By Sara M
A sick man named Jason is so desperate for a diagnosis that he takes House, Hadley, and several Clinic patients hostage in Cuddy's office to get it. House's early attempt to shoot Jason up with a sedative goes wrong when he orders one of the hostages to take a dose first and the guy passes out. To show that he's serious, Jason shoots another hostage in the leg. That means any and all future medications must be legit. And just in case they aren't, Hadley volunteers herself as the medicine tester, much to everyone's annoyance. Including Jason, who thinks she's a crazy risk-taker.
Non-hostage Cottages, old and new, get together to form a super diagnostic team for all of three seconds before Chase gets angry and leaves, never to be seen again this episode. Several diagnoses are tested, with the only result being that Hadley's eyes get darker circles underneath them with each medication she's forced to take. Soon they come upon a diagnosis that they need actual machinery to prove, so they have to move the party to radiology. But they can't get the X-ray they need if Jason has the gun in his hand. He gives it up, and the rest of the hostages take off except for House, Hadley, and one Clinic patient who shares Hadley's death wish. But when the X-ray doesn't show the tumor House was expecting and Jason still doesn't have his diagnosis, House is so obsessed with getting the right answer that he gives the gun back to Jason, which pisses everyone off.
Then Hadley's kidneys start to fail because of all the medications she's been testing for Jason. That helps House and the Cottages who haven't quit in disgust at his actions come up with the real diagnosis -- a tropical disease that was initially ruled out when Jason said he hadn't been anywhere tropical. He didn't realize that Florida counts as tropical. Jason trades House's freedom for a dose of the necessary medication, but then insists that Hadley take it first, even though it will kill her in her current condition. House seems to feel bad about this, since his obsession will have caused Hadley to die. And he should. In the end, though, she can't inject herself with the deadly drug, and she realizes that she doesn't want to die after all. Jason hasn't seen any episodes of this show before, so he also doesn't want Hadley to die. He injects himself with the drug just as the SWAT team is blowing a hole in the radiology department. The medicine works, and Jason will be perfectly healthy for the long jail sentence that awaits him. Hadley will be fine after a round of dialysis and now she has a sunny new outlook on life, so she signs up for Foreman's Huntington's drug trials. And I have to give her props for doing her best acting job thus far and almost causing me not to want her to die … almost.
I won't lie: I've been dreading this episode. Seven extra minutes to recap? Yet another Hadley-centric episode, this time where she's in Deadly Danger? The tired hostage situation plot that's been used countless times on television and that I hoped this show was innovative enough to avoid? No, things weren't looking good. But I'll try my very best not to be bitter.
Some music that kind of sounds like "Popular" by Nada Surf plays as we watch another day begin at PPTH. Apparently, the cafeteria ran out of coffee, because people are looking very sluggish. Oh wait -- it's in slow motion. Various Clinic patients hang out in chairs and wait to be seen. We go into regular speed, and one of them, a large man wearing a cap, walks up to Hadley and says he's been waiting for an hour for a simple refill on his migraine medicine. "We'll get to you as soon as we can," Hadley says. "You can get to me now!" the man yells back. If he had a real migraine, I don't think he'd be yelling. Or running after her, still begging for help. "You're not an emergency," Hadley says. "This isn't an emergency room!" Migraine Man points out. No doubt he stopped by PPTH's ER first thing and saw some young blonde woman running around and decided to take his chances in the Clinic instead. His attitude doesn't win him any points with Hadley, who says things won't go any faster for him if he pisses her off. Maybe he wouldn't piss you off if you hadn't been so mean and uncaring to him in the first place, Hadley.
Foreman's been watching from the sidelines, and he steps up to ask Hadley if she has a minute to talk to him. "No!" Hadley says. What crawled up her ass today? Besides more Huntington's, of course. She passes up a file on a patient who needs a "routine exam" for something more interesting, and I don't think it's fair that she's not going in order on the patients, but in what catches her fancy. After all, like Migraine Man said, it's not an emergency room. PPTH sucks. Foreman persists despite her rejection, saying he's consulting on a clinical trial for a new Huntington's drug. "While it's true that no sometimes means yes, in this context ... " Hadley says, trailing off. When does no mean yes, Hadley? When you're forcing yourself on another innocent victim of your nightly prowls? Foreman ignores her and says that the Huntington's drug is showing "real results," which is terrible news for people who don't like Hadley. He offers to try to get Hadley into the trial, but she turns him down. She's not even going to try to deal with the disease she has or do anything that might slow down its progress. This, of course, is great news.
Foreman frowns and walks away, past another Clinic patient. The patient looks over at Cuddy's office and notices House inside, fooling around with her desk. He walks in and asks House where Dr. Cuddy is. House responds that she's either not in the office or she's under the desk, presumably servicing him. Either way, House says, the guy's going to have to wait outside. The man quickly decides that Cuddy is too good for House and asks if House knows when she'll be back. "Yes. Which is why I need you to leave me alone," he non-answers, still focused on Cuddy's desk. Is he looking for her diary to see if she's writing about him in there or something? The man leaves. He walks back out to the Clinic and we know something really big is about to happen because the camera starts circling around him slowly as he pulls out a gun.
