House's patient of the week, a woman with amnesia, takes a backseat to the "House is crazy" arc that took a backseat to almost the entire sixth season. But now it's back, along with House's therapist Dr. Nolan and former mental hospital roommate Alvie. House goes to see Nolan for his therapy session and tells him about his week, meaning we get another one of those flashback episodes this show always has so much fun with. Sam is moving in with Wilson, so he asks House to move out. House goes back to his old apartment, only to find Alvie already there painting the walls with paint he had to pawn some of House's stuff to buy. House has to use various expensive or illegal methods to get his items back, making sure to help Alvie out of his immigration troubles, diagnose his amnesiac patient (she took up ultramarathoning, which caused her immune system to go crazy and become allergic to ink from a tattoo), and even repair her relationship with the husband she doesn't remember along the way. Despite being abandoned by Alvie, who takes off for Arizona, and Wilson, who kicked him out, House's real issue is losing Cuddy, who is moving in with Lucas and whose great-grandfather wrote a book that House tried all episode to get back after Alvie pawned it. The book stayed in House's apartment for years while he waited for a good reason to give it to Cuddy. Now it's too late, and House is all alone (yet again), done with therapy, and ready to have another breakdown week, just in time for the season finale.
Hey, remember like ninth months ago when House was in a mental hospital for two hours because he was hallucinating but it turned out he was just depressed although they never explained the hallucinations so he went to see a therapist a few times, got his medical license back, and we all forgot that ever happened? Well, it's back! And it's really dark in Nolan's office. Buy a lamp, guy. House enters, and Nolan greets him buy saying he's late. "You're fat," House says. Wow, I see that therapy has really helped make House a nicer and more considerate person. Apparently, it's unusual for House to be late to his appointments, which is kind of weird since it's not like he's ever demonstrated a need to be on time for anything else ever. Nolan thinks something's up, especially when House says he didn't notice the new art on the waiting room wall. Maybe he couldn't see it on account of the fact that it's pitch black in there? House denies that anything is wrong and Nolan tells him to describe his week. Oh, goody! It's one of those cool playing-with-reality flashback/dream/concussion episodes! Those are usually fun. Usually.
House walks into work wearing his now-standard Hangover Sunglasses. Cuddy whisks him away to the ER to introduce him to his newest patient, a young amnesiac woman found jogging around town. Apparently, her amnesia spread to her knowledge of trucks, as she ran in front of one and was nearly run over. She's wearing exercise gear and a heart monitor, but no ID and the MRI (OF DOOOM!!) showed nothing wrong in her head. House can immediately tell that Jane Doe is wealthy based on her expensive $400 jogging shoes. He's sure someone will be by to collect the rich lady soon. Jane Doe asks for something to eat, even though the nurse says she just ate 15 minutes ago. House thinks that means she has an incredible metabolism and feels her calf muscles to determine that she's an "extreme long-distance runner." Because if there's someone who knows a lot about running, it's the crippled guy.
Nolan interrupts to ask why House was in the ER at all. House admits that he was avoiding Wilson, and we flashback to morning at the Wilson/House loft, which is about to become the Sam/Wilson/House loft, quickly followed by the Sam/Wilson loft. That's right -- Sam is moving in, and that means House has to get out. Wilson claims that this was his idea, not Sam's. Wilson, you are an idiot. You bought a new house just to keep your best friend healthy and semi-happy living with you, only to kick him out like two weeks after you start dating your ex-wife because she's suddenly moving in? How can any of that possibly be a good idea? Wilson says he doesn't want to "make a mistake" this time around, because having your ex-wife move in with you two weeks after you start dating again is totally not a mistake. House comments that he expected this kind of rapid progress from Wilson, who, based on past history, should practically be "re-divorced" by now. Wilson offers to help House find a new place to live. House says he'll just go back to his old apartment. "I'm fine," he says. Nolan isn't so sure. "Why wouldn't I be?" House asks. Um ... am I going to have to recap a therapy appointment here? Because that's not going to be fun.
