By Montykins
Joe used to be a speaker at corporate events, exhorting people to be sharks and devour their enemies. But then he got beat up in a football argument and became a sensitive guy, telling men to be nicer to their wives. This is all background to when he collapses on stage and goes through a series of diagnoses including celiac, multiple sclerosis, and low testosterone. He eventually gets cured and decides to forego the testosterone shots because he doesn't want to turn back into a big manly jerk.
House, however, is distracted by the unexpected reappearance of Dominika, his Ukrainian wife. They have to pretend to be a happily married couple so she can get her green card, but that would involve defrauding the federal government. And House is still on parole! At least this time, the threat of prison kind of makes sense. They put on a pretty good show, but Wilson screws up his part of it and they get caught. In the end, Dominika is barely convincing enough to convince the Immigration guy to give them six more months to pretend to be married. So she moves back in with House.
Finally, House is making his team squabble over who gets to be team leader. They all know he's doing it just to cause trouble, but they can't keep themselves from fighting. Except for Taub, who's playing the long con.
Okay, so. House. We start with a guy who looks like Mister Rogers doing a Marriage Counseling act from a stage. He's talking about Phil and Diane, who is a couple in the audience. He runs through some catchphrases and I get impatient waiting for him to collapse. Or maybe someone in the audience could explode. He goes to get a drink of water, so I figure he's probable tonight's patient. As a result, I shall take the opportunity to learn his name. According to the set behind him, this show is "Joe Something's Marriage Rescue." The "Something" is in a handwriting font that I find impenetrable. It starts with an R, but everything after that is a squiggle. Oh no! What if I'm having a stroke? What if tonight's patient is me? What a twist! No, wait. Joe's having trouble with his catchphrases. Eventually he collapses off the stage. A woman runs up to him and a guy with a cellphone calls for an ambulance. And we're off!
Taub brings coffee for the team, which is in the external office. Chase's limp is almost gone. House interrupts with Joe's background: he's 38 years old. Chase thinks he's crazy because he tells men to act more like women. House thinks it's impossible to change the way men act and insists on fist-bumps from Taub and Chase. Park and Adams talk about relationships. Taub proposes a pulmonary embolism and wants to do a pulmonary angiogram. Adams has a less invasive idea. House is disappointed that everyone agrees, so he announces that he wants to hire a team leader. Just then, a woman walks past. It's Dominika, House's Ukrainian wife!
She's here to tell House that there are Green Card interviews coming. House rushes through some basics to make sure their stories are straight. She asks, in adorably broken English, "Can it be that genius doctor is afraid to take on silly government apparatchik?" Oh, man, whatever happened to using "apparatchik" in English? Was that just a Cold War thing? We have to bring that back now. Anyway, the scene ends without a resolution on this issue.
Joe is getting hooked up to tubes and stuff while the team asks about his background. He says that he got a broken wrist when three morons beat him up outside a sports bar in Milwaukee, which is what made him realize that men should stop being so macho. And that's when he switched from Corporate Speaking to Marriage-Counseling Speaking. The woman from the opening is there, and she turns out to be Marlene, his wife. Joe says she helped him change his career and his diet. Taub would like more information on the diet part.
House barges into Wilson's office (not using that big automated window they spent an entire episode building and then immediately forgot about) and demands his apartment key back. Wilson says, without looking up, "If you're breaking up with me, can we at least talk about it first?" Very droll. They run through that riff for a bit, then Wilson brings today's plot into line with the season's theme by objecting to the idea of House perjuring himself while he's on parole because for the millionth time in a row, if he's caught, he'll go back to jail. House says he won't get caught, he's in love with her, and also she's paying him thirty thousand dollars. Taub interrupts with lab results.
It's not a pulmonary embolism. And Joe underwent his change of heart (which involved going off red meat and gluten) three years ago. House and Adams have an argument again about whether people can change their behavior. He threatens her with not making her team leader, and she shrugs. House notices that nobody's rising to his bait and adds a fifty-dollar-a-week raise to the position. Park announces that she's in. Chase recommends against it. House tells everyone to "nut up" and then gets epiphany face. He somehow knows that the spiritual change happened after a physical altercation. He, Chase, and Adams are going up to see Joe. Park and Taub are sent off to make a copy of House's apartment key.