And then there's a stream of people heading into Cuddy's office, led -- of course -- by Hadley. House isn't pleased to see any of them, and even less pleased when he sees that they've been led in there at gunpoint. House starts to ask the guy what's up, only to be told to shut up. "I'm sick and I want to know why!" the man says; "I want the best doctor in this hospital here, NOW!" Hadley looks at House, who simply says: "what seems to be the problem?" looking friendly and unbothered even though he's been shot before and you'd think this would at least cause him to have some upsetting flashbacks. Then again, you'd also think that PPTH would have learned its lesson when it comes to allowing gun-toting maniacs to walk into their facilities and threaten their patients and staff, and they clearly didn't.
After the credits, the hostage taker, named Jason, orders everyone to barricade themselves in the room by putting pieces of furniture in front of various doors. One of the hostages, a patient who looks like he belongs in a GEICO commercial, tells Jason he doesn't have to point the gun at them because they'll do whatever he asks. "No, we're not," House says. For this, Jason points the gun at him. Once again, even though he's been shot before, House doesn't even flinch. Whatever. "House ... " Hadley says warningly. But House just wanted to point out that the door Jason is currently ordering to have blocked off is Cuddy's personal bathroom, and he might want to keep that easily accessible in case any of the sick people he took hostage need it. Since when did Cuddy's office have a bathroom? And why? For the cost of that bathroom, she probably could have put in some much-needed metal detectors at the entrances. Jason ignores House and orders the bathroom door blocked off anyway, then he shoves his thick stack of medical files in House's face. Again, House is not even the least bit frightened of the man with a gun and makes fun of him, saying he should have watched the end of Dog Day Afternoon before coming up with this plan. Jason ignores him and says he's been to sixteen doctors in the last two years and had all kinds of tests and body scans done, but still there's no answer for what's wrong with him and why he can't breathe, has rashes and heart palpitations, and is tired all the time. He also says he can't sleep, so I'm thinking that might have something to do with the fatigue. House walks up to the man with the gun and taunts him again, saying it could be something minor, especially compared to the life-long jail sentence he's sure to get for this. "Shut up and do your job," Jason says, shoving the files in House's arms and tossing his cane away. If only House had gotten the cane that conceals a sword, he would have saved the day by now.
Meanwhile, after bitterly failing in their first duty of keeping the hospital safe for everyone, the PPTH crack security team sort of helps people evacuate the premises as Cuddy walks in. Fire them all on the spot, Cuddy. This is ridiculous. They're making a mockery of you. How many more crazed gunmen, Cuddy? HOW MANY MORE?
House has decided not to bother looking at Jason's files. Instead, he's listening to his lungs with a stethoscope, although I don't know how he can hear anything over the noise of his continued taunts at the armed man. The Neanderthal guy speaks up to announce that his pregnant wife feels nauseous, but no one pays much attention to them. Gun > possible barf. Unless, of course, the pregnant lady can some barf bullets. But I doubt it. A phone rings, and Jason picks it up only to slam it back down. "If you ask me, keeping an open line of communication is the best way to resolve conflict," House says. Not like he's ever been asked, or actually tried this technique himself. House asks Jason to describe his breathing problems followed by whatever personal problems led him to become desperate enough to do something like this. Surely, Jason's wife left him because he was sick? "I've never been married," Jason says. House is surprised to be wrong. He asks Jason for a match to do some test. Jason doesn't have one, but Hadley thinks she'll find a lighter in Cuddy's desk. Yeah, because maybe Cuddy lights up fat doobies in her private bathroom. Please. We'll never know, since House brusquely orders Hadley to stay out of Cuddy's desk, saying she doesn't smoke. I guess when he's the one going through Cuddy's private stuff, it's okay. But when it's Hadley, it's wrong. House thinks they can get the lighter they need from the guy with the nicotine stains on his teeth that House can somehow see from across the room in dim lighting, but the guy says he doesn't smoke before calling House a jerk. He then makes a mental vow to himself to buy some Crest whitestrips if he survives this.
With that, some kid reaches for his bag and Jason jumps up from his chair and points his gun at him. House tells him to calm down; it's not like two people snuck weapons into the Clinic today. Well, why not? PPTH has consistently proven itself to be the place to go when you want to shoot someone you're angry at and not get caught. The kid says he was reaching for a lighter. He hands it to Jason. House tells him to hold it as far away from his body as he can and try to blow it out. Jason can't, because his breath is mad weak. With that, House diagnoses him with pulmonary scleroderma and says treatment with an alkylating agent is all Jason needs. And he can look forward to getting that treatment in jail. I'd love it if that was the actual diagnosis and the hostage situation ended and the rest of the episode was devoted to an entirely different case, but I doubt it.
The phone rings again. This time, Jason lets House answer it. It's Cuddy, calling from the reception desk and surrounded by PPTH security guards. I hope it's because she called them all together to fire them as a group. Jason puts the phone on speaker as House says he needs some Propofol to prove his diagnosis. Jason will get his answer, and everyone will get to go home. Except for Jason, who will go to jail. Only if PPTH security catches him! And they won't. House tells Cuddy to have one of the guards actually be of some use and bring the drug in, but Jason says no guards, hilariously thinking they represent some sort of threat to him. Mr. Yellowteeth quickly volunteers to go out and get it, but no one is falling for that. Jason sees a picture of Cuddy on her bookcase (apparently, Cuddy decorates her office with pictures of herself ... someone's self-absorbed!) so he knows what she looks like, and says he wants her to bring the drug. House doesn't seem at all concerned for Cuddy's well-being, and just says that Jason should insist that Cuddy come shirtless to prove she doesn't have any concealed weapons.