After the credits, we're still in Nolan's office. He asks House why he doesn't feel betrayed by or angry with Wilson for abandoning him for Sam. House claims he's fine again, but Nolan says he doesn't believe him, since House was late to the session, didn't notice the wall art, and took the amnesiac case without even trying to get out of it, even though Nolan thinks it's a fairly boring and routine case for House. House says it wasn't, and we go back to PPTH. House checks out a scan from the MRI (OF DOOOM!!) in which, despite Cuddy claiming there were no abnormalities, House spots a "loss of differentiation" between the gray and white brain matter. The Cottages get to giving their diagnoses until Nolan appears in the room to ask if he really needs to know all this. At least Andre Braugher gets to act with some other cast members, I guess. Chase wants to search Jane Doe's house for toxins, but, of course, that's going to be difficult since no one knows who she is. House says they might be able to trace the serial number on her heart monitor to the store that sold it and hope if they bring her there, the employees will recognize her. The Cottages nod appreciatively at House's genius, with Foreman saying "brilliant." Nolan very much doubts that it really went down like that. Cut back to the Cottages looking bored/confused/doubtful. "Longshot," Foreman scoffs. House says that even if the store employees don't recognize Jane, the store will probably be in her neighborhood and maybe the familiar surroundings will jog her memory. He even offers to take her there himself. Back in Nolan's office, Nolan comments that it's unusual for House to spend any time with his patients, let alone go on outings with them. That's true; he usually only does that when the patient is an annoying girl who got raped or a guy who needs to commit suicide to save his son. Which is bad news for Jane Doe. House says he's sure Jane Doe was boring before she lost her memory, but her current situation made her interesting to him and had the added bonus of getting House away from Wilson. Nolan thinks House was also avoiding going back to his apartment and the scene of his pre-hospital hallucinations and drug abuse. House says no, as by this point, he'd already been home.
As we see House approaching the front door to his apartment, he narrates that he went there after Wilson talked to him but before he went to work. He tries to open the front door, only to find that Alvie is inside his apartment standing on a ladder in front of the door, thus blocking the way in. Wow, I really didn't think we'd ever see him again. He'd better not bring all the other mental hospital people with him. One is enough. "You let him stay at your place?" Nolan asks, surprised. "Not exactly," House grumbles. He's finally able to enter his own apartment, where he finds his furniture covered with sheets and the walls taped off and partially painted. Yeah. What bipolar guy in a manic enough phase to decide to paint someone's apartment (that he also broke into) without asking first also has the patience to prepare it for said painting? I saw a manic person try to paint once and she wouldn't tape anything off and ended up getting more paint on the floor than the wall. But anyway, House takes in the scene, then asks Alvie why he's there. Alvie says House left his bathroom window unlocked (dumbass move, House) so he decided to move in, since he's having "immigration issues" that prevent him from being able to return to his old neighborhood. Wow, House was doubly stupid, to both leave his bathroom window open and tell Alvie his address. I guess this is what he deserves. Alvie is painting House's apartment to try to "earn" his keep, saying the first week he was there, he made House dinner, but House never actually came home. The second week, he "organized" House's belongings, but still, House never showed up. Apparently not worried about his friend and where he could be, Alvie decided to spend this week painting. House asks Alvie where he organized his coffee table, as it is not in its usual spot. Alvie says he had to pawn the table and some of House's other possessions to buy the paint, which is an expensive "custom color." Also, Alvie doesn't like okra. You know, I really didn't realize how much I missed Alvie until he came back. He's, like, the only fun thing about this show this season. Everyone else is such a drag now. To show us all how far House has come since his mental hospital days when he was freestyle rapping with and hugging Alvie, House tries to kick him out. Such progress! House tells Nolan that he stopped by his apartment again later that day, only to find Alvie still there and his ceiling the lovely color of magenta. He claims he then brought Alvie to work with him only to "protect" his apartment from further destruction/girly colors, but Nolan thinks he could have just locked Alvie out or sent him to a movie or something less personal. "You chose his company deliberately," Nolan says. House says it must because Alvie makes for such a good Wilson substitute, since they're both so alike when they "rap about the hood." The fact that we aren't seeing Wilson do this right now is such a wasted opportunity. Nolan thinks Alvie is more of a distraction than a substitute. I agree! Remember how Alvie was a distraction from the ridiculousness of that season premiere? Nolan says he's still trying to find out what Alvie is distracting House from.
