By Sara M
Knoll tells us in direct close-up not to do drugs. I've never seen Felicity, so I can't say for sure, for sure, but I really thought Scott Foley was a more capable actor than this. It turns out that he's just acting like someone who can't act, as he introduces himself as Hank Wiggen, former baseball star turned drug addict turned anti-drug spokesman desperately in need of spokesman classes. The PSA director yells cut and runs onto the baseball mound to teach his actor how to act. Behind the camera, a man who looks like a cross between George W. Bush and Lea "Sarge" Masters tells Lola (maiden name: McPhee) Wiggen to go out and help if she thinks she can instruct her husband better than the director can. Lola says she wants to give the marriage "a few months" before she starts filling the stereotypical nagging wife role. Sarge says that Hank's arm "came back" the day after he met Lola, so the nagging role seems to be doing just fine for everyone. Then he puts his hand to his chest and Lola asks if he's okay and we all think that this is the guy who will have the mysterious illness. "Just gas," he says. So, maybe not. The wife takes off to help, and Sarge takes some pills. These disease-of-the-week openings are starting to go all Six Feet Under with their twists and turns.
Lola runs up and gives her husband some inspiring acting lessons and us some exposition about how he'll be pitching against the Yankees, WHICH WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER, depending on how big a baseball fan you are. She asks the director if he can shoot the second part of the ad -- Hank pitching -- first to make him more comfortable. The director agrees, and then makes a snide remark about everyone wanting to be a director, like, maybe if you weren't such a crappy one, Lola wouldn't have needed to come in and save your ass. Hank asks if Sarge is feeling all right, and we cut to Sarge having gas problems and once again, I expect him to keel over and start dying, but he remains upright as the rest of the crew make sure they're not standing downwind. The director calls action, and Hank throws the ball. The Magic School Bus Cam gives us a nice internal view of Hank's humerus snapping in two. Back in non-CGI land, Hank does not find the destruction of his humerus humorous, which will not be the only ironic thing to happen this episode, and he screams and falls to the ground, his broken arm flopping around all over the place. Nasty.
After the credits, Hank gets some x-rays. Wilson and House exit the elevator (drink!). Wilson tells House about his latest patient, whose broken arm can't be healed properly because he has osteopenia, a.k.a. thin bones. House isn't paying attention, since he is making a mysterious phone call where he says that "price is not a problem if you have what I need." Sounds like he's calling the pharmacy. He finishes the call and says that he's already figured out that Wilson's patient is young, since osteopenia in young people can mean cancer. But, House deduces, Wilson couldn't find any cancer, so he's bringing the case to House. House asks exactly how old the patient is, and Wilson -- who was totally waiting for this question -- immediately whips out Hank's baseball card and reads the date of birth off it. House is impressed that his new patient is baseball star Hank Wiggen, and even more so that Hank signed Wilson's baseball card. "To Jimmy Wilson, the Cy Young of medicine," it reads. Wilson claims that he only requested the "Jimmy" part of the autograph. He wants House to find the cause of the osteopenia and reverse it so that they can fix Hank's arm and he can beat the Yankees. The Ty Cobb of Medicine accepts the challenge.
And now we get to see Foreman's apartment. Orange is a bold wall paint choice, but it works well here. I do wonder when Foreman had the time during his busy doctor schedule to do all this interior decorating, though. He's getting ready for the day, along with a young lady. They discuss the ethics of their relationship; apparently, their dates are paid for through the woman's business, although they are not, obviously, business-related. That sounds like the woman's problem to me, not Foreman's. And she doesn't, since she's trying to schedule another date for Friday. He says he'll try to get the day off, and she leaves. Foreman finds her thong in his sheets. Clas-say.
The Cottages, minus Foreman, are hard at work doubting the accuracy of those thorough cancer tests. Cameron thinks that Hank simply must have cancer, and damn those tests and House really likes her best now, doesn't he? Chase says that they've got to believe the tests are accurate and start looking for other options. Foreman runs in and apologizes for being late, citing car trouble. House says he doesn't believe him, and then asks the Cottages whether they noticed that Hank's kidney function tests were abnormal. Cameron is sure it's because of the Invisible Cancer, and that House just doesn't want Hank to have cancer because then Hank will never be able to pitch again and the Yankees will never lose. Yes, that and the fact that seven thousand different tests show no cancer and that Hank has gained a good twenty pounds of muscle in the last year and you know what else causes thin bones and bad kidneys? Steroids. Foreman agrees. House has Chase go ask Hank if he's been doing steroids, and then test his pee when he LIES that he hasn't.
The last guy's problem is that he can't see. House and Cuddy stare at him, alarmed -- Cuddy because she cares about the health and safety of other human beings, and House because a blind guy means he won't be getting to the drop-off point before six. Then the guy smiles and says he was just "screwing" with House. He actually just has a hangover and needs a doctor's note or else his English professor will fail him. If you have a hangover at 5 o'clock, kid, you have got some problems. College is supposed to be fun, but it's not supposed to be that fun. Unless it's dental college. Surprisingly, House doesn't respect a guy who screws with people's minds and tries to get out of unenjoyable activities. He tells him to get a note from the Laughing Dentist.
Just when House think he's home free, Cameron and Foreman rush up with the results of Hank's urine test. Surprise, surprise! Not only does this baseball player NOT take steroids, he also tells the truth about it! Further cancer tests were also negative. House says that they're probably just looking at some fancy steroids that don't show up on tox screens. There's one symptom of steroid abuse you can't hide, and House has enough time to show them what it is, provided that he can borrow enough money from the Cottages that he won't have to stop at the ATM.
The three enter Hank's room, where House introduces himself and says that "this is the coolest day of my life." Lola smiles; it's always nice to meet her husband's devoted fans. She stops smiling as soon as House yanks the sheet off of Hank's bed, leaving his naked body free for all to see and enjoy, like the entire nursing staff hanging out outside the non-drawn windows and the three Cottages (Chase has suddenly appeared in the room). "Steroid use shrinks the testicles," House says, as the other men in the room look away uncomfortably and Cameron just stares because, hey, it's been a while. Hank grabs the sheet back, covers himself up, and does not call the police. He simply repeats that he doesn't do steroids. "Your lips say 'no.' Your prunes say 'yes!'" says House. I'd say that Hank's lack of justifiable 'roid rage says "no" as well. House orders Hank to be put on Lupron.
As they leave Hank's room, House gobbles some pills and says that he feels really sorry for athletes who are willing to mutilate their own bodies for their sport. Because I'm sure long-term Vicodin use leaves one's personal equipment in tip-top condition. Lola runs up to yell at House for refusing all the evidence to the contrary and prescribing some anti-steroid drug. House claims that Lupron is a calcium drug for Hank's bones. It's like milk. Lola storms off, and House wonders how long it will take her to call Cuddy.
One second later, House is in Cuddy's office getting reamed for LYING to his patient about what Lupron really does. It is, yes, an anti-steroid drug and it isn't like milk at all. House says that they're both creamy. Cuddy rolls her eyes. House lists three reasons to lie to Hank, which he will be making up now. Reason #1: Hank lied to House first. Reason #2: if House told the truth about Lupron, Hank wouldn't have agreed to take it. Cuddy asks what will happen to Hank if he were telling the truth. "Severe respiratory problems," House says. Cuddy presses the button hidden under her coffee cup that alerts the code team to get ready to go to work on House's latest casualty, and asks for the third reason. House says he wanted to "eliminate the placebo effect," because shrinking testicles are purely psychosomatic. And House has a bonus fourth reason: if Hank was telling the truth about not taking steroids, then whatever is wrong with him is most likely something really, really bad, so he probably won't be around long enough to file a lawsuit against the hospital anyway.
Cut to Hank having severe respiratory problems. The Yankees collectively rub their hands together in delight.
At the latest differential diagnosis session, House informs his kids, minus Foreman, that they have the only professional athlete in the whole world who has never taken steroids, so the shrunken testicles, kidney problems, and osteopenia are being caused by something else. What is it? His theory: the Yankees are pulling a Viktor Yushchenko. Foreman enters the room, late again, and House is curious. But he has to listen to Cameron natter on about how shrunken testicles indicate that Hank's body isn't creating enough testosterone, so House will have to wait to find out what's causing Foreman's tardiness this time. Foreman wonders if Hank's problem could be environmental. House doubts it, since Lola is perfectly healthy. OR IS SHE?!?!?! Chase says that everything, except the kidney failure, can be explained by Addison's disease, a diagnosis House likes a lot because of the cruel irony that its cure is steroids. He likes it so much that he won't even listen to Foreman when he points out that Hank's kidneys can't handle taking steroids. House says that the simple solution to that is to get Hank a new kidney. Foreman thinks they should figure out what's causing the kidney problem first. House says that this is ironic again, and Cameron and Chase both say that Hank tested negative for steroids, Chase laughing as he says it. He used to respect House, but now he just thinks he's ridiculous. House says that the kidney damage could be result of any steroid use within the last five years; Hank might be clean right now, but that doesn't mean he's always been.
House attempts to explain to the stupid people that past steroid use could be what's causing Hank's kidney damage now. Lola does not appreciate the repeated accusations of steroid use, and neither does Hank. House points out that Hank has lied about drug use before, like when he was a cokehead and had to go play baseball in Tokyo, and that his choice now is either to admit to using steroids, or to die. So Hank reluctantly admits that, five years ago, his pitching coach gave him something. He didn't know what it was, but he took it anyway and then gained twelve pounds of muscle in a month. Lola's pissed, although I don't know why, since this all happened before she even met Hank, which was just a few months ago, right? The timeline of their relationship is strange and inconsistent. Sarge chooses this moment to enter with a handful of balloons. He asks how everyone's doing. House says he's doing quite well now.
Cuddy, on the other hand, is not, because she is now supposed to put Hank on the kidney transplant list when they don't even have a definite diagnosis that he needs a kidney. You see, the test for Addison's was inconclusive. House says that test is always inconclusive. Cuddy wonders why this hospital does any tests at all. Seriously. It's not like they're just going through the motions to keep the lab techs employed, since they don't have any. Anyway, Cuddy won't put Hank on the list. House says that Cuddy takes a "perverse pleasure" in saying no to him, and Cuddy says it's what she lives for, which is good since it's just about the only thing she does on this show.
Meanwhile, Hank gets worse.
House enters his office to find Lola sitting in his chair. He tells her that Hank is not on the list, and that she needs to leave his chair. Lola gets up and volunteers one of her kidneys. House says that's a very noble, if empty, gesture, since the chances of someone not related to Hank being a match are pretty slim. Hey, tell that to George Lopez. "Do you live alone?" Lola asks. You see, she's made the astute observation that House hates people, but she doesn't understand why he can't see that there are people in the world who love and need each other, even if House himself isn't one of them. House says this is all irrelevant. True love does not a kidney donor match make.
Chase and Cameron are hanging out at a bar together. Foreman joins them from the bathroom, and Chase says that he got a text while he was away, with the cryptic message of "Friday night." Foreman thanks Chase for looking at his text messages, and asks him to cover for him. Chase says he's going to the Oncology seminar, and that he believes House that Foreman was lying about the car trouble before and has a feeling that the text message has something to do with it. Foreman accuses Chase of being a suck-up. Chase says he likes House because House says and does whatever he wants. Then they all wonder why House keeps asking them for money.
"I scored," House says. The reason for all those mysterious phone calls is now revealed, as House hands Wilson a manila envelope that contains two all-access passes to "paradise itself" -- the biggest "official" Monster Truck Jam in the history of New Jersey, and it's this FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY!!! I wonder what the biggest "unofficial" Monster Truck Jam was like. Anyway, Wilson can't go. House orders him to cancel whatever he has planned, because those tickets are so good that they have to sign a release form to use them. Also, they cost House a thousand dollars. Wilson is a speaker at the Oncology seminar. They booked him a year ago and there's no way he can back out. House says he'll just invite one of his other friends, then. Wilson doubts this. House says he'll invite Kevin from Bookkeeping. Wilson points out that Kevin's name is actually Carl. House says "Kevin" is Carl's "secret friendship club name." My secret friendship club name is "I'm Awesome."
Foreman and Chase joke that House needs money for lots of hookers. Cameron does not find this funny. Foreman asks if Cameron doesn't think House has sex. Chase says that House doesn't have sex -- he makes love. Cameron fantasizes until the lab calls with the results of Lola's kidney donor matching test.
House meets Lola in a hallway somewhere. She says that Hank should be present for this as well, and House says that he would much rather be with Hank than with Lola, but that he has some results that he thinks should be discussed with Lola first, and alone. She is a kidney match for Hank. She's also pregnant. Lola is overjoyed at the double dose of good news until House tells her that her pregnancy means she can't donate her kidney. Lola leaves to talk to Hank.
Foreman tells Hank that he's good to go for the kidney transplant. Hank says he won't do it because it will mean his baby dies. Foreman says that Lola is making the abortion appointment as they speak, so husband and wife may want to have another talk about this. Hank says that he and Lola have been trying to get pregnant since they met, which would be, what, six months ago? Anyway, he doesn't care if he dies as long as he knows he has done his part for biology by procreating.
Cameron asks House what he would do if faced with an ethical dilemma like Hank and Lola's. House doesn't really want to answer, but says that if the baby-killing transplant allowed someone he loved to live for a long time, he'd do it, but if it was only, like, six months, he'd let her die. His tipping point is seven years, eight months, and fourteen days. Sucks for the loved one if the lifespan expectancy is seven years, eight months, and thirteen days, doesn't it? Not like it matters all that much, seeing as House isn't likely to have to make any decisions for people he loves any time soon. Cameron says she wouldn't abort the fetus no matter what. On that note, House asks her if she likes Monster Trucks. "I don't know what they are," Cameron says. Did she not have a childhood? That would explain a lot. I've never been to a Monster Truck Rally either, but I do know what they are, having had my foot run over by their R/C counterparts many a time in my youth. House invites her to the rally. "Like a...date?" Cameron asks, ever so hopeful. "Exactly. Except for the date part," House says. Ha ha! Then he tells her just to forget it, and limps into his office. Though separated by a rather thick-looking wall, Cameron tells House that she was supposed to go to the Oncology seminar on Friday, but just found out that Wilson cancelled his talk two weeks ago, so she's now free. Cameron asks House what appropriate Monster Truck Rally attire is. Probably not a bustier-vest, although I doubt that will stop her.
The Cottages prepare Hank for transplant, but then his heart rate goes crazy and his potassium levels surge. So it's not Addison's and steroids after all. Good thing they found this all out BEFORE the baby died and the kidney was harvested!
Cameron attempts to explain the change in Hank's condition with a crappy baseball metaphor, and he gives her an "A for effort." She says there's no point in doing the transplant surgery anymore.
Hank's heart rate goes down. They don't know why, and they can't stabilize him.
That night, a sleeping/dying Hank gets a visit from Sarge, who further induces a coma by talking about the first time Sarge saw Hank pitch. Hank wakes up and says that he hurts everywhere. Sarge says that they must have dialed down Hank's morphine, which is just wrong if the guy is in pain. Fortunately, he's got some painkillers in his pocket that Hank can take. Hank says no, but reaches for them.
And we see that he's reaching into the air because he's hallucinating. House watches. Wilson enters the room, and House tells him about Hank's new symptoms. Wilson says that hallucinations and weird heart rates point to a digitalis overdose, although there's no reason Hank would have taken that. House says it's clever deductions like that that make Wilson such a great doctor and so in demand for speaking at things like Oncology seminars. He starts to walk away, and Wilson says "the only thing is..." and House stops, ready to hear Wilson tell him the truth now that he's been presented with the opportunity. But Wilson just says that a digitalis overdose would only explain the later symptoms. House just nods and sulks about how his only friend is a LYING LIAR.
Over at a baseball field or whatever, Sarge gives a completely distracted player some pitching tips, and then notices House sitting nearby. He excuses himself and asks House how he got in. House says that he just claimed to be the new Dominican shortstop. Sarge makes a note to fire the entire security staff. House says that Sarge has clubbing on his fingers, a sign of heart problems. Sarge says he takes digitalis for it, and shows House his bottle of pills. There aren't very many pills in the bottle, and Sarge could've sworn that he just got that bottle refilled. House says that Hank stole them to kill himself.
House glares at Hank, and then asks him how and why he stole Sarge's pills. Big insurance payoff for Lola? Those gold-digging wives always need more money. Hank says that money had nothing to do with it. House says it doesn't really matter, since they're proceeding with the transplant surgery/baby kill. Hank grabs House's arm as he stands up, knocking him into a bottle of pee that spills all over House's leg. "Never visit a patient," House tells himself. At least, never visit a patient with a bottle of piss precariously balanced to the visitor's chair. Hank says that he wants his baby, and that the time they try to kill it for his transplant, his suicide attempt won't fail. House says that he'll go ahead and treat Hank for the Addison's, then, and Hank can go ahead and die.
Off the elevator, House meets Wilson, who inquires as to what happened to House's pants. Wilson is always interested in House's pants. House says he's going to sell his authentic Hank Wiggen-piss pants on eBay. Wilson says it's not that bad, giving House the opening to say he doesn't believe anything Wilson says, seeing as he lied to him about Friday night. "Are we breaking up?" he asks before I can. House retreats to his office, leaving Wilson to sigh about his ethical dilemma.
As House looks through a duffle bag for a new pair of pants, Wilson enters the office and tells him that he's having dinner with Stacy on Friday. House asks if Wilson is talking about Stacy the Stripper. Wilson reluctantly says it's Stacy the Constitutional Lawyer. "You thought I couldn't handle this news?" House asks, and Wilson doesn't respond. Wilson says he hasn't talked to Stacy in a long time, and that if House doesn't want him to see her, he won't. House says this isn't eighth grade, and aggressively zips his pants-less duffle closed as he says he has "no right" to be mad at Wilson for seeing this mysterious Stacy, since Wilson and Stacy are friends. He asks Wilson to say hi to her for House. He's going to get some pants.
Before he can put on something urine-stench free, Lola grabs him in the hall and says she will not let House kill her husband. She's getting an abortion; they'll have another baby later. Except that I don't know how safe it is to be pregnant with only one kidney. House says that Hank doesn't want Lola's kidney, and that he's allowed to make that decision. "So...he'll die?" Lola asks. "Probably," says House. Lola bursts into tears and hugs House. He rolls his eyes and hopes no one sees this or takes a picture to use as blackmail material later. He just spent a load of money on those Monster Truck tickets; he can't make another withdrawal to pay someone off for fear that he'll reveal what a softy House is. House tells Lola to have the baby, since Hank will die either way. Then he lifts an arm and gives Lola the most awkward, pathetic, and, since it's House, sweetest pat on the back ever. The moment is quickly ruined when House asks Lola why she hasn't mentioned anything about how he has piss all over his pants. Lola only just noticed that they were wet. She didn't smell anything. Hmmm.
Chase and Cameron have dinner and talk about the Wiggen case. I like seeing the Cottages hang out together. They've evolved from those awkward initial interactions to almost being friends, despite House's best efforts. Chase says it's interesting that House asked Cameron, of all people, to go to that Monster Truck Rally. Cameron tells him not to read anything into that. Foreman's hot date from earlier in the show sits down and says that if their patient decides to get dialysis for his kidney problems, she has some good products they may want to check out. Ah, so our pharmaceutical rep is Foreman's love interest, and is using company money to court more than just their business. Foreman sits down, and everyone starts talking about how awesome it is that pharmaceutical companies give them dinner and trips to Bermuda on the pretense of selling their products to doctors.
House enters the restaurant and asks Sharon, the "new Arnie," to get him a black coffee. She makes a face that suggests she'd love to tell him that she's his fucking waitress, but chooses not to alienate a potential client and goes to get the coffee. House steals her seat in the booth. He asks the Cottages which of them is sleeping with her; he really, really hopes it's Cameron. "You're not gay, you're...adventurous," he says. Awesome. Chase says that pharmaceutical reps don't prostitute themselves for sales. House says they like to sleep with the roadies to get to Mick, meaning that Sharon is just sleeping with one of them to get to House. Foreman bristles, and House realizes that Sharon is sleeping with him. House is all annoyed by that, I guess because the popular adage, "once you go black, you never go back" indicates that Sharon won't be moving up the client ladder after all. He starts picking at her food and informs the Cottages that Hank doesn't have Addison's. His problem is environmental; Lola isn't healthy after all. She has no sense of smell, and didn't think to tell anyone about this before. "Cadmium poisoning," says Chase. It explains everything, including how they had so much trouble getting pregnant during their one month of wedded bliss. But how could they get exposed to so much cadmium? Chase thinks he knows.
Chase asks Hank for another urine sample. Hank says yes without hesitation, and Chase asks why Hank didn't want to give them a sample before but is fine with it now. Hank says he's going to die now, so he couldn't care less. Plus, he knows that they'll just steal his urine and test it anyway if he says no, so what's the point? Chase thinks Hank was afraid they would find out that about his huge weed habit. Lola says that she and Hank quit. Hank says that Lola quit; he didn't, so much. And he's really sorry about that. He'll be even sorrier when he finds out that that was the indirect cause of his wee testicles. Chase says the weed must have been grown in some cadmium-soaked soil. They'll start treatment, and Hank will be fine in time for opening day. Hank apologizes profusely to Lola, saying he'll go to meetings every day now. "Twice a day," Lola says. If she's this mad about a little midnight toking, can you imagine her wrath if she had gotten that abortion and donated her kidney for no reason?
Cuddy and House discuss Hank's case. House says that Hank will recover just fine. Cuddy says that his health might, but that his career won't, since they are required to give all medical records to the MLB Association, and they won't look kindly on the marijuana-induced cadmium poisoning. House says he doesn't think anyone will have a problem with Hank's having Addison's disease, since that's what House put in his report. Now, no one will ever know except for everyone who was standing in the hallway when Cuddy started shouting about how Hank smoked all that weed. The tabloids can put it in the little sidebar of their upcoming articles about Hank's tiny testicles. And then they can put a sidebar in the sidebar about how one should not go to the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital if doctor-patient confidentiality is important to them. Cuddy's all for making House tell the truth in his reports until she realizes that the lie means that the Yankees will finally lose. Then she's cool with it.
Sharon and Foreman have their Friday night dinner. Sharon asks Foreman about House, and his ethical dilemma about using work-sponsored dinners for dates evaporates right quick. He doesn't want to talk about work anymore.
Chase does some physical therapy on Hank's arm. Hank and Lola smile.
House and Cameron emerge from behind the Gravedigger with cotton candy and smiles on their faces. Cameron had a great time that she'd love to go ahead and ruin by asking House if he was ever married. House says lived with someone for a while. That someone is either Wilson or the woman Wilson's having dinner with right now. Or both. House steals Cameron's cotton candy. She steals it right back, giggles, and challenges House to a race to the car. Love is in the air. Cadmium is in the ground. Watch your testicles, boys!