So they wait for Cuddy to arrive. Jason has decided to hold the only other PPTH employee, a Clinic nurse, at gunpoint. She whimpers. Too bad they fired Evil Nurse Brenda for "extreme insubordination" and "threatening patients with scalpels" and "kicking an overly demanding doctors in the balls" two seasons ago -- can you imagine what this episode would have been like if she was taken hostage instead? For one thing, it wouldn't have gone into seven minutes of overtime, as Evil Nurse Brenda would have burned twin holes into Jason's chest with her laser eyebeams as soon as he pulled out that gun. Cuddy arrives with the drug. House goes out to greet her, and she sees the nurse being held at gunpoint behind him. "Oh god, House!" she says, very worried for the safety of her employees, patients, and office. Not worried enough to stop armed men from entering her hospital in the first place, but still. She says something about waiting for the SWAT team to get here, but House shushes her and returns to the office, giving Cuddy one last look before closing the door.
Inside, he prepares the drug. He's about to inject the syringe into Jason's arm when Jason insists that he gives it to someone else first to make sure they aren't trying to shoot him up with poison or knock-out drugs instead of treatment. Clearly, Jason watched the same episode of Night Court that I did, when they were taken hostage for the 1,646th time and the hostage taker asked for some hamburgers and made Dan eat one first to make sure they weren't laced with anything. They were, and there were many laughs to be had as Dan got all dopey under the influence. House says he can't give the drug to the hostages, since they're all sick Clinic patients with poor immune systems. Jason points out Migraine Man, saying he's not sick or on any medicine that could interact with the Propofol, thanks to Hadley's refusal to treat the guy. "Aw, come on, man," Migraine Man says; "don't take it out on us. You got a problem with doctors? Take it out on doctors. Give it to her." He points at Hadley. Ha! I'll bet Hadley thinks twice now before being a bitch to her Clinic patients and lording her power over them. Migraine Man is the Hero of the Day!
House says Hadley is also sick, so she can't take the drug. Migraine Man, on the other hand, is "a very large creep." True, but I don't like Hadley so, again, I think he's a Hero! With that, House shoots the guy up. Nothing happens, so he quickly prepares the syringe for Jason, who'd better hope that Migraine Man doesn't have a disease that can be spread by sharing IV needles. Although I guess that doesn't really matter in the end, since just as House is about to inject Jason with the drug, Migraine Man keels over, taking out like three of Cuddy's lamps on his way down. House doesn't look very surprised at this development. Jason jumps up and points his gun at House, who, again, doesn't flinch. I really do think that we're supposed to pretend that episode where he got shot didn't happen. It didn't happen, and House didn't regain the use of his leg back for like two episodes, and Cuddy didn't put money into beefing up the security team. None of it happened. House says he thought he had more time, considering Migraine Man's size. But no, Migraine Man is a lightweight when it comes to injections of powerful sedatives and clever ploys. Jason cocks his gun and aims it at House, who takes a step back and actually does look alarmed this time, although he says Jason won't shoot him, because he needs him. Jason has to admit that House has a point, and he aims his gun at Mr. Yellowteeth instead, who crouches down and goes "whoa whoa whoa!" which is a more realistic reaction when a gun is suddenly pointed at you than, say, a sarcastic remark. "He didn't do anything!" House says, clearly not getting how crazy hostage takers work. "I need you to know you can't screw with me," Jason says. And then he shoots Mr. Yellowteeth in the leg. See, House? You just got one of the hostages shot, and it wasn't Hadley. Shame on you. Mr. Yellowteeth sinks to the ground and screams in pain, but he's still alive. The phone rings. "It's for you," House says, still thinking that being snarky with the crazed gunman is a good idea.
After the break, Hadley is treating Mr. Yellowteeth's gunshot wound (I guess this qualified for her high standards of interesting cases to treat) while the phone keeps ringing. If I were House, I'd shoot myself up with the knockout drug. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, and Jason would have to find another doctor.
In the lobby, Cuddy is still calling in when the SWAT team captain arrives. She tells him they heard a gunshot, and now no one's answering the phone. Lt. Bowman hangs up the phone and tells his men to "secure the perimeter." Cuddy doesn't like the sound of that. Lt. Bowman asks if a husband or loved one is one of the hostages, which is kind of a random question. "Uh ... no," Cuddy says, totally lying. Please. It's obvious to the SWAT team guy, and he's only known Cuddy for two seconds.
Meanwhile, a random PPTH hallway has been set up to treat the evacuated patients, and Taub, Kumar, Chase, and Cameron are treating away. Taub says House is going to get everyone killed. Kumar the Positive says that if Jason wants a diagnosis, then he's in there with the right doctor. Cameron reminds Kumar that House may be a brilliant diagnostician, but he also can't stop himself from pushing people's buttons, which isn't a good thing when the buttons you're pushing belong to a man with a gun. With that, they all get paged.
House answers his cell phone. Foreman, Cameron, Chase, Taub, and Kumar are all gathered around the meeting room phone. Hooray! This is excellent! The old Cottages are back! Oh, wait. Chase immediately decides that it isn't fair that a guy who threatens violence gets a bunch of doctors waiting on him hand and foot, and takes off. We won't see him anymore this episode. Why? Why can't they all work as a team? Just this once! I know it's completely in character for Chase to do this, but it still sucks. The differential, sans Chase, begins. Cancer, a neurological condition, lung infections, and a heart defect are suggested. House writes them all on Cuddy's wall-cum-Whiteboard. Nurse LookslikecarlafromScrubs announces that Migraine Man is going into shock, but no one cares. At least his migraine feels better. Meanwhile, the Kid criticizes House for having to write only four things down to remember them, like, what's up with his attitude? House tells Foreman to test Jason's blood and Cameron to look over his many medical files. Taub and Kumar will go to Jason's apartment, the address of which he gives readily. House says if Jason is giving them his address, then he must have no intention of going back there and thus, an "end game." Hope it's not the game of Murder Suicide!