House has now sprung Alvie on that poor Jane Doe. If she did have her wits about her, I'm sure she'd have a serious problem with her doctor telling a former mental patient about her case and making her hang out with him. They had no luck at the heart monitor shop, so House walks her around the area, asking if anything looks familiar. "Sorry," Jane says. "It's okay, Miss X," Alvie says sweetly. House ignores his patient's problems to focus on Alvie, asking why he's having immigration problems when he's Puerto Rican and thus a US citizen. Alvie explains that he lost his birth certificate and can't get a new one because the records hall where it was stored burned down a long time ago. He could have gotten a new one by filling out a few forms, but instead he tried to forge it. The INS figured out it was a fake, most likely because it was written in magenta ink and everything on it rhymed, thus causing Alvie's current self-induced problems. Jane finally speaks up to ask what happens if her memory doesn't come back. House says sooner or later, someone who knows her will come looking for her and fill her in. "I don't know who that is, but I miss him," she says. Way to assume it's a guy, Jane, you amnesiac homophobe. House ignores her again, asking Alvie about a hearing he's supposed to attend to prove his Puerto Ricanity. Alvie says he skipped it since he didn't think anyone would believe him anyway, and then he gets distracted by some donuts. He says everyone loves donuts, so he's sure that Jane stopped by the donut store all the time and will probably be recognized by someone there. House actually agrees, because it makes sense that a super-fit ultramarathoner would eat donuts with such regularity that they know her by name. And yet, when she walks in, the lady behind the counter asks if she wants "the usual." House explains that he assumed an ultramarathoner would need a "calorically dense food." Yes, but not DONUTS. Who wrote this? Someone who has no concept of exercise and proper eating? Yes, you need to eat a ton of calories and some of your diet has to consist of carbs and fats, but donuts are really not where you want to get them from. Anyway, the donut lady doesn't know Jane's name, but she does know she came in with a guy who left his business card and won free donuts. And that's how they get to Jane's house. Her name is actually Sydney, and the man she lives with is her very worried husband. He's in for a shock.
After the commercial, Sydney examines the many running medals and trophies that she proudly displays on her living room wall like an asshole. I mean, seriously? Does the world really need to know about your 2nd place finishes in the Princeton 10K run? Way to not improve over time, by the way. The husband says he called around local hospitals looking for Sydney, but didn't even consider PPTH because "it's a long way to run, even for her." Huh? It's in Princeton and so, it appears, are they. And she's an ultramarathoner (although all she competes in, according to her Wall of 2nd Place, are 10Ks), so I'd think that she'd be running like 30 miles a day. Sydney asks what she does "besides run." Husband says she's a lawyer dealing mostly in civil rights cases and class action suits, a job her husband says is "stressful," so running is her outlet. Yes, well, clearly she isn't stressing over her inability to get 1st place in the Princeton 10k year after year. "That doesn't sound like me," Sydney says. House points out that she has no idea who she is, so that's a stupid thing to say. "Good point," Sydney says to House, looking at him admirably. House tells Nolan that Sydney felt more comfortable with him than with her husband, and her husband could tell. Nolan asks if House liked the fact that Sydney had a connection with him. He maintains that she's "just a patient."
Back in Sydney's house, she looks at her wedding picture. Husband says they've been married for four years now. Alvie walks in the room with a bunch of possible toxins he found in the house, because that's a good idea. He's well trained in what to look for and totally reliable, after all. Sydney finds a picture of herself holding a surfboard and smiles. She thinks it's pretty cool that she surfs. Well, yeah. Who wouldn't? Surfing is much cooler than running. Although I wouldn't recommend surfing in New Jersey and its pollution-filled beaches. And don't you email me about how your beaches aren't polluted anymore, New Jersey people! I don't want to hear it. I grew up in Connecticut and I had to go to Rhode Island and Cape Cod if I wanted to enjoy the beach because our state's beaches were too full of pollution from New Jersey, brought to us by those asshole ocean currents. And one time when I was 9 I did swim in a Connecticut ocean and I got a weird rash on my legs the day so it's ALL TRUE. I hold a grudge. Anyway, the husband says Sydney stopped surfing before they met because she was "too busy."
House, Alvie, Sydney, and the husband leave the house to go back to PPTH. Sydney suddenly falls down, saying her foot just "went numb." Alvie notices the important details: she also pissed herself. House says she's having complex partial seizures, and this rules out environmental toxins. Before he can say more, Nolan interrupts to say the seizure diagnosis is the second one House came up with that has a "personal resonance." Yeah, well, at this point hasn't House been through the medical wringer so almost every diagnosis would have a "personal resonance" for him? Nolan says House was "fixated" on Sydney's illness being caused by a "harmful toxin from her past," which he thinks is because House is worried about a "harmful toxin" from his own past, so now he's going on about seizure disorders, which would most likely be caused by an old brain injury. Thus, Nolan says, House sees his own past as "a threat." I am not following Nolan here. Especially since most of House's patients' illnesses are inevitably caused by something in their past. Nolan would know that if he listened instead of interrupting all the time.
