says; "so he can't even see right from wrong." Um, okay, but... Chase worked for House for years BEFORE Cameron began a romantic relationship with him, so it's not like he changed. "I loved you and I loved Chase. I'm sorry for you both," she says, sort of starting to cry; "for what you've become, because there's no way back for either of you." Yes, it must be tough to not be perfect people in Cameron's mind. Or to live long enough that your marriage hits its first rough patch and she has no concept of how to get through it because the way she dealt with this stuff during her first marriage was to just wait for her husband to die. She sniffles and offers a hand for House to shake. He doesn't accept it. So she kisses him on the cheek. She is sending mixed signals. House seems like he might be disturbed by the things she's saying but doesn't respond. Cameron walks out of his office in dramatic slow motion. House grabs his cane and follows her, but he has that limp that slows him down and she has the speed of her righteous indignation that carries her far, far away.
House heads for Wilson's office to brag about how he got his sanity, medical license, and Cottages back. "You're kidding! All of them?" Wilson asks. "Three out of four," House is forced to admit. Wilson seems even more surprised that Cameron was the only holdout. "You were right, House. Good for you," Wilson sighs. "Yeah. It is," House says. No one seems overjoyed at the way things turned out, though. On his way out the door, he tells Wilson that Cameron is ending her marriage and leaving PPTH. Wilson looks confused, possibly wondering why they bothered to have Cameron and Chase get married in the first place if they were just going to break up like four months later or if this was really the best way to get Cameron off the show and Chase back on House's team. Or if they really should have had Chase leave House's team in the first place back at the end of Season 3 if it wasn't going to be permanent because for him to go from being a surgeon back to a lowly fellow makes no sense.
Music montage! Hadley gives Hank a glass of worms to drink while staring at Foreman across the room. Taub's wife is not thrilled with his decision to go back to PPTH. And Cameron moves out. She hugs Chase on her way out the door, but he doesn't really hug her back.
And Lucas and Cuddy leave PPTH arm-in-arm while House watches them from the second floor balcony. Really, though? An original cast member up and leaves the show after six years and she doesn't even get to be the last shot of the episode? Who did Jennifer Morrison piss off to for it to end like this?
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.