House asks Joe if he got hit in the groin. As he does so, he makes Chase and Adams pick stuff up that he deliberately drops. Then he tells Joe that he was checking to see if Joe would check out either of his assistants' butts. His new theory is that he got hit in the balls so hard that he entered menopause and is now dramatically low on testosterone, which explains his "men should act like women" thing. And it also probably has some relationship to his medical symptoms.
Later, Taub tells Joe that the therapy will involve testosterone shots. Marlene wants to know if they'll increase his libido. They have a talk about who initiates sex. Taub assures them that the injections will definitely cause an increase in Joe's sex drive. But as Joe starts to zip up his pants, he announces that something's wrong: he has peed his pants. Time for a new diagnosis!
External office. Chase says the problem is probably neurological. House is more interested in getting quizzed on his wife's brothers' names. Adams thinks it's weird that House memorizes every detail of their lives, but can't seem to grasp his wife's details. Park suggests multiple sclerosis brought on by the testicular damage. House says she's on the path to being team leader, but she's the only applicant. Suddenly, Chase and Taub both want to be it.
Chase, Adams, Taub and Park walk through the halls talking about the position. They all want it now. Taub thinks they should stop fighting, but I notice he's not pulling his name out of contention.
Taub tells Joe they'll be looking for proteins in his spinal fluid and also running an MRI. Joe says he's feeling weird about the testosterone. What if his big spiritual change was just chemistry? Adams says to think of the assault as a catalyst, which seems like even more chemistry to me.
Chase wants Foreman to tell House to drop the team leader idea. But Foreman thinks it's a good idea. Now Chase just wants it to not be Adams. Or Park. Or Taub. Foreman points out that Chase is angling for a job that he mocked back when it was Foreman's. He is not interested in his problems.
House and Dominika rearrange his apartment and put pictures of famous Ukrainians on the wall. She dances about. It is weird. Park arrives and objects to the Amy Grant. She's here to make them study. She brought a protractor on the grounds that, "You never know when you might need to make a pie chart." She is going to be a harsh taskmaster. But she brought Red Bull! I'm going to be perfectly honest here: I would be totally into the idea of a woman coming around to my house to make me study. No, you shut up!
Taub and Adams talk about testosterone's effects on behavior. They also occasionally glance at the tests they're supposed to be running on Joe. His brain stem and spinal cord are clean. He doesn't have MS. But when he goes to scratch his nose, he reports that he's seeing double.
The wacky subplot continues as Park makes House and Dominika pose in front of a green screen so she can make a phony honeymoon picture. Chase rolls in a television with Xbox. Adams mocks this as being obvious, and Park points out Adams's cleavage. Park suggests that she just go ahead and blow him. Taub proposes myesthenia gravis. There are no objections. House accuses Taub of letting everyone else look dumb. House and Dominika have big stupid Elvis wigs for a Memphis picture.
Taub talks to House privately and tells him that he should let the team be friends instead of trying to rip them apart. House says Taub is no longer a man because...he's...raising children? I don't get that argument. Taub claims it's helped him grow up.
Joe says he's feeling pretty good as long as he keeps his eyes clothes. Actually, he's feel really, really good. Marlene has brought him a burger. Joe is staring at her ass. She seems pleased by this and is willing to get within groping range. Joe wants to get in business with a company that does DVDs.
Wilson interrupts Park quizzing House and Dominika. It's in Wilson's office, so it makes sense. House is doing much better. He knows that Oksana is a slut. Wilson tells them that House is now doing too well; no husband knows his wife's relatives that well. Park points out that Wilson's been divorced three times, but Wilson points out that he has twelve years of actual marriage behind him. He kicks Park out of the way so he can take over the coaching.