House responds that he's so not threatened by his past that he went to the pawn shop to buy his stuff back. While he argues with the guy behind the counter over an extra notch in his coffee table, Alvie fetches all of the pawned items except for one book, which has already been sold. Wait, what? Don't those stores have to keep your items for a certain amount of time so you can buy them back? Alvie only pawned that stuff, like, a day or two ago. House demands to know who the book was sold to, but the pawn guy says it's confidential. And then he charges House $500 to get his crap back. House hands over his credit card. Yeah, that's smart, pawn shop guy: take the credit card of a man who apparently had to pawn off his own possessions for quick cash. Why not take a personal check? Nolan asks House why he wants his stuff back so badly. House points out that most people don't like it when their belongings are taken from them. Nolan says they still don't pay five times what they're worth to get them back. Why doesn't House just say the stuff was stolen from his apartment and sold without his knowledge, which it was? Then I think he can get it all back for free. Even the book that was already sold. House then makes the mistake of muttering about how he likes his stuff so much that he gets mad when Wilson moves it. Nolan perks up at the mention of Wilson, causing House to yell "THIS IS NOT ABOUT WILSON!" while pounding his fist on the table. Awkward silence as House waits for Nolan to brag about how he was totally right, but Nolan just pours himself a glass of water.
Then we're back at House's apartment, where he's playing football indoors with Alvie and playing some music. Can House even throw a spiral? Hugh Laurie might be too English. Their fun is interrupted by a knock at the door. It's Wilson. He starts to talk, and then we skip ahead to House and Alvie playing football again. Nolan interrupts, asking what Wilson wanted and also if House really thought he could get away with mentioning that Wilson stopped by without having to provide further details. House shrugs that Wilson just wanted to make sure he was okay after he noticed House hadn't been at work all day. Which is probably what House wanted and why he was so intent on avoiding Wilson in the first place. He wanted to make him worry to get back at him for kicking him out. Anyway, Alvie has to stop the game when his necklace breaks. He says it's his dead mother's necklace and the only thing he has left from her. And it's that easily broken but he's managed to hold onto it through all of his manic episodes? Impressive. House doesn't care about that, and changes the subject to the immigration hearing he set up for Alvie. Nolan asks why House would say he didn't care about Alvie's emotions, but then do something to try to help him. House denies caring about Alvie, saying he only cared for him for the "eight seconds" it took to schedule the immigration hearing. Um, what about the hour he was no doubt placed on hold after like three hours of having his call forwarded to 50 different departments before he finally got to someone who could do something for him? Don't try to tell me that it only takes 8 seconds to call a government office about anything.
With that, House gets a call from Taub bitching about how they haven't been able to replicate Sydney's seizures after twelve hours of trying. House recommends a strobe light and stress. Taub says they have that last one pretty well covered already. He holds the phone up to the hospital room, where Sydney and her husband are not getting along. Way to forget your manners along with everything else, Sydney, and bring your personal issues out in public. Sydney asks her husband when they ever have fun, as it sounds like all she does is work. Husband says she runs. Sydney says that also counts as work. That's right, Amnesia Sydney! Running does suck. Taub says Sydney's personality appears to be returning to its "natural state" without the benefit of the life experiences that changed it into who she is (or was) today. House explains to Nolan that Sydney's brother died in car accident when she was in college, causing her to decide to make her life meaningful and become a lawyer. And then get rich with class action lawsuits that help the lawyers more than any of the plaintiffs? That certainly is meaningful! "The thing that caused the change is gone, so the change itself is gone," Nolan says. But doesn't House always like to tell us that people don't ever really change? It seems to me like Sydney did until she happened to get a very rare case of total amnesia. House wants Nolan's theories on the psychological aspects of the case, but he refuses, asking House to give his theories instead. House says he thinks Sydney is bored by her husband. Nolan thinks it's more than that -- Sydney and her husband aren't "on the same page," just like House and Nolan. Sydney's husband sees her as the woman he's been married to for four years and treats her as such. Sydney sees him as a complete stranger and resents his assumed familiarity with her. The more she pulls away, the more desperate he gets and the stronger he comes on to her, which just makes her pull away from him even more. Doesn't Sydney have parents or friends, by the way? She's been there for 12 hours now and only her husband has visited? And then Sydney can't breathe.