Lt. Bowman calls in. House tells them that one hostage has a gunshot wound to the leg and another is unconscious. In the middle of getting his blood drawn, Jason jumps up and hangs up the phone. He hears something outside and tells the other, non-pregnant female patient hostage (who I totally recognize from her unfortunate stint as Rose on 7th Heaven) to open the blinds. "Why me?" she whines instead of doing what she's told. Then she throws up, which means the entire office is going to smell like sick barf now. Rose is now the second least popular person in the room. Hadley Takes Control and opens the blinds instead, and lo and behold, there are SWAT team snipers hanging out outside and sticking a mic on the window. Well, duh, Jason. What did you expect? He yells at them to back off or he'll kill Hadley. Yes! Now is your chance, SWAT team! Be heroes and rid us all of Hadley! But no, they back off.
Meanwhile, House thinks Jason's super-hearing that heard the men outside when no one else in the room did (I have a feeling their minds were sort of elsewhere, though) is a symptom. And that symptom makes the neurological diagnosis the best one on the list. House and Hadley watch as Jason puffs out his cheeks and gives them nice, big "mugshot smile," which is noticeably weaker on the left side than the right. It's also a creepy smile. I don't recommend that Jason use it for his mugshot. House diagnoses Jason with postherpetic neuralgia. Jason's super-hearing picks up on the "herpetic" part of the name and gets all offended that they think he has herpes, like that's his biggest problem right now. He wants proof of the diagnosis, but since House never actually proves his diagnoses before treating them, he can only come up with one test that he describes as "dangerous and painful," whereas the treatment is "safe and painless." Unless you hit your head on Cuddy's desk when you pass out. Jason's not falling for that one again! House says he'll order the test, which only hurts if the result is negative. If House is so sure that Jason has it, then why is he saying the test is painful?
Lt. Bowman calls back. House orders 200 mgs of Capsaicin, which is the thing in hot peppers that makes them hot. I learned this when I got into watching Youtube videos of people downing shots of the hottest hot sauces on the planet and their subsequent suffering. This test will not be pleasant. Jason wants two syringes this time, and says they'll exchange the test drug for Jason's blood and medical records. Bowman wants more, though. He says he'll only bring something in if Jason lets a hostage go. But the holiday season is upon us and Jason's feeling generous: "you can have two." But Cuddy has to be the one to bring it, he demands, which causes House to shake his head. Is it because he loves her and doesn't want her to be in harm's way? No, it's because Bowman refuses to put Cuddy in danger and House thinks Bowman should let Cuddy go before Jason shoots another hostage. Bowman is more worried about Cuddy than House is, and say he'll have to think about it. This time, Bowman hangs up first.
Bowman tells Cuddy that Jason wants her to do all the transfers. "Okay," Cuddy says immediately. Bowman thinks she should be responding with a "no way" and "it's not my job," because he apparently has confused Cuddy with Chase. He suspects that she has a "conflict of interest," which means he can't trust her. How about the fact that this is Cuddy's hospital and those are her patients and employees in her office? And it was her decision not to step up the PPTH security team, thereby causing this to happen in the first place? That's enough reason for her to volunteer herself to play delivery girl, I think.
Cuddy will be performing the transfer in slow motion to a funky beat. She brings in a wheelchair. Mr. Yellowteeth is placed in it while Migraine Man stumbles around. House gives her the files and the blood, and she gives him the Capsaicin. They exchange what may or may not be a meaningful look.
Now it's time to find a guinea pig to test the Capsaicin. House asks if anyone has neuralgia, but no one does. The kid asks how bad it will hurt, and House accuses him of trying to be a hero. Kid says he gets beaten up a lot, so he's good with pain. We will never learn why he gets beaten up a lot, but it probably has to do with the attitude he showed when House wrote four diagnoses on the wall. Nurse NotCarla thinks the Kid is too young, and points out that the Capsaicin could cause muscle damage. At this, House puts his finger on his nose. The others follow suit, although a rousing game of "not it!" would have also be funny. Oops! The Neanderthal wasn't paying attention, so he gets the test. Or does he? Because guess who volunteers herself instead? That's right -- Hadley. She's willing to endure the pain for the extra camera time.
Hadley's self-serving self-sacrifice earns her an earful from House as he prepares her for the injection in the small of her back. He accuses her of taking risks with her health beyond drugged-up sex with hot girls. "They're patients. I'm a doctor," Hadley says. Yeah, that didn't seem to matter when the patient was a one night stand you accused of faking her symptoms or a man in desperate need of a simple refill on his migraine medicine. House says she has a "degenerative drug unfriendly illness," although I'm not sure if he means that the illness is unfriendly to degenerative drugs or if it's a degenerative illness that's unfriendly to drugs in general or if it's a degenerative drug illness and Hadley is unfriendly. "Everything's not some fascinating character flaw," Hadley says. Too true. This, for example, is a character flaw that's very boring. With that, Hadley feels the effects of Capsaicin and whines in pain. House's sympathetic response? "I woulda bet money you had herpes."
