By Montykins
House's favorite call girl is retiring, so he spends half the episode auditioning potential replacements. Then he spends some time trying to break up her impending marriage before he finds out she's not really retiring. She just thinks it's weird that he's married to someone he kind of likes but still brings her in. She recommends he try making a connection with his fake wife, so he ends up throwing away the letter from Immigration that says she can be a citizen.
In medical news, the patient of the week is Henry, a nice guy with a RealDoll he loves very much. That doesn't end up having anything to do with his illness, which he contracted by using tap water in a Neti Pot.
We start with a gun pointed at the camera. Oh no! The show's trying to shoot me! Don't shoot me show! I'm sorry I said I didn't care about Wilson's home life! Actually what's going on is that a gentleman with big eyeglasses is at a carnival and wins his lady a giant teddy bear by shooting a star out of a piece of paper. Her name is Molly and she wants to talk to him about something important. Also, his name is Henry. He's got a girlfriend, but she's not it. His girlfriend never wants to do anything with him and she thinks that's weird. But none of that matters, because suddenly he's crying blood! The things some guys will do to get out of an awkward conversation.
House tells the team that the patient is 35 years old and not a vampire. They're distracted by the prostitutes lining the hallway outside House's office. Apparently his favorite whore is retiring and he's interviewing replacements. Also apparently, House is ignoring the fact that he has a wife at home these days and is supposed to be actively pretending that he's faithfully married so she can get her green card. Adams is annoyed at this. House dismisses one of them (named "Butterscotch") for providing bad cappuccino. The one does a bad job of defending Annie Hall as her favorite Woody Allen movie, so she's also out. House explains that he needs a call girl with skills he finds entertaining for the other 57 minutes of the hour. Taub and Adams have a couple of ideas that will involve testing blood. House asks the young lady about her skills in small appliance repair.
Chase and Taub visit Henry in the patient room, where the woman from the beginning explains that she's just his neighbor. His girlfriend is Amy, but she's not there. She's been called, but she doesn't have a cell. Neighbor-lady offers to stop by on her way home, but Henry says that won't be necessary.
Taub and Park are in the lab and talking about whether he's paid for sex. Then a guy comes in to tell Park that he's already sold his rare guitar she was interested in buying. Taub thinks the guy likes her. And he does come back in to invite Park to jam with his band.
A lady of the evening juggles three balls while another one fans out some cards. Adams comes in and points out that since House can juggle, she doesn't see why it would benefit him to have a hooker who can also do it. House answers, logically enough, "What if I'm busy?" Yeah! Let's say he has to spend time on his job (unlikely, I know), and there's some urgent juggling to be done? If he hired her, she could take care of that for him. Incidentally, how much do you think House spends on escorts? It must be a lot, right? He's got a lot of applicants for the position and I would have thought that high-priced, attractive, highly-skilled call girls wouldn't need to go through all these levels of auditions for potential clients. Anyway, the juggler can also stand on her hands. Adams reports that the tests have failed, but that the patient has a secret girlfriend. She thinks the "girlfriend" is a secret glue-sniffing habit. House tells her to go search Henry's home. House leaves his office with the circus-skills lady still contorting.
Chase and Adams break into Henry's home. It's clean, but it doesn't look like a woman lives there. According to Adams. There are some flowers there, though. They chat about House's prostitute hunt while nosing through everything. Then Adams goes into the bedroom: "Oh god. I don't think she's breathing. Do you think she OD'd?" Nope. No pulse either.
Oh! House's fake wife is helping him go through the resumes. Do prostitutes have resumes? Even the high-priced ones are still technically breaking the law. Adams calls House, which gives him the opportunity to pretend she's trying to become his favorite sex worker. She's not, but she does note that her favorite Woody Allen movie is Melinda and Melinda. Oh, that's so sad. Anyway, it turns out that Henry's girlfriend Amy is a RealDoll. You know, one of those hyper-realistic sex dolls that tend to have TV shows and movies made about them?
By the way, during the commercial break, there's an iPhone ad where Zooey Deschanel basically treats Siri as a real person. So who's crazy now?
Back in the patient's room, Henry explains that he calls Amy his girlfriend because that's convenient shorthand. And he's not a pervert. It's not just about sex and he knows she's not a real person. She's better! Because she doesn't talk or leave. Also, she cost three thousand dollars. That's not part of why he has an emotional attachment to her -- it's just an interesting fact. He ends with, "Amy makes me happy." And then he's got a fever.