As she lies in the MRI (OF DOOOM!!), the Cottages exposit that Sydney has a fluid build-up in her lungs. House thinks it's diabetes insipidus (this is not the same as the diabetes that Stacy from The Baby-sitters Club books had or the diabetes that fat people get, but something that has to do with kidney function) and asks what that and the areas of the brain that control things like foot paralysis and incontinence have in common. Apparently, the answer is spongiform encephalitis, and the only cure for that is to cut out the affected part of Sydney's brain, which also happens to be where all of her long-term memories are stored, thus making her amnesia permanent. Nolan loses his patience here, saying that House can't tell him that being "cavalier" with his patient's past has nothing to do with his issues with his own past. House asks why his therapist isn't being nurturing. Nolan says that's not in the manual, and after a year of therapy, House should know by now that he's supposed to talk about things that affected him and how they made him feel, so if he's going to keep claiming that Sydney's case means nothing, they have nothing to talk about. Nolan thumbs through his copy of Wooden Boat magazine instead. Okay, Wooden Boat magazine is amazing. I want a subscription. Oh, hold on a minute -- it's a real publication? And Sydney thinks her life is boring? I thought that was just a hilarious prop. House asks if he's being charged for this time. Nolan says he sure is (hey -- Nolan has to fund his wooden boat projects somehow), and House stands up to leave. As he turns, Nolan notices a bruise on the back of his arm. How could he even see that? That room is even darker than it was before. "I fell," House says. Of course, he doesn't actually remember falling because he was drunk. Nolan says the bruise is the shape of the tip of a boot. House instadiagnoses his bruise as the result of a bar fight, started when he said something inappropriate to a bar patron. He doesn't remember it happening, but he's been through this enough times. Nolan says if House is getting so drunk that he gets in fights and doesn't remember them, something is definitely wrong. Yeah -- the season is ending soon, so House must Have A Problem. It happens EVERY TIME. And then it's over by like the third episode of the season. Don't worry about it, Nolan. Nolan thinks House is punishing himself for something by intentionally doing things that will get him hurt. "What did you screw up?" he asks. House sincerely says he doesn't know, then admits "there may be a problem." NO SHIT. Why is he even in therapy if he's only now realizing there might be a problem? Didn't he realize this in the beginning of the season already? Why are we going backwards? I don't get it.
After the commercial, House is back in Nolan's chair. Nolan asks about Wilson. We got back to the pawn shop, which Wilson walks out of with the address of that book's buyer after telling the pawnbroker that it was full of anthrax and then giving him $300. Why didn't House just do that? He gave the guy $500 and didn't get the buyer's address. It doesn't seem fair. Wilson says he's been thinking, and he doesn't want House to leave before he's ready. He's willing to let House stay with him and Sam for a little while longer. "There's no need to hurry things," he says. Um, then why is Sam moving in at all? House asks what caused Wilson to suddenly change his mind. Apparently, Wilson just remembered that the reason why House moved in with him in the first place was so House wouldn't be alone. House rolls his eyes and calls Wilson "wishy-washy," saying "if you're gonna be an ass, be an ass." I don't understand how asking someone who mooches off of you and makes your life difficult and tries to break up your new relationship to move out makes you an "ass," but whatever. House tells Nolan that Wilson's gesture only came about because Cuddy made him feel guilty, not because he thought of it himself. Nolan says Wilson could have changed his mind on his own, or talked to Sam. House says that sounds totally reasonable as we cut to Wilson and Sam making out. Wilson tells Sam he wants this to be "the last serious relationship I ever have." So I guess flings and non-serious relationships are still on the table, then? "Me too," Sam says, but then: "where's House?! It's not as meaningful without him." She pushes Wilson away. Nolan admits that when House puts it that way, it is unlikely that Sam was the reason why Wilson changed his mind. He asks House what makes him think that Cuddy was the one who did, and House says he knows Wilson and Cuddy were talking about him because she called him to check on the patient, which she never does unless she's actually checking up on House.
