By M. Giant
At PPTH, House enters a comatose patient's room, but he's not there to doctor; he's there to loot. After sampling a chocolate -- which he hates so much he classily spits it into the bedpan -- he examines the two miniature stuffed animals on the bedside table, and that's how Wilson finds him, trying to decide which of the two will say to Cuddy, "I want to sleep with you more." House decides on the penguin all on his own (declaring the beaver "too high school," like that ever stopped him before), and Wilson's wondering why he's in trouble with his girlfriend. While also snagging a bouquet of flowers, House says he's never seen Cuddy happier. And he's happy too, which worries him. As they proceed down the hall, Wilson calls that normal. Ooh, that's low. But House is convinced that he and Cuddy have nothing in common besides work, which means their relationship is doomed, even if she doesn't plan to dump him right away: "We'll fight, makeup sex, fight, maybe sex, and then she'll dump me. With possible goodbye sex...I need to find something we both like doing besides each other." Wilson suggests talking to her about it, which House sees as the beginning of an inexorable spiral of mutual resentment. "At least with my plan I get my one a day with iron to the bitter end." One a day with iron? Is that what the kids are calling it? He suddenly thinks to ask if there's a reason Wilson is following him around, like there ever needs to be one, but this time there is: "You're not gonna believe who just checked into the ER."
Down in the ER, House sweeps into the curtain area where Alice Tanner is all dressed and thinking she's ready to go. She tells House she just fainted, and while beginning the exam, House tells her, "Huge Jack Cannon fan, by the way. Love your books." Alice is as surprised as I am by the compliment, but not because she knows anything about House: "My fans tend to be overly annoying teenage girls." So do House's, if you only count Wilson. House rolls his eyes about the whole Jack vs. Deacon controversy, "Like Sarah can't love both of them. I may belong to one or two online fan clubs." He asks her about the new book, but she's not the type who talks about her work. However, she offers him a deal: if he finishes the exam quickly, she'll answer one question about anything. "Who is Jack's real father? Who kidnapped his uncle?" House takes her up on it and asks, "Why'd you try to kill yourself?" Clearly Alice should have been more specific that she meant questions about the book, since that powder burn on her cheekbone was a little hard to miss. House presses, "So, change your mind at the last second, or are you just a lousy shot?" Okay, now she knows something about House. She's about to storm out, going back on her end of the deal, and dares House, "Try and stop me." Which means she clearly still has a lot to learn about him. So the lesson he gives her is to call out to the security guard, "This woman is on a 72-hour psychiatric hold. If she tries to run, shoot her. With a sedative. It's more convenient." And less repetitive. I don't know how legal that was, but Alice is definitely on a House crash course now.
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