With that, he turns to Jason with his syringe and tries once again to figure out what pushed Jason over the edge. This time, he guesses that Jason's illness caused him to get fired. Jason says he just wants his answer without saying why. Then the pain he feels from the Capsaicin indicates that his illness is still undiagnosed.
Kumar and Taub enter Jason's apartment. Kumar notes several thousand dollars worth of unpaid medical bills on Jason's desk. Taub says he has debt too, but he isn't taking hostages for it. Why does Taub have debt? Isn't he kind of rich? Perhaps he's just really bad with money, as evidenced by how he didn't notice when his wife squirreled away $85,000 in a secret bank account. Kumar says it's not an excuse for Jason's actions, but in America there are millions of people in debt like this, so the chances that at least one of them will try something like this is high. Way to watch John Q, Kumar. Meanwhile, Taub checks out a picture of Jason's hot mom.
Foreman finishes up the lab test on Jason's white blood cell count. It's normal, which rules out infection. Except for those episodes where it doesn't.
Kumar reports in that Jason's mother has a "droopy eye, fat face, thick neck." Cameron says those are classic signs of a brain tumor. House says it's also a classic sign that Jason's mom is ugly. House says things like this because he apparently wants to get shot. Hadley weakly contributes that Jason's got a heart problem, pointing out a distended jugular vein in his neck. House is able to check Jason's pulse in two seconds and reports that it's racing. Nurse NotCarla says they need defibrillator paddles. "Or we could just do nothing," Neanderthal says, clearly not meaning to say that out loud. Jason says he's getting weaker and will start shooting. Not if you're too weak to pull the trigger, you won't! In fact, right now would be a great time for House or someone to tackle him and take the gun away and end this. While everyone outside listens in on their phones, House gives Jason a carotid massage to try to slow down his heart rate. Jason demands the paddles, but House points out that if Jason's holding onto his gun when he gets shocked, then his muscles will contract and he'll pull the trigger. Jason doesn't really care and orders the paddles to be brought in or he'll shoot House. House doubts it, saying Jason won't shoot him because he needs him. Right, House. He'll shoot someone else instead. Remember ten minutes ago? Neanderthal, of course, feels the need to state that they should just let Jason die. Now Jason's aiming the gun at him. Anytime someone wants to jump Jason, who's having, like, a heart attack or whatever, that would be nice.
But no. Instead, Hadley suggests treating the racing heart with drugs. She volunteers to get them, but Jason doesn't want anyone to leave the room. House tells him to just shoot someone else if Hadley doesn't come back. The hostages all glare at House, who is now the third least popular person in the room. Jason picks the Kid to shoot. He gives Hadley thirty seconds to get the drug and come back. Hadley tries to figure out if she can squeeze a trip to the bar in that amount of time, and runs off. Why can't they just have Cuddy bring the drug in like before? Why must Hadley do everything?
Hadley runs up to a nearby medicine cabinet and fetches the drug. Some SWAT officers slide into frame in the background and tell her to come with them.
Inside the office, House bets that Hadley is going to take off for good. Nurse NotCarla thinks she'll come back, because Nurse NotCarla knows that Hadley must have more camera time than all other Cottages, Cuddy, and Wilson combined. Where is Wilson, by the way? Shouldn't he be, like, concerned? House says Hadley should leave, even if it means the death of another hostage, because her life is more important to her than anyone else's. Um ... has House been paying attention to Hadley lately? "If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, then sign your donor card and kill yourself," House says. Just make sure you do it in a way that will lead to brain death and not affect your internal organs. That means no drug overdoses, ladies!
Anyway, time's up for Hadley to return. Jason lowers his gun at the Kid, but then Nurse NotCarla jumps up and volunteers to be shot instead. And you know she only did that just to prove something to House. Her life is less important than showing House he's wrong. When Jason aims the gun at Nurse NotCarla, though, she's not quite so willing, and begs Jason to give Hadley more time. And then the crisis is averted when Hadley returns. Way to cut it close and get the nurse all upset, Hadley. The nurse is like the only character on this show so far who isn't an asshole. She deserves better!
House readies the syringe, but once again, Jason insists that Hadley take it first. House says that will slow her heart down, and since her heart isn't beating fast like Jason's, that will be bad for her. Hadley immediately rolls up her sleeve. She might want to jog in place and do some cardio first, just to get her heart rate up, maybe? Jason says Hadley now has to take everything he does, to make sure the drug won't kill him and also that it won't react with another drug he's taken. Also so that we, the audience, will worry if she'll be okay. Rest assured, I will not worry. Hadley shoots herself up before House can argue. Then she collapses. But she doesn't die. Instead, House reports that "the martyr's heart is beating dangerously slow." Hey, don't martyrs usually end up dying? Here's hoping! Jason gets his Adenosine and his heart rate immediately goes back to normal. Meanwhile, the hostages are all watching this unfold like, "we're probably lucky that we got taken hostage before we were treated by one of the quacks at this land of crazy. time, it's St. Sebastian's. I hear their clinic gives out free lollipops." House notices that Jason is sweating -- on only one side of his face. He says there must be a tumor pressing on Jason's sympathetic nerves. House doesn't have to worry about that happening to him, as he has no sympathetic nerves. "You have lung cancer," House says. Except that he's been wrong with every diagnosis thus far so I hope Jason's not too worried this time.
Back from break, Nurse NotCarla reports that Hadley's pulse is slow. Good. Hopefully she'll stay passed out on the couch. House calls Hadley stupid and tells Kid and Nurse NotCarla to walk Hadley around the office to get her heart rate back up. "I need proof it's cancer," Jason says. "Of course you do!" House says, irritated both at the situation and that he's being forced to actually prove his diagnoses to his patient before treating them.
Cancer means a call to Wilson, who's tending to one of the evacuated patients and not looking worried about his best friend at all. He doesn't get a chance to say hello before House says he thinks Jason has a some kind of tumor in his lung that's pressing against some nerves and causing Jason's neurological symptoms. "Is everything okay in there?" Wilson says, finally pretending to care. House cares not for his friend's worry and tells him to get to helping him diagnose. Wilson tells House to check Jason's throat. House does this by ordering Jason to spit on the floor. Jason tries, but his mouth is dry. House reports that back to Wilson, who tells him to check if Jason's parotid glands are swollen. That will mean Jason has a Pancoast tumor and it's metastasized. Sure enough, it is. House hangs up on Wilson without even saying good-bye. But Jason wants more proof. House says that's impossible, since he left his CT scanner in his other pants. Jason won't be phased by that, though. He says he'll just have to give up some hostages in exchange for a trip to radiology. Hasn't he already had three full body CT scans from his other doctor visits, though? If they didn't find anything then, why would they suddenly find something now?
It's ladies' night at the hostage release center, as Rose and the pregnant woman are released. This leaves the rest of the group to tie themselves up in a circle, with Jason in the center. They then have to move as a group to the elevator, and they all look silly. I'm not sure why a sniper isn't camped out on the lobby balcony to shoot one round into Jason's completely exposed head. While the group waits for an elevator, House again tries to figure out what made Jason snap. Jason tells him to shut up. Twice. Hadley rolls her eyes, although I'm not sure if that's because of House or because she's dying. I bet y'all know which one I'm hoping for!
The elevator trip doesn't give Jason a break from House, though, as House keeps right on guessing. Now he thinks that Jason hates doctors after having bad experiences with sixteen of them while trying to get his diagnosis. "I just want an answer. That's all," Jason says. A piano plays the group out of the elevator and into radiology. Jason lies down on the bed and Hadley starts up the CT scanner. Jason slides in, the gun still in his hand and trained on his hostages. But he's lying down, in a tube, and weak. I don't know why they aren't running for it. They could totally reach the door and be out of there before Jason got a shot off. Nor do I understand why House didn't insist that Jason get an MRI (of DOOOM!!) instead of a CT scan. Do you know what that thing would have done to Jason? Forget ass bleeds -- it would have turned him inside out! At the very least, it would have ripped the gun out of Jason's hand and everyone would have been free. Yet another missed opportunity.
Jason doesn't get to relax in the CT scanner, as House continues to press for the reason why he went to such extreme measures. He refuses to believe it was just simple curiosity. "You never did anything just because you had to know?" Jason asks. House counters that he never shot anyone. He has inflicted pain on others, though, hasn't he? It's not much different. Jason says that this is his body and his life, and "there's a truth out there." Oh, I see the problem -- he's an X-Files fan and despondent that the movie sequel did so poorly at the box office. Jason says he'd rather go to jail and know what's wrong with him than be free and not know. Yeah, well, wait until you spend a little bit of time in jail, Jason. Then we'll see how you feel.
The CT scan is done. Jason slides out of the machine. House hurriedly writes something down on a piece of paper and gives it to Kid to hold. Then he shows the CT scan to Hadley and asks her what she sees. The metal from Jason's gun has caused a starburst pattern, thus concealing the image. Hadley identifies it, and the Kid turns the paper around to show that House wrote down the same thing, thereby proving that it's legit, since the chances that both Hadley and House would come up with the same word as a lie to get Jason to give up the gun are almost zero. Unless, of course, House cleverly sent Hadley subliminal messages by saying things like "I sure could go for some small square candies that are chewy and taste like fruit!" or "the Juice is loose!" or a simple "wild cherry rules, lemon drools!" House tells Jason the only way he's getting his answer is if he gives House his gun. Alternately, House says, Jason can shoot him. Not sure why he proposed that second option, and House looks surprised when Jason aims the gun at him and says he'll never give it up.
Suddenly, Nurse NotCarla and the Neanderthal run out of the CT scan room. They head for the SWAT team. Cuddy asks NotCarla why Jason released them. NotCarla says he didn't -- House convinced him to give up his gun, and they took off. House, Hadley, and Kid, on the other hand, decided to stay behind. That means that House, Hadley, and Kid are dumber than a guy who looks like a caveman.
Sure enough, the gun is lying to House while he runs another CT scan. Kid decided to stick around, saying he might as well since it's safe now and he's curious. Yeah ... Kid gets beaten up a lot because he's an idiot. The phone rings, but no one bothers to answer. Why isn't the SWAT team charging in right now? Everyone in this episode is useless and stupid. The scan complete, Jason asks House to show him the tumor before the SWAT team enters and takes him away. But, House says, "there isn't one." His diagnosis was wrong. He still doesn't know what's wrong with Jason. After all that, he hasn't gotten his precious answer. Cry me a river. "Thanks for trying," Jason says, taking this pretty well. And then House picks up the gun and hands it back to Jason, much to Kid's annoyance. Hadley just stands there like a zombie. Any one of them could, you know, rush House and try to get the gun back before it falls back in the hands of the crazed hostage taker, but no.
So House is inexcusably stupid for giving the gun back and the SWAT team is, too, for sitting around letting the phone ring instead of charging the room. I guess House is just that determined to get his diagnosis, but why would he basically risk Kid and Hadley's life to get it, too? Why risk anyone's life at all? Give Jason the gun back with the bullets gone. Let the SWAT team think the guy is still a threat while continuing to look for a diagnosis, knowing that Jason can't kill them anymore. Or let Jason get arrested and then diagnose him from fucking jail! These are all good options! There's no reason AT ALL why House would give the loaded gun back when he doesn't have to, especially when he's been shot before and know it's not fun. Whatever.
House finally answers the phone to tell the SWAT team that Jason overpowered him and got the gun back. He hangs up, and Hadley accuses House of being a coward. He'd rather risk other people's lives and find his answer than not know and be just another ordinary doctor. House says that he's just arrogant. The real coward is Hadley, because she's afraid to die and is trying to make it come even sooner so she feels like she has control. You know who isn't a coward? Nurse NotCarla. She was awesome. Meanwhile, the Kid doesn't really care who the coward is. He just wants to leave. Should've thought about that before you stayed behind, Kid! Now you're stuck. House won't let Kid go, saying they might need him.
Outside, Lt. Bowman suspects that House is lying about being overpowered and has developed himself some Stockholm Syndrome and is now rooting for his captor. "House isn't the rooting kind," Cuddy says. She's wrong, of course -- remember House's secret cheerleader past? Lt. Bowman orders his men to put a mic on the door and prepare to blow up a wall. "Hope your boyfriend knows what he's doing," he tells Cuddy. Cuddy doesn't deny it.
The Cottages, now with special bonus Wilson, await House's call in his office. Wilson answers it with "are you insane?!" House just lists off Jason's symptoms and asks for a differential. First, he gets Foreman deciding that Chase was right all along and that House is going to kill someone. He doesn't want to be a part of it, and leaves. Adios, Foreman! Go run your clinical trial! The remaining Cottages make a few guesses, but then House notices a new symptom: Jason seems to be favoring his left ear when people are talking, which means he's losing his hearing in his right ear. This is a few hours after he had super-hearing. Sucks for you, Jason! You wasted your brief time with super-hearing pointing guns at people. Cameron guesses Cushing's, saying it can cause fluctuating hearing. Kumar adds that it could also explain Jason's "increased aggression and risk-taking." Jason gets all defensive, saying no disease tells him who to take hostage! He can make up his own mind. House wisely tells him to keep that on the down-low because it might help his chances at trial.
House calls and orders some steroids to prove his new diagnosis. Lt. Bowman refuses, saying negotiation time is over. Jason says he'll release a hostage and agree not to test drugs on "the sick doctor" in exchange for the drug, so I guess negotiation time is not actually over. If they really wanted to make sure Jason couldn't test the drugs on Hadley, they would have released her . But no, it's the Kid who gets to leave. Cuddy gives House the drugs and says "House, you can't -- " before he slams the door in her face. Such love.
He loads up the syringe and says Jason's breathing will slow down if he has Cushing's. "Give it to her first," Jason says. House can't believe it! Jason said he wouldn't test the drugs on Hadley anymore! "I lied," Jason says. He may trust House now, but he doesn't trust the SWAT team outside not to give him fake drugs. House keeps arguing, saying the drug could screw up Hadley's liver because of her Huntington's. Hadley grabs the syringe (the way she should have grabbed the gun before House gave it back to Jason) and shoots herself up, saying her chances with the drug are better than their chances not being shot if she doesn't take it.
Jason expresses interest in Hadley's condition, asking her how long she has to live while House shoots him up. House listens for a respiratory reaction from Jason, but there isn't one. Meanwhile, one effect of the steroid seems to be that it makes people philosophical. Jason says not knowing what was wrong with him was driving him crazy, so he resorted to some crazy means to get his answer. "But I had something to gain," he says, pointing out that Hadley takes risks with no upside at all. But Hadley does get an upside: attention. House tells Jason that he isn't really the best person to be giving out advice, then notices that Hadley isn't looking so well. She's got a fever and her heart is racing. Meanwhile, Jason's breathing is the same. So not only was the diagnosis incorrect, but now Jason's guinea pig's kidneys are shutting down, thanks to all the medicine Jason "made" her take. Except not really, since she wouldn't have taken the steroid if House hadn't given Jason back the gun and she wasn't so ready, willing, and able to take all of them in the first place.
After the break, Hadley's kidneys are hurting. House calls the Cottages to ask why the steroid made her kidneys fail and not Jason's. Cameron suggests that maybe one of the other medications Jason took during his sixteen-doctor-spree is protecting his kidneys. Someone might want to give some of that to Hadley if that's the case. House says he'll have to slap Jason for "diagnostic purposes." The slap produces a CGI twitch in Jason's cheek that House says must be due to a calcium deficiency from drugs that block calcium and are protecting his kidneys. Cameron says Jason has been on proton pump inhibitors for stomach pain for years. House says that means his kidneys have been protected for years. This allows him to add kidney failure to Jason's list of symptoms, since his kidneys would have failed a long time ago were it not for the PPIs.
Taub and Cameron give up two diagnoses of tropical diseases, but since Jason hasn't been anywhere tropical, they're immediately ruled out. Cameron asks Jason if he's sure about that, and Jason says he's never been anywhere "south of Florida." Both House and Hadley, sick as she is, slowly turn to glare at Jason. "You idiot!" House says. Yes, Jason, Florida counts as a tropical climate. His disease went undiagnosed not because those sixteen doctors didn't care, but because Jason doesn't understand simple fourth grade social studies and gave an inaccurate patient history.
House calls out for some Ceftazidime, an antibiotic. But Lt. Bowman refuses to negotiate. He said that last time, too, before he negotiated. Sure enough, Jason offers to release House in exchange for the drugs. House doesn't understand -- Jason needs him, right? Nope! He's got his diagnosis. Now he just needs to take the medicine to confirm it. And, therefore, so does Hadley. House offers to take it instead, but Jason reminds him that it can only be Hadley, since she's taken everything he's taken. House says she's also suffering from kidney failure, so the antibiotics will kill her. "I need my answer," Jason says. "Your obsession's gonna kill her!" House says. Jason points out that House's obsession got him the gun back in the first place. Yeah, oops. House says it's pointless to give Hadley the drugs, since this is the last diagnosis he's going to get whether it's right or wrong. Hadley, sick person make-up on her face, tells House to go. "Shut up, I'm not leaving," House says. Hadley accuses him of being a martyr. She says that either Jason's going to kill her or the drugs will, so either way, she's dead. HOORAY!
I guess House hates being called a martyr, because he leaves the room.
So now it's just Hadley and Jason. She asks him if he feels bad about killing her. "No. Your character is annoying and gets way too much camera time. I want to learn more about Kumar and Taub, or see some of Cameron and Chase. With you out of the way, perhaps I will, until this show decides that it simply must have another impossibly young, beautiful, and perfect female character front and center, even if she's not a very good actress and thus isn't very compelling viewing." He also says that he doesn't feel bad about killing her because she doesn't feel bad about killing herself. "I don't want to die," Hadley says. Jason sees right through her, and says that she does, but she doesn't have the nerve to kill herself and wants Jason to do it for her.
Outside, the SWAT team takes its position against a wall and starts setting up the explosives.
Inside, Hadley holds the syringe up to her vein, but can't bring herself to shoot up. "Sometimes you just have to trust people!" she says. True, but maybe not when it's the SWAT team who want you dead as quickly and cleanly as possible. Jason aims the gun at her, and Hadley again tries to shoot herself up. But she still can't do it. "I don't want to die!" she says, surprising herself. Jason doesn't care. He aims the gun at her head. "I don't want to die!" she repeats. Should've thought of that sooner, moron.
It turns out that Jason doesn't want Hadley to die, either. He puts the gun down and grabs the syringe and shoots up just as the SWAT team blows a hole in the wall. The stunt doubles used for the wall explosion scene were pretty pathetic, I must say. Actually, just the Jason double is bad, as his face has been painted bright white for some reason.
The SWAT team enters to find both Jason and Hadley on the ground. House checks on her and surprised to find that she's still alive. Jason is taken away. Hadley says he didn't make her take the drug after all. I hate Jason.
House is lead to the lobby by a triumphant SWAT team. Cuddy's there. House downs some Vicodins, then turns to see Jason being lead away. Before he goes, House tells him to check his breathing. It's fine. He got his answer and his cure. Now he's off to jail forever. Idiot, but at least he won't have to pay all those medical bills.
And Hadley is looking angelic as she recovers in a hospital bed, hooked up to a dialysis machine. Oh, good. She's alive. Fan-fucking-tastic. Foreman's at her side when she wakes up. He tells her she'll be just fine after a week of dialysis, and apologizes for leaving the differential. Hadley doesn't really care. Instead, she asks about the Huntington's drug trial. Hadley loves taking drugs and doesn't want to stop! And maybe now that she's come to terms with her terminal disease or whatever, she'll spend some time in the fucking background already.
Cuddy returns to her office to find it in shambles and smelling like barf and blood. There appears to be confetti on one of her tables -- did they cut the scene where the hostages had a party? House walks in and says the tests confirmed that Jason had Melioidosis. Cuddy rolls her eyes, because she doesn't care what was wrong with Jason and that's all House cares about. She turns on House, who is seemingly only there to fetch his cane, and asks him if all he cares about is his stupid answer and enabling a hostage taker at the expense of others. House points out that Jason would have died if he hadn't taken everyone hostage, and that Cuddy enabled House to enable Jason every step of the way. Cuddy asks if House is saying that she handled things differently because he was in there. "I don't know. Let's try it again without me," he says. That shouldn't be a problem at all. PPTH is due for its crazed gunman any second now. "This is why you and I can't be a thing," Cuddy says. Because it will end with barf on her carpet, and that's gross. House says that if Cuddy's saying that she screwed up because she isn't in a relationship with him, then the only way to fix that is ... and he trails off. "You want a relationship?" Cuddy asks. "God no! Just trying to follow your logic," House says coolly. God dammit! All that Hadley, and not enough House and Cuddy. I hate it! With that, House starts to leave and Cuddy sits down at her desk and opens her top drawer. All of her stuff goes falling to the floor because a certain someone put her desk drawer in upside down. House stays just long enough to hear the pay off before leaving with a smile on his face. Meanwhile, that little practical joke was the whole reason why he was taken hostage in the first place, so I hope it was worth it!
See what ails the docs at PPTH.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if it's to offer reasons as to why Hadley and Olivia Wilde are a good contribution to this show.