Cut to Cuddy on the phone with House, who is sitting in her office with Nolan and part of Nolan's office as well. Oooh, DUELING OFFICES! Whose will win? Cuddy claims that she's only checking up on House because his patient is a bigshot lawyer and she doesn't want PPTH to get sued. Uh, yeah. If that were true then she wouldn't employ House at all. Please. Plus, as House points out, Sydney is in no condition to do any lawyering for a while yet, if ever. "I'm just touching base," she says. House notes that Wilson said the exact same thing to him, thus indicating that they spoke to each other. Nolan asks House to imagine how the conversation between Cuddy and Wilson went. They meet in Cuddy's office, and Wilson says he's worried about House. "Me too," Cuddy says, angrily throwing a file on her desk and asking him why he didn't wait before kicking House out of the apartment and sending him back to his old apartment on his own. She insists that Wilson take House back before he does something predictably self-destructive. "Without constant supervision he's going to slide back into drugs," she whines; "if you're not watching him, I've got to." Yeah, OR these people can stop letting House run/ruin their lives. Seriously, I teased a friend about putting an IKEA chair together the wrong way and he and his family members unfriended me on various social networking sites and he refused to talk to me for the rest of the time we were roommates -- eight really awkward months -- but House does and says all kinds of horrible things to his friends for years and they're still trying to help him? It's not fair.
Nolan asks House if his friends' lack of trust in him are their feelings or House's. He turns on some lights in Cuddy's office, saying he's "turning on some lights in [House's] brain," which is great and all but why can't he do that in his actual office? He then has his own version of how Cuddy and Wilson's conversation went, with Wilson telling Cuddy he's worried about House and her saying that he's being over-protective and that House can handle himself. Wilson realizes that this is really about him and how he feels like a jerk for kicking House out so suddenly. He should have given House as long as he needed to move out, and he decides he has to fix things. Cuddy suggests that he ask House to move back in and "touch base" with him. Does Nolan really think people talk like that? He is such a crappy therapist. That must be why he can't pay his electric bill. And then Taub walks in and says there's a consent issue with the patient. Nolan asks how Taub got into his scenario. Taub turns to leave, but House makes him come back, saying that Nolan's imaginary version of Cuddy and Wilson's conversation sucked and needed a change. And that change is Taub? How does he make things less sucky? Nolan asks why House believes his own scenario over Nolan's. Um, because House knows Wilson and Cuddy and Nolan doesn't? House just says Cuddy and Wilson have done this kind of thing before. Nolan asks House why he's friends with Wilson in the first place. The writers haven't been able to truly explain this in six years, so good luck trying now, House. "Do you think this friendship is the best you can do?" Nolan asks. House gets all huffy, saying Wilson is not a "consolation prize." No, he's a booby prize. "What do you value in him?" Nolan asks. House thinks for a second, then answers that he can say whatever he wants to Wilson and know he'll never leave. Unless he has to for a season finale cliffhanger, but then he'll be back by episode three or four, so, no worries. Also, that is not what your friends are for or what you should expect from them. Especially when you're putting IKEA furniture together, which is apparently a potential friendship-ender. Nolan says Wilson is kind of leaving now, and putting Sam first. House shrugs that that's only temporary. Sooner or later, Sam will dump/divorce Wilson or die tragically in a bus accident. And then House will move back in. Nolan says that perhaps this isn't about Wilson after all. House seems to consider his relationship with Wilson "safe." He asks what else happened that House might want to punish himself for. House still claims he has no idea. Nolan asks if he made anyone mad at him this week for any reason. "Well, yeah," House says. And on that suspenseful note, we go to commercial.
Husband isn't thrilled with the plan to remove part of Sydney's brain. Sydney, however, is just fine with it because she's been told it's the only way to save her life. House and Taub walk in, and Husband says he is ready to sue for the power to make medical decisions on Sydney's behalf, since she is clearly not able to make them on her own. Sydney says she read and understood the consent form and wants the bad brain removed. Husband says she's only willing to part with it because she has no idea what she'll be losing. And, he points out, she has no idea what risk even is, since she has no memory of losing anything. House says there's no choice -- without the surgery, she'll die. The husband begs them to find another way, but House ignores him to look at Sydney's monitor. He notes the variability in Sydney's heart rate, which means the disease has spread to her brain stem. "You can still cut it out?" Sydney asks hopefully. House and Taub just look at her with pitying expressions. Yes, even House had a pitying expression, so you know it's bad. Taub gently explains that the brain stem cannot be cut into. There's no way to stop the spread of the disease now. House makes sure to address the important issue here, which is that Sydney's husband won the argument, and at the cost of his wife's life. He orders Taub to put Sydney on chemo and radiation to slow the spread of the disease and buy her a few more weeks when she can hopefully regain her memories before she dies. How would she regain those memories, exactly? If that part of her brain was affected by a brain-eating disease that is still spreading, it's not like it's going to un-eat the memory center of her brain. Also, why didn't they put her on chemo and radiation as soon as they made the diagnosis in order to slow it down and prevent it from hitting the brain stem before they could do surgery? I do not blame the husband here.