In the external office, the team has the usual argument over whether Henry's weirdo behavior is a symptom. House says it isn't. Adams says it's crazy to buy flowers for a doll. House says that everyone in the room has a sex doll. Taub: "Oooh! A metaphor! What you didn't foresee is that I actually do have a sex doll." Good one! But House meant Taub's children. Eew! But House means that the children are Taub's excuse for not being in a relationship, like Park's parents and Adams's charity work. Chase cheerfully admits that he has random sex, but he claims to be in a regular relationship. House says that doesn't count because she was a patient. Park says she has a date tonight: that jamming-with-a-band thing. House says she'll bail. Taub suggests he hand his kids over to Park's parents. Another good one! Nice work by Taub in this scene. Then he moves on to call House on his hypocrisy in accusing them of avoiding real relationships when his subplot involves spending a lot of time and energy on interviewing prostitutes. House admits that he's got a valid point. And on his way out the door, he says that RealDolls are presumably filled with bacteria and all sorts of gross stuff, so they should "swab her out" and find out what diseases are lurking in there.
House is in a cafe with the prostitute who's quitting. He asks her to stay on the job. What if he went up to three days a week? Nope! She's getting married to a guy who likes schlocky horror movies. He tries to convince her that she needs to keep her job as a way of asserting her independence, but it doesn't work. She says she'll miss him too, kisses him gently and leaves. Poor House!
Amy is in the stirrups. Adams gets into position and announces that she's pretty skeeved out by this. It's completely clean inside Amy, which is better than the alternative. But Chase has found a swelling in one of Amy's breasts. It feels like a tumor. Unusual!
Now Amy's being slid into the MRI tube. There's an air-filled mass in her abdomen. Chase and Adams tell House about their wacky theories about what it could be. Adams insists on calling Amy "it" instead of "her." House says to cut Amy open. Chase says they can't just destroy their patient's seven-thousand-dollar property. House says to ask Henry's permission and if he says no, that's evidence of him being crazy so they need a new theory.
Henry says okay. Adams warns him that Amy won't heal. He's all right with it because it might tell them what's wrong with him. Adams starts to do cut into Amy right in the patient's room. Chase asks if they shouldn't take her into the procedure room, but Adams accurately points out, "It's not a her, which means we can do this anywhere." Chase tells her that you can know something's not real and still love it. Henry is clearly broken up watching this. Adams decides to go to the procedure room.
Wilson's office. House wants help breaking up his hooker's marriage. Wilson is appalled. House keeps saying "hooker," but I think "call girl" or "escort" is more accurate. I'll also mix in "whore" although it feels more pejorative, but that's because between this and Game of Thrones I need all the synonyms I can get. Wilson reminds House that he is, in fact, married to a super-hot lady. "You're right. Why am I asking you for help?
Park and Adams. Park thinks House is trying to manipulate Adams into sleeping with Chase and she recommends against it. She appears to be jealous. Adams opens up Amy.
Taub is in the grocery store talking to one of his daughters. A young lady finds this adorable. Taub says that his daughter's mother died in childbirth, which I don't think is strictly accurate.
Adams pushes Amy through the hospital in a wheelchair. Henry is happy to see Amy, especially when he learns that Adams bandaged the incision and added some stitches. The air bubble was apparently just a bubble in the mold. But just then! Henry collapses to the floor!
Okay. House and his fake wife Dominika are in a food truck named "Knish Upon a Star" and are spying on the husband of his favorite prostitute. Did you understand all that? It's not clear if the food truck is a fake, but I don't think it is. The team calls in to report that they're looking at Henry's blood and lungs. House ignores them because he needs to know how much to charge for specific knishes. So it's a real food truck. House makes up guesses about why Park didn't go on her date. Taub reveals that he had a date and will see her again. House says that all the best relationships start with snap decisions based on proving him wrong. Adams has a theory about Silicone Deposition and prescribes plasmapheresis.
Adams is starting to work on Henry when Molly shows up. She's fascinated by Amy, but she thinks it's just a really realistic CPR doll. Henry introduces her to Amy and explains that this hyper-realistic sex doll is the girlfriend he's told her about. She's freaked out and gets out as quickly as possible. Goodbye! Yeah, that'll happen. Henry is downcast.
Taub's new friend Wendy watches him put a baby in a crib. He tells her he has to admit something, which is that her mom isn't really dead. He explains that he panicked. She asks if that was a different baby, and Taub denies it. She does not buy the denial.
Henry looks through the handouts that Molly brought him. Oh! I should have mentioned that Molly brought him handouts before running out. She did. He tells Amy he wishes she could get in bed with him. Suddenly she stands up, talks to him and strips down to sexy underwear. He's freaked out by this. He puts his hands on her and starts having flashes of seeing her bleeding through her torso bandage. In some shots, he's the one with the bleeding torso. We eventually see Chase and Adams holding him down and medicating him. Adams says he's hallucinating because his liver's failing.
Everyone's back in the office. The theories include liver failure. House wants to talk about why Chase is standing so far away from House. Adams suggests they just all sleep together, along with the seven thousand dollar doll. Taub says the dolls are only five thousand, so Henry must have had Amy customized somehow. Like with an MP3 player? Oh! Or maybe laser eyes! Anyway, everyone stares at Taub for having checked the website. House tentatively endorses the diagnosis of fibrosis and prescribes steroids. He also wants to know how Henry "pimped his ride." That seems like a perfectly logical avenue of investigation, but Taub wants to know why. This is just so House can say, "Because I don't know the answer."
House walks to the elevator. Wilson proposes foosball, but House has a marriage to destroy. Wilson gives up, and House is suspicious. Wilson admits that he thinks House's relationship with Emily is sort of healthy. House says that's passive-aggressive reverse psychology.
House preps Dominika for tricking Emily's fiancé into sex. She's wired up so he can listen in. Her plan is to walk up to him and say, "Do you want to go have sex?" He does! House pounces, but it turns out that Emily's his sister.
Adams talks to Henry. Amy is modeled after some photos he sent them. They're of a yoga instructor who loved Chopin and hated Indian food. She changed his life for seventeen weeks. Adams talks about the time her husband cheated on her. Henry says she wasn't unfaithful; she just wasn't in love with him. Adams says she knows Amy won't break his heart, but she also won't change his life. And then Henry says the lights are too bright and he vomits. His neck is also stiff, so she thinks he has meningitis.
House's place. Emily explains that she's not actually leaving the business. She's just leaving him. "So let me get this straight. I'm being dumped. By a hooker." She thinks it's weird that he's married, but takes her into the bedroom while the wife is there. Weird and mean. She says that House and Dominika like each other. How dare she!
Henry has a fever and is not responding to medication. He could die at any second. Everyone throws around ideas. Chase says that his ex-girlfriend was a yoga instructor, which can lead to weird, alternative medicines. And there was a weird teapot in his house. Oh! Is it a Neti Pot? I know this one! Yes! He was using salted tap water! That's super-bad for you, apparently. Distilled water is safe, but if you Neti Pot with tap water, you can get the brain worms. I'm so pleased that I've heard of this! And that I recognized it two seconds before they said it on the show! House: "Start him on metronidazole. If he's lucky, he'll get to see his plastic children walk down the aisle."
Henry's feeling better. He'll have some hospital bills, so he wonders if he could sell Amy online. He asks Adams for her email address. She lets him down gently. She thinks he should ask Molly out. He seems sad. He reluctantly promises to keep trying.
Adams and Park in the locker room. Taub has no date that night. And a lot of issues about all his ruined marriages. He tells Park to call that band guy a call. Park claims not to be as cute as Adams, which I don't entirely agree with. In fact, I object to this whole idea that Park is the "uncute one" and Adams must constantly outshine her. Charlyne Yi is a total hottie, even if all she gets to do on this show is mutter awkwardly and have bangs.
As Chase leaves, Adams asks if he wants to get a drink. Chase thinks that's not a good idea for him right now. Adams admits that House has a way of getting in people's heads.
Park calls home to tell her mother that she's at work and will be home in a couple of hours. That guy is there with his guitar. The two of them play "I Got You Babe." As we hear it, we see House open a letter for Dominika from Immigration. Her citizenship is approved. Henry watches television with Amy and looks at the bear he won for Molly. Dominika has fixed House's blender and offers him a pistachio milkshake. They look into each other's eyes. House awkwardly says he's going to bed. He looks at the letter and then throws it away. But he throws it away in a trash can that's right to the table where they keep the mail, and he doesn't even crumple it up. In real life, there are at least even odds that Dominika notices it in the trash can. In her position, wouldn't you be more likely to notice things with the INS Logo?
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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