Park and Chase. She tells him that he deserves to be team leader. But she can't just give up because she needs the money. They start to enter Joe's room, but as he's telling them that he's seeing single again, Chase pulls them back out. He wants to criticize Park's transparent "I need the money" ploy, but she interrupts him. In the two seconds they were in the room, she spotted that the whites of Joe's eyes were yellow. My god, he's got jaundice! That's a Firesign Theatre reference. I mean, the thing I said. I don't think the actual show is going that deep. Anyway, there's something wrong with Joe's liver now.
External office. House wants to hurry things up. Adams says it's sarcoidosis. Park makes fun of her confidence. Taub is sticking with myesthenia, suggesting that the other problems could be celiac. Chase heaps the usual abuse on the very idea that someone could have two things wrong with them, as though the final diagnosis isn't always something ludicrously unusual. Park proposes Lyme disease, with no rash. House accepts it and puts Joe on antibiotics.
Joe is unhappy about how long it's taking him to get a second pillow. Then he notices he's being a jerk. Chase points out that he's sick. Marlene comes in and complains about Joe changing business details without telling her. Joe says it'll be fine. She leaves.
House and Dominika. He has a ring for her. It's the one she left behind when she left. Or so he says. I, um, didn't see that episode. So I'm taking his word for all this.
The man from Immigration is here. His name is "Nate" and that's the end of the scene.
Chase tells Marlene a story about the time he jumped off a roof, which is his explanation for Joe's behavior. She has a video of him back before he had his change of heart. He's aggressive and pushy. And he's got slicked back hair.
House makes a show of things he can remember about his wife. She brings Nate some food. Everything looks good to Nate, and he's just going to step out and get a corroborating interview from one of the neighbors. This seems to engender panic. But the first person Nate sees is Wilson, who's pretending to open an apartment door. He's got a silly British accent, and he assures Nate that the Houses are a happily married couple. Just as Nate turns to leave, the actual resident of that apartment shows up. The jig is up! He identifies Wilson as "that guy who plays noisy video games with House on Friday nights." Nate doesn't look amused. House assures him there's a simple explanation. Nate tells him to be at his office tomorrow at ten.
House's office. House is on speakerphone, even though he's not supposed to be on a cell phone. Taub is sticking with his diagnosis. House hangs up when his lawyer grabs his phone. But it rings again, so House takes it and sneaks into the bathroom. It's Wilson! He tells House that the best he can hope for is to stay out of jail. Dominika is going to have to get deported. The lawyer comes in and taps House on the shoulder. House tells Wilson to tell the team to skip the biopsy and give the antibiotics more time.
Joe tells Marlene that he won whatever argument they were having. He says phrases like "busting my chops" and "letting me be the man in this relationship for a change." When she leaves, he tells Adams that he doesn't know why he said that. She looks at his eaten food and says she has one more test.
The lawyer tells Nate that he admits the neighbor ploy was a bad idea, but -- and then Nate cuts him off. Dominika is being deported and House's parole officer is being told about his fraud attempt. Dominika looks at House and then begs Nate not to send him back to jail. She admits that they didn't marry for love, but insists that they had lots of fun over the past week working together to fool the US government. "It was fake, but it felt real. Maybe because it become real. This man. My husband. I want to stay with him, but if I cannot, please send me away and let him be free. I love him." House looks shocked. Nate considers. "I didn't buy a word you said. But a judge might. I'm gonna let you stay." But he's holding onto the file for six months and they'll be subject to random spot-checks to make sure they watch NCIS together. And if they aren't, they go to jail. So that's how they get people to watch that show! As they leave, Dominika assures House that she's too smart to fall in love with him, but she will be needing an extra shelf in the bathroom.
Adams has located proof of celiac. Taub is appalled that she did an unapproved test right after Chase got stabbed doing the same thing. BEEP BEEP BEEP! Their pagers go off to announce that Joe's having trouble breathing. It's not celiac!
House plays with his ring while his team throws around ideas. They try to ignore how much he's ignoring them. Adams suggests a parasitical infection: strongyloides in the small intestine? Park points out that Joe's been to Puerto Rico recently. Taub says the treatment could cause seizures in someone with liver problems. House says to do it.