Nolan says the way House described how he broke the bad news to Sydney and her husband was "rough" and asks if he's always that mean to his patients. Actually, Nolan, yes, he is. Your therapy has done wonders. House says Sydney's husband was "being an idiot." Nolan says that might be so, but House had to "punish" Sydney in order to "punish" her husband. Yeah, like House cares. She'll be dead soon, anyway. Nolan asks House why the husband made House so angry. House says he was willing to risk his wife's life to save their marriage. "People's brains stop working when they think they're going to lose someone they love," House says. Or, in Sydney's case, when they're out for their daily 30-mile jog.
Nolan asks who else House pissed off this week, and we go to an expensive house with gardeners outside mowing the lawn using a push mower. Wow, I haven't seen one of those since my dad had one when I was like 3 years old and we were apparently too poor for an engine lawn mower. House is at the home owner's front door offering him fifty dollars to get his pawned book back. The guy refuses, saying he knows the book is a "rare surgical text" in mint condition and worth thousands. House offers him two thousand dollars, only for the guy to make an assholish comment about how he was smart enough to know a good pawn shop find when he saw it, so he wins at life and House loses. And with that, he closes the door in House's face. Sometime later, House is sitting in his car. Alvie enters with the book that he stole from the rich asshole's house. He's so happy about his success that he does a quick freestyle rap. House interrupts to ask if anyone saw him. Alvie says the rich asshole (who is apparently a professor. One of those professors who makes like millions of dollars, I guess) totally saw him outside, but assumed he was one of the gardeners. House smiles at this, and they drive away.
Both House and Alvie go to House's office. Taub enters to report that they stuck a pacemaker in Sydney's heart to control her heart rate. "Hello!" Alvie says brightly. Taub just turns and looks at him, then says hello back, not all that surprised to see a random young guy hanging out in House's office. Taub continues that they found rapidly progressive cardiomyopathy in Sydney's heart, which means she doesn't have spongiform encephalopathy after all and whatever it is is attacking her body as well as her brain. Wow. Good thing the husband was there to refuse to allow them to cut out a piece of Sydney's brain, huh? Also, why is Taub in House's mind so much? Did Foreman and Hadley and Chase have the week off or is House just in love with Taub? Alvie just grins away until two officials walk into House's office looking for him. It's the INS, and they're here to deport him for missing his hearing. The official nods at House, and Alvie is heartbroken and betrayed. "You called them?" he asks. House doesn't answer. The INS take Alvie away. Taub decides to ask what's going on. House doesn't answer, probably because he's ashamed of himself. I guess he really held a grudge about that magenta ceiling.
The rest of the Cottages show up for work along with Taub the morning and talk to House over the speaker phone about Sydney's condition. They're having trouble stabilizing her heart. Hadley diagnoses her with endocarditis. House, meanwhile, is speaking to them on his cell phone while he waits for Alvie's hearing to begin. Alvie is still furious with House and refuses to talk to him. He talks to House to tell him this, then waits one second before asking why House turned him in. House ignores him and suggests tuberculosis, because apparently Sydney's last name is Brontë. Both diagnoses are contingent on Sydney's running habit suppressing her immune system. Meanwhile, Alvie says he hates House and the court bailiff gives the room a "gentle reminder" that cell phone use is not permitted. House ignores him and tells the Cottages to treat Sydney for TB. The bailiff starts threatening to arrest House for contempt of court. Why doesn't House just tell him he's a doctor and this is actually an important phone call? House quickly tells the Cottages to get tested for TB since they've all been exposed to Sydney. As has House and Alvie and now everyone in the courthouse. Oops! Meanwhile, check out the people sitting behind House, all scandalized over his refusal to obey the bailiff! That was actually some good acting by the extras there. That one lady who put her hand over her mouth in shock especially.
House hangs up and Alvie's hearing begins. House stands up and announces that he is Alvie's doctor and has a letter that proves Alvie's citizenship. Alvie's lawyer reads it to the court, and it shows DNA proof that Alvie is related to his mother, who apparently does have a birth certificate showing that she is a citizen. Um ... I think that's what happened, anyway. It doesn't really matter, since the upshot of this is that Alvie's citizenship is sorted out and he's free to go, so House didn't screw him over like we all thought after all. I don't know why he couldn't just tell Alvie what he was going to do so Alvie didn't feel horrible all night, but whatever. Alvie is surprised to find out that House was able to get some of his mom's DNA off of that cross necklace. So is House, who says he faked those test results. He just did a much better job of faking evidence than Alvie did. Alvie rewards House with a hug and offers to repaint House's entire apartment. I think it's safe to say that House is not pleased with either of those prizes.
Back at PPTH, Sydney is being wheeled into a UV light room, because apparently UV light can treat TB somehow. Doesn't UV light come from the sun? Why didn't that help all those people who died from TB before we invented antibiotics? Sydney's vitals are also crashing and her lungs are failing, but House stops Foreman and Chase to point out a mark on Sydney's ankle that no one noticed before because it's only visible under the UV light. It's a lame tattoo, too, saying just "Eddie Would Go," a surfing phrase. I guess when Sydney gave up surfing, she decided to give up any and all evidence of her surfing past. Except for that framed picture of her with a surfboard. So she had the tattoo removed from the top layers of her skin, but it's still there in the deeper layers, where it only shows up under UV light. Back in Nolan's office, House explains that when Sydney started her intense ultramarathon (Princeton 10K "ultramarathon") training, her immune system went all wonky, setting off an allergic reaction to the tattoo ink that was still trapped in her skin. They just have to cut away the skin with the tattoo ink in it and throw on an ink-less skin graft and Sydney will be fine. And to think, they almost cut out her brain. For no reason. Which would have been the second time they unnecessarily destroyed a patient's memories.
Nolan admits that House was right after all, and Sydney's past did come back to haunt her. He asks if she got her memory back. House says she hasn't yet and they have no idea if she ever will, but in the meantime, her husband is bringing her a bouquet of roses and basically courting her all over again instead of treating her like his wife. Nolan asks House if he was the one who suggested acting like this to the husband. Of course he was, even if he won't admit it. But he also asked Nolan what he thought the problem was with the couple even though he apparently already figured it out and helped the husband fix it, so Nolan thinks House is hung up on the relationship aspect of this case and the relationships he gained and lost this week with Wilson and Alvie. House says he didn't really gain a relationship with Alvie after all, as he returned home that night to find Alvie gone. He left a note behind. I was really scared that it was a suicide note or something horrible like that, but no, it just thanked House for helping him out of his troubles and said he was going to stay with his cousin in Arizona, where he's sure the immigration people won't bother him anymore. Oops. "What happened ?" Nolan asks. "Nothing happened ," House says. Except he just drank, like, an entire bottle of alcohol and staggers out of his apartment and towards the bar where he'd wind up getting kicked in the arm. "That's all I got," House says.
Nolan is still stuck on relationships and what they have to do with everything. House is okay with Wilson and Sam's relationship, so it's not that. House says yes, Wilson and Sam are happy. "Everyone's happy. Everyone's moving in together," House says; "Wilson, Sam ... Cuddy and Lucas." Nolan hadn't heard this news about Cuddy and Lucas before. Apparently, she and Lucas are moving in together for real this time because Cuddy has some seriously low standards. Nolan suddenly remembers that Cuddy is the name of the man who wrote that book House was so keen on getting back from the pawn shop. I guess when Nolan isn't reading up on wooden boats he's memorizing the names of doctors who wrote medical texts like 100 years ago. Dr. Ernest P. Cuddy wrote that book, and he's Cuddy's great-grandfather. House has had the book for years, waiting for a special occasion to give it to her. If House wasn't such an asshole and didn't say such horrible things to Cuddy, that would be romantic. But he is and does, so it isn't. House refuses to acknowledge that this is significant because he's either in denial or doesn't want Nolan to know his true inner feelings, but Nolan isn't fooled. He says House identified with Sydney's husband and his desperation to hang onto the woman he loved even if she didn't feel the same way. House thinks it's ridiculous that he's getting drunk and beaten up over a woman he isn't with and who is moving in with someone else. And with that, he decides that therapy isn't really working for him after all. He told Nolan he wanted to be happy and did what Nolan asked him to (well, not really, but whatever) and a year later, he's still miserable and everyone else is happy. "Whatever the answer is, you don't have it," House says, and